Title: Bilbo's Love Child 5/?
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: It occurred to me someone might be offended by some of the abusive or sexist type of language towards some characters, like how Pippin talks to Legolas, etc. I just want to say that I do not condone abuse towards anyone and it's all meant in jest. I am not implying anyone really gets off on being talked to and treated like these characters are. Please remember it's just a story and I mean no harm.
Also, this has gotten extremely slashy, I know. LOTR just does not have enough female characters :
Pippin watched Aragorn run off and raised a brow. "What's wrong with him?"
"Well, he found out recently that not only is his fiancée a tramp, but that she has a hairy ass and had sex with Bilbo," Frodo explained.
"Oh yeah, me and Merry overheard about that. Can't blame Bilbo though, these Elves are FANTASTIC shags!" He winked at Legolas, who giggled like a schoolgirl.
Gimli appeared, his helmet on backwards and his braids in wild disarray. He grinned in that 'just got some' way and waved. "Good evening, gentlemen."
"Hey, looks like you scored too," Pippin said. "Who's the lucky one?"
Gimli gestured behind him to Merry, who was stumbling his way towards them. His hair was full of leaves and his shirt was open. The Hobbit gave Gimli a wide berth, shuddering as he passed him.
"You shagged Gimli?" Frodo asked Merry incredulously.
Merry shuddered again. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Bah!" Gimli said. "He was certainly doing enough talking during it!" Gimli began to do an eerie imitation of Merry in the throes of passion "Oh yeah, bitch, bring those sexy man tits over here."
Aragorn, who had just come back from getting sick, ran off again. This time Frodo joined him.
**Meanwhile**
Arwen sat in Frodo's room, crying. "My baby doesn't love me!" She sobbed as she blew her nose loudly into what was supposed to have been Frodo's diaper. "Where have I gone wrong? I only wanted to be a good mother!"
The door creaked open and Lord Elrond poked his head in. "Arwen?"
"Oh, Daddy!" Arwen cried, pulling her father inside and throwing herself into his arms. "I knew you would come to comfort me!"
Elrond struggled in his daughter's vice-like grip. "Uh, actually, I was just coming to ask why Boromir is sitting in front of the door with his pants around his knees, rocking back and forth and muttering about your ass."
"Oh Daddy, it was terrible! I - I repulsed him, just like I repulse every man I meet!" She began to sob loudly and Elrond tried to back away so she wouldn't get his robes all wet.
"Well, I really can't deny that," Elrond muttered. "It really wasn't right of you to keep your - deformity - from Aragorn, either. I believe he intends to break off your engagement." He sighed. "Well, at least I have one grandchild. Where is Frodo, anyway?"
"He left me," Arwen sniffled. "I was just trying to diaper him after his bath and he said the most terrible things to me -"
"You were trying to WHAT?" Elrond groaned and shook his head. "All right, Arwen - I hate to say this about any child of mine - but you have gone completely nuts. I mean, for Valar's sake! Frodo's not a baby, and you have to stop treating him like one! You're just going to keep pushing him away by acting like this! You need to treat him like the adult he is!"
Arwen's face lit up as inspiration struck. Elrond muttered, "Oh shit," under his breath.
"You're right, Daddy! You're absolutely right!" She cried. "I have to accept he is an adult and find ways to gain his love by catering to his adult needs!"
"Uh, Arwen," Elrond began. "I know this is probably useless to say to you, but PLEASE don't do anything stupid."
Arwen wasn't listening. "Yes, that's exactly what I'll do! Frodo will know I recognize he is an adult and he will love me again!" She ran out of the room to set her plan in motion.
Elrond sighed and left the room, shutting the door behind him. He knelt down next to Boromir, who was still rocking back and forth and muttering.
~Come back to the light~ Elrond said into Boromir's mind. ~The ass is gone. It can bring you no harm. Come back to the light, and for Valar's sake pull up your pants! ~
Boromir snapped out of his trance and looked at Elrond, confused. "Wha - what happened?" He looked down at himself. "Why are my pants around my knees - MY HORN!" He held up the broken halves of his Horn of Gondor and began to sob.
Elrond patted the Man's shoulder soothingly. "Now, now. We'll fix your horn." He helped Boromir to his feet and turned away so Boromir could pull up his pants - after taking a quick look at what the Man of Gondor had to offer.
Boromir let Elrond lead him down the corridor towards the Elf Lord's chambers. "I've had this horn since I was child," Boromir blubbered. "Everything's gone wrong since I've gotten here. First that wretched ring calling to me, and then my poor horn -"
Elrond put his arm around Boromir's shoulders. "I know, I know," the Elf soothed. "You know, you remind me of someone I knew a long time ago."
Boromir sniffled. "I do?"
Elrond nodded. "Oh yes. You even look a bit like him, although I must say you are better endowed."
Boromir blushed. "Um, thank you."
"Anyway," Elrond continued as he opened the door to his chambers, "He was a lot like you. Strong, virile, somewhat psychotic from the powers of the Ring. And he used to make the most adorable face when he was tonguing my -"
The chamber door closed behind them.
**Back in the courtyard**
Frodo had returned from being sick. "All right," he muttered. "I am only going to say this once. We all have to go on this quest together, and I do NOT want to have to picture Merry and Gimli shagging EVER again. So if you have to do it on the journey, do it far away from me and NEVER mention it around me, understood?"
Merry shuddered again. "Don't worry, it's NEVER happening again. Bloody hell, I can't believe I was ever THAT drunk or horny."
Gimli looked hurt. "You used me?"
Pippin rolled his eyes, keeping a firm grip on Legolas' ass. "Well, duh."
Gimli's lip began to tremble. "Fine!" He shouted. "But you'll be coming back for more, I know it! Once you've had Dwarf - uh, you must have more Dwarf! Besides, you'll never find anyone who can match - these!" He tore open his shirt, revealing his massive hairy man boobs.
Frodo covered his eyes and screamed, "DAMN IT! WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?!" Legolas was whimpering and crushing Pippin against him, who was using the opportunity to fondle the Elf. Merry ran away screaming in terror.
Gimli hmphed. "I'll have you know that among Dwarves I am considered very sexy!"
"I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CAN NEVER BE HORNY AGAIN! AHHHH!!" Frodo ran off in the same direction as Merry.
Behind those remaining, Bilbo and Gandalf began cackling madly.
"Look at the boobs on that Dwarf!" Giggled Gandalf.
"They're so hairy! I wonder if his ass is hairy too?" chortled Bilbo. At the thought his eyes began to glaze over and his mouth watered. "Mmmm"
Gandalf whacked Bilbo upside the head with his staff. "Dude, you're sick!" He laughed.
Gimli blushed and pulled his shirt closed. "Like I would have you, you old pervert!"
Bilbo giggled. "Reconsider, baby. I've got the most well-seasoned sausage in the Shire."
Pippin made a face and said to Legolas, "Come on babe, let's go back to my room. You can braid my foot hair." Legolas squealed with joy and pranced after his Hobbit lover.
Gimli grumbled and stormed off to his room.
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: It occurred to me someone might be offended by some of the abusive or sexist type of language towards some characters, like how Pippin talks to Legolas, etc. I just want to say that I do not condone abuse towards anyone and it's all meant in jest. I am not implying anyone really gets off on being talked to and treated like these characters are. Please remember it's just a story and I mean no harm.
Also, this has gotten extremely slashy, I know. LOTR just does not have enough female characters :
Pippin watched Aragorn run off and raised a brow. "What's wrong with him?"
"Well, he found out recently that not only is his fiancée a tramp, but that she has a hairy ass and had sex with Bilbo," Frodo explained.
"Oh yeah, me and Merry overheard about that. Can't blame Bilbo though, these Elves are FANTASTIC shags!" He winked at Legolas, who giggled like a schoolgirl.
Gimli appeared, his helmet on backwards and his braids in wild disarray. He grinned in that 'just got some' way and waved. "Good evening, gentlemen."
"Hey, looks like you scored too," Pippin said. "Who's the lucky one?"
Gimli gestured behind him to Merry, who was stumbling his way towards them. His hair was full of leaves and his shirt was open. The Hobbit gave Gimli a wide berth, shuddering as he passed him.
"You shagged Gimli?" Frodo asked Merry incredulously.
Merry shuddered again. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Bah!" Gimli said. "He was certainly doing enough talking during it!" Gimli began to do an eerie imitation of Merry in the throes of passion "Oh yeah, bitch, bring those sexy man tits over here."
Aragorn, who had just come back from getting sick, ran off again. This time Frodo joined him.
**Meanwhile**
Arwen sat in Frodo's room, crying. "My baby doesn't love me!" She sobbed as she blew her nose loudly into what was supposed to have been Frodo's diaper. "Where have I gone wrong? I only wanted to be a good mother!"
The door creaked open and Lord Elrond poked his head in. "Arwen?"
"Oh, Daddy!" Arwen cried, pulling her father inside and throwing herself into his arms. "I knew you would come to comfort me!"
Elrond struggled in his daughter's vice-like grip. "Uh, actually, I was just coming to ask why Boromir is sitting in front of the door with his pants around his knees, rocking back and forth and muttering about your ass."
"Oh Daddy, it was terrible! I - I repulsed him, just like I repulse every man I meet!" She began to sob loudly and Elrond tried to back away so she wouldn't get his robes all wet.
"Well, I really can't deny that," Elrond muttered. "It really wasn't right of you to keep your - deformity - from Aragorn, either. I believe he intends to break off your engagement." He sighed. "Well, at least I have one grandchild. Where is Frodo, anyway?"
"He left me," Arwen sniffled. "I was just trying to diaper him after his bath and he said the most terrible things to me -"
"You were trying to WHAT?" Elrond groaned and shook his head. "All right, Arwen - I hate to say this about any child of mine - but you have gone completely nuts. I mean, for Valar's sake! Frodo's not a baby, and you have to stop treating him like one! You're just going to keep pushing him away by acting like this! You need to treat him like the adult he is!"
Arwen's face lit up as inspiration struck. Elrond muttered, "Oh shit," under his breath.
"You're right, Daddy! You're absolutely right!" She cried. "I have to accept he is an adult and find ways to gain his love by catering to his adult needs!"
"Uh, Arwen," Elrond began. "I know this is probably useless to say to you, but PLEASE don't do anything stupid."
Arwen wasn't listening. "Yes, that's exactly what I'll do! Frodo will know I recognize he is an adult and he will love me again!" She ran out of the room to set her plan in motion.
Elrond sighed and left the room, shutting the door behind him. He knelt down next to Boromir, who was still rocking back and forth and muttering.
~Come back to the light~ Elrond said into Boromir's mind. ~The ass is gone. It can bring you no harm. Come back to the light, and for Valar's sake pull up your pants! ~
Boromir snapped out of his trance and looked at Elrond, confused. "Wha - what happened?" He looked down at himself. "Why are my pants around my knees - MY HORN!" He held up the broken halves of his Horn of Gondor and began to sob.
Elrond patted the Man's shoulder soothingly. "Now, now. We'll fix your horn." He helped Boromir to his feet and turned away so Boromir could pull up his pants - after taking a quick look at what the Man of Gondor had to offer.
Boromir let Elrond lead him down the corridor towards the Elf Lord's chambers. "I've had this horn since I was child," Boromir blubbered. "Everything's gone wrong since I've gotten here. First that wretched ring calling to me, and then my poor horn -"
Elrond put his arm around Boromir's shoulders. "I know, I know," the Elf soothed. "You know, you remind me of someone I knew a long time ago."
Boromir sniffled. "I do?"
Elrond nodded. "Oh yes. You even look a bit like him, although I must say you are better endowed."
Boromir blushed. "Um, thank you."
"Anyway," Elrond continued as he opened the door to his chambers, "He was a lot like you. Strong, virile, somewhat psychotic from the powers of the Ring. And he used to make the most adorable face when he was tonguing my -"
The chamber door closed behind them.
**Back in the courtyard**
Frodo had returned from being sick. "All right," he muttered. "I am only going to say this once. We all have to go on this quest together, and I do NOT want to have to picture Merry and Gimli shagging EVER again. So if you have to do it on the journey, do it far away from me and NEVER mention it around me, understood?"
Merry shuddered again. "Don't worry, it's NEVER happening again. Bloody hell, I can't believe I was ever THAT drunk or horny."
Gimli looked hurt. "You used me?"
Pippin rolled his eyes, keeping a firm grip on Legolas' ass. "Well, duh."
Gimli's lip began to tremble. "Fine!" He shouted. "But you'll be coming back for more, I know it! Once you've had Dwarf - uh, you must have more Dwarf! Besides, you'll never find anyone who can match - these!" He tore open his shirt, revealing his massive hairy man boobs.
Frodo covered his eyes and screamed, "DAMN IT! WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?!" Legolas was whimpering and crushing Pippin against him, who was using the opportunity to fondle the Elf. Merry ran away screaming in terror.
Gimli hmphed. "I'll have you know that among Dwarves I am considered very sexy!"
"I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CAN NEVER BE HORNY AGAIN! AHHHH!!" Frodo ran off in the same direction as Merry.
Behind those remaining, Bilbo and Gandalf began cackling madly.
"Look at the boobs on that Dwarf!" Giggled Gandalf.
"They're so hairy! I wonder if his ass is hairy too?" chortled Bilbo. At the thought his eyes began to glaze over and his mouth watered. "Mmmm"
Gandalf whacked Bilbo upside the head with his staff. "Dude, you're sick!" He laughed.
Gimli blushed and pulled his shirt closed. "Like I would have you, you old pervert!"
Bilbo giggled. "Reconsider, baby. I've got the most well-seasoned sausage in the Shire."
Pippin made a face and said to Legolas, "Come on babe, let's go back to my room. You can braid my foot hair." Legolas squealed with joy and pranced after his Hobbit lover.
Gimli grumbled and stormed off to his room.