Title: Bilbo's Love Child 7/?
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: Kind of a short chapter. I'm going to be winding this up soon, I hope you've enjoyed it. Check out my other fics if you're not too traumatized already.
**The next morning**
A lot of people rose late the next morning. Frodo was exhausted and sore from his orgy, Elrond and Boromir had sat up all night reminiscing about their pass conquests - they found out they'd both shagged Haldir and had a good laugh about that while comparing notes - and Merry had spent most of the night pulling Gimli's hair out of places of his body he didn't even know hair could get stuck in.
Pippin, Legolas, and Arwen all slept well. Aragorn slept well too, as he'd passed out after puking repeatedly the day before and had been out for over 12 hours. However, waking up in a puddle of his own sick kind of killed his outlook on the day. Sam had fallen asleep in the bushes where he had been playing 'doctor' with some Elves the previous evening and woke up well rested - with a very sore bottom.
And Gimli. Poor, poor Gimli. He was still hurting from Merry's rejection. He now stood naked in his room, looking at himself.
"Don't see what's so bad about me," Gimli grumbled. "I'm the very model of a male Dwarf! Strong, brave,chubby, and hairy!" He ran his hands through the thick hair on his chest. "And I condition this twice a week!"
The door suddenly opened. "Master Dwarf, I just wanted to remind you of the meeting for the Fellowship later - AHHHHH I'M BLIND!!"
Gimli snorted and put his hands on his hips as he glared at one of Elrond's twin sons - he couldn't tell which one, them being twins and all - and stalked towards the shivering dark-haired Elf.
"Sure, you act all repulsed, but I know the truth!" Gimli bellowed. "You want me! They ALL want me! And you know why? Because I'M DEAD SEXY! Oh yeah!" He licked his index fingers and lewdly rubbed his hairy nipples. "Don't tell me you don't want a piece of this!"
Elrond's son stared in utter horror for a long moment before running out of the room screaming.
Gimli ran out into the hallway and yelled after him, "You'll be back! You know you want to ride the Moria Express!" He made a crude gesture with his hips and stalked back into his room.
**Later that same day**
The Fellowship was gathered for their meeting with Elrond. Pippin was sitting on Legolas' lap, Sam was sitting on a foam cushion for his sore bottom, Merry was sitting as far away as possible from Gimli, and Aragorn smelled funny, as it wasn't his time of the month to bathe. The others just sat around looking bored.
Elrond walked in and took a seat. "Thank you for coming, sorry I was late. One of my sons - I think it was Elladan but I can't be sure - just told me he had turned straight due to a traumatic experience that, as he said, 'has put him off of males for life'. Well, at least there's a chance for more grandchildren!" He grinned and rubbed his hands together. "Now, down to business. Tomorrow you leave on your quest."
Everyone groaned in unison. "I know, but you've been here long enough. We really should be destroying this evil ring, instead of spending weeks just laying around and getting off like we have been," Elrond explained.
Aragorn blinked. "People have been getting off?"
Everyone else rolled their eyes.
"Um, Grandpa, err, Elrond?" Frodo asked.
"Yes, Frodo?"
Frodo blushed. "Uh, I - seem to have lost the Ring."
"WHAT?" Everyone else shouted.
"I lost it sometime during the party last night," Frodo stammered. "I figure it's either in the pool somewhere or -" He swallowed hard. "Uh, stuck in - somebody."
Sam snickered behind his hand, and Frodo glared. "I can't help it if the Ring makes a great sex toy!"
Merry winced. "Too much information."
Aragorn looked fascinated. "A sex toy, really?"
Elrond held up his hands. "We must find the ring! I will have someone search the pool. Frodo, we must summon everyone you were intimate with last night and search them thoroughly."
Sam ooohed. "I can help search them! I'm an expert!" He pulled a pair of rubber gloves out of his pocket and put them on. "Line 'em up!"
And so, Sam spent a lovely day searching body cavities for the Ring - the other searchers found the Ring at the bottom of the pool, but Sam still insisted on inspecting everyone anyway - just in case. Gandalf watched and wrote down the names of any Elves with hairy asses to present to Bilbo.
While Sam finished his inspections, Frodo sat on Grandpa's knee and explained to him and a very interested Aragorn just how the Ring could be used in intimate situations. For once Aragorn didn't puke.
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: Kind of a short chapter. I'm going to be winding this up soon, I hope you've enjoyed it. Check out my other fics if you're not too traumatized already.
**The next morning**
A lot of people rose late the next morning. Frodo was exhausted and sore from his orgy, Elrond and Boromir had sat up all night reminiscing about their pass conquests - they found out they'd both shagged Haldir and had a good laugh about that while comparing notes - and Merry had spent most of the night pulling Gimli's hair out of places of his body he didn't even know hair could get stuck in.
Pippin, Legolas, and Arwen all slept well. Aragorn slept well too, as he'd passed out after puking repeatedly the day before and had been out for over 12 hours. However, waking up in a puddle of his own sick kind of killed his outlook on the day. Sam had fallen asleep in the bushes where he had been playing 'doctor' with some Elves the previous evening and woke up well rested - with a very sore bottom.
And Gimli. Poor, poor Gimli. He was still hurting from Merry's rejection. He now stood naked in his room, looking at himself.
"Don't see what's so bad about me," Gimli grumbled. "I'm the very model of a male Dwarf! Strong, brave,chubby, and hairy!" He ran his hands through the thick hair on his chest. "And I condition this twice a week!"
The door suddenly opened. "Master Dwarf, I just wanted to remind you of the meeting for the Fellowship later - AHHHHH I'M BLIND!!"
Gimli snorted and put his hands on his hips as he glared at one of Elrond's twin sons - he couldn't tell which one, them being twins and all - and stalked towards the shivering dark-haired Elf.
"Sure, you act all repulsed, but I know the truth!" Gimli bellowed. "You want me! They ALL want me! And you know why? Because I'M DEAD SEXY! Oh yeah!" He licked his index fingers and lewdly rubbed his hairy nipples. "Don't tell me you don't want a piece of this!"
Elrond's son stared in utter horror for a long moment before running out of the room screaming.
Gimli ran out into the hallway and yelled after him, "You'll be back! You know you want to ride the Moria Express!" He made a crude gesture with his hips and stalked back into his room.
**Later that same day**
The Fellowship was gathered for their meeting with Elrond. Pippin was sitting on Legolas' lap, Sam was sitting on a foam cushion for his sore bottom, Merry was sitting as far away as possible from Gimli, and Aragorn smelled funny, as it wasn't his time of the month to bathe. The others just sat around looking bored.
Elrond walked in and took a seat. "Thank you for coming, sorry I was late. One of my sons - I think it was Elladan but I can't be sure - just told me he had turned straight due to a traumatic experience that, as he said, 'has put him off of males for life'. Well, at least there's a chance for more grandchildren!" He grinned and rubbed his hands together. "Now, down to business. Tomorrow you leave on your quest."
Everyone groaned in unison. "I know, but you've been here long enough. We really should be destroying this evil ring, instead of spending weeks just laying around and getting off like we have been," Elrond explained.
Aragorn blinked. "People have been getting off?"
Everyone else rolled their eyes.
"Um, Grandpa, err, Elrond?" Frodo asked.
"Yes, Frodo?"
Frodo blushed. "Uh, I - seem to have lost the Ring."
"WHAT?" Everyone else shouted.
"I lost it sometime during the party last night," Frodo stammered. "I figure it's either in the pool somewhere or -" He swallowed hard. "Uh, stuck in - somebody."
Sam snickered behind his hand, and Frodo glared. "I can't help it if the Ring makes a great sex toy!"
Merry winced. "Too much information."
Aragorn looked fascinated. "A sex toy, really?"
Elrond held up his hands. "We must find the ring! I will have someone search the pool. Frodo, we must summon everyone you were intimate with last night and search them thoroughly."
Sam ooohed. "I can help search them! I'm an expert!" He pulled a pair of rubber gloves out of his pocket and put them on. "Line 'em up!"
And so, Sam spent a lovely day searching body cavities for the Ring - the other searchers found the Ring at the bottom of the pool, but Sam still insisted on inspecting everyone anyway - just in case. Gandalf watched and wrote down the names of any Elves with hairy asses to present to Bilbo.
While Sam finished his inspections, Frodo sat on Grandpa's knee and explained to him and a very interested Aragorn just how the Ring could be used in intimate situations. For once Aragorn didn't puke.