Title: Bilbo's Love Child 8/?
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: I've altered this chapter because I decided that rather than end this story I'll add on to it to show what happens during the quest. I wasn't really happy about how I ended this originally so I'm going to give this thing another shot. Thanks to everyone who reviewed this story, and I hope you enjoy the continuation I will be starting soon.
Special message to GreyLadyBast: LOL, sorry, I didn't write an NC-17 version. If you'd like to see a possible sexual use for the Ring though, check out this story if you haven't already: Business At the Prancing Pony, by Poncing Ponies.
Relieved that the Ring had been found, the Fellowship decided to spend the rest of the day relaxing before they left on their quest the next morning. Boromir, Elrond, Frodo, and Merry had all decided to go get some more sleep. Legolas was showing Pippin an interesting new use for lembas. Gandalf was snatching Bilbo's 'special weed' stash while Bilbo was making a round of the names Gandalf had provided from the earlier inspection of the orgy Elves. Gimli was sitting in his room hatching a plot to get Merry to want him again, and Sam was spending some quality time playing doctor with some Elves his companions from the previous evening had set him up with.
Aragorn however, had a daunting task ahead of him. He walked resolutely to Arwen's chambers and knocked on the door.
"Oh, hello darling!" Arwen trilled as she opened the door. "Isn't it a lovely day? I made Frodo so happy last night! I just knew I could be a good mother - "
"Arwen, we need to talk," Aragorn said firmly as he stepped inside. "I - I can't go through with this engagement."
Arwen's lip began to tremble. "Why not?"
Aragorn threw his hands up. "Well let's see," he said sarcastically. "You had a child with a perverted old Hobbit, you neglected to tell me about your little 'deformity' - and let's not forget about the fact that you were going to shag Boromir!"
"I just got caught up in the moment is all!" Arwen cried. "His sweet words so enchanted me I could not contain myself."
Aragorn said through clenched teeth, "Arwen, you - are - a - SLUT!"
Arwen burst into tears. "Why do you speak so cruelly to me? Sure, I was going to sleep with Boromir, sure, when you're away I visit the lonely troops near the border and we have a little gang - uh" Arwen bit her lip. "I suppose I can't convince you to pretend you didn't hear that, can I?"
Aragorn shook his head. He gave her a last disgusted look and walked out the door.
Arwen sank down onto her bed and sobbed. "Oh, why is life so cruel?" She cried.
**
Bilbo trudged down the corridor, feeling in a rather foul mood. Not ONE Elf on the list Gandalf gave him wanted to fool around. They just weren't attracted to someone who didn't have an evil ring to use to perform naughty sexual things on them with. Even telling them he was Frodo's father didn't help. Didn't those foolish Elves realize that Frodo had inherited his massive sexual prowess from HIM?
"Blasted Elves," Bilbo muttered as he kept walking. He stopped outside a partially open door as he heard sobbing inside. He peeked through the crack and saw Arwen sitting on her bed, crying.
Bilbo thought for a moment and grinned as inspiration struck. He slowly opened the door and stepped inside. "Arwen?"
She immediately was on him, kneeling before him and clutching onto him as she cried and babbled incoherently. Bilbo sighed and patted her on the shoulder.
"Don't cry, you stupid bitch," Bilbo soothed.
Arwen sniffled. "Aragorn - broke up with me, and - he - he said I was a slut!" She began to sob again.
Bilbo patted her again. "Well, you are, dear. And I mighty big one I must say. It's a shame that he can't appreciate that about you like I do."
Arwen gazed at him, sapphire eyes sparkling. "You - you do?"
"Of course!" Bilbo said. "How many women would screw a man they'd met 5 minutes ago on the forest floor, in front of a group of passing hunters?"
Arwen blinked. "There were hunters?"
"That's not the point. The point is, you are the biggest tramp I have ever met, and I love that about you!" Bilbo grinned, hoping this was working as he'd planned.
Arwen's expression went all dreamy. "You really mean it?"
"Of course I do! Why, I would be honored if you would choose to favor me with your womanly charms again!" Bilbo discreetly unfastened his pants as he awaited Arwen's expected reaction.
He was not disappointed. "Oh, Bilbo!" Arwen cried, clutching her hands to her bosom. "You are as much of a gentleman as you were all those years ago! Yes, yes, let us lose ourselves in passion!"
Bilbo grinned. "Okay baby, just like last time. Hurry up and cover your head! And remember, don't talk or move!"
Arwen sighed happily and fluttered her eyelashes as she locked the door and assumed the position.
**The next day**
It was time for the Fellowship to depart Rivendell. Arwen, Bilbo and Elrond had come to bid them farewell, as well as Arwen's brothers - though one of them stared studiously away from Gimli and shuddered whenever he heard the Dwarf's voice.
"Now, are you sure you have everything, dear?" Arwen fussed as she went through Frodo's backpack.
Frodo chuckled, "Yes Mother, I think I have everything." He'd been given enough pairs of underwear to clothe the entire fellowship for a year. Although he did appreciate the strawberry flavored lubricant she'd also included in her little 'care package'.
Elrond and Boromir shook hands. "Remember, you owe me an orgy," Boromir said into his ear. Elrond smiled and nodded, making a crude gesture with his hands that simulated intercourse. The two men laughed. Behind them, Bilbo and Gandalf were arguing.
"You stole it, I know it!" Bilbo yelled.
Gandalf raised an eyebrow as he took a casual puff of his pipe. "I'd like to see you prove it."
"Of course you stole my special stash, you're smoking it right now you idiot!"
Gandalf took his pipe out of his mouth and stared at it. "Oh, you're right. I probably should have waited to light up until we left Rivendell, huh?"
While the two continued to fight, Sam was saying a tearful goodbye to all his new Elven friends, promising he'd return after the quest was over and make sure they all got thorough 'examinations'. Frodo gladly received good- bye kisses from his orgy partners while his mother looked on, beaming at her son's happiness. Legolas and Pippin were holding each other and discussing names for their children while Aragorn stared at the Ring around Frodo's neck and pondered about the sexual properties of it that he had heard about last night.
Only Gimli and Merry were silent, standing as far apart from each other as possible. Merry finally sighed and walked over to Gimli.
"Look," Merry began, "I'm sorry if I upset you. I was really horny and desperate - " He winced at the glare he got from the Dwarf. "I used you, and that was wrong. I'm sorry."
Gimli contemplated this for a few moments before breakng out into a huge grin. "I knew it!" the Dwarf bellowed victoriously. "I knew you'd be coming back for more! Come and get it, baby!" Gimli tore off his armor and stood in all his hairy glory.
Merry groaned and walked away muttering, "This is going to be a LONG journey."
And so, the Fellowship left on their quest to destroy the Ring. It got off to a bad start, as Gandalf was so high he told Frodo to go the wrong way and they ended up having to backtrack. But soon, they were headed in the right direction.
And so the next part of our journey begins.
Author: Ahlmora (ahlmora@yahoo.com)
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual themes, language, fetish, general stupidity, slash
Archive: You're welcome to it, just ask first
Summary: When Bilbo and Frodo meet in Rivendell during FOTR, Bilbo reveals a shocking secret.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm not making any money off of them. I just like to do really bizarre things with them.
A/N: I've altered this chapter because I decided that rather than end this story I'll add on to it to show what happens during the quest. I wasn't really happy about how I ended this originally so I'm going to give this thing another shot. Thanks to everyone who reviewed this story, and I hope you enjoy the continuation I will be starting soon.
Special message to GreyLadyBast: LOL, sorry, I didn't write an NC-17 version. If you'd like to see a possible sexual use for the Ring though, check out this story if you haven't already: Business At the Prancing Pony, by Poncing Ponies.
Relieved that the Ring had been found, the Fellowship decided to spend the rest of the day relaxing before they left on their quest the next morning. Boromir, Elrond, Frodo, and Merry had all decided to go get some more sleep. Legolas was showing Pippin an interesting new use for lembas. Gandalf was snatching Bilbo's 'special weed' stash while Bilbo was making a round of the names Gandalf had provided from the earlier inspection of the orgy Elves. Gimli was sitting in his room hatching a plot to get Merry to want him again, and Sam was spending some quality time playing doctor with some Elves his companions from the previous evening had set him up with.
Aragorn however, had a daunting task ahead of him. He walked resolutely to Arwen's chambers and knocked on the door.
"Oh, hello darling!" Arwen trilled as she opened the door. "Isn't it a lovely day? I made Frodo so happy last night! I just knew I could be a good mother - "
"Arwen, we need to talk," Aragorn said firmly as he stepped inside. "I - I can't go through with this engagement."
Arwen's lip began to tremble. "Why not?"
Aragorn threw his hands up. "Well let's see," he said sarcastically. "You had a child with a perverted old Hobbit, you neglected to tell me about your little 'deformity' - and let's not forget about the fact that you were going to shag Boromir!"
"I just got caught up in the moment is all!" Arwen cried. "His sweet words so enchanted me I could not contain myself."
Aragorn said through clenched teeth, "Arwen, you - are - a - SLUT!"
Arwen burst into tears. "Why do you speak so cruelly to me? Sure, I was going to sleep with Boromir, sure, when you're away I visit the lonely troops near the border and we have a little gang - uh" Arwen bit her lip. "I suppose I can't convince you to pretend you didn't hear that, can I?"
Aragorn shook his head. He gave her a last disgusted look and walked out the door.
Arwen sank down onto her bed and sobbed. "Oh, why is life so cruel?" She cried.
**
Bilbo trudged down the corridor, feeling in a rather foul mood. Not ONE Elf on the list Gandalf gave him wanted to fool around. They just weren't attracted to someone who didn't have an evil ring to use to perform naughty sexual things on them with. Even telling them he was Frodo's father didn't help. Didn't those foolish Elves realize that Frodo had inherited his massive sexual prowess from HIM?
"Blasted Elves," Bilbo muttered as he kept walking. He stopped outside a partially open door as he heard sobbing inside. He peeked through the crack and saw Arwen sitting on her bed, crying.
Bilbo thought for a moment and grinned as inspiration struck. He slowly opened the door and stepped inside. "Arwen?"
She immediately was on him, kneeling before him and clutching onto him as she cried and babbled incoherently. Bilbo sighed and patted her on the shoulder.
"Don't cry, you stupid bitch," Bilbo soothed.
Arwen sniffled. "Aragorn - broke up with me, and - he - he said I was a slut!" She began to sob again.
Bilbo patted her again. "Well, you are, dear. And I mighty big one I must say. It's a shame that he can't appreciate that about you like I do."
Arwen gazed at him, sapphire eyes sparkling. "You - you do?"
"Of course!" Bilbo said. "How many women would screw a man they'd met 5 minutes ago on the forest floor, in front of a group of passing hunters?"
Arwen blinked. "There were hunters?"
"That's not the point. The point is, you are the biggest tramp I have ever met, and I love that about you!" Bilbo grinned, hoping this was working as he'd planned.
Arwen's expression went all dreamy. "You really mean it?"
"Of course I do! Why, I would be honored if you would choose to favor me with your womanly charms again!" Bilbo discreetly unfastened his pants as he awaited Arwen's expected reaction.
He was not disappointed. "Oh, Bilbo!" Arwen cried, clutching her hands to her bosom. "You are as much of a gentleman as you were all those years ago! Yes, yes, let us lose ourselves in passion!"
Bilbo grinned. "Okay baby, just like last time. Hurry up and cover your head! And remember, don't talk or move!"
Arwen sighed happily and fluttered her eyelashes as she locked the door and assumed the position.
**The next day**
It was time for the Fellowship to depart Rivendell. Arwen, Bilbo and Elrond had come to bid them farewell, as well as Arwen's brothers - though one of them stared studiously away from Gimli and shuddered whenever he heard the Dwarf's voice.
"Now, are you sure you have everything, dear?" Arwen fussed as she went through Frodo's backpack.
Frodo chuckled, "Yes Mother, I think I have everything." He'd been given enough pairs of underwear to clothe the entire fellowship for a year. Although he did appreciate the strawberry flavored lubricant she'd also included in her little 'care package'.
Elrond and Boromir shook hands. "Remember, you owe me an orgy," Boromir said into his ear. Elrond smiled and nodded, making a crude gesture with his hands that simulated intercourse. The two men laughed. Behind them, Bilbo and Gandalf were arguing.
"You stole it, I know it!" Bilbo yelled.
Gandalf raised an eyebrow as he took a casual puff of his pipe. "I'd like to see you prove it."
"Of course you stole my special stash, you're smoking it right now you idiot!"
Gandalf took his pipe out of his mouth and stared at it. "Oh, you're right. I probably should have waited to light up until we left Rivendell, huh?"
While the two continued to fight, Sam was saying a tearful goodbye to all his new Elven friends, promising he'd return after the quest was over and make sure they all got thorough 'examinations'. Frodo gladly received good- bye kisses from his orgy partners while his mother looked on, beaming at her son's happiness. Legolas and Pippin were holding each other and discussing names for their children while Aragorn stared at the Ring around Frodo's neck and pondered about the sexual properties of it that he had heard about last night.
Only Gimli and Merry were silent, standing as far apart from each other as possible. Merry finally sighed and walked over to Gimli.
"Look," Merry began, "I'm sorry if I upset you. I was really horny and desperate - " He winced at the glare he got from the Dwarf. "I used you, and that was wrong. I'm sorry."
Gimli contemplated this for a few moments before breakng out into a huge grin. "I knew it!" the Dwarf bellowed victoriously. "I knew you'd be coming back for more! Come and get it, baby!" Gimli tore off his armor and stood in all his hairy glory.
Merry groaned and walked away muttering, "This is going to be a LONG journey."
And so, the Fellowship left on their quest to destroy the Ring. It got off to a bad start, as Gandalf was so high he told Frodo to go the wrong way and they ended up having to backtrack. But soon, they were headed in the right direction.
And so the next part of our journey begins.