Is it All Worth Living?
My name... like anyone really cares right now. Its Jeff Hardy.. yeah I used to be cook, adored by women.. my brother held me in the highest of regards, so did Lita. I would stun millions and dye my hair. It was cool, it was me, I was into the whole punk goth poetic scene. I was the hottest guy in the WWF. Fuck the WWE. But its all gone now.
My brother hates me. My fans disowned me, Lita, my best friend walked away from me. And its all my fault. I turn to my poetry now...I turn on my words...because I have nothing left, not even myself. Yeah...Its the new millenium its the new age to experiment with your sexuality, with drugs. Generation Fix, to stop the fucking wars and shit. But that didnt stop anyone. Hate is still apparently strong here.
But it didnt matter to me. And it didnt matter to my fans. It didnt matter to my brother, and Lita. It tore them all apart when they found out that I was gay, and I was with Raven. They tore themselves up inside and questioned every night through their sleep why I was. Because of some events that occured months ago, I have shattered several lives...and I'm hanging onto my own, but I am willing to give it up. Its not worth the "boos" and jeers, its not worth the evil looks from Matt every time he sees me in the hall way....its not worth living for anymore.
Two years ago, I saw Kane with his head in the air held high, and I saw him climb that bridge. I saw him jump....I cant say much more because the thought of watching a friend or acquaintence take his own life--it just rips me apart that I havent told anyone....anyone but him. Him being Scott Levy, Raven. The dark depressing man who for a short while put beauty and light in my heart. As I ran from my location, adredaline rushing through me, I went to the hotel, and before my door I sank on the balconey and started crying. I was too young to see that shit, I was still a boy at the time. What was I going to do when Kane became missing? And if I was to tell them, later on Id get these acusing eyes? His brother maybe saying I forved him to?
I opened my eyes and there before me was Raven. Wearing his usual get up. I was angry at first, and snapped at him to leave me alone. I didnt want his company I was fine I could take care of myself. I buried my head deeper between my knees, as far as I could go. But Raven was still there. He kneeled down before me and asked me to go into my room. I was a mess...that he wanted to know what was wrong, because he cared. I let him lead me to the bathroom where he stripped me and put me in a warm bath. The tears were still rolling down my face, though now it was a more quiet sob. I screamed at him that Matt and Lita would be back from their date. he didnt leave. He didnt say anything mean, he just gently told me that they were to be out longer than expected.
I felt silly being bathed by another grown man. But I let him. He spoke soothing words and he gently leaked out of me what the problem was. I made him promise to me that it would remain a secret, that I saw Kane's death. He agreed. He let me out of the tub, telling me that my hair is going to need a new dye job, I smiled. Why was he doing this? As I let him sit and bloy dry my hair with Lita's hair dryer, he spoke to me a poem of his. Which sounded more of a nursery rhyme. He led me to the bed, and tucked me in all as if I were a child. "Sleep now, Jeffykins. I will see you tommorrow."
I did see him the next day. He was outside on the balcony drinking a soda. I asked where my brother was and he just told me that they went sight seeing again. He pushed me back into the room. I thanked him for helping me last night. Raven sat on the bed and motioned me toward him. He pulled my hair, and brought me to my knees. He then kissed my forehead.
"You are going to be my pet." He spoke. He continued, I would be his solace from pain and all these thoughts came rushing through my head. "I know that you are quite a dish to the females.....as I am. But we can keep this relationship private. I have had an interest in you for sometime my Jeffykins." I only nodded. This was going to have to do. I listened to my heart and it told me this is the way it should be. Raven kissed my lips.
He commanded me to remove his shoes, his clothing, as he gave me feather light kisses on my shoulders and neck. He commanded me to remove my clothing and I did, afraid. I knew what was to happen...I just didnt know how or what was expected. I was just lost at the moment. Im not going to get into the details of that day....they are far too personal...far to painful to remember.
I began staying with Raven at the hotels, claiming Matt and Lita needed their own space, which well, they didnt care much. My days with Raven were happy, and painful...he insisted that we listened to Nine Inch Nails during our sex, and it made him violent. I was in pain. Always his featherlight kisses always soothed me. About 7 months into my relationship I noticed a girl backstage, and I fell in love with her over the course of time. Raven grew angry with me....reluctantly I ended the relationship. He helped build me, he soothed me....but I had to let him go.
Her name I wish not to mention. She has a past of hurt in my life...but she was my replacement for Raven. She was so innocent, but I grew into the habit of rough sex, and I would always hurt her, no matter what music we ended listening to-- I had hurt her. One time I got mad at her for crying, and I slapped her hard enough. She left me...I later read in a newspaper that she had killed herself....again Raven was at my doorstep.
He continued the relationship until a while ago.... and he made it all horrid ordeal. He went to Madison Square Garden and told the whole world what a "Flaming Queer" I was. That He only continued the relationship because I was that damn pathetic....the one person I knew wouldnt turn on me did. It hurt me. That night I bunked with Matt and Lita...but they couldnt look at me. I had several lovers the next few months, but I ended up hurting them women and men. Soon I was alone in the dressing room, alone in the hotels. The image of Kane beckoned me inside. The storywriters played off my misery and made me fight Raven. It was painful to touch him. In the end, he won... I was left rolling out of the ring. Trying to get up, to erase the pain in my mind....when I heard his voice. He told them about Kane.
It was a horrible silence. His first words were "Kane" which immeadiatly shut them up...then he said how I saw him do it...and I never reported it. It was true, had I reported it...Kane would have been found that night.. and not a few weeks later. I was alone now. The rest of the superstars looked at me with empty eyes. The Undertaker glared at me with all the hate in the world. I rarely had a fan to come up to me. I had a string of lovers behind me all hurting, I was hurting, My brother not caring about me.
so I sit here now. In the same town I started with Levy. The mirror is in front of me. No. The WWE isnt here either. I came here on my own to try and create peace within. Im bisexual if not fully gay. Im a coward. Im evil for hurting those that I loved..I have this rope...this noose....and I ask myself....
is it all worth living?
My name... like anyone really cares right now. Its Jeff Hardy.. yeah I used to be cook, adored by women.. my brother held me in the highest of regards, so did Lita. I would stun millions and dye my hair. It was cool, it was me, I was into the whole punk goth poetic scene. I was the hottest guy in the WWF. Fuck the WWE. But its all gone now.
My brother hates me. My fans disowned me, Lita, my best friend walked away from me. And its all my fault. I turn to my poetry now...I turn on my words...because I have nothing left, not even myself. Yeah...Its the new millenium its the new age to experiment with your sexuality, with drugs. Generation Fix, to stop the fucking wars and shit. But that didnt stop anyone. Hate is still apparently strong here.
But it didnt matter to me. And it didnt matter to my fans. It didnt matter to my brother, and Lita. It tore them all apart when they found out that I was gay, and I was with Raven. They tore themselves up inside and questioned every night through their sleep why I was. Because of some events that occured months ago, I have shattered several lives...and I'm hanging onto my own, but I am willing to give it up. Its not worth the "boos" and jeers, its not worth the evil looks from Matt every time he sees me in the hall way....its not worth living for anymore.
Two years ago, I saw Kane with his head in the air held high, and I saw him climb that bridge. I saw him jump....I cant say much more because the thought of watching a friend or acquaintence take his own life--it just rips me apart that I havent told anyone....anyone but him. Him being Scott Levy, Raven. The dark depressing man who for a short while put beauty and light in my heart. As I ran from my location, adredaline rushing through me, I went to the hotel, and before my door I sank on the balconey and started crying. I was too young to see that shit, I was still a boy at the time. What was I going to do when Kane became missing? And if I was to tell them, later on Id get these acusing eyes? His brother maybe saying I forved him to?
I opened my eyes and there before me was Raven. Wearing his usual get up. I was angry at first, and snapped at him to leave me alone. I didnt want his company I was fine I could take care of myself. I buried my head deeper between my knees, as far as I could go. But Raven was still there. He kneeled down before me and asked me to go into my room. I was a mess...that he wanted to know what was wrong, because he cared. I let him lead me to the bathroom where he stripped me and put me in a warm bath. The tears were still rolling down my face, though now it was a more quiet sob. I screamed at him that Matt and Lita would be back from their date. he didnt leave. He didnt say anything mean, he just gently told me that they were to be out longer than expected.
I felt silly being bathed by another grown man. But I let him. He spoke soothing words and he gently leaked out of me what the problem was. I made him promise to me that it would remain a secret, that I saw Kane's death. He agreed. He let me out of the tub, telling me that my hair is going to need a new dye job, I smiled. Why was he doing this? As I let him sit and bloy dry my hair with Lita's hair dryer, he spoke to me a poem of his. Which sounded more of a nursery rhyme. He led me to the bed, and tucked me in all as if I were a child. "Sleep now, Jeffykins. I will see you tommorrow."
I did see him the next day. He was outside on the balcony drinking a soda. I asked where my brother was and he just told me that they went sight seeing again. He pushed me back into the room. I thanked him for helping me last night. Raven sat on the bed and motioned me toward him. He pulled my hair, and brought me to my knees. He then kissed my forehead.
"You are going to be my pet." He spoke. He continued, I would be his solace from pain and all these thoughts came rushing through my head. "I know that you are quite a dish to the females.....as I am. But we can keep this relationship private. I have had an interest in you for sometime my Jeffykins." I only nodded. This was going to have to do. I listened to my heart and it told me this is the way it should be. Raven kissed my lips.
He commanded me to remove his shoes, his clothing, as he gave me feather light kisses on my shoulders and neck. He commanded me to remove my clothing and I did, afraid. I knew what was to happen...I just didnt know how or what was expected. I was just lost at the moment. Im not going to get into the details of that day....they are far too personal...far to painful to remember.
I began staying with Raven at the hotels, claiming Matt and Lita needed their own space, which well, they didnt care much. My days with Raven were happy, and painful...he insisted that we listened to Nine Inch Nails during our sex, and it made him violent. I was in pain. Always his featherlight kisses always soothed me. About 7 months into my relationship I noticed a girl backstage, and I fell in love with her over the course of time. Raven grew angry with me....reluctantly I ended the relationship. He helped build me, he soothed me....but I had to let him go.
Her name I wish not to mention. She has a past of hurt in my life...but she was my replacement for Raven. She was so innocent, but I grew into the habit of rough sex, and I would always hurt her, no matter what music we ended listening to-- I had hurt her. One time I got mad at her for crying, and I slapped her hard enough. She left me...I later read in a newspaper that she had killed herself....again Raven was at my doorstep.
He continued the relationship until a while ago.... and he made it all horrid ordeal. He went to Madison Square Garden and told the whole world what a "Flaming Queer" I was. That He only continued the relationship because I was that damn pathetic....the one person I knew wouldnt turn on me did. It hurt me. That night I bunked with Matt and Lita...but they couldnt look at me. I had several lovers the next few months, but I ended up hurting them women and men. Soon I was alone in the dressing room, alone in the hotels. The image of Kane beckoned me inside. The storywriters played off my misery and made me fight Raven. It was painful to touch him. In the end, he won... I was left rolling out of the ring. Trying to get up, to erase the pain in my mind....when I heard his voice. He told them about Kane.
It was a horrible silence. His first words were "Kane" which immeadiatly shut them up...then he said how I saw him do it...and I never reported it. It was true, had I reported it...Kane would have been found that night.. and not a few weeks later. I was alone now. The rest of the superstars looked at me with empty eyes. The Undertaker glared at me with all the hate in the world. I rarely had a fan to come up to me. I had a string of lovers behind me all hurting, I was hurting, My brother not caring about me.
so I sit here now. In the same town I started with Levy. The mirror is in front of me. No. The WWE isnt here either. I came here on my own to try and create peace within. Im bisexual if not fully gay. Im a coward. Im evil for hurting those that I loved..I have this rope...this noose....and I ask myself....
is it all worth living?