Once upon a time, in a far off mountain region of Nosgoth, there existed a
tribe known as the Revioli. These were a peaceful tribe, although slightly
neurotic because of the fact that their name sounded very similar to an
Italian pasta dish. Anyway, through the centuries, the men toiled in the
fields, the women toiled on the farms, the children hid in the woods to
avoid the sheer amount of toil going on, and the others toiled in the
library to work out who they were if not men, women or children. Eventually
they discovered they were psychiatrists, which was just as well, because by
this time they needed the therapy.
So, for centuries the Revioli existed in peace, until one day, the tribe leader, a man named Te-shoic (translation: Man who has no purpose in the story other than to perform one action that will wreck his tribe) discovered a large metal box with a button on it, and a lebel saying "Please do not push this button". Te-shoic was a curious man, and egged on by his friends Gaz-kan (trans: Man who juggles chickens when bored), Tey'shain (trans: Woman who once rode a horse to the chemists and back), Sahshasha (trans: Child who fails to avoid toil, except on Thursdays) and U (trans: Psychiatrist with very short name), Te-shoic pressed the button. The box opened and shot a beam of light into the air, tyhen crumbled into dust. The tribe members shrugged and got on with their toil, until three days later when the entire region was crushed by a falling 70,000 ton beefburger.
None of which has any relevance to the story of Kain.
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Welcome to part 4 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!
In this chapter, Kain returns to the Pillars after cutting off the head of Nupraptor, and is a bit pissed off when Ariel tells him that he has to kill the rest of the Circle too. It just never ends, does it? Next up for the chop is Malek, who has a castle of hi-tech weaponary, lasers, machine guns, neutron bombs and doomsday devices, most of which he can't use because he forgot to pay his electricity bill.
********************************************************************
It is night at the Pillars of Nosgoth. Suddenly, two bright lights illuminate the Pillars as a yellow taxi pulls up, and Kain gets out.
Taxi Driver: That'll be seven fifty, then.
Kain pays the driver, then brutally slaughters him for no real reason. He saunters up to the Pillars, where Ariel ignores him while chatting on her mobile.
Kain: (VO) I placed Nupraptor's head before the Pillar of the Mind, and watched as a small panel slid back and a hand quickly darted out and grabbed it, pulling it into the Pillar. Somehow, the Pillar was restored by this. Maybe the hand belonged to a...a...Pillar repairing guy. If so, I wondered why he'd only repaired the Pillar after I'd given him some dead guy's head. Obviously wasn't a fan of the whole money deal.
Ariel: Death in the Circle breathes life to the Pillars.
Kain: You died, and it didn't do the Pillars much good.
Ariel: My breath was a bit off that day. I hadn't taken my mouthwash.
Kain: Er...OK. Well, my job's done. Can I go home now?
Ariel: Nupraptor was only the source of the madness. You must destroy the Circle to restore Balance to Nosgoth.
Kain: WHAT?! You stupid dead half-faced bitch! You never said I'd have to tromp all over Nosgoth finding all eight members of the dratted Circle!
Ariel: It must have slipped my mind. No be a good boy and get going.
Kain: No way. I'm not moving from this spot.
Ariel: Fine. I'll get out my mobile phone and start up a phone-sex line. Imagine all those explicit lines, always coming from the rotten half of my face...
Kain: So which member of the Circle's next?
Ariel: Hehehe...let's go for Malek next.
Kain: Why?
Ariel: Because he's the hardest. Guardian of Conflict and all.
Kain: Wouldn't it be easier to go for a less tough one?
Ariel pulls a lever. A giant hand comes out over nowhere and flicks Kain over the horizon.
A minute later, Kain splats down outside of Coorhagen.
Kain: (VO) Ugh...Coorhagen. Finest city in Nosgoth, and my home. Years ago, word reached us of a strange pestilence that laid seige to a few remote villages far east. But the fumours failed to prepare us for the horror that was Pop Idol.
Kain screams as a bunch of those brain-dead bimbos and jackasses who are so deluded that they think they have anything even resembling talent lurch out towards him, acting like black holes of the emotion - they suck in all happiness and satisfaction from others, crushing them completely. Kain screams and runs away, occasionally visiting more buildings to pick up the Repel power, and other powers that aren't much use. Eventually he gives up running, transforms into a bat, bombs bat droppings on the Pop Idol people, and flies to Malek's bastion. Inside, Malek addresses him through the PA system.
Malek: It's about time you got here. I want the cable TV installed in the living room, pronto.
Kain: I'm not a cable guy. I'm a powerful fledgling Vampire here to kick your ass!
Malek: Awww...can you pretend to be a cable guy?
Kain: What? NO!!!
Malek: Please? I'm missing this cool documentary on the Discovery Channel!
Kain: I don't care if you're missing a vital TV Open University course on how to breathe in and out! I came here to kill you, and that's what I'm going to do!
Malek: Sod you then!
A wall slides away, and Kain is slammed by a gigantic boxing glove.
Kain: What the hell is that?!
Malek: I like to be creative with my booby traps.
Kain: Why you...
Kain charges through the bastion, dodging snakes, killing golems, barging past the mutant cauliflower, and bringing down the legendary Cardboard Box of Desolation. Finally, he reaches the door labelled "Malek's Inner Sanctum".
Kain: Ha! Now I've got you, Malek!
Kain tears the door off its hinges and runs through the doorway, smack into the brick wall that is there instead. A note is pinned onto the wall saying "Fooled you!!!". The impact squashes Kain's nose.
Kain: Dat wadn't funny, oo vaffbarb!
CyberSiC: Er, maybe this isn't a good time...
Kain: What? Who the hell are you?!
CyberSiC: But you know when you first woke up as a Vampire? You said "I awoke to a new existence", when you should have said "I awoke to the pain of a new existence".
Kain: Look, I'm not in a good mood right now. No offence, but I'm just going to have to kill you and guzzle down some blood, OK?
Before Kain can attack, he is surrounded by many of SiC's allies and friends, all powerful warriors and beings.
Painite: Sorry, Kain, but you'll never beat all of us.
Kain: Wait a sec. You're all characters in stories written by the writer and his friends!
Emily: Hehehe...Yep!
Kain: What's the point?! Only about 2 people who'll ever read this story will get it! The others won't have a clue what's going on!
Glade: Sorry, but the writer's writing this late at night.
Kain: Again?! I hate that! He never makes any sense when he does that!
Kain turns around to storm off, but runs right into a giant cheesecake.
Kain: See?!
Kain pulls away from the cheesecake and runs off, screaming. Eventually, he bumps into Malek.
Kain: That's it. Malek, I'm going to kill you and then get out of this madhouse!
The two fight, but Kain can't be hurt because of his Repel spell, and Malek keeps on putting his body parts back together when hurt. Eventually, Malek throws a giant wave of energy that blasts everything it hits into dust. Kain yelps and dives out of the window.
Malek: That was an anti-climax!
Way below, at the bottom of the mountain, Kain dusts himself off.
Kain: T'would seem that Malek's destiny with my blades was postponed. Perhaps Ariel could offer further guidance.
Kain starts to return to the Pillars. For no real reason, he is being accompanied by a bunch of minstrels.
Minstrel: Brave, brave Sir Kain: When Malek reared his ugly head, Kain bravely stood and turned and fled...
Kain: I didn't!
Minstrel: When death beckoned for him to lay, Kain bravely span and ran away...
Kain: No!
Minstrel: When he heard pain's footstep and agony's cough, Kain bravely turned and buggered off...
Kain grabs the minstrels and makes liberal use of a bunch of Flay srtifacts. How brave, mutlilating a bunch of unarmed, defenceless...
Kain: And you can shut up too! Don't think I didn't recognise yet another unoriginal rip-off, even if it was Monty Python! I'm watching you, writer!
Ulp...
So, for centuries the Revioli existed in peace, until one day, the tribe leader, a man named Te-shoic (translation: Man who has no purpose in the story other than to perform one action that will wreck his tribe) discovered a large metal box with a button on it, and a lebel saying "Please do not push this button". Te-shoic was a curious man, and egged on by his friends Gaz-kan (trans: Man who juggles chickens when bored), Tey'shain (trans: Woman who once rode a horse to the chemists and back), Sahshasha (trans: Child who fails to avoid toil, except on Thursdays) and U (trans: Psychiatrist with very short name), Te-shoic pressed the button. The box opened and shot a beam of light into the air, tyhen crumbled into dust. The tribe members shrugged and got on with their toil, until three days later when the entire region was crushed by a falling 70,000 ton beefburger.
None of which has any relevance to the story of Kain.
********************************************************************
Welcome to part 4 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!
In this chapter, Kain returns to the Pillars after cutting off the head of Nupraptor, and is a bit pissed off when Ariel tells him that he has to kill the rest of the Circle too. It just never ends, does it? Next up for the chop is Malek, who has a castle of hi-tech weaponary, lasers, machine guns, neutron bombs and doomsday devices, most of which he can't use because he forgot to pay his electricity bill.
********************************************************************
It is night at the Pillars of Nosgoth. Suddenly, two bright lights illuminate the Pillars as a yellow taxi pulls up, and Kain gets out.
Taxi Driver: That'll be seven fifty, then.
Kain pays the driver, then brutally slaughters him for no real reason. He saunters up to the Pillars, where Ariel ignores him while chatting on her mobile.
Kain: (VO) I placed Nupraptor's head before the Pillar of the Mind, and watched as a small panel slid back and a hand quickly darted out and grabbed it, pulling it into the Pillar. Somehow, the Pillar was restored by this. Maybe the hand belonged to a...a...Pillar repairing guy. If so, I wondered why he'd only repaired the Pillar after I'd given him some dead guy's head. Obviously wasn't a fan of the whole money deal.
Ariel: Death in the Circle breathes life to the Pillars.
Kain: You died, and it didn't do the Pillars much good.
Ariel: My breath was a bit off that day. I hadn't taken my mouthwash.
Kain: Er...OK. Well, my job's done. Can I go home now?
Ariel: Nupraptor was only the source of the madness. You must destroy the Circle to restore Balance to Nosgoth.
Kain: WHAT?! You stupid dead half-faced bitch! You never said I'd have to tromp all over Nosgoth finding all eight members of the dratted Circle!
Ariel: It must have slipped my mind. No be a good boy and get going.
Kain: No way. I'm not moving from this spot.
Ariel: Fine. I'll get out my mobile phone and start up a phone-sex line. Imagine all those explicit lines, always coming from the rotten half of my face...
Kain: So which member of the Circle's next?
Ariel: Hehehe...let's go for Malek next.
Kain: Why?
Ariel: Because he's the hardest. Guardian of Conflict and all.
Kain: Wouldn't it be easier to go for a less tough one?
Ariel pulls a lever. A giant hand comes out over nowhere and flicks Kain over the horizon.
A minute later, Kain splats down outside of Coorhagen.
Kain: (VO) Ugh...Coorhagen. Finest city in Nosgoth, and my home. Years ago, word reached us of a strange pestilence that laid seige to a few remote villages far east. But the fumours failed to prepare us for the horror that was Pop Idol.
Kain screams as a bunch of those brain-dead bimbos and jackasses who are so deluded that they think they have anything even resembling talent lurch out towards him, acting like black holes of the emotion - they suck in all happiness and satisfaction from others, crushing them completely. Kain screams and runs away, occasionally visiting more buildings to pick up the Repel power, and other powers that aren't much use. Eventually he gives up running, transforms into a bat, bombs bat droppings on the Pop Idol people, and flies to Malek's bastion. Inside, Malek addresses him through the PA system.
Malek: It's about time you got here. I want the cable TV installed in the living room, pronto.
Kain: I'm not a cable guy. I'm a powerful fledgling Vampire here to kick your ass!
Malek: Awww...can you pretend to be a cable guy?
Kain: What? NO!!!
Malek: Please? I'm missing this cool documentary on the Discovery Channel!
Kain: I don't care if you're missing a vital TV Open University course on how to breathe in and out! I came here to kill you, and that's what I'm going to do!
Malek: Sod you then!
A wall slides away, and Kain is slammed by a gigantic boxing glove.
Kain: What the hell is that?!
Malek: I like to be creative with my booby traps.
Kain: Why you...
Kain charges through the bastion, dodging snakes, killing golems, barging past the mutant cauliflower, and bringing down the legendary Cardboard Box of Desolation. Finally, he reaches the door labelled "Malek's Inner Sanctum".
Kain: Ha! Now I've got you, Malek!
Kain tears the door off its hinges and runs through the doorway, smack into the brick wall that is there instead. A note is pinned onto the wall saying "Fooled you!!!". The impact squashes Kain's nose.
Kain: Dat wadn't funny, oo vaffbarb!
CyberSiC: Er, maybe this isn't a good time...
Kain: What? Who the hell are you?!
CyberSiC: But you know when you first woke up as a Vampire? You said "I awoke to a new existence", when you should have said "I awoke to the pain of a new existence".
Kain: Look, I'm not in a good mood right now. No offence, but I'm just going to have to kill you and guzzle down some blood, OK?
Before Kain can attack, he is surrounded by many of SiC's allies and friends, all powerful warriors and beings.
Painite: Sorry, Kain, but you'll never beat all of us.
Kain: Wait a sec. You're all characters in stories written by the writer and his friends!
Emily: Hehehe...Yep!
Kain: What's the point?! Only about 2 people who'll ever read this story will get it! The others won't have a clue what's going on!
Glade: Sorry, but the writer's writing this late at night.
Kain: Again?! I hate that! He never makes any sense when he does that!
Kain turns around to storm off, but runs right into a giant cheesecake.
Kain: See?!
Kain pulls away from the cheesecake and runs off, screaming. Eventually, he bumps into Malek.
Kain: That's it. Malek, I'm going to kill you and then get out of this madhouse!
The two fight, but Kain can't be hurt because of his Repel spell, and Malek keeps on putting his body parts back together when hurt. Eventually, Malek throws a giant wave of energy that blasts everything it hits into dust. Kain yelps and dives out of the window.
Malek: That was an anti-climax!
Way below, at the bottom of the mountain, Kain dusts himself off.
Kain: T'would seem that Malek's destiny with my blades was postponed. Perhaps Ariel could offer further guidance.
Kain starts to return to the Pillars. For no real reason, he is being accompanied by a bunch of minstrels.
Minstrel: Brave, brave Sir Kain: When Malek reared his ugly head, Kain bravely stood and turned and fled...
Kain: I didn't!
Minstrel: When death beckoned for him to lay, Kain bravely span and ran away...
Kain: No!
Minstrel: When he heard pain's footstep and agony's cough, Kain bravely turned and buggered off...
Kain grabs the minstrels and makes liberal use of a bunch of Flay srtifacts. How brave, mutlilating a bunch of unarmed, defenceless...
Kain: And you can shut up too! Don't think I didn't recognise yet another unoriginal rip-off, even if it was Monty Python! I'm watching you, writer!
Ulp...