Part 7: Conflicts of reasons and feelings
Aoshi's parting kiss left Megumi prey to a thousand conflicting emotions. At first she felt outrage that he would even suggest a marriage for convenience. And yet, the burning memory of his embrace sent delicious tremors through her body. Also, she found herself weighing the pain and disillusionment of the last few months, and loneliness she had known for most of her life, against the possibility of luxurious content as his belief in love. How could such a marriage work?
Aoshi came very much later and changed to his oniwabanshu attire that evening; he went to her room and stood beside her, larger than life, looking deeply into her eyes.
"Well?"
The single word of inquiry exploded in Megumi's brain and for a moment she could not speak. Her well-rehearsed words died out of her throat as a wave of longing, almost violent in its intensity, took their place. In a barely audible whisper, she heard herself telling Aoshi that she would be his wife.
"You won't regret this decision, Megumi. I know you're dreaming of a prince on a white charger who will sweep you away to his castle where there will be no more heart aches, no more problems. Life isn't like that, Megumi-sama as you well know." he called her as if she is an important priceless possession. "If there were no heart aches, how should we know when we are happy?"
His words stayed with her for long time after he left her.
*****
Megumi sat beside Aoshi in his private carriage, shocked that the past week had flown almost as fast as the landscape was flying fast now. Later today they would be married in a temple near a town in Osaka, Yokkaichi.
"What will your sensei would say about.us?" she asked as the carriage moved on near the Kyoto train station. It was a subject they never discussed. Aoshi answered her question openly and frankly. "I informed him this morning and told him. He is upset. But remember this, Megumi. His opinion or anyone else's means nothing to me. I am my own person. I make my own decision, I please myself."
Megumi leaned back in the seat drew in a deep breath. "Are you always so frank?"
"Not always, but I will be with you. I want no secrets between us."
They talked off and on after that, but impersonally, about the land, the birds, the flowers. "Osaka is a very thriving city and one of Japan's biggest." Aoshi said, "It's the center for trading and commerce, having opened its door from outside world influence such as the Dutch and the British. Misao spent three years there, so I'm not surprised why she is extremely fascinated with the western lifestyle. It's a whole new world there where east meet west."
Megumi didn't wonder that people wanted to retire to this busy, lively and commercially-oriented city. But how had she become blessed with the possibility of living here most of her life? She looked at him with a smile in her eyes and wondered fleetingly when the beautiful carriage she was riding in was going to turn back into a pumpkin. A guard tipped his hat as their carriage has made its way near to the entrance of the train station. Aoshi went down the steps in his regal broad pale-beige coat, with his usual commanding and graceful confidence he held out his hand for Megumi. The moment she set her foot in the station, she thought its going to be a plain ride along with the passengers. But she was surprised, that he had one whole private section all for the two of them.
"Is this section really yours? Alone?" He met her tormented glance with puzzlement before he smiled, "Not alone of course. There is someone who will run this train, and there are a lot of passengers as well in other sections, although it's for public use. Are you afraid of the train moving?" He searched her face.
Megumi is not fearful about the short road travel, but she was beginning to grasp the reality of Shinomori Aoshi's wealth and connections. How would she bridge the gap from her world to his? How could she possibly stand beside this man as his wife?
"Aoshi!!" She looked at him now with a look that blended with confusion and fear. "Let's talk about this. I'm not sure.I don't fit in! I've not been much anywhere or know anything that would make me interesting to your people. I've no experience.no. I mean no training. I've never even knew any..martial arts technique!"
"Martial arts technique?" He placed his arm around her and his voice was sharp in her ear. "Who in the hell cares about martial arts technique? You're wrong about yourself, Megumi. You'd be an asset to any man. You are you and that's a part of your charm. My life isn't as adventurous as you possibly think it is. I have these things because my responsibility makes it necessary, not because I'm a show-off."
Megumi said nothing for a long moment, then turned tiredly and rested her forehead against his arm. "If this doesn't work out Aoshi, or if you meet someone, fall in love, and want to marry, this.arrangement doesn't last forever." Her voice was muffled and she felt stupidly close to tears.
"And if you should meet someone, you'll tell me? I'm hoping we'll be able to talk to each other about everything, Megumi." He held her and swayed softly. In his arms, she felt safe. Her answer was almost breathless. "I will. I promise I will."
Their eyes met. Hers were bright with tears, his icy blue eyes became warm and lucid, gently questioning. It seemed both an end and a beginning for them. Aoshi's kiss was quick and firm. He raised his hand and smiled. His voice, when he spoke, was husky.
"I think that bears repeating."
His face came to hers and he kissed her longer and harder. The first time her lips had been compressed with surprise, but now they are soft and unyielding. Her palms rested on his chest before moving around to his back and she hugged him to her. He raised his head. They looked into each other's eyes and exchanged another smile. She was happy, Oh, she was happy! Back in the secret recesses of her mind, though, she knew it wouldn't last. It was too beautiful. When it ended she would adjust.She always had.
*****
The sun shone warmly on Megumi's wedding day, its brilliance touching everything including the pearls clipped on her ears and the magnificent pearl and diamond hair comb clip crafted with the rarest white jade, left by Aoshi moments before they left the inn. Set on her velvety black hair, it was fixed gracefully upwards like a small crown in a traditional female Japanese hairstyle. It adds to her allure, to her mystery. She looked at the stone steps from to the altar, and some portions are decked by her favorite white orchids, in the almost vast and empty temple. Aoshi had taken care of everything. All Megumi had to do was sign her name to the marriage certificate. The ceremony itself was simple and the monk spoke his words solemnly.
It all seemed so unreal to Megumi, like a princess going to the ball. But this is no ball, she quickly reminded herself---it was her wedding day! This day she was joining her life to that of a rich, handsome, storybook prince. Would she wake up to find herself back in Aizu with only a life filled with loneliness stretching out before her?
At the end of the ceremony Aoshi bent down and brushed her cold lips with his, and took her hand and interlaced his fingers with hers. Suddenly, she was terrified, thinking about the enormity of the step she had taken. But Aoshi tightened his hold on her and led her out of the temple, to the inn where they would spend their brief honeymoon.
"Well, Shinomori Megumi?" Aoshi said when they were alone in the room.
Megumi tried to remain calm. "Well, Shinomori Aoshi?" The small laugh she tried refused to come out convincingly. Soundlessly he moved to put his hands on her shoulders. Her heart gave a choking, little thump and she raised a tremulous gaze to his face.
"You were very beautiful today. No man could have been more proud of his bride than I was."
Her lashes dropped and her cheeks felt warm. "Blushes, Megumi? I believe you're genuinely without vanity." His brows were raised in amusement. "I suspect you were have unexpected depths, Megumi. And before many weeks have passed I will have explored every single one of them."
She stood there, silently watching him. He took her hand and led her to the bedroom door.
"The bath is all yours. I'll be waiting for you."
While she ran her hot bath and undressed, she wondered if there are any women in Aoshi's life and how he often he would expect to make love to her. Her sexual experience was limited and had only left her feeling frustrated and used. She gave it to Enishi, when she was blinded by his manipulative nature. Would Aoshi be sweeter to her? What did he expect of her? She felt nervous and full of doubts. When she walked back into the bedroom, Aoshi lay on the bed wearing only a robe, his hands behind his head, a single sheet pulled up to his chest. He eyed her without moving.
Her eyes flickered over him and hurried away. A wild sweet enchantment rippled through her veins and wordlessly she went to him, and put her hand over his. He moved slightly and made room for her to lie beside him.
"Megumi." When he said her name it was a caress. He ran his hand up and down her arm. Finally he said, "I want you to want me, Megumi. Anything else leaves me cold. I won't insist if you're not in the mood."
She almost wanted to cry. The knowledge that he wasn't trying to rush her into fulfilling an obligation brought a welling of love, and tremulous joy. No words could come so she reached out a hand and blew off the beside lamp and slipped into the sheets beside him. His arms were waiting for her and pulled her trembling body against his. They lay quietly for a long while, until her trembling ceased. Then he began to stroke her, his hands uncovering her body slowly, achingly, until she lay naked, soft and warm beside him.
"My Megumi.Boku no amai Megumi-koi."
He leaned over her, his breath warm and moist, his face blurred in the soft light, He touched the tip of her tongue delicately against her mouth. They kissed hungrily, and explosive desire opened between them.
"Do you want me?" The muttered words were barely coherent, thickly groaned into her ear.
"Aoshi, Aoshi.I."
He seemed to understand. With a swift look into her face he took her mouth again. He kissed her as openly and intimately as a man would kiss a woman. She arched against him, her hands moving over the smooth slender muscles of his bare back, slowly disrobing him. She had never felt anything like the sensual enjoyment she was feeling now. She moved against him, clutching at his back while he pressed into her. She wrenched upward and tensed, wanting to know and have every little bit of him. His weight pressed her slimness into the mattress, and her arms tightened about him as they rode out the storm.
When it was over he lay beside her and muttered, "Hai, hai." As if she had said something. She sighed in contentment. In the soft cocoon of the cot her doubts and fears had dissolved, and her body drowsed, luxuriating in this new and wondrous sensation. He looked down at the pale luminous oval of her face.
"Your eyes have lights in the dark. Did you know that?"
She shook her head and raised a hand to his cheek. "Aoshi, I'm not very experienced. I've done this." she shuddered, when she recalled briefly of her torrid encounters with Enishi. "I've done this.only a very few times."
He was still for a long moment. Then he pulled her close and held her for a long time. He whispered softly in her ear as she ran her hands over his back. "You were wonderful. But my pleasure is greater when I give you pleasure. Did you enjoy it?"
"H-Hai!" she framed his face with her hands and reached for his lips. This moment was hers; nothing or no one could take that away from her.
"Go to sleep now, Megumi. The sweetest sleep in the world comes now."
She found that it did. She fell asleep almost immediately, but all night she was subconsciously aware of the warm, male body pressed to her own, the heavy weight of the arm across her body and the hand that cupped her breast. It was a wonderful way to sleep. That honeymoon was right out of a romantic novel. Although it only lasted four days and four wonderful, glorious nights, it was the kind of honeymoon that comes at the end of the story when love triumphs and the couple walk off into the sunset.
By the time they left Yokkaichi, Megumi knew beyond a doubt that she had fallen utterly and completely in love with Aoshi. The knowledge filled her with joy but also with sadness, because she was fully aware that Aoshi didn't love her in the same romantic way. Would she be able to bear that reality?
(Translation: Boku no amai = my sweet., koi= short of koishii/koibito( which means darling/sweetheart in a serious relationship)
Aoshi's parting kiss left Megumi prey to a thousand conflicting emotions. At first she felt outrage that he would even suggest a marriage for convenience. And yet, the burning memory of his embrace sent delicious tremors through her body. Also, she found herself weighing the pain and disillusionment of the last few months, and loneliness she had known for most of her life, against the possibility of luxurious content as his belief in love. How could such a marriage work?
Aoshi came very much later and changed to his oniwabanshu attire that evening; he went to her room and stood beside her, larger than life, looking deeply into her eyes.
"Well?"
The single word of inquiry exploded in Megumi's brain and for a moment she could not speak. Her well-rehearsed words died out of her throat as a wave of longing, almost violent in its intensity, took their place. In a barely audible whisper, she heard herself telling Aoshi that she would be his wife.
"You won't regret this decision, Megumi. I know you're dreaming of a prince on a white charger who will sweep you away to his castle where there will be no more heart aches, no more problems. Life isn't like that, Megumi-sama as you well know." he called her as if she is an important priceless possession. "If there were no heart aches, how should we know when we are happy?"
His words stayed with her for long time after he left her.
*****
Megumi sat beside Aoshi in his private carriage, shocked that the past week had flown almost as fast as the landscape was flying fast now. Later today they would be married in a temple near a town in Osaka, Yokkaichi.
"What will your sensei would say about.us?" she asked as the carriage moved on near the Kyoto train station. It was a subject they never discussed. Aoshi answered her question openly and frankly. "I informed him this morning and told him. He is upset. But remember this, Megumi. His opinion or anyone else's means nothing to me. I am my own person. I make my own decision, I please myself."
Megumi leaned back in the seat drew in a deep breath. "Are you always so frank?"
"Not always, but I will be with you. I want no secrets between us."
They talked off and on after that, but impersonally, about the land, the birds, the flowers. "Osaka is a very thriving city and one of Japan's biggest." Aoshi said, "It's the center for trading and commerce, having opened its door from outside world influence such as the Dutch and the British. Misao spent three years there, so I'm not surprised why she is extremely fascinated with the western lifestyle. It's a whole new world there where east meet west."
Megumi didn't wonder that people wanted to retire to this busy, lively and commercially-oriented city. But how had she become blessed with the possibility of living here most of her life? She looked at him with a smile in her eyes and wondered fleetingly when the beautiful carriage she was riding in was going to turn back into a pumpkin. A guard tipped his hat as their carriage has made its way near to the entrance of the train station. Aoshi went down the steps in his regal broad pale-beige coat, with his usual commanding and graceful confidence he held out his hand for Megumi. The moment she set her foot in the station, she thought its going to be a plain ride along with the passengers. But she was surprised, that he had one whole private section all for the two of them.
"Is this section really yours? Alone?" He met her tormented glance with puzzlement before he smiled, "Not alone of course. There is someone who will run this train, and there are a lot of passengers as well in other sections, although it's for public use. Are you afraid of the train moving?" He searched her face.
Megumi is not fearful about the short road travel, but she was beginning to grasp the reality of Shinomori Aoshi's wealth and connections. How would she bridge the gap from her world to his? How could she possibly stand beside this man as his wife?
"Aoshi!!" She looked at him now with a look that blended with confusion and fear. "Let's talk about this. I'm not sure.I don't fit in! I've not been much anywhere or know anything that would make me interesting to your people. I've no experience.no. I mean no training. I've never even knew any..martial arts technique!"
"Martial arts technique?" He placed his arm around her and his voice was sharp in her ear. "Who in the hell cares about martial arts technique? You're wrong about yourself, Megumi. You'd be an asset to any man. You are you and that's a part of your charm. My life isn't as adventurous as you possibly think it is. I have these things because my responsibility makes it necessary, not because I'm a show-off."
Megumi said nothing for a long moment, then turned tiredly and rested her forehead against his arm. "If this doesn't work out Aoshi, or if you meet someone, fall in love, and want to marry, this.arrangement doesn't last forever." Her voice was muffled and she felt stupidly close to tears.
"And if you should meet someone, you'll tell me? I'm hoping we'll be able to talk to each other about everything, Megumi." He held her and swayed softly. In his arms, she felt safe. Her answer was almost breathless. "I will. I promise I will."
Their eyes met. Hers were bright with tears, his icy blue eyes became warm and lucid, gently questioning. It seemed both an end and a beginning for them. Aoshi's kiss was quick and firm. He raised his hand and smiled. His voice, when he spoke, was husky.
"I think that bears repeating."
His face came to hers and he kissed her longer and harder. The first time her lips had been compressed with surprise, but now they are soft and unyielding. Her palms rested on his chest before moving around to his back and she hugged him to her. He raised his head. They looked into each other's eyes and exchanged another smile. She was happy, Oh, she was happy! Back in the secret recesses of her mind, though, she knew it wouldn't last. It was too beautiful. When it ended she would adjust.She always had.
*****
The sun shone warmly on Megumi's wedding day, its brilliance touching everything including the pearls clipped on her ears and the magnificent pearl and diamond hair comb clip crafted with the rarest white jade, left by Aoshi moments before they left the inn. Set on her velvety black hair, it was fixed gracefully upwards like a small crown in a traditional female Japanese hairstyle. It adds to her allure, to her mystery. She looked at the stone steps from to the altar, and some portions are decked by her favorite white orchids, in the almost vast and empty temple. Aoshi had taken care of everything. All Megumi had to do was sign her name to the marriage certificate. The ceremony itself was simple and the monk spoke his words solemnly.
It all seemed so unreal to Megumi, like a princess going to the ball. But this is no ball, she quickly reminded herself---it was her wedding day! This day she was joining her life to that of a rich, handsome, storybook prince. Would she wake up to find herself back in Aizu with only a life filled with loneliness stretching out before her?
At the end of the ceremony Aoshi bent down and brushed her cold lips with his, and took her hand and interlaced his fingers with hers. Suddenly, she was terrified, thinking about the enormity of the step she had taken. But Aoshi tightened his hold on her and led her out of the temple, to the inn where they would spend their brief honeymoon.
"Well, Shinomori Megumi?" Aoshi said when they were alone in the room.
Megumi tried to remain calm. "Well, Shinomori Aoshi?" The small laugh she tried refused to come out convincingly. Soundlessly he moved to put his hands on her shoulders. Her heart gave a choking, little thump and she raised a tremulous gaze to his face.
"You were very beautiful today. No man could have been more proud of his bride than I was."
Her lashes dropped and her cheeks felt warm. "Blushes, Megumi? I believe you're genuinely without vanity." His brows were raised in amusement. "I suspect you were have unexpected depths, Megumi. And before many weeks have passed I will have explored every single one of them."
She stood there, silently watching him. He took her hand and led her to the bedroom door.
"The bath is all yours. I'll be waiting for you."
While she ran her hot bath and undressed, she wondered if there are any women in Aoshi's life and how he often he would expect to make love to her. Her sexual experience was limited and had only left her feeling frustrated and used. She gave it to Enishi, when she was blinded by his manipulative nature. Would Aoshi be sweeter to her? What did he expect of her? She felt nervous and full of doubts. When she walked back into the bedroom, Aoshi lay on the bed wearing only a robe, his hands behind his head, a single sheet pulled up to his chest. He eyed her without moving.
Her eyes flickered over him and hurried away. A wild sweet enchantment rippled through her veins and wordlessly she went to him, and put her hand over his. He moved slightly and made room for her to lie beside him.
"Megumi." When he said her name it was a caress. He ran his hand up and down her arm. Finally he said, "I want you to want me, Megumi. Anything else leaves me cold. I won't insist if you're not in the mood."
She almost wanted to cry. The knowledge that he wasn't trying to rush her into fulfilling an obligation brought a welling of love, and tremulous joy. No words could come so she reached out a hand and blew off the beside lamp and slipped into the sheets beside him. His arms were waiting for her and pulled her trembling body against his. They lay quietly for a long while, until her trembling ceased. Then he began to stroke her, his hands uncovering her body slowly, achingly, until she lay naked, soft and warm beside him.
"My Megumi.Boku no amai Megumi-koi."
He leaned over her, his breath warm and moist, his face blurred in the soft light, He touched the tip of her tongue delicately against her mouth. They kissed hungrily, and explosive desire opened between them.
"Do you want me?" The muttered words were barely coherent, thickly groaned into her ear.
"Aoshi, Aoshi.I."
He seemed to understand. With a swift look into her face he took her mouth again. He kissed her as openly and intimately as a man would kiss a woman. She arched against him, her hands moving over the smooth slender muscles of his bare back, slowly disrobing him. She had never felt anything like the sensual enjoyment she was feeling now. She moved against him, clutching at his back while he pressed into her. She wrenched upward and tensed, wanting to know and have every little bit of him. His weight pressed her slimness into the mattress, and her arms tightened about him as they rode out the storm.
When it was over he lay beside her and muttered, "Hai, hai." As if she had said something. She sighed in contentment. In the soft cocoon of the cot her doubts and fears had dissolved, and her body drowsed, luxuriating in this new and wondrous sensation. He looked down at the pale luminous oval of her face.
"Your eyes have lights in the dark. Did you know that?"
She shook her head and raised a hand to his cheek. "Aoshi, I'm not very experienced. I've done this." she shuddered, when she recalled briefly of her torrid encounters with Enishi. "I've done this.only a very few times."
He was still for a long moment. Then he pulled her close and held her for a long time. He whispered softly in her ear as she ran her hands over his back. "You were wonderful. But my pleasure is greater when I give you pleasure. Did you enjoy it?"
"H-Hai!" she framed his face with her hands and reached for his lips. This moment was hers; nothing or no one could take that away from her.
"Go to sleep now, Megumi. The sweetest sleep in the world comes now."
She found that it did. She fell asleep almost immediately, but all night she was subconsciously aware of the warm, male body pressed to her own, the heavy weight of the arm across her body and the hand that cupped her breast. It was a wonderful way to sleep. That honeymoon was right out of a romantic novel. Although it only lasted four days and four wonderful, glorious nights, it was the kind of honeymoon that comes at the end of the story when love triumphs and the couple walk off into the sunset.
By the time they left Yokkaichi, Megumi knew beyond a doubt that she had fallen utterly and completely in love with Aoshi. The knowledge filled her with joy but also with sadness, because she was fully aware that Aoshi didn't love her in the same romantic way. Would she be able to bear that reality?
(Translation: Boku no amai = my sweet., koi= short of koishii/koibito( which means darling/sweetheart in a serious relationship)