Title: Bilbo's Love Child 4/?
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, some slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: I'm trying to decide where to end this. Eventually the gang will need to head off on their quest. I don't know if I want to add onto this story after that or make a separate sequel type story where they're on the road and dealing with the aftermath of all the events in Rivendell (like Merry shagging Gimli - erk). Or not write anything after Rivendell at all, maybe. Let me know what you think.
Boromir sighed as he watched Merry and Gimli leave together. There went his last chance to score this evening. "It's just you and me tonight, old friend," Boromir murmured as he stroked his Horn of Gondor.
Meanwhile, Aragorn had finally finished puking into the bushes and decided to go find Arwen. He entered the palace and heard the sound of raised voices coming from down the hallway. The ranger followed the sound until he stood in front of the door to Frodo's room.
"Mother, really, I don't need -"
"Now now dear, don't talk back. It's for your own good, you wouldn't want to mess your sheets, now would you?"
"Mother, I don't - OH NO, STOP IT!"
Aragorn burst into the room, ready to defend the Ringbearer. What he saw made him stop in his tracks.
Frodo was naked on his bed with Arwen hovering over him. In her hand was a large square of cloth and some pins. Frodo saw Aragorn and squealed, "Aragorn, will you PLEASE tell your fiancée that I don't need a diaper?"
"A - a diaper?" Aragorn choked as he stared at the two.
"I just don't want him soiling his sheets like he did last night," Arwen explained.
Aragorn stared at Frodo. "Are you a bed wetter?"
Frodo sighed. "No, it wasn't that, it -" He tried to think of a polite way to explain it in front of his mother, but gave up. He was getting too annoyed with her to care much about politeness. "I was yanking off and got some on the sheets."
Arwen looked horrified. "You shouldn't even be thinking about such things! Oh, that filthy boy Merry has corrupted you, I knew it! Well, I'll make sure he stays FAR away from you from now on-"
"WILL YOU FUCKING SHUT UP?" Shouted Frodo. Arwen stopped in the middle of her tirade and stared at her son in shock. Frodo stood up on the bed and glared. "I am not a child, I am an adult, I am over 50 fucking years old, and if I want to yank off I will! If I want to shag I will, and if I want to hear Merry talk about sinking his sausage I'll do that too!"
Aragorn hid a smile behind his hand. If Arwen saw it she would kill him.
Arwen's face melted into sadness and she burst into tears. "What have I done to deserve this?" She sobbed, using the diaper to blow her nose rather loudly.
Frodo rolled his eyes and hopped off the bed. "I'm going out, and I'm going to STAY out as long as I want!" He marched towards the door.
"Ah, Frodo -" Aragorn began.
"I don't want to hear it! I'm going!" Frodo left, slamming the door behind him.
Aragorn looked at Frodo's clothing, which were still laying by the bed. "Three, two, one -"
"AHHHHHH!!"
Frodo came running back into the room, stark naked of course since he had forgotten to dress before he left. Right behind him was Boromir with his Horn of Gondor clutched in his hand.
"Come back little one! You are so fair, let me show you all the pleasures of Gondor! He held out the horn pleadingly. "Please, just blow it once!"
"You sick bastard!" Arwen shrieked. She brought her knee up and it connected squarely with its target. Aragorn and Frodo both winced at the resulting crunch.
"Arrrgh!" Boromir cried as he doubled over. His hands fell open and the Horn of Gondor fell onto the floor, broken neatly into two pieces. "Oh no, my Horn! You bitch, you are so cruel, so -" He looked up at Arwen and begin to drool. "Sexy -"
Arwen stared at Boromir, a suddenly sappy expression on her face. "Your verbal abuse inflames me like none other! Let us repair your Horn of Gondor, and I will be most happy to blow it for you!"
Aragorn stared at the two. "Uh, Arwen, aren't you my fiancée?"
Frodo, now fully dressed, tugged on Aragorn's sleeve. "Forget it, Boromir won't get far anyway. Let's wait outside." Aragorn looked confused, then his eyes lit up with understanding as Frodo gestured towards Arwen's ass. The two left, closing the door behind them.
Frodo and Aragorn leaned against the wall outside and chanted together, "Three, two, one -"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Boromir came running out of the room, holding his pants up. He slammed the door behind him and stood shivering. "Hair - her ass - hair -" Boromir slumped to the ground, pants still unfastened, and began to rock back and forth.
Aragorn and Frodo looked at each other, shrugged, and headed back out into the courtyard.
The feast was winding down. Most everyone had left, except for Bilbo and Gandalf, who were stoned out of their minds and were having too much fun giggling over the phallic nature of one of the nearby pillars.
Frodo and Aragorn were picking over what was left of the food when Pippin and Legolas appeared. Pippin looked smug and Legolas was trailing after him with a look of total adoration.
"Oh, hello Pippin, Legolas," Aragorn greeted them. "Did you enjoy the feast?"
Before Legolas could speak, Pippin grinned lecherously. "Oh yeah, Legolas enjoyed the feast, especially the sausage! Didn't you, baby?" He squeezed Legolas' butt and then gave it a firm smack, eliciting a delighted squeal from the Elf.
"I want to have his baby," Legolas said dreamily.
Frodo high fived Pippin. "Score! Congratulations man!"
Aragorn stared at Pippin, at Legolas, then back to Pippin. Suddenly realizing he was being reminded of the dynamics of Hobbit/Elf sex, he ran off to be sick again.
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, some slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: I'm trying to decide where to end this. Eventually the gang will need to head off on their quest. I don't know if I want to add onto this story after that or make a separate sequel type story where they're on the road and dealing with the aftermath of all the events in Rivendell (like Merry shagging Gimli - erk). Or not write anything after Rivendell at all, maybe. Let me know what you think.
Boromir sighed as he watched Merry and Gimli leave together. There went his last chance to score this evening. "It's just you and me tonight, old friend," Boromir murmured as he stroked his Horn of Gondor.
Meanwhile, Aragorn had finally finished puking into the bushes and decided to go find Arwen. He entered the palace and heard the sound of raised voices coming from down the hallway. The ranger followed the sound until he stood in front of the door to Frodo's room.
"Mother, really, I don't need -"
"Now now dear, don't talk back. It's for your own good, you wouldn't want to mess your sheets, now would you?"
"Mother, I don't - OH NO, STOP IT!"
Aragorn burst into the room, ready to defend the Ringbearer. What he saw made him stop in his tracks.
Frodo was naked on his bed with Arwen hovering over him. In her hand was a large square of cloth and some pins. Frodo saw Aragorn and squealed, "Aragorn, will you PLEASE tell your fiancée that I don't need a diaper?"
"A - a diaper?" Aragorn choked as he stared at the two.
"I just don't want him soiling his sheets like he did last night," Arwen explained.
Aragorn stared at Frodo. "Are you a bed wetter?"
Frodo sighed. "No, it wasn't that, it -" He tried to think of a polite way to explain it in front of his mother, but gave up. He was getting too annoyed with her to care much about politeness. "I was yanking off and got some on the sheets."
Arwen looked horrified. "You shouldn't even be thinking about such things! Oh, that filthy boy Merry has corrupted you, I knew it! Well, I'll make sure he stays FAR away from you from now on-"
"WILL YOU FUCKING SHUT UP?" Shouted Frodo. Arwen stopped in the middle of her tirade and stared at her son in shock. Frodo stood up on the bed and glared. "I am not a child, I am an adult, I am over 50 fucking years old, and if I want to yank off I will! If I want to shag I will, and if I want to hear Merry talk about sinking his sausage I'll do that too!"
Aragorn hid a smile behind his hand. If Arwen saw it she would kill him.
Arwen's face melted into sadness and she burst into tears. "What have I done to deserve this?" She sobbed, using the diaper to blow her nose rather loudly.
Frodo rolled his eyes and hopped off the bed. "I'm going out, and I'm going to STAY out as long as I want!" He marched towards the door.
"Ah, Frodo -" Aragorn began.
"I don't want to hear it! I'm going!" Frodo left, slamming the door behind him.
Aragorn looked at Frodo's clothing, which were still laying by the bed. "Three, two, one -"
"AHHHHHH!!"
Frodo came running back into the room, stark naked of course since he had forgotten to dress before he left. Right behind him was Boromir with his Horn of Gondor clutched in his hand.
"Come back little one! You are so fair, let me show you all the pleasures of Gondor! He held out the horn pleadingly. "Please, just blow it once!"
"You sick bastard!" Arwen shrieked. She brought her knee up and it connected squarely with its target. Aragorn and Frodo both winced at the resulting crunch.
"Arrrgh!" Boromir cried as he doubled over. His hands fell open and the Horn of Gondor fell onto the floor, broken neatly into two pieces. "Oh no, my Horn! You bitch, you are so cruel, so -" He looked up at Arwen and begin to drool. "Sexy -"
Arwen stared at Boromir, a suddenly sappy expression on her face. "Your verbal abuse inflames me like none other! Let us repair your Horn of Gondor, and I will be most happy to blow it for you!"
Aragorn stared at the two. "Uh, Arwen, aren't you my fiancée?"
Frodo, now fully dressed, tugged on Aragorn's sleeve. "Forget it, Boromir won't get far anyway. Let's wait outside." Aragorn looked confused, then his eyes lit up with understanding as Frodo gestured towards Arwen's ass. The two left, closing the door behind them.
Frodo and Aragorn leaned against the wall outside and chanted together, "Three, two, one -"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Boromir came running out of the room, holding his pants up. He slammed the door behind him and stood shivering. "Hair - her ass - hair -" Boromir slumped to the ground, pants still unfastened, and began to rock back and forth.
Aragorn and Frodo looked at each other, shrugged, and headed back out into the courtyard.
The feast was winding down. Most everyone had left, except for Bilbo and Gandalf, who were stoned out of their minds and were having too much fun giggling over the phallic nature of one of the nearby pillars.
Frodo and Aragorn were picking over what was left of the food when Pippin and Legolas appeared. Pippin looked smug and Legolas was trailing after him with a look of total adoration.
"Oh, hello Pippin, Legolas," Aragorn greeted them. "Did you enjoy the feast?"
Before Legolas could speak, Pippin grinned lecherously. "Oh yeah, Legolas enjoyed the feast, especially the sausage! Didn't you, baby?" He squeezed Legolas' butt and then gave it a firm smack, eliciting a delighted squeal from the Elf.
"I want to have his baby," Legolas said dreamily.
Frodo high fived Pippin. "Score! Congratulations man!"
Aragorn stared at Pippin, at Legolas, then back to Pippin. Suddenly realizing he was being reminded of the dynamics of Hobbit/Elf sex, he ran off to be sick again.