Disclaimer: Down't own LoK, but I think you already knew that.
___________________________________________________________
Note: I said I was gonna do a parody of a show for this chapter, but it didn't work out
and was scrapped, so this is another original
[The scene is the Pillars of Nosgoth and everyone is bored, except Kain who
is complaining because Umah moved in with them]
Kain: Who's stupid idea was it to let Umah move in here?
Raziel: Yours.
Kain: What are you talking about?
Raziel: You made a bet. If you lost, she moved in, but if you won, she moved in. And
you lost.
Kain: What were we playing?
Raziel: Go Fish. Besides, you WANTED her to move in!
Kain: Why would I want that!
Raziel: Were you drunk the night it happened?
Kain: I guess so. Tell me what happened. Cause I don't like being drunk. It makes me
weird.
Zephon's voice: You're always weird.
Kain: Shut up.
Raziel: Okay, here's what happened.
{Flashback begins}
[The setting is the Red Raven Pub, and Kain's wandering what to drink]
Kain: What should I have?
Zephon's voice: Bartender, how about something heavy?
Kain: No, I am not gonna get drunk!
Zephon's voice: Why not?
Kain: I'm weird when I'm drunk. I get emotional and sentimental.
Zephon's voice: Bartender, get us something heavy!
Kain: Zephon, if you get us drunk, I'll cuts our head off.
Zephon's voice: (to Bartender) Never mind!
Kain: I've gotta go to the bathroom. Wait here.
Zephon's voice: Wait here? And besides, since when where there bathrooms in
Nosgoth? I always thought that was strange.
(so they go to the bathroom. They went to the urinal and Kain looked up at the ceiling,
and Human 1, in the one right beside Kain, was wandering what was going on)
Human 1: ??? (he's listening to their conversation. And now, for a humorous effect, we
will hear things through Human 1's ears)
Kain: I'm not gonna look. Zephon, you retarded monkey. I think we should get drunk, I
want to see your emotional side. Well I want to lop off your head. Then come on, show
me what you've got old man. Hey, I'm not a man!
Human 1: !!!
Kain: Well I can tell that. What's that supposed to mean!? Haha, I'm making fun of you!
Well, I know all of your secrets, I'll tell them to everybody! You sound like a loud-
mouthed cheerleader! Well you're stupid! No you're stupid! You're stupid!
(then Kain knocked his head into the urinal, and Kain retaliated by running over to the
nearest stall and slamming the door on his head)
Zephon's voice: I'll kill you till you die!
Kain: Isn't that redundant!?
(then Kain tried to handcuff his hands with toilet tissue, but Kain broke free and ran out
to the hand dryer and repeatedly beat his head into it. Then Kain got pissed out a stole
a lighter)
Zephon's voice: Kain, that's stupid. No, don't don't don't don't.
Kain: Yes.
(then Kain lit his hand on fire. This was VERY confusing to Human 1)
Zephon's voice: Ow!
Kain: Yeah, isn't it great!?
Zephon's voice: Oh yeah! Well, hyahh!
(then Kain lit his other hand on fire)
Zephon's voice: Got you! (then feels burning pain in both his hands) AHH!!
Kain: AHH!!
Zephon's voice: AHH!!
Kain: AHH!! ZEPHON DO SOMETHING!
Zephon's voice: AHH!! (hey, he was doing something-screaming)
Kain: OW!!
Zephon's voice: OW!!
Kain: OW!! Put the fire out!!
Zephon's voice: Okay!!
(so Kain hit his hands on his head to try to get the fire out but unfortunately the fire
caught Kain's hair, making his head on fire)
Kain: ZEPHON YOU STUPID BASTARD!
Zephon's voice: We gotta find another way! Water puts fire out!
(then Kain runs over to the sink)
Kain: Zephon you crazy bastard, think about what you're doing before you do this!
Zephon's voice: What's that supposed to mean?
(then Kain dumped his head into the fire and his hands and the fire went out)
Zephon's voice: Ah, much better.
Kain: IT BURNS!!
Zephon's voice: What burns? The fire's out, you must be-IT BURNS!!
(then Kain collapsed)
Human 1: Starting today, I'm giving up drugs. (then Human 1 leaves)
Kain: We have to...at least...get out of here.
Zephon's voice: (in pain) Yeah. Fire and water mix greatly.
(so Kain stumbles out and sits at a table)
Zephon's voice: That's it, I'm ordering me something. Bartender!! I would like some
marmalade please!
Kain: Marmalade!?
Zephon's voice: Yeah.
Kain: I've got a total idiot attached to me and it's been a hard day.
Zephon's voice: (mesmerizing voice) You want to drink, I wanna see your sensitive
side.
Kain: No! I'll just ask help from the Bartender!
(then a tall man with silver hair, a long sword, black clothing, and with a crow on his
shoulder came over with a present)
Tall dude with crow on shoulder: Are you Kain?
Kain: Yes.
Tall dude with crow on shoulder: Give this to Turel. (gives Kain the present)
Kain: Okay. In case he asks, what's your name?
Tall dude with crow on shoulder: It's Vicio-(then this dude decides that it is probably
best the he doesn't tell Kain his real name)-um, er, call me Ishmael.
Kain: Okay. I'll give this to him Ishmael.
(then Ishmael left)
Zephon's voice: Now I KNOW you need a drink!
Kain: No.
(the Bartender brought Kain a marmalade, but Kain couldn't identify the Bartender,
who's back was turned to Kain and everyone else)
Zephon's voice: Yummy!
Kain: Remember, we share a stomach, so if this gives me indigestion, I'll wring our
neck. (to the Bartender) Bartender, I know you don't give a rat's ass about my
problems since I give less an ass about yours, but listen to my story. This may be our
last chance.
Zephon's voice: (making Kain drink) I love marmalade!
Kain: Okay, I was with this vamp named Umah, but she left me.
Zephon's voice: Yeah, she totally made Kain cry! Hahahaha!
Kain: I didn't cry! Besides, that bitch left me!
Zephon's voice: Kain cried! Hahahaha!
Kain: I didn't cry!
Zephon's voice: Yes you did! You cried! HAHAHAHA!
Bartender: Well, I think that this Umah had a right to leave a sloppy, lazy, idiot good-
for-nothing vampire like you!
Kain: Bartenders are supposed to have feelings!
Zephon's voice: Kain cried! HAHEEEEHAHAHAHA!
(then the Bartender turned around and it turned out that the Bartender was Umah)
Kain: Oh sh**. Now I need something heavy.
Umah: Yes. I'll get you some water.
Zephon's voice: No wait, I can do it. (evil grin)
(so Kain got up and got two heavy drinks)
Zephon's voice: One for Kain, one for Umah.
(they both took a sip)
Umah: O_-
Kain: -_O
Zephon's voice: Hehehehehehe.
Umah: (shaking) W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-what was th-th-th-th-that?
Kain: W-e-e-e-e-e shouldn't have d-d-d-d-drunken th-th-that.
Zephon's voice: It's all good. (he drinks his marmalade)
Kain: (looking deep into Umah's eyes) Know what? You have the most beautiful eyes.
Umah: And you have the most beautiful neck veins.
Kain: Ever since a met you, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I'm really happy to see
you again.
Umah: You're still that little vamp boy I met in Meridia.
(then Umah walked off to do something)
Kain: (to Zephon) Look at her Zephon. She doesn't even remember me anymore.
Zephon's voice: She was happy to see us. *thinking* This is gonna be great!
(then Kain got up and walked to Umah, who was still serving drinks)
Zephon's voice: Kain's such a romantic pansy when he's drunk! I wonder how a
drunken Umah would react?
Kain: Umah, we should love each other.
Umah: But we can't love each other. We'd be living a lie.
Kain: You're right. How do you feel about sex?
Umah: Alright, good idea.
Zephon's voice: Wha???
Kain: Let's go lover.
Umah: Right away.
(so then they decided to make out on the table in front of everybody)
[The scene is now the Pillars and this is still a flaskback]
Raziel: Pillars sweet Pillars.
Kain (VO): Wait a minute! I had sex with Umah on a table in front of everybody!?
Raziel (VO): Yes. Now be quiet, I'm trying to tell you what happened.
Kain (VO): I had SEX WITH UMAH ON A TABLE!?! ZEPHON'S DEAD!
Raziel (VO): When you think about it, it's really quite funny.
Dumah: (walking up to Raziel) Where's Kain?
Raziel: At the Red Raven Pub.
Dumah: Why? I wanna see him suffer!
Raziel: Why are you the favorite!?
Dumah: Cause I'm a lot like him!
Turel: (inspecting his Elvis albums) Everything's all here. Think they came looking for
us?
Melchiah: They were probably hoping we were dead.
Rahab: (holding his rubber ducky) Aw, I've missed you my bath-time ducky. (he then
also picks up a brush) And my bath-time brushy. (then he picks up a human head) Oh,
and I've missed you bed-time heady.
Raziel: No one must know we're home!
Dumah: (while talking on the phone to Mabes) Yep, you can tell Moebius that we're
home now.
Raziel: DUMAH! WHAT IN THE HOLE OF HELL ARE YOU DOING!?
Dumah: Hold on a minute Mabes. (to Raziel) I have nothing to worry about cause I'm
the strongest so you can say that I'm screwing you people over.
Raziel: BUT WHY!?!
Dumah: Cause it's fun! (back to Mabes) Yeah, so you can tell him.
Mabes: (over the phone) YAY! YOU'RE HOME! NEAT-O FRITO ON A DORITO!
Dumah: Hehe. Be sure to tell him. Bye. (then Dumah hung up)
Raziel: DUMAN, YOU CRAZY HE-DIKE! YOU JUST GOT US IN TROUBLE!
Dumah: Yeah, it kicks ass huh?
(then Kain walked in all full of joy)
Kain: Hello my sons!
Lieutenants: Hi...
Kain: My loving sons! Hey Razzyboy!
Rahab: Loving sons?
Raziel: He's Kain all right, that asshole called me Razzboy.
Melchiah: What are you so happy about?
Kain: Guess who's moving in with us?
Zephon's voice: Ooh, is it that poor bum that we found on the side of the pub!?
Kain: You were there dumbass! You know who!
Zephon's voice: Oh, you mean her! Damn it!
Kain: Me and Umah had a bet. If I lost, she moved in, but if I won, she moved in. And I
lost.
Raziel: You lost on purpose didn't you?
Kain: No! We were playing a very hard game!
Rahab: What game?
Kain: Go Fish. I'm so happy that nothing could bring me down.
(Umah then walked in and looked at Kain)
Umah: Kain, I have even more good news!
Kain: What?
Umah: I'm pregnant with out child!
Kain: OH MY LORD NO-OO-OO-OO-OO!
Dumah: Hehehehehehehehehe.
Kain: (while sitting down holding his head) OH DAMN!
Zephon's voice: Knew you should've used protection.
Umah: Are you saying that you're not pleased?
Kain: OH DAMN! OH ALL TO HELL DAMN! FRICKIN' FRACKIN' HELL!
Umah: How can you not be pleased!?
Kain: How can this happen to me? I haven't go the...stuff!
Raziel: My daddy's a father now!
Kain: How!?
Zephon's voice: Well, do we need to have a talk about the crows and the eating-the-
crows? You see, when a vamp and another vamp love each other very much, they
wanna get close to each other. And sometimes-
Kain: Shut it! (to Umah) You sure you just didn't get spontaneously fat all of a sudden?
Umah: (insulted) How dare you? Besides, how did we even do it in the first place?
Zephon's voice: Hahahahahaha! I get you two drunk!
Dumah: Ohohohoho! Low blow! Good one Zephon!
Umah: Zephon, you bastard! (so Umah kicked Kain in the head)
Kain: Hey, you're hurting me!
Raziel: Hey mommy Umah, will you go to Toys'R'Us with me and buy me toys? Hahaha!
Rahab: Yeah mommy Umah, will you help me take a bath and wash me? Hahahaha!
Melchiah: Yeah mommy Umah, will you clean up after me? Hehehe!
Turel: Yeah mommy Umah, will you get your groovey dance moves on with me?
Dumah: Yeah mommy Umah, will you help beat the sh** out of people with me?
Umah: I'm having a baby! Hey Kain, don't you have a pretty pink cradle we could use?
Kain: OH MY LORD NO!
Umah: Oh yeah, and don't forget your little pink bonet. What happened to all your baby
stuff?
Kain: I ate it. I was stupid and little.
Dumah: Ha, he sure is big now!
Kain: Shut it! I remember when I was a baby.
\another flashback begins/
Baby Kain: (dressed in a pink bonet and pink baby clothes in a pink cradle) Lookey,
some wood! Yumm tumm.
Kain's Mother: Aww, look at my cute little girl.
Baby Kain: Doy.
Kain's Mother: What my little girl?
Baby Kain: Me doy.
Kain's Mother: What was that Kainthrine Sue Mary? (yes, Kainthrine Sue Mary is Kain's
full name)
Baby Kain: Me doy.
Kain's Mother: You're a boy? Oops. I forgot cause you have the cutest little eyelashes.
Baby Kain: (while sucking his thumb) Yumm tumm. Rock me.
Kain's Mother: Yes my little girl-BOY! Sorry, now I'm gonna have to get used to calling
you a boy cause I thought you were a girl. Sorry about that. Here's your pink bottle.
Baby Kain: (holding pink bottle) Pink boddle! Googoogee.
Kain's Mother: (seeing Baby Kain eat the bottle) No, you don't eat the bottle! My sweet
stupid baby.
Baby Kain: Me stupid! Me stupid! Geeheehee. (then he ate his bottle) Yumm tumm.
Kain's Mother: Aww.
/end of that flashback/
Kain: (with disgusted look) Oh, this baby is gonna go through hell.
Turel: What time of the year is this?
Kain: Winter. (fells something and it's the present that Ishmael gave him) Here Turel,
this is from Ishmael.
(Turel takes the present and opens it)
Turel: Who's Ishmael? (sees the present) A DUCKY PAJAMA SET! YAY! NOW A HAVE
RUBBER DUCKY PAJAMAS!
Umah: We should get our baby ducky pajamas.
Kain: Ughh...(Kain faints)
[later that day, Kain's in some room going through a trunk full of pink baby stuff]
Kain: (while digging in the trunk) Christ, did I have anything that WASN'T pink! Did my
mom think I was a girl or something? (then he remembers) Damn it!
(then Turel comes in wearing blue pajamas cover in rubber ducks and rubber ducks as
shoes)
Turel: (smug) I love duckies.
Kain: Yeah yeah yeah. I was a total geek back then.
Turel: Hey, I made up a song about my duckies! It goes like this...
Ducky ducky my own duckies
How I love thou
Lucky lucky I'm so luckies
Cause I have some duckies (that's the end)
Kain: ...
Turel: Like my ducky song?
Kain: ...
Turel: Scrooge! (then Turel stomps off)
Kain: I love pissing off happy people.
(then Umah enters)
Umah: Bad news. I'm not really pregnant.
Kain: (very sad look on his face) You're not?
Umah: No, it's just my winter weight.
Kain: Eww!
Umah: You stupid wanger!
Kain: I'm sorry. *thinking: What the hell's a wanger?*
Umah: (hugs him) Well, I gotta go.
(then she leaves)
Kain: YESSSS!! NOT STUPID BABY! YAHOO!
(then banners fly, fireworks go off, flares light up, confetti is thrown all over the place,
rice is thrown all over)
Kain: (in dramatic slow motion) OOOOHHHH YYYYEEEESSSS!!!!
(than a banner drops saying "Congratulations")
Kain: (jumping up and down excitedly) Dude, yay!
(then a bouquet is thrown in the air along with the cheering of some lieutenants who
are also jumping up and down)
Kain: (jumping 6 feet high) Yay!
Raziel: Here.
(the lieutenants give Kain some "She's-not-pregnant-after-all presents)
Kain: Yahoo!
(then Kain's so excited that he jumps into the air, hits a light bulb and gets
electrocuted, but that's not enough to spoil his good mood)
Rahab: Fireworks!
Kain: Yay!
Raziel (VO): And for that one day, it became a new holiday for the lieutenants and Kain.
It would forever be known as "Not Pregnant Day" where everyone would celebrate and
have a good time.
{Flashback ends}
Raziel: And you were so happy that you drank all the drinks you could and Zephon had
all the marmalade he could till he was going to burst.
Kain: Wow. I like stories with happy endings.
Raziel: And what does that teach you?
Kain: That I'm a lucky bastard!
(he's so happy that he and Umah go off and have sex-unprotected again)
Raziel: You're so total stupid Kain.
Umah: (from afar) Kain, I think I may be pregnant!
Kain: (also from afar) OH MY LORD NO!
Raziel: (shouting to Kain) THIS WHOLE FLASHBACK TAUGHT YOU TO USE
PROTECTION YOU RETARD! (to himself) Man, my dad's stupid!
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Well, this turned out pretty good. On a side note, I hate babies. They annoy me so much I think I momentarily go sane. Anyway, hope you like this chapter and I've finally got a bio up! So don't forget to review!
___________________________________________________________
Note: I said I was gonna do a parody of a show for this chapter, but it didn't work out
and was scrapped, so this is another original
[The scene is the Pillars of Nosgoth and everyone is bored, except Kain who
is complaining because Umah moved in with them]
Kain: Who's stupid idea was it to let Umah move in here?
Raziel: Yours.
Kain: What are you talking about?
Raziel: You made a bet. If you lost, she moved in, but if you won, she moved in. And
you lost.
Kain: What were we playing?
Raziel: Go Fish. Besides, you WANTED her to move in!
Kain: Why would I want that!
Raziel: Were you drunk the night it happened?
Kain: I guess so. Tell me what happened. Cause I don't like being drunk. It makes me
weird.
Zephon's voice: You're always weird.
Kain: Shut up.
Raziel: Okay, here's what happened.
{Flashback begins}
[The setting is the Red Raven Pub, and Kain's wandering what to drink]
Kain: What should I have?
Zephon's voice: Bartender, how about something heavy?
Kain: No, I am not gonna get drunk!
Zephon's voice: Why not?
Kain: I'm weird when I'm drunk. I get emotional and sentimental.
Zephon's voice: Bartender, get us something heavy!
Kain: Zephon, if you get us drunk, I'll cuts our head off.
Zephon's voice: (to Bartender) Never mind!
Kain: I've gotta go to the bathroom. Wait here.
Zephon's voice: Wait here? And besides, since when where there bathrooms in
Nosgoth? I always thought that was strange.
(so they go to the bathroom. They went to the urinal and Kain looked up at the ceiling,
and Human 1, in the one right beside Kain, was wandering what was going on)
Human 1: ??? (he's listening to their conversation. And now, for a humorous effect, we
will hear things through Human 1's ears)
Kain: I'm not gonna look. Zephon, you retarded monkey. I think we should get drunk, I
want to see your emotional side. Well I want to lop off your head. Then come on, show
me what you've got old man. Hey, I'm not a man!
Human 1: !!!
Kain: Well I can tell that. What's that supposed to mean!? Haha, I'm making fun of you!
Well, I know all of your secrets, I'll tell them to everybody! You sound like a loud-
mouthed cheerleader! Well you're stupid! No you're stupid! You're stupid!
(then Kain knocked his head into the urinal, and Kain retaliated by running over to the
nearest stall and slamming the door on his head)
Zephon's voice: I'll kill you till you die!
Kain: Isn't that redundant!?
(then Kain tried to handcuff his hands with toilet tissue, but Kain broke free and ran out
to the hand dryer and repeatedly beat his head into it. Then Kain got pissed out a stole
a lighter)
Zephon's voice: Kain, that's stupid. No, don't don't don't don't.
Kain: Yes.
(then Kain lit his hand on fire. This was VERY confusing to Human 1)
Zephon's voice: Ow!
Kain: Yeah, isn't it great!?
Zephon's voice: Oh yeah! Well, hyahh!
(then Kain lit his other hand on fire)
Zephon's voice: Got you! (then feels burning pain in both his hands) AHH!!
Kain: AHH!!
Zephon's voice: AHH!!
Kain: AHH!! ZEPHON DO SOMETHING!
Zephon's voice: AHH!! (hey, he was doing something-screaming)
Kain: OW!!
Zephon's voice: OW!!
Kain: OW!! Put the fire out!!
Zephon's voice: Okay!!
(so Kain hit his hands on his head to try to get the fire out but unfortunately the fire
caught Kain's hair, making his head on fire)
Kain: ZEPHON YOU STUPID BASTARD!
Zephon's voice: We gotta find another way! Water puts fire out!
(then Kain runs over to the sink)
Kain: Zephon you crazy bastard, think about what you're doing before you do this!
Zephon's voice: What's that supposed to mean?
(then Kain dumped his head into the fire and his hands and the fire went out)
Zephon's voice: Ah, much better.
Kain: IT BURNS!!
Zephon's voice: What burns? The fire's out, you must be-IT BURNS!!
(then Kain collapsed)
Human 1: Starting today, I'm giving up drugs. (then Human 1 leaves)
Kain: We have to...at least...get out of here.
Zephon's voice: (in pain) Yeah. Fire and water mix greatly.
(so Kain stumbles out and sits at a table)
Zephon's voice: That's it, I'm ordering me something. Bartender!! I would like some
marmalade please!
Kain: Marmalade!?
Zephon's voice: Yeah.
Kain: I've got a total idiot attached to me and it's been a hard day.
Zephon's voice: (mesmerizing voice) You want to drink, I wanna see your sensitive
side.
Kain: No! I'll just ask help from the Bartender!
(then a tall man with silver hair, a long sword, black clothing, and with a crow on his
shoulder came over with a present)
Tall dude with crow on shoulder: Are you Kain?
Kain: Yes.
Tall dude with crow on shoulder: Give this to Turel. (gives Kain the present)
Kain: Okay. In case he asks, what's your name?
Tall dude with crow on shoulder: It's Vicio-(then this dude decides that it is probably
best the he doesn't tell Kain his real name)-um, er, call me Ishmael.
Kain: Okay. I'll give this to him Ishmael.
(then Ishmael left)
Zephon's voice: Now I KNOW you need a drink!
Kain: No.
(the Bartender brought Kain a marmalade, but Kain couldn't identify the Bartender,
who's back was turned to Kain and everyone else)
Zephon's voice: Yummy!
Kain: Remember, we share a stomach, so if this gives me indigestion, I'll wring our
neck. (to the Bartender) Bartender, I know you don't give a rat's ass about my
problems since I give less an ass about yours, but listen to my story. This may be our
last chance.
Zephon's voice: (making Kain drink) I love marmalade!
Kain: Okay, I was with this vamp named Umah, but she left me.
Zephon's voice: Yeah, she totally made Kain cry! Hahahaha!
Kain: I didn't cry! Besides, that bitch left me!
Zephon's voice: Kain cried! Hahahaha!
Kain: I didn't cry!
Zephon's voice: Yes you did! You cried! HAHAHAHA!
Bartender: Well, I think that this Umah had a right to leave a sloppy, lazy, idiot good-
for-nothing vampire like you!
Kain: Bartenders are supposed to have feelings!
Zephon's voice: Kain cried! HAHEEEEHAHAHAHA!
(then the Bartender turned around and it turned out that the Bartender was Umah)
Kain: Oh sh**. Now I need something heavy.
Umah: Yes. I'll get you some water.
Zephon's voice: No wait, I can do it. (evil grin)
(so Kain got up and got two heavy drinks)
Zephon's voice: One for Kain, one for Umah.
(they both took a sip)
Umah: O_-
Kain: -_O
Zephon's voice: Hehehehehehe.
Umah: (shaking) W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-what was th-th-th-th-that?
Kain: W-e-e-e-e-e shouldn't have d-d-d-d-drunken th-th-that.
Zephon's voice: It's all good. (he drinks his marmalade)
Kain: (looking deep into Umah's eyes) Know what? You have the most beautiful eyes.
Umah: And you have the most beautiful neck veins.
Kain: Ever since a met you, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I'm really happy to see
you again.
Umah: You're still that little vamp boy I met in Meridia.
(then Umah walked off to do something)
Kain: (to Zephon) Look at her Zephon. She doesn't even remember me anymore.
Zephon's voice: She was happy to see us. *thinking* This is gonna be great!
(then Kain got up and walked to Umah, who was still serving drinks)
Zephon's voice: Kain's such a romantic pansy when he's drunk! I wonder how a
drunken Umah would react?
Kain: Umah, we should love each other.
Umah: But we can't love each other. We'd be living a lie.
Kain: You're right. How do you feel about sex?
Umah: Alright, good idea.
Zephon's voice: Wha???
Kain: Let's go lover.
Umah: Right away.
(so then they decided to make out on the table in front of everybody)
[The scene is now the Pillars and this is still a flaskback]
Raziel: Pillars sweet Pillars.
Kain (VO): Wait a minute! I had sex with Umah on a table in front of everybody!?
Raziel (VO): Yes. Now be quiet, I'm trying to tell you what happened.
Kain (VO): I had SEX WITH UMAH ON A TABLE!?! ZEPHON'S DEAD!
Raziel (VO): When you think about it, it's really quite funny.
Dumah: (walking up to Raziel) Where's Kain?
Raziel: At the Red Raven Pub.
Dumah: Why? I wanna see him suffer!
Raziel: Why are you the favorite!?
Dumah: Cause I'm a lot like him!
Turel: (inspecting his Elvis albums) Everything's all here. Think they came looking for
us?
Melchiah: They were probably hoping we were dead.
Rahab: (holding his rubber ducky) Aw, I've missed you my bath-time ducky. (he then
also picks up a brush) And my bath-time brushy. (then he picks up a human head) Oh,
and I've missed you bed-time heady.
Raziel: No one must know we're home!
Dumah: (while talking on the phone to Mabes) Yep, you can tell Moebius that we're
home now.
Raziel: DUMAH! WHAT IN THE HOLE OF HELL ARE YOU DOING!?
Dumah: Hold on a minute Mabes. (to Raziel) I have nothing to worry about cause I'm
the strongest so you can say that I'm screwing you people over.
Raziel: BUT WHY!?!
Dumah: Cause it's fun! (back to Mabes) Yeah, so you can tell him.
Mabes: (over the phone) YAY! YOU'RE HOME! NEAT-O FRITO ON A DORITO!
Dumah: Hehe. Be sure to tell him. Bye. (then Dumah hung up)
Raziel: DUMAN, YOU CRAZY HE-DIKE! YOU JUST GOT US IN TROUBLE!
Dumah: Yeah, it kicks ass huh?
(then Kain walked in all full of joy)
Kain: Hello my sons!
Lieutenants: Hi...
Kain: My loving sons! Hey Razzyboy!
Rahab: Loving sons?
Raziel: He's Kain all right, that asshole called me Razzboy.
Melchiah: What are you so happy about?
Kain: Guess who's moving in with us?
Zephon's voice: Ooh, is it that poor bum that we found on the side of the pub!?
Kain: You were there dumbass! You know who!
Zephon's voice: Oh, you mean her! Damn it!
Kain: Me and Umah had a bet. If I lost, she moved in, but if I won, she moved in. And I
lost.
Raziel: You lost on purpose didn't you?
Kain: No! We were playing a very hard game!
Rahab: What game?
Kain: Go Fish. I'm so happy that nothing could bring me down.
(Umah then walked in and looked at Kain)
Umah: Kain, I have even more good news!
Kain: What?
Umah: I'm pregnant with out child!
Kain: OH MY LORD NO-OO-OO-OO-OO!
Dumah: Hehehehehehehehehe.
Kain: (while sitting down holding his head) OH DAMN!
Zephon's voice: Knew you should've used protection.
Umah: Are you saying that you're not pleased?
Kain: OH DAMN! OH ALL TO HELL DAMN! FRICKIN' FRACKIN' HELL!
Umah: How can you not be pleased!?
Kain: How can this happen to me? I haven't go the...stuff!
Raziel: My daddy's a father now!
Kain: How!?
Zephon's voice: Well, do we need to have a talk about the crows and the eating-the-
crows? You see, when a vamp and another vamp love each other very much, they
wanna get close to each other. And sometimes-
Kain: Shut it! (to Umah) You sure you just didn't get spontaneously fat all of a sudden?
Umah: (insulted) How dare you? Besides, how did we even do it in the first place?
Zephon's voice: Hahahahahaha! I get you two drunk!
Dumah: Ohohohoho! Low blow! Good one Zephon!
Umah: Zephon, you bastard! (so Umah kicked Kain in the head)
Kain: Hey, you're hurting me!
Raziel: Hey mommy Umah, will you go to Toys'R'Us with me and buy me toys? Hahaha!
Rahab: Yeah mommy Umah, will you help me take a bath and wash me? Hahahaha!
Melchiah: Yeah mommy Umah, will you clean up after me? Hehehe!
Turel: Yeah mommy Umah, will you get your groovey dance moves on with me?
Dumah: Yeah mommy Umah, will you help beat the sh** out of people with me?
Umah: I'm having a baby! Hey Kain, don't you have a pretty pink cradle we could use?
Kain: OH MY LORD NO!
Umah: Oh yeah, and don't forget your little pink bonet. What happened to all your baby
stuff?
Kain: I ate it. I was stupid and little.
Dumah: Ha, he sure is big now!
Kain: Shut it! I remember when I was a baby.
\another flashback begins/
Baby Kain: (dressed in a pink bonet and pink baby clothes in a pink cradle) Lookey,
some wood! Yumm tumm.
Kain's Mother: Aww, look at my cute little girl.
Baby Kain: Doy.
Kain's Mother: What my little girl?
Baby Kain: Me doy.
Kain's Mother: What was that Kainthrine Sue Mary? (yes, Kainthrine Sue Mary is Kain's
full name)
Baby Kain: Me doy.
Kain's Mother: You're a boy? Oops. I forgot cause you have the cutest little eyelashes.
Baby Kain: (while sucking his thumb) Yumm tumm. Rock me.
Kain's Mother: Yes my little girl-BOY! Sorry, now I'm gonna have to get used to calling
you a boy cause I thought you were a girl. Sorry about that. Here's your pink bottle.
Baby Kain: (holding pink bottle) Pink boddle! Googoogee.
Kain's Mother: (seeing Baby Kain eat the bottle) No, you don't eat the bottle! My sweet
stupid baby.
Baby Kain: Me stupid! Me stupid! Geeheehee. (then he ate his bottle) Yumm tumm.
Kain's Mother: Aww.
/end of that flashback/
Kain: (with disgusted look) Oh, this baby is gonna go through hell.
Turel: What time of the year is this?
Kain: Winter. (fells something and it's the present that Ishmael gave him) Here Turel,
this is from Ishmael.
(Turel takes the present and opens it)
Turel: Who's Ishmael? (sees the present) A DUCKY PAJAMA SET! YAY! NOW A HAVE
RUBBER DUCKY PAJAMAS!
Umah: We should get our baby ducky pajamas.
Kain: Ughh...(Kain faints)
[later that day, Kain's in some room going through a trunk full of pink baby stuff]
Kain: (while digging in the trunk) Christ, did I have anything that WASN'T pink! Did my
mom think I was a girl or something? (then he remembers) Damn it!
(then Turel comes in wearing blue pajamas cover in rubber ducks and rubber ducks as
shoes)
Turel: (smug) I love duckies.
Kain: Yeah yeah yeah. I was a total geek back then.
Turel: Hey, I made up a song about my duckies! It goes like this...
Ducky ducky my own duckies
How I love thou
Lucky lucky I'm so luckies
Cause I have some duckies (that's the end)
Kain: ...
Turel: Like my ducky song?
Kain: ...
Turel: Scrooge! (then Turel stomps off)
Kain: I love pissing off happy people.
(then Umah enters)
Umah: Bad news. I'm not really pregnant.
Kain: (very sad look on his face) You're not?
Umah: No, it's just my winter weight.
Kain: Eww!
Umah: You stupid wanger!
Kain: I'm sorry. *thinking: What the hell's a wanger?*
Umah: (hugs him) Well, I gotta go.
(then she leaves)
Kain: YESSSS!! NOT STUPID BABY! YAHOO!
(then banners fly, fireworks go off, flares light up, confetti is thrown all over the place,
rice is thrown all over)
Kain: (in dramatic slow motion) OOOOHHHH YYYYEEEESSSS!!!!
(than a banner drops saying "Congratulations")
Kain: (jumping up and down excitedly) Dude, yay!
(then a bouquet is thrown in the air along with the cheering of some lieutenants who
are also jumping up and down)
Kain: (jumping 6 feet high) Yay!
Raziel: Here.
(the lieutenants give Kain some "She's-not-pregnant-after-all presents)
Kain: Yahoo!
(then Kain's so excited that he jumps into the air, hits a light bulb and gets
electrocuted, but that's not enough to spoil his good mood)
Rahab: Fireworks!
Kain: Yay!
Raziel (VO): And for that one day, it became a new holiday for the lieutenants and Kain.
It would forever be known as "Not Pregnant Day" where everyone would celebrate and
have a good time.
{Flashback ends}
Raziel: And you were so happy that you drank all the drinks you could and Zephon had
all the marmalade he could till he was going to burst.
Kain: Wow. I like stories with happy endings.
Raziel: And what does that teach you?
Kain: That I'm a lucky bastard!
(he's so happy that he and Umah go off and have sex-unprotected again)
Raziel: You're so total stupid Kain.
Umah: (from afar) Kain, I think I may be pregnant!
Kain: (also from afar) OH MY LORD NO!
Raziel: (shouting to Kain) THIS WHOLE FLASHBACK TAUGHT YOU TO USE
PROTECTION YOU RETARD! (to himself) Man, my dad's stupid!
___________________________________________________________
Well, this turned out pretty good. On a side note, I hate babies. They annoy me so much I think I momentarily go sane. Anyway, hope you like this chapter and I've finally got a bio up! So don't forget to review!