The Big Giant Ripoff Show: Star Wars Style!
by Father Hulk
OPENING WORDS: Hello everyone! Father M.J. Hulk here with the next episode of The Big Giant Ripoff Show! This week, Trade Federation Viceroy Nute Gunray discovers a podracer that can go through time! Using it to his advantage, Gunray greatly alters the Star Wars world! Just know that these characters don't belong to me or the St. Eva church, though I greatly wish they did. Here we go!
Kitster was asleep in his room when the comlink buzzed. At first he didn't stir, but after the buzzing persisted, he fumbled around, grabbed the device, and said, "What is it, Ani?"
"Kitster! I sure as hell hope you didn't fall asleep!" said the voice of his friend on the other end.
"Me? Fall asleep? That's Bantha poodoo." Kitster replied, trying to make it sound like he was wide awake. "What's up?"
"Listen, I made a major breakthrough on my pod, and I want you to see it. Can you pick up my lightsaber and meet me at Twin Suns Mall?"
"What, now?"
"Yeah."
"Sure… I'm… on my way." Stuffing a food-stick in his mouth, Kitster threw his cloak around his shoulders and left his hut.
He arrived at Anakin's workshop on his glider thingey that you stand on (I forget what they're called) to find Anakin bent over his pod, his face dusty with soot.
"Okay, Ani, what's this all about?"
"Kitster, you made it! Welcome to possibly the biggest discovery of my life!"
"Oh… it's a podracer." Kitster observed, somewhat disappointed.
"But not just any podracer." Anakin said with a mischeivous grin. "Get Artoo for me."
"Hey, dumb droid!" Kitster called. "Get over here."
Artoo Detoo ambled over and stuck out a pointy appendage while beeping something at Kitster.
"He said 'Pull my finger.'" said SeeThreepio, who just came in out of nowhere.
Kitster pulled it, and got a very nice shock. And then, he said some things that I won't type on these pages. ^_^ii
"Okay, Artoo, come on." Anakin proceeded to place Artoo in the pod and tie him down. "All comfy?" He took out a huge remote control.
"Watch this, Kitster." he said, and he proceeded to zoom the pod so it was facing a straight run, and shot it down the run at 69 MPH, and in a flash of fire, it vanished!
"Ani, what the hell did you do?" Kitster cried. "You destroyed him!"
"Calm down, I haven't destroyed anything!" Anakin said, bursting with glee. "I just made Artoo Detoo the galaxy's first time traveler!"
"What what WHAT???"
"Easy there, Miss Broflovski. It's completely logical! Artoo is now going to appear one episode in the future!"
(Crickets)
"So now what do we do?" Kitster finally asked.
"I dunno. Wanna play Super Smash Bros. Melee?"
"Sure."
And so began the wait for Episode 2.
Ten years later, in a part of Attack of the Clones that we never saw…
A much more mature pair of Anakin and Kitster were playing Super Smash Bros. Melee part 5 when there were three loud crashes outside, and then with Artoo's electronic scream, the podracer zoomed into the workshop.
"Holy shit!" Kitster cried, jumping up. "Hey, isn't that the little droid from ten years ago?"
"Yeah! See, I told you!" Anakin said. "Come on, now we can finally go time traveling ourselves!"
Anakin and Kitster jumped in the pod and set the time circuits for 20 years in the future, and at 69 MPH, they sped off. They didn't even notice Viceroy Nute Gunray watching them from his starship.
"A time-traveling podracer?" He mused. "I could do some incredible shit with that."
He turned abruptly to his counterpart, Rune. "Get me a tracking signal on that pod, and follow it!" he ordered.
Anakin and Kitster traveled 15 years into the future, to see what life would be like after Anakin had become a Jedi and Kitster had become a male "dancer." (What? You didn't know that's what he wanted to do? Honestly, it's true! ---M.J.) What they saw wasn't pleasant. There was this guy in black armor that kept going to different star systems and terrorizing people. And there was also unrest in almost every corner of the galaxy.
"Dude, this sucks." Kitster said, and Anakin agreed as they walked over the remains of a Rebel Base on Dantooine.
Meanwhile…
"Sir, we got a lock on that podracer." said a Battle Droid, approaching Nute Gunray. "It is presently 15 years in the future, in the Dantooine system."
"Good." Said Gunray, "Now we just have to wait for it to come back. Mwaaaaahaahahah!"
A big blue sweatdrop formed on the battle droid's head, then he said, "Viceroy, your lips aren't matching your speech."
Gunray fell over, but held up his fist and shouted, "This is not an Anime cartoon! Stop this at once!"
We'll be back after these messages.
"Have you or a loved one been hurt or injured? Do you feel your rights have been violated? Do you want swift, brutal revenge on the perpetrator? Hi, I'm Boba Fett. For over 30 years, bounty hunters like my father and I have inflicted painful, often fatal death to those who have hurt people like you. On the flipside, if you hurt someone, I've got your number. So call us today. Your time may be running out. In more ways than one."
And now back to our show.
"Ah, that was fun." Said Anakin, exhausted and exhilirated as he and Kitster dismounted the podracer. "Let's go to Greedo's Grub for some munchies."
They went off, leaving the racer parked in a vacant parking spot. It was then that Nute Gunray, all beady-eyed and mischeivous-smiled, emerged from the shadows, jumped in the pod, and sped off.
BAM BAM BOOM!
Nute Gunray emerged 15 years later in a docking bay of a huge battle station.
"Wow!" he said, looking around, "I wish the Federation ships could have been built like this!"
He got up and walked around, and soon he passed a gaunt, hatchet-faced man who was walking down the hallway.
"Look at you." He said. "You're a Neimodian, aren't you?"
"Uh, yes." Gunray replied.
Governor Tarkin smiled. "Well, then you must have an excessive knowledge of Windows 3,000,000."
"Um, some, yes."
"Then come with me."
Nute obediently followed Tarkin.
"There is an urgent matter at hand," Tarkin said as they swept down the corridor. "We need to destroy that planet out there, Alderaan. But there's a glitch in the software. We're supposed to destroy it in front of the princess… Here we are!" Tarkin opened the door to a large computer room, and Gunray gasped. There were 5,000,000 computer screens in there!
"Go to work." Tarkin ordered.
With many "Um's," Gunray set about as best he could trying to find the glitch in the system. But then an Illegal Operation message showed up on all the screens, and the entire Death Star lost power and went hurtling into oblivion, Darth Vader and all.
And then, on television sets all over the place, the Star Wars movies froze. The events depicted on them never happened, and therefore were erased from memory. Anakin Skywalker spent his days building podracers and making out with Padme. Kitster continued his stripping career and became close friends with Saturday Night Live's Mango. Obi-Wan Kenobi became a busboy, since there were no events for him in the future. And as for Palpatine, he became the next Hugh Heffner. That is all.
THE END!!!
But the fun doesn't stop here!
Join us next time when Britain's GROOVIEST superspy becomes a teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! Yes that's right! Austin Powers will become the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and things get a bit awkward! Catch it soon, in the Harry Potter section!!!
Written by Father Maximillian J. Hulk
FatherHulk601@aol.com