Title: Bilbo's Love Child 3/?
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, some slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: I just wanted to thank everyone who has reviewed so far. It's nice to know I'm not the only weirdo out there LOL. I'm not sure how far I'm going to take this or where it's going exactly, I just write it up as inspiration hits. Any suggestions let me know.
The next day a grand feast was held in honor of the nine members of the fellowship who would soon be departing on their quest. Mounds of delicious food and various types of alcohol were available, and the guests were taking full advantage. Merry and Pippin, having received their much-desired romantic advice from Bilbo, decided there was no better time to try to pick up an Elf chick.
Both young Hobbits had drunk a little - well, a lot - more than they should have and were feeling rather randy. They needed to get their hands on some Elven ass as soon as possible!
"Look Merry, over there! Look at that ass!" Pippin cried.
Merry grinned drunkenly and looked in the direction Pippin was pointing. The lass's back was turned to them. She had long flowing blonde hair and was wearing a pair of breeches that hugged a pair of small, perfectly round buttocks. "Oh yeah Pip, that's a fine one! Let's go get it!" The two Hobbits weaved their way through the crowd, sneaking up on their object of lust.
Once they were right behind the beautiful blonde Elf, Merry whispered to Pippin, "Now, remember, we do it just like Bilbo told us!"
"Righto!" Pippin agreed.
The two counted to three silently - then two sets of Hobbit hands took firm hold of the magnificent rear before them. Then they both said at once: "Hey baby! Gimme some of that fine looking ass! I got some of what you want right here, oh yeah!" They each took a hand off the Elf's rear to grab themselves in a rather crude manner as the Elf spun around.
Legolas, who was the owner of the ass they had just grabbed, stared at the two Hobbits in disbelief. His blue eyes widened and his lips parted. "Master Hobbits - may I ask why you just did that?"
Merry gasped. "Oh, Legolas! I'm so sorry! We thought you were a lass and -" Next to him, Pippin continued with the routine Bilbo had taught them, not seeming to care they had misjudged the gender of their target.
"Yeah baby, I got what you need right here!" Pippin said lewdly as he continued to grab himself. "Take off those clothes so I can slide some hot meat between those buns of yours!"
"Pip!" Merry hissed, looking horribly embarrassed.
Legolas stared open-mouthed at Pippin for a long moment - then suddenly he was on his knees before the two Hobbits, clutching his hands to his chest. The Elf's eyes glazed over and his breathing deepened.
"Oh, gentle Hobbit!" cried the Prince of Mirkwood dramatically. "Your beautiful words have inflamed me like none ever have! I beg of you, allow me to share a night of exquisite pleasure with you!"
Merry just stared in disbelief as Pippin grinned and said, "Sure baby, let's go find some privacy and I'll show you why the call me The Sausage King!"
Legolas let out a breathy sigh and fluttered his eyelashes at the crude words. Pippin and the Elf quickly took off towards the woods, leaving a stunned Merry behind.
"Well, at least I know those lines work," Merry muttered.
**Meanwhile**
Frodo had never been more embarrassed in his life. Well, maybe except for that time Sam had caught him yanking off while peeping at Rosie Cotton in the bath. Anyway, Arwen was in full Mommy mode, and it was humiliating. He was currently sitting in a raised chair at the table, a large napkin tucked into his collar that covered nearly his entire front. Arwen was sitting next to him and feeding him bites of food - which she had carefully cut up into small pieces so her darling baby wouldn't choke. And of course, everyone was watching.
"Mother," Frodo said as he turned his head away from a piece of offered food, "I can feed myself just fine."
"Oh I know my darling, but Mommy wants to do this for you!" Arwen cooed. "I missed out on all this when you were a baby! Now open the cave and let the troll crawl in!" She made a piece of fruit dance in her hand and made what were supposed to be troll noises as she moved it towards his mouth.
Frodo sighed in resignation and opened his mouth. As he chewed and swallowed, he looked about for a means of escape.
Gandalf. No, he was sitting with Bilbo, and both were smoking some of that 'special' pipe weed that Bilbo had grown himself. Frodo caught Bilbo's eyes for a moment and the older Hobbit smiled with exaggerated sweetness and gave a sarcastic little wave.
Frodo gave him the finger. Out of range of Arwen's vision, of course.
Let's see, who else? Grandpa Elrond. But that was no good either. Elrond was currently talking to Aragorn, who looked bewildered. He spoke to Elrond urgently for a few moments before the Elf Lord smiled and patted the ranger's shoulder. Elrond then use his hands to make a circle with one hand and used one finger of the other hand to stab the inside of the circle repeatedly. Aragorn suddenly turned green and ran a short distance away, where he vomited into the bushes.
Frodo couldn't help but smile. It looked like Aragorn had finally figured out how Hobbit/Elf sex worked.
Frodo spied Sam sitting in a corner, sulking and staring at him and Arwen. Poor Sam. Frodo knew his manservant was jealous that Arwen was taking care of his darling Mr. Frodo instead of him. Sam was a dear friend, but some of Sam's ideas of 'taking care of him' he could do without - like the weekly prostate exam. Sam STILL hadn't explained to him why that was necessary.
Hmm, moving on. Pippin was nowhere to be seen. Ah, Merry! The other Hobbit was standing near the wine barrels, looking morose and downing mug after mug of alcohol. Frodo turned to Arwen.
"That was a wonderful meal, Mommy. May I be excused now so I can go play with my friend Merry?"
Arwen narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. "Hmm, all right, but no drinking! That Brandybuck boy is a bad influence!"
Frodo suppressed a groan. "Yes Mother." He yanked off his napkin and slid off of his chair.
"I want you back here by sunset, young man!" Arwen called after him.
Frodo sighed and walked over to Merry. "Where's Pippin?"
Merry scowled and downed more of his drink. "He's out getting it on with Legolas."
Frodo blinked. "Really? Well, Legolas DOES have a nice ass."
"Shut up," Merry said crossly. "I'm not in the mood. Well actually, I AM in the mood, that's the problem. I'm drunk and I'm HORNY AS HELL! IF I DON'T SINK THE OLD SAUSAGE SOON I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY!" He didn't realize until it was too late that he had shouted most of that, and now most of the crowd was staring at him.
"That's it!" A voice screeched. Frodo winced as Arwen came charging through and grabbed ahold of his ear. "You're going to bed early, young man! And YOU," She said as she glared at Merry, "Are not allowed to play with my son anymore! You filthy, filthy boy!" With a huff she dragged a protesting Frodo back towards the palace.
Merry downed the rest of his mug and was about to wander off to pass out, throw up, or both, when he heard a gruff voice speak next to him.
"You know, I am rather fond of sausage."
Merry looked up and saw Gimli the dwarf standing there. The Hobbit scowled. "Sorry, I like lasses."
Gimli frowned. "I can act like a lass if you want! I do a great falsetto, and I have rather large man boobs! Come on, give me a chance!" The dwarf looked at the Hobbit with desperation.
Merry sighed. "Let me get one more mug down here." He gulped down another pint and turned to look at the dwarf once again. "All right, NOW I'm drunk enough to think you're attractive enough to shag. Let's go."
Gimli squealed with delight and the two made an exit.
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, some slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: I just wanted to thank everyone who has reviewed so far. It's nice to know I'm not the only weirdo out there LOL. I'm not sure how far I'm going to take this or where it's going exactly, I just write it up as inspiration hits. Any suggestions let me know.
The next day a grand feast was held in honor of the nine members of the fellowship who would soon be departing on their quest. Mounds of delicious food and various types of alcohol were available, and the guests were taking full advantage. Merry and Pippin, having received their much-desired romantic advice from Bilbo, decided there was no better time to try to pick up an Elf chick.
Both young Hobbits had drunk a little - well, a lot - more than they should have and were feeling rather randy. They needed to get their hands on some Elven ass as soon as possible!
"Look Merry, over there! Look at that ass!" Pippin cried.
Merry grinned drunkenly and looked in the direction Pippin was pointing. The lass's back was turned to them. She had long flowing blonde hair and was wearing a pair of breeches that hugged a pair of small, perfectly round buttocks. "Oh yeah Pip, that's a fine one! Let's go get it!" The two Hobbits weaved their way through the crowd, sneaking up on their object of lust.
Once they were right behind the beautiful blonde Elf, Merry whispered to Pippin, "Now, remember, we do it just like Bilbo told us!"
"Righto!" Pippin agreed.
The two counted to three silently - then two sets of Hobbit hands took firm hold of the magnificent rear before them. Then they both said at once: "Hey baby! Gimme some of that fine looking ass! I got some of what you want right here, oh yeah!" They each took a hand off the Elf's rear to grab themselves in a rather crude manner as the Elf spun around.
Legolas, who was the owner of the ass they had just grabbed, stared at the two Hobbits in disbelief. His blue eyes widened and his lips parted. "Master Hobbits - may I ask why you just did that?"
Merry gasped. "Oh, Legolas! I'm so sorry! We thought you were a lass and -" Next to him, Pippin continued with the routine Bilbo had taught them, not seeming to care they had misjudged the gender of their target.
"Yeah baby, I got what you need right here!" Pippin said lewdly as he continued to grab himself. "Take off those clothes so I can slide some hot meat between those buns of yours!"
"Pip!" Merry hissed, looking horribly embarrassed.
Legolas stared open-mouthed at Pippin for a long moment - then suddenly he was on his knees before the two Hobbits, clutching his hands to his chest. The Elf's eyes glazed over and his breathing deepened.
"Oh, gentle Hobbit!" cried the Prince of Mirkwood dramatically. "Your beautiful words have inflamed me like none ever have! I beg of you, allow me to share a night of exquisite pleasure with you!"
Merry just stared in disbelief as Pippin grinned and said, "Sure baby, let's go find some privacy and I'll show you why the call me The Sausage King!"
Legolas let out a breathy sigh and fluttered his eyelashes at the crude words. Pippin and the Elf quickly took off towards the woods, leaving a stunned Merry behind.
"Well, at least I know those lines work," Merry muttered.
**Meanwhile**
Frodo had never been more embarrassed in his life. Well, maybe except for that time Sam had caught him yanking off while peeping at Rosie Cotton in the bath. Anyway, Arwen was in full Mommy mode, and it was humiliating. He was currently sitting in a raised chair at the table, a large napkin tucked into his collar that covered nearly his entire front. Arwen was sitting next to him and feeding him bites of food - which she had carefully cut up into small pieces so her darling baby wouldn't choke. And of course, everyone was watching.
"Mother," Frodo said as he turned his head away from a piece of offered food, "I can feed myself just fine."
"Oh I know my darling, but Mommy wants to do this for you!" Arwen cooed. "I missed out on all this when you were a baby! Now open the cave and let the troll crawl in!" She made a piece of fruit dance in her hand and made what were supposed to be troll noises as she moved it towards his mouth.
Frodo sighed in resignation and opened his mouth. As he chewed and swallowed, he looked about for a means of escape.
Gandalf. No, he was sitting with Bilbo, and both were smoking some of that 'special' pipe weed that Bilbo had grown himself. Frodo caught Bilbo's eyes for a moment and the older Hobbit smiled with exaggerated sweetness and gave a sarcastic little wave.
Frodo gave him the finger. Out of range of Arwen's vision, of course.
Let's see, who else? Grandpa Elrond. But that was no good either. Elrond was currently talking to Aragorn, who looked bewildered. He spoke to Elrond urgently for a few moments before the Elf Lord smiled and patted the ranger's shoulder. Elrond then use his hands to make a circle with one hand and used one finger of the other hand to stab the inside of the circle repeatedly. Aragorn suddenly turned green and ran a short distance away, where he vomited into the bushes.
Frodo couldn't help but smile. It looked like Aragorn had finally figured out how Hobbit/Elf sex worked.
Frodo spied Sam sitting in a corner, sulking and staring at him and Arwen. Poor Sam. Frodo knew his manservant was jealous that Arwen was taking care of his darling Mr. Frodo instead of him. Sam was a dear friend, but some of Sam's ideas of 'taking care of him' he could do without - like the weekly prostate exam. Sam STILL hadn't explained to him why that was necessary.
Hmm, moving on. Pippin was nowhere to be seen. Ah, Merry! The other Hobbit was standing near the wine barrels, looking morose and downing mug after mug of alcohol. Frodo turned to Arwen.
"That was a wonderful meal, Mommy. May I be excused now so I can go play with my friend Merry?"
Arwen narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. "Hmm, all right, but no drinking! That Brandybuck boy is a bad influence!"
Frodo suppressed a groan. "Yes Mother." He yanked off his napkin and slid off of his chair.
"I want you back here by sunset, young man!" Arwen called after him.
Frodo sighed and walked over to Merry. "Where's Pippin?"
Merry scowled and downed more of his drink. "He's out getting it on with Legolas."
Frodo blinked. "Really? Well, Legolas DOES have a nice ass."
"Shut up," Merry said crossly. "I'm not in the mood. Well actually, I AM in the mood, that's the problem. I'm drunk and I'm HORNY AS HELL! IF I DON'T SINK THE OLD SAUSAGE SOON I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY!" He didn't realize until it was too late that he had shouted most of that, and now most of the crowd was staring at him.
"That's it!" A voice screeched. Frodo winced as Arwen came charging through and grabbed ahold of his ear. "You're going to bed early, young man! And YOU," She said as she glared at Merry, "Are not allowed to play with my son anymore! You filthy, filthy boy!" With a huff she dragged a protesting Frodo back towards the palace.
Merry downed the rest of his mug and was about to wander off to pass out, throw up, or both, when he heard a gruff voice speak next to him.
"You know, I am rather fond of sausage."
Merry looked up and saw Gimli the dwarf standing there. The Hobbit scowled. "Sorry, I like lasses."
Gimli frowned. "I can act like a lass if you want! I do a great falsetto, and I have rather large man boobs! Come on, give me a chance!" The dwarf looked at the Hobbit with desperation.
Merry sighed. "Let me get one more mug down here." He gulped down another pint and turned to look at the dwarf once again. "All right, NOW I'm drunk enough to think you're attractive enough to shag. Let's go."
Gimli squealed with delight and the two made an exit.