The Ho! Ho! Ho! Syndrome
Part Two: Santa and Carols
Ritchie and Bernard were out shopping for their wives as the snow rapidly fell that evening. Like most men out shopping, they had NO IDEA where to begin.
"And Alice said if I bring home another power tool I'll be sleeping in the doghouse till St. Patrick's Day." Ritchie explained.
"Tell me about it," Bernard agreed, "Lois is threatening to move in her mother if she doesn't get a diamond bracelet this year. Trouble is, I can't find one cheap enough that doesn't come out of a quarter machine."
The two men laughed for a moment and then heard the loud ringing of a corner Santa. Like all the others he was dressed in a red suit, fake beard, and stood in front of a red pot filled with coins.
"Merry Christmas pals," the Santa greeted them in a strangely high pitched voice. "Care to donate to the cause?" the second time he spoke even shriller than the first.
"For charity? Sure." Bernard agreed and started digging through his pockets. Meanwhile, two men in black were rushing down the sidewalk.
"What's the cause?" Ritchie asked.
"Cause we need coffee!!!!" four separate voices answered.
Ritchie and Bernard stared slack-jawed at the odd schizophrenic Santa Clause.
"That's him!" Zeeltor exclaimed as he observed the odd behavior of the Santa. Without his scanner he had to rely on instincts and Zeeltor's weren't exactly as keen as most peoples.
X sprang towards the Santa but froze when he heard the four shrill screams and smelled…"Hazelnut?"
Ritchie and Bernard stared at the odd scene as the annoyed agent crossed his arms and scolded the Santa, "Alright Worms, come outta there NOW!"
The Santa deflated and four short Worm aliens crawled out from beneath the secondhand human disguise.
"Oh--uh--hi X!" one Worm grinned.
"How's it hangin'?"
"Caught the Santa alien yet?"
"Where'd you get this thing?!" X demanded holding up the suit.
"Um…" the Worms exchanged sweaty looks, "early Christmas present?"
X considered flinging each of the pesky troublemakers into the bay and making wormsicles but the snow had already started accumulating on the streets and it would only be a matter of time before traffic was truly unbearable…even for someone with his calm composure.
"Get in the SUV ASAP!" he ordered before turning to the two dumbstruck men and erasing their memory of the entire situation.
Zeeltor was already nice and toasty inside the SUV playing--of all things--HUMAN carols! If X never heard another Christmas carol as long as he lived it would be TOO SOON!
Getting into the vehicle he gritted his teeth together the whole trip back to headquarters.
******
Back at headquarters the agents were getting into the holiday spirit. U and W were teaching the alien children how to make ornaments to hang on the agency's towering Christmas tree on the main floor while Lee and D.A. (a new recruit from the northern sector) were baking away in the kitchenette.
"What d'ya think?" Lee asked as she held up her pan of freshly baked cookies where D.A. could see.
D.A. couldn't help but laugh a little, "Are those supposed to be stockings or boomerangs?"
Lee wrinkled her nose and stared down at the pan only to join in the laughter when she saw D.A. had a point. "Oh yeah, well…your bells look like tree stumps."
"Play nice in here agents," Agent S warned as she entered the kitchenette with Agent Lucy. "Or Mommy will spank."
"BOOMERANGS!"
"TREE STUMPS!"
"Children." Lucy whispered to S.
"Iiiittt'sss Christmas!" the worms cheered as they came back to their beloved kitchenette and coffee machine.
"You know what that means!" another grinned.
"CINNAMON!" they all started chanting as they pulled out their groceries.
A very sour Agent X pushed his way into the kitchenette next after dropping that dope Zeeltor off at the lab. 'Hehe, he's Yazmine's problem now.'
"Had a hard day sweetie?" S asked, noting the gruff look plastered on his green face.
"Who me?" X replied sarcastically, "Noooo!!! I've only spent the last four and a half hours scouring the city for an alien Santa with that dingbat Zeeltor. I was nearly frostbitten, mauled by eight HUMAN Santas, and oh yes, I got to go coffee shopping for the Worms with their ill-gotten collection money! So what have I got to be unhappy about?!"
"Don't get snippy dear," S patted his shoulder as Lucy placed a few Christmas cookies in a container for Bea. "You should really be in a better mood around this time of year. Just think of all you have to be thankful for."
X grunted as the two older agents left. 'And just what do I have to be thankful for anyway? I've got an ugly grouch for a partner, I'm surrounded by hideous humans 37-7, and I haven't spent a holiday at home in over a year now.'
"Well if it isn't the Grinch!" an all too familiar voice called as she entered the room followed by his partner.
'Perfect, Elle's demon twin.' X sunk further into his seat.
"Merry Christmas Scrooge!" Delia continued.
"If you value your pathetic life human, I suggest you stuff a sugarplum in that giant trap of yours!" X snapped.
"X!" Elle scolded, "Maybe if you weren't such a bring down around the holidays people wouldn't want to tease you."
"Maybe if the holidays weren't filled with idiotic human traditions I wouldn't mind them so much!"
"Oh great," Lee murmured to D.A., "they're gonna break into one of their famous arguments right now."
"Did you know that the average alien peacekeeper engages in 7.6 arguments each week? And it's usually with a coworker." D.A. recited, she was known for her endless supply of trivial information.
"Oh you're just a big sulking baby!" Elle yelled.
"On my home world our traditions make sense!" X countered, "Like internal cleansing and skill sharpening!"
"Internal cleansing?" Delia repeated.
"Isn't that like when the Indians used to make themselves hurl to drive out evil spirits?" Lee asked.
"Something like that," D.A. chuckled.
"Sounds like your people really know how to celebrate." Delia cackled, "Just hang around for New Year's Eve that's all most humans ever do the next morning!"
"I'd advise you not to insult the customs of the JeeDangians," X warned.
"Then stop insulting ours!" Delia shouted.
"Agent X," a passing paper pusher popped their head into the room, "Zed wants to see you and Zeeltor up in his office right away."
Still grumbling beneath his breath X pushed his chair out from under the table and stormed off through the door.
Lee followed with a menacing look on her face.
A few seconds later the remaining agents and Worms exploded into laughter as sounds of Lee singing 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas' echoed through the hall.
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*I'll move on with this story whenever school permits me time, just wanted to have some chapters up for everyone to enjoy in the meantime. Please remember to review everyone!*