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Truly loving someone means letting go of all expectations.
It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.
~Karen Casey
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Chapter 4: More Than Wanted
Briar stared blankly at Daja, his mind racing with thousands of different thoughts at the same time. Unfortunately, for both Briar and Daja, all that came out of his mouth was: "Wha. . . What did you say?"
"Sandry's pregnant." Daja said it again, her voice sure and steady.
This could not, and would not, stay concrete in Briar's mind. Daja could have said it millions of times in those next few minutes, but it would slide like water over wood in Briar's mind. All he could manage to do was stare at Daja as if Daja had just said that Sandry was a female cat and was going to do a lively jig once they reached Sarai Island.
It wasn't that the thought that Sandry was pregnant wasn't clicking, it was the simple fact that she was going to have a child that seemed extremely strange. BEING pregnant, and the pregnancy actually leading to a baby being born were two entirely different things. At least to Briar it seemed that way.
Tearing his shocked eyes from Daja, Briar glanced down at the sleeping Sandry, and examined her face. It was soft and peaceful, and her long hair had somehow ended in front of her closed eyes again. Her thin arm was draped over her blankets and her long fingers were bent in a clutch. She still looked like when she was fourteen, when she had fallen asleep on the top of Discipline's roof the night before he had to leave with Rosethorn away from Emelan. Briar remembered the night clearly. . . it was the night that Briar had realized how very pretty Sandry had grown.
But it wasn't a thing that he liked to dwell on. . . it only confused him. And Briar didn't like being confused.
Shaking his head, Briar turned to Daja and then stammered, "How. . . where. . .when? You've got to tell me everything."
Daja looked down at the ground, her eyebrows knitted together in concentration. She put down her firewood before looking before she glanced back up at Briar, her eyes shining with concern. "You sure you want to know everything?"
Briar looked from Sandry to Daja and then bit the inside of his cheek. He knew that some of the information might be painful to hear. Some of it might make him want to go and kill some people. The information might dampen Sandry and his friendship for forever. But then. . .
"Yeah. . . I want to know everything," Briar stated with finality.
Daja bit her bottom lip before shaking her head. "Okay, Briar. You're gonna want to sit down though; it's a long story." Grabbing a log from the firewood, Daja sat on it and folded her hands before she relapsed into silent concentration.
Briar could feel his impatience start to slither down his spine and he wanted nothing more to scream at Daja to say something, but instead, Daja commenced with Sandry's story:
"It was about two years ago, I suppose. Sandry had just started to get acquainted with teaching Pasco and getting use to her royal status, when there was a message from her cousin. . ."
"Which one?" Briar interjected, as he took a seat on the chilly ground and then resting one elbow on a knee.
Daja looked a Briar for a while, as if to prepare him for a shock. Then she went onward, "Her cousin Empress Berenene, Her Imperial Highness of the Namorn Empire."
Blinking in astonishment, all Briar could manage was a weak, "Oh."
"It was a bitter message. Empress Berenene had come down with a fatal disease and there was nothing that medicine could do for her," Daja paused before going on, "She was expected to die within a month. The message said that Sandry was to come immediately, it said that her cousin wished to see her before she passed on. Of coarse, Sandry came -- you know how Sandry is. It took her a week to get there, and during this time Empress Berenene's condition worsened considerably. By the time she got there, Empress Berenene was on her death bed and barely had enough strength to right her will and to speak to Sandry. I don't. . . I don't think that Empress meant to give Sandry anything, but when she had seen how much Sandry had grown, had pretty she had become, and how regal she had become, she immediately gave Sandry the Empire as a dying wish." Daja stopped her and looked up at Briar, who was staring at her in astonishment.
He blinked again before shaking his head, "Next thing you're going to tell me is that Sandry spouted wings and flew away and found a fairy man and they're having a child together."
Daja chuckled weakly before smiling at him, "No, not quite that strange. But, nevertheless, Sandry did take the throne, and that--"
"-- is strange in itself." Briar added, and then bit his lip in contemplation. "So, what does this all have to do with her getting pregnant? And number two, why haven't I heard this from anybody? Given I was on the other side of the world, I still could have been notified."
Shaking her head, Daja sighed. "It has a lot to do with her getting pregnant. You see, an Empress has to marry within a year of receiving the throne. Empress Berenene followed this royal rule, but she had someone kill her husband within a few months of the marriage. . . or at least that's what the rumor is. Anyway, Sandry -- being Sandry-- refused at first. But, somehow, some toadies convinced her that if she didn't want the throne going over to her corrupt other cousins, she must marry. So, with out wanting anybody to get hurt, she married."
For some reason, when Daja said this, it didn't register in Briar's brain in the very least. Looking at Sandry, he couldn't imagine a ring on her slender finger and couldn't imagine anyone holding her in any other way that Briar himself had held her. The innocent look on her face didn't look like a typical face that Briar would register as being married. It looked much more like a face that had never seen it's first kiss or ever been loved.
He glanced back up at Daja, swallowed thickly, before he asked, "Who was it that she married?"
"His name was Count Davial en Tagorn, a very influential young man who was reputed for his integrity." Daja looked deeply into Briar's suspicious face, "Briar. . . don't look so worried. She married a good man. I'd go so far as to say that he loved her."
They sat in silence for a few seconds, Briar licking his dry lips, feelings flooding into his heart and mind more than he had ever wished. Confusion sprung up everywhere and Briar started to feel an emotion extremely foreign to him.
Jealousy? No, that's impossible.
"So," Briar started, "Sandry's married. How. . . uncomfortable."
"She's not married anymore."
Looking up in surprise at Daja, Briar lifted an appraising eyebrow. "Come again," he said, confusion hinged on his voice.
Daja shook her head and rubbed the back her neck in a tired sort of way. "I think her and Davial were married for about a year or so. They were traveling to Ragal Island, where some of Davial's relatives are. And, of coarse, Sandry insisted that they go without body guards. It was while they were taking a ferry from Anderran that they realized that some assassins were on board the ferry also. They made an assassin attempt on Sandry, but when they let the arrows fly, it was Davial that took the blow instead of Sandry. . ."
When Daja stopped, Briar shook his head and said quietly, "He died."
Daja swallowed audibly, "Yes, he did. . . it wasn't until a week later that Sandry realized that she had been pregnant. I don't know if you know, but it's considered extremely bad luck to have a child of a dead husband. So, in order to keep Sandry from disgrace, they've kept her heir to the throne a secret, and the fact that she's pregnant an even bigger secret." They sat in awkward silence for a few seconds before Daja asked, "Briar, are you okay?"
Yeah, everything was just peachy. . . not.
Briar snapped his head up and glared at Daja, "No, I'm not okay." He stood up sharply and bit his lip in frustration. "I've just learned that my best friend in Empress of the Namorn Empire and she got married to some stiff rich snob, who she was probably never happy with. And. . . and now she's pregnant." He was pacing now, like a dog who wanted nothing more to jump on some kind of prey. Running a hand through his hair, Briar looked up at Daja again, "And one more thing; why didn't I know anything about this?"
Sighing, Daja shrugged her shoulder, "I don't know Briar. I just. don't. know." She stood up off her log and then threw it into the every growing fire. Rubbing her hands together for warmth, she bit her lip. "Maybe, just maybe, there's something she needs to tell you. . . in private." Daja glanced up at Briar, who was looking at her with a bit of resentment. Furrowing her eyebrows, Daja inched slowly towards Briar, "Are you sure you're okay? You never act this. . . angry."
Clenching his fists together, Briar shook his head passionately. Not answering Daja, he stalked past her, brushing a shoulder against her own. "I'm going to help unload," he uttered through his teeth.
Daja simply looked after him, glanced down at the sleeping Sandry and
then sighed.
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Briar wasn't quite sure if he should be angry, upset, confused, or a mix of everything. He knew that these emotions weren't directed towards anyone, and he sincerely hope that Daja didn't think he was angry with her. And another thing that plagued his mind. . . why should be feel any of these things at all?
So, Sandry got married. Did he think that she never would? No, somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that Sandry would eventually get married. It was simply that it wasn't supposed to happen so soon. And he was supposed to know about too.
By the time Briar reached Dasnie, who was unloading everything from their horses, so many questions were running through his mind that he didn't even realize that he had knocked into someone.
Looking down at the person who had nearly mauled, he raised an appraising eyebrow. Evvy was below him, looking at him accusingly. Briar pursed his lips, not ready for a daily battle with his student, and stated coldly, "Excuse me."
Evvy, oblivious to Briar's foul mood, rolled her eyes before saying, "Yeah, you're excused," Briar was about to make a retort, but Evvy interjected, "Anyways, I was wondering. . . can me and Pasco camp out separate from you guys tonight?" Pasco suddenly popped into Briar's vision, looking sheepish.
Glaring down at the young boy, Briar became instantaneously suspicious. Squinting his eyes, he glanced at Evvy, "Why do you just have to camp out with him tonight?" He glared at Pasco again.
Rolling her eyes, Evvy shrugged her blankets and pillows up farther in her arms before she said, "Thanks, Pahan Briar." With that she too off to make her camp with Pasco. She called over her shoulder, in madabian, "Qua tea huateu vaq." It meant that Pahan Briar is the best mage in the world. She smiled sweetly at him.
It was Briar's turn to roll his eyes. Throwing his hands into the air, he huffed, "Fine, what the hell. . . you're not going to listen to me anyways." He heard Evvy giggle, and start to put her bags down on the ground. He glanced down at Pasco, giving him a "if-you-think-about-even-looking-at-her-you're-dead" glare. Pasco cringed under Briar's sneer before he scuffled nervously away.
Shaking his head, Briar licked his dry lips. The atmosphere was drastically starting to get warmer the father north they went. The grass around him was a light shade of green and there were tiny evergreen trees dotting the landscape. Rubbing the back of his neck, Briar yawned. His magic still felt drained, like it was constantly in use. But, that didn't make any sense. Shrugging, Briar looked up towards the caravan of bags and horses. There, looking at him blankly, expect for a raised eyebrow, was the mysterious Dasnie.
Almost spooked by her sudden appearance, Briar gave her a double take. She had taken off her long, winter coat and was wearing a long blue dress that seemed to cover a shorter purple dress underneath. Her long white hair fell to her waist, and move ever so slightly in the breeze. She was strange. . . even a little creepy, Briar decided. But, despite these things, Briar wasn't afraid of her. He trusted her. And that was strange for him.
He stood in awkward silence with her for a few seconds before nodding were Evvy and Pasco were setting up their private camp. Smiling crookedly, he remarked in her direction, "Kids. . ."
Raising her eyebrow further up her forehead, Dasnie looked strangely at Briar, "Yes. . . what about them?" Her voice was emotionless, and her face would have been other than for the fact that he eyebrow was nearly at her hairline. She was neither condescending nor interested.
Feeling awkward, Briar replied, "Er, they're a lot of work, aren't they?"
"I would not know. . . I've never owned a goat before," Dasnie answered, serious and stiff. With that, she started to take to take some of the luggage off Sandry's horse.
Briar stared at her for a few blank seconds before chuckling despite himself. "No, no," he said, making Dasnie stop what she was doing and look up at him, "when I say 'kid' I don't mean like a goat kind. . ." He looked up at her, hoping that some recognition of what he was talking about would show on her face. There was absolutely nothing. "Well then, never mind. Do you need help unloading that stuff for Sandry?"
Blinking at Briar, she nodded her head, "Yes, Briar Moss, that would be most helpful."
Smiling crookedly at her before saying, "You can just call me Briar if you want." Shoving his sleeves up to elbows he grabbed a large piece of luggage and dropped it to the ground.
What exactly did Sandry pack? The Namornian empire and all?
After a few seconds, Dasnie shook her head before commenting, "You address each other with such informality. Even Empress Sandrilene wishes to be called. . . Sandry."
Stiffening his lip, Briar nodded his head sarcastically, "Even the guide knew about it. Well, just perfect, just perfect." Shaking his head, he ran an irritated tongue across his teeth and kept shaking his head.
Meanwhile, Dasnie watched him with renewed interest. Eyebrows raised, she set down the last piece of luggage. She never turned to Briar, but stated, "You care for this girl. . . Sandry. You are upset for her, yes?"
Briar looked up at the mysterious woman curiously. Rubbing his sore hands on his pant leg, he nodded his head slowly, "I guess you could say that. The question here is, do I care enough about her not to kill her?"
Dasnie turned to him, gave him a look of contemplation before shrugging her shoulders, "I don't believe you could kill Empress Sandrilene without her killing you first. You might be headstrong, but I suppose she is much worse." She said this with no sarcasm and her face was completely straight. Briar only stared at her. Setting down another piece of luggage, she whipped her hair around her shoulders before stating, "If you will excuse me, I have to cook tonight's dinner if we are to stay here overnight."
Staring ahead, Briar shook his head before chuckling. It was going to be a most interesting journey.
He bent down to sort through the luggage, but instead he was interrupted mid-action by a weak, diminutive voice.
"Briar?"
It was Sandry.
A thousand different emotions raced through his brain at the same time. Gritting his teeth, Briar prepared himself for a grueling session of words that would be exchanged. He clenched his hands and slowly made his way up to full stance. Lips pursed, he glared up at Sandry.
And then all the thoughts that ran through his mind a few seconds evaporated into the chilly, Madabian air. Staring at Sandry, Briar swallowed thick in his throat before glancing over the fragile, pale figure of Sandry's. She clutched a blanket around her small, tiny figure and now all her thick hair was down, and it blew roughly in the breeze. Her eyes were glazed over with fatigue and her eyebrows were furrowed in anxiousness. Despite all this, she had a sweet, delicate feature to her, and Briar was struck with an silent awe.
Blinking liquidly at him, she shivered. Biting her lip, she looked to the ground and then to Briar again. "Briar. . .?" She asked again, her voice trembling. Tears formed rapidly in her eyes. "Briar, don't be upset with me. I. . . I don't think I could bear it." Her voice became more and more liquid and her body shivered raggedly.
Briar found his mouth slightly open, but his fists still clenched. Looking at Sandry, he shook his head. "I'm not upset Sandry, I just. . . I just." He stopped abruptly in mid-sentence, before he walked up to her and, hesitantly, wrapped his arms around her.
That was when Sandry broke down. As she sobbed silently, Briar stroked her hair and saying gently, "Sandry, why? Why didn't you tell me? Why?"
They stood there for quite a few minutes, Sandry crying, and Briar wondering two things: Why didn't Sandry tell him, and What in the world was he was exactly doing.
Usually, Briar was used to pinching Sandry's nose instead of comforting her under a Madabian night. Sighing, he stroked her long hair. This wasn't something he was accustomed to doing. And, quite frankly, it was awkward.
Sniffling, Sandry shook her head in Briar's embrace. "I'm sorry, Briar. Oh, gods, I'm sorry." She shut her eyes and a lone tear cascaded down her face. Suddenly, she hiccuped. Briar and Sandry stood silent for second, before each chuckled.
Pulling herself out of Briar's embrace, Sandry rubbed an arm over her eyes and giggled. "I can't seem to make anything serious, huh?"
Smiling slightly, Briar chuckled, "Not unless your with Dasnie." Sandry glanced up at him and rolled her eyes to his joking manner. Briar chuckled.
Hiccuping again, Sandry sniffled and wiped her eyes before saying, "Briar, there's something you need to know," she glanced up at Briar with her usual sad eyes before commencing onward, "I was going to tell you, but it looks that Daja has already told you." She bit her lips in contemplation and looked around the area. Sighing, she shook her head, "Maybe we should talk about this later, when we're under much more, er, private situations."
Raising an eyebrow, Briar smirked evilly, "Gotta have me to yourself, eh, your highness?"
Sandry turned her head at Briar, her face painted in disbelief. Pursing her lips together, she punched in playfully in the chest. "See why I didn't tell you anything?" They both laughed at each other, before their laughter subsided into light chuckles and then silence.
It wasn't the bad kind of silence. It was the contemplating kind, where both parties were thinking something of their own. Briar glanced down at Sandry before asking quietly, "Did you love him-- your husband?"
Sandry turned her head slowly towards Briar, her eyes sad again. She swallowed before asking her own question, "What do you mean? Was I in love or did I love him. . .?"
Biting his lip, Briar looked down at her, glancing into her sad blue eyes, "I don't know; which one was it?"
She sighed, her voice trembling. She hiccuped again, giggled at it, and then resumed into her seriousness. Shaking her head, Sandry glanced at the night sky and not at Briar while she spoke: "He was a good man and good friend. I loved him. . . as a friend." Frowning, she slowly turned towards Briar, "But I was never in love with him."
There sudden an awkward aura around, but neither of them tore their glances away from them. Strange feelings churned mercilessly in the pit of Briar's stomach, but he could do nothing to stop looking at her. Gritting his teeth, Briar pondered himself.
What was happening to him? When he ever acted like this? Er, never. . .
Tearing his eyes away from Sandry, he spoke to the Madabian stars, "You'd better get to bed, yur highness. Remember, Dasnie isn't a light trecker. You're gonna have to toughen up."
Sandry giggled before shaking her head, "I think I'm okay. . . it's you I'm worried about. I don't think Dasnie takes any back-talk. . . you might be dead by the end of this journey yet."
Raising an eyebrow, Briar rolled his eyes. Sandry giggled at him, but her eyes remained sad. "Go to bed, you're having delusions," Briar retorted, his eyes glittering in a teasing mood.
Still giggling, Sandry started to make her way back to the campsite before she caught site of the other smaller campsite. Furrowing her eyebrows in confusion, she turned to Briar, "Did I miss something? Why are Pasco and Evvy camping separate from us?"
Rolling his eyes, Briar sighed in mock frustration. "I don't know-- but one thing's for sure," he stared accusingly at Sandry, "you're little apprentice better keep his hands off my student."
At this, Sandry outright laughed. "Oh give me a break!" She exclaimed before adding, "Knowing you, you've probably brought up Evvy to make the first move."
Briar mock-glared at her before threatening, "You'd better take off in a run if you don't want to suffer a terrible death."
"I'd like to see you try to kill me!"
With that, Briar ran towards Sandry. Giving a loud yelp, she took off in a run, her blanket still wrapped around her body. They both were soon engaged in a frantic game of tag to the campsite were Daja, Tris, and Dasnie were waiting.
Pasco and Evvy stared at their two teachers, their eyebrows raised.
Turning to Pasco, Evvy shook her head. "My Pahan is so weird," she commented before extinguishing the fire and cuddling into her blankets for the night.
Hey people! Thanks a billion for the reviews. I think now that I'm know how I'm going to end this. (Which is a very good thing.) Well, I don't know how long these updates are going to be from now on, but I'm hoping to make them at least 4 pages each. Anyway, the website is not ANYWHERE near finished. The we page design I was using makes my computer crash now, so that's just not going to work. Never fear though. I've got a new web page design so it should be up soon. Until then, I am asking you readers a dear request:
WOULD YOU PLEASE, PWEETY PLEASE SEND ME YOUR CIRCLE OF MAGTC FANFICTION FOR THE WEBSITE??
It would be most appreciated. You can just e-mail me from the e-mail
on my profile, and you'll receive full utter credit for your work.
I'll even put your e-mail address there if you like and create a "book
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best. Really and Truly.