Disclaimer: Don't own LoK blah blah blah.
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[The scene is a big boat or ship or whatever you wanna call it and the
lieutenants are searching the swamps for Vorador's head because it flew off
somewhere around here]
Raziel: Found it yet?
Rahab: Nope.
Dumah: Why are we even looking? Vorador was a crusty old bastard that we're better
off without.
Melchiah: A crusty person?
Turel: Yeah, you know. Like crusty crust on KFC chicken. It's to live for.
Kain: Okay, I'm not sure if you've realized this, but Vorador's head isn't chicken.
Zephon's voice: Ooh, did someone say chicken?
Dumah: You guys are talking like you haven't had anything to eat in years!
Raziel: We've non-stop been searching this place for a WEEK and so I'm hungry and
cranky.
Dumah: (sarcastically) You mean crusty.
Rahab: Dumah, you are so anal.
Kain: That's my son!
Dumah: Thank you father.
Raziel: (sad puppy dog eyes)
Kain: Raziel, if both your eyes were the same color then it would be sadder. But I just
can't feel bad starring into 1 yellow eye and 1 white eye. It's strange.
Turel: I'm hungry.
Kain: That isn't gonna help us! Buckle up!
Melchiah: What, are we about to drive?
Kain: That's not what I mean idiot.
Rahab: Guys, we're lost. We are not to extremely far from Moebius' house so we could
always ask for directions.
Kain: (sarcastically) In other words, we call him and ask, "Hey Moebius, which way to
Vorador's head. We seem to have broken Vorador and lost him."
Zephon's voice: You think that would work?
Raziel: Hey, I've got this mean idea. Hand me the phone.
[At Moebius' house]
Moebius: It's time to play Bingo!
Mabes: (sugar-high as usual) YAY! BINGO! BB-II-NN-GG-OO! THAT MEANS BINGO BE
HIS NAMEY-O! YAY YAHOO!
(then their phone rings)
Moebius: (talking in the phone) Hello?
Raspy voice on other end of phone: Hello Moebius! What's your favorite scary movie!?
Moebius: (while holding the phone and terrfied) (screams) (screams) (screams)
(screams) (screams) (screams) (screams)
[Back at the boat]
Raziel: (holding the phone out for everyone to here) Heehehehehe.
Moebius: (other end) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
Raziel: (hangs up on him) That was fun!
Rahab: Hehe, yeah.
Kain: So did you ask?
Raziel: Um...
Kain: Call him again.
Dumah: Wait! Before you call, you've got to know that this may be long distance!
Raziel: So?
Dumah: (snatching the phone) That means it'll cost more money! Do you want cheaper
and longer service? If so, call 1-800 C-O-L-L-E-C-T. Just 99 cents and only 7 cents a
minute after the first 20 minutes.
Raziel: (taking the phone back) Riiiiiiight...
Dumah: Just call 1-800 C-O-L-L-E-C-T. It'll save you a buck or two!
Kain: Oh come on, what can you do with a dollar.
Dumah: You can use it for long distance calls. Just call C-A-L-L- A-T-T. It's easy, just
dial down the center!
Zephon's voice: Hot damn, that's cheap!
Dumah: Remember, just call 1-800 C-A-L-L-A-T-T.
Rahab: Are you sure you've got that right?
Raziel: Um...uh-oh. The phone won't work.
Dumah: Maybe it's because of the boat's interference. It' just like a car, so if we're
having trouble, just call Prep Boys. People like them, cars LOVE them. (then Dumah
smiles showing his sparkly teeth)
Turel: You're advertising, aren't you?
Dumah: What makes you say that?
Kain: Razzyboy, let me see the phone.
(then Raziel walks over to Kain and hands Kain the phone)
Kain: What's wrong with this thing?
(then, irritated, Kain decides he think it'll work if the phone hits something, so Kain hits
Raziel over the head with the phone)
Raziel: (holding his head) Ow!
Kain: (then he sees the the phone got broke when he hit Raziel with it) Razzyboy, you
broke the phone!
Raziel: Me!?! You're the one who hit me with it!
Melchiah: Okay guys, enough with this gay banter! Let's just scout for directions!
Dumah: What the hell is "gay banter?"
Rahab: I'll go into the swamp and ask directions.
(then Rahab dove into the swamp and found a giant squid!)
Rahab: Ahh! What the hell are you?
Squid: I am Elder God, you fool!
Rahab: Okay. Do you know which way Vorador's head went?
Elder God: Well how am I supposed to know?
Rahab: Cause you're a god. You know a lot of stuff right?
Elder God: I know how to clone, I know how to create worlds, I know the meaning of
life, but the one thing I don't know is how to cook a good muffin.
Rahab: So?
Elder God: If you can teach me to make a good muffin, I'll know how to do everything.
If you teach me, I'll not only help you locate your missing head, but also grant you a
wish.
(then Rahab resurfaces)
Rahab: Hey guys!
Kain: What?
Rahab: Does any of you know how to make muffins?
Zephon's voice: ...
Kain: ...
Raziel: ...
Turel: ...
Melchiah: Ooh, I do!
Dumah: Hehe, muffins. Pansy.
Rahab: We need to make the Elder God some muffins!
Dumah: Elder God and muffins. Pansies.
Turel: Oh, we all knew the Elder God was strange.
Dumah: (starring at anyone reading this right now) Oh, and thanks to Ameritrade I,
Dumah, own 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000011% of KFC.
Rahab: Okay, come on Melchiah!
Melchiah: Obviously you don't see the error here.
Rahab: Oh yeah. Has anyone got a diving suit?
Dumah: Are you on drugs or did you purposely ask a stupid question?
Rahab: Purposely.
Dumah: Oh. Then the answer is no.
Raziel: Hey Dumah, I sponsor stuff too, ya' know.
Dumah: Well I sponsor Pepsi.
Raziel: I sponsor Coca-Cola.
Dumah: Damn it! Oh hey, I sponsor K-Mart!
Raziel: Well I sponsor Wal-Mart.
Dumah: Double damn it. Well I sponsor George Bush.
Raziel: Well I sponsor Bob Dole.
Dumah: Triple damn it!
Rahab: Hey Melchiah, could you make the muffins then throw them down here?
Melchiah: They'll get soggy!
Rahab: (sigh)
Kain: (sarcastically) May as well just try to capture "Mr. Elder God." May as well start
plotting something together.
Melchiah, Raziel, Dumah: ^__^
(then those three huddled together)
Dumah: You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
Raziel: Yes we are.
Melchiah: Completely. I think you're thinking we send my muffins by submarine.
Dumah: (sighs) No you idiot! (he whispers about catching the Elder God to Melchiah)
Melchiah: You don't say?
Dumah: Yep.
Melchiah, Raziel, Dumah: Kidnap Mr. Elder God!
Raziel: I wanna do it!
Melchiah: Let's draw straws!
Dumah: Kain said we should plot together, three of a kind
All 3: Birds of a feather, now and forever, WEEEEEE!
(then they started 'lalalala'-ing as they sort of danced in a circle plotting)
All 3: Kidnap Mr. Elder God, lock him up real tight, throw away the keys and then turn
off all the lights! Geehehehehehehe!
Turel: Are they retarded? They should've added music to what they were just doing,
then it would've made a lot more sense.
Melchiah: That's the perfect plan!
Raziel: Perfect plan!
Dumah: Perfect plan!
Melchiah: Wait a second, we DON'T have a plan!
Dumah: Let's stick him in a box and beat him with a stick.
Raziel: No, let's stick him in a cage and boil him up!
Dumah: No, I've got a better plan to catch this big ol' squidy man! Let's put him in a
cannon and fire it!
Raziel: No you idiot, then Elder God would be no more! (sighs) I wish my brothers
weren't so dumb!
Dumah: I'm not the dumb one!
Melchiah: You're no fun!
(then Kain comes from behind and smacks them all in the head)
Kain: Will you 3 stop being stupid and do something!
Raziel: Idea! Let's lure him out with food, someone get a net, then we can capture him!
Dumah: What kind of food do squids eat?
Zephon's voice: Are you looking for the ULTIMATE squid food?
Raziel and Dumah and Melchiah: Yes...
Zephon's voice: Then come on down to Toys'R'Us. We have everything, from squid food
to books explaining the meaning of the universe to teaching you how to create some
good shrimp-fried rice! Come on down to Toys'R'Us!
Melchiah: Christ, is everyone sponsoring today?
(then Kain poked himself in the eyes)
Kain: (in pain) Take that Zephon! (to the 3 lieutenants) Just get the DAMN SQUID!
Zephon's voice: Let's play tag Kain, (picks up a hammer) with this hammer!
(so Razzyboy and Rahab dive underwater where Elder God is waiting for muffins)
Elder God: Well?
Raziel: Um...your shoes are untied!
Elder God: Really?
Rahab: Yeah, all of them are!
(then when the Elder God looks down, the 2 nab him with a HUGE net)
Elder God: Aw crap! I fall for that all the time!
Raziel: Which way to Vorador's head?
Elder God: That way! (then Elder God points his tentacles all in different directions)
Raziel: Ok, thanks.
Rahab: Wait Razzyboy. What about our wish?
Raziel: Don't call me Razzyboy.
Elder God: I'm not a frickin' genie.
Rahab: But what about our wish!?
Elder God: Okay...what do you want?
Raziel: (devious grin...or as close as he can get without a bottom jaw)
[Back on the boat, Kain is still playing tag, Turel has his headphones on and
Melchiah has his limbs in different directions and he's drawing a line to each
one; in other words, he's playing Connect the Dots with his limbs]
Kain: (while getting hit in the head by a hammer) Zephon, just stop.
Zephon's voice: (sarcastically) Why, aren't you enjoying this? This is fun!
Kain: No!
[and then, for seemingly no reason whatsoever, all of a sudden, 5 of all the lieutenants
appear out of thin air-even Zephon's actual body]
Kain: OH MY GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(then Raziel and Rahab climb out of the water)
Kain: (to the 2) What the hell have you done!? We're all gonna die with this many
retards wandering around!
Zephon's voice: (seeing his 5 clones) Wow, I'd forgotten how neat-o I looked.
Turel: Oh my lord.
Melchiah: (putting his limbs back on) My thoughts exactly.
Kain: What have y'all done?
Dumah: We are going to revolt!
Dumah clone 1: We are going to revolt!
Dumah clones 2-4: We are going to revolt!
Dumah clone 5: We're gonna take some ass and kick some names!
Raziel: We aren't gonna be oppressed by you anymore Kain!
Raziel clones 1-4: Yeah Kain!
Raziel clone 5: Yeah you motha fu'er!
Zephon's voice: Wow. Me again.
Zephon clone 1: I'm hungry.
Zephon clone 2: I'm thirsty.
Zephon clone 3: I wanna play with a doggie.
Zephon clone 4: I want a moose for my birthday.
Zephon clone 5: Where's Zephon?
Zephon's voice: I'm Zephon.
Zephon clones 1-5: You look old and stupid.
Rahab clone 1-4: With all of our intellects combined, we'll be the smartest beings that
ever lived!
Rahab clone 5: Mwahahahahahaha!
Zephon clones 1-5: Actually we'll be smarter!
Turel clones 1-4: Dudes, calm down. Let's be calm and SMOOTH about this, and I mean
smooth with a capital SmOoTh.
Turel clone 5: Yeah, let's sing this down the right path with our own appreciation.
Melchiah clone 1: That's smooth Turel 1.
Melchiah clone 2: Man, my arm and number 3's arms have fallen off and we don't know
which arm belongs to whom!
Melchiah clone 3: Yeah man, this is unfortunate.
Melchiah clone 4: Is it the one with the tattoo?
Melchiah clone 5: Which tattoo?
Dumah: (to Melchiah) You have a tattoo?
Melchiah: Yeah, cause I'm a tough guy.
Kain: Why don't I get clones?
Raziel: Then we couldn't over throw you as easily! Duh!
Raziel clone 1: Duh!
Raziel clone 2: Duh!
Raziel clone 3: Duh!
Raziel clone 4: Duh!
Raziel clone 5: Duh!
Zephon clone 1: I've lost my skittles.
Kain: I don't think I can deal with all of this.
Zephon's voice: Hey wait! You can't throw Kain over!
Dumah clone 4: Why not?
Zephon's voice: Because I'd fall in that water and burn too, ya know!
Dumah: Oh well.
Dumah clone 2: Yeah, there are too many Zephon's anyway.
Zephon's voice: You can't do this! (then he sees Zephone clone 4 eating a banana
pudding) BANANA PUDDING!
Dumah clone 3: Idea!
(Dumah clone 3 ran over and snatched the banana pudding)
Dumah clone 3: Do you really want this?
Zephon's voice: Yeah!
Zephon clones 1-5: Yeah!
Dumah 3: Fetch! (then Dumah clone 3 threw the banana pudding overboard, into the
water. Zephon clone 1-5 jumped overboard after it and so did Kain)
Zephon's voice: (while falling off the ship) Yummy pudding!
Kain: Zephon, I so truly hate you.
(then they waited a while)
Kain: Oh crap, it BURNS like a mother!
Zephon's voice and Zephon clones: (in stereo) It BURNS! THE THINGS WE DO FOR
BANANA PUDDING!
Dumah: That's got rid of them.
Dumah clone 2: (whispering to Dumah) Hey Dumah, we'll never be the best if Turel and
Raziel are here because they're higher ranked. We should throw them over.
Dumah: You're right.
Turel clone 1: Hey, I heard that!
Turel clone 2: Hey, I heard that!
Turel clone 3: Hey, I heard that!
Turel clone 4: Hey, I heard that!
Turel clone 5: Hey, I heard that!
Turel: Dumah, why don't we kick you out!
Melchiah: Where's my left leg?
Melchiah clone 1: I have it!
Melchiah 4: No, that's my left leg!
Melchiah 3: Have any of you seen my right nostril?
Melchiah 2: How can you lose a nostril?
Raziel: EVERYONE SHUT UP! IF THIS IS GONNA BE NOTHING BUT ENDLESS CHAOS,
THEN THE CLONES GO BACK!
Raziel clone 1: You tell them!
All the clones except the Zephon clones, who are currently burning: We're not the ones
going away!
Lieutenants: (gulp) Uh-oh.
(so the lieutenants got mugged, beaten up, and tied to the front of the ship)
Melchiah: I think I might be missing an ear lobe.
Dumah: Great plan Razzyboy!
Turel: Hey, I'm tied near the top so I'm like that mermaid that's on the mast of the
ships! That means I'm special.
Rahab: Aw, I wanna be special!
(then a rocks flies up and hits Raziel on the head)
Raziel: Ow! What bastard did that?
(then Raziel looks down to see Kain has latched himself onto the ship)
Kain: (sighs) I guess I'm gonna have to save the day again.
Raziel: (happy that Kain's gonna free them) Yes you d-
Dumah: (insulted that his very enemy needed to save him) NO! We can get out of here
just by ourselves! We don't need you screwing up! Now get outta here!
(then Kain crawled across the ship looking for a way in. Everyone just starred very
angrily towards Dumah)
Turel: (trying to think of a way to cause Dumah pain even though Dumah was tied at
the very bottom and Turel was tied at the very top) Idea! I know now! (Turel steadied
himself, aimed, and spat on Dumah)
Dumah: (the spit landing on his shoulder) AHH, IT BURNS YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Raziel: Hhehehehehe.
(Kain is crawling around and he peaks his head over the ship and sees the clones drunk
and partying)
Kain: Zephon, you dance like the total pansy.
Zephon's voice: Hey, I dance like those dancers in a classic show!
Kain: You dance like a ballerina.
Zephon's voice: Well I joined their club.
Kain: What!?
Zephon's voice: It was amazing, I was the only guy there! I got to crawl under girls and
everything else. It was amazing.
Kain: (thinking about this for a moment) I may have to try that. Anyway, do you and
your brothers all party and get drunk like that?
Zephon's voice: Why?
Kain: Cause next time y'all do, I can seriously screw with y'all's minds!
Zephon's voice: Y'all's?
Kain: I'll just tell them you're a pink elephant that's armed and dangerous. Hehe.
Zephon's voice: Hey, I do see pink elephants!
Kain: I shouldn't be surprised. I bet you'll tell me that you see dead people.
Zephon's voice: No, I eat dead people. Let's go!
Kain: (while Zephon's making him jump on the boat) No, ne yet, you crazy ass-
(then all clones see him)
Kain: Zephon, I hate you.
Zephon's voice: Don't worry, I have a plan.
Kain: Oh crap. You mean like your plan where you avoid ear infections by cutting of
your ears.
Zephon's voice: Yes, like those kinds of plans.
Kain: Zephon, if you kill us, then I'll kill you till you die!
(then the clones watched Kain as he concentrated really hard)
Zephon's voice: I'm concentrating really hard! (and then the clones saw a spoon
magically bend!) I'VE DONE IT! I'VE FINALLY BENT A SPOON USING JUST MY MIND!
Kain: (annoyed sigh)
Clones: ?
Kain: (annoyed sigh again) Zephon, HOW DOES THAT HELP US!?
Zephon's voice: It doesn't really. Just the satisfaction of achieving a personal goal.
Kain: (eye twitches) I hate you.
(then Kain gets fed up and punches himself in the face. So Kain retaliates by punching
himself. Then Kain picked up the hammer from earlier and started hitting himself with
it. Kain counterattacked by hitting himself in the hand with it. Then Kain started
chocking himself, and the only reason Kain survived is because Kain slammed his head
on a door)
Raziel clone 3: Is Kain a retard, or just a retard?
Dumah clone 1: What the hell is going on?
Kain: That's it Zephon, I'll kill you!
Rahab clone 2: I vote for his left arm!
Melchiah clone 5: Well I vote for his right!
Zephon's voice: What are you clones talking about?
Turel clone 3: We're betting on which arm will win!
Kain: Zephon, no more playing around! Immolate!
(then Kain Immolated...the Melchiah clones!)
Raziel clone 4: You missed yourself! Idiot!
Kain: Zephon I shall Immolate you!
(then Kain Immolated the Raziel clones)
Turel clone 2: You keep missing! You're accidentally hitting us instead!
Rahab clone 2: I think he might be aiming for us.
Turel clone 2: I so totally dought it.
(then Kain Immolated the Turel clones)
Rahab clone 1: You know, maybe we should be trying to stop him instead of just
standing here like idiots from Blood Omen 1 movie.
Rahab clone 2: Yeah, only idiots would just stand around in mortal danger.
(then Kain Immolated the Rahab clones that were just standing around)
Dumah clone 1: Oh no.
(Kain managed to Immolate 4 of the clones, but Kain thought he had gotten all of
them. The fifth was hiding. Then he jumped out)
Dumah clone 5: Haha, you missed me!
(so Kain Immolated him)
Dumah clone 5: Ow. (then the clone was burned to dust)
Zephon's voice: Man, you're a bad shot! You missed me every time! You're a sucky
shot!
Kain: Now, where are we?
Zephon's voice: Hey, why didn't you just Immolate them when they were throwing us
off the boat huh? Cause it would've been a smart idea!
Kain: It's cause you MADE US JUMP OFF THE BOAT YOU IDIOT!
Zephon's voice: Oh yeah. Man I rule.
Kain: (very PO'ed) That's it! I'm gonna Immolate you Zephon! Immolate!
(then Kain Immolated himself)
Kain: (very much in pain) That...was a...bad...idea.
(then Kain passed out)
Turel: (still tied to the front of the boat along with the others) Dude, what the hell just
happened?
Melchiah: I don't know, but I'm wasting away with hunger.
Raziel: No surprise, you're always wasting away.
Dumah: I'm hungry.
Rahab: Shut up you trouble-causing bastard. I hate you Dumah.
Dumah: I'm still the favorite, hahahahaha.
(then Turel spitted on him again)
Dumah: AHH!! IT BURNS!
Turel: Hehehe.
(so the boat wandered around without anyone steering it for a few days because Kain
was still unconscious until something collided with Turel)
Turel: Ow.
Raziel: What?
Turel: Hey guys, we hit something!
Rahab: What?
Turel: A tree!
(back on the ship, the ship hitting something woke Kain up)
Kain: Ow. I have no nerve endings anymore. (so Kain made sure by hitting his hand
with a hammer, and it didn't hurt at all) Yep, my nerve endings are gone.
(then Kain walked over to the front of the ship and saw that they had hit a tree that
lead to a forest. Then he looked down and saw the lieutenants tied to the boat)
Kain: Oh yeah, I forgot all about you guys!
(so after Kain untied them all, except Raziel, they started to wander in the forest)
Zephon's voice: Um Kain, you forgot Razzyboy.
Kain: Yeah, so?
(so Kain took over and freed Razzyboy)
Kain: (to Zephon) Stupid do-gooder.
(then they wandered the forest and found a building. When they went in, they were in
the Pillars again!)
Zephon's voice: Home!
Raziel: Yay!
(and so they all stayed in the Pillars and done their usual weird stuff, forgetting all
about the fact that they were trying to find Vorador's head. But luckily, a head
transplant person names Dean Earwicker found Vorador's head)
[The scene is now a hospital and Dean Earwicker is in beside a board with a headless
person on it]
Dean Earwicker: (reading the list aloud) Well mister Moebius, looks like we've got a
head for you.
(then Dean Earwicker placed Vorador's head on Moebius' body then Vorador came
awake again)
Vorador: (in Moebius' body) I'm awake! Thank you! (then Vorador kissed Dean
Earwicker then ran off)
Dean Earwicker: I dead person just touched me. Gross.
(then the scene froze and Dumah came out holding a piece of chicken in both hands)
Dumah: Hello. In my left hand here I've got a piece of chicken from the other
restaurants (the chicken looked bland) but here in my right hand is a piece of Crispy
Crust Chicken from KFC. Let's see how they taste.
(then Dumah took a bite of the bland chicken)
Dumah: Blech.
(then he took a bite of the KFC chicken)
Dumah: (while giving a thumbs-up) Yummy. KFC is clearly better. There's fast food.
Then there's KFC.
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Well, I had to do a lot of research for all of these ads! Well, not really. But I did have to watch T.V. to see the ads, that's counted as research, right? Didn't think so. Anyway, my next chapter will be a parody of this show I like, so the next chapter might take a little while. Anyway hope you liked this chapter, and of course, don't forget to review!
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[The scene is a big boat or ship or whatever you wanna call it and the
lieutenants are searching the swamps for Vorador's head because it flew off
somewhere around here]
Raziel: Found it yet?
Rahab: Nope.
Dumah: Why are we even looking? Vorador was a crusty old bastard that we're better
off without.
Melchiah: A crusty person?
Turel: Yeah, you know. Like crusty crust on KFC chicken. It's to live for.
Kain: Okay, I'm not sure if you've realized this, but Vorador's head isn't chicken.
Zephon's voice: Ooh, did someone say chicken?
Dumah: You guys are talking like you haven't had anything to eat in years!
Raziel: We've non-stop been searching this place for a WEEK and so I'm hungry and
cranky.
Dumah: (sarcastically) You mean crusty.
Rahab: Dumah, you are so anal.
Kain: That's my son!
Dumah: Thank you father.
Raziel: (sad puppy dog eyes)
Kain: Raziel, if both your eyes were the same color then it would be sadder. But I just
can't feel bad starring into 1 yellow eye and 1 white eye. It's strange.
Turel: I'm hungry.
Kain: That isn't gonna help us! Buckle up!
Melchiah: What, are we about to drive?
Kain: That's not what I mean idiot.
Rahab: Guys, we're lost. We are not to extremely far from Moebius' house so we could
always ask for directions.
Kain: (sarcastically) In other words, we call him and ask, "Hey Moebius, which way to
Vorador's head. We seem to have broken Vorador and lost him."
Zephon's voice: You think that would work?
Raziel: Hey, I've got this mean idea. Hand me the phone.
[At Moebius' house]
Moebius: It's time to play Bingo!
Mabes: (sugar-high as usual) YAY! BINGO! BB-II-NN-GG-OO! THAT MEANS BINGO BE
HIS NAMEY-O! YAY YAHOO!
(then their phone rings)
Moebius: (talking in the phone) Hello?
Raspy voice on other end of phone: Hello Moebius! What's your favorite scary movie!?
Moebius: (while holding the phone and terrfied) (screams) (screams) (screams)
(screams) (screams) (screams) (screams)
[Back at the boat]
Raziel: (holding the phone out for everyone to here) Heehehehehe.
Moebius: (other end) AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
Raziel: (hangs up on him) That was fun!
Rahab: Hehe, yeah.
Kain: So did you ask?
Raziel: Um...
Kain: Call him again.
Dumah: Wait! Before you call, you've got to know that this may be long distance!
Raziel: So?
Dumah: (snatching the phone) That means it'll cost more money! Do you want cheaper
and longer service? If so, call 1-800 C-O-L-L-E-C-T. Just 99 cents and only 7 cents a
minute after the first 20 minutes.
Raziel: (taking the phone back) Riiiiiiight...
Dumah: Just call 1-800 C-O-L-L-E-C-T. It'll save you a buck or two!
Kain: Oh come on, what can you do with a dollar.
Dumah: You can use it for long distance calls. Just call C-A-L-L- A-T-T. It's easy, just
dial down the center!
Zephon's voice: Hot damn, that's cheap!
Dumah: Remember, just call 1-800 C-A-L-L-A-T-T.
Rahab: Are you sure you've got that right?
Raziel: Um...uh-oh. The phone won't work.
Dumah: Maybe it's because of the boat's interference. It' just like a car, so if we're
having trouble, just call Prep Boys. People like them, cars LOVE them. (then Dumah
smiles showing his sparkly teeth)
Turel: You're advertising, aren't you?
Dumah: What makes you say that?
Kain: Razzyboy, let me see the phone.
(then Raziel walks over to Kain and hands Kain the phone)
Kain: What's wrong with this thing?
(then, irritated, Kain decides he think it'll work if the phone hits something, so Kain hits
Raziel over the head with the phone)
Raziel: (holding his head) Ow!
Kain: (then he sees the the phone got broke when he hit Raziel with it) Razzyboy, you
broke the phone!
Raziel: Me!?! You're the one who hit me with it!
Melchiah: Okay guys, enough with this gay banter! Let's just scout for directions!
Dumah: What the hell is "gay banter?"
Rahab: I'll go into the swamp and ask directions.
(then Rahab dove into the swamp and found a giant squid!)
Rahab: Ahh! What the hell are you?
Squid: I am Elder God, you fool!
Rahab: Okay. Do you know which way Vorador's head went?
Elder God: Well how am I supposed to know?
Rahab: Cause you're a god. You know a lot of stuff right?
Elder God: I know how to clone, I know how to create worlds, I know the meaning of
life, but the one thing I don't know is how to cook a good muffin.
Rahab: So?
Elder God: If you can teach me to make a good muffin, I'll know how to do everything.
If you teach me, I'll not only help you locate your missing head, but also grant you a
wish.
(then Rahab resurfaces)
Rahab: Hey guys!
Kain: What?
Rahab: Does any of you know how to make muffins?
Zephon's voice: ...
Kain: ...
Raziel: ...
Turel: ...
Melchiah: Ooh, I do!
Dumah: Hehe, muffins. Pansy.
Rahab: We need to make the Elder God some muffins!
Dumah: Elder God and muffins. Pansies.
Turel: Oh, we all knew the Elder God was strange.
Dumah: (starring at anyone reading this right now) Oh, and thanks to Ameritrade I,
Dumah, own 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000011% of KFC.
Rahab: Okay, come on Melchiah!
Melchiah: Obviously you don't see the error here.
Rahab: Oh yeah. Has anyone got a diving suit?
Dumah: Are you on drugs or did you purposely ask a stupid question?
Rahab: Purposely.
Dumah: Oh. Then the answer is no.
Raziel: Hey Dumah, I sponsor stuff too, ya' know.
Dumah: Well I sponsor Pepsi.
Raziel: I sponsor Coca-Cola.
Dumah: Damn it! Oh hey, I sponsor K-Mart!
Raziel: Well I sponsor Wal-Mart.
Dumah: Double damn it. Well I sponsor George Bush.
Raziel: Well I sponsor Bob Dole.
Dumah: Triple damn it!
Rahab: Hey Melchiah, could you make the muffins then throw them down here?
Melchiah: They'll get soggy!
Rahab: (sigh)
Kain: (sarcastically) May as well just try to capture "Mr. Elder God." May as well start
plotting something together.
Melchiah, Raziel, Dumah: ^__^
(then those three huddled together)
Dumah: You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
Raziel: Yes we are.
Melchiah: Completely. I think you're thinking we send my muffins by submarine.
Dumah: (sighs) No you idiot! (he whispers about catching the Elder God to Melchiah)
Melchiah: You don't say?
Dumah: Yep.
Melchiah, Raziel, Dumah: Kidnap Mr. Elder God!
Raziel: I wanna do it!
Melchiah: Let's draw straws!
Dumah: Kain said we should plot together, three of a kind
All 3: Birds of a feather, now and forever, WEEEEEE!
(then they started 'lalalala'-ing as they sort of danced in a circle plotting)
All 3: Kidnap Mr. Elder God, lock him up real tight, throw away the keys and then turn
off all the lights! Geehehehehehehe!
Turel: Are they retarded? They should've added music to what they were just doing,
then it would've made a lot more sense.
Melchiah: That's the perfect plan!
Raziel: Perfect plan!
Dumah: Perfect plan!
Melchiah: Wait a second, we DON'T have a plan!
Dumah: Let's stick him in a box and beat him with a stick.
Raziel: No, let's stick him in a cage and boil him up!
Dumah: No, I've got a better plan to catch this big ol' squidy man! Let's put him in a
cannon and fire it!
Raziel: No you idiot, then Elder God would be no more! (sighs) I wish my brothers
weren't so dumb!
Dumah: I'm not the dumb one!
Melchiah: You're no fun!
(then Kain comes from behind and smacks them all in the head)
Kain: Will you 3 stop being stupid and do something!
Raziel: Idea! Let's lure him out with food, someone get a net, then we can capture him!
Dumah: What kind of food do squids eat?
Zephon's voice: Are you looking for the ULTIMATE squid food?
Raziel and Dumah and Melchiah: Yes...
Zephon's voice: Then come on down to Toys'R'Us. We have everything, from squid food
to books explaining the meaning of the universe to teaching you how to create some
good shrimp-fried rice! Come on down to Toys'R'Us!
Melchiah: Christ, is everyone sponsoring today?
(then Kain poked himself in the eyes)
Kain: (in pain) Take that Zephon! (to the 3 lieutenants) Just get the DAMN SQUID!
Zephon's voice: Let's play tag Kain, (picks up a hammer) with this hammer!
(so Razzyboy and Rahab dive underwater where Elder God is waiting for muffins)
Elder God: Well?
Raziel: Um...your shoes are untied!
Elder God: Really?
Rahab: Yeah, all of them are!
(then when the Elder God looks down, the 2 nab him with a HUGE net)
Elder God: Aw crap! I fall for that all the time!
Raziel: Which way to Vorador's head?
Elder God: That way! (then Elder God points his tentacles all in different directions)
Raziel: Ok, thanks.
Rahab: Wait Razzyboy. What about our wish?
Raziel: Don't call me Razzyboy.
Elder God: I'm not a frickin' genie.
Rahab: But what about our wish!?
Elder God: Okay...what do you want?
Raziel: (devious grin...or as close as he can get without a bottom jaw)
[Back on the boat, Kain is still playing tag, Turel has his headphones on and
Melchiah has his limbs in different directions and he's drawing a line to each
one; in other words, he's playing Connect the Dots with his limbs]
Kain: (while getting hit in the head by a hammer) Zephon, just stop.
Zephon's voice: (sarcastically) Why, aren't you enjoying this? This is fun!
Kain: No!
[and then, for seemingly no reason whatsoever, all of a sudden, 5 of all the lieutenants
appear out of thin air-even Zephon's actual body]
Kain: OH MY GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(then Raziel and Rahab climb out of the water)
Kain: (to the 2) What the hell have you done!? We're all gonna die with this many
retards wandering around!
Zephon's voice: (seeing his 5 clones) Wow, I'd forgotten how neat-o I looked.
Turel: Oh my lord.
Melchiah: (putting his limbs back on) My thoughts exactly.
Kain: What have y'all done?
Dumah: We are going to revolt!
Dumah clone 1: We are going to revolt!
Dumah clones 2-4: We are going to revolt!
Dumah clone 5: We're gonna take some ass and kick some names!
Raziel: We aren't gonna be oppressed by you anymore Kain!
Raziel clones 1-4: Yeah Kain!
Raziel clone 5: Yeah you motha fu'er!
Zephon's voice: Wow. Me again.
Zephon clone 1: I'm hungry.
Zephon clone 2: I'm thirsty.
Zephon clone 3: I wanna play with a doggie.
Zephon clone 4: I want a moose for my birthday.
Zephon clone 5: Where's Zephon?
Zephon's voice: I'm Zephon.
Zephon clones 1-5: You look old and stupid.
Rahab clone 1-4: With all of our intellects combined, we'll be the smartest beings that
ever lived!
Rahab clone 5: Mwahahahahahaha!
Zephon clones 1-5: Actually we'll be smarter!
Turel clones 1-4: Dudes, calm down. Let's be calm and SMOOTH about this, and I mean
smooth with a capital SmOoTh.
Turel clone 5: Yeah, let's sing this down the right path with our own appreciation.
Melchiah clone 1: That's smooth Turel 1.
Melchiah clone 2: Man, my arm and number 3's arms have fallen off and we don't know
which arm belongs to whom!
Melchiah clone 3: Yeah man, this is unfortunate.
Melchiah clone 4: Is it the one with the tattoo?
Melchiah clone 5: Which tattoo?
Dumah: (to Melchiah) You have a tattoo?
Melchiah: Yeah, cause I'm a tough guy.
Kain: Why don't I get clones?
Raziel: Then we couldn't over throw you as easily! Duh!
Raziel clone 1: Duh!
Raziel clone 2: Duh!
Raziel clone 3: Duh!
Raziel clone 4: Duh!
Raziel clone 5: Duh!
Zephon clone 1: I've lost my skittles.
Kain: I don't think I can deal with all of this.
Zephon's voice: Hey wait! You can't throw Kain over!
Dumah clone 4: Why not?
Zephon's voice: Because I'd fall in that water and burn too, ya know!
Dumah: Oh well.
Dumah clone 2: Yeah, there are too many Zephon's anyway.
Zephon's voice: You can't do this! (then he sees Zephone clone 4 eating a banana
pudding) BANANA PUDDING!
Dumah clone 3: Idea!
(Dumah clone 3 ran over and snatched the banana pudding)
Dumah clone 3: Do you really want this?
Zephon's voice: Yeah!
Zephon clones 1-5: Yeah!
Dumah 3: Fetch! (then Dumah clone 3 threw the banana pudding overboard, into the
water. Zephon clone 1-5 jumped overboard after it and so did Kain)
Zephon's voice: (while falling off the ship) Yummy pudding!
Kain: Zephon, I so truly hate you.
(then they waited a while)
Kain: Oh crap, it BURNS like a mother!
Zephon's voice and Zephon clones: (in stereo) It BURNS! THE THINGS WE DO FOR
BANANA PUDDING!
Dumah: That's got rid of them.
Dumah clone 2: (whispering to Dumah) Hey Dumah, we'll never be the best if Turel and
Raziel are here because they're higher ranked. We should throw them over.
Dumah: You're right.
Turel clone 1: Hey, I heard that!
Turel clone 2: Hey, I heard that!
Turel clone 3: Hey, I heard that!
Turel clone 4: Hey, I heard that!
Turel clone 5: Hey, I heard that!
Turel: Dumah, why don't we kick you out!
Melchiah: Where's my left leg?
Melchiah clone 1: I have it!
Melchiah 4: No, that's my left leg!
Melchiah 3: Have any of you seen my right nostril?
Melchiah 2: How can you lose a nostril?
Raziel: EVERYONE SHUT UP! IF THIS IS GONNA BE NOTHING BUT ENDLESS CHAOS,
THEN THE CLONES GO BACK!
Raziel clone 1: You tell them!
All the clones except the Zephon clones, who are currently burning: We're not the ones
going away!
Lieutenants: (gulp) Uh-oh.
(so the lieutenants got mugged, beaten up, and tied to the front of the ship)
Melchiah: I think I might be missing an ear lobe.
Dumah: Great plan Razzyboy!
Turel: Hey, I'm tied near the top so I'm like that mermaid that's on the mast of the
ships! That means I'm special.
Rahab: Aw, I wanna be special!
(then a rocks flies up and hits Raziel on the head)
Raziel: Ow! What bastard did that?
(then Raziel looks down to see Kain has latched himself onto the ship)
Kain: (sighs) I guess I'm gonna have to save the day again.
Raziel: (happy that Kain's gonna free them) Yes you d-
Dumah: (insulted that his very enemy needed to save him) NO! We can get out of here
just by ourselves! We don't need you screwing up! Now get outta here!
(then Kain crawled across the ship looking for a way in. Everyone just starred very
angrily towards Dumah)
Turel: (trying to think of a way to cause Dumah pain even though Dumah was tied at
the very bottom and Turel was tied at the very top) Idea! I know now! (Turel steadied
himself, aimed, and spat on Dumah)
Dumah: (the spit landing on his shoulder) AHH, IT BURNS YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Raziel: Hhehehehehe.
(Kain is crawling around and he peaks his head over the ship and sees the clones drunk
and partying)
Kain: Zephon, you dance like the total pansy.
Zephon's voice: Hey, I dance like those dancers in a classic show!
Kain: You dance like a ballerina.
Zephon's voice: Well I joined their club.
Kain: What!?
Zephon's voice: It was amazing, I was the only guy there! I got to crawl under girls and
everything else. It was amazing.
Kain: (thinking about this for a moment) I may have to try that. Anyway, do you and
your brothers all party and get drunk like that?
Zephon's voice: Why?
Kain: Cause next time y'all do, I can seriously screw with y'all's minds!
Zephon's voice: Y'all's?
Kain: I'll just tell them you're a pink elephant that's armed and dangerous. Hehe.
Zephon's voice: Hey, I do see pink elephants!
Kain: I shouldn't be surprised. I bet you'll tell me that you see dead people.
Zephon's voice: No, I eat dead people. Let's go!
Kain: (while Zephon's making him jump on the boat) No, ne yet, you crazy ass-
(then all clones see him)
Kain: Zephon, I hate you.
Zephon's voice: Don't worry, I have a plan.
Kain: Oh crap. You mean like your plan where you avoid ear infections by cutting of
your ears.
Zephon's voice: Yes, like those kinds of plans.
Kain: Zephon, if you kill us, then I'll kill you till you die!
(then the clones watched Kain as he concentrated really hard)
Zephon's voice: I'm concentrating really hard! (and then the clones saw a spoon
magically bend!) I'VE DONE IT! I'VE FINALLY BENT A SPOON USING JUST MY MIND!
Kain: (annoyed sigh)
Clones: ?
Kain: (annoyed sigh again) Zephon, HOW DOES THAT HELP US!?
Zephon's voice: It doesn't really. Just the satisfaction of achieving a personal goal.
Kain: (eye twitches) I hate you.
(then Kain gets fed up and punches himself in the face. So Kain retaliates by punching
himself. Then Kain picked up the hammer from earlier and started hitting himself with
it. Kain counterattacked by hitting himself in the hand with it. Then Kain started
chocking himself, and the only reason Kain survived is because Kain slammed his head
on a door)
Raziel clone 3: Is Kain a retard, or just a retard?
Dumah clone 1: What the hell is going on?
Kain: That's it Zephon, I'll kill you!
Rahab clone 2: I vote for his left arm!
Melchiah clone 5: Well I vote for his right!
Zephon's voice: What are you clones talking about?
Turel clone 3: We're betting on which arm will win!
Kain: Zephon, no more playing around! Immolate!
(then Kain Immolated...the Melchiah clones!)
Raziel clone 4: You missed yourself! Idiot!
Kain: Zephon I shall Immolate you!
(then Kain Immolated the Raziel clones)
Turel clone 2: You keep missing! You're accidentally hitting us instead!
Rahab clone 2: I think he might be aiming for us.
Turel clone 2: I so totally dought it.
(then Kain Immolated the Turel clones)
Rahab clone 1: You know, maybe we should be trying to stop him instead of just
standing here like idiots from Blood Omen 1 movie.
Rahab clone 2: Yeah, only idiots would just stand around in mortal danger.
(then Kain Immolated the Rahab clones that were just standing around)
Dumah clone 1: Oh no.
(Kain managed to Immolate 4 of the clones, but Kain thought he had gotten all of
them. The fifth was hiding. Then he jumped out)
Dumah clone 5: Haha, you missed me!
(so Kain Immolated him)
Dumah clone 5: Ow. (then the clone was burned to dust)
Zephon's voice: Man, you're a bad shot! You missed me every time! You're a sucky
shot!
Kain: Now, where are we?
Zephon's voice: Hey, why didn't you just Immolate them when they were throwing us
off the boat huh? Cause it would've been a smart idea!
Kain: It's cause you MADE US JUMP OFF THE BOAT YOU IDIOT!
Zephon's voice: Oh yeah. Man I rule.
Kain: (very PO'ed) That's it! I'm gonna Immolate you Zephon! Immolate!
(then Kain Immolated himself)
Kain: (very much in pain) That...was a...bad...idea.
(then Kain passed out)
Turel: (still tied to the front of the boat along with the others) Dude, what the hell just
happened?
Melchiah: I don't know, but I'm wasting away with hunger.
Raziel: No surprise, you're always wasting away.
Dumah: I'm hungry.
Rahab: Shut up you trouble-causing bastard. I hate you Dumah.
Dumah: I'm still the favorite, hahahahaha.
(then Turel spitted on him again)
Dumah: AHH!! IT BURNS!
Turel: Hehehe.
(so the boat wandered around without anyone steering it for a few days because Kain
was still unconscious until something collided with Turel)
Turel: Ow.
Raziel: What?
Turel: Hey guys, we hit something!
Rahab: What?
Turel: A tree!
(back on the ship, the ship hitting something woke Kain up)
Kain: Ow. I have no nerve endings anymore. (so Kain made sure by hitting his hand
with a hammer, and it didn't hurt at all) Yep, my nerve endings are gone.
(then Kain walked over to the front of the ship and saw that they had hit a tree that
lead to a forest. Then he looked down and saw the lieutenants tied to the boat)
Kain: Oh yeah, I forgot all about you guys!
(so after Kain untied them all, except Raziel, they started to wander in the forest)
Zephon's voice: Um Kain, you forgot Razzyboy.
Kain: Yeah, so?
(so Kain took over and freed Razzyboy)
Kain: (to Zephon) Stupid do-gooder.
(then they wandered the forest and found a building. When they went in, they were in
the Pillars again!)
Zephon's voice: Home!
Raziel: Yay!
(and so they all stayed in the Pillars and done their usual weird stuff, forgetting all
about the fact that they were trying to find Vorador's head. But luckily, a head
transplant person names Dean Earwicker found Vorador's head)
[The scene is now a hospital and Dean Earwicker is in beside a board with a headless
person on it]
Dean Earwicker: (reading the list aloud) Well mister Moebius, looks like we've got a
head for you.
(then Dean Earwicker placed Vorador's head on Moebius' body then Vorador came
awake again)
Vorador: (in Moebius' body) I'm awake! Thank you! (then Vorador kissed Dean
Earwicker then ran off)
Dean Earwicker: I dead person just touched me. Gross.
(then the scene froze and Dumah came out holding a piece of chicken in both hands)
Dumah: Hello. In my left hand here I've got a piece of chicken from the other
restaurants (the chicken looked bland) but here in my right hand is a piece of Crispy
Crust Chicken from KFC. Let's see how they taste.
(then Dumah took a bite of the bland chicken)
Dumah: Blech.
(then he took a bite of the KFC chicken)
Dumah: (while giving a thumbs-up) Yummy. KFC is clearly better. There's fast food.
Then there's KFC.
______________________________________________________________________
Well, I had to do a lot of research for all of these ads! Well, not really. But I did have to watch T.V. to see the ads, that's counted as research, right? Didn't think so. Anyway, my next chapter will be a parody of this show I like, so the next chapter might take a little while. Anyway hope you liked this chapter, and of course, don't forget to review!