Chapter 4:
Out and In
A heartbeat. The steady, pulsing thump within Akane's chest. She thought she could hear it, if she concentrated. Her heartbeat.
She was stretched out across the bed, her battered hands lying still at her sides. Waiting. She had long since given up on the door. It would not fall to her hands, no matter how many of its splinters crawled beneath her skin. So she waited, listening.
She heard the distant pops of wood, only audible in silence. The sounds a quiet house makes. She heard her own slow breathing. The beating of her heart. She heard running footsteps, echoing in the silence, drowning out the expanding wood. She heard a frantic fumbling at the lock.
The door flew open, and Ranma stood in the open doorway, breathing heavily. His wild eyes darted around the room, landing on her and coming into focus.
"You're alive."
His voice was transparent and thin with the gasping of his breath. Like words stripped of tone and blown by the wind. He stared at her, taking her in, never quite meeting her eyes. He took a step backwards, his face a mask of fear.
"I… no…"
Slowly, his footsteps retreated. And he was gone, the door still hanging open. A gaping mouth.
Akane shook herself and stood, dashing out of the room, into a hall, through the light room.
"W-wait!"
She didn't recognize her own stuttering voice. She never stuttered.
She came to a dead halt in front of a door that slammed in her face, connecting with the doorframe in stunning finality. Shocking finality. Her eyes burned twin holes through the barrier between Ranma and herself, just inches from her nose.
Pain. Her nails dug into the sweating palms of her hands, leaving a pattern of crescent moons. With a vicious, strangled cry she raised her fists and attacked the door. She imagined it was Ranma.
This was all his fault. This pain. And she hated him for it. For making her care. For making her feel concern she had never felt for Xian.
Her fists beat upon the door, rattling it on its hinges, creating an echoing tattoo. She kicked at it with her booted feet, she drove her slight weight into it with as much force as she could muster, she yanked at the cold, brass knob. Behind the sound of would and flesh and boot upon the door there was only silence.
"Open up!"
She cried out to fill it. Angry, vengeful. Time passed.
"Answer me!"
Still only silence. Irritated, tiring.
"Let me in!"
Her voice could not reach him, through the closed door. Desperate, weakening.
"Do something! Please…"
She trailed off, slumping against the door and sliding down it to hug her knees to her chest and hide her face. Hopeless, frail.
"Let me in, you bastard…"
Pained, desolate. How she hated him… Akane raised a hand to her tightly lidded eyes and pressed her fingers into them. Blotches of muddy green and purple, circles of toneless black ringed by firey orange, appeared in her field of vision. They remained as a ghostly after-image when she released the pressure and opened her eyes.
An open doorway stared back at her.
At the other end of the hall, and through another room it stood. For a long time she stared at it, studied it. It was something of a shock, to see a door just standing open. Waiting for her. She watched the door, as if it would move, as if it would disappear. The shaky sound of her breathing was loud in her ears.
Before she knew it, she had walked the distance to the open portal, never taking her eyes off it. It never moved. She stopped beneath the doorframe and listened to the quivering sound of her own breathing. It never moved. Her foot came off the ground, impossibly slow, and moved behind her. She took another backwards step. The door closed beneath her hand. Her own traitorous hand.
Betraying her self-delusion.
She turned. The metal of Ranma's handgun was a cool, deadly circle against her forehead.
"Why? Why didn't you?"
His hand was without tremor, unlike his voice.
"Will you kill me now?"
She didn't know what possessed her to ask him that. His eyes met hers. First she saw fear. Then she saw pain. Beneath that she saw concern. Then self-hate. Betrayal. Pain. Indifference. Dejection. Death. Pain. Tears. Blood. Pain. Light. Pain. Darkness. Pain. Pain, pain. A child, crying. His pure soul.
And she was back to herself, pulling out of the tunnels of his eyes like waking from a fast-paced dream. The hand with the weapon shuddered, Ranma shuddered. The gun dropped from his limp hand. It clattered noisily on the floor, shaking like a stricken spider.
Akane stared at it, but made no move to pick it up.
"Take it."
She turned her eyes to Ranma. He too, was staring at the discarded weapon.
"Please."
His gaze flickered to her. She knew…
"It's your job."
…What he was asking.
"No."
"Why not?"
He was goading her. She clenched a fist. So he wanted death. No.
"Take it yourself."
He didn't move.
"You won't, will you? You don't really want it."
His eyes hardened. Chips of blue ice. Suddenly, she found her back against the closed door. Ranma's palm contacted the wood beside her head with a dull, resounding smack. He leaned over her, into her, their faces nearly touching.
She expected hate. She expected brutality. But when she looked into his eyes again they were soft, confused, scared, pained.
"Why won't you stay out?"
His voice was a whisper, brushing heat against her pale skin. She shivered. He had only ever touched her on that first day. They both kept their distances.
"I tried."
And she had. But they had never been strangers. He dropped his hand and backed away.
"You want me to explain, don't you?"
He was watching her. Daring her to answer.
"It's too late to say no, now."
Was her reply. A weary sigh escaped his lips.
"It was too late on that first night."
He gestured for her to follow, and she did. She followed him deeper into the building. Deeper into himself.
A/N: Okay, I got this out pretty fast right? Thanks for all the reviews!! I just have one question for Socchan – All he asked them was if the cat was alive or dead? Maybe I'm just being dense, but I don't understand how that's philosophical… sounds interesting though. I don't really have anything else to say right now, except please review!! Alright, I'll c ya next chap.