Disclaimer: Do I own LoK? That's an interesting question. And the
interesting answer is
no I don't
_______________________________________________________________
*A/N: Okay, last chapter did get confusing, so here's a summarized version of the end part with three Kains. Future Kain teleported in, told on present Kain and past Kain, then future Kain stole present Kain's time- streaming device than teleported away, leaving present Kain stuck in the past. Then it ended the same way the first chapter did. Not sure how to make it clearer than that*
[The time is the present. The scene is the Pillars. Janos, Vorador, and Umah
are planning a party]
Umah: (to Vorador and Janos) Get your butts over here, I'm planning a party!
Janos: A party!? Yay, I love parties! Who should we invite?
Vorador: (looking at Moebius' hands) Am I simply strange or does Moebius have HUGE
ass hands!? I mean, his hands are bigger than his body!
(Umah and Janos just stare at Vorador like he's an idiot or something)
Vorador: I'd hate to get bitch-slapped by these hands! My head would get knocked off!
Umah: Vorador, shut up before I kill you.
Vorador: Don't speak to me like that! I'll get Moebius' balloon hands to knock your block
off! Hahaha!
(then Janos slapped him)
Janos: Get a hold of yourself retard!
Vorador: Thanks Janos, I needed that.
Umah: Anywho, what kind of party should it be?
Vorador: I think it should be one of those parties where everyone comes naked.
Umah: (stares at him)
(then Sebastion pops in)
Sebastion: Did I just here nudist party?
Umah: (rolls eyes) No Sebastion, go away.
Sebastion: Are you sure?
Janos: Yes we're sure. Now go away!
Sebastion: Where's Zephon?
Umah: In the past.
Sebastion: Well, when he comes back, tell him to meet us nudists. We're putting on a
play!
Janos: Doesn't that involve wearing clothes?
Sebastion: Yes.
Vorador: Aw damn it! I wanted to see Umah naked.
Umah: Why does everyone want to see me naked!?
Janos: Anyway, we'll tell him.
Sebastion: We could have a fancy dress party.
Janos: Good idea!
Umah: (to Sebastion) Why are you still here?
Sebastion: Just calm down Ms. U.
Vorador: I want to come dressed as a fried onion.
Janos: Why a fried onion?
Vorador: I love fried onions.
Janos: You look freaky and retarded enough having Moebius' body.
Vorador: Yeah! Moebius has such BIG hands!
Janos: I want to come dressed as a guru.
Sebastion: Yeah, guru's kick total butt. They're rad!
Umah: (to Sebastion) Yes, they're "rad." But why are you still here?
Sebastion: Take it easy girl.
Janos: Hey Umah, what're you gonna dress up as?
Umah: I don't know...
Sebastion: Can I invite the other two? Marcus is a big celebrity, he'd make things even
better!
Janos: Sure. Guru's love everyone!
Vorador: Maybe I should be dressed as Kevorkian?
Umah: (annoyed sigh) You need help Vorador.
Sebastion: Hey, I think Dean Earwicker should come too. He's my drinking buddy!
Vorador: Who the hell IS Dean Earwicker anyway?
Sebastion: I don't know. I met him when I was getting de-loused.
[Anyway, back in the past, the past Kain and the present Kain went getting
sent by one of those trams or whatever that Kain would have to use in BO2
to the Eternal Prison]
Kain: I HATE KAIN!
Past Kain: I hate future Kain!
Kain: That's what I meant! But I hate you too!
Zephon's voice: Hey guys, what's going on?
Kain: Zephon, I hate you too!
Past Kain: (to present Kain) Kain, you suck!
Kain: Well you suck too past Kain! I've seen the future and you aren't in it!
Past Kain: That's mean! Idiot!
Zephon's voice: Why am I stuck with TWO Kains!? (sighs)
Past Kain: Shut up Zephon!
Kain: Yeah!
Zephon's voice: (singing voice) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but
Elder God. Nobody knows-(then he stops singing) Wait, should that be Elder God or
did I screw that one up?
Kain and past Kain: I hate you Zephon!
(then they here a pounding on the roof and the present lieutenants dropped in)
Raziel: Hey Kains!
Zephon's voice: A-HEM!!
Raziel: ...and Zephon.
Kain: What are you doing here ingrate?
Past Kain: Yeah ingrate!
Raziel: (to the past Kain) I'm not YOUR Raziel!
Kain: (seeing Dumah) Ah, I almost missed you Dumah!
Raziel: Did you miss me?
Kain: Yes I did. Many a time I'd wish you were here-
Raziel: Yay!
Kain: --going through this hell instead of me.
Raziel: (sad puppy dog face)
Past Kain: Razzyboy has a yellow eye.
Raziel: (annoyed sigh)
Rahab: Anyway, we have a plan to help you escape before you get sent to the Eternal
Prison once again.
Kain: What?
Melchiah: Throw you off this thing.
Kain: What about Moebius and the guards?
Turel: The past lieutenants are distracting them.
Kain: But I'd still be stuck in this time! You guys are STILL losers!
Raziel: (very PO'ed) HEY, WE'RE GETTING YOUR SORRY STUCK-UP ASS OUT OF HERE
SO YOU WON'T SUFFER ANYMORE EVEN THOUGH WE SHOULD LET THEM HANG YOU
UP BY YOUR ****ING NECK AND ROT AND DIE THERE, BUT I'M STICKING MY DAMN
NECK OUT TO HELP YOUR SORRY ****ING BUTT, SO STOP BEING SUCH AN
UNBEARABLE UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE AND JUST BE THANKFUL!!!!!!!
Everyone: (stunned silence)
Zephon's voice: Damn!
Kain: (very stunned) O-o-o-o-o-okay. I'll c-c-c-c-c-c-c-come...
Raziel: (sweet innocent voice) Thank you.
Past Kain: What about me?
Kain: Screw you!
(so the present Kain and the present lieutenants got on top of the roof and tried to
think of a way to get Kain back to the present time)
Dumah: We're screwed.
Zephon's voice: I'm doomed to stay in Kain forever.
Raziel: Oh yeah! (then Raziel reveals past Zephon tied up)
Zephon's voice: It's me!
Rahab: Yeah! We're gonna cut off his arm and put YOUR arm in its place so you'll be
you again!
Zephon's voice: Alright!
Past Zephon: What?
Raziel: It was gonna happen anyway!
Zephon's voice: Yeah!
Kain: What about my arm?
Raziel: Gonna take your past Kain arm!
Kain: Deal!
Past Zephon: Deal!?
Past Kain: (from inside) Deal!?
(so the present lieutenants knocked out past Kain and past Zephon, done all of the
proper operations and Zephon was in his body again and Kain had his arm)
Zephon: Whoa, I'm me again!
Kain: What are we gonna do?
(then they climbed back into the tram to see the unconscious past Zephon and past
Kain)
Kain: Hehe, they must be so confused!
(so then they all sat there trying to think of how to escape. Everyone quickly got bored,
and when Turel got bored, he tried to think of something to sing. He finally did)
Turel: (starts singing) I'm singing in a train
I'm singing in a train
What a wonderful feeling
I'm happy again
Just singin'
In a train!
(then Kain backhands Turel)
Turel: Ow!
Kain; SHUT UP! I hate your singing!
Raziel: How do we get out?
Kain: This is a tram anyway!
(then present Moebius teleported in)
Raziel: It's Moebius!
Melchiah: Which Moebius?
Moebius: The present Moebius.
Turel: Give us proof!
Moebius: (in a sad tone) You were hitting on my mom.
Turel: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Yep, that's the present Moebius!
Kain: So what are you doing here you disgusting disgraceful pile of filth?
Moebius: I came to tell you a message that I just now found out!
Kain: Wait! How'd you get here?
Moebius: I time traveled. Wanna come?
Zephon: Naw, we wanted to stay here and die! Idiot!
Moebius: Anyway, Kain. Mortanius never told you what happened to your father.
Kain: DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE MY FATHER!!
Moebius: Kain...I am your...
Melchiah: Suspense killing me.
Moebius: ...son.
Kain: (relieved) Yes, you're not my dad! Woo hoo! Ya-WHAT!? MY SON!!
Raziel: OH MY LORD!! I CAN'T BELIVE THIS!
Kain: H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-how? HOW!?
Moebius: It has to do with confusing time travel.
Kain: (irritated) No, time travel gives me headaches!
Dumah: (to Moebius) You're my bro!!
Moebius: Yep.
Dumah: I don't want to exist.
Moebius: I know some hip clothes I could wear! (then Moebius teleports away)
Raziel: I need to get drunk.
Rahab: That is never the answer. Getting drunk or doing drugs is NEVER the answer!
Harmless?
Melchiah: Okay, I everyone sponsoring something other than me?
Turel: I sponsor Broadway.
Kain: The two things I hate most is time travel and Moebius. Now they're brought
together! Help me!
(then Moebius reappeared wearing very baggy blue jeans, a white see-through t-shirt, a
gold necklace with a gold circle with the word "M" on it, wearing a cap backwards and
wearing sunglasses. In other words, he looked like a white rapper)
Turel: Oh no. No no no no. The last white rapper that was ever good was Vanilla Ice
and you sure as hell aren't any Vanilla Ice.
Moebius: I thought that since I'm one of you guys, I could dress cool like you!
Raziel: You are so stupid. Anyway, let's go.
Moebius: Okay.
(then Moebius teleported them all out of there)
[In ancient mythology-timed Greek, there were many great mythologies. One is about
to be discovered when Kain, the lieutenants, and Moebius appeared out of nowhere]
Kain: Damn, why can't we ever simply time travel anywhere!?
Moebius: I don't know.
Dumah: I so hate you Moebius.
Kain: I'm hungry.
(so Kain went up to someone and tapped on the person's shoulder. The person turned
around)
???: Hello, my name is Abel. I would-
(then Kain slew Abel)
Kain: There, my anger is quarried.
Dumah: Why must Kain talk like he's high-classed? My anger has been quarried? You're
supposed to say, "There, I've beat the crap outta you."
Kain: Shut up!
Rahab: Wow. Kain slew Abel.
Kain: Oh, happy happy Kain.
Moebius: Let's see if I can get us out of here.
(then Moebius teleports them out of there)
[Well, I believe EVERYONE knows about Noah's Ark, and by that alone I believe
everyone has an idea of what's about to happen. Kain, lieutenants, and Moebius
teleport in front of the infamous big boat]
Noah: ...and 2 zebras. There, I think that's it. (he looks up and sees the 7 vamps,
plus a half old dude half vamp) Oh damn it all! Just when I think I have them all, more
come along! There are 8 so they can be divided up! Just get on!
Dumah: Use the staff!
(then Noah snatches the staff and throws the 8 onboard and the boat sets off)
Kain: (annoyed sigh)
Moebius: Don't worry, I can get us out of here. I speak zebra.
Raziel: ?
Meobius: (speaking zebra to one of the 2 zebras) Eeeeeewonka eeenowken plowkin
dermidee dermada doley.
Zephon: (just stares at him like he's an idiot. Then finally) AWESOME! TEACH ME!
TEACH ME! WAHOO!
Dumah: Yahoo! Trademarked Yahoo of course.
Kain: I'm so trapped with a bunch of retards on a boat.
Moebius: The zebras say they know a way out.
Kain: (irritated stare)
Zephon: AWESOME! I WANNA SPEAK ZEBRA!
Moebius: Well I trust them!
Kain: Stupid nature-loving hippy.
(so Moebius found a secret door leading to a ladder to get to the top of the boat!)
Moebius: I knew the zebras wouldn't lie!
Kain: What? But they're just stupid animals!
(then Dumah walked up to them while patting his belly)
Dumah: Yum yum yum. I'm full now.
Rahab: Please don't tell me that you ATE an animal Dumah.
Dumah: Yep. Bunny never tasted better.
Rahab: Now you've caused a major paradox that can only be un-done by lots of very
confusing time travel.
Kain: Arghhh! I hate paradoxi! It's confusing and gives me a headache! Good going
Dumah, you screwed things up!
Dumah: But aren't you supposed to blame Razzyboy?
Kain: Oh yeah. (then he looked at Raziel) Good going Razzyboy, you screwed things up!
Raziel: I hate Dumah.
Dumah: I'm going to eat another animal.
Rahab: No! You already ate a bunny, that's bad enough!
Dumah: I hear that an aardvark would make a lovely clothing line.
(then Dumah went to search for 2 aardvarks)
Turel: Let's just leave without him.
Kain: I can't leave without my FAVORITE SON Dumah, now can I?
Moebius: How are we going to get my stick back?
Kain: Kill Noah for it.
Rahab: But that would cause a major paradox.
Kain: (walks slowly up to Rahab's face) I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT PARADOXI
ANYMORE! IT'S STUPID AND CONFUSING!
Rahab: It's paradoxes.
(then Dumah returned empty-handed)
Dumah: The idiot Noah forgot about aardvarks.
Kain: Let's go.
(so they all went to the top of the boat and confronted Noah)
Kain: Noah you pansy, give us our stick!
Noah: No. How'd you escape?
Dumah: Oh, and you forgot 2 aardvarks.
Noah: I knew I was missing something. OH DAMN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT ABOUT
2 AARDVARKS. ALL MY HARD WORK AND I SCREW UP. AW CRAP MAN! I CAN'T
BELIEVE THIS!
Dumah: Hahaha, I love seeing people upset!
Noah: (to Dumah) It's your fault! (then Noah wielded Moebius' stick)
Melchiah: Hey Dumah, you've got a bit of bunny sticking out your teeth.
Noah: BUNNY!? BUNNY?
Dumah: You did that on purpose didn't you, Melchiah?
Melchiah: Hahahahahaha!
Turel: (to Melchiah) Good one.
Noah: Ickyickypootang!
Dumah: Ickyickypootang?
Noah: That's my war cry!
(then Noah smacked Dumah in the head with the stick, then he lifted Dumah up with
the stick and slammed Dumah down. Noah then proceeded to repeatedly slam the stick
into Dumah over and over again)
Kain: Come on Dumah, stop playing around.
Dumah: Ow!
(then Noah picked up Dumah and jumped on Dumah's shoulders, where Noah would
take one foot at a time and kick Dumah's head)
Dumah: Ow! (kicked) Ow! (kicked) Ow! Make it stop!
(then Noah jumped back to the ground and jump-kicked Dumah, sending Dumah to the
ledge of the boat)
Kain: Hey Noah, no one beats up my FAVORITE SON!
(then Noah slammed the stick into Kain's head, but it didn't hurt Kain)
Kain: Haha, you can't hurt me because all of my nerve endings have been destroyed
when I Immolated myself a few hours ago! I did it to see if it would destroy my nerve
endings!
(so Noah slammed the stick into Kain's chest)
Kain: Nope. No hurt-e. No nerve endings anywhere that I can think of.
(so Noah slammed the stick against Kain's kneecaps)
Kain: Hahahahaha!
(so Noah slammed the stick into Kain's groin)
Kain: No nerve endings! But you've just gotten personal.
(then Kain picked up Noah, stole the stick, and threw Noah down into the ship)
Kain: Got the stick.
Rahab: You know, what you've just done to Noah WILL cause I paradox.
Kain: I DON'T CARE!!!
Moebius: My staff!
Kain: No! I'll use it!
(then Dumah walked over)
Dumah: Has anyone got a Band-Aid?
Turel: Oh! I sponsor Band-Aids!
Moebius: You don't know how to use my staff!
Kain: Oh, I'm sure I can work this.
(so Kain twirled around the staff and accidentally stepped on it and they disappeared)
[Back at the Present Time, Umah, Vorador, and Janos were enjoying the
party they started. Janos was a guru, Vorador was Dr. Kevorkian, and Umah
was dressed as Kain. Tons of other people from the LoK universe were there
as well]
Umah: I look so cool.
Janos: Yes. For a guru accepts everyone.
Vorador: Even me?
Janos: I just plain feel sorry for you for having Moebius' body.
(then Marcus, Sebastion, and Faustus walk up)
Marcus: Hello people.
(then a lot of people and creatures surrounded Marcus because almost everyone in
Nosgoth were Marcus fans after seeing his movie "Can't Catch Me")
Fan girls: (an amazing 100 fan girls) IT'S MARCUS! WE LOVE YOU MARCUS! YOU'RE SO
HANDSOME WITH THAT GLEAMING BALD HEAD!
Hash: MARCUS! I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN! YOUR BALD HEAD GLEAMS SO WELL THAT
I CAN SEE MYSELF IN IT! YAY!
Marcus: Do you people want to see a preview for "Still Can't Catch Me?"
Fan girls: YES!!
Hash: (jumping up and down excited) YES!! YAY YAY! LEMME LEMME SEE!
Faustus: (to Umah) He's such a celebrity! Just like Bill Clinton!
Sebastion: (to Umah) Yes, he also says that WE can be in his next movie! Me, Faustus,
and even Dean Earwicker! (then Sebastion sees Vorador) AHH!!! (then Sebastion runs
away)
Faustus: What's his problem? (then Faustus sees Vorador) HOLY HELL! (then Faustus
runs away)
Vorador: Wow, I have a really cool costume!
Marcus: (shouting out) Wanna see a trailer to "Still Can't Catch Me?"
Everyone minus Umah, Vorador, and Janos: YES!! WE WANNA SEE!!
Hash: OH MY LORD, I'M IN MARCUS' PRESENCE! I AM SO PROUD! I AM SO GRATEFUL!
(Marcus walks over to Umah)
Marcus: Damn Kain, you look ugly!
Umah: It's me, Umah.
Marcus: Wow, good costume! Hey, have you got a tape player?
Umah: Yep.
Marcus: I need to borrow it.
Umah: Okay.
(to Marcus sets up the tape player and is ready to play the tape)
Marcus: Here you go people!
Hash: OHMYGOD YES!! I WANNA SEE MARCUS! MARCUS MARCUS MARCUS!
Magnus: MARCUS IS MY FRIEND!
(then Marcus plays the trailer for the movie. The words "Still Can't Catch Me" appear on
the screen, followed by a clip of the movie which has Marcus saying "Can't catch me"
and then the movie clip was over. Everyone just stood in silence. Then)
Everyone minus Umah, Vorador, and Janos: YAY!! THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!
Hash: I WOULD GIVE MY LEFT EAR LOBE JUST TO VIEW THAT AGAIN! MARCUS IS A
SAVIOR! YAY MARCUS!
(just then, Kain, lieutenants, and Moebius teleport in)
Rahab: (to Kain) On our way back, you shouldn't have told Einstein that E=MC cubed.
That had to have caused a major paradox.
(then Kain saw everyone)
Kain: What in the hole of hell is going on here!?
Umah: Uh-oh.
Rahab: I've seen some of the future from the Chronoplast, and this isn't supposed to
happen. This is a paradox.
(then Kain looses it)
Kain: ENOUGH WITH THE STUPID PARADOXI! PARADOXI ARE STUPID, CONFUSING,
AND GIVE ME A HEADACHE! I NEVER WANNA TIME TRAVEL AGAIN BECAUSE I'D
CUASE ANOTHER STUPID CONFUSING PARADOX!
Rahab: But what about when your future self teleported into that court room?
Kain: I DON'T EVEN GIVE 2 DAMNS ANYMORE! PARADOXI ARE STUPID AND
CONFUSING! ARGHH!!
Marcus: KAIN LOOKS LIKE MEAT!
Moebius: So what are you saying, Big Daddy?
Kain: I'm saying...Big Daddy? Anyway, I'm saying, time travel is stupid and I'll never
do it again! Paradoxi are too confusing!
Zephon: Okay, you've said your peace. Hey, there's a party going on! Woohoo!
Kain: What the hell is going on!?
Seer: (walking up to Kain) You are stressed out.
Kain: Well thank you Ms. Stating-the-obvious! Why are you here?
Seer: Partying. Here, take this anti-stress medicine.
(so Kain took the medicine and was immediately non-stressed)
Kain: You know, I like rainbows. They're pretty.
Raziel: (to the Seer) What'd you give him?
Seer: That same calming medication that I have before.
Raziel: You mean from when we were filming?
Seer: Yep.
Raziel: This will be fun.
____________________________________________________________
Now that Kain's back on his calming medication, what will Razzyboy do to get back at Kain? Find out in the next chapter! Review. Oh, and paradoxing is really starting to get confusing, so I just said "Screw it."
no I don't
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*A/N: Okay, last chapter did get confusing, so here's a summarized version of the end part with three Kains. Future Kain teleported in, told on present Kain and past Kain, then future Kain stole present Kain's time- streaming device than teleported away, leaving present Kain stuck in the past. Then it ended the same way the first chapter did. Not sure how to make it clearer than that*
[The time is the present. The scene is the Pillars. Janos, Vorador, and Umah
are planning a party]
Umah: (to Vorador and Janos) Get your butts over here, I'm planning a party!
Janos: A party!? Yay, I love parties! Who should we invite?
Vorador: (looking at Moebius' hands) Am I simply strange or does Moebius have HUGE
ass hands!? I mean, his hands are bigger than his body!
(Umah and Janos just stare at Vorador like he's an idiot or something)
Vorador: I'd hate to get bitch-slapped by these hands! My head would get knocked off!
Umah: Vorador, shut up before I kill you.
Vorador: Don't speak to me like that! I'll get Moebius' balloon hands to knock your block
off! Hahaha!
(then Janos slapped him)
Janos: Get a hold of yourself retard!
Vorador: Thanks Janos, I needed that.
Umah: Anywho, what kind of party should it be?
Vorador: I think it should be one of those parties where everyone comes naked.
Umah: (stares at him)
(then Sebastion pops in)
Sebastion: Did I just here nudist party?
Umah: (rolls eyes) No Sebastion, go away.
Sebastion: Are you sure?
Janos: Yes we're sure. Now go away!
Sebastion: Where's Zephon?
Umah: In the past.
Sebastion: Well, when he comes back, tell him to meet us nudists. We're putting on a
play!
Janos: Doesn't that involve wearing clothes?
Sebastion: Yes.
Vorador: Aw damn it! I wanted to see Umah naked.
Umah: Why does everyone want to see me naked!?
Janos: Anyway, we'll tell him.
Sebastion: We could have a fancy dress party.
Janos: Good idea!
Umah: (to Sebastion) Why are you still here?
Sebastion: Just calm down Ms. U.
Vorador: I want to come dressed as a fried onion.
Janos: Why a fried onion?
Vorador: I love fried onions.
Janos: You look freaky and retarded enough having Moebius' body.
Vorador: Yeah! Moebius has such BIG hands!
Janos: I want to come dressed as a guru.
Sebastion: Yeah, guru's kick total butt. They're rad!
Umah: (to Sebastion) Yes, they're "rad." But why are you still here?
Sebastion: Take it easy girl.
Janos: Hey Umah, what're you gonna dress up as?
Umah: I don't know...
Sebastion: Can I invite the other two? Marcus is a big celebrity, he'd make things even
better!
Janos: Sure. Guru's love everyone!
Vorador: Maybe I should be dressed as Kevorkian?
Umah: (annoyed sigh) You need help Vorador.
Sebastion: Hey, I think Dean Earwicker should come too. He's my drinking buddy!
Vorador: Who the hell IS Dean Earwicker anyway?
Sebastion: I don't know. I met him when I was getting de-loused.
[Anyway, back in the past, the past Kain and the present Kain went getting
sent by one of those trams or whatever that Kain would have to use in BO2
to the Eternal Prison]
Kain: I HATE KAIN!
Past Kain: I hate future Kain!
Kain: That's what I meant! But I hate you too!
Zephon's voice: Hey guys, what's going on?
Kain: Zephon, I hate you too!
Past Kain: (to present Kain) Kain, you suck!
Kain: Well you suck too past Kain! I've seen the future and you aren't in it!
Past Kain: That's mean! Idiot!
Zephon's voice: Why am I stuck with TWO Kains!? (sighs)
Past Kain: Shut up Zephon!
Kain: Yeah!
Zephon's voice: (singing voice) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but
Elder God. Nobody knows-(then he stops singing) Wait, should that be Elder God or
did I screw that one up?
Kain and past Kain: I hate you Zephon!
(then they here a pounding on the roof and the present lieutenants dropped in)
Raziel: Hey Kains!
Zephon's voice: A-HEM!!
Raziel: ...and Zephon.
Kain: What are you doing here ingrate?
Past Kain: Yeah ingrate!
Raziel: (to the past Kain) I'm not YOUR Raziel!
Kain: (seeing Dumah) Ah, I almost missed you Dumah!
Raziel: Did you miss me?
Kain: Yes I did. Many a time I'd wish you were here-
Raziel: Yay!
Kain: --going through this hell instead of me.
Raziel: (sad puppy dog face)
Past Kain: Razzyboy has a yellow eye.
Raziel: (annoyed sigh)
Rahab: Anyway, we have a plan to help you escape before you get sent to the Eternal
Prison once again.
Kain: What?
Melchiah: Throw you off this thing.
Kain: What about Moebius and the guards?
Turel: The past lieutenants are distracting them.
Kain: But I'd still be stuck in this time! You guys are STILL losers!
Raziel: (very PO'ed) HEY, WE'RE GETTING YOUR SORRY STUCK-UP ASS OUT OF HERE
SO YOU WON'T SUFFER ANYMORE EVEN THOUGH WE SHOULD LET THEM HANG YOU
UP BY YOUR ****ING NECK AND ROT AND DIE THERE, BUT I'M STICKING MY DAMN
NECK OUT TO HELP YOUR SORRY ****ING BUTT, SO STOP BEING SUCH AN
UNBEARABLE UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE AND JUST BE THANKFUL!!!!!!!
Everyone: (stunned silence)
Zephon's voice: Damn!
Kain: (very stunned) O-o-o-o-o-okay. I'll c-c-c-c-c-c-c-come...
Raziel: (sweet innocent voice) Thank you.
Past Kain: What about me?
Kain: Screw you!
(so the present Kain and the present lieutenants got on top of the roof and tried to
think of a way to get Kain back to the present time)
Dumah: We're screwed.
Zephon's voice: I'm doomed to stay in Kain forever.
Raziel: Oh yeah! (then Raziel reveals past Zephon tied up)
Zephon's voice: It's me!
Rahab: Yeah! We're gonna cut off his arm and put YOUR arm in its place so you'll be
you again!
Zephon's voice: Alright!
Past Zephon: What?
Raziel: It was gonna happen anyway!
Zephon's voice: Yeah!
Kain: What about my arm?
Raziel: Gonna take your past Kain arm!
Kain: Deal!
Past Zephon: Deal!?
Past Kain: (from inside) Deal!?
(so the present lieutenants knocked out past Kain and past Zephon, done all of the
proper operations and Zephon was in his body again and Kain had his arm)
Zephon: Whoa, I'm me again!
Kain: What are we gonna do?
(then they climbed back into the tram to see the unconscious past Zephon and past
Kain)
Kain: Hehe, they must be so confused!
(so then they all sat there trying to think of how to escape. Everyone quickly got bored,
and when Turel got bored, he tried to think of something to sing. He finally did)
Turel: (starts singing) I'm singing in a train
I'm singing in a train
What a wonderful feeling
I'm happy again
Just singin'
In a train!
(then Kain backhands Turel)
Turel: Ow!
Kain; SHUT UP! I hate your singing!
Raziel: How do we get out?
Kain: This is a tram anyway!
(then present Moebius teleported in)
Raziel: It's Moebius!
Melchiah: Which Moebius?
Moebius: The present Moebius.
Turel: Give us proof!
Moebius: (in a sad tone) You were hitting on my mom.
Turel: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Yep, that's the present Moebius!
Kain: So what are you doing here you disgusting disgraceful pile of filth?
Moebius: I came to tell you a message that I just now found out!
Kain: Wait! How'd you get here?
Moebius: I time traveled. Wanna come?
Zephon: Naw, we wanted to stay here and die! Idiot!
Moebius: Anyway, Kain. Mortanius never told you what happened to your father.
Kain: DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE MY FATHER!!
Moebius: Kain...I am your...
Melchiah: Suspense killing me.
Moebius: ...son.
Kain: (relieved) Yes, you're not my dad! Woo hoo! Ya-WHAT!? MY SON!!
Raziel: OH MY LORD!! I CAN'T BELIVE THIS!
Kain: H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-how? HOW!?
Moebius: It has to do with confusing time travel.
Kain: (irritated) No, time travel gives me headaches!
Dumah: (to Moebius) You're my bro!!
Moebius: Yep.
Dumah: I don't want to exist.
Moebius: I know some hip clothes I could wear! (then Moebius teleports away)
Raziel: I need to get drunk.
Rahab: That is never the answer. Getting drunk or doing drugs is NEVER the answer!
Harmless?
Melchiah: Okay, I everyone sponsoring something other than me?
Turel: I sponsor Broadway.
Kain: The two things I hate most is time travel and Moebius. Now they're brought
together! Help me!
(then Moebius reappeared wearing very baggy blue jeans, a white see-through t-shirt, a
gold necklace with a gold circle with the word "M" on it, wearing a cap backwards and
wearing sunglasses. In other words, he looked like a white rapper)
Turel: Oh no. No no no no. The last white rapper that was ever good was Vanilla Ice
and you sure as hell aren't any Vanilla Ice.
Moebius: I thought that since I'm one of you guys, I could dress cool like you!
Raziel: You are so stupid. Anyway, let's go.
Moebius: Okay.
(then Moebius teleported them all out of there)
[In ancient mythology-timed Greek, there were many great mythologies. One is about
to be discovered when Kain, the lieutenants, and Moebius appeared out of nowhere]
Kain: Damn, why can't we ever simply time travel anywhere!?
Moebius: I don't know.
Dumah: I so hate you Moebius.
Kain: I'm hungry.
(so Kain went up to someone and tapped on the person's shoulder. The person turned
around)
???: Hello, my name is Abel. I would-
(then Kain slew Abel)
Kain: There, my anger is quarried.
Dumah: Why must Kain talk like he's high-classed? My anger has been quarried? You're
supposed to say, "There, I've beat the crap outta you."
Kain: Shut up!
Rahab: Wow. Kain slew Abel.
Kain: Oh, happy happy Kain.
Moebius: Let's see if I can get us out of here.
(then Moebius teleports them out of there)
[Well, I believe EVERYONE knows about Noah's Ark, and by that alone I believe
everyone has an idea of what's about to happen. Kain, lieutenants, and Moebius
teleport in front of the infamous big boat]
Noah: ...and 2 zebras. There, I think that's it. (he looks up and sees the 7 vamps,
plus a half old dude half vamp) Oh damn it all! Just when I think I have them all, more
come along! There are 8 so they can be divided up! Just get on!
Dumah: Use the staff!
(then Noah snatches the staff and throws the 8 onboard and the boat sets off)
Kain: (annoyed sigh)
Moebius: Don't worry, I can get us out of here. I speak zebra.
Raziel: ?
Meobius: (speaking zebra to one of the 2 zebras) Eeeeeewonka eeenowken plowkin
dermidee dermada doley.
Zephon: (just stares at him like he's an idiot. Then finally) AWESOME! TEACH ME!
TEACH ME! WAHOO!
Dumah: Yahoo! Trademarked Yahoo of course.
Kain: I'm so trapped with a bunch of retards on a boat.
Moebius: The zebras say they know a way out.
Kain: (irritated stare)
Zephon: AWESOME! I WANNA SPEAK ZEBRA!
Moebius: Well I trust them!
Kain: Stupid nature-loving hippy.
(so Moebius found a secret door leading to a ladder to get to the top of the boat!)
Moebius: I knew the zebras wouldn't lie!
Kain: What? But they're just stupid animals!
(then Dumah walked up to them while patting his belly)
Dumah: Yum yum yum. I'm full now.
Rahab: Please don't tell me that you ATE an animal Dumah.
Dumah: Yep. Bunny never tasted better.
Rahab: Now you've caused a major paradox that can only be un-done by lots of very
confusing time travel.
Kain: Arghhh! I hate paradoxi! It's confusing and gives me a headache! Good going
Dumah, you screwed things up!
Dumah: But aren't you supposed to blame Razzyboy?
Kain: Oh yeah. (then he looked at Raziel) Good going Razzyboy, you screwed things up!
Raziel: I hate Dumah.
Dumah: I'm going to eat another animal.
Rahab: No! You already ate a bunny, that's bad enough!
Dumah: I hear that an aardvark would make a lovely clothing line.
(then Dumah went to search for 2 aardvarks)
Turel: Let's just leave without him.
Kain: I can't leave without my FAVORITE SON Dumah, now can I?
Moebius: How are we going to get my stick back?
Kain: Kill Noah for it.
Rahab: But that would cause a major paradox.
Kain: (walks slowly up to Rahab's face) I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT PARADOXI
ANYMORE! IT'S STUPID AND CONFUSING!
Rahab: It's paradoxes.
(then Dumah returned empty-handed)
Dumah: The idiot Noah forgot about aardvarks.
Kain: Let's go.
(so they all went to the top of the boat and confronted Noah)
Kain: Noah you pansy, give us our stick!
Noah: No. How'd you escape?
Dumah: Oh, and you forgot 2 aardvarks.
Noah: I knew I was missing something. OH DAMN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT ABOUT
2 AARDVARKS. ALL MY HARD WORK AND I SCREW UP. AW CRAP MAN! I CAN'T
BELIEVE THIS!
Dumah: Hahaha, I love seeing people upset!
Noah: (to Dumah) It's your fault! (then Noah wielded Moebius' stick)
Melchiah: Hey Dumah, you've got a bit of bunny sticking out your teeth.
Noah: BUNNY!? BUNNY?
Dumah: You did that on purpose didn't you, Melchiah?
Melchiah: Hahahahahaha!
Turel: (to Melchiah) Good one.
Noah: Ickyickypootang!
Dumah: Ickyickypootang?
Noah: That's my war cry!
(then Noah smacked Dumah in the head with the stick, then he lifted Dumah up with
the stick and slammed Dumah down. Noah then proceeded to repeatedly slam the stick
into Dumah over and over again)
Kain: Come on Dumah, stop playing around.
Dumah: Ow!
(then Noah picked up Dumah and jumped on Dumah's shoulders, where Noah would
take one foot at a time and kick Dumah's head)
Dumah: Ow! (kicked) Ow! (kicked) Ow! Make it stop!
(then Noah jumped back to the ground and jump-kicked Dumah, sending Dumah to the
ledge of the boat)
Kain: Hey Noah, no one beats up my FAVORITE SON!
(then Noah slammed the stick into Kain's head, but it didn't hurt Kain)
Kain: Haha, you can't hurt me because all of my nerve endings have been destroyed
when I Immolated myself a few hours ago! I did it to see if it would destroy my nerve
endings!
(so Noah slammed the stick into Kain's chest)
Kain: Nope. No hurt-e. No nerve endings anywhere that I can think of.
(so Noah slammed the stick against Kain's kneecaps)
Kain: Hahahahaha!
(so Noah slammed the stick into Kain's groin)
Kain: No nerve endings! But you've just gotten personal.
(then Kain picked up Noah, stole the stick, and threw Noah down into the ship)
Kain: Got the stick.
Rahab: You know, what you've just done to Noah WILL cause I paradox.
Kain: I DON'T CARE!!!
Moebius: My staff!
Kain: No! I'll use it!
(then Dumah walked over)
Dumah: Has anyone got a Band-Aid?
Turel: Oh! I sponsor Band-Aids!
Moebius: You don't know how to use my staff!
Kain: Oh, I'm sure I can work this.
(so Kain twirled around the staff and accidentally stepped on it and they disappeared)
[Back at the Present Time, Umah, Vorador, and Janos were enjoying the
party they started. Janos was a guru, Vorador was Dr. Kevorkian, and Umah
was dressed as Kain. Tons of other people from the LoK universe were there
as well]
Umah: I look so cool.
Janos: Yes. For a guru accepts everyone.
Vorador: Even me?
Janos: I just plain feel sorry for you for having Moebius' body.
(then Marcus, Sebastion, and Faustus walk up)
Marcus: Hello people.
(then a lot of people and creatures surrounded Marcus because almost everyone in
Nosgoth were Marcus fans after seeing his movie "Can't Catch Me")
Fan girls: (an amazing 100 fan girls) IT'S MARCUS! WE LOVE YOU MARCUS! YOU'RE SO
HANDSOME WITH THAT GLEAMING BALD HEAD!
Hash: MARCUS! I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN! YOUR BALD HEAD GLEAMS SO WELL THAT
I CAN SEE MYSELF IN IT! YAY!
Marcus: Do you people want to see a preview for "Still Can't Catch Me?"
Fan girls: YES!!
Hash: (jumping up and down excited) YES!! YAY YAY! LEMME LEMME SEE!
Faustus: (to Umah) He's such a celebrity! Just like Bill Clinton!
Sebastion: (to Umah) Yes, he also says that WE can be in his next movie! Me, Faustus,
and even Dean Earwicker! (then Sebastion sees Vorador) AHH!!! (then Sebastion runs
away)
Faustus: What's his problem? (then Faustus sees Vorador) HOLY HELL! (then Faustus
runs away)
Vorador: Wow, I have a really cool costume!
Marcus: (shouting out) Wanna see a trailer to "Still Can't Catch Me?"
Everyone minus Umah, Vorador, and Janos: YES!! WE WANNA SEE!!
Hash: OH MY LORD, I'M IN MARCUS' PRESENCE! I AM SO PROUD! I AM SO GRATEFUL!
(Marcus walks over to Umah)
Marcus: Damn Kain, you look ugly!
Umah: It's me, Umah.
Marcus: Wow, good costume! Hey, have you got a tape player?
Umah: Yep.
Marcus: I need to borrow it.
Umah: Okay.
(to Marcus sets up the tape player and is ready to play the tape)
Marcus: Here you go people!
Hash: OHMYGOD YES!! I WANNA SEE MARCUS! MARCUS MARCUS MARCUS!
Magnus: MARCUS IS MY FRIEND!
(then Marcus plays the trailer for the movie. The words "Still Can't Catch Me" appear on
the screen, followed by a clip of the movie which has Marcus saying "Can't catch me"
and then the movie clip was over. Everyone just stood in silence. Then)
Everyone minus Umah, Vorador, and Janos: YAY!! THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!
Hash: I WOULD GIVE MY LEFT EAR LOBE JUST TO VIEW THAT AGAIN! MARCUS IS A
SAVIOR! YAY MARCUS!
(just then, Kain, lieutenants, and Moebius teleport in)
Rahab: (to Kain) On our way back, you shouldn't have told Einstein that E=MC cubed.
That had to have caused a major paradox.
(then Kain saw everyone)
Kain: What in the hole of hell is going on here!?
Umah: Uh-oh.
Rahab: I've seen some of the future from the Chronoplast, and this isn't supposed to
happen. This is a paradox.
(then Kain looses it)
Kain: ENOUGH WITH THE STUPID PARADOXI! PARADOXI ARE STUPID, CONFUSING,
AND GIVE ME A HEADACHE! I NEVER WANNA TIME TRAVEL AGAIN BECAUSE I'D
CUASE ANOTHER STUPID CONFUSING PARADOX!
Rahab: But what about when your future self teleported into that court room?
Kain: I DON'T EVEN GIVE 2 DAMNS ANYMORE! PARADOXI ARE STUPID AND
CONFUSING! ARGHH!!
Marcus: KAIN LOOKS LIKE MEAT!
Moebius: So what are you saying, Big Daddy?
Kain: I'm saying...Big Daddy? Anyway, I'm saying, time travel is stupid and I'll never
do it again! Paradoxi are too confusing!
Zephon: Okay, you've said your peace. Hey, there's a party going on! Woohoo!
Kain: What the hell is going on!?
Seer: (walking up to Kain) You are stressed out.
Kain: Well thank you Ms. Stating-the-obvious! Why are you here?
Seer: Partying. Here, take this anti-stress medicine.
(so Kain took the medicine and was immediately non-stressed)
Kain: You know, I like rainbows. They're pretty.
Raziel: (to the Seer) What'd you give him?
Seer: That same calming medication that I have before.
Raziel: You mean from when we were filming?
Seer: Yep.
Raziel: This will be fun.
____________________________________________________________
Now that Kain's back on his calming medication, what will Razzyboy do to get back at Kain? Find out in the next chapter! Review. Oh, and paradoxing is really starting to get confusing, so I just said "Screw it."