Title: Bilbo's Love Child 2/?
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, some slash mentioned
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: This is meant in jest, it is not meant to be accurate to canon in any fashion. Just turn your brain off and enjoy. Feedback is always welcome. The insanity continues!
Bilbo cuffed Frodo again. "Damn it boy, this isn't about Arwen's ass! It's about me being your father, and she being your mother!"
Frodo blinked. "Oh yes, well, it certainly explains a lot."
"It does?" Bilbo asked.
"Well, it explains why Arwen kept trying to breastfeed me when I was recovering from my injury," Frodo explained.
Bilbo snorted. "Sure, NOW she's feeling maternal. Girl never did tell her father she was even pregnant. Took a 'extended vacation' until she gave birth, then dumped you on my doorstep. Irresponsible wench."
Frodo frowned. "Bilbo, I don't like you talking about my mother that way."
"Oh for pity's sake Frodo, stop sulking! It makes you look just like her." He looked at the younger Hobbit and muttered, "Look too much like her already. That dark hair, those eyes, that skin. People in the Shire always did say you looked like you had Elven blood, they didn't know how right they were." Bilbo sighed.
"Well, at least my ass isn't hairy." Frodo said.
Bilbo gave Frodo a dirty look. "Nothing wrong with hairy asses, boy. But we're getting off the subject."
"Oh, right." Frodo went silent for a moment before sliding off of the bench. "I'm going to go see my mother."
Bilbo shrugged. "If you must. I'm avoiding her. She's still angry with me for shagging her and running all those years ago. What's she complaining about? I'm the one who got stuck raising you."
Frodo muttered, "I feel so loved." He turned to leave. "So, should I call you 'father' now, then?"
Bilbo glared. "No!"
Frodo rolled his eyes and went off to find Arwen.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Arwen was sharing a romantic moment with Aragorn in the gardens. Little did they know, Merry and Pippin were watching them from the bushes, hoping the lovers would decide to get naked so they could settle a bet about whether Arwen's breasts were fake or not. Unfortunately, they didn't seem to be doing anything but boring romantic talk. The two Hobbits were about to nod off when Frodo came running into view, causing the lovers to turn in his direction.
Frodo stopped to catch his breath, then looked uncertainly between Arwen and Aragorn. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt -" Frodo's bottom lip trembled for a moment before he suddenly launched himself at Arwen, clinging to her leg. "MOMMY!" He sobbed.
Aragorn stared at the two in disbelief. "M - mommy?"
Arwen sighed and lifted Frodo into her arms, pillowing his head firmly between her breasts. "Yes, my love. Frodo is my son."
The ranger looked between the two, open mouthed.
"Oh darling, it happened long ago, I was young, only just a thousand years old -" She paused as she noticed Frodo struggling against her. She pulled the gasping Hobbit away from her bosom. "What is it, my darling son, what is wrong?"
Frodo coughed. "You were - smothering me with your breasts."
"Oh," She blushed. "Sorry."
Aragorn found his voice again. "How - who?"
Arwen nuzzled Frodo and stroked his dark curly hair. "Bilbo." She began. "I ran into him on a trip through the woods. We were instantly consumed by lust and just had to express our mutual attraction right then and there!"
Frodo gave Arwen a funny look. "Bilbo said he thought you were a silly bint and he only shagged you because your hairy ass turned him on - "
Arwen crushed Frodo's head back into her cleavage to silence him. "Shh, my darling baby."
Aragorn looked shocked. "Arwen, how could you keep this from me?"
"Oh, love, my father does not even know. When I saw Frodo with you in the woods I had planned to tell you -"
"No, no, not that. I mean, when were you going to tell me your ass was hairy? No wonder you never let me get past first base! Waiting for marriage, yeah right! Were you going to save that little surprise for our wedding night?" Aragorn yelled, looking mortified.
Arwen burst into tears. Frodo struggled to escape suffocation once more and choked at the ranger, "You made Mommy cry. BAD future King of Gondor!"
Aragorn sighed and held up his hands. "All right, all right. I'm sorry. This is all just a bit much to take in at once." He looked at Arwen. "Does anyone else know?"
Arwen sniffled. "Well Daddy and Mother, and the healer that was present at my birth -"
"No, not about your ass, about HIM!" He pointed to Frodo.
She shook her head. "Only Bilbo."
"Well, that's good," Aragorn said. "But I think you should tell your father about this. Other than that, no one needs to know unless you wish to tell them."
Frodo and Arwen both nodded in agreement. Little did they know that Merry and Pippin had seen and heard everything from where they were hiding.
"Did you hear that, Merry?" Frodo is Arwen and Bilbo's son!" Pippin cried.
"I heard, Pip," Merry said seriously. "You know what this means, don't you?"
The two Hobbits' eyes met.
"Bilbo scored with an Elf!" They both shouted at once. "We HAVE to go ask him how he did it!" They had been trying to score ever since their arrival and wanted to get advice straight from the Hobbit they now considered a Sex God. They scrambled off to find him.
Before Aragorn left to allow Arwen and Frodo to go find Elrond, Aragorn asked one last question. "Arwen - how could you do it with Bilbo?"
Arwen sighed. "Oh my love, I just got caught up in the passion of the moment -"
"No, I mean HOW could you, literally? I mean, the size difference - how do you -" Aragorn looked perplexed.
Frodo rolled his eyes and tugged on Arwen's arm. The two left the ranger to try to figure it out for himself.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Good evening, my beautiful daughter. What is it you need to speak to me about?" Lord Elrond asked as he settled down into his chair. "Would you like some tea?" He offered to both Arwen and Frodo.
"Um, no thanks." Said Frodo, standing nervously by Arwen's side.
Arwen shook her head. "Father - there is something I have kept from you for many years."
Elrond waved his hand. "If this is about you and that serving girl, it's all right my dear. I've ridden on the other side of the horse myself. Why, I remember the good old days with Isildur - this was before he went insane with that Ring business, mind you." His expression got dreamy and far away. "I remember those hot, sweaty nights, bodies intertwined, naked flesh to naked flesh, gasping and grunting like wild animals as we -"
"DADDY!" Arwen cried as she clapped her hands over Frodo's ears.
Elrond seemed to snap back into reality. "Oh, sorry dear."
Frodo pried Arwen's hands from his ears. "Uh, could I possibly hear more about the gasping and grunting?" He asked hopefully.
"No you can not!" Arwen shrieked. Frodo and Elrond's eyes met and Elrond mouthed the word 'later' to him. Frodo nodded and smiled.
"Anyway, what is it you wanted to tell me?" Elrond asked.
Arwen took a deep breath and gestured to Frodo. "He's my son."
Elrond's eyes narrowed. "I see. Well at least I know what manner of creature knocked you up all those years ago now."
Arwen gasped. "You knew?"
Elrond rolled his eyes. "Arwen, I'm not a total idiot. One does not take an 'extended vacation' to the Forest of Knocked-Up Elf Maidens without it being obvious as to why they're going there."
"Hmm, yes. They really should change the name of the place," Arwen murmured.
Elrond looked at Frodo and a smile slowly spread across his face. He opened his arms wide. "Grandson!"
Frodo leapt onto Elrond's lap and into his arms. "Grandpa!"
Arwen smiled and dabbed the corner of her eyes with a hanky. "You're not angry then, father?"
"Hell no! I'm just happy I finally have a grandchild! You were my only hope, those brothers of yours - well, you know about them -" The Elf Lord made a gesture that looked like two male parts bumping together. Arwen smiled sweetly and nodded in understanding.
Elrond's expression darkened. "However, there is the matter of Frodo's father."
Arwen nodded. "Bilbo -"
"BILBO?!" Elrond shouted, jumping to his feet and spilling Frodo off of his lap. "You had sex with Bilbo Baggins? He's so creepy and perverted!" He glanced at Frodo. "Err, no offense."
Frodo smirked. "None taken."
Arwen began to cry again. "I was caught up in the heat of the moment, and he was such a gentleman -"
Frodo and Elrond both looked at her like she was crazy. The words 'gentleman' and 'Bilbo' just did not seem to go together.
"Now, now, my dear," Elrond said. "We all make mistakes. What matters now is that you are willing to own up to your responsibility."
Arwen nodded and blew her nose into her hanky noisily. "Yes, I love my little boy, I'll be a good mother from now on -" She suddenly remembered something. "Oh, I've got a hair appointment, keep an eye on him, will you Daddy?" She left without waiting for a reply.
Elrond sighed and looked at Frodo. "Well -" the Elf began.
Frodo nodded. "Well - can you tell me about the gasping and grunting now?"
Elrond's face lit up. "Ah, yes! Come sit in my lap my Grandson, and I will tell you all about it."
Frodo snuggled happily into the Elf Lord's robes and listened to his Grandfather regale him with tales of sweaty Elf/Man love.
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, some slash mentioned
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: This is meant in jest, it is not meant to be accurate to canon in any fashion. Just turn your brain off and enjoy. Feedback is always welcome. The insanity continues!
Bilbo cuffed Frodo again. "Damn it boy, this isn't about Arwen's ass! It's about me being your father, and she being your mother!"
Frodo blinked. "Oh yes, well, it certainly explains a lot."
"It does?" Bilbo asked.
"Well, it explains why Arwen kept trying to breastfeed me when I was recovering from my injury," Frodo explained.
Bilbo snorted. "Sure, NOW she's feeling maternal. Girl never did tell her father she was even pregnant. Took a 'extended vacation' until she gave birth, then dumped you on my doorstep. Irresponsible wench."
Frodo frowned. "Bilbo, I don't like you talking about my mother that way."
"Oh for pity's sake Frodo, stop sulking! It makes you look just like her." He looked at the younger Hobbit and muttered, "Look too much like her already. That dark hair, those eyes, that skin. People in the Shire always did say you looked like you had Elven blood, they didn't know how right they were." Bilbo sighed.
"Well, at least my ass isn't hairy." Frodo said.
Bilbo gave Frodo a dirty look. "Nothing wrong with hairy asses, boy. But we're getting off the subject."
"Oh, right." Frodo went silent for a moment before sliding off of the bench. "I'm going to go see my mother."
Bilbo shrugged. "If you must. I'm avoiding her. She's still angry with me for shagging her and running all those years ago. What's she complaining about? I'm the one who got stuck raising you."
Frodo muttered, "I feel so loved." He turned to leave. "So, should I call you 'father' now, then?"
Bilbo glared. "No!"
Frodo rolled his eyes and went off to find Arwen.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Arwen was sharing a romantic moment with Aragorn in the gardens. Little did they know, Merry and Pippin were watching them from the bushes, hoping the lovers would decide to get naked so they could settle a bet about whether Arwen's breasts were fake or not. Unfortunately, they didn't seem to be doing anything but boring romantic talk. The two Hobbits were about to nod off when Frodo came running into view, causing the lovers to turn in his direction.
Frodo stopped to catch his breath, then looked uncertainly between Arwen and Aragorn. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt -" Frodo's bottom lip trembled for a moment before he suddenly launched himself at Arwen, clinging to her leg. "MOMMY!" He sobbed.
Aragorn stared at the two in disbelief. "M - mommy?"
Arwen sighed and lifted Frodo into her arms, pillowing his head firmly between her breasts. "Yes, my love. Frodo is my son."
The ranger looked between the two, open mouthed.
"Oh darling, it happened long ago, I was young, only just a thousand years old -" She paused as she noticed Frodo struggling against her. She pulled the gasping Hobbit away from her bosom. "What is it, my darling son, what is wrong?"
Frodo coughed. "You were - smothering me with your breasts."
"Oh," She blushed. "Sorry."
Aragorn found his voice again. "How - who?"
Arwen nuzzled Frodo and stroked his dark curly hair. "Bilbo." She began. "I ran into him on a trip through the woods. We were instantly consumed by lust and just had to express our mutual attraction right then and there!"
Frodo gave Arwen a funny look. "Bilbo said he thought you were a silly bint and he only shagged you because your hairy ass turned him on - "
Arwen crushed Frodo's head back into her cleavage to silence him. "Shh, my darling baby."
Aragorn looked shocked. "Arwen, how could you keep this from me?"
"Oh, love, my father does not even know. When I saw Frodo with you in the woods I had planned to tell you -"
"No, no, not that. I mean, when were you going to tell me your ass was hairy? No wonder you never let me get past first base! Waiting for marriage, yeah right! Were you going to save that little surprise for our wedding night?" Aragorn yelled, looking mortified.
Arwen burst into tears. Frodo struggled to escape suffocation once more and choked at the ranger, "You made Mommy cry. BAD future King of Gondor!"
Aragorn sighed and held up his hands. "All right, all right. I'm sorry. This is all just a bit much to take in at once." He looked at Arwen. "Does anyone else know?"
Arwen sniffled. "Well Daddy and Mother, and the healer that was present at my birth -"
"No, not about your ass, about HIM!" He pointed to Frodo.
She shook her head. "Only Bilbo."
"Well, that's good," Aragorn said. "But I think you should tell your father about this. Other than that, no one needs to know unless you wish to tell them."
Frodo and Arwen both nodded in agreement. Little did they know that Merry and Pippin had seen and heard everything from where they were hiding.
"Did you hear that, Merry?" Frodo is Arwen and Bilbo's son!" Pippin cried.
"I heard, Pip," Merry said seriously. "You know what this means, don't you?"
The two Hobbits' eyes met.
"Bilbo scored with an Elf!" They both shouted at once. "We HAVE to go ask him how he did it!" They had been trying to score ever since their arrival and wanted to get advice straight from the Hobbit they now considered a Sex God. They scrambled off to find him.
Before Aragorn left to allow Arwen and Frodo to go find Elrond, Aragorn asked one last question. "Arwen - how could you do it with Bilbo?"
Arwen sighed. "Oh my love, I just got caught up in the passion of the moment -"
"No, I mean HOW could you, literally? I mean, the size difference - how do you -" Aragorn looked perplexed.
Frodo rolled his eyes and tugged on Arwen's arm. The two left the ranger to try to figure it out for himself.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Good evening, my beautiful daughter. What is it you need to speak to me about?" Lord Elrond asked as he settled down into his chair. "Would you like some tea?" He offered to both Arwen and Frodo.
"Um, no thanks." Said Frodo, standing nervously by Arwen's side.
Arwen shook her head. "Father - there is something I have kept from you for many years."
Elrond waved his hand. "If this is about you and that serving girl, it's all right my dear. I've ridden on the other side of the horse myself. Why, I remember the good old days with Isildur - this was before he went insane with that Ring business, mind you." His expression got dreamy and far away. "I remember those hot, sweaty nights, bodies intertwined, naked flesh to naked flesh, gasping and grunting like wild animals as we -"
"DADDY!" Arwen cried as she clapped her hands over Frodo's ears.
Elrond seemed to snap back into reality. "Oh, sorry dear."
Frodo pried Arwen's hands from his ears. "Uh, could I possibly hear more about the gasping and grunting?" He asked hopefully.
"No you can not!" Arwen shrieked. Frodo and Elrond's eyes met and Elrond mouthed the word 'later' to him. Frodo nodded and smiled.
"Anyway, what is it you wanted to tell me?" Elrond asked.
Arwen took a deep breath and gestured to Frodo. "He's my son."
Elrond's eyes narrowed. "I see. Well at least I know what manner of creature knocked you up all those years ago now."
Arwen gasped. "You knew?"
Elrond rolled his eyes. "Arwen, I'm not a total idiot. One does not take an 'extended vacation' to the Forest of Knocked-Up Elf Maidens without it being obvious as to why they're going there."
"Hmm, yes. They really should change the name of the place," Arwen murmured.
Elrond looked at Frodo and a smile slowly spread across his face. He opened his arms wide. "Grandson!"
Frodo leapt onto Elrond's lap and into his arms. "Grandpa!"
Arwen smiled and dabbed the corner of her eyes with a hanky. "You're not angry then, father?"
"Hell no! I'm just happy I finally have a grandchild! You were my only hope, those brothers of yours - well, you know about them -" The Elf Lord made a gesture that looked like two male parts bumping together. Arwen smiled sweetly and nodded in understanding.
Elrond's expression darkened. "However, there is the matter of Frodo's father."
Arwen nodded. "Bilbo -"
"BILBO?!" Elrond shouted, jumping to his feet and spilling Frodo off of his lap. "You had sex with Bilbo Baggins? He's so creepy and perverted!" He glanced at Frodo. "Err, no offense."
Frodo smirked. "None taken."
Arwen began to cry again. "I was caught up in the heat of the moment, and he was such a gentleman -"
Frodo and Elrond both looked at her like she was crazy. The words 'gentleman' and 'Bilbo' just did not seem to go together.
"Now, now, my dear," Elrond said. "We all make mistakes. What matters now is that you are willing to own up to your responsibility."
Arwen nodded and blew her nose into her hanky noisily. "Yes, I love my little boy, I'll be a good mother from now on -" She suddenly remembered something. "Oh, I've got a hair appointment, keep an eye on him, will you Daddy?" She left without waiting for a reply.
Elrond sighed and looked at Frodo. "Well -" the Elf began.
Frodo nodded. "Well - can you tell me about the gasping and grunting now?"
Elrond's face lit up. "Ah, yes! Come sit in my lap my Grandson, and I will tell you all about it."
Frodo snuggled happily into the Elf Lord's robes and listened to his Grandfather regale him with tales of sweaty Elf/Man love.