Disclaimer: Don't own LoK or its characters
____________________________________________
[The scene is the inside of a cell in the Eternal Prison, and Kain is inside the
cell, playing with a paddle-ball thingy]
Kain: (while desperately trying to get the ball to hit the paddle) I hate this thing! I could
never get these things to work right!
Warden 1: (unintelligible) Grrnwwwrrrnrrrjrrrr.
Kain: What?
Warden 1: (unintelligible) Grrnwwwrrrnrrrjrrrr.
Kain: Clearly this is not working. Speak E-N-G-L-I-S-H.
Warden 1: Grrnnrrkkrrlprrlrr.
Kain: (sighs) Why?
Warden 1: Grrnnssrrdystrrrhhrrkkrr.
Kain: I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!
Warden 1: Grrnnrrhhrrffrrjjrrkrkrrkrr.
Kain: (very PO'ed) I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!
Warden 1: (laughs hard)
Kain: YOU'RE TRYING TO PISS ME OFF, AREN'T YOU!
Warden 1: Grraarrssrrddrrvvrr.
Kain: I hate you. Besides, I need a new paddleball. This one is so obviously broke.
Warden 1: (while pointing his finger at Kain then in all other sorts of directions)
Grraararrrfjjrr.
Kain: (sighs) I see we'll have to do this in charades.
Warden 1: Grrttrriirrnnrrpprr?
Kain: What are you saying?
(then Warden 1 points at Kain)
Kain: You? (Warden 1 shakes his head) Me? (Warden 1 nods his head) So far we've
gotten the word "Kain", am I right?
(Warden 1 nods then prisses around)
Kain: Pansy? (Warden 1 shakes his head) Dancing? (Warden 1 shakes his head then
decides to priss holding his hand out flat) Gay? (Warden 1 nods) So far we've got the
following words, "Kain gay." (then Kain thinks hard) I'm not gay, you bastard!
Warden 1: Grrnnrrvvrrbbrroorr.
Kain: I so very much hate you.
[10 hours later]
Kain: (still playing charades with Warden 1) So this is the torture you put people
through. I never should have gone back to Meridian; I knew something bad would
happen.
Warden 1: (mimes riding on a horse)
Kain: Horse? (then Warden 1 nods) So far we've got the words "Kain, you stupid vile
evil gay pansy who got locked in here because you were to stupid and weak to even
ride a horse." In that case, I hate you.
Warden 1: Grrhhrryyrruurroirriorr.
Kain: Am I gonna spend eternity in this hellhole?
Warden 1: (nods)
Kain: (sighs) When I eventually escape from here I'm going to hunt you down and
insert a trombone into you. (then Kain tries possessing Warden 1) I still don't
understand why I can't possess you; your mind can't be that strong.
Warden 1: (knocks on his head)
Kain: Ah, you have no mind. (Warden 1 nods) You utter idiot.
[Then the scene switches to inside of Turel's tank and it's working]
Raziel: (sitting at the cannon) So, Turel, where did you find this tank?
Turel: Inheritance.
Raziel: Why would Kain give you a tank?
Turel: Not him. It was sent to me from someone I knew a LONG time ago, when I was
still a sarafan.
Raziel: What was the name of the person who sent it to you?
Turel: Bast Ard.
Zephon: Yes?
Turel: No, that was the man's name. Bast Ard.
Dumah: Are we gonna get moving or what?
Melchiah: Why do you care?
Dumah: I don't. I wanna see if I can bribe the Warden to strip search Kain then shoot
Kain with a fire hose!
Rahab: Technically, in case anyone cares, this tank was made back 20 years ago, when
it was used for-
Zephon: Ah who cares! Let's blow stuff up!
Raziel: But we've gotta go save Kain.
Turel: We need to make a plan.
Dumah: I know! We go in there screaming and yelling and if a Warden gets in my way,
I'll rip his nipples off!
Rahab: Technically, Wardens are whats-its.
Zephon: Whats-its?
Rahab: That's what we call things that we don't know what they are.
Dumah: Let's go kick some whats-its ass! Yahoo, go Turel, we will sort out a plan when
we get there!
(then Turel drives the tank but soon realizes he still doesn't have a window and doesn't
know where the hell they are)
Turel: Someone's gonna have to go out and look around.
Melchiah: I will do this brave deed.
Zephon: Your head will fall off!
Dumah: I'll do it! Just follow my lead Turel and Razzygirl.
(then Dumah climbes on top of the tank)
Raziel: Okay, calling me Razzyboy is one thing, but calling me Razzygirl is another.
Dumah: (from outside the tank) Well, we're not sure what you are anymore, so would
you prefer Razzywhats-it?
Raziel: I hate you Dumah.
(so Dumah kept them at the right direction and they were soon at the front gates of the
Eternal Prison. Oh, and don't ask me how the tank got over all the gaps, cause I don't
know)
Dumah: (from outside the tank) Keep on going. (sees they're inches from the door)
Raziel: Do I stop now?
Dumah: Keep on going. (evil grin) Go faster!
(then the tank rams through the doors, catching the attention of 100 Wardens)
Dumah: (from outside the tank) Fire, quickly!
Turel: Dumah, you constipated monkey anus, you were supposed to tell us when we
were outside the Eternal Prison!
Dumah: (lowering back into the tank) Well, we're inside now so you might as well fire.
(then the 100 Wardens overpowered the tank)
Turel: I feel really stupid being overpowered in a tank.
(then they push the tank upside-down)
Raziel: (sighs) Now we're stuck. Good going Dumah!
Dumah: You're welcome!
Zephon: I know how to solve this problem! We'll have to wait until nightfall!
Dumah: And do what?
Zephon: Since everyone will be asleep, we crawl through the cannon to the outside!
Turel: Zephon, that's a good idea for a change.
Zephon: Yes, I'm good aren't I?
(so then it's now nightfall)
Zephon: I forgot my brilliant plan.
Dumah: You idiot!
Rahab: Yeah, now what?
Raziel: Well, it must've been a crappy plan.
Zephon: I have a brilliant idea! We stay here until the morning, then we scream and
when the Wardens check it out, we can tell them a snake bit us!
Dumah: I have come up with a non-crappy plan, unlike Zephon's. My plan is that we
crawl through the cannon!
Melchiah: Good idea!
Dumah: Zephon, you first.
Zephon: Awesome.
(so then Zephon's crawling through the cannon, then halfway through, Dumah gets a
really mean idea)
Dumah: I have a really hilarious idea.
[BOOM!]
Turel: If you killed him, I'm telling dad.
Dumah: So? Dad hates him.
Turel: Crap. You next!
(then Dumah went next, along with all the other. Zephon was nowhere in sight and the
Wardens were all asleep)
Raziel: So now anyone can just walk in? Only total idiots wouldn't be able to get
through this place at night. (then Raziel notices something) The doors are even
unlocked at night! Only an idiot couldn't get in here.
Moebius' voice: (from the other side of the door) Please, let me in someone!
Raziel: I rest my case.
(so they go forward, trying to find Kain and Zephon and Dumah repeatedly made fun of
the inmates until they got to Kain's cell. Warden 1 fell asleep right in the middle of
miming)
Raziel: Kain, wake up!
Kain: (looks up and sees them all except for Zephon, who's still missing) Right now I'm
having a dream about 5 retarded ingrates.
Melchiah: Daddy, I've missed you!
Kain: Aw crap, it's not a dream.
Turel: We are here to rescue you then you'll be free again!
Dumah: Aw, I can't let that happen! (then Dumah gets right up to Warden 1's ear and
decides to scream very loudly) WAKE UP IDIOT!
Zephon's echoing voice: I'm awake!
Warden 1: (scarred badly) GRRJJRRNNRRHHRRIIURRPPRRKKRR!
Kain: What?
All but Kain and Zephon: (to Dumah) YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!
Kain: (to Raziel) YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU WOKE HIM UP!
Raziel: (disbelief) Dumah, I so hate you.
[Now everyone's in jail, but Zephon's still missing. And they're in the same jail cell as well]
Raziel: Dumah, I hate you.
Kain: Dumah, I'm sorry RAZIEL had to screw up my rescue.
Raziel: But Dumah did it!
Kain: Don't lie Raziel.
Rahab: Has anyone got a pop-tart?
(they all stare at him)
Rahab: What? I'm hungry.
Turel: Why would anyone have a pop-tart?
Rahab: I'm tired so I'm not thinking straight.
Turel: (singing to himself) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen
Nobody knows but Jesus.
Dumah: (interrupting him) If you manage to go as far as to pull out a harmonica, I'll kill
you myself.
Kain: Seconded.
(then they all heard someone running up to their cell and it turned out to be Zephon!
And he had the keys with him! Then he locked himself into the cell with them and
threw the key away)
Zephon: Hi guys.
(they looked at the key, then Zephon, key, Zephon, key, Zephon)
Zephon: We playing some sort of game?
Kain: Zephon, WHY DID YOU THROW AWAY THE KEYS AND LOCK YOURSELF IN HERE!
THE LAST THING I NEED IS A TOTAL PRAT LIKE YOU LOCKING YOURSELF IN HERE
WITH US!
Zephon: Oh, you see I was playing "Go Fish" and I betted that if I beat the Warden
then I could own this place, but if I lost, I'd have to come here and throw away the
keys. I lost.
Kain: (twitching his left eye in anger)
Dumah: You've made his eye twitch!
Zephon: Oh come on! What's wrong with this place? It looks cool!
(then Zephon notices that one of the walls is rubber)
Zephon: Rubber wall! (then Zephon bounces all over the rubber wall) Man, this is fun!
Kain: I have figured a way out. We will use someone's HARD HEAD to knock open this
cell. (then they all peered at Zephon)
(well, whatever Kain says goes and that's why they're now trying to ram open the cell
with Raziel's fragile head)
Kain: (while ramming Raziel) Maybe this isn't working.
Raziel: (ram!) That's what I've (ram!) been saying this (ram!) whole time! (ram!) Has
anyone got some aspirin?
Kain: Put him down. (they do so) That was fun.
Raziel: I should hate you so much right now.
Rahab: Well, this isn't working well.
Melchiah: He's right! We need a harder head.
(they all stare at Rahab. So then, by Kain's command, they were smashing Raziel's
head into the cell again)
Kain: (sighs)
Rahab: This isn't working.
(they put Raziel down)
Kain: Are you sure this isn't working?
Raziel: YES!
Zephon: Hey guys, this is fun! (Zephon bounces on the wall) I love this place!
Kain: I guess we just sit here and wait till whenever we can find a way out.
(so they all sat and were very miserable until they all fell asleep)
Dumah: (snoring incredibly loud) KKKKKKKKKKKKKKACKKKKKK! WHEW! KKKKKKKACK!
Raziel: (waken up by the snores) I hate you Dumah.
Dumah: (sleep-talking) I love you Raziel.
Raziel: O_O
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Raziel, the only reason I'm mean to you is because I care about
you. You're like the cream filling of a chocolate covered cream filled doughnut.
Raziel: O_O
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Let's abandon Kain and run away together.
Raziel: (his jaw drops...well, I guess that can't happen, eh?)
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Don't touch me there Raziel, I'm not ready yet.
(Raziel faints. Then the next morning everyone is awoken by Warden 1 splashing water
in their faces)
Lieutenants and Kain: IT BURNS!
Warden 1: Grrnnrrllrrjjrroorrpprr.
Kain: I so hate Warden 1.
Dumah: (yawning) What a nice dream.
Raziel: (nervous) What was it about?
Dumah: (trying to think of a good story) I was trapped on Gilligan's Island and
everyone tasted so good. Especially that fat guy, he must be sneaking in food onto that
island, because coconuts can't give you that much weight.
Rahab: (whiney voice) I'm hungry.
Zephon: (reaching into his pocket to see if he has anything to eat, then feels
something) Hey, what's this? (Zephon pulls out a key) Oh yeah, I forgot all about this
spare key! I had it in case I lost the other one and if we needed to get out because of
an emergency!
(they all glare evil glares at him)
Zephon: What? This key's only for emergencies.
Kain: (PO'ed) Don't you think this is an emergency?
Zephon: I guess.
(then everyone beats up Zephon, uses the key, and sneaks around the Eternal Prison)
Kain: (sneaking behind some pillars) Pillars are everywhere, huh?
Dumah: (quietly to himself) Aw man, if Kain escapes then I won't be able to rule
Nosgoth! I must stop him.
Kain: (seeing the doors out of Eternal Prison) Look, there's the doors!
Dumah: (screaming) YES, THOSE ARE THE DOORS. WITH THOSE KAIN, YES THE
ESCAPED PRIOSNER KAIN, CAN ESCAPE! I HOPE THE WARDENS DON'T FIND OUT OR
WE MAY ESCAPE!
Kain: (to Raziel) Stop screaming Raziel! Do you want us caught!?
Raziel: (PO'ed) But it wasn't me!
Dumah: OH NO, WE ARE ESCAPING NOW!
(then a few Wardens looked up and saw them moving toward the door while Turel was
beating up Dumah. The Wardens watched as the lieutenants and Kain escaped)
Warden 2: Grrnnrrffrrddrroorr. [Translation: Were they heading to the doors?]
Warden 3: Grrbbrrffrr. [Translation: Yes. But that couldn't have been them, Warden 1
would never let us down.]
(then Warden 1 walked in)
Warden 1: Grrvvrrddrrqqrrwwrr. [Translation: Have you seen my prisoners, they've
escaped.]
Warden 3: Grrnnrrggrrffrrkkrr. [Translation: Damn, I hate you so much Warden 1.]
[The lieutenants and Kain were now outside looking for a way out. Rahab spotted a big
ship that they could use]
Rahab: Hey, let's use that ship!
(then they all climbed into the ship and sailed away. Soon, they were lost)
Kain: (to Dumah) Dumah, I would like to say, thank you for rescuing me. I almost like
you son.
Dumah: I like you too father.
Raziel: What about me! I led the escape!
Kain: You just repeatedly almost got us caught ingrate!
Turel: Hey Rahab, what's this ship called?
Rahab: (reading the name of the boat) The S.S. Minnow.
Dumah: (kinda scared) What?
Rahan: Relax, it's not an omen.
Dumah: I hope you're right.
Zephon: Now we sail back to the Pillars.
Turel: Where are we?
Rahab: I don't know. We're lost.
(then there was a loud explosion. Everyone looked behind them and saw a ship led by
Moebius, still with Vorador's body, leading the assault ship)
Kain: Oh crap. Hey, whatever happened to Vorador's head?
Turel: Yeah, wasn't it in the tank?
(then the ship got shot and the back half of the ship blown off. Water slashed all over
them)
Zephon: Rahab?
Rahab: Yes?
Zephon: The ship's sinking. They're firing.
Kain: Yes, thank you. If they shoot me, I'm sure you'll point it out.
(then the next blast hit Kain)
Kain: AHH, MOTHER FU-
Zephon: Kain, you've been shot!
Kain: No sh** Sherlock!
(then Kain starts strangling Zephon, then the hole ship gets blown up, except for the
lifeboats. Everyone immediately tries to fall into the lifeboats that were conveniently
waiting beside the ship. Zephon, Kain, and Rahab landed in one boat, Dumah and
Raziel in another, and Melchiah and Turel in the last. Moebius drove away, thinking he
had killed them. They all got separated and all still headed torward the island)
Kain: (PO'ed)
Rahab: (in the middle rowing the boat)
Zephon: Let's sing some songs to calm us down.
Kain: (wanting to take out his soul reaver, but found it missing) Oh crap, they must still
have it at the Eternal Prison.
Rahab: This is good exercise!
Zephon: Ooh, lemme try!
Kain: (annoyed sigh) I'm stuck here with Super Nerd and his sidekick Dumbass Boy.
Zephon: Hey, hey, hey! That is not true! I'm not the sidekick!
(then in Raziel and Dumah boat, Raziel can't row the boat and Dumah refuses to)
Raziel: Why won't you row the boat!
Dumah: (trying to come up with a good lie) Um...I have that disease where you fall
to sleep easily. (then Dumah actually falls right to sleep. I don't see how some people
can do that)
Raziel: Oh great.
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Yes that is great Raziel. Yes, that's a GREAT back rub.
Raziel: O_O
Dumah: (sleep-talking) You're someone I can tell anything to. Once, when I was young,
a decided to pee on an electric fence as a dare.
Raziel: (shocked beyond belief)
Dumah: (sleep-talking) It hurted at first, but then it felt good. I'm so glad I can talk to
you about such things Razzyhoney.
(Raziel faints. Melchiah and Turel are doing extremely well and are almost on the island
when some old-ish guy teleports on their boat carrying a soul reaver)
Turel: Who are you?
Old guy: I'm Michael Bell and I've come to kill you Turel.
Turel: Why me?
Michael Bell: You threw Raziel into the abyss.
Melchiah: This is not gonna be good.
Turel: What's up with you and Raziel?
Michael Bell: I'm his One-Winged Angel.
Turel: Um...
Michael Bell: Die! (then Michael Bell poked a hole in the boat with the soul reaver then
he disappeared)
Melchiah: Oh crap.
Turel: We're gonna have to jump!
Melchiah: Serious?
Turel: (worried tone) Yes.
(then they both jump and actually land on the island)
Turel: Okay, who's that Michael Bell and why's he so pissed at me?
Melchiah: And is it just me or does he sound EXACTLY like Raziel?
Turel: Yeah, he does doesn't he? I wonder why?
(back with Kain, they are getting very close to the island)
Kain: (sterring with boat with Zephon's head) We're almost there.
Rahab: You know, it's to bad we lost the oars when that shark attacked.
Zephon: (above water) Why do I (submerged then above) have to be (submerged then
above) the new oar?
(then Zephon's head hit a rock while underwater, then solid land)
Kain: Zephon, why'd you stop?
Zephon: (climbing onto the boat) First of all, you messed up my hair. Second of all,
we've reached land.
Kain: Land! HAHA!
Zephon: I hope they have a blow dryer here, because it's either a blow dryer of gel.
And gel is kind of cold.
Rahab: Let's go!
(then, as Kain tried to step out, natives aimed their spears at Kain)
Kain: Whoa, what's going on here?
Native 1: Grrbbrrddrrwwrrssrr.
Kain: OH GOD NO!!! I HATE YOU PEOPLE!
Rahab: These guys must used to have been Wardens.
Kain: (sarcastically) YOU THINK? I HATE THESE GUYS!
Native 2: (to Native 1) Grrbbrrvvrrhhrruurryyrr. [Translation: Hey, let's smash these
guys head open with a rock and then eat them.]
Native 1: Grrssbbrrnnrkkrjjhrr. [Translation: Nah, let's cut them up, one by one.]
Native 2: Grraaffrrnnrrjjkrrkrkrr. [Translation: Yummy.]
Kain: Rehab, what the hell are they saying?
Rahab: Don't look at me.
Kain: Well Rehab, since you're a major nerd I thought you'd know what they were
saying.
Native 1: Grreennrrmrkjrjkrr-GRRJJRRJRJRR! [Translation: I say we eat them and
squish their liver and-LOOK AT HIM! IT'S THE SAVIOUR!]
(Native 1 and 2 pointed at Zephon)
Native 2: Grrsstrrnnrjrhryrr. [Translation: Is that the ancient spider that will some day
save us all! It is!]
Native 1: Grrnnr? Grrkkrjhrjurirr. [Translation: Really? I thought it was Spiderman.]
Native 2: (to Zephon) (broken English) What...you...name?
Zephon: Zephon.
Kain: His name is Dumbass Boy.
Native 2: Come...us...with.
Kain: I can tell now that I'm going to hate this place.
(then they all wandered into the island. Meanwhile, Raziel and Dumah's boat is nearing
land and Raziel is conscious again)
Raziel: Almost at land.
Dumah: (sleep-talking) I say you and me go and ASSASSINATE KAIN! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Raziel: I should wake him. (then Raziel gets a good idea) Time to wake up!
(so Raziel chose to wake Dumah up by pushing Dumah off the boat-just to land in the
sand because they were already on land)
Raziel: Damn it!
Dumah: (waking up) Hey, we're on land! Yay!
Raziel: Come on, let's go see if we can find the others.
(then they were both wandering through a forest on the island, when Raziel saw
someone throw a spear at Dumah, hitting Dumah's leg. Then he saw that the person
that did it was some strange old guy with a reaver and Raziel watched him disappear)
Dumah: (holding his leg with the spear in it) OH FRICKIN' OUCH MAN!
Raziel: (grinning) Um...
(then the old man with the soul reaver reappeared on a tree and threw another spear
into Dumah's other leg)
Dumah: OH OUCH!!! (to his left leg) OW!! (to his right leg) OW!! (to his left leg) OW!!
(to his right leg) OW!! (to Raziel) OW!!
Raziel: (laughing) What's going on here?
(then the old man with the soul reaver threw a spear into Dumah's left arm)
Dumah: OW FRICK IT! THIS IS TOO MUCH!
(then he threw a spear into Dumah's right arm and hopped down to Raziel)
Dumah: OH FRICKIN' OUCHIES!
Raziel: (seeing old man) Um, thanks Bell.
Michael Bell: He threw you into the abyss. I shall take him to the Promised Land!
Raziel: No, don't kill him! You can leave now.
Michael Bell: Be free! (then Michael Bell disappears)
Dumah: (while prancing around in pain) OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!
Raziel: Come on, let's go find the others.
(Turel and Melchiah were still wandering around bored, so let's go to Zephon and the
others. Zephon was on a throne the natives had built. Rahab and Kain were nowhere
to be seen)
Zephon: Were are the other two?
Native 3: Here...the...are.
(Rahab and Kain were led out by Natives 2 and 4)
Kain: I feel like a slab of meat.
Zephon: Do you know who they are!?
Native 2: Yes. (pointing at Rahab) Fish and (pointing at Kain) Chips.
Zephon: Fish and Chips?
Native 4: Yeah.
Zephon: Um...free Fish. You can do what you like with Chips, as long as you don't
kill him.
Kain: Zephon, you smug SOB.
Zephon: (to Native 3) Anyone else?
Native 3: Let...introduce...Holy Rolly Head!
(so Native 3 brought out Vorador's head on a silver platter)
Zephon: Vorador!
Vorador's head: Yes Zephon?
Zephon: How'd you get here?
Vorador's head: When the tank got tipped over, I got rolled out of it and conveniently
landed on a conveniently placed lifeboat. Then I got sailed to over here.
Rahab: Thanks for saving me.
Zephon: I understand them calling you Fish, but calling Kain Chips?
Rahab: I don't know.
(then Turel and Melchiah wandered in and the Natives saw them)
Native 2: (pointing at Melchiah) Meat and (pointing at Turel) Margaret Thatcher!
Zephon: What!?
(then Raziel and Dumah wandered in, Dumah still in pain)
Native 4: (pointing at Raziel) Godzilla and (pointing at Dumah) Megalon the ugly
cockroach thing!
Native 3: They all die!
Zephon: Wait!
Turel: Okay people, shut up! I think I can explain this! (then, in his singing voice)
Ahem, now sit back here and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started at
the Eternal Prison aboard this tiny ship, aboard this tiny ship! The weather started
getting good and a ship shot us and thee-eeen we weren't able to save the Minnow,
which then got lost. And now we're stranded here on this enchanted desert isle, with
Zephon, Kain too, Dumah, at his bro! (pointing at Melchiah) The ego maniac, (pointing
at Raziel) Rahab and I, are stranded on this isle!
Native 4: Wow.
Turel: Thank you. I think that sorted everything out.
Native 2: So is Chips innocent?
Zephon: Well, ye-
Dumah: No!
Zephon: Shut up Megalon!
Kain: I'm innocent!
Turel: You've said that before!
Kain: Shut up Margaret Thatcher! (then Kain gets an idea) Hey Natives! I can do magic!
If I do magic, can I rule all!
Native 4: Sure.
Raziel: Oh crap.
Dumah: Someone get these spears off of me!
Kain: Immolate!
(so Kain Immolated Raziel)
All Natives: WOW! Not even Zephon did that!
Kain: Zephon's a false god!
Natives: BOO!!
Zephon: I really hate Kain.
Natives: Chips is the new god! Hoorah!
Kain: Hoorah!
Lieutenants: Eep!
Kain: This is gonna be fun...
________________________________________________
Soory, this took so long, it was a combo of laziness and writers' block. Well, I hope you liked this chapter, review, and in the next chapter, they escape from the island!
____________________________________________
[The scene is the inside of a cell in the Eternal Prison, and Kain is inside the
cell, playing with a paddle-ball thingy]
Kain: (while desperately trying to get the ball to hit the paddle) I hate this thing! I could
never get these things to work right!
Warden 1: (unintelligible) Grrnwwwrrrnrrrjrrrr.
Kain: What?
Warden 1: (unintelligible) Grrnwwwrrrnrrrjrrrr.
Kain: Clearly this is not working. Speak E-N-G-L-I-S-H.
Warden 1: Grrnnrrkkrrlprrlrr.
Kain: (sighs) Why?
Warden 1: Grrnnssrrdystrrrhhrrkkrr.
Kain: I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!
Warden 1: Grrnnrrhhrrffrrjjrrkrkrrkrr.
Kain: (very PO'ed) I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!
Warden 1: (laughs hard)
Kain: YOU'RE TRYING TO PISS ME OFF, AREN'T YOU!
Warden 1: Grraarrssrrddrrvvrr.
Kain: I hate you. Besides, I need a new paddleball. This one is so obviously broke.
Warden 1: (while pointing his finger at Kain then in all other sorts of directions)
Grraararrrfjjrr.
Kain: (sighs) I see we'll have to do this in charades.
Warden 1: Grrttrriirrnnrrpprr?
Kain: What are you saying?
(then Warden 1 points at Kain)
Kain: You? (Warden 1 shakes his head) Me? (Warden 1 nods his head) So far we've
gotten the word "Kain", am I right?
(Warden 1 nods then prisses around)
Kain: Pansy? (Warden 1 shakes his head) Dancing? (Warden 1 shakes his head then
decides to priss holding his hand out flat) Gay? (Warden 1 nods) So far we've got the
following words, "Kain gay." (then Kain thinks hard) I'm not gay, you bastard!
Warden 1: Grrnnrrvvrrbbrroorr.
Kain: I so very much hate you.
[10 hours later]
Kain: (still playing charades with Warden 1) So this is the torture you put people
through. I never should have gone back to Meridian; I knew something bad would
happen.
Warden 1: (mimes riding on a horse)
Kain: Horse? (then Warden 1 nods) So far we've got the words "Kain, you stupid vile
evil gay pansy who got locked in here because you were to stupid and weak to even
ride a horse." In that case, I hate you.
Warden 1: Grrhhrryyrruurroirriorr.
Kain: Am I gonna spend eternity in this hellhole?
Warden 1: (nods)
Kain: (sighs) When I eventually escape from here I'm going to hunt you down and
insert a trombone into you. (then Kain tries possessing Warden 1) I still don't
understand why I can't possess you; your mind can't be that strong.
Warden 1: (knocks on his head)
Kain: Ah, you have no mind. (Warden 1 nods) You utter idiot.
[Then the scene switches to inside of Turel's tank and it's working]
Raziel: (sitting at the cannon) So, Turel, where did you find this tank?
Turel: Inheritance.
Raziel: Why would Kain give you a tank?
Turel: Not him. It was sent to me from someone I knew a LONG time ago, when I was
still a sarafan.
Raziel: What was the name of the person who sent it to you?
Turel: Bast Ard.
Zephon: Yes?
Turel: No, that was the man's name. Bast Ard.
Dumah: Are we gonna get moving or what?
Melchiah: Why do you care?
Dumah: I don't. I wanna see if I can bribe the Warden to strip search Kain then shoot
Kain with a fire hose!
Rahab: Technically, in case anyone cares, this tank was made back 20 years ago, when
it was used for-
Zephon: Ah who cares! Let's blow stuff up!
Raziel: But we've gotta go save Kain.
Turel: We need to make a plan.
Dumah: I know! We go in there screaming and yelling and if a Warden gets in my way,
I'll rip his nipples off!
Rahab: Technically, Wardens are whats-its.
Zephon: Whats-its?
Rahab: That's what we call things that we don't know what they are.
Dumah: Let's go kick some whats-its ass! Yahoo, go Turel, we will sort out a plan when
we get there!
(then Turel drives the tank but soon realizes he still doesn't have a window and doesn't
know where the hell they are)
Turel: Someone's gonna have to go out and look around.
Melchiah: I will do this brave deed.
Zephon: Your head will fall off!
Dumah: I'll do it! Just follow my lead Turel and Razzygirl.
(then Dumah climbes on top of the tank)
Raziel: Okay, calling me Razzyboy is one thing, but calling me Razzygirl is another.
Dumah: (from outside the tank) Well, we're not sure what you are anymore, so would
you prefer Razzywhats-it?
Raziel: I hate you Dumah.
(so Dumah kept them at the right direction and they were soon at the front gates of the
Eternal Prison. Oh, and don't ask me how the tank got over all the gaps, cause I don't
know)
Dumah: (from outside the tank) Keep on going. (sees they're inches from the door)
Raziel: Do I stop now?
Dumah: Keep on going. (evil grin) Go faster!
(then the tank rams through the doors, catching the attention of 100 Wardens)
Dumah: (from outside the tank) Fire, quickly!
Turel: Dumah, you constipated monkey anus, you were supposed to tell us when we
were outside the Eternal Prison!
Dumah: (lowering back into the tank) Well, we're inside now so you might as well fire.
(then the 100 Wardens overpowered the tank)
Turel: I feel really stupid being overpowered in a tank.
(then they push the tank upside-down)
Raziel: (sighs) Now we're stuck. Good going Dumah!
Dumah: You're welcome!
Zephon: I know how to solve this problem! We'll have to wait until nightfall!
Dumah: And do what?
Zephon: Since everyone will be asleep, we crawl through the cannon to the outside!
Turel: Zephon, that's a good idea for a change.
Zephon: Yes, I'm good aren't I?
(so then it's now nightfall)
Zephon: I forgot my brilliant plan.
Dumah: You idiot!
Rahab: Yeah, now what?
Raziel: Well, it must've been a crappy plan.
Zephon: I have a brilliant idea! We stay here until the morning, then we scream and
when the Wardens check it out, we can tell them a snake bit us!
Dumah: I have come up with a non-crappy plan, unlike Zephon's. My plan is that we
crawl through the cannon!
Melchiah: Good idea!
Dumah: Zephon, you first.
Zephon: Awesome.
(so then Zephon's crawling through the cannon, then halfway through, Dumah gets a
really mean idea)
Dumah: I have a really hilarious idea.
[BOOM!]
Turel: If you killed him, I'm telling dad.
Dumah: So? Dad hates him.
Turel: Crap. You next!
(then Dumah went next, along with all the other. Zephon was nowhere in sight and the
Wardens were all asleep)
Raziel: So now anyone can just walk in? Only total idiots wouldn't be able to get
through this place at night. (then Raziel notices something) The doors are even
unlocked at night! Only an idiot couldn't get in here.
Moebius' voice: (from the other side of the door) Please, let me in someone!
Raziel: I rest my case.
(so they go forward, trying to find Kain and Zephon and Dumah repeatedly made fun of
the inmates until they got to Kain's cell. Warden 1 fell asleep right in the middle of
miming)
Raziel: Kain, wake up!
Kain: (looks up and sees them all except for Zephon, who's still missing) Right now I'm
having a dream about 5 retarded ingrates.
Melchiah: Daddy, I've missed you!
Kain: Aw crap, it's not a dream.
Turel: We are here to rescue you then you'll be free again!
Dumah: Aw, I can't let that happen! (then Dumah gets right up to Warden 1's ear and
decides to scream very loudly) WAKE UP IDIOT!
Zephon's echoing voice: I'm awake!
Warden 1: (scarred badly) GRRJJRRNNRRHHRRIIURRPPRRKKRR!
Kain: What?
All but Kain and Zephon: (to Dumah) YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!
Kain: (to Raziel) YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU WOKE HIM UP!
Raziel: (disbelief) Dumah, I so hate you.
[Now everyone's in jail, but Zephon's still missing. And they're in the same jail cell as well]
Raziel: Dumah, I hate you.
Kain: Dumah, I'm sorry RAZIEL had to screw up my rescue.
Raziel: But Dumah did it!
Kain: Don't lie Raziel.
Rahab: Has anyone got a pop-tart?
(they all stare at him)
Rahab: What? I'm hungry.
Turel: Why would anyone have a pop-tart?
Rahab: I'm tired so I'm not thinking straight.
Turel: (singing to himself) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen
Nobody knows but Jesus.
Dumah: (interrupting him) If you manage to go as far as to pull out a harmonica, I'll kill
you myself.
Kain: Seconded.
(then they all heard someone running up to their cell and it turned out to be Zephon!
And he had the keys with him! Then he locked himself into the cell with them and
threw the key away)
Zephon: Hi guys.
(they looked at the key, then Zephon, key, Zephon, key, Zephon)
Zephon: We playing some sort of game?
Kain: Zephon, WHY DID YOU THROW AWAY THE KEYS AND LOCK YOURSELF IN HERE!
THE LAST THING I NEED IS A TOTAL PRAT LIKE YOU LOCKING YOURSELF IN HERE
WITH US!
Zephon: Oh, you see I was playing "Go Fish" and I betted that if I beat the Warden
then I could own this place, but if I lost, I'd have to come here and throw away the
keys. I lost.
Kain: (twitching his left eye in anger)
Dumah: You've made his eye twitch!
Zephon: Oh come on! What's wrong with this place? It looks cool!
(then Zephon notices that one of the walls is rubber)
Zephon: Rubber wall! (then Zephon bounces all over the rubber wall) Man, this is fun!
Kain: I have figured a way out. We will use someone's HARD HEAD to knock open this
cell. (then they all peered at Zephon)
(well, whatever Kain says goes and that's why they're now trying to ram open the cell
with Raziel's fragile head)
Kain: (while ramming Raziel) Maybe this isn't working.
Raziel: (ram!) That's what I've (ram!) been saying this (ram!) whole time! (ram!) Has
anyone got some aspirin?
Kain: Put him down. (they do so) That was fun.
Raziel: I should hate you so much right now.
Rahab: Well, this isn't working well.
Melchiah: He's right! We need a harder head.
(they all stare at Rahab. So then, by Kain's command, they were smashing Raziel's
head into the cell again)
Kain: (sighs)
Rahab: This isn't working.
(they put Raziel down)
Kain: Are you sure this isn't working?
Raziel: YES!
Zephon: Hey guys, this is fun! (Zephon bounces on the wall) I love this place!
Kain: I guess we just sit here and wait till whenever we can find a way out.
(so they all sat and were very miserable until they all fell asleep)
Dumah: (snoring incredibly loud) KKKKKKKKKKKKKKACKKKKKK! WHEW! KKKKKKKACK!
Raziel: (waken up by the snores) I hate you Dumah.
Dumah: (sleep-talking) I love you Raziel.
Raziel: O_O
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Raziel, the only reason I'm mean to you is because I care about
you. You're like the cream filling of a chocolate covered cream filled doughnut.
Raziel: O_O
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Let's abandon Kain and run away together.
Raziel: (his jaw drops...well, I guess that can't happen, eh?)
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Don't touch me there Raziel, I'm not ready yet.
(Raziel faints. Then the next morning everyone is awoken by Warden 1 splashing water
in their faces)
Lieutenants and Kain: IT BURNS!
Warden 1: Grrnnrrllrrjjrroorrpprr.
Kain: I so hate Warden 1.
Dumah: (yawning) What a nice dream.
Raziel: (nervous) What was it about?
Dumah: (trying to think of a good story) I was trapped on Gilligan's Island and
everyone tasted so good. Especially that fat guy, he must be sneaking in food onto that
island, because coconuts can't give you that much weight.
Rahab: (whiney voice) I'm hungry.
Zephon: (reaching into his pocket to see if he has anything to eat, then feels
something) Hey, what's this? (Zephon pulls out a key) Oh yeah, I forgot all about this
spare key! I had it in case I lost the other one and if we needed to get out because of
an emergency!
(they all glare evil glares at him)
Zephon: What? This key's only for emergencies.
Kain: (PO'ed) Don't you think this is an emergency?
Zephon: I guess.
(then everyone beats up Zephon, uses the key, and sneaks around the Eternal Prison)
Kain: (sneaking behind some pillars) Pillars are everywhere, huh?
Dumah: (quietly to himself) Aw man, if Kain escapes then I won't be able to rule
Nosgoth! I must stop him.
Kain: (seeing the doors out of Eternal Prison) Look, there's the doors!
Dumah: (screaming) YES, THOSE ARE THE DOORS. WITH THOSE KAIN, YES THE
ESCAPED PRIOSNER KAIN, CAN ESCAPE! I HOPE THE WARDENS DON'T FIND OUT OR
WE MAY ESCAPE!
Kain: (to Raziel) Stop screaming Raziel! Do you want us caught!?
Raziel: (PO'ed) But it wasn't me!
Dumah: OH NO, WE ARE ESCAPING NOW!
(then a few Wardens looked up and saw them moving toward the door while Turel was
beating up Dumah. The Wardens watched as the lieutenants and Kain escaped)
Warden 2: Grrnnrrffrrddrroorr. [Translation: Were they heading to the doors?]
Warden 3: Grrbbrrffrr. [Translation: Yes. But that couldn't have been them, Warden 1
would never let us down.]
(then Warden 1 walked in)
Warden 1: Grrvvrrddrrqqrrwwrr. [Translation: Have you seen my prisoners, they've
escaped.]
Warden 3: Grrnnrrggrrffrrkkrr. [Translation: Damn, I hate you so much Warden 1.]
[The lieutenants and Kain were now outside looking for a way out. Rahab spotted a big
ship that they could use]
Rahab: Hey, let's use that ship!
(then they all climbed into the ship and sailed away. Soon, they were lost)
Kain: (to Dumah) Dumah, I would like to say, thank you for rescuing me. I almost like
you son.
Dumah: I like you too father.
Raziel: What about me! I led the escape!
Kain: You just repeatedly almost got us caught ingrate!
Turel: Hey Rahab, what's this ship called?
Rahab: (reading the name of the boat) The S.S. Minnow.
Dumah: (kinda scared) What?
Rahan: Relax, it's not an omen.
Dumah: I hope you're right.
Zephon: Now we sail back to the Pillars.
Turel: Where are we?
Rahab: I don't know. We're lost.
(then there was a loud explosion. Everyone looked behind them and saw a ship led by
Moebius, still with Vorador's body, leading the assault ship)
Kain: Oh crap. Hey, whatever happened to Vorador's head?
Turel: Yeah, wasn't it in the tank?
(then the ship got shot and the back half of the ship blown off. Water slashed all over
them)
Zephon: Rahab?
Rahab: Yes?
Zephon: The ship's sinking. They're firing.
Kain: Yes, thank you. If they shoot me, I'm sure you'll point it out.
(then the next blast hit Kain)
Kain: AHH, MOTHER FU-
Zephon: Kain, you've been shot!
Kain: No sh** Sherlock!
(then Kain starts strangling Zephon, then the hole ship gets blown up, except for the
lifeboats. Everyone immediately tries to fall into the lifeboats that were conveniently
waiting beside the ship. Zephon, Kain, and Rahab landed in one boat, Dumah and
Raziel in another, and Melchiah and Turel in the last. Moebius drove away, thinking he
had killed them. They all got separated and all still headed torward the island)
Kain: (PO'ed)
Rahab: (in the middle rowing the boat)
Zephon: Let's sing some songs to calm us down.
Kain: (wanting to take out his soul reaver, but found it missing) Oh crap, they must still
have it at the Eternal Prison.
Rahab: This is good exercise!
Zephon: Ooh, lemme try!
Kain: (annoyed sigh) I'm stuck here with Super Nerd and his sidekick Dumbass Boy.
Zephon: Hey, hey, hey! That is not true! I'm not the sidekick!
(then in Raziel and Dumah boat, Raziel can't row the boat and Dumah refuses to)
Raziel: Why won't you row the boat!
Dumah: (trying to come up with a good lie) Um...I have that disease where you fall
to sleep easily. (then Dumah actually falls right to sleep. I don't see how some people
can do that)
Raziel: Oh great.
Dumah: (sleep-talking) Yes that is great Raziel. Yes, that's a GREAT back rub.
Raziel: O_O
Dumah: (sleep-talking) You're someone I can tell anything to. Once, when I was young,
a decided to pee on an electric fence as a dare.
Raziel: (shocked beyond belief)
Dumah: (sleep-talking) It hurted at first, but then it felt good. I'm so glad I can talk to
you about such things Razzyhoney.
(Raziel faints. Melchiah and Turel are doing extremely well and are almost on the island
when some old-ish guy teleports on their boat carrying a soul reaver)
Turel: Who are you?
Old guy: I'm Michael Bell and I've come to kill you Turel.
Turel: Why me?
Michael Bell: You threw Raziel into the abyss.
Melchiah: This is not gonna be good.
Turel: What's up with you and Raziel?
Michael Bell: I'm his One-Winged Angel.
Turel: Um...
Michael Bell: Die! (then Michael Bell poked a hole in the boat with the soul reaver then
he disappeared)
Melchiah: Oh crap.
Turel: We're gonna have to jump!
Melchiah: Serious?
Turel: (worried tone) Yes.
(then they both jump and actually land on the island)
Turel: Okay, who's that Michael Bell and why's he so pissed at me?
Melchiah: And is it just me or does he sound EXACTLY like Raziel?
Turel: Yeah, he does doesn't he? I wonder why?
(back with Kain, they are getting very close to the island)
Kain: (sterring with boat with Zephon's head) We're almost there.
Rahab: You know, it's to bad we lost the oars when that shark attacked.
Zephon: (above water) Why do I (submerged then above) have to be (submerged then
above) the new oar?
(then Zephon's head hit a rock while underwater, then solid land)
Kain: Zephon, why'd you stop?
Zephon: (climbing onto the boat) First of all, you messed up my hair. Second of all,
we've reached land.
Kain: Land! HAHA!
Zephon: I hope they have a blow dryer here, because it's either a blow dryer of gel.
And gel is kind of cold.
Rahab: Let's go!
(then, as Kain tried to step out, natives aimed their spears at Kain)
Kain: Whoa, what's going on here?
Native 1: Grrbbrrddrrwwrrssrr.
Kain: OH GOD NO!!! I HATE YOU PEOPLE!
Rahab: These guys must used to have been Wardens.
Kain: (sarcastically) YOU THINK? I HATE THESE GUYS!
Native 2: (to Native 1) Grrbbrrvvrrhhrruurryyrr. [Translation: Hey, let's smash these
guys head open with a rock and then eat them.]
Native 1: Grrssbbrrnnrkkrjjhrr. [Translation: Nah, let's cut them up, one by one.]
Native 2: Grraaffrrnnrrjjkrrkrkrr. [Translation: Yummy.]
Kain: Rehab, what the hell are they saying?
Rahab: Don't look at me.
Kain: Well Rehab, since you're a major nerd I thought you'd know what they were
saying.
Native 1: Grreennrrmrkjrjkrr-GRRJJRRJRJRR! [Translation: I say we eat them and
squish their liver and-LOOK AT HIM! IT'S THE SAVIOUR!]
(Native 1 and 2 pointed at Zephon)
Native 2: Grrsstrrnnrjrhryrr. [Translation: Is that the ancient spider that will some day
save us all! It is!]
Native 1: Grrnnr? Grrkkrjhrjurirr. [Translation: Really? I thought it was Spiderman.]
Native 2: (to Zephon) (broken English) What...you...name?
Zephon: Zephon.
Kain: His name is Dumbass Boy.
Native 2: Come...us...with.
Kain: I can tell now that I'm going to hate this place.
(then they all wandered into the island. Meanwhile, Raziel and Dumah's boat is nearing
land and Raziel is conscious again)
Raziel: Almost at land.
Dumah: (sleep-talking) I say you and me go and ASSASSINATE KAIN! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Raziel: I should wake him. (then Raziel gets a good idea) Time to wake up!
(so Raziel chose to wake Dumah up by pushing Dumah off the boat-just to land in the
sand because they were already on land)
Raziel: Damn it!
Dumah: (waking up) Hey, we're on land! Yay!
Raziel: Come on, let's go see if we can find the others.
(then they were both wandering through a forest on the island, when Raziel saw
someone throw a spear at Dumah, hitting Dumah's leg. Then he saw that the person
that did it was some strange old guy with a reaver and Raziel watched him disappear)
Dumah: (holding his leg with the spear in it) OH FRICKIN' OUCH MAN!
Raziel: (grinning) Um...
(then the old man with the soul reaver reappeared on a tree and threw another spear
into Dumah's other leg)
Dumah: OH OUCH!!! (to his left leg) OW!! (to his right leg) OW!! (to his left leg) OW!!
(to his right leg) OW!! (to Raziel) OW!!
Raziel: (laughing) What's going on here?
(then the old man with the soul reaver threw a spear into Dumah's left arm)
Dumah: OW FRICK IT! THIS IS TOO MUCH!
(then he threw a spear into Dumah's right arm and hopped down to Raziel)
Dumah: OH FRICKIN' OUCHIES!
Raziel: (seeing old man) Um, thanks Bell.
Michael Bell: He threw you into the abyss. I shall take him to the Promised Land!
Raziel: No, don't kill him! You can leave now.
Michael Bell: Be free! (then Michael Bell disappears)
Dumah: (while prancing around in pain) OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!
Raziel: Come on, let's go find the others.
(Turel and Melchiah were still wandering around bored, so let's go to Zephon and the
others. Zephon was on a throne the natives had built. Rahab and Kain were nowhere
to be seen)
Zephon: Were are the other two?
Native 3: Here...the...are.
(Rahab and Kain were led out by Natives 2 and 4)
Kain: I feel like a slab of meat.
Zephon: Do you know who they are!?
Native 2: Yes. (pointing at Rahab) Fish and (pointing at Kain) Chips.
Zephon: Fish and Chips?
Native 4: Yeah.
Zephon: Um...free Fish. You can do what you like with Chips, as long as you don't
kill him.
Kain: Zephon, you smug SOB.
Zephon: (to Native 3) Anyone else?
Native 3: Let...introduce...Holy Rolly Head!
(so Native 3 brought out Vorador's head on a silver platter)
Zephon: Vorador!
Vorador's head: Yes Zephon?
Zephon: How'd you get here?
Vorador's head: When the tank got tipped over, I got rolled out of it and conveniently
landed on a conveniently placed lifeboat. Then I got sailed to over here.
Rahab: Thanks for saving me.
Zephon: I understand them calling you Fish, but calling Kain Chips?
Rahab: I don't know.
(then Turel and Melchiah wandered in and the Natives saw them)
Native 2: (pointing at Melchiah) Meat and (pointing at Turel) Margaret Thatcher!
Zephon: What!?
(then Raziel and Dumah wandered in, Dumah still in pain)
Native 4: (pointing at Raziel) Godzilla and (pointing at Dumah) Megalon the ugly
cockroach thing!
Native 3: They all die!
Zephon: Wait!
Turel: Okay people, shut up! I think I can explain this! (then, in his singing voice)
Ahem, now sit back here and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started at
the Eternal Prison aboard this tiny ship, aboard this tiny ship! The weather started
getting good and a ship shot us and thee-eeen we weren't able to save the Minnow,
which then got lost. And now we're stranded here on this enchanted desert isle, with
Zephon, Kain too, Dumah, at his bro! (pointing at Melchiah) The ego maniac, (pointing
at Raziel) Rahab and I, are stranded on this isle!
Native 4: Wow.
Turel: Thank you. I think that sorted everything out.
Native 2: So is Chips innocent?
Zephon: Well, ye-
Dumah: No!
Zephon: Shut up Megalon!
Kain: I'm innocent!
Turel: You've said that before!
Kain: Shut up Margaret Thatcher! (then Kain gets an idea) Hey Natives! I can do magic!
If I do magic, can I rule all!
Native 4: Sure.
Raziel: Oh crap.
Dumah: Someone get these spears off of me!
Kain: Immolate!
(so Kain Immolated Raziel)
All Natives: WOW! Not even Zephon did that!
Kain: Zephon's a false god!
Natives: BOO!!
Zephon: I really hate Kain.
Natives: Chips is the new god! Hoorah!
Kain: Hoorah!
Lieutenants: Eep!
Kain: This is gonna be fun...
________________________________________________
Soory, this took so long, it was a combo of laziness and writers' block. Well, I hope you liked this chapter, review, and in the next chapter, they escape from the island!