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A special Thank you to DruidGoddess for beta-reading the story

Guilty of Being Innocent – Part 2

After Remus had left, Sirius Black had decided that he could use a few more hours of shuteye as well. By the time he woke up it was mid-afternoon.

Sirius stretched and grimaced at the small ripple of pain radiating from his left side. His eyes fell onto a book on the nightstand and he picked it up. "Reading Runes" The wizard snorted.

Leave it to Remus to read something like that as a bedtime story.

He set the book back down and looked around. There were two doors. One of them, as he knew, led to the hall. Behind the other one, he assumed, was the bathroom. Yes, taking a bath or shower sounded like a good idea right now. He didn't think Lupin would mind.

As Sirius slipped out of bed he noticed that the pajama pants he was wearing were a little long; hanging in folds around his slim ankles. Remus was even shorter than he was, so there was no way that these pants could be his. Somehow this realization sent a little jolt of jealousy through his body. At the next moment he kicked himself mentally.

Get real, Black. What did you expect? It's been 14 years, 12 of which you spent in Azkaban. You could as well have been dead, you know. Did you think people would put their life on hold while you were gone? Besides, even if he still had any feelings left for you even if he could truly forgive you for getting James and Lily killed, have you looked into a mirror lately? Do you think anybody could feel anything else but pity for you?

Sirius let out a sigh as he staggered into the bathroom and turned on the shower. He slipped out of his pants and stepped into the bathtub. For a long moment he stood just there and let the warm water run over his body. Ahhh, this feels so good. He really had missed those little things that could so easily be taken for granted. Things like clean bed sheets, or a warm shower. Sirius found a bottle of shampoo on a small shelf. When he stepped out of the bathroom, clean and freshly shaven, he felt better than he had in a very long time.


***

When Sirius came downstairs he found his host in the kitchen. Remus turned toward him, eyeing him.

"Should you be on your feet already?"

"I feel a lot better," Sirius stated.

The other man nodded. "You look a lot better too." Indeed, Black looked much more energetic and alive then he had only this morning.

"I took a shower. I still have to do something about that mop I call hair though." Sirius gave a faint smile. "I hope you don't mind me using your soap and your razor."

"Of course not." Remus replied. "I don't own much, but whatever I have is yours for the asking."

"Thank you. It means a lot. – Do you know what happened to my clothing?"

"Oh, yes, let me get it." Lupin disappeared for just a moment and came back with a shabby and faded robe.

"This was the only thing really worth cleaning." He sounded almost apologetic. "We will have to get you some new outfits soon. Until then I'm sure there are a few other things in my father's wardrobe that will fit you."

"Your father's," Sirius echoed as he looked down to the pajama pants he was wearing. Suddenly he felt a little silly for thinking that they might have belonged to an old lover of Remus, and at the same time he felt relieved.

"Yes," Remus nodded. "This house belonged to my parents. I never got around to cleaning out all their stuff yet. Now I'm glad I didn't."

As Sirius slipped into his robe the other wizard walked over to the stove.

"I was just about to make tea. Would you like some?" he offered.

"Thanks, that sounds great."

"How about something to eat? I only have leftover stew and some crackers right now, but there are some steaks I can cook if you want."

Sirius shook his head. "I'm not that hungry right now. Besides you really don't have to trouble yourself because of me. Stew and crackers sounds just fine for supper."

"Are you sure?" Remus asked uncertainly as he lit the fire in the stove with a flick of his wand and put on a teakettle.

"Yes, really." In fact stew and crackers sounded like a meal fit for a king compared to what Sirius usually lived on.

There was a moment of silence until the black-haired wizard asked quietly: "So, how have you been?"

Remus gave a small shrug. "I have been okay better since the Wolfsbane potion was discovered, I suppose. I just curl up and sleep during the full moon"

He busied himself with making the tea so that he didn't have to turn around and face his old friend, but his voice betrayed him anyway.

"I'm sorry," Sirius whispered quietly, almost too softly to be heard.

"What for?" Remus asked.

"EverythingI'm sorry for not trusting you. I'm sorry for letting down James and Lily, and I'm sorry for not being there for you all those years when you needed me."

"Oh Sirius" Remus turned, fighting a sudden tightness in his chest. "You shouldn't feel that way We I" There were so many things he wanted to say, but he just couldn't seem to put them into words right now. Instead he walked to his old friend and embraced him tenderly. He could feel Sirius tense almost instantly. That was not what he had expected. Remus disengaged himself and stepped back, cheeks burning in embarrassment.

Oh God, what was I thinking?

"I'm I'm sorry," he stammered abashed. Before he could turn away Sirius reached out and took hold of his hand.

"Remus, please" The black-haired wizard knew that he had hurt his friend and he felt the need to explain his reaction. "It's just that it has been a long time that anybody has held me like this. I have not gotten used to being touched again. It's hard. It was one of the things I missed the most during the first few months in Azkaban. I would have given anything for some human contact, but after I while"

"I understand. We don't have to talk about this." Lupin told him softly.

"Yes, of course. I'm sorry" Sirius nodded and turned away, and somehow Remus knew that he had said the wrong thing.

"Sirius," he started carefully, hoping that this was going to be right. "If you want to talk I'm more than happy to listen."

The other man looked at him in a mixture of surprise and gratitude. "Are you sure?"

Remus nodded.

"Thank you. Most people think it's too painful for me to talk about my time in Azkaban. - well, it is, but it is even worst not to talk about it."

Lupin nodded understandingly. Back at Hogwarts when James, Sirius and Peter had found out that he was a werewolf, he remembered how overwhelmingly relieved he had felt, once the initial shock had subsided. Finally to have somebody to share his secret' with, somebody to talk to about his worries and fears had made all the difference in the world to him.

"The tea is ready," he said softly. "Why don't we take it into the living room, where we can sit down and talk?"

***

Sirius was sitting on a faded, well-used couch across from Remus, staring into his teacup. There were so many things he wanted to say; he just didn't know where to start. When he looked up he found his friend's amber colored eyes trained on him, watching him expectantly yet patiently.

"Soon after I got to Azkaban I started loosing many of the memories I had about us." Sirius finally started, " They made sure of it. Oh god, I hated them. I knew every time they came I would loose a little bid more of you, and James and those good times we had"

Remus didn't have to ask who they' were. He knew Sirius was talking about the dementors, those vile and repulsive creatures that fed on peace, hope and happiness.

"But I managed to hold on to a few happy little memories of us and then of course those not so happy ones.

One of the things I remember about you is the look on your face when you looked at me at the trial, after the judge read the verdict. At that moment I knew how much you hated me, and I told myself that I had to find a way to escape if for no other reason than to prove to you that I didn't kill James and Lily. They loved that memory. They kept replaying it in my head over and over, almost as often as the moment when I discovered James' and Lily's body." Sirius smiled a little, but it was a sad and bitter smile. "Little did they know that it was one of the few things that truly kept me from going insane."

At that moment all Remus wanted was to take Sirius into his arms and never let go, but he knew better. Instead he just reached out and took the other man's hands into his own, holding them firmly yet gently.

"Sirius, please forgive me."

The black-haired wizard shook his head. "There is nothing to forgive, Moony," he whispered softly. "I have never thought you at fault. Everybody thought I was guilty. For God's sake, if I had been the judge in my own trial I would have probably found myself guilty without a second thought. Peter did a great job setting me up. I think he is a lot smarter than he led everybody to believe."

Though these words made Remus feel a little better, he knew it would take a long time before he would be able to look his friend in the eyes and not feel that burning sense of guilt.

**********

TBC