Title: Bilbo's Love Child 6/?
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: I just wanted to say that I do not condone unprotected casual sex, and I am being sarcastic when I'm talking about it with Frodo below.
After Frodo and Merry had worn themselves out running from the horror that was Gimli's man boobs, the two flopped down in the grass by a stream. It was late at night, and the stars shown brightly in the sky.
"So, Frodo," Merry said as he picked one of Gimli's hairs out from between his teeth, "How you been taking the news about your real parents?"
Frodo sighed. "Oh, it's grand. My mother is a neurotic freak and my father is a nasty perverted hairy ass fancier."
"Well, you already knew all that about Bilbo." Merry pointed out.
"True. I don't know, I was happy to know at first but now it just kind of sucks. But Arwen was pretty upset with me earlier, maybe she'll disown me or something." Frodo sounded hopeful but not terribly optimistic.
"Well, soon we'll be off on the quest and she can't bother you anymore," Merry said. Frodo was about to respond when a familiar voice tore the air.
"Frodo! Frodo, my darling! Mommy has a surprise for you!"
Frodo groaned. "Oh no."
Merry's eyes got big. "I'm outta here." He darted away before Frodo could protest.
"Some friend you are," Frodo muttered as he rose to his feet. He trudged resignedly in the direction of his mother's voice.
"Oh there you are, my darling! " Arwen exclaimed. "Come with me, I've got a BIG surprise for you!" Without waiting for an answer she grabbed ahold of Frodo's arm and dragged him along.
Frodo grew increasingly nervous as he saw that he was being dragged towards the bathhouse. Horrible images of bubble bath and so many bath toys he would hardly be able to fit in the tub filled his mind. Including a thorough scrubbing from his mother, who would no doubt prattle on about what a 'big boy' he was becoming.
"All right, now close your eyes Frodo! We don't want to spoil the surprise!"
"Wouldn't want that," Frodo muttered as he closed his eyes.
Arwen led him into the bathhouse. Frodo let out a deep breath as he steeled himself for the humiliation to come. "All right darling, open your eyes!"
Frodo decided it was just best to open them fast and get it over with. When he did, his breath caught in his throat.
The room had been lavishly decorated with large pillows and cushions, and the giant bath that took up most of the room had thousands of fragrant petals floating in it. A huge buffet had been set out. And - there were a few dozen Elves, both male and female - all wearing very little.
Arwen smiled nervously as she waited to see how her son liked his present. "I wasn't sure if you liked boys or girls, so I got both. We can have anyone leave that you don't -"
"YAAAAAAAHOOOOOO!!"
Arwen looked with surprise at the pile of Hobbit clothing that was now piled next to her. She caught a blur of naked Hobbit streaking towards the pool and stepped back to avoid being splashed as Frodo did a cannonball into the water.
Frodo surfaced and yelled, "Everybody into the pool!"
All over the room Elves cheered, stripped and jumped in. There was much splashing and before too long other sounds that proved Frodo was indeed enjoying his mother's present.
Arwen sighed happily and left her darling son to his orgy, murmuring, "He loves me again! I knew I was a good mother!"
**Meanwhile**
Elrond sat up in bed as his sensitive Elven hearing picked up the unmistakable sounds of pleasure. He nudged at the Man next to him, who was sleeping and clutching his newly repaired Horn of Gondor.
"Boromir, wake up!" Elrond whispered. Boromir just snorted in his sleep and rolled over. Elrond sighed and pushed the man hard with his foot, knocking him onto the hard floor.
"Ow!" Yelled Boromir. "Watch it! You nearly broke my Horn again!"
"Quiet!" Elrond hissed as he tilted his head to listen again. "I hear - sounds of pleasure - many people - and splashing."
The Elf and the Man met each other's eyes and yelled at the same time, "ORGY IN THE BATHHOUSE!!" They both jumped out of bed and hastily dressed, not realizing they had accidentally put on each other's clothing. They ran out into the hallway, eager to join the fun, and ran into Arwen.
Arwen stared at Boromir wearing her father's robes, and Elrond wearing Boromir's armor. "Having a pleasant evening, father?" She asked sweetly.
Elrond and Boromir hopped from one foot to the other like a pair of children needing to go to the bathroom. "Yes, yes, now get out of the way! We're missing the orgy!" Elrond whined.
Arwen put her hands on her hips. "Oooh no! That is a private orgy I organized for my darling son and you will NOT ruin it!"
Boromir began to whine as well. "Awwww, but -"
"NO!"
Boromir burst into tears. Elrond glared at his daughter as he held the Man and tried to comfort him. "There, there, Boromir. I'll tell you what, when you come back from the quest I'll organize the biggest orgy you've ever seen. How about that?"
Boromir sniffled and looked at Elrond. "Promise?"
The Elf Lord smiled and nodded. "Promise."
Boromir began to cry again, this time in joy, as he hugged Elrond tightly. "I love you, man!"
Elrond winced at the Man's vicelike grip. "I'm not blowing your Horn of Gondor again."
**
Frodo's night of debauchery wore on. Lewdness reigned supreme and the room was hot from all the heavy breathing going on. Frodo was floating serenely on a raft of two busty Elven maidens and basking in the afterglow that only comes from unsafe sex with many anonymous partners. He cracked an eye open lazily as he heard a familiar voice.
"Have you ever had a prostate exam? It's very important, you know. I know you Elves are immortal and all, but one must never take any chances with their health -"
Frodo saw Sam sitting on a bench near the far end of the pool. The gardener, being modest, was wearing his pants still and his shirt was partially open. He was sitting between two male Elves, who were staring at him curiously.
"Goodness, it's mighty hot in here, isn't it?" Sam asked his companions. "It really isn't good for you to stay in such a moist heat for too long, it's bad for your skin."
"Sam, what are you doing in here?" Frodo asked.
Sam jumped to his feet, looking at his master with a mixture of guilt and indignation. "Well, I did not mean to interrupt, you having so much fun bonking all these Elves and all, but - well damn it, I want some action too, and I mean to get some! Just because I'm not as fair as you doesn't mean I don't need to get my waffle battered now and then, and -"
"Sam, relax," Frodo laughed. "I don't mind sharing, there's plenty to go around. Have fun, my friend."
Sam grinned and flopped back down next to his companions. "As I was saying, keeping healthy is very important, and I happen to be experienced with giving physicals, so if any of you would like to join me in the bushes outside -"
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: I just wanted to say that I do not condone unprotected casual sex, and I am being sarcastic when I'm talking about it with Frodo below.
After Frodo and Merry had worn themselves out running from the horror that was Gimli's man boobs, the two flopped down in the grass by a stream. It was late at night, and the stars shown brightly in the sky.
"So, Frodo," Merry said as he picked one of Gimli's hairs out from between his teeth, "How you been taking the news about your real parents?"
Frodo sighed. "Oh, it's grand. My mother is a neurotic freak and my father is a nasty perverted hairy ass fancier."
"Well, you already knew all that about Bilbo." Merry pointed out.
"True. I don't know, I was happy to know at first but now it just kind of sucks. But Arwen was pretty upset with me earlier, maybe she'll disown me or something." Frodo sounded hopeful but not terribly optimistic.
"Well, soon we'll be off on the quest and she can't bother you anymore," Merry said. Frodo was about to respond when a familiar voice tore the air.
"Frodo! Frodo, my darling! Mommy has a surprise for you!"
Frodo groaned. "Oh no."
Merry's eyes got big. "I'm outta here." He darted away before Frodo could protest.
"Some friend you are," Frodo muttered as he rose to his feet. He trudged resignedly in the direction of his mother's voice.
"Oh there you are, my darling! " Arwen exclaimed. "Come with me, I've got a BIG surprise for you!" Without waiting for an answer she grabbed ahold of Frodo's arm and dragged him along.
Frodo grew increasingly nervous as he saw that he was being dragged towards the bathhouse. Horrible images of bubble bath and so many bath toys he would hardly be able to fit in the tub filled his mind. Including a thorough scrubbing from his mother, who would no doubt prattle on about what a 'big boy' he was becoming.
"All right, now close your eyes Frodo! We don't want to spoil the surprise!"
"Wouldn't want that," Frodo muttered as he closed his eyes.
Arwen led him into the bathhouse. Frodo let out a deep breath as he steeled himself for the humiliation to come. "All right darling, open your eyes!"
Frodo decided it was just best to open them fast and get it over with. When he did, his breath caught in his throat.
The room had been lavishly decorated with large pillows and cushions, and the giant bath that took up most of the room had thousands of fragrant petals floating in it. A huge buffet had been set out. And - there were a few dozen Elves, both male and female - all wearing very little.
Arwen smiled nervously as she waited to see how her son liked his present. "I wasn't sure if you liked boys or girls, so I got both. We can have anyone leave that you don't -"
"YAAAAAAAHOOOOOO!!"
Arwen looked with surprise at the pile of Hobbit clothing that was now piled next to her. She caught a blur of naked Hobbit streaking towards the pool and stepped back to avoid being splashed as Frodo did a cannonball into the water.
Frodo surfaced and yelled, "Everybody into the pool!"
All over the room Elves cheered, stripped and jumped in. There was much splashing and before too long other sounds that proved Frodo was indeed enjoying his mother's present.
Arwen sighed happily and left her darling son to his orgy, murmuring, "He loves me again! I knew I was a good mother!"
**Meanwhile**
Elrond sat up in bed as his sensitive Elven hearing picked up the unmistakable sounds of pleasure. He nudged at the Man next to him, who was sleeping and clutching his newly repaired Horn of Gondor.
"Boromir, wake up!" Elrond whispered. Boromir just snorted in his sleep and rolled over. Elrond sighed and pushed the man hard with his foot, knocking him onto the hard floor.
"Ow!" Yelled Boromir. "Watch it! You nearly broke my Horn again!"
"Quiet!" Elrond hissed as he tilted his head to listen again. "I hear - sounds of pleasure - many people - and splashing."
The Elf and the Man met each other's eyes and yelled at the same time, "ORGY IN THE BATHHOUSE!!" They both jumped out of bed and hastily dressed, not realizing they had accidentally put on each other's clothing. They ran out into the hallway, eager to join the fun, and ran into Arwen.
Arwen stared at Boromir wearing her father's robes, and Elrond wearing Boromir's armor. "Having a pleasant evening, father?" She asked sweetly.
Elrond and Boromir hopped from one foot to the other like a pair of children needing to go to the bathroom. "Yes, yes, now get out of the way! We're missing the orgy!" Elrond whined.
Arwen put her hands on her hips. "Oooh no! That is a private orgy I organized for my darling son and you will NOT ruin it!"
Boromir began to whine as well. "Awwww, but -"
"NO!"
Boromir burst into tears. Elrond glared at his daughter as he held the Man and tried to comfort him. "There, there, Boromir. I'll tell you what, when you come back from the quest I'll organize the biggest orgy you've ever seen. How about that?"
Boromir sniffled and looked at Elrond. "Promise?"
The Elf Lord smiled and nodded. "Promise."
Boromir began to cry again, this time in joy, as he hugged Elrond tightly. "I love you, man!"
Elrond winced at the Man's vicelike grip. "I'm not blowing your Horn of Gondor again."
**
Frodo's night of debauchery wore on. Lewdness reigned supreme and the room was hot from all the heavy breathing going on. Frodo was floating serenely on a raft of two busty Elven maidens and basking in the afterglow that only comes from unsafe sex with many anonymous partners. He cracked an eye open lazily as he heard a familiar voice.
"Have you ever had a prostate exam? It's very important, you know. I know you Elves are immortal and all, but one must never take any chances with their health -"
Frodo saw Sam sitting on a bench near the far end of the pool. The gardener, being modest, was wearing his pants still and his shirt was partially open. He was sitting between two male Elves, who were staring at him curiously.
"Goodness, it's mighty hot in here, isn't it?" Sam asked his companions. "It really isn't good for you to stay in such a moist heat for too long, it's bad for your skin."
"Sam, what are you doing in here?" Frodo asked.
Sam jumped to his feet, looking at his master with a mixture of guilt and indignation. "Well, I did not mean to interrupt, you having so much fun bonking all these Elves and all, but - well damn it, I want some action too, and I mean to get some! Just because I'm not as fair as you doesn't mean I don't need to get my waffle battered now and then, and -"
"Sam, relax," Frodo laughed. "I don't mind sharing, there's plenty to go around. Have fun, my friend."
Sam grinned and flopped back down next to his companions. "As I was saying, keeping healthy is very important, and I happen to be experienced with giving physicals, so if any of you would like to join me in the bushes outside -"