(A/N: I love Aragorn. I do. And Boromir and the hobbits and even Elrond.
And I don't think Legolas is a brainless pretty boy. Although if you'd like
to know I do think he is very, very, very pretty. I mean VERY, VERY - okay
sorry I'll stop. *Kidnaps Legolas from the fellowship and runs away (My
precious!!!!) Just thought I would make that clear before somebody reads
this and murders me.)
The prettiest
By Legolas Greenleaf
My name is Legolas and this is my story. About me. The elf. You know? The one with the perfect hair and looks and everything? I'd like to begin by erasing any doubt in your mind what-so-ever by saying that I am the prettiest member of the fellowship. Not Gandalf, Gimli, Boromir, or any of the hobbits. And most certainly not Aragorn - who has recently been rumored to be as pretty as - even prettier than - me.
Which is just downright insane.
I arrived at the council of Elrond. See, I was there in place of my father. You know I'm a prince, right? An elvish prince. And definitely the prettiest one I've ever seen. So anyway I was there, right? Being the prettiest. And then Elrond stands up and starts talking about the one ring and blah, blah, blah. And I just would like to clarify that I don't care. I mean, people think the ring is pretty, right? Well if I want to see something really pretty, all I have to do is look in my compact mirror. Now I am precious.
So I'm sitting there (prettily) like 'I don't care, okay?'. And then this other guy gets up and - get this - tries to take the ring. And I'm all 'No you didn't'. And I look across the room at my (straight) friend Aragorn and he like rolls his eyes and I am laughing because Aragorn is totally funny (but definitely not as funny - or pretty - as me). And then Gandalf does this scary voice thing, and I look elvishly tragic and pretty, which really isn't that hard at all because well.as I said before:
I am the prettiest.
So Elrond gets up all rubbing his head and I'm like "That is sooo not attractive. I mean if he was pretty like me.but never mind. He's not. And neither is anyone else. Because that's, like, totally impossible. And you know why, right?
So then Boromir - I mean what kind of creepy, unpretty name is that - gets up again and starts telling everyone that we should give the ring to Gondor - his, like, homeland? And I was like 'No, you really didn't.' I mean, truth-be-told I kind of wanted the ring. I mean not like it even compares in prettiness to me at all, but why shouldn't two very pretty (though one *ahem* is much prettier than the other) belong together? The ring should not go to Gondor.
But I won't say anything. That would be really, really tacky. I give Aragorn a look. He thinks it's tacky too. But he's going to do it anyway. I know. I mean - have you seen the state of his clothes. Er-lack. Talk about clearance rack. And don't even get me started on his hair. It's so greasy I'm afraid it's just going to slide right off his head and, like.kill somebody. I mean, I doubt he's even heard of shampoo, let alone the highly expensive salon brand I use. But after all, what can be expected from someone who is so obviously not the prettiest?
So he gets up - right? And he-who-has-greasy-hair starts fighting with the guy. Like not fighting, fighting. But, like, disagreeing? So I'm like 'Where's my fat-free salt-less not greasy popcorn?' and watching them, like, fighting - because it's funny. But since I am a pretty elf - the prettiest as a matter-of-fact - I couldn't let my friend get put down.
So when Boromir says something really uncalled for about Aragorn just being a mere ranger, I stand up - prettily of course. "This is no mere ranger," I say, looking superhot and dramatic, "This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance." Which was sooo clever. And I give him this look like, "Come and get it - but not really because I don't want to break a nail on your tacky haircut.'
And he's all stunned and I'm all, 'Haha punk kid'. And then Aragorn tells me to sit down. Seriously! Me! Sit down! And I'm so surprised, so I like, do. But I quickly recovered and gave Boromir a very shady-elf look - still managing to stay as pretty as ever. The effect was a nice brooding defiant sort of look that I was really happy with. I must remember to use that later.
And then Elrond tells us someone has to go to some evil crap Mordor place and destroy the ring. And this little hobbit-thing is all 'I'll do it' and I was like 'Now he's going to make me look bad - being all stupid brave'. So not pretty. And I just know Aragorn is going to go. And I was right because a second later he's all "You have my sword"
So what is the-prettiest-elf-in-all-of-middle-earth-and-most-likely-the- rest-of-the-world to do?
"And you have my bow"
The prettiest
By Legolas Greenleaf
My name is Legolas and this is my story. About me. The elf. You know? The one with the perfect hair and looks and everything? I'd like to begin by erasing any doubt in your mind what-so-ever by saying that I am the prettiest member of the fellowship. Not Gandalf, Gimli, Boromir, or any of the hobbits. And most certainly not Aragorn - who has recently been rumored to be as pretty as - even prettier than - me.
Which is just downright insane.
I arrived at the council of Elrond. See, I was there in place of my father. You know I'm a prince, right? An elvish prince. And definitely the prettiest one I've ever seen. So anyway I was there, right? Being the prettiest. And then Elrond stands up and starts talking about the one ring and blah, blah, blah. And I just would like to clarify that I don't care. I mean, people think the ring is pretty, right? Well if I want to see something really pretty, all I have to do is look in my compact mirror. Now I am precious.
So I'm sitting there (prettily) like 'I don't care, okay?'. And then this other guy gets up and - get this - tries to take the ring. And I'm all 'No you didn't'. And I look across the room at my (straight) friend Aragorn and he like rolls his eyes and I am laughing because Aragorn is totally funny (but definitely not as funny - or pretty - as me). And then Gandalf does this scary voice thing, and I look elvishly tragic and pretty, which really isn't that hard at all because well.as I said before:
I am the prettiest.
So Elrond gets up all rubbing his head and I'm like "That is sooo not attractive. I mean if he was pretty like me.but never mind. He's not. And neither is anyone else. Because that's, like, totally impossible. And you know why, right?
So then Boromir - I mean what kind of creepy, unpretty name is that - gets up again and starts telling everyone that we should give the ring to Gondor - his, like, homeland? And I was like 'No, you really didn't.' I mean, truth-be-told I kind of wanted the ring. I mean not like it even compares in prettiness to me at all, but why shouldn't two very pretty (though one *ahem* is much prettier than the other) belong together? The ring should not go to Gondor.
But I won't say anything. That would be really, really tacky. I give Aragorn a look. He thinks it's tacky too. But he's going to do it anyway. I know. I mean - have you seen the state of his clothes. Er-lack. Talk about clearance rack. And don't even get me started on his hair. It's so greasy I'm afraid it's just going to slide right off his head and, like.kill somebody. I mean, I doubt he's even heard of shampoo, let alone the highly expensive salon brand I use. But after all, what can be expected from someone who is so obviously not the prettiest?
So he gets up - right? And he-who-has-greasy-hair starts fighting with the guy. Like not fighting, fighting. But, like, disagreeing? So I'm like 'Where's my fat-free salt-less not greasy popcorn?' and watching them, like, fighting - because it's funny. But since I am a pretty elf - the prettiest as a matter-of-fact - I couldn't let my friend get put down.
So when Boromir says something really uncalled for about Aragorn just being a mere ranger, I stand up - prettily of course. "This is no mere ranger," I say, looking superhot and dramatic, "This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance." Which was sooo clever. And I give him this look like, "Come and get it - but not really because I don't want to break a nail on your tacky haircut.'
And he's all stunned and I'm all, 'Haha punk kid'. And then Aragorn tells me to sit down. Seriously! Me! Sit down! And I'm so surprised, so I like, do. But I quickly recovered and gave Boromir a very shady-elf look - still managing to stay as pretty as ever. The effect was a nice brooding defiant sort of look that I was really happy with. I must remember to use that later.
And then Elrond tells us someone has to go to some evil crap Mordor place and destroy the ring. And this little hobbit-thing is all 'I'll do it' and I was like 'Now he's going to make me look bad - being all stupid brave'. So not pretty. And I just know Aragorn is going to go. And I was right because a second later he's all "You have my sword"
So what is the-prettiest-elf-in-all-of-middle-earth-and-most-likely-the- rest-of-the-world to do?
"And you have my bow"