Disclaimer: ** repeats standard disclaim in all previous fics **
Note: I resume my trademark, Japanese title for my stories. ('don't do this to me' and sequel 'cruel intentions' are my only titles in English) *sighs* my progress is so slow dammit, I crashed my other pc with the net and I'm banished to ever use it again, so no time to have it beta-read to my sempais T-T. But the heck, this won't stop me. Again, this thing is YAOI material (male to male) and is rated R if you what it means **repeats standard warning OT rant** ( this time to my old viewers-I'm warning you it's both DEEPLY angsty and hardcore at the same time for the next few parts to follow. This is not Thomas x Karl incest, Van x Raven, or Thomas x Raven either O.o; it's Thomas x Irvine--- as I was inspired in 'cookies'! *waves to ninetails-sempai* Story told according to Irvine's P.O.V, and a heavy Thomas angst -a three part ficcie-
Abata mo Ekibo (Love is Blind)
by RaVen0us
Part one: Genesis
He was just another team member, assigned along with Flyheight. When I first met Colonel Schubaltz younger brother, Thomas, he's not practically any concern to me. Since he is just with us because Van and him are working both side of the GF alliance, he is just another person I had to contend with an ego as big as Van's--since he has an ego as big as Van's or probably bigger, I paid not that much attention to him. Although it's an advantage to have a technical genius working by side, he could sound a bit arrogant at times and go brain-free the next, just by the mere sight of Fiona. It's one of those few moments I could see a grown man almost cry, just the thought of his pangs are unrequited. Anyway, we went through joining forces in some missions, and by the end of the season I sailed along with them comfortably paying absolutely no attention to him. Since he is just an allied member, and has known him only in just month's time, there is no possible way we could have got along each other that much.
My assumption is wrong.
Near the end of the year, he began that obnoxious *clinging* to me, that perhaps a young child with an older role model might be capable of. He began his daily messages through his com link through mine when we are piloting our zoids, and I dismissed them as another 'lesser' friend I had to talk to. I found his personality strikingly odd, as he continually asked questions regarding sex. Let it be known that I had been (and still am) a jerk my entire life, never once having sex, and hardly *thinking* about it. (I'm rather unique in that way, I suppose, as I soon found out later in my life that 99% of the Zi's human population is controlled by sex.) I answered Thomas' questions, simply in hopes that he would just leave me to talk with the gang, Van, Moon bay and the others. It didn't work that way. He just kept inching closer and closer to me, and without me knowing it, we had become rather close friends by mid-summer. Somehow my continued, absent- minded responses to his messages had let him squeeze his way into a rather large part of my life. I believe there was one thing he told me that made me realize how attached we had become as friends: "The nerve of that Van Flyheight, he thinks we are gay lovers!" he once remarked, looking quite irritated but not furious.
That absolutely blew my mind, and not in a good way! I have never even given a thought to his sexuality, or my own for that matter. I had always taken myself to be heterosexual, and as I said before, uninterested in sex. I finally settled down and realized that it's just another one of Van's annoying comments, no big deal. We aren't lovers, and never would be. We could make a big joke out of this, especially to Van---and we did. We started joking around with the idea, until I think it was Moon bay who became completely convinced that we were in fact lovers and constantly told Van everything about it. It was worth the act, seeing the expression of Van's face, he have lost his appetite for almost a week! I and Thomas became so close, that we had our weekly drinking sessions---starting out in the late afternoon that will last through the whole evening, talking about the happenings the whole week, the piloting and strategizing with the use of our zoids, the upcoming battles ahead and the possible obstacle we might encounter and so forth.
By this time, he had been slowly revealing to me that he was an abused child, both beaten and molested. He continued to tell me by his early teenage years, he was raped almost every week---by his own very brother I know he always looked up to, Karl. I nearly puked when he told me. I know Karl has always been the aloof type, but I never knew he was capable of doing such sick perverse act. Thomas confessed that he might have gone crazy himself, haven't it been for his passion with machines. Machines, the only thing he cares about and became thoroughly good at, because there is nothing left in him he felt is worth. Working with technical matters made him feel easier, taking off the drudgery of the dark secret he harbored deep within his soul. But it was such a predicament, that there was none to tell or turn to, so there was no way out. I had never imagined that this a 'real' life, I never even realized that type of behavior was actually happening to 'real' people---people I knew. Being as ignorant as I was about these types of situations, I figured he was one in a million people that this happens to, and immediately felt an intense sense of pity and guilt for him. I grew to care about him so much as a friend I didn't want harm to be inflicted upon him. I felt the same way about all my friends, but this one was the first one who was actually in some type of danger. I could never provide any help for him, and he always have this lethargic helplessness and contained fear, so hidden at times in his expression but not in his eyes, as he will stand and salute his brother who at time to time visit the place for briefing in mission updates. He fears Karl, he detests and fears the brother he grew to be his hero---and later had painfully betrayed him in life. If there is the only way to get back to his feet, is to prove his worth he could be better than Karl and that he would get the recognition he so deserved.
I became increasingly frustrated with myself and my not being to help him. I felt extremely protective of him, (which is pretty unlike me) as if he had become my responsibility when he became a close friend of mine. I only wanted his pain to go away so he could have a better life, and I was willing to give my own self up if it would have helped. I did mention the feelings I just mentioned, and at one time we have a buddy drinking session and in between 2 shots of vodkas, Thomas said something of how sweet of me to genuinely care and how grateful he is that I keep his secret. 'Sweet' is an adjective that I wouldn't have used about a friend, even a close one. I began thinking about all that was involved in our friendship, including the 'lovers' idea, and all of he somewhat expected comments about me and the others. I finally realized that, maybe, he liked me more than a friend. This epiphany brought me into an even more trouble some predicament. Since he liked me, and wanted to become 'more than friends', if I rejected it I may cause him more pain in his life, and, obviously, he needed none of that, especially from his closest confidant. However, I am NOT gay! I refused to think that. But, I did remember what I said to him. And my loyalty to him-that I was willing to give myself up to make his own life better.
*****
On some random day, he and I were chatting while in a drinking spree as we often did after a mission or a patrol, he mentioned that Van once again was commenting about us being gay lovers again. He suggested we give him what he wanted, and I agreed. I could've used a good laugh that day and would like to see Van face vault then go mental for few days time.
We began with stereotypical 'sweet nothings', as most young couples in love might say to each other. Unfortunately, one time, I had thought Van was out of the room and the conversation began to get---"weird", Thomas wondered what is like to kiss a woman, particularly 'Miss Fiona' then did Van's attention totally zoomed to 100 percent to our conversation. I told him that he needs to practice, and the he can show his technique on me, and pretend I'm Fiona. It was really priceless to see the expression on Van's face especially when I brought up my lips to Thomas' mouth and we kissed each other-more than a pucker that is. We talked this about this once, in our com links, while we are undergoing some stimulation program for an upcoming battle.
"Damn, That was hilarious! What do you think he thinks?"
"He thinks it's sick---his eyes were tearing up!" I laughed, imaging Flyheight stumbling out of the room with a strong urge to puke. My stomach start to hurt from laughing to hard, thinking that the pilot wouldn't have the guts to get near us EVER this whole week duration because of that!
"Did you really mean what you did?"
That last line caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting that at all---I had been thing that he 'liked' me in that way for the past few weeks or so, but I wasn't ready with a well thought out answer for that question yet. I was in panic, pondering what I should do, what should I say. I couldn't hurt him; I cared too much about his well being. He had already attempted suicide before he thought I didn't consider him a friend (and I hadn't, at that time). I couldn't let him like himself because of me. Of course, it seemed odd that he would kill himself, but I dismissed it amongst the other different things about him because of the abuse. I'd imagine that it had to be a horrible experience, and it must have affected him in too many ways to know. I knew I had to say yes, somehow-yet I didn't want to.
I didn't mean anything I said or did; it was all in good fun for me. But I couldn't tell him no.
"Thomas, I don't want to freak you out or anything-but-yeah. A little bit."
Soon after I said that message at the monitor screen, he sent me another, but this time an encoded audio message so that Van could not understand (who can connect to our com links anytime and is with us also through out the practice), telling me that Van is trying to communicate through his com link receiver just about now. I couldn't believe it! When he asked me the question, it was for Van's show again! I had just screwed myself over and gotten myself deeper into a situation I didn't need to be in for nothing! I panicked again and tried to think of an excuse for what I had said. Then I thought to myself, 'No, This is what HE wanted. I have to give this to him, it's the least I can do for him if I can't get him out of the crap he's in.'
When Van went off the com link, he asked about what I had said. I denied nothing, and he asked if we would 'give it a try'. I thought for a long time, rolling around the thoughts of him being raped, his suicide attempts unknown too many, his hard life unseen to others compared to mine. What I owed him for paying no attention to him in the beginning, my own feelings about him, my desire to have some sort of relationship, and have never once had one---What I did next came from a mixture of pity, guilt, and curiosity about relationships.
I said, "Sure."
-continued-
*** ok, yeah---O.o' The pairing is weird, and I get Thomas 'screwed' again XD **dodges flames** Just for a tip, this is NOT another alternate thread for 'don't do this to me'. I'm just experimenting at the possible two as a couple. Pls. read and review---NO FLAMES, I don't entertain them because I already pressed a warning note to begin with -.- Rav-chan ***
Note: I resume my trademark, Japanese title for my stories. ('don't do this to me' and sequel 'cruel intentions' are my only titles in English) *sighs* my progress is so slow dammit, I crashed my other pc with the net and I'm banished to ever use it again, so no time to have it beta-read to my sempais T-T. But the heck, this won't stop me. Again, this thing is YAOI material (male to male) and is rated R if you what it means **repeats standard warning OT rant** ( this time to my old viewers-I'm warning you it's both DEEPLY angsty and hardcore at the same time for the next few parts to follow. This is not Thomas x Karl incest, Van x Raven, or Thomas x Raven either O.o; it's Thomas x Irvine--- as I was inspired in 'cookies'! *waves to ninetails-sempai* Story told according to Irvine's P.O.V, and a heavy Thomas angst -a three part ficcie-
Abata mo Ekibo (Love is Blind)
by RaVen0us
Part one: Genesis
He was just another team member, assigned along with Flyheight. When I first met Colonel Schubaltz younger brother, Thomas, he's not practically any concern to me. Since he is just with us because Van and him are working both side of the GF alliance, he is just another person I had to contend with an ego as big as Van's--since he has an ego as big as Van's or probably bigger, I paid not that much attention to him. Although it's an advantage to have a technical genius working by side, he could sound a bit arrogant at times and go brain-free the next, just by the mere sight of Fiona. It's one of those few moments I could see a grown man almost cry, just the thought of his pangs are unrequited. Anyway, we went through joining forces in some missions, and by the end of the season I sailed along with them comfortably paying absolutely no attention to him. Since he is just an allied member, and has known him only in just month's time, there is no possible way we could have got along each other that much.
My assumption is wrong.
Near the end of the year, he began that obnoxious *clinging* to me, that perhaps a young child with an older role model might be capable of. He began his daily messages through his com link through mine when we are piloting our zoids, and I dismissed them as another 'lesser' friend I had to talk to. I found his personality strikingly odd, as he continually asked questions regarding sex. Let it be known that I had been (and still am) a jerk my entire life, never once having sex, and hardly *thinking* about it. (I'm rather unique in that way, I suppose, as I soon found out later in my life that 99% of the Zi's human population is controlled by sex.) I answered Thomas' questions, simply in hopes that he would just leave me to talk with the gang, Van, Moon bay and the others. It didn't work that way. He just kept inching closer and closer to me, and without me knowing it, we had become rather close friends by mid-summer. Somehow my continued, absent- minded responses to his messages had let him squeeze his way into a rather large part of my life. I believe there was one thing he told me that made me realize how attached we had become as friends: "The nerve of that Van Flyheight, he thinks we are gay lovers!" he once remarked, looking quite irritated but not furious.
That absolutely blew my mind, and not in a good way! I have never even given a thought to his sexuality, or my own for that matter. I had always taken myself to be heterosexual, and as I said before, uninterested in sex. I finally settled down and realized that it's just another one of Van's annoying comments, no big deal. We aren't lovers, and never would be. We could make a big joke out of this, especially to Van---and we did. We started joking around with the idea, until I think it was Moon bay who became completely convinced that we were in fact lovers and constantly told Van everything about it. It was worth the act, seeing the expression of Van's face, he have lost his appetite for almost a week! I and Thomas became so close, that we had our weekly drinking sessions---starting out in the late afternoon that will last through the whole evening, talking about the happenings the whole week, the piloting and strategizing with the use of our zoids, the upcoming battles ahead and the possible obstacle we might encounter and so forth.
By this time, he had been slowly revealing to me that he was an abused child, both beaten and molested. He continued to tell me by his early teenage years, he was raped almost every week---by his own very brother I know he always looked up to, Karl. I nearly puked when he told me. I know Karl has always been the aloof type, but I never knew he was capable of doing such sick perverse act. Thomas confessed that he might have gone crazy himself, haven't it been for his passion with machines. Machines, the only thing he cares about and became thoroughly good at, because there is nothing left in him he felt is worth. Working with technical matters made him feel easier, taking off the drudgery of the dark secret he harbored deep within his soul. But it was such a predicament, that there was none to tell or turn to, so there was no way out. I had never imagined that this a 'real' life, I never even realized that type of behavior was actually happening to 'real' people---people I knew. Being as ignorant as I was about these types of situations, I figured he was one in a million people that this happens to, and immediately felt an intense sense of pity and guilt for him. I grew to care about him so much as a friend I didn't want harm to be inflicted upon him. I felt the same way about all my friends, but this one was the first one who was actually in some type of danger. I could never provide any help for him, and he always have this lethargic helplessness and contained fear, so hidden at times in his expression but not in his eyes, as he will stand and salute his brother who at time to time visit the place for briefing in mission updates. He fears Karl, he detests and fears the brother he grew to be his hero---and later had painfully betrayed him in life. If there is the only way to get back to his feet, is to prove his worth he could be better than Karl and that he would get the recognition he so deserved.
I became increasingly frustrated with myself and my not being to help him. I felt extremely protective of him, (which is pretty unlike me) as if he had become my responsibility when he became a close friend of mine. I only wanted his pain to go away so he could have a better life, and I was willing to give my own self up if it would have helped. I did mention the feelings I just mentioned, and at one time we have a buddy drinking session and in between 2 shots of vodkas, Thomas said something of how sweet of me to genuinely care and how grateful he is that I keep his secret. 'Sweet' is an adjective that I wouldn't have used about a friend, even a close one. I began thinking about all that was involved in our friendship, including the 'lovers' idea, and all of he somewhat expected comments about me and the others. I finally realized that, maybe, he liked me more than a friend. This epiphany brought me into an even more trouble some predicament. Since he liked me, and wanted to become 'more than friends', if I rejected it I may cause him more pain in his life, and, obviously, he needed none of that, especially from his closest confidant. However, I am NOT gay! I refused to think that. But, I did remember what I said to him. And my loyalty to him-that I was willing to give myself up to make his own life better.
*****
On some random day, he and I were chatting while in a drinking spree as we often did after a mission or a patrol, he mentioned that Van once again was commenting about us being gay lovers again. He suggested we give him what he wanted, and I agreed. I could've used a good laugh that day and would like to see Van face vault then go mental for few days time.
We began with stereotypical 'sweet nothings', as most young couples in love might say to each other. Unfortunately, one time, I had thought Van was out of the room and the conversation began to get---"weird", Thomas wondered what is like to kiss a woman, particularly 'Miss Fiona' then did Van's attention totally zoomed to 100 percent to our conversation. I told him that he needs to practice, and the he can show his technique on me, and pretend I'm Fiona. It was really priceless to see the expression on Van's face especially when I brought up my lips to Thomas' mouth and we kissed each other-more than a pucker that is. We talked this about this once, in our com links, while we are undergoing some stimulation program for an upcoming battle.
"Damn, That was hilarious! What do you think he thinks?"
"He thinks it's sick---his eyes were tearing up!" I laughed, imaging Flyheight stumbling out of the room with a strong urge to puke. My stomach start to hurt from laughing to hard, thinking that the pilot wouldn't have the guts to get near us EVER this whole week duration because of that!
"Did you really mean what you did?"
That last line caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting that at all---I had been thing that he 'liked' me in that way for the past few weeks or so, but I wasn't ready with a well thought out answer for that question yet. I was in panic, pondering what I should do, what should I say. I couldn't hurt him; I cared too much about his well being. He had already attempted suicide before he thought I didn't consider him a friend (and I hadn't, at that time). I couldn't let him like himself because of me. Of course, it seemed odd that he would kill himself, but I dismissed it amongst the other different things about him because of the abuse. I'd imagine that it had to be a horrible experience, and it must have affected him in too many ways to know. I knew I had to say yes, somehow-yet I didn't want to.
I didn't mean anything I said or did; it was all in good fun for me. But I couldn't tell him no.
"Thomas, I don't want to freak you out or anything-but-yeah. A little bit."
Soon after I said that message at the monitor screen, he sent me another, but this time an encoded audio message so that Van could not understand (who can connect to our com links anytime and is with us also through out the practice), telling me that Van is trying to communicate through his com link receiver just about now. I couldn't believe it! When he asked me the question, it was for Van's show again! I had just screwed myself over and gotten myself deeper into a situation I didn't need to be in for nothing! I panicked again and tried to think of an excuse for what I had said. Then I thought to myself, 'No, This is what HE wanted. I have to give this to him, it's the least I can do for him if I can't get him out of the crap he's in.'
When Van went off the com link, he asked about what I had said. I denied nothing, and he asked if we would 'give it a try'. I thought for a long time, rolling around the thoughts of him being raped, his suicide attempts unknown too many, his hard life unseen to others compared to mine. What I owed him for paying no attention to him in the beginning, my own feelings about him, my desire to have some sort of relationship, and have never once had one---What I did next came from a mixture of pity, guilt, and curiosity about relationships.
I said, "Sure."
-continued-
*** ok, yeah---O.o' The pairing is weird, and I get Thomas 'screwed' again XD **dodges flames** Just for a tip, this is NOT another alternate thread for 'don't do this to me'. I'm just experimenting at the possible two as a couple. Pls. read and review---NO FLAMES, I don't entertain them because I already pressed a warning note to begin with -.- Rav-chan ***