The panic of the future rears.
I was having a really good dream. I know that much. Then unexpectedly, a ringing stung my ears, jarring me from my sleep. Somewhere along the line, my whole body-pillow included-had traveled to the opposite end of the bed. Face pressed against the fabric, I raised my head lethargically from the pillow [I actually believe I was drooling on it] and I crawled up to the opposite end of the bed to answer the telephone. I do believe my mouth was still dangling slightly ajar and one of my eyes was partially closed, I'm guessing since my surroundings were blurry. [I told you I wasn't a morning person] Nearly knocking the telephone off the table in my drowsy stupor, I pressed the receiver to my ear.
"Mhello...?" I uttered, slurring my words.
"Duo"! A stern voice shouted at the other end.
Raising an eyebrow in confusion, I answered.
"Who the fhuck is thish"...
Or so it sounded, since I muffled it through a yawn.
"Duo, quit fooling around. You were supposed to report back to headquarters three days ago. What the hell are you doing out there"? The voice demanded.
"Wha..."? I started, beginning to wake up while rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
"What is Heero Yui's status"? She pursued.
"Ohhh...Hey Une". I began. "What's up"? I returned with a chuckle.
"Duo, I haven't any time for this". She objected. I faintly heard yelling in the background and gave a soft smirk.
"Hey...is that Wufy there with ya"? I snickered. "Tell 'em I said hi", I teased.
"Duo". She pressed. "Have you even bothered to contact Heero yet"? And if so, have you mentioned our proposal"? She stated flatly.
"Hey, Hey, Hey"...I soothed, tiring of my game. "These things take time", I added.
I heard her give a curt sigh.
"Look, if I can't trust you to complete this task, I'll send someone else out there to do it for you". She remarked.
I tensed suddenly, more than slightly irritated.
"Since when could you not trust me to do my job"? I snapped.
"It's not you I don't trust, Duo". She retorted. "It's your emotions". And with that, she hung up.
I sat there frozen for a minute, clutching the dead receiver in my hand. What the fuck was that all about?
//
Moments later, I'd dressed myself hastily, not really knowing where to go exactly, but mostly eager to be out of my apartment, lest more phone calls should persist. Shoving my hands into my pockets, I hurried down the stone steps, and took off down the sidewalk, to wherever it was my feet should happen to take me. I wasn't really watching where I was going, since I was mostly staring down at the cement path as my boots scraped along it. I wished I could focus on something else, I just felt, numb. For lack of a better word to describe it. The emotion was all too familiar to me. Since, to be frank, I'd often felt such a sensation while piloting. In fact, I was probably more accustomed to it than one would grasp. At any rate, I didn't like it. The memory was unnerving. And I couldn't really pick out a reason as to why I suddenly felt this way, and it was beginning to aggravate me. When I finally looked up, I managed to gather I'd ended up quite far from the comforts of familiarity, since I had absolutely no idea where I was. Releasing a sigh, I reached up to brush the stray strands of hair from my eyes, when you'll never guess who it was I saw making his way down the same path but a few yards ahead. Christ, do I do this to myself intentionally?
He scarcely seemed to notice me, despite my obvious acknowledgment of him, yet he allowed me to fall into step with him. I was apprehensive, yet still determined not to let my nervousness show. Mustering my courage, I greeted him. "Hey Buddy boy", I managed to pipe up, hoping he didn't notice the slight crack of my voice, which I mentally scolded myself for. I knew I was desperate to keep up a conversation this time, but why I wasn't actually sure. So I resorted to the cliché bantering, which most people exchange. I knew I was trying too hard, which wasn't my usual route of travel. Hurriedly, I scanned my brain for a topic. Anything to keep words flowing. I really was becoming so pathetic.
Catching sight of his apartment, I improvised.
"Should we work on the project today"? I stuttered, trying to so hard to hide the anxiousness in my voice, yet obviously I failed, since Heero gave me a quizzical look. He seemed to give a slight nod in compliance, and if he knew something was slightly amiss, he showed no signs of it.
It seems our procedure of filing into his place had become sort of routine; we'd practiced it so many times. Always him in the front, and me following a couple steps behind. I was wondering to myself why exactly I was so shaky; perhaps it was the events that had transpired earlier. Yet strangely, I seemed to calm down a bit when I got inside. And without really thinking, I shed my jacket and draped it over the countertop.
Not wanting to engage in another staring session, I quickly scanned the surroundings in search of something to occupy myself, as Heero proceeded to ignore my presence, while he busied himself with the computer. I guess my nervousness was becoming more and more obvious, because I have a habit of fidgeting, and I can't seem to sit still. Having no other place, I slowly slid to my feet and sat on the floor. Glancing around, I noticed a nearby stack of books, and sliding over in curiosity, I grabbed the nearest one to me. Propping it up in my lap, I scanned through the pages hastily, yet my interest was waning, I was no philosophy buff. Looking up on a whim, I suddenly became aware of Heero studying my behavior. I smirked a little, and turning the book sideways, shaking the pages I contorted my face in disgust and protested.
"No pictures"...I grimaced, and stuck my tongue out partially, emphasizing my distaste.
A few minutes later, I found myself collapsed on the floor in boredom, my hat covering my face completely, when I heard Heero mutter something about my laziness. Sliding the cap from my features, I looked up in mock surprise.
"Me, never"! I defended.
He was not amused. In fact, I saw him roll his eyes in the reflection of the monitor. I think he then set out to find something for me to occupy myself. Much to my displeasure. Personally, I couldn't give a flying fuck about researching this project-living it was enough. Which is why when he asked me to read the assignment directions, I was more than a little unenthusiastic. In fact, finding nothing more to hold my attention [or at least nothing to crack a joke at] I tossed the paper down at my feet in annoyance. This was obviously a wrong choice of action, for he glared sternly at me just then.
His question didn't surprise me. Why should it not? I think he meant more to ask me why I was being such a cold-hearted bastard, but strangely, his words were kinder.
I couldn't help grinning openly when I responded, tucking the hat back over my mussed hair, shadowing my eyes slightly. After all, what was one life, to death?
Before I knew what I was doing, a course chuckle escaped my lips. Was it my mistake, or did Heero look startled by my response? Or was it bemused? If I hadn't produced such a reaction, maybe I would have told him none of it really phased me at the time. I could tell I'd already gone too far. I guess I was a poor judge of his limits. It was clear this was a touchy subject for him, and the fact that I had shocked him left me feeling cold-or hollow, was that it? I almost disgusted myself just then. Eager to change the subject, I entreated if he would turn some music on, something to fill the gap of silence and lingering resentment. Yet when he complied, I was left in dismay.
Raising my eyebrows at his music choice, I involuntarily felt my right lip coil into a sneer. Propping my chin up onto my hand, I wondered how much more of this I would be forced to endure, but then there was a pause, yet I felt a chill run down my spin as the sound of bells filled the air.
"It sounds like the beginning of mass"...I muttered quietly. His reply caught me off guard, though it really shouldn't have.
"I should think you would be used to it", he defended.
At this, I shrank back in spite of myself, drawing my legs up close to me as I lie on the floor. Hanging my head in recoil, I drew my hands up to dully massage my forehead. I don't know why, but the mere words cut me to the bone, and I knew he sensed it, because his silence ensued.
I wanted to plead with him to continue speaking-speak of anything, I almost implored it. I couldn't do this. I felt myself receding back into my shell unwillingly, but I tried to ignore it, balling my hand into a fist. No, If I give in, the noise...that horrid noise will return...And what frightened me the most, was I didn't think I could get hold of myself if it did. I couldn't let him see me in that state, I convinced myself, and I willed myself focus on something else. Though in my plight, I didn't protest as my eyes slowly closed. The lull of the song was making me drowsy, and I don't really recall when I dully surrendered to sleep.
When I finally awoke, I jumped with a start. I found myself staring at my own face, or it suddenly seemed that way. My eyes widened involuntarily, and when I gathered my wits, I realized Heero was holding my Preventers identification card in front of my face. In fact, he was standing directly above me, and I jolted backwards, sliding away in shock, almost knocking him over with my own leg as I jumped back. Scooting to the far side of the wall, I snaked a hand through my hair, careful to avoid eye contact, for I couldn't help feeling a pang of guilt. Obviously exasperated with me, he retreated, and sank back into his chair. Scrambling to my feet, I tried my best to avoid his gaze, but it seemed his glare held me.
"How long were you leering at me"...I stammered, scratching my head in embarrassment.
"How long have you been a Preventer"? He returned. When I attempted to explain myself, he ignored my efforts at speech, and tossed my wallet back at me, and taking a step back, I caught it in my free hand.
"My beautiful liar, did you think I did not know"? He said calmly.
I involuntarily felt a twinge of anger at the insult of my integrity, yet when I was about to counter, his actions caught me off guard. He smiled openly. He actually smiled. I didn't know whether or not to be amazed, or perplexed. Where had that come from?
I Sighed in defeat, and sank back against the wall. I couldn't help feeling both ashamed, and exposed. Emotions I wasn't used to it, and I hated it. I hated it more than I hated the taunting voice inside my head that reminded me of my dire mistake. When had I let my guard down? I studied the floor absently. And more importantly, what happens now?
9:42 p.m.
I was having a really good dream. I know that much. Then unexpectedly, a ringing stung my ears, jarring me from my sleep. Somewhere along the line, my whole body-pillow included-had traveled to the opposite end of the bed. Face pressed against the fabric, I raised my head lethargically from the pillow [I actually believe I was drooling on it] and I crawled up to the opposite end of the bed to answer the telephone. I do believe my mouth was still dangling slightly ajar and one of my eyes was partially closed, I'm guessing since my surroundings were blurry. [I told you I wasn't a morning person] Nearly knocking the telephone off the table in my drowsy stupor, I pressed the receiver to my ear.
"Mhello...?" I uttered, slurring my words.
"Duo"! A stern voice shouted at the other end.
Raising an eyebrow in confusion, I answered.
"Who the fhuck is thish"...
Or so it sounded, since I muffled it through a yawn.
"Duo, quit fooling around. You were supposed to report back to headquarters three days ago. What the hell are you doing out there"? The voice demanded.
"Wha..."? I started, beginning to wake up while rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
"What is Heero Yui's status"? She pursued.
"Ohhh...Hey Une". I began. "What's up"? I returned with a chuckle.
"Duo, I haven't any time for this". She objected. I faintly heard yelling in the background and gave a soft smirk.
"Hey...is that Wufy there with ya"? I snickered. "Tell 'em I said hi", I teased.
"Duo". She pressed. "Have you even bothered to contact Heero yet"? And if so, have you mentioned our proposal"? She stated flatly.
"Hey, Hey, Hey"...I soothed, tiring of my game. "These things take time", I added.
I heard her give a curt sigh.
"Look, if I can't trust you to complete this task, I'll send someone else out there to do it for you". She remarked.
I tensed suddenly, more than slightly irritated.
"Since when could you not trust me to do my job"? I snapped.
"It's not you I don't trust, Duo". She retorted. "It's your emotions". And with that, she hung up.
I sat there frozen for a minute, clutching the dead receiver in my hand. What the fuck was that all about?
//
Moments later, I'd dressed myself hastily, not really knowing where to go exactly, but mostly eager to be out of my apartment, lest more phone calls should persist. Shoving my hands into my pockets, I hurried down the stone steps, and took off down the sidewalk, to wherever it was my feet should happen to take me. I wasn't really watching where I was going, since I was mostly staring down at the cement path as my boots scraped along it. I wished I could focus on something else, I just felt, numb. For lack of a better word to describe it. The emotion was all too familiar to me. Since, to be frank, I'd often felt such a sensation while piloting. In fact, I was probably more accustomed to it than one would grasp. At any rate, I didn't like it. The memory was unnerving. And I couldn't really pick out a reason as to why I suddenly felt this way, and it was beginning to aggravate me. When I finally looked up, I managed to gather I'd ended up quite far from the comforts of familiarity, since I had absolutely no idea where I was. Releasing a sigh, I reached up to brush the stray strands of hair from my eyes, when you'll never guess who it was I saw making his way down the same path but a few yards ahead. Christ, do I do this to myself intentionally?
He scarcely seemed to notice me, despite my obvious acknowledgment of him, yet he allowed me to fall into step with him. I was apprehensive, yet still determined not to let my nervousness show. Mustering my courage, I greeted him. "Hey Buddy boy", I managed to pipe up, hoping he didn't notice the slight crack of my voice, which I mentally scolded myself for. I knew I was desperate to keep up a conversation this time, but why I wasn't actually sure. So I resorted to the cliché bantering, which most people exchange. I knew I was trying too hard, which wasn't my usual route of travel. Hurriedly, I scanned my brain for a topic. Anything to keep words flowing. I really was becoming so pathetic.
Catching sight of his apartment, I improvised.
"Should we work on the project today"? I stuttered, trying to so hard to hide the anxiousness in my voice, yet obviously I failed, since Heero gave me a quizzical look. He seemed to give a slight nod in compliance, and if he knew something was slightly amiss, he showed no signs of it.
It seems our procedure of filing into his place had become sort of routine; we'd practiced it so many times. Always him in the front, and me following a couple steps behind. I was wondering to myself why exactly I was so shaky; perhaps it was the events that had transpired earlier. Yet strangely, I seemed to calm down a bit when I got inside. And without really thinking, I shed my jacket and draped it over the countertop.
Not wanting to engage in another staring session, I quickly scanned the surroundings in search of something to occupy myself, as Heero proceeded to ignore my presence, while he busied himself with the computer. I guess my nervousness was becoming more and more obvious, because I have a habit of fidgeting, and I can't seem to sit still. Having no other place, I slowly slid to my feet and sat on the floor. Glancing around, I noticed a nearby stack of books, and sliding over in curiosity, I grabbed the nearest one to me. Propping it up in my lap, I scanned through the pages hastily, yet my interest was waning, I was no philosophy buff. Looking up on a whim, I suddenly became aware of Heero studying my behavior. I smirked a little, and turning the book sideways, shaking the pages I contorted my face in disgust and protested.
"No pictures"...I grimaced, and stuck my tongue out partially, emphasizing my distaste.
A few minutes later, I found myself collapsed on the floor in boredom, my hat covering my face completely, when I heard Heero mutter something about my laziness. Sliding the cap from my features, I looked up in mock surprise.
"Me, never"! I defended.
He was not amused. In fact, I saw him roll his eyes in the reflection of the monitor. I think he then set out to find something for me to occupy myself. Much to my displeasure. Personally, I couldn't give a flying fuck about researching this project-living it was enough. Which is why when he asked me to read the assignment directions, I was more than a little unenthusiastic. In fact, finding nothing more to hold my attention [or at least nothing to crack a joke at] I tossed the paper down at my feet in annoyance. This was obviously a wrong choice of action, for he glared sternly at me just then.
His question didn't surprise me. Why should it not? I think he meant more to ask me why I was being such a cold-hearted bastard, but strangely, his words were kinder.
I couldn't help grinning openly when I responded, tucking the hat back over my mussed hair, shadowing my eyes slightly. After all, what was one life, to death?
Before I knew what I was doing, a course chuckle escaped my lips. Was it my mistake, or did Heero look startled by my response? Or was it bemused? If I hadn't produced such a reaction, maybe I would have told him none of it really phased me at the time. I could tell I'd already gone too far. I guess I was a poor judge of his limits. It was clear this was a touchy subject for him, and the fact that I had shocked him left me feeling cold-or hollow, was that it? I almost disgusted myself just then. Eager to change the subject, I entreated if he would turn some music on, something to fill the gap of silence and lingering resentment. Yet when he complied, I was left in dismay.
Raising my eyebrows at his music choice, I involuntarily felt my right lip coil into a sneer. Propping my chin up onto my hand, I wondered how much more of this I would be forced to endure, but then there was a pause, yet I felt a chill run down my spin as the sound of bells filled the air.
"It sounds like the beginning of mass"...I muttered quietly. His reply caught me off guard, though it really shouldn't have.
"I should think you would be used to it", he defended.
At this, I shrank back in spite of myself, drawing my legs up close to me as I lie on the floor. Hanging my head in recoil, I drew my hands up to dully massage my forehead. I don't know why, but the mere words cut me to the bone, and I knew he sensed it, because his silence ensued.
I wanted to plead with him to continue speaking-speak of anything, I almost implored it. I couldn't do this. I felt myself receding back into my shell unwillingly, but I tried to ignore it, balling my hand into a fist. No, If I give in, the noise...that horrid noise will return...And what frightened me the most, was I didn't think I could get hold of myself if it did. I couldn't let him see me in that state, I convinced myself, and I willed myself focus on something else. Though in my plight, I didn't protest as my eyes slowly closed. The lull of the song was making me drowsy, and I don't really recall when I dully surrendered to sleep.
When I finally awoke, I jumped with a start. I found myself staring at my own face, or it suddenly seemed that way. My eyes widened involuntarily, and when I gathered my wits, I realized Heero was holding my Preventers identification card in front of my face. In fact, he was standing directly above me, and I jolted backwards, sliding away in shock, almost knocking him over with my own leg as I jumped back. Scooting to the far side of the wall, I snaked a hand through my hair, careful to avoid eye contact, for I couldn't help feeling a pang of guilt. Obviously exasperated with me, he retreated, and sank back into his chair. Scrambling to my feet, I tried my best to avoid his gaze, but it seemed his glare held me.
"How long were you leering at me"...I stammered, scratching my head in embarrassment.
"How long have you been a Preventer"? He returned. When I attempted to explain myself, he ignored my efforts at speech, and tossed my wallet back at me, and taking a step back, I caught it in my free hand.
"My beautiful liar, did you think I did not know"? He said calmly.
I involuntarily felt a twinge of anger at the insult of my integrity, yet when I was about to counter, his actions caught me off guard. He smiled openly. He actually smiled. I didn't know whether or not to be amazed, or perplexed. Where had that come from?
I Sighed in defeat, and sank back against the wall. I couldn't help feeling both ashamed, and exposed. Emotions I wasn't used to it, and I hated it. I hated it more than I hated the taunting voice inside my head that reminded me of my dire mistake. When had I let my guard down? I studied the floor absently. And more importantly, what happens now?
9:42 p.m.