At the threshold of disaster. Or so it seemed.
I'm standing here now, uncertainties thrown aside, in front of the door of my new Homeroom class at Cannon High School. This should be easy for me. It should be easy to throw it all aside, hold my head up, and just do it. But I fear I'm losing it. No, no, I'm not. I can do this. And after all is said and done, it'll be okay. Though it's funny, it seems as though I'm trying to convince rather than reassure myself. Sucking in a deep breath, I reached forward and grasped the cold steel of the door handle, and parted it open with a creak.
Remember when I said teenagers sometimes behave as a pack of stampeding beasts? Well, here's another kicker. If one stares they all do the same. And I never was a fan of scrutiny. Yet here I am, confidently unaware of all these peering eyes, as the teacher rambled off a few details about me. And across the room, guess who's gaze-but I should more accurately say glare-met mine? Hey, I bet I don't even need to answer than one.
He only faltered for a split second, but he was quick to hide it-then erased all traces of emotion from his features, yet continued to stare grimly forward as I quickly slid into the vacant seat next to him. Maybe I could better describe the look on his face-that is, if I'd seen it before. The fact is, I hadn't. It was almost, abashed. Plucking up my old familiar courage, I whispered coolly to him.
"You know, you stare at me almost as if you're hurt".
Evidently, that was not the appropriate choice of words, for I saw a quick flash of anger in his eyes, and then the voice of the instructor cut through my thoughts as I realized he was scolding Heero for his lack of participation. And before I could respond, Heero was standing firmly, and with barely a sound-save the slam of the door behind him-he was gone. My doubts were suddenly ringing true.
I didn't catch up with him again until lunch, where I found him secluded at a table at the far back of the cafeteria. Weaving my way through the crowd, I inadvertently caught the gaze of a young girl off to my left; who was apparently staring at the dark glasses I wore, despite the indoor environment. With a smug expression, I slid them down my nose, and gave a slight smirk, either deviate or mildly innocent. Yet nonetheless, it produced the desired reaction. She immediately flushed as I chuckled, and made my way toward Heero. I never lose.
As I parked myself beside him, it was a clear as ever that idle conversation wasn't his preference then, and it still wasn't now. Try as I might; as I usually did, I attempted to induce him into conversation. He avoided eye contact all together. The tension was getting to me. I was just about the launch into another one of my rambling tangents-when the sound of his voice startled me.
"What are you doing here"?
I guess I panicked. Because I just gave a small laugh.
"Why do you ask"? I responded hastily.
He shook his head curtly.
"Never mind".
So I was being evasive. And I hated it. I just wondered how long he would allow it. So I did the first that came to my mind-I changed the subject.
"What's your next class"? I began, swallowing my nervousness. I could tell by the look on his face he wouldn't accept this tactic.
"Duo". He broke. "Cut the crap".
Before I could react, I heard the bell sound above me, and when I turned back towards the table, he was gone. And I didn't get a chance to talk to him for the rest of the day.
//
I managed to avoid the crowd today after dismissal, and was fortunate enough to catch Heero heading the opposite direction down sidewalk. Struggling to keep up with him, I idly placed my hands behind my head as I kept my pace beside him. I was starting to both hate and fear the silence. Yet I still attempted to keep to my original plan. Though most of the walking was done without a word, much to my displeasure; He managed to thwart my various attempts at conversation. I'm not sure he even wanted me there, as I followed him up the steps into his apartment. In fact I was sure of it.
Without a glance at me, he tossed his textbooks on the floor, and sat down on his desk chair. Closing the door behind me, I took a look around. It seems the surroundings were even plainer than it had seemed the night before. Feeling like an intruder, yet trying my best to hide it-I approached the bookcase. My fingers lightly traced along the bindings of many philosophy works, and I leaned closer to catch their titles. A small grin on my face, I turned to him.
"Taking up a particular reading interest"? I began.
He seemed to ignore my question, because he retorted with one of his own.
"Why are you here"?
I shrank. I'm sure he noticed. Positive of it. Because I felt cornered, and somewhat desperate. I racked my brain for a response.
"You know Heero, I'm beginning to think you're not happy to see me". I returned, with a slight grin.
And turning away, he spoke back to me with a hint of irritation.
"You know, for someone who never lies, you sure run from the truth".
I froze. In despite of my shock, agitation took hold. My brow furrowing, I turned to him with anger.
"If you don't want me here, I'll just leave". I spat.
"Leave then". He said without a trace of apprehension.
I guess I opened in full rage, because I started for the door, and not being able to control myself, I jerked it open, and plunged myself into the afternoon air; kicking the door shut behind me with a swift slam.
I don't recall my thoughts as I bolted down the deserted sidewalk at a pace that surprised even me. The only thing I remember focusing on is my apartment. I had to get there. Had to. Lest I should fall apart. Ironically enough, it became some sort of beacon in my mind, something to focus on so I could bury the trace of anger and hopelessness threatening to surface. A sense of relief passed over me as I caught sight of my complex.
I must have stumbled more than once as I hastily tramped up the steps, and flinging my door wide, flung myself into the empty room, shutting the door quickly behind me. After throwing my jacket off somewhere to the side, and kicking my shoes off along with it, I gathered that I could no longer support my frame as I slowly sank to my knees, back crashing against a wall. Then, I sort of just stayed where I'd fallen, my breath coming out in ragged gasps. My pulse was thundering in my ears. Aspirin. I needed something. Anything to quell the reverberations of my heart pounding in my chest. Something to distract me from the blood pulsing at my temple. Almost instinctively, I caught my head as it fell forward into my hands. Thoughts jumbling in my mind mostly fragments, without literal meaning.
Vaguely I felt my frame slide from the side of the wall to the coldness of the floor. And I didn't really care when my body connected with the carpet, landing with a soft thud. I scarcely felt my legs tangled beneath me, and I didn't really care that my limbs ached from my run, or that my muscles had involuntarily fallen slack. It just seemed like all this wasn't happening to me. I could almost see my listless frame lying on the floor, like I was looking back at all this as if it were a distant memory. My mouth was dry, my legs growing numb, yet I simply didn't care. And here I lie, with words to swear; yet I find myself staring up at the ceiling, eyes unmoving. All around me. Indiscernible images. Stillness. Impenetrable silence. And the frightening realization, that nothing can fill the blackness that had seeped into my chest.
6:17 p.m.
I'm standing here now, uncertainties thrown aside, in front of the door of my new Homeroom class at Cannon High School. This should be easy for me. It should be easy to throw it all aside, hold my head up, and just do it. But I fear I'm losing it. No, no, I'm not. I can do this. And after all is said and done, it'll be okay. Though it's funny, it seems as though I'm trying to convince rather than reassure myself. Sucking in a deep breath, I reached forward and grasped the cold steel of the door handle, and parted it open with a creak.
Remember when I said teenagers sometimes behave as a pack of stampeding beasts? Well, here's another kicker. If one stares they all do the same. And I never was a fan of scrutiny. Yet here I am, confidently unaware of all these peering eyes, as the teacher rambled off a few details about me. And across the room, guess who's gaze-but I should more accurately say glare-met mine? Hey, I bet I don't even need to answer than one.
He only faltered for a split second, but he was quick to hide it-then erased all traces of emotion from his features, yet continued to stare grimly forward as I quickly slid into the vacant seat next to him. Maybe I could better describe the look on his face-that is, if I'd seen it before. The fact is, I hadn't. It was almost, abashed. Plucking up my old familiar courage, I whispered coolly to him.
"You know, you stare at me almost as if you're hurt".
Evidently, that was not the appropriate choice of words, for I saw a quick flash of anger in his eyes, and then the voice of the instructor cut through my thoughts as I realized he was scolding Heero for his lack of participation. And before I could respond, Heero was standing firmly, and with barely a sound-save the slam of the door behind him-he was gone. My doubts were suddenly ringing true.
I didn't catch up with him again until lunch, where I found him secluded at a table at the far back of the cafeteria. Weaving my way through the crowd, I inadvertently caught the gaze of a young girl off to my left; who was apparently staring at the dark glasses I wore, despite the indoor environment. With a smug expression, I slid them down my nose, and gave a slight smirk, either deviate or mildly innocent. Yet nonetheless, it produced the desired reaction. She immediately flushed as I chuckled, and made my way toward Heero. I never lose.
As I parked myself beside him, it was a clear as ever that idle conversation wasn't his preference then, and it still wasn't now. Try as I might; as I usually did, I attempted to induce him into conversation. He avoided eye contact all together. The tension was getting to me. I was just about the launch into another one of my rambling tangents-when the sound of his voice startled me.
"What are you doing here"?
I guess I panicked. Because I just gave a small laugh.
"Why do you ask"? I responded hastily.
He shook his head curtly.
"Never mind".
So I was being evasive. And I hated it. I just wondered how long he would allow it. So I did the first that came to my mind-I changed the subject.
"What's your next class"? I began, swallowing my nervousness. I could tell by the look on his face he wouldn't accept this tactic.
"Duo". He broke. "Cut the crap".
Before I could react, I heard the bell sound above me, and when I turned back towards the table, he was gone. And I didn't get a chance to talk to him for the rest of the day.
//
I managed to avoid the crowd today after dismissal, and was fortunate enough to catch Heero heading the opposite direction down sidewalk. Struggling to keep up with him, I idly placed my hands behind my head as I kept my pace beside him. I was starting to both hate and fear the silence. Yet I still attempted to keep to my original plan. Though most of the walking was done without a word, much to my displeasure; He managed to thwart my various attempts at conversation. I'm not sure he even wanted me there, as I followed him up the steps into his apartment. In fact I was sure of it.
Without a glance at me, he tossed his textbooks on the floor, and sat down on his desk chair. Closing the door behind me, I took a look around. It seems the surroundings were even plainer than it had seemed the night before. Feeling like an intruder, yet trying my best to hide it-I approached the bookcase. My fingers lightly traced along the bindings of many philosophy works, and I leaned closer to catch their titles. A small grin on my face, I turned to him.
"Taking up a particular reading interest"? I began.
He seemed to ignore my question, because he retorted with one of his own.
"Why are you here"?
I shrank. I'm sure he noticed. Positive of it. Because I felt cornered, and somewhat desperate. I racked my brain for a response.
"You know Heero, I'm beginning to think you're not happy to see me". I returned, with a slight grin.
And turning away, he spoke back to me with a hint of irritation.
"You know, for someone who never lies, you sure run from the truth".
I froze. In despite of my shock, agitation took hold. My brow furrowing, I turned to him with anger.
"If you don't want me here, I'll just leave". I spat.
"Leave then". He said without a trace of apprehension.
I guess I opened in full rage, because I started for the door, and not being able to control myself, I jerked it open, and plunged myself into the afternoon air; kicking the door shut behind me with a swift slam.
I don't recall my thoughts as I bolted down the deserted sidewalk at a pace that surprised even me. The only thing I remember focusing on is my apartment. I had to get there. Had to. Lest I should fall apart. Ironically enough, it became some sort of beacon in my mind, something to focus on so I could bury the trace of anger and hopelessness threatening to surface. A sense of relief passed over me as I caught sight of my complex.
I must have stumbled more than once as I hastily tramped up the steps, and flinging my door wide, flung myself into the empty room, shutting the door quickly behind me. After throwing my jacket off somewhere to the side, and kicking my shoes off along with it, I gathered that I could no longer support my frame as I slowly sank to my knees, back crashing against a wall. Then, I sort of just stayed where I'd fallen, my breath coming out in ragged gasps. My pulse was thundering in my ears. Aspirin. I needed something. Anything to quell the reverberations of my heart pounding in my chest. Something to distract me from the blood pulsing at my temple. Almost instinctively, I caught my head as it fell forward into my hands. Thoughts jumbling in my mind mostly fragments, without literal meaning.
Vaguely I felt my frame slide from the side of the wall to the coldness of the floor. And I didn't really care when my body connected with the carpet, landing with a soft thud. I scarcely felt my legs tangled beneath me, and I didn't really care that my limbs ached from my run, or that my muscles had involuntarily fallen slack. It just seemed like all this wasn't happening to me. I could almost see my listless frame lying on the floor, like I was looking back at all this as if it were a distant memory. My mouth was dry, my legs growing numb, yet I simply didn't care. And here I lie, with words to swear; yet I find myself staring up at the ceiling, eyes unmoving. All around me. Indiscernible images. Stillness. Impenetrable silence. And the frightening realization, that nothing can fill the blackness that had seeped into my chest.
6:17 p.m.