Title: Bilbo's Love Child 1/?
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: This is meant in jest, it is not meant to be accurate to canon in any fashion. Just turn your brain off and enjoy. Feedback is always welcome. Oh, and this will be a multi chapter story.
**Rivendell**
Frodo sat on a bench with his Uncle Bilbo, chatting about all the things Bilbo had done since his departure from the Shire. Frodo felt his unease on the mission he had chosen to undertake slowly ebbing away as he was regaled with the colorful tales of the older Hobbit.
After a particularly long moment of silence, Bilbo sighed and took Frodo's hand in his. "Frodo," Bilbo began. "Before you leave on this quest, there is something I must tell you - a secret I have kept from you all of your life."
Frodo smiled understandingly and patted Bilbo's hand. "I know what you're going to tell me, Bilbo. It's all right. Everyone in the Shire already knows about your hairy ass fetish. Fatty told me all about the time you and he-"
"No, no, no!" Bilbo said hurriedly. Damn Fatty, he knew he shouldn't have trusted him. "That's not it." He took a deep breath as he looked into Frodo's eyes. "Where do I begin - well, only way is to start from the beginning I suppose." He began to tell Frodo of events that happened many years ago.
**Many years ago**
Bilbo Baggins sang to himself as he strolled through the woods. "I love hairy asses and I can not lie, you other Hobbits can't deny, when a guy walks in with an - oof!" His singing was interrupted as he was nearly run over by a horse. He cursed as he toppled over and landed unceremoniously on his rear.
"Ooops, sorry about that," A soft feminine voice said from above.
Bilbo looked up to see a dark haired, blue-eyed Elven maiden atop a white horse. She smiled at him flirtatiously as she dismounted and offered a hand to Bilbo to help him rise.
"Foolish woman!" Bilbo snapped, swatting the hand aside and rising on his own. "You nearly killed me! Your blasted horse almost crushed me to a pulp!" He huffed as he wiped the dirt off of his clothing.
The Elf pursed her ruby lips and cooed, "Oooh, I am so sorry, Master Hobbit. Is there anything I can do to - make it up to you?" As she said this she knelt and leaned forward so he was on face level with her heaving bosom.
Bilbo made a sound of disgust. "Get your tits out of my face, you silly bint! I have no interest in burying my curly little head in between the heaving mounds of your womanly flesh!" He shuddered in revulsion at the very thought.
The Elf's features turned downward into a sulky pout. "Well you don't have to be so mean about it!" Her deep blue eyes shimmered with tears of indignation as she started to rise to her feet. Her foot caught the edge of her robes and she fell on her face, robes flying up over her head.
Bilbo snorted and shook his head in annoyance as the Elf struggled to right herself. "Stupid Elven sl-" He stopped short and his eyes widened as he caught sight of her now exposed lower half.
Her ass was hairy. Gloriously, incredibly hairy. He'd never seen a lass with a hairy ass before, which had always led him to pursue males to satisfy his fetish. He didn't care for the rest of this annoying creature, but that ass -
Bilbo felt his breeches tighten. "Uh, fair maiden, if you don't mind - I do believe I would like to partake of your 'hospitality' after all."
The Elf squealed with delight. "Let me just get undressed." She started to rise and tug at her clothing.
Bilbo immediately put a staying hand on her. "No, no!" He said quickly. "Stay just like that." He waited for her to lie back down on her stomach and then threw her robes back over her head. "Ahh, that's it, that's how I like it," He purred as he moved behind her. "Now, don't you speak or move, you naughty girl!" He cried with exaggerated passion. He didn't want to see her face or hear that damn annoying voice of hers. He just wanted to concentrate on that lovely round, hairy ass.
**Hours later**
Bilbo zipped us his breeches and sighed contentedly. There was something to be said for the warm wetness of a lass. Too bad very few of them had the oh- so-hairy derriere that made 'Little Bilbo' stand tall and proud.
"Can I get up now?" The Elf asked from under the robes still flung over her head.
Bilbo finished adjusting his clothing and waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, yes, go ahead." He didn't hide the boredom in his voice. He was through with her now. "Well, I'll be off, then."
The Elf mounted her horse. "Will I ever see you again?" She asked.
Bilbo sighed. He hated after-sex talk. "Perhaps. Listen baby, it was great, but I have business to see to, you understand, don't you?"
She smiled at him. "Of course. May I know your name?"
Bilbo, still feeling smug from his conquest, didn't think to give her a fake name. "Baggins. Bilbo Baggins."
The Elf clasped her hands dramatically to her breast. "I will forever remember this moment we shared, dear Bilbo Bag-"
"Yes, yes, whatever, bye." Bilbo turned away without another word and continued on his way, barely hearing the hoof beats as the Elf took off in the opposite direction.
**Back in the present**
"Um, Bilbo," Frodo said as he furrowed his brows, "I'm very happy you scored and all, but what does that have to do with what you want to tell me?"
Bilbo cuffed Frodo upside the head. "I was getting to that! Now, some months later, I awoke to find a basket on my doorstep at Bag End. Inside it was a baby. You, Frodo."
Frodo looked confused. "Me?"
Bilbo sighed. "Yes - inside was a note from that delectably hairy-assed Elf I had nearly forgotten about. It said that you were mine. Frodo, you're my son." He paused for a moment, then added, "And your mother is Lord Elrond's daughter, Arwen."
Frodo's eyes went wide. Bilbo waited patiently for his nephew/son to absorb what he had just learned. The younger Hobbit opened and closed his mouth several times before finally managing to speak.
"ARWEN HAS A HAIRY ASS!?"
More to come.
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: This is meant in jest, it is not meant to be accurate to canon in any fashion. Just turn your brain off and enjoy. Feedback is always welcome. Oh, and this will be a multi chapter story.
**Rivendell**
Frodo sat on a bench with his Uncle Bilbo, chatting about all the things Bilbo had done since his departure from the Shire. Frodo felt his unease on the mission he had chosen to undertake slowly ebbing away as he was regaled with the colorful tales of the older Hobbit.
After a particularly long moment of silence, Bilbo sighed and took Frodo's hand in his. "Frodo," Bilbo began. "Before you leave on this quest, there is something I must tell you - a secret I have kept from you all of your life."
Frodo smiled understandingly and patted Bilbo's hand. "I know what you're going to tell me, Bilbo. It's all right. Everyone in the Shire already knows about your hairy ass fetish. Fatty told me all about the time you and he-"
"No, no, no!" Bilbo said hurriedly. Damn Fatty, he knew he shouldn't have trusted him. "That's not it." He took a deep breath as he looked into Frodo's eyes. "Where do I begin - well, only way is to start from the beginning I suppose." He began to tell Frodo of events that happened many years ago.
**Many years ago**
Bilbo Baggins sang to himself as he strolled through the woods. "I love hairy asses and I can not lie, you other Hobbits can't deny, when a guy walks in with an - oof!" His singing was interrupted as he was nearly run over by a horse. He cursed as he toppled over and landed unceremoniously on his rear.
"Ooops, sorry about that," A soft feminine voice said from above.
Bilbo looked up to see a dark haired, blue-eyed Elven maiden atop a white horse. She smiled at him flirtatiously as she dismounted and offered a hand to Bilbo to help him rise.
"Foolish woman!" Bilbo snapped, swatting the hand aside and rising on his own. "You nearly killed me! Your blasted horse almost crushed me to a pulp!" He huffed as he wiped the dirt off of his clothing.
The Elf pursed her ruby lips and cooed, "Oooh, I am so sorry, Master Hobbit. Is there anything I can do to - make it up to you?" As she said this she knelt and leaned forward so he was on face level with her heaving bosom.
Bilbo made a sound of disgust. "Get your tits out of my face, you silly bint! I have no interest in burying my curly little head in between the heaving mounds of your womanly flesh!" He shuddered in revulsion at the very thought.
The Elf's features turned downward into a sulky pout. "Well you don't have to be so mean about it!" Her deep blue eyes shimmered with tears of indignation as she started to rise to her feet. Her foot caught the edge of her robes and she fell on her face, robes flying up over her head.
Bilbo snorted and shook his head in annoyance as the Elf struggled to right herself. "Stupid Elven sl-" He stopped short and his eyes widened as he caught sight of her now exposed lower half.
Her ass was hairy. Gloriously, incredibly hairy. He'd never seen a lass with a hairy ass before, which had always led him to pursue males to satisfy his fetish. He didn't care for the rest of this annoying creature, but that ass -
Bilbo felt his breeches tighten. "Uh, fair maiden, if you don't mind - I do believe I would like to partake of your 'hospitality' after all."
The Elf squealed with delight. "Let me just get undressed." She started to rise and tug at her clothing.
Bilbo immediately put a staying hand on her. "No, no!" He said quickly. "Stay just like that." He waited for her to lie back down on her stomach and then threw her robes back over her head. "Ahh, that's it, that's how I like it," He purred as he moved behind her. "Now, don't you speak or move, you naughty girl!" He cried with exaggerated passion. He didn't want to see her face or hear that damn annoying voice of hers. He just wanted to concentrate on that lovely round, hairy ass.
**Hours later**
Bilbo zipped us his breeches and sighed contentedly. There was something to be said for the warm wetness of a lass. Too bad very few of them had the oh- so-hairy derriere that made 'Little Bilbo' stand tall and proud.
"Can I get up now?" The Elf asked from under the robes still flung over her head.
Bilbo finished adjusting his clothing and waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, yes, go ahead." He didn't hide the boredom in his voice. He was through with her now. "Well, I'll be off, then."
The Elf mounted her horse. "Will I ever see you again?" She asked.
Bilbo sighed. He hated after-sex talk. "Perhaps. Listen baby, it was great, but I have business to see to, you understand, don't you?"
She smiled at him. "Of course. May I know your name?"
Bilbo, still feeling smug from his conquest, didn't think to give her a fake name. "Baggins. Bilbo Baggins."
The Elf clasped her hands dramatically to her breast. "I will forever remember this moment we shared, dear Bilbo Bag-"
"Yes, yes, whatever, bye." Bilbo turned away without another word and continued on his way, barely hearing the hoof beats as the Elf took off in the opposite direction.
**Back in the present**
"Um, Bilbo," Frodo said as he furrowed his brows, "I'm very happy you scored and all, but what does that have to do with what you want to tell me?"
Bilbo cuffed Frodo upside the head. "I was getting to that! Now, some months later, I awoke to find a basket on my doorstep at Bag End. Inside it was a baby. You, Frodo."
Frodo looked confused. "Me?"
Bilbo sighed. "Yes - inside was a note from that delectably hairy-assed Elf I had nearly forgotten about. It said that you were mine. Frodo, you're my son." He paused for a moment, then added, "And your mother is Lord Elrond's daughter, Arwen."
Frodo's eyes went wide. Bilbo waited patiently for his nephew/son to absorb what he had just learned. The younger Hobbit opened and closed his mouth several times before finally managing to speak.
"ARWEN HAS A HAIRY ASS!?"
More to come.