Chapter 7 - Feelings
Nils looked at the beautiful woman sitting opposite of him in his office. She was reading a file about people that had gone missing in the last few months, mostly children. Nils had written it himself and he knew almost every sentence in the whole thing. He could see how a frown started to build up in Anya's face, and decided that it was time to break her attention from the horrible reading.
"What's up between you and Xander?" he asked curiously, not coming up with any other subject. But he really wanted to know that, since he needed to know if he had a chance with this woman.
She sighed and put down the papers on the desk.
"Nothing at the moment, but we used to be engaged."
Nils looked away disappointed.
"But you want to be together with him again, don't you?" he asked.
Anya stared at him in shock.
"Not a chance! He left me at the altar, I could never forgive him for that," she exclaimed.
"You sure?" Nils asked hesitantly. "Because I thought I saw quite a lot of emotions between you two."
Anya shrugged.
"There's a lot of other feelings then love. Sure, Xander will always hold a place in my heart, but I wouldn't want us to be more then friends. And I think he feels the same, especially since I'm a demon again, he's having some trouble accepting that."
Nils stared at her in shock and horror and unconsciously backed away from her.
"What did you just say?" he asked with a high voice. "You, a demon?"
She looked at him surprised.
"Oh, sorry. I though that you already knew that. Yep, Anyanka the vengeance demon, that's me."
Now Nils consciously backed away.
"Vengeance demon? What kind of demon is that?" he asked.
"The kind that takes vengeance," Anya replied matter of factly. "That's a problem for you?"
Not sure what to do, Nils shook his head and started toying with the pencil in his hand nervously.
"NO, no. Of course not. I'm just surprised, that's all," he said, not very convincing.
Anya shrugged again and got up from her chair.
"Okay, that's great. But I think I better get going now, I want to check out this city." she said and waved him goodbye.
"Yes, yes. Okay, bye," Nils stammered, and the second she was out the door, he reached for his phone. "Leta reda på allt som finns att veta om demoner som heter 'vengeance demons'," (Find everything that is possible about demons celled Vengeance demons), he said.
~*~
Spike increased his pace so that he could walk beside her. They walked in silence for a while before she spoke.
"I'm just so tired of not knowing what to do," Buffy said. "It's so frustrating. I was hoping that she could give me some straight answers so that I could make sure that the Hellmouth would remain closed and go home."
Spike nodded and took her hand in his to comfort her.
"I know. But things never is that easy."
She sighed and stopped to sit down on a bench at the side of the road. It was very dark and she was freezing in the cold wind. Soon Spike sat beside her doing his best to warm her, even though it was hard when he was so cold himself.
"Come on Slayer, you've fought worse things then this. You've closed an Hellmouth before, you've sent someone you loved to hell, you've lost you're mother and you've died. But still here you are, and only days ago I think you where happy."
She looked up at him with a frown.
"Happy?" she said. "No, I wasn't happy. I can't ever be happy, it's my curse. It's like someone up there has decided that no happiness is allowed for Buffy Anne Summers. My life sucked less, that was all."
Spike nodded again and put one arm around her shoulders. At first it looked like she was about to shrug it off, but then she leaned against him and closed her eyes.
"I wish my life could be simple again," she whispered, almost to quiet for him to hear.
"Like before you died, or maybe before Joyce died?" he asked curiously.
She shook her head.
"No, before I became a Slayer, when my parents where still together. My biggest concern then was which lipstick matched the shirt I was wearing. Now I have to raise a teenage girl, and I have trouble getting enough money to buy food. I have no job, and I dropped out from college. And here I am, in a country I know hardly anything about, to save people I've never met, and I'm held by a vampire. I say my life couldn't get more complicated."
He swallowed uncertainly trying to make his voice sound confident.
"I could leave, if you want," he whispered in her ear, hoping she would say no. But to his disappointment she nodded.
"Maybe that would be best," she said while getting up from the bench. "The sun's coming up, we should get back to the hotel."
"Yes, I guess you're right," he agreed sadly, following her towards the little house where their friends where waiting for them.
~*~
Willow watched the seer closely as they waited for Buffy and Spike to return. She could see that there was something more that Anna wanted to tell but for some reason couldn't.
"What's with the depresso-seer?" she asked humorously, but not really that amused.
"Huh? What?" Anna asked confused. "Depressed? I'm not depressed, I'm just tired."
Willow looked at her suspiciously.
"I thought you said that you didn't sleep," she said nonplussed.
Anna looked down guiltily for a second.
"Yes, right. Bad cover, there," she said apologetically.
Willow gave her a tight smile, trying to look friendly.
"You know, I've heard that I'm a great listener. It's always good to get the things that bother you out in the open," she said cheerfully.
Anna smiled back thankfully.
"Thanks, but I can't. If I would tell you, I would disrupt the balance."
Willow sighed.
"That must be pretty hard, the whole being in the middle thing. It must be very lonely."
Anna shrugged.
"Nah, I have Alex, don't I? But yes, it is hard. Sometimes all I want is just to use my visions to save people, but then I remember that if I did that, even more people would die."
She swallowed hard and smiled lovingly at her niece that had just walked up to them.
"Don't think so much about it, An, there is no use. And total chaos wouldn't exactly help the Slayer to save people. This is you're job, and you've been doing it perfectly for the last two-thousand years, give or take a century," Alexandra said, squeezing her hand.
"Thank you," Anna whispered back. Then she looked at Willow seriously. "Just remember what I told you about the traitor. It will be someone that you would never expect. But this person won't do it out of hate, but out of love. And only love will save you all, and the world. Remember that."
"I will," Willow replies sternly. "Thank you."
Anna smiled.
"You're welcome."
~*~
Giles couldn't help but feel guilty as he saw the young people who where sitting next to him in his car. Willow with her thoughtful expression, probably thinking about Tara, or maybe the girl she'd met earlier, Alexandra. Behind her in the backseat, Spike sat. Giles could see how he did his best looking at Buffy without it being too obvious. They'd probably had had a fight earlier after they'd disappeared from Anna's house. And Dawn staring straight ahead with an unhappy expression, probably thinking about all the things in her life that was so unfair. And then there was Buffy. His Slayer, who always had been so full of life, but now she was only a shell of her former self. She was looking out the window without actually seeing anything, and her eyes where filled with tears that wouldn't fall. God, he would do anything for her, if he thought that it was necessary. But in the last couple of months he'd started to realize that there wasn't really that much he could do. To her --and to the others also-- he was just a middle-aged Englishman that visited them for a while and held quite a lot of knowledge, but not really an important part of their lives anymore. Not as he had been before at least.
He would give anything to be able to help her out, to give her some extra money and give her advice. But he knew it was useless. She was to proud to take anymore money then she'd only taken, and even though she would listen to the advice's she probably wouldn't follow them. So he'd found another way to make things right again. But it was going to be hard, and some of her friend's maybe wouldn't make it, but that was a sacrifice he would have to make. As long as everything ended up as he'd planned it to. As it was supposed to.
~*~
Anna watched as her niece danced around in the kitchen, singing happily. She sighed as she thought about how short Alexandra's happiness would last. But she didn't want to ruin her niece's mood, not when she was so happy.
'Damn you, Rupert Giles,' she thought. 'Damn you.'
~*~
Dawn sat in her room reading. Nothing else to do really, watching TV when you don't understand one word that is said soon looses its appeal. But the book was kind of good, though. All with the vampires and stuff. But as soon as she saw a certain peroxide blond head in the doorway she hid the book. But not fast enough.
"You know that's just a load of bollocks, don't you 'bit? That Anne Rice chick don't know a thing about the undead," he said while sitting down on a chair next to her bed.
"Yeah, you're probably right," Dawn agreed quickly, placing the book on a shelf. "Was it anything special you wanted?" she asked curiously.
Spike leaned back and smiled at her playfully.
"Since when do I need a reason to talk to my niblet?" he asked.
Dawn shrugged and looked away sadly.
"I just mean. Well, you and me haven't been talking for real for at least. A very long time. Not since before Buffy got back, I think."
Spike thought about it for a moment before changing his place so that he sat next to her on the bed instead.
"Dawn," he began softly. "You know that I'm always here for you, right? Buffy and me, it's complicated. But what goes on between me and your sister shouldn't affect our friendship."
Dawn nodded and gave him a hug.
"I know that. But you left because of her. You left and were gone a long time. I know what you did, and I think that it was very wrong. But you didn't have to leave. And then you came back and where all." She looked at him hesitantly.
Spike laughed.
"It's okay, you can say it, I was insane. A total loony."
"Okay, you where insane. But then when you started to get better, you still avoided me," she said sadly.
Spike looked at her in surprise.
"Avoided you? I didn't do that! I would never avoid you, lil'bit. I might have been avoiding Buffy, but not you."
Dawn gave him a nervous smile.
"You promise?" she asked quietly.
Spike gave her a hug and got up from the bed.
"Yes, I promise. And don't you ever forget that you can talk with me about anything. You can trust me," he said softly, smiling gently.
But Dawn looked away from him.
"You said that Buffy could trust you too," she whispered before running out of the room, leaving a sad and guilty Spike behind.
"I know," he whispered after her.
~*~
Buffy slowly got up from her place next to Dawns doors after she'd made sure that her sister was out of sight. She quietly sighed and turned to the vampire that was leaning against the wall. Feelings of sympathy and sorrow washed over her as she saw her former lover trying to fight back the tears in his eyes.
"Are you okay?" she asked softly, sitting down next to him.
Spike shrugged and looked up at her.
"I'm as okay as I deserve," he whispered, his voice cracking.
Buffy smiled and put one hand on his shoulder to comfort him. He quickly pulled back and she looked at him confused.
"What is it?" she asked, afraid he'd gone back to the state he'd been in when he'd first come back. But to her relief he seemed to be quite sane, although very tired.
"'S nothing," he answered. "I just don't like being touched. that's all."
Buffy gave him a worried look.
"Why?" she asked. "Just a couple of hours ago you where holding me, and now you don't want to e touched at all. Talk about mood swings."
Spike sighed and turned away from her.
"It's complicated," he whispered. "Earlier I was wrong, I let myself forget what I've done, not only to you, but all those people I've killed. I can't forget. I WON'T forget. If I do, who says I wont go back out there and do the same again?" he said, on the verge of tears.
"The chip would stop you, you know that," Buffy said, doing her best to sound supporting. "And what brought this on? Was it what Dawn said about trust?"
Now the tears where falling with what seemed like no end. She couldn't help but wish that she could reach out to him, and wipe them of his face, but that would be wrong. It was enough that she'd already kissed him, twice, and she didn't want him to get the wrong idea. Yes she had feelings for him, feelings that kept getting stronger, but she didn't love him. It would be cruel to get his hoped up and then leave him, again. God, she had really treated him badly before. But that was before the soul, he was different now.
"I need to be alone," Spike said quietly, shakily getting up from the floor. Before she had time to respond he was gone.
"I'm sorry," she whispered after him, wishing she could go after him and tell him exactly what she felt for him, but she couldn't. She wasn't even sure herself of her feelings.
TBC
Nils looked at the beautiful woman sitting opposite of him in his office. She was reading a file about people that had gone missing in the last few months, mostly children. Nils had written it himself and he knew almost every sentence in the whole thing. He could see how a frown started to build up in Anya's face, and decided that it was time to break her attention from the horrible reading.
"What's up between you and Xander?" he asked curiously, not coming up with any other subject. But he really wanted to know that, since he needed to know if he had a chance with this woman.
She sighed and put down the papers on the desk.
"Nothing at the moment, but we used to be engaged."
Nils looked away disappointed.
"But you want to be together with him again, don't you?" he asked.
Anya stared at him in shock.
"Not a chance! He left me at the altar, I could never forgive him for that," she exclaimed.
"You sure?" Nils asked hesitantly. "Because I thought I saw quite a lot of emotions between you two."
Anya shrugged.
"There's a lot of other feelings then love. Sure, Xander will always hold a place in my heart, but I wouldn't want us to be more then friends. And I think he feels the same, especially since I'm a demon again, he's having some trouble accepting that."
Nils stared at her in shock and horror and unconsciously backed away from her.
"What did you just say?" he asked with a high voice. "You, a demon?"
She looked at him surprised.
"Oh, sorry. I though that you already knew that. Yep, Anyanka the vengeance demon, that's me."
Now Nils consciously backed away.
"Vengeance demon? What kind of demon is that?" he asked.
"The kind that takes vengeance," Anya replied matter of factly. "That's a problem for you?"
Not sure what to do, Nils shook his head and started toying with the pencil in his hand nervously.
"NO, no. Of course not. I'm just surprised, that's all," he said, not very convincing.
Anya shrugged again and got up from her chair.
"Okay, that's great. But I think I better get going now, I want to check out this city." she said and waved him goodbye.
"Yes, yes. Okay, bye," Nils stammered, and the second she was out the door, he reached for his phone. "Leta reda på allt som finns att veta om demoner som heter 'vengeance demons'," (Find everything that is possible about demons celled Vengeance demons), he said.
~*~
Spike increased his pace so that he could walk beside her. They walked in silence for a while before she spoke.
"I'm just so tired of not knowing what to do," Buffy said. "It's so frustrating. I was hoping that she could give me some straight answers so that I could make sure that the Hellmouth would remain closed and go home."
Spike nodded and took her hand in his to comfort her.
"I know. But things never is that easy."
She sighed and stopped to sit down on a bench at the side of the road. It was very dark and she was freezing in the cold wind. Soon Spike sat beside her doing his best to warm her, even though it was hard when he was so cold himself.
"Come on Slayer, you've fought worse things then this. You've closed an Hellmouth before, you've sent someone you loved to hell, you've lost you're mother and you've died. But still here you are, and only days ago I think you where happy."
She looked up at him with a frown.
"Happy?" she said. "No, I wasn't happy. I can't ever be happy, it's my curse. It's like someone up there has decided that no happiness is allowed for Buffy Anne Summers. My life sucked less, that was all."
Spike nodded again and put one arm around her shoulders. At first it looked like she was about to shrug it off, but then she leaned against him and closed her eyes.
"I wish my life could be simple again," she whispered, almost to quiet for him to hear.
"Like before you died, or maybe before Joyce died?" he asked curiously.
She shook her head.
"No, before I became a Slayer, when my parents where still together. My biggest concern then was which lipstick matched the shirt I was wearing. Now I have to raise a teenage girl, and I have trouble getting enough money to buy food. I have no job, and I dropped out from college. And here I am, in a country I know hardly anything about, to save people I've never met, and I'm held by a vampire. I say my life couldn't get more complicated."
He swallowed uncertainly trying to make his voice sound confident.
"I could leave, if you want," he whispered in her ear, hoping she would say no. But to his disappointment she nodded.
"Maybe that would be best," she said while getting up from the bench. "The sun's coming up, we should get back to the hotel."
"Yes, I guess you're right," he agreed sadly, following her towards the little house where their friends where waiting for them.
~*~
Willow watched the seer closely as they waited for Buffy and Spike to return. She could see that there was something more that Anna wanted to tell but for some reason couldn't.
"What's with the depresso-seer?" she asked humorously, but not really that amused.
"Huh? What?" Anna asked confused. "Depressed? I'm not depressed, I'm just tired."
Willow looked at her suspiciously.
"I thought you said that you didn't sleep," she said nonplussed.
Anna looked down guiltily for a second.
"Yes, right. Bad cover, there," she said apologetically.
Willow gave her a tight smile, trying to look friendly.
"You know, I've heard that I'm a great listener. It's always good to get the things that bother you out in the open," she said cheerfully.
Anna smiled back thankfully.
"Thanks, but I can't. If I would tell you, I would disrupt the balance."
Willow sighed.
"That must be pretty hard, the whole being in the middle thing. It must be very lonely."
Anna shrugged.
"Nah, I have Alex, don't I? But yes, it is hard. Sometimes all I want is just to use my visions to save people, but then I remember that if I did that, even more people would die."
She swallowed hard and smiled lovingly at her niece that had just walked up to them.
"Don't think so much about it, An, there is no use. And total chaos wouldn't exactly help the Slayer to save people. This is you're job, and you've been doing it perfectly for the last two-thousand years, give or take a century," Alexandra said, squeezing her hand.
"Thank you," Anna whispered back. Then she looked at Willow seriously. "Just remember what I told you about the traitor. It will be someone that you would never expect. But this person won't do it out of hate, but out of love. And only love will save you all, and the world. Remember that."
"I will," Willow replies sternly. "Thank you."
Anna smiled.
"You're welcome."
~*~
Giles couldn't help but feel guilty as he saw the young people who where sitting next to him in his car. Willow with her thoughtful expression, probably thinking about Tara, or maybe the girl she'd met earlier, Alexandra. Behind her in the backseat, Spike sat. Giles could see how he did his best looking at Buffy without it being too obvious. They'd probably had had a fight earlier after they'd disappeared from Anna's house. And Dawn staring straight ahead with an unhappy expression, probably thinking about all the things in her life that was so unfair. And then there was Buffy. His Slayer, who always had been so full of life, but now she was only a shell of her former self. She was looking out the window without actually seeing anything, and her eyes where filled with tears that wouldn't fall. God, he would do anything for her, if he thought that it was necessary. But in the last couple of months he'd started to realize that there wasn't really that much he could do. To her --and to the others also-- he was just a middle-aged Englishman that visited them for a while and held quite a lot of knowledge, but not really an important part of their lives anymore. Not as he had been before at least.
He would give anything to be able to help her out, to give her some extra money and give her advice. But he knew it was useless. She was to proud to take anymore money then she'd only taken, and even though she would listen to the advice's she probably wouldn't follow them. So he'd found another way to make things right again. But it was going to be hard, and some of her friend's maybe wouldn't make it, but that was a sacrifice he would have to make. As long as everything ended up as he'd planned it to. As it was supposed to.
~*~
Anna watched as her niece danced around in the kitchen, singing happily. She sighed as she thought about how short Alexandra's happiness would last. But she didn't want to ruin her niece's mood, not when she was so happy.
'Damn you, Rupert Giles,' she thought. 'Damn you.'
~*~
Dawn sat in her room reading. Nothing else to do really, watching TV when you don't understand one word that is said soon looses its appeal. But the book was kind of good, though. All with the vampires and stuff. But as soon as she saw a certain peroxide blond head in the doorway she hid the book. But not fast enough.
"You know that's just a load of bollocks, don't you 'bit? That Anne Rice chick don't know a thing about the undead," he said while sitting down on a chair next to her bed.
"Yeah, you're probably right," Dawn agreed quickly, placing the book on a shelf. "Was it anything special you wanted?" she asked curiously.
Spike leaned back and smiled at her playfully.
"Since when do I need a reason to talk to my niblet?" he asked.
Dawn shrugged and looked away sadly.
"I just mean. Well, you and me haven't been talking for real for at least. A very long time. Not since before Buffy got back, I think."
Spike thought about it for a moment before changing his place so that he sat next to her on the bed instead.
"Dawn," he began softly. "You know that I'm always here for you, right? Buffy and me, it's complicated. But what goes on between me and your sister shouldn't affect our friendship."
Dawn nodded and gave him a hug.
"I know that. But you left because of her. You left and were gone a long time. I know what you did, and I think that it was very wrong. But you didn't have to leave. And then you came back and where all." She looked at him hesitantly.
Spike laughed.
"It's okay, you can say it, I was insane. A total loony."
"Okay, you where insane. But then when you started to get better, you still avoided me," she said sadly.
Spike looked at her in surprise.
"Avoided you? I didn't do that! I would never avoid you, lil'bit. I might have been avoiding Buffy, but not you."
Dawn gave him a nervous smile.
"You promise?" she asked quietly.
Spike gave her a hug and got up from the bed.
"Yes, I promise. And don't you ever forget that you can talk with me about anything. You can trust me," he said softly, smiling gently.
But Dawn looked away from him.
"You said that Buffy could trust you too," she whispered before running out of the room, leaving a sad and guilty Spike behind.
"I know," he whispered after her.
~*~
Buffy slowly got up from her place next to Dawns doors after she'd made sure that her sister was out of sight. She quietly sighed and turned to the vampire that was leaning against the wall. Feelings of sympathy and sorrow washed over her as she saw her former lover trying to fight back the tears in his eyes.
"Are you okay?" she asked softly, sitting down next to him.
Spike shrugged and looked up at her.
"I'm as okay as I deserve," he whispered, his voice cracking.
Buffy smiled and put one hand on his shoulder to comfort him. He quickly pulled back and she looked at him confused.
"What is it?" she asked, afraid he'd gone back to the state he'd been in when he'd first come back. But to her relief he seemed to be quite sane, although very tired.
"'S nothing," he answered. "I just don't like being touched. that's all."
Buffy gave him a worried look.
"Why?" she asked. "Just a couple of hours ago you where holding me, and now you don't want to e touched at all. Talk about mood swings."
Spike sighed and turned away from her.
"It's complicated," he whispered. "Earlier I was wrong, I let myself forget what I've done, not only to you, but all those people I've killed. I can't forget. I WON'T forget. If I do, who says I wont go back out there and do the same again?" he said, on the verge of tears.
"The chip would stop you, you know that," Buffy said, doing her best to sound supporting. "And what brought this on? Was it what Dawn said about trust?"
Now the tears where falling with what seemed like no end. She couldn't help but wish that she could reach out to him, and wipe them of his face, but that would be wrong. It was enough that she'd already kissed him, twice, and she didn't want him to get the wrong idea. Yes she had feelings for him, feelings that kept getting stronger, but she didn't love him. It would be cruel to get his hoped up and then leave him, again. God, she had really treated him badly before. But that was before the soul, he was different now.
"I need to be alone," Spike said quietly, shakily getting up from the floor. Before she had time to respond he was gone.
"I'm sorry," she whispered after him, wishing she could go after him and tell him exactly what she felt for him, but she couldn't. She wasn't even sure herself of her feelings.
TBC