Yamato's POV
I wonder if it'll ever come to a close, this whole thing. Kyousuke says the soccer championships are today, after school, and I'm going with him. Well, actually he said he'd like me to go with him, but that's the same thing, isn't it? After all, he takes so much time out of his life for me, can't I even go to a stupid soccer game with him for one afternoon? Can't I do what he wants for once, instead of being so f*cking selfish and always thinking of myself?
I owe Kyou so much, and I don't know how I can ever repay him for everything he's ever done for me, for how well he takes care of me. How well he takes care of me when no one else gives a damn whether or not I live or end up in some hell hole on the streets. So, I'll go to the soccer game with Kyou, so I won't be so selfish anymore.
But I don't want to. Tai's going to be there, and I don't want to see him. I don't want to see him at all. He makes me forget that I'm with Kyousuke, and I can't forget that. Kyou's my world. He takes care of me, and makes sure that I'm all right, and no matter what, I can't forget that. That's why Kyou wants me to stay away from Tai, why he warns me not to talk to him when I see him, not to let him see me at school, not to call him back when he calls me. That's why Kyou gets mad when I talk about Tai, why he looks at me with those big hurt eyes.
Even though I'm empty, I hate seeing those eyes looking at me, asking me why I hurt him so much. So I don't look at them, I keep him from looking like that as much as I can, listening to him, doing what he asks of me. It's not hard to follow Kyou's instructions, he doesn't ask me for much, but as long as I do what he asks, he won't look like that.
"People always
seem to
say
there's hope
in this
strange
cruel world
phoenixes
rise
from ashes
after all
but
fantasy
lies."
And then, after the soccer game, after talking with Kyou, I'll go back home, where Masaheru will hate whatever I do, even if it's nothing, where Natsuko will call the house just to yell at someone again--after all, she can't yell at Takeru, can she?--where Takeru will call and ask why they still fight after all this time, why they can't just get along. And I'll have to tell my little brother I don't know. It's better than telling him the truth, isn't it?
It's better than telling him that it's because both of them want Takeru, that both of them wish I was never born, right? It's better to let him think there's no reason than to make it our fault, right? For Takeru at least... but then, I already know that it's my fault they fight all the time. Masaheru's told me so many times how much better his life would be if I would just jump off the building. I've never had the courage to do that, even though it would make him happier.
Not to say I haven't thought about it. Kyou always gets mad when I talk about things like that, so I learned to stop telling him about those thoughts. After all, it's better than making him angry, right? I don't... deserve to make him angry. He's too good to me for me to make him angry again, over and over again and again... I feel bad that I'm keeping things, but all my emotions are gone now. There's nothing left. I'm empty. So, so empty...
Is Kyou talking to Tai?!
Why would he be talking to Tai? He always gets mad when I say I want to talk to Tai. I don't understand this anymore. Why would Kyou do something he's told me I shouldn't do? It doesn't make any semblance of sense, no, not at all. But then, Kyou knows what he's doing, he always does. That's just the point, isn't it? He's teaching me how to think for myself. He's teaching me to be more independent, to not think about other people.
Only Kyou.
"Only you...
all the world
can disappear
only you
care
enough to
help
so
all the world
can disappear
into oblivion
and
ashes
right?"
Damn, what's wrong with me? Oh, look, there's Kyou now. I'm hiding in the shadows of the building for him, because he says I shouldn't let Taichi see me. He's right, but...how should I know why he says those things? And I shouldn't question it. Kyou knows best.
Doesn't he?
"Yamato, I told you to stay where he couldn't see you!" Kyou whispers furiously, and I find myself involuntarily cringing at his voice. There. I've done it again, I've made him angry, and it's my fault. I'm sorry, Kyou, I didn't mean to do that again. Why am I always screwing up? Maybe it was better before I opened up, that way I wasn't hurting anyone else. "Don't you trust me?" he asks, and I can see the frustration in those eyes, those oh-so-radiant dark eyes. The frustration and the hurt.
I didn't mean to do that...
His fist connects with my arm, and I wince as it hits a bruise from the last time I got him mad. Yesterday, I think. Yeah, when I was late to seeing him. "I'm sorry," I whisper softly, and he growls threateningly at that. I forgot. He hates it when I apologize just after he hits me. He says it makes it seem like I'm only doing it because of that, and it only makes him angrier to know I don't care enough to apologize before that. He says it hurts him.
It's not that I don't care, I want to tell him, It's just that I forgot. I want to tell him, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you angry, I want you to be happy again, only please don't leave me alone again... please... I couldn't stand it if I was alone.
Finally I slump down, wishing the school day was over, wishing I didn't have to see the pain in Kyou's eyes any longer. Oh, I forgot. The soccer game. The championships. I said I'd go with him to that, right? That means... I'll have to see that pain for so much longer. It'll be there every time he looks at me, every time I so much as glance at him.
"Don't you care at all about me?" Kyou asks, and I desperately find his eyes, trying to think up a way to explain to him that I'm sorry, that I love him, that I don't want to lose him ever. Somehow... I don't know how I can make him understand.
"I didn't mean to," I manage, wincing as his fist hits me in the stomach. Curling up, I wonder why he's so angry with me again. Did I really hurt him that much? I didn't... mean to... I'm sorry, Kyou... I didn't mean to... don't be angry...
"Get up," he orders me, and I struggle to do so, glad that he never hits me where the bruises will show. So kind about that, Kyou is. Always thinking a few steps ahead so I don't have to. Making it so much easier for me.
He kisses me gently, and I lean into it. I love him...
"You're not going to tell anyone about this, are you, Yamato?" he asks when he finally breaks away to capture my gaze with his own. Worry rises in those beautiful orbs, and he tenderly brushes away a tear that's gotten loose from my eyes. Stupid tear, stupid me... "After all, you know I'm only trying to help you, right, Yamato?"
I nod my head at his last statement, allowing his arms to enfold me.
I love him...
Um... I've got the next part, but I think I'll wait till 15 reviews total show up, ne? *nods* Ok, well, we'll see what happens.......