Part: 10/?
Author: PsycGurl
Rating: PG-13
Couples: B/S (mainly its B/S…there maybe references to other couples though)

Spoilers: Set in season three of Buffy…around after Lover's Walk, but Angel and Buffy are not together as a couple.

Feedback: Please review!!!!

Distribution: Please ask me.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. The visions were taken from Buffy transcripts at www. psyche.kn-bremen.de and were transcribed by Joan the English Chick (pisces@englishchick.com).

A/N.1 In the next few chapters the characters' dreams are their flashes of the future (only s.3 of Angel & s.6 of Buffy). Therefore they're gonna be at least seven more chapters (Arrrgh!!!) I'm estimating 'bout 24 chapters…so this fic is gonna take a while (writing and uploading)!!!!

A/N.2 In each flash the person talking will be written like "Cordy:…" and each vision is basically separated by ~*~*~*~ …in the beginning and end of the vision. I have edited some of them by taking irrelevant parts out…so if you remember a line that was meant to be in between…that's why it ain't there anymore!

A/N.3 These chapters are going to be really *really* long. I decided to post a Buffy chapter next as there has been a demand for Spike and Dawn. The next few chapters are basically a bunch of visions…but there will be some discussion on them later on.

CHAPTER 10

DREAMS-BUFFY

Buffy walked up to her room, exhausted.

" Buffy? Is that you?" Her mom called out as Buffy stumbled into the hallway.

" Yeah mom."

" I was getting worried! Why are you here so late? It's 2 in the morning." Joyce asked.

" Slayer stuff."

" Buffy it's a school night. Buffy I know that you have a very important job but…"

" I know mom…I know. Is it okay if we do this in the morning? I'm really tired."

" Are you feeling all right?" Buffy's mother asked as she put her hand onto Buffy's forehead.

" I'm fine mom…I'm just tired."

" Well ok then honey…go get some sleep. We'll talk in the morning. Good night." Joyce gave Buffy a goodnight kiss. Buffy entered her room and collapsed on her bed. Within minutes she was asleep. Buffy groaned as she replayed the image of her grave over and over in her mind…until some other flashes took over.

~*~*~*~

Xander: "You're talking about raising the dead. It feels wrong."

Tara: "It is wrong."

Willow: "She could be trapped!"

~*~*~*~

Xander, Anya, Willow and Tara doing their resurrection spell.

~*~*~*~

Buffy's corpse reviving.

~*~*~*~

A hand bursts out from below Buffy's grave, then another hand, then Buffy's head and shoulders. She gasps for air, pulls herself up onto the grass, lies there panting. She looks around at the dark forest, very fearfully.

~*~*~*~

Buffy stirred uncomfortably in her sleep.

~*~*~*~

Willow: "Buffy?"

Anya: "What's wrong with her?"

Willow: "She's in shock."

~*~*~*

Dawn: "Buffy ... please ... listen to me."

Buffy closes her eyes, doesn't turn around.

Dawn: "You told me I had to be strong ... and I've tried. (tearful) But it's been so hard without you."

Buffy still has eyes closed, frowning.

Dawn: "I'm sorry. I promise I'll do better, I will! (still tearful) If you're with me. Stay with me ... please. I need you to live. Live!"

~*~*~*~

Dawn hugging Buffy.

Dawn: "You're alive, and you're home. You're home."

Buffy's face over Dawn's shoulder doesn't look very happy

~*~*~*~

Buffy's sleeping face overcame with a replica expression.

~*~*~*~

Willow: "It was Buffy, right? We saw her, and it was really Buffy."

Anya: "I think we screwed it up. She's broken."

Willow: "No! She's not broken! She's just…disoriented from being…tormented in some hell dimension. Probably tortured and…It's like, we don't even know how much time has passed there for her, uh, possibly years. That's not something you just get over. Oh my God. What if she never gets over it?"

~*~*~*~

Buffy stares a photo of Joyce in a frame on a table in her house.

~*~*~*~

Buffy walks into a room. Dawn enters behind her, turns on the light causing Buffy to wince.

Dawn: " Mom's room. (walks closer to Buffy) I know it's really different now."

Buffy: "Willow and Tara. This is their room."

~*~*~*~

Dawn: " Um. Let's see…Giles. It's so weird. He, he left today. Because you were…He, he'll come right back, I'll call him. Someone'll call him."

~*~*~*~

Spike: "Dawn! Dawn! Are you there?"

Dawn: (to Buffy) "It, it's just Spike."

~*~*~*~

Spike: "Clawed her way out of a coffin.(to Buffy) Isn't that right?"

Buffy: (quietly) " Yeah. That's…what I had to do."

Spike: " Done it myself."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "How long was I gone?"

Spike: " Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Uh…hundred forty-eight today. (smiles a little) 'Cept today doesn't count, does it?"

~*~*~*~

Willow: "Right. Long day. But, Buffy…be happy. (big smile) We got you out. We really did it."

Buffy looks at them, still uncomfortable.

Buffy: (apologetically) "Tired."

Anya: "Well, yeah. I mean…jet-lag from hell has gotta be, you know, jet-lag from hell."

~*~*~*~

Spike: " That's the thing about magic. There's always consequences."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: " I miss Giles."

~*~*~*~

Spike: "Uh…I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. (pause) If I had done that….even if I didn't make it…you wouldn't have had to jump…But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but…after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again…do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways…(softly) Every night I save you."

~*~*~*~

Buffy's sleeping face displayed shock.

~*~*~*~

Spike: " Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment." He sits beside her.

Buffy: (looking down) "I was happy."

Spike looks at her in confusion.

Buffy: " Wherever I…was…I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. I was warm…and I was loved…and I was finished. Complete. I think I was in heaven."

Spike continues to stare at her in dismay.

Buffy: "And now I'm not. (almost tearful) I was torn out of there. Pulled out…by my friends. (Spike continues to stare and listen) Everything here is…hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch…this is Hell."

~*~*~*~

Buffy knitted her eyebrows in confusion.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "Okay…so you're telling me I'm broke?"

Tara: " Money's definitely becoming an issue."

Buffy: "But I haven't spent any money. I was all…dead and frugal."

Tara: "Your mother prepared everything really well. She had insurance…(nervously) life insurance."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: (to Dawn) "You do research now? Want a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with it?"

~*~*~*~

Buffy notices something across the room and stares. Everyone else turns to see what she's looking at. Giles stands by the door, holding a couple of suitcases, staring at Buffy. Buffy stares back. Giles puts down his bags, comes forward. Buffy walks forward until they are face-to-face.

Giles: (smiling) "Oh God, Buffy."

He hugs her. She hugs him back, closes her eyes.

~*~*~*~

Giles: "And how are you? Really? You look tired. You seem to be doing remarkably well under extreme circumstances. I'm proud of you."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "They were mine when I was little. Couldn't find the guest sheets. (quietly) Mom always did this stuff."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: " Why are you always around when I'm miserable?"

Spike: "'Cause that's when you're alone, I reckon. I'm not one for crowds myself these days."

They look at each other again.

Buffy: "Me neither."

Spike: "That works out nicely then."

~*~*~*~

A small smile appeared on Buffy's face.

~*~*~*~

Giles: "Buffy, what is it?"

She turns back to face them, pauses for a moment before speaking.

Buffy: "Angel."

Giles: "Is he in trouble?"

Buffy: "He knows that I'm…he, he needs to see me. I have to see him."

Giles: "Yes, of course. You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow."

Buffy: "I gotta go now."

~*~*~*~

Dawn: "So ... how was it? Seeing Angel…him seeing you. Was it weird?"

Buffy looks uncomfortable. Dawn, Tara, and Willow look expectantly at her.

Buffy: "Um…it was… intense."

~*~*~*~

Curiosity and anxiety cascaded the slayer's facial features.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "Life plans. Um…well…I have no idea."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "So basically I'm just trying to learn everything I can, you know? 'Cause I don't want just a job, you know? I want a career, you know, something I can grow into."

~*~*~*~

Spike: "Ask questions, throw punches, find out what's in the air. Hmm? It's fun too."

Buffy: (slurring) "It's not my kind of fun."

Spike: "Yeah. It is."

Buffy looks at him.

Spike: (quietly) "And your life's gonna get a lot less confusing when you figure that out. You're a creature of the darkness. Like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: " Tonight sucks! And, and look at me! Look at, look at stupid Buffy! Too dumb for college, and, and, and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And, and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end! And the only person I can even stand to be around is a…neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker."

Spike: (embarrassed) "Oh, you saw the cheating, did you."

~*~*~*~

Sleeping Buffy gave an amused smile.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "I don't…really know how to say this…(softly) but it's a little like having Mom back."

Giles: "In this scenario, I am your mother?"

Buffy: "Wanna be my shiftless absentee father?"

~*~*~*~

Buffy: (to Giles) "I just…wanna tell you…that, um…this…makes me feel safe. Knowing you're always gonna be here."

~*~*~*~

Buffy whimpered with sadness.

~*~*~*~

Spike: "Feel like a bit of the rough and tumble?"

Buffy: (shocked) "What?"

Spike: "Me…you…"

She stares at him, still shocked.

Spike: "Patrolling? Hello?"

Buffy: (to herself once he leaves)" So much easier to talk to when he wanted to kill me."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "I was only out of commission for three months. How many other things have changed since I've been away?"

Dawn: (smiling) "Ooh, I got a tattoo!"

Buffy: (shocked) "What?!"

Willow: "Which is why we told her no."

Dawn: (wheedling) "Just a little one?"

Buffy: "Over my dead body. The kind that doesn't come back."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: (outraged) " Were you parking?! With a vamp?"

Dawn: "I-I didn't know he was dead!…oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?"

Buffy: "That was different."

Dawn: "It always is when it's you."

~*~*~*~

Buffy's face portrayed bewilderment.

~*~*~*~

[A.N. Songs from 'Once More with Feeling' are bold & italicised]

Spike:

  "I died
So many years ago.
But you can make me feel
Like it isn't so

And why you come to be with me
I think I finally know
Mmm, mmm.
You're scared.
Ashamed of what you feel
   And you can't tell the ones you love
You know they couldn't deal
Whisper in a dead man's ear,
It doesn't make it real.

That's great.
But I don't wanna play.
'Cause being with you touches me
More than I can say.
But since I'm only dead to you
I'm saying stay away
And let me rest in peace.

I know I should go
But I follow you like a man possessed
There's a traitor here beneath my breast
And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed
If my heart could beat, it would break my chest
But I can see you're unimpressed
 (angrily) So leave me be."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "I thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Isn't that what you sang?"

~*~*~*~

 

Buffy:
"There was no pain
No fear, no doubt
Till they pulled me out
Of Heaven.
(Giles and Xander look surprised)
So that's my refrain.
(Willow looks horrified)
I live in Hell
(Xander looks horrified)
'Cause I've been expelled
From Heaven
I think I was in Heaven
(Willow looks horrified)
So give me something to sing about.
Please
Give me something…"

Buffy spins wildly round and round and round, smoke begins to curl off her.

Suddenly Spike appears, stops her by grabbing her upper arms. Buffy gives him a desperate unhappy look.

Spike:

"Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this
It's living
(brushes hair back from her face)
You'll get along
The pain that you feel
You only can heal
By living."

~*~*~*~

Buffy and Spike kissing passionately (at the end of "Once More With Feeling.")

~*~*~*~

Shock flickered over Buffy's visage.

~*~*~*~

Giles: "You have to be strong. I'm, I'm trying to…"

Buffy: "Trying to, to what? (angrily) Desert me? Abandon me? Leave me all alone when I really need somebody?"

Giles: (quietly) "I don't want to leave…"

Buffy: "So don't. Please don't."

~*~*~*~

Willow: "I know this must be awful for you, and I, I'm sorry, I…I'm so sorry for…"

Buffy nods impatiently.

Buffy: "Sorry. Everybody's sorry. I know that you guys are just trying to help…but it's just, it's too much. And, and I, I can't take it any more. (tearful) If you guys…if you guys understood how it felt… how it feels. It's like I'm dying, it…"

~*~*~*~

A small tear trickled down from Buffy's eye.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "I kill your kind."

Spike: "And I bite yours. So how come I don't wanna bite you? (Buffy frowns in confusion) And why am I fightin' other vampires?"

Spike gets a look of revelation on his face.

Spike: "I must be a noble vampire. (Buffy looks dubious) A good guy."

~*~*~*~

Spike and Buffy standing underneath the stairs of the Bronze kissing. Buffy pulls back for a moment, then resumes kissing Spike.

~*~*~*~

Spike: " Hey. Little sympathy for the man with the migraine here, can we?"

Buffy: "Well, that's what you get for attacking a human."

Spike: "Yeah. (annoyed) You'd think if the government was gonna put a chip in my head, they'd at least make it so I could attack criminals and that sort."

~*~*~*~

Spike: "It's only a matter of time before you realize I'm the only one here for you, pet. You got no one else!"

~*~*~*~

Buffy groaned.

~*~*~*~

Amy: "Sorry about your mom."

Buffy: (softly) "Thanks."

Amy: "It's crazy, all the things that've happened since I went away."

Buffy: "No kidding."

Amy: "Snyder got eaten by a snake…high school got destroyed…"

~*~*~*~

Buffy gasped in her sleep and then…smirked.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "Look. I'm sorry, okay? I'm-I'm sorry if you thought that it meant more."

Spike: "But…"

Buffy: "But…when I kissed you…you know I was thinking about Giles, right?"

Spike: "You know, I always wondered about you two."

Buffy: "What? (makes a face) Oh, gross, Spike! He left. I was depressed. Ergo vulnerability and, and bad kissing decisions. Okay, but, that's all that it was. You have to let it go."

Spike: "A man can change."

Buffy: "You're not a man. You're a thing."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: (small puzzled smile) "Get out of my way."

Spike: "Or what?"

Buffy shrugs, punches him in the face. Spike reels a little, catches himself, pauses. Then he hits her in the face, spinning her around. Buffy straightens up, turns back to him.

Spike: (mockingly) "Oh, the pain! The pain! (grimly) Is gone. Guess what I just found out. Looks like I'm not as toothless as you thought, sweetheart."

Buffy: (alarmed) "How?"

Spike: "Don't you get it? Don't you see? (sneering) You came back wrong."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes."

Spike: "I'm in love with you."

Buffy: (still advancing) "You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me…because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?"

~*~*~*~

Spike: "You afraid I'm gonna…"

Buffy shuts him up by kissing him. They kiss passionately

Buffy shoves Spike up against another wall, resumes kissing him. He lifts her up against him with her legs around his waist. Buffy reaches her hand down between their bodies. Sound of a zipper and they kiss some more. Buffy begins to move up and down against Spike, slowly, making an expression of pleasure. Buffy leans forward to wrap her arms around Spike and they fall backward. The entire floor gives way and they fall through to the basement level, landing there in a huge cloud of. Spike lands on his back with Buffy on top of him. They stare into each other's eyes, both panting.

~*~*~*~

Buffy clutched the sides of her bed, panting heavily.

~*~*~*~

Spike: "I knew. I knew the only thing better than killing a slayer would be f…"

Buffy: "What?!"

Buffy shoves him away and gets up angrily, moves a few feet away. Spike remains sprawled on the floor.

Buffy: "Is that what this is about? Doing a slayer?"

Spike: "I'm just sayin' ... vampires get you hot."

Buffy: "A vampire got me hot. One. But he's gone. You're just...You're just convenient."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "The only thing that's different is that I'm disgusted with myself."

Spike: (softly) "I love you. (glances at her) You know it. You felt something last night."

Buffy: "Not love."

Spike: "Not yet. But I'm in your system now. You're gonna crave me."

~*~*~*~

Buffy's facial expression changed into disgust and horror.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "What happened? Are you okay?"

Dawn: (crying) "Uh…he was after Willow, she made the car drive, don't! (Buffy tries to look at her injured arm) No, don't!"

Buffy: "I need to see, okay, let me see your arm."

Willow: (crying) "I screwed it up, everything, Tara..."

Buffy: "Yeah, you know what, you did screw up, okay? You could have killed her! You almost did!"

~*~*~*~

Willow: "Okay, I deserve the wrath of Dawn, but ... why is she taking it out on you?"

Buffy: "Because I let it happen."

Willow: "Buffy, I was the one who…"

Buffy: "Who was drowning. My best friend. And I was too wrapped up in my own dumb life to even notice."

~*~*~*~

Xander: "Still trying to mack on Buffy? Wake up already. Never gonna happen! (Spike and Buffy glaring at him) Only a complete loser would ever hook up with you. (Buffy looking insulted) Well, unless she's a simpleton like Harmony, or a, or a nut sack like Drusilla…"

Buffy: "Hey!"

~*~*~*~

Spike: "Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis." Spike leaves shortly.

Ms. Kroger (social worker): "I think I've seen enough."

Buffy: "No, a-actually, I really don't think that you have. It's just…i-it's been kind of, kind of a, a bad time."

Ms. Kroger: "It's been a bad time now for a while, hasn't it, Ms. Summers? Your sister's grades have fallen sharply in the last year, due in large part to her frequent absences and lateness."

Buffy: "But there-there are good reasons."

Ms. Kroger: "Oh, I'm sure there are. But my interest is in Dawn's welfare. And the stability of her home life, something I'm just not convinced that an unemployed young woman like yourself can provide."

Buffy: "I can. I, I do!"

Ms. Kroger: "Well, we'll just have to see about that then, won't we? Oh, and I'm, uh, going to recommend immediate probation in my report."

Buffy: "What does that mean?"

Ms. Kroger: "It means that I'll be monitoring you very closely, Ms. Summers. And if I don't see that things are improving, well, I'll be forced to recommend that you be stripped of your sister's guardianship."

Buffy: "You can't do that."

Ms. Kroger (opens the door) "I do what is in Dawn's best interest…as should you. Have a nice day."

~*~*~*~

Buffy grumbled.

~*~*~*~

Barber Girl: "What exactly would you like me to do?"

Buffy: "Just make me…different."

~*~*~*~

Xander: "No, uh, no. I'm looking for Buf…"

Spike: (quickly) "Haven't seen her."

Xander: "Well, uh, you wouldn't. The fact is, she's come down with a slight case of invisibility."

~*~*~*~

Invisible Buffy: "Come on. He had no idea I was here. This is perfect."

Spike: "Perfect for you."

Invisible Buffy: "Well, picture me confused."

Spike: "This vanishing act's right liberating for you, innit? Go anywhere you want. Do anything you want. Or anyone."

Invisible Buffy: "What are you talking ab…"

Spike: "The only reason you're here, is that you're not here."

Invisible Buffy: "Right. Of course, as usual there's something wrong with Buffy. She came back all wrong. You know, I didn't ask for this to happen to me."

Spike: "Not too put off by it though, are you?"

Invisible Buffy: "No! Maybe because for the first time since…I'm free. Free of rules and reports…free of this life."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "I still have to do some damage control from my giddy-fest. Dawn was pretty freaked out. (pauses) The whole taking-a-vacation-from-me thing didn't work out so well."

Willow: " Tell me about it."

Buffy: "Except…when I got Xander's message…you know, that I was…fading away…I actually got scared."

Willow: "Well, yeah. Who wouldn't?"

Buffy: "Me. I wouldn't. Not too long ago I probably would have welcomed it. But I realized…I'm not saying that I'm doing back-flips about my life, but…I didn't…I don't…wanna die. That's something, right?

~*~*~*~

Buffy sighed in agreement.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "Hi. Welcome to the DoubleMeat Palace, may I help you?"

~*~*~*

Buffy: " I am not a demon. I don't know why you can hit me, but I am not a demon."

Spike: "Oh. I see. That why you took this job? Prove something to yourself? A normal job for a normal girl?"

Spike: "You're not happy here."

Buffy: (quietly) "Please don't make this harder."

Spike: "You don't belong here. You're something…you're better than this."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: (muffled as she looks under a rug) "Have you seen my underwear?"

Spike: "What is this to you? This thing we have."

Buffy: (muffled) "We don't have a…thing, we have…this. (head reappears) That's all."

Spike: "Do you even like me?"

Buffy: (softly) "Sometimes."

Spike: "Do you trust me?"

Buffy: "Never."

~*~*~*~

The slayer's face had a blank expression.

~*~*~*~

Dawn: "I didn't think you'd care. You're never home, so…"

Buffy: "I know. I'm sorry. You know, but I, I'm here now. All visible and everything."

~*~*~*~

Buffy leans on the railing of the balcony of the Bronze and looks down at the dance floor full of happy dancing people, including the Scoobies. Buffy watches them, with a sad smile.

Spike: "You see…you try to be with them…but you always end up in the dark…with me. What would they think of you…if they found out…all the things you've done? (his hand on her bare shoulder strokes slowly down her arm)If they knew…who you really were?"

His hand moves down to her elbow and then farther down.

Buffy: (whispers) "Don't."

Spike: "Stop me."

Spike's hand travels down Buffy's thigh. Buffy closes her eyes. Spike's hand pulls her skirt up. Buffy's face breathes heavily in pleasure. Spike's face making a similar expression of pleasure. Spike gives a strong thrust and they both gasp slightly. Buffy still has her eyes closed. Spike leans in to look at her face.

Spike: "No…don't close your eyes."

She opens her eyes.

Spike: "Look at them. That's not your world. You belong in the shadows…with me.

Buffy looks at her friends as Spike continues moving slowly and talks into Buffy's ear.

Spike: "Look at your friends…and tell me…you don't love getting away with this…right under their noses."

~*~*~*~

Buffy gasped and panted as her body suddenly got very hot.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "I know I haven't been everything I should be…everything Mom was…but I love you. I always will."

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "I'm sorry."

Dawn: "No, you're not.  You're never here. You can't even stand to be around me."

Buffy: "That is not true."

Dawn: (almost crying) "You don't want to be here with me. You didn't want to come back. I know that. You were happier where you were. (crying) You want to go away again."

Buffy: "Dawn…"

Dawn: "Then go! You're not really here anyway."

~*~*~*~

Buffy whimpered in protest.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "I have to do this. Just let me go."

Spike: "I can't. I love you."

Buffy: (upset) "No, you don't."

Spike: (harshly) "You think I haven't tried not to?"

Buffy hauls off and punches him in the face.

Buffy: "Try harder."

~*~*~*~

Buffy attacks Spike. He blocks a couple of punches but then she gets in

Spike: "Come on, that's it, put it on me. Put it all on me. (She kicks him) That's my girl."

Buffy: (yelling) "I am not your girl!"

She hits him hard as he falls back onto his butt. Buffy gets on top of him and begins hitting him over and over.

Buffy: "You don't…have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never…be your girl!"

She continues hitting him whilst speaking. Spike's face returns to human face from vamp face. He looks very bruised and bloody, but he doesn't fight back, just takes it. Buffy hits him again and again, looking angry and desperate. Finally she stops and looks at him in horror.

Spike: (slurred) "You always hurt…the one you love, pet."

~*~*~*~

A frown appeared on the girl's sleeping face.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "Are you sure?"

Buffy sits on the coffee-table facing Tara, who sits on the sofa.

Tara: "I-I've double checked everything. There's nothing wrong with you."

Buffy: "I didn't come back wrong?"

Tara: "No, you're the same Buffy."

Buffy: "There has to be! This just can't be me, it isn't me. (starting to cry) Why do I feel like this? Why do I let Spike do those things to me?"

Tara: "You mean hit you."

Buffy meets Tara's eyes, but only for a moment, then looks away.

Tara: "Oh."

Buffy: "He's everything I hate. He's everything that…I'm supposed to be against. But the only time that I ever feel anything is when…don't tell anyone, please."

Tara: "I won't."

Buffy: (whispers) "Why can't I stop? Why do I keep letting him in?"

Tara: "Do you love him?"

Buffy just stares at her tearfully.

Tara: "I-It's okay if you do. He's done a lot of good, and, and he does love you. A-and Buffy, it's okay if you don't. You're going through a really hard time, and you're…"

Buffy: "What? Using him? What's okay about that?"

Tara: "It's not that simple."

Buffy: "It is! It's wrong. I'm wrong."

~*~*~*~

Buffy hauls Spike into the foyer.

Buffy: "I should have thrown you out the second you got here. (Spike rolls his eyes) I was insane to ever think you could just hang out with my friends."

Spike: "And I was insane to think…(pauses) No, wait. You were right. You're insane.

~*~*~*~

The slayer growled in her sleep.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "Dawn. If you want us to spend time with you…"

Dawn: "I don't. Get out."

Buffy stares at her.

Dawn: (shrieking) "Get out, get out, get out!"

~*~*~*~

Buffy: (quietly) "She's just so angry."

Tara: "It happens. We all went through it."

Buffy: "I know. I just can't figure out why she didn't come to me."

Xander: "Well, you have been a little busy lately."

~*~*~*~

Spike: "So, you ever think about not celebrating a birthday? Just to try it, I mean."

~*~*~*~

Dawn: "No. You don't know! You have this thing you do. You have all these friends. (softly) You have no idea what it's like."

Buffy: "What are you talking about? I don't know what, what…"

Dawn: "Being alone!"

Buffy: "You're not alone!"

Dawn: "Then why do I feel like this?"

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "I wish you would have told me."

Dawn: "You haven't really been…"

Buffy: "What? I haven't been what?"

Dawn: "Around."

Buffy: "Dawn…the most important job that I have…is looking out for you."

~*~*~*~

A mature expression swept over Buffy's teenage features.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "No! Not here."

Spike: "Why not? (pouting)So it's the fear of getting caught, then, is it?"

Buffy: "Reason number one on a very long list." (turns to go)"

Spike: "Needn't be an obstacle."

He takes her hand and pulls her toward the tree. Longer shot of the two of them moving along the side of the building.

Buffy: (sighs) " Spike, I mean it. Come on."

Spike: "I hear you're serious. So am I. I want you…you want me…".

~*~*~*~

Buffy's mouth opened and she mumbled in protest, all the while sleeping.

~*~*~*~

Buffy holds a letter which begins with:

Dear Ms. Summers,

We are sorry to reject your application for re-admittance to UCSD.

~*~*~*~

Sam: "I gotta tell you, Buffy, I'm a little bit intimidated. I mean, patrolling with the real live Slayer, you're like…Santa Claus or something."

Buffy: "Fat and jolly?"

Sam: "Legendary. And it's not just slayer status I'm talking about. It's you."

Buffy: "Riley talks about me?"

Sam: "He didn't say anything for a long time, but I could tell. He was ripped up inside."

Buffy: "He thinks…I let him go."

Sam: "I didn't mean to put you on the spot, Buffy. There's no bad guys in this one. The only thing that could… help Riley work it out was time. Lots of time. Took him a year to get over you."

Buffy: "I'm glad he's over me."

Sam: "So, you seeing anyone new? Someone special?"

Buffy: "You know, I just take my time, you know, I don't…I don't wanna jump right into anything, don't wanna…you know…be defined by who I'm with."

Sam: "Yeah, better no guy than the wrong guy, that's for sure."

~*~*~*~

Buffy scowled.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: (quietly) "Tell me you love me."

Spike: (surprised) "I love you. You know I do."

She takes a couple of steps closer to him.

Buffy: "Tell me you want me."

Spike: (whispers) "I always want you.

Buffy hooks her hand around his neck and pulls him down onto the coffin-couch. Buffy lies down on her back with Spike on top of her. She begins unbuttoning his shirt. Spike pulls at the fastenings on Buffy's bulletproof vest. She stares at his face, pushes the partially unbuttoned shirt down on his shoulders, then uses it to pull him down for a kiss.

~*~*~*~

Buffy: "Look, i-it can't be, okay? He-he's too incompetent. It's just Spike, Riley."

Riley: "Right. Deadly…amoral…(Spike smirking) opportunistic. (quietly) Or have you forgotten?"

~*~*~*~

Buffy punches Spike in the nose again. He falls down, his nose bloody.

Buffy: "No more games."

Spike gets to his feet, angry.

Spike: "Well, that's bloody funny coming from you! No more games? That's all you've ever done is play me. You keep playing with rules you make up as you like. You know what I am. You've always known. You come to me all the same."

~*~*~*~

Riley: "But I have authorization to take the Doctor out. Do you want me to do that?"

Buffy: (shocked) "Do I want you to… (looks away) How can you ask me…I'm sleeping with hi-him. I'm sleeping with Spike."

Riley: "I had actually noticed that."

Buffy: "And then you come back…and did you wait until your life was absolutely perfect and then send that demon here so you could throw it in my face?"

Riley: "Look…you think this was easy for me? I was terrified about seeing you again."

Buffy: "Well, I'm sure my incredible patheticness softened the blow for you."

Riley: "I don't know what you're talking about."

Buffy: "Riley, please don't patronize…"

Riley: "Hey! You want me to say that I liked seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that…burger smell is appealing? Buffy, none of that means anything. It doesn't touch you. You're still the first woman I ever loved…and the strongest woman I've ever known. And I'm not advertising this to the missus…but you're still quite the hottie. So you're not in the greatest place right now. And maybe I made it worse."

Buffy: "No."

Riley: "Wheel never stops turning, Buffy. You're up, you're down…it doesn't change what you are. And you are a hell of a woman."

Buffy: (deep breath) "Riley, that night…I never got the chance…to tell you…how sorry I was. About what happened between us."

Riley: "And you never have to."

~*~*~*~

Spike: "So this is worse then, is it, this is you telling me…"

Buffy: "It's over."

Spike: " I've memorized this tune, luv."

Buffy: "I know that. (pauses) I do want you. (Spike looking surprised) Being with you… makes things…simpler. For a little while

Spike: "I don't call five hours straight a little while."

Buffy: "I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just…being weak, and selfish…"

Spike: (moves even closer) "Really not complaining here."

Buffy: "…and it's killing me."

Buffy: "I'm sorry…William."

She turns and walks off, leaving Spike looking stricken.

~*~*~*~

A sad frown emerged onto Buffy's visage.

~*~*~*

Buffy: (fiddling with Xander's bow tie) "You and Anya give me hope. It's like…you two are proof that there's light at the end of this very long, long, nasty tunnel."

~*~*~*~

Buffy walks along the corridor in a lodge and pauses as she spots Spike ahead, leaning against a wall. He looks up, notices Buffy, and then looks down at the floor. Buffy looks nervous, steels herself and walks over to him.

Spike: (quietly) "Hello, Buffy."

Buffy: "Hey."

Spike: "It's a happy occasion. You meet my friend?"

Buffy: "No. Not yet. But she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous."

Spike: (small smile) " Is it working?"

Buffy: (quietly) "A little. It doesn't change anything…but if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts."

Spike: (softly) "I'm sorry. (remembers himself) Or, Good! You want us to go?"

Buffy: "No. No, I…you have every right to be here. I pretty much deserve…"

Spike: "That's not true, you… God, this is hard."

Buffy: "Yeah."

Spike: "I'll just go. Give 'em my best or whatever. The happy couple."

Buffy: "I will."

Spike: (quietly) "It's nice to watch you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You, uh…you glow."

Buffy: (smiles) "That's because the dress is radioactive."

Spike snorts. They share an amused moment.

Buffy: "I should…"

Spike: "Yeah."

She starts to walk past him.

Spike: "But it hurts?"

She stops, turns back.

Buffy: "Yeah."

Spike: (quietly) "Thanks."

He turns and walks off. Buffy watches him go.

Buffy: (to herself) "You're welcome."

~*~*~*~

BRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

Her alarm clock ringing suddenly woke Buffy up with a jolt, causing her to collapse from the edge of her bed onto a heap on her bedroom floor. The alarm clock continued to ring and her mother called out in concern, but Buffy didn't attempt to get up. She sat wide-eyed and frozen on the ground, recalling the images that were fed to her all night long. She sat remembering…feeling…things that Spike had done to her. Her somber expression suddenly changed into disgust and she darted towards the bathroom.