Disclamier: No own LoK no own its characters
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[The scene was the Pillars and the lieutenants, plus Moebius and Umah, were discussing what kind of revenge to exact of Kain since he was once again on his medication]
Raziel: Okay, we are here to discuss revenge against Kain! Any suggestions?
Turel: I suggest we take him to a Star Trek convention and tell people that he is a
retarded borg!
Melchiah: I think-
Dumah: No one cares about you Melchiah! I say we take him to a meat processing
factory, put him in it, and let him get chopped up where I will BEAT WHAT'S LEFT OF
HIM INTO A BLOODY PULP! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
(they all just stare at him)
Dumah: Geeheehee.
Raziel: ...how about NOT Dumah?
Dumah: Aw, you're no fun!
Rahab: I like Turel's suggestion.
Dumah: (to Rahab) No one likes you either NERD! We should take him to an Ozzy
Osbourne concert and see if we can get Ozzy to bite his head off! Mwahahahahaha!
Raziel: (annoyed sigh) Jesus christ Dumah, just shut up.
Moebius: I say we take Big Daddy Kainy and exploit his secrets about his mother
thinking he was a girl, you foo's.
Dumah: It's "fools", not "foo's" you retarded monkey!
Moebius: Not when you're a white rapper you homophobe.
Dumah: What?
Raziel: Moebius, shut up.
Dumah: Gahahahahaha!
Raziel: (to Dumah) You shut up too, you freak!
Umah: I say we take him swimming.
Raziel: Nah, we can do that anytime. We need to do something that we could only get
away with when he's medicated.
Moebius: Hey Hum Daddy Razzy, how about we put him on television?
Raziel: Hum Daddy Razzy? I like it! That's a good idea Moe.
Moebius: Hum Daddy Razzy nicknamed me! Moe! I love that!
Raziel: But I've got the ultimate idea! We let him host his own kids' show!
Umah: Brilliant! You've definitely got some of your evil father in you.
Raziel: Thanks. I think.
Moebius: You hip Hum Daddy Razzy!
Dumah: Hey Moe, do I get a name?
Moebius: Of course Hermaphroditey Dumey.
Dumah: Don't call me Hermaphroditey Dumey!
Turel: Where is Kain anyway? It's not safe to unleash a medicated Kain.
Umah: He's out trying to solve world-hunger.
Dumah: Yeah, if I did that, I would solve world-hunger and tell no one that I did!
Raziel: You really are a pain Dumah, you know that right?
Dumah: Yep. And I'm proud of it!
Raziel: Kain will host his own kids' show. This is gonna be great! Hahahaha!
(so Zephon was made to go fetch Kain. But Zephon got lost by the time he got to
Ushte-something, he saw a sarafan impale a vampire and the sarafan ran away.
Zephon ran up to the speared vampire)
Speared Vampire: (pointing to the spear that he was impaled on)
Zephon: (confused, but then understood what was going on) CHARADES! Yay!
Speared Vampire: (rolls eyes) No you idiot, get this spear out of me!
Zephon: Wait! You can't talk during charades!
Speared Vampire: This isn't charades you retard!
Zephon: You pointed one finger at me so this charade involves 1 word.
Speared Vampire: (annoyed sigh) What an idiot.
Zephon: Aha! 1 word! (sees the vampire point toward the spear) What could it be?
(then the speared vampire got PO'ed and had a new idea. He pointed to a rock)
Zephon: Aha! It's a rock! That's the charade!
(then the speared vampire gave a thumbs up and Zephon handed him the rock)
Zephon: What'cha gonna do with the rock?
(then the speared vampire chucked the rock and it hit Zephon then the speared
vampire died)
Zephon: Ow! Hey, what next?
(no movement)
Zephon: What next?
(still no movement)
Zephon: Okay, you're not even listening! Now you're just being rude. Fine, I'll go
somewhere else!
(then Zephon left. Zephon kept wondering around until he found Kain atop a mountain.
Kain was sitting cross-legged with his eyes closed)
Zephon: Kain! What'cha doing?
Kain: I'm meditating my promising loving son.
Zephon; Well, we need you.
Kain: Okay. I just got done meditating, trying to lose my evil side and have my good
side come shining through like a lovely rainbow after a soothing rain.
Zephon: Yeah. Hippy.
(then Zephon led Kain back to the Pillars)
Raziel: Kain! We've got an offer for you!
Kain: For me!? Yay!
Raziel: It's something wonderfully fantastically good to Kain.
Kain: Yay! Something wonderfully fantastically good for Kain! (then Kain was jumping
around so happily)
Raziel: You like children right?
Kain: Yippee! Children are so cute and fuzzy and seeing their smiles brings a warm,
fuzzy feeling inside! Just like butterflies and rainbows!
Dumah: Yes, that's nice. Gay idiot.
Kain: What was that, Nosgoth's strongest vampire alive with muscles like steel?
Dumah: Aw, I can't stay mad at you!
(then they hug)
Rahab: (mockingly to Dumah) Now who's the gay one?
Dumah: Screw you!
Raziel: Good one Rahab.
Kain: I love kids! They are SO beautiful! Pink is a pretty color.
Zephon: Haha.
Raziel: Do you want to host your own kids' show?
Kain: (then Kain squealed in delight and started bouncing around excited) Yay! I
WOULD LOVE TO! YAY! (then Kain pranced around then while clapping his hands)
Raziel: We would love you to as well.
Moebius: Yay, this is gonna be fun! Go get 'em Big Daddy Kainy!
[The scene is now the set of Kain's kids' show. The lieutenants, plus Moebius and Umah, were in the audience watching. The set was basically a wooden house with a chair and various other items. Kain then skipped onto the scene wearing the stupid looking clothes that has future self was wearing in chapter 6. There were, of course, children in the audience]
Kain: (super-preppy) Hey boys and girls! We are going to have mountains of fun in my
house! (then Kain started tap-dancing) Who knows, maybe you gentle kids can dance
better than me!
(then Kain went to his chair and drew eyes and a mouth on the chair)
Kain: Hey kids, meet my partner Chairy! (then Kain hopped up and down and clapped)
Kain (using a slow-pitched voice): Hey kids, I'm Chairy! Welcome to my show.
Kain: Your show? Oh Chairy, you have to learn to share!
Kain using Chairy voice: But why share? Share is for ninnies!
Kain: (shocked) No it isn't Chairy! Sharing is what binds us together in love!
Kain using Chairy voice: What's love? Us chairs don't know much about love.
Kain: Aw, poor Chairy, he doesn't know about love. Well, I'll teach you. (to the
audience) Do you kids want to help us teach Chairy about love?
Kids in audience: Yes!
Zephon: Woohoo!
Kain: Yay! Love is beautiful. Like dolphins and rainbows and butterflies. Those are a few
of my favorite things!
Kain with Chairy voice: I'm glad you're here to teach me about love.
Turel: Sing a song about love!
Kain: Good idea my musically genius son! Someone get me a banjo!
(so Dumah threw a banjo at Kain, hitting Kain)
Kain: (to Dumah) You accidentally hit me!
Kain using Chairy voice: Sing for me.
Kain: Not now. We'll save that for the end.
Kain using Chairy voice: Introduce your assistant.
Kain: Good idea my lovable chair! Here's my assistants: Mabes and Janos.
(so then Mabes and Janos come hopping out from off-stage)
Mabes: Kain and Chairy!
Janos: Chairy and...Kain!?
Kain: It's Mabes and the luscious young vampire Janos! Clap for them people!
Dumah: (he and the others are in the audience) You know, if I was a woman and I saw
Mabes, then it'd turn into a lesbian.
Umah: Luscious Janos?
Melchiah: Ah, it's so beautiful seeing Kain's warm side.
(back on the show)
Kain: Hey peoples, Chairy doesn't know about love!
Kain using Chairy voice: We chairs don't have mates. We just have Lazzyboy.
Janos: Aw, that's so sad.
Mabes: SAD! SAD BAD! SAD BAD RHYMES! TEEHEE!
Kain: Let's cheer Chairy up! Let's talk about some of our favorite things!
Janos: Yes, lets.
Kain: Well, there's raindrops and roses and roses on kittens, rainbows and dolphins and
butterflies, midgets and sunshine and fuzzy warm mittens, those are a few of my
favorite things!
Turel: (in audience) Boo! Your singing sucks!
Kain: Was that I negative comment!
Janos: Come on Kain, let's turn that frown upside-down!
Mabes: YAY! LET'S BE HAPPY! HAPPY LET'S BE! YAY!
Kain: I love the color pink. And trees.
Kain using Chairy voice: I love cotton and wool and my fuzzy coushins, smiles and joy
and being gay!
Dumah: (choking on his drink) Did he say gay!?
Raziel: He means gay as in happy. Oh, and gays are people too!
Dumah: Yeah, but you must remember, I'm a mean vampire who only likes myself.
Raziel: That's true.
(back on the set)
Kain: Gee, it sure is swell seeing so many smiling faces!
Janos: Aw, that's awfully kind of you.
Mabes: WHAT ABOUT ME! WHAT ABOUT ME!
Kain: You're perty.
Mabes: (jumping up and down excited) YAY! I'M PERTY! I'M PERTY!
(in the audience)
Dumah: And no one sees a problem with a woman like that jumping up and down? I
love cable television. Isn't that what this is?
Rahab: Yes it is, my hormonally charged brother.
(back on the set)
Kain: What do you fine young vampires wanna do today?
Janos: A treasure hunt!
Mabes: TREASURE HUNT! TREASURE HUNT! YAY YAY!
Kain: I wanna be a pirate! Arghh!
Janos: Yes, a pirate!
Mabes: And I can be the one that steals the booty!
(in the audience)
Dumah: (choking again)
Rahab: You okay?
Dumah: Yeah, I'm okay. I'm absolutely fine.
Zephon: Well, I think Mabes is hot.
Dumah: She's mine!
(back on the set)
Kain: (wearing a pirate bandana, a very low cut shirt, an eye patch, and a piece of
wood) Arghh! Me a pirate!
Janos: (throwing his arms in the air) Ahh! Someone help me!
Kain: Where's my booty?
Janos: I thought it was behind you.
Kain: No! Someone snatched by booty right behind my back!
Janos: But I work with you! Why would I grab your booty?
Kain: Because you liked what was inside! You knew there were gold coins in my booty!
(then Mabes appeared dressed as a parrot)
Mabes: ME, ULTRA LARGE PARROT WOMAN, SNATCHED YOUR BOOTY. AND ME IS
GONNA USE ITS CONTENTS BEFORE YOU CAN SAVE YOUR BOOTY! TEEHEEHEE!
(back in the audience)
Dumah: Okay, I don't think any of that needs my input.
Raziel: (rolls eyes)
Zephon: This is getting suspenseful.
Moebius: Yes, but I already know the outcome.
(back on stage)
Mabes: ARGHH ARGHH ARGHH! (Mabes tied up Kain and Janos)
Janos: Who can save us now?
Kain: I believe I know the answer! Me best mate Chairy!
(then Chairy was pushed on-stage, and Chairy had a bandana stapled on it and it still
had the drawn-on eyes and mouth)
Kain using Chairy voice: I'll save you Kain and Janos!
Kain: Hurry hurry! I'm so scared I might wet myself! Someone help!
Janos: Yes, help us Chairy! You're our last hope!
(then someone off-stage pushes Chairy forward and it bumped into Mabes, who
stumbled and fell back on the chair)
Kain using Chairy voice: Arghh haha! I've got you now!
Mabes: I AM TRAPPED! TRAPPED I AM! OH NO!
Kain: Quickly Chairy, defeat her!
Kain using Chairy voice: You will walk the plank!
Mabes: NO NO! WILL YOU BE NICE TO ME IF I TURN GOOD? IF I TURN GOOD, BE
NICE TO ME WILL YOU?
Kain using Chairy voice: Sure.
(so Mabes gets up and unties Kain and Janos)
Kain: There.
Mabes: I'M ON YOUR SIDE! YOUR SIDE I'M ON!
Janos: Now we're all friends! Isn't this lovely!?
Kain: Now, do you know WHY you saved us Chairy?
Kain using Chairy voice: Um, the thought of life without you three fine people was oo
much to bear because I have some strange warm feelings for you three.
Kain: That strange warm feeling is love.
Kain using Chairy voice: That's love? Then chairs are capable of love! I love you
vampires!
Janos: And we love you.
Kain: So kids, what have we learned today? We've learned that love can save lives!
Mabes: WHAT ABOUT THE SONG! THE SONG, WHAT ABOUT IT!?
Janos: Oh yes, we almost forgot!
Kain: (singing and playing the banjo) Now it's time for so long
But we'll sing just one more song!
Thanks for doing your part
You sure are smart!
You know, with me and you
And my chair Chairy
We can do anything
That we wanna do!
Janos: So long!
Mabes: BYE-BYE!
Kain: Toodley-pipsky!
Kain using Chairy voice: Until next time...
Kain, Janos, Mabes: Bye!
(then the words "The End" appeared and the audience clapped and applauded)
[The scene was then the Pillars again, and the lieutenants, Moebius, Umah, Kain, and Janos were there]
Kain: So you kind lovable scraps, how'd you like my show?
Rahab: That was cute...albeit strange.
Dumah: Well, put bluntly, it was stupid.
Janos: Hey, shut up!
Kain: Janos! Calm down! Everyone's entitled to their own opinions and I respect that.
Dumah: (to Kain) Shut up wussy!
Kain: Things are getting to intense. I know what to do! (then Kain runs off)
Raziel: Dumah, why do you have to be so mean?
Dumah: It's fun!
Janos: No it isn't!
Dumah: Yes it is! Watch!
(then Dumah gets out a banana pudding)
Dumah: Hey Zephon.
Zephon: (seeing the banana pudding) Banana pudding! Yum!
Dumah: Fetch!
(then Dumah throws it in Rahab's swimming pool and Zephon dives in after it)
Zephon: (while in the water) Got it! Yay, I love pudding! It's yu-IT BURNS!!
Dumah: Hahahaha! See, I told you being mean is fun!
Turel: I so can't wait till someone kicks your butt Dumah.
Janos: Yes, you are cruel.
Dumah: (to Janos) Shut up, you gaybo!
Raziel: ?
Rahab: ?
Zephon: ? (then:) IT BURNS!! I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS WATER!!
Turel: ?
Moebius: ?
Janos: What's a gaybo?
Dumah: You are a gaybo! Haha!
Umah: If you're gonna insult someone, at least say a real word.
Dumah: Hey, why am I considered the bad guy! I'm a little angel!
Melchiah: AHAHAHAHAHA!
Dumah: Shut up you gaybo!
(then everyone started fighting and yelling each other except Zephon who just got out
of the pool and ate his pudding. Everyone stopped fighting when they saw Kain walk in
wearing blue mittens with butterflies on then, a pink and white polka- dotted apron, and
a white fluffy chef's hat)
Kain: Who wants cookies?
Everyone: ME!!
(then they all rushed to Kain and were eating the cookies he made)
Kain: I love you guys! Oh, and Zephon, I was told to give you this.
(Kain hands Zephon a chocolate pudding)
Zephon: OH YUMMY! (he starts eating it) Oh yummy yummy yummy!
Kain: And who wants early Christmas presents?
Raziel: Oh my lord, I love Kain now!
Dumah: Me too!
Kain: I'll be right back. Let me get the presents!
(then Kain left again)
Melchiah: I think we should leave Kain on medication.
Turel: Yeah.
Moebius: Yeah, when he's medicated, he likes me!
Raziel: Then that medication must be some powerful stuff.
Moebius: Yeah cause nobody likes me!
(then Kain walked in dressed as Santa Clause. He even had a bag of presents)
Kain: Hohoho!
Melchiah: (uber-excited) IT'S SANTS CLAUSE!! SANTA CAME EARLY!! I LOVE SANTA!!
Umah: (to Raziel) He doesn't know that Santa's not real, does he?
Raziel: Nope.
Kain: Hohoho! Merry Christmas!
Turel: Give us presents!
Kain: Okay.
(Kain hands Dumah a box. The box has holes in it)
Dumah: What is it?
(Dumah opens the box to find...a maiming bird!)
Dumah: A MAIMING BIRD! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE! I HAVE A MAIMING BIRD!
(then the maiming bird flew off so it could maim something and Dumah followed it)
Raziel: That probably wasn't a good idea. (then Kain hands Raziel a present) What's
inside of this? (he opens it to find a Dumah plushy)
Kain: I know how much so dislike Dumah so I got you a Dumah voodoo doll.
Raziel: (eyes light up) YAY!!
Kain: Ahh, Turel and Melchiah.
Turel and Melchiah: What do we get! What do we get!
Kain: You get...gyahh! Gyahhhhhh! Eechie! Grahhhhhh! (then the medication wore off)
Melchiah: (to Turel) What did that just mean?
Turel: (to Melchiah) Don't know.
Kain: Let's get back to business. No, I got you 2 this.
(Then Kain reaches into an empty bag and pulls his fist out)
Kain: This is called a fist. (then he bops Turel) An excellent gift. (then he bops
Melchiah's head, which then falls off)
Turel: Ow!
Kain: Hahahahahahahaha!! Now to give Rahab and Zephon their gifts!
(then Kain locates Zephon and Rahab)
Rahab: Hey Kain! What did you get us?
Kain: Rahab, you get a book.
(he gives Rahab a book entitled "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare)
Kain: Now you can talk like those people. In other words, you're talking total crap that
no one understands except other lonely geeks.
Rahab: (unsure) Um...thanks?
Kain: Wait! It's dark in here! Let me light this place up.
(then he Immolates the book)
Rahab: Kain!!
Kain: Oops, I burned the last copy. So sad.
Rahab: Zephon, run. His medication has worn off.
(then Rahab ran away)
Zephon: Oh, please don't hurt me!
Kain: Oh don't worry, I would never hurt you! You like pudding, right?
Zephon: (terrified) Uh-huh...
Kain: That's good to know.
(Kain pulls out some banana pudding)
Kain: You want it?
Zephon: Yeah!
Kain: Fetch!
(then Kain threw the pudding at Umah)
Zephon: Pudding!
(Kain walked over to Janos, happy to hear the sound of Zephon getting beat up)
Kain: Hey Janos.
Janos: Hey Santa Kain!
Kain: Yes...anyway, I got you a gift as well.
Janos: Really!? What is it?
Kain: Janos, Janos, Janos. You truly ARE the mother they never had. I just want you to
know that.
Janos: Um...thanks?
Kain: You're welcome.
(Kain really hates Janos. Especially since Janos is a goody-goody. That's why he put
Janos' name down on the sex-change list at the local hospital. Then Kain got to
Moebius)
Kain: Oh, hey, it's condom-face!
Moebius: I can see the future. You're medication has worn off, you're mad, and you're
about to punch me.
Kain: That's right. (Kian punches him)
Moebius: Ow! You're about to punch me three times while I stand here in pain.
Kain: Correct again!
(so then Kain punched Moebius 3 more times, knocking Moebius unconscious. The Kain
walked off and found the calender. It was almost Christmas.)
Kain: Hahahahaa! Time to celebrate the holiday...(Kain then grinned his evil grin
and laughed his evil laugh...)
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Got this one done finally! I love having a good excuse for making Kain incredibly out of character. Well, make sure you review!
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[The scene was the Pillars and the lieutenants, plus Moebius and Umah, were discussing what kind of revenge to exact of Kain since he was once again on his medication]
Raziel: Okay, we are here to discuss revenge against Kain! Any suggestions?
Turel: I suggest we take him to a Star Trek convention and tell people that he is a
retarded borg!
Melchiah: I think-
Dumah: No one cares about you Melchiah! I say we take him to a meat processing
factory, put him in it, and let him get chopped up where I will BEAT WHAT'S LEFT OF
HIM INTO A BLOODY PULP! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
(they all just stare at him)
Dumah: Geeheehee.
Raziel: ...how about NOT Dumah?
Dumah: Aw, you're no fun!
Rahab: I like Turel's suggestion.
Dumah: (to Rahab) No one likes you either NERD! We should take him to an Ozzy
Osbourne concert and see if we can get Ozzy to bite his head off! Mwahahahahaha!
Raziel: (annoyed sigh) Jesus christ Dumah, just shut up.
Moebius: I say we take Big Daddy Kainy and exploit his secrets about his mother
thinking he was a girl, you foo's.
Dumah: It's "fools", not "foo's" you retarded monkey!
Moebius: Not when you're a white rapper you homophobe.
Dumah: What?
Raziel: Moebius, shut up.
Dumah: Gahahahahaha!
Raziel: (to Dumah) You shut up too, you freak!
Umah: I say we take him swimming.
Raziel: Nah, we can do that anytime. We need to do something that we could only get
away with when he's medicated.
Moebius: Hey Hum Daddy Razzy, how about we put him on television?
Raziel: Hum Daddy Razzy? I like it! That's a good idea Moe.
Moebius: Hum Daddy Razzy nicknamed me! Moe! I love that!
Raziel: But I've got the ultimate idea! We let him host his own kids' show!
Umah: Brilliant! You've definitely got some of your evil father in you.
Raziel: Thanks. I think.
Moebius: You hip Hum Daddy Razzy!
Dumah: Hey Moe, do I get a name?
Moebius: Of course Hermaphroditey Dumey.
Dumah: Don't call me Hermaphroditey Dumey!
Turel: Where is Kain anyway? It's not safe to unleash a medicated Kain.
Umah: He's out trying to solve world-hunger.
Dumah: Yeah, if I did that, I would solve world-hunger and tell no one that I did!
Raziel: You really are a pain Dumah, you know that right?
Dumah: Yep. And I'm proud of it!
Raziel: Kain will host his own kids' show. This is gonna be great! Hahahaha!
(so Zephon was made to go fetch Kain. But Zephon got lost by the time he got to
Ushte-something, he saw a sarafan impale a vampire and the sarafan ran away.
Zephon ran up to the speared vampire)
Speared Vampire: (pointing to the spear that he was impaled on)
Zephon: (confused, but then understood what was going on) CHARADES! Yay!
Speared Vampire: (rolls eyes) No you idiot, get this spear out of me!
Zephon: Wait! You can't talk during charades!
Speared Vampire: This isn't charades you retard!
Zephon: You pointed one finger at me so this charade involves 1 word.
Speared Vampire: (annoyed sigh) What an idiot.
Zephon: Aha! 1 word! (sees the vampire point toward the spear) What could it be?
(then the speared vampire got PO'ed and had a new idea. He pointed to a rock)
Zephon: Aha! It's a rock! That's the charade!
(then the speared vampire gave a thumbs up and Zephon handed him the rock)
Zephon: What'cha gonna do with the rock?
(then the speared vampire chucked the rock and it hit Zephon then the speared
vampire died)
Zephon: Ow! Hey, what next?
(no movement)
Zephon: What next?
(still no movement)
Zephon: Okay, you're not even listening! Now you're just being rude. Fine, I'll go
somewhere else!
(then Zephon left. Zephon kept wondering around until he found Kain atop a mountain.
Kain was sitting cross-legged with his eyes closed)
Zephon: Kain! What'cha doing?
Kain: I'm meditating my promising loving son.
Zephon; Well, we need you.
Kain: Okay. I just got done meditating, trying to lose my evil side and have my good
side come shining through like a lovely rainbow after a soothing rain.
Zephon: Yeah. Hippy.
(then Zephon led Kain back to the Pillars)
Raziel: Kain! We've got an offer for you!
Kain: For me!? Yay!
Raziel: It's something wonderfully fantastically good to Kain.
Kain: Yay! Something wonderfully fantastically good for Kain! (then Kain was jumping
around so happily)
Raziel: You like children right?
Kain: Yippee! Children are so cute and fuzzy and seeing their smiles brings a warm,
fuzzy feeling inside! Just like butterflies and rainbows!
Dumah: Yes, that's nice. Gay idiot.
Kain: What was that, Nosgoth's strongest vampire alive with muscles like steel?
Dumah: Aw, I can't stay mad at you!
(then they hug)
Rahab: (mockingly to Dumah) Now who's the gay one?
Dumah: Screw you!
Raziel: Good one Rahab.
Kain: I love kids! They are SO beautiful! Pink is a pretty color.
Zephon: Haha.
Raziel: Do you want to host your own kids' show?
Kain: (then Kain squealed in delight and started bouncing around excited) Yay! I
WOULD LOVE TO! YAY! (then Kain pranced around then while clapping his hands)
Raziel: We would love you to as well.
Moebius: Yay, this is gonna be fun! Go get 'em Big Daddy Kainy!
[The scene is now the set of Kain's kids' show. The lieutenants, plus Moebius and Umah, were in the audience watching. The set was basically a wooden house with a chair and various other items. Kain then skipped onto the scene wearing the stupid looking clothes that has future self was wearing in chapter 6. There were, of course, children in the audience]
Kain: (super-preppy) Hey boys and girls! We are going to have mountains of fun in my
house! (then Kain started tap-dancing) Who knows, maybe you gentle kids can dance
better than me!
(then Kain went to his chair and drew eyes and a mouth on the chair)
Kain: Hey kids, meet my partner Chairy! (then Kain hopped up and down and clapped)
Kain (using a slow-pitched voice): Hey kids, I'm Chairy! Welcome to my show.
Kain: Your show? Oh Chairy, you have to learn to share!
Kain using Chairy voice: But why share? Share is for ninnies!
Kain: (shocked) No it isn't Chairy! Sharing is what binds us together in love!
Kain using Chairy voice: What's love? Us chairs don't know much about love.
Kain: Aw, poor Chairy, he doesn't know about love. Well, I'll teach you. (to the
audience) Do you kids want to help us teach Chairy about love?
Kids in audience: Yes!
Zephon: Woohoo!
Kain: Yay! Love is beautiful. Like dolphins and rainbows and butterflies. Those are a few
of my favorite things!
Kain with Chairy voice: I'm glad you're here to teach me about love.
Turel: Sing a song about love!
Kain: Good idea my musically genius son! Someone get me a banjo!
(so Dumah threw a banjo at Kain, hitting Kain)
Kain: (to Dumah) You accidentally hit me!
Kain using Chairy voice: Sing for me.
Kain: Not now. We'll save that for the end.
Kain using Chairy voice: Introduce your assistant.
Kain: Good idea my lovable chair! Here's my assistants: Mabes and Janos.
(so then Mabes and Janos come hopping out from off-stage)
Mabes: Kain and Chairy!
Janos: Chairy and...Kain!?
Kain: It's Mabes and the luscious young vampire Janos! Clap for them people!
Dumah: (he and the others are in the audience) You know, if I was a woman and I saw
Mabes, then it'd turn into a lesbian.
Umah: Luscious Janos?
Melchiah: Ah, it's so beautiful seeing Kain's warm side.
(back on the show)
Kain: Hey peoples, Chairy doesn't know about love!
Kain using Chairy voice: We chairs don't have mates. We just have Lazzyboy.
Janos: Aw, that's so sad.
Mabes: SAD! SAD BAD! SAD BAD RHYMES! TEEHEE!
Kain: Let's cheer Chairy up! Let's talk about some of our favorite things!
Janos: Yes, lets.
Kain: Well, there's raindrops and roses and roses on kittens, rainbows and dolphins and
butterflies, midgets and sunshine and fuzzy warm mittens, those are a few of my
favorite things!
Turel: (in audience) Boo! Your singing sucks!
Kain: Was that I negative comment!
Janos: Come on Kain, let's turn that frown upside-down!
Mabes: YAY! LET'S BE HAPPY! HAPPY LET'S BE! YAY!
Kain: I love the color pink. And trees.
Kain using Chairy voice: I love cotton and wool and my fuzzy coushins, smiles and joy
and being gay!
Dumah: (choking on his drink) Did he say gay!?
Raziel: He means gay as in happy. Oh, and gays are people too!
Dumah: Yeah, but you must remember, I'm a mean vampire who only likes myself.
Raziel: That's true.
(back on the set)
Kain: Gee, it sure is swell seeing so many smiling faces!
Janos: Aw, that's awfully kind of you.
Mabes: WHAT ABOUT ME! WHAT ABOUT ME!
Kain: You're perty.
Mabes: (jumping up and down excited) YAY! I'M PERTY! I'M PERTY!
(in the audience)
Dumah: And no one sees a problem with a woman like that jumping up and down? I
love cable television. Isn't that what this is?
Rahab: Yes it is, my hormonally charged brother.
(back on the set)
Kain: What do you fine young vampires wanna do today?
Janos: A treasure hunt!
Mabes: TREASURE HUNT! TREASURE HUNT! YAY YAY!
Kain: I wanna be a pirate! Arghh!
Janos: Yes, a pirate!
Mabes: And I can be the one that steals the booty!
(in the audience)
Dumah: (choking again)
Rahab: You okay?
Dumah: Yeah, I'm okay. I'm absolutely fine.
Zephon: Well, I think Mabes is hot.
Dumah: She's mine!
(back on the set)
Kain: (wearing a pirate bandana, a very low cut shirt, an eye patch, and a piece of
wood) Arghh! Me a pirate!
Janos: (throwing his arms in the air) Ahh! Someone help me!
Kain: Where's my booty?
Janos: I thought it was behind you.
Kain: No! Someone snatched by booty right behind my back!
Janos: But I work with you! Why would I grab your booty?
Kain: Because you liked what was inside! You knew there were gold coins in my booty!
(then Mabes appeared dressed as a parrot)
Mabes: ME, ULTRA LARGE PARROT WOMAN, SNATCHED YOUR BOOTY. AND ME IS
GONNA USE ITS CONTENTS BEFORE YOU CAN SAVE YOUR BOOTY! TEEHEEHEE!
(back in the audience)
Dumah: Okay, I don't think any of that needs my input.
Raziel: (rolls eyes)
Zephon: This is getting suspenseful.
Moebius: Yes, but I already know the outcome.
(back on stage)
Mabes: ARGHH ARGHH ARGHH! (Mabes tied up Kain and Janos)
Janos: Who can save us now?
Kain: I believe I know the answer! Me best mate Chairy!
(then Chairy was pushed on-stage, and Chairy had a bandana stapled on it and it still
had the drawn-on eyes and mouth)
Kain using Chairy voice: I'll save you Kain and Janos!
Kain: Hurry hurry! I'm so scared I might wet myself! Someone help!
Janos: Yes, help us Chairy! You're our last hope!
(then someone off-stage pushes Chairy forward and it bumped into Mabes, who
stumbled and fell back on the chair)
Kain using Chairy voice: Arghh haha! I've got you now!
Mabes: I AM TRAPPED! TRAPPED I AM! OH NO!
Kain: Quickly Chairy, defeat her!
Kain using Chairy voice: You will walk the plank!
Mabes: NO NO! WILL YOU BE NICE TO ME IF I TURN GOOD? IF I TURN GOOD, BE
NICE TO ME WILL YOU?
Kain using Chairy voice: Sure.
(so Mabes gets up and unties Kain and Janos)
Kain: There.
Mabes: I'M ON YOUR SIDE! YOUR SIDE I'M ON!
Janos: Now we're all friends! Isn't this lovely!?
Kain: Now, do you know WHY you saved us Chairy?
Kain using Chairy voice: Um, the thought of life without you three fine people was oo
much to bear because I have some strange warm feelings for you three.
Kain: That strange warm feeling is love.
Kain using Chairy voice: That's love? Then chairs are capable of love! I love you
vampires!
Janos: And we love you.
Kain: So kids, what have we learned today? We've learned that love can save lives!
Mabes: WHAT ABOUT THE SONG! THE SONG, WHAT ABOUT IT!?
Janos: Oh yes, we almost forgot!
Kain: (singing and playing the banjo) Now it's time for so long
But we'll sing just one more song!
Thanks for doing your part
You sure are smart!
You know, with me and you
And my chair Chairy
We can do anything
That we wanna do!
Janos: So long!
Mabes: BYE-BYE!
Kain: Toodley-pipsky!
Kain using Chairy voice: Until next time...
Kain, Janos, Mabes: Bye!
(then the words "The End" appeared and the audience clapped and applauded)
[The scene was then the Pillars again, and the lieutenants, Moebius, Umah, Kain, and Janos were there]
Kain: So you kind lovable scraps, how'd you like my show?
Rahab: That was cute...albeit strange.
Dumah: Well, put bluntly, it was stupid.
Janos: Hey, shut up!
Kain: Janos! Calm down! Everyone's entitled to their own opinions and I respect that.
Dumah: (to Kain) Shut up wussy!
Kain: Things are getting to intense. I know what to do! (then Kain runs off)
Raziel: Dumah, why do you have to be so mean?
Dumah: It's fun!
Janos: No it isn't!
Dumah: Yes it is! Watch!
(then Dumah gets out a banana pudding)
Dumah: Hey Zephon.
Zephon: (seeing the banana pudding) Banana pudding! Yum!
Dumah: Fetch!
(then Dumah throws it in Rahab's swimming pool and Zephon dives in after it)
Zephon: (while in the water) Got it! Yay, I love pudding! It's yu-IT BURNS!!
Dumah: Hahahaha! See, I told you being mean is fun!
Turel: I so can't wait till someone kicks your butt Dumah.
Janos: Yes, you are cruel.
Dumah: (to Janos) Shut up, you gaybo!
Raziel: ?
Rahab: ?
Zephon: ? (then:) IT BURNS!! I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS WATER!!
Turel: ?
Moebius: ?
Janos: What's a gaybo?
Dumah: You are a gaybo! Haha!
Umah: If you're gonna insult someone, at least say a real word.
Dumah: Hey, why am I considered the bad guy! I'm a little angel!
Melchiah: AHAHAHAHAHA!
Dumah: Shut up you gaybo!
(then everyone started fighting and yelling each other except Zephon who just got out
of the pool and ate his pudding. Everyone stopped fighting when they saw Kain walk in
wearing blue mittens with butterflies on then, a pink and white polka- dotted apron, and
a white fluffy chef's hat)
Kain: Who wants cookies?
Everyone: ME!!
(then they all rushed to Kain and were eating the cookies he made)
Kain: I love you guys! Oh, and Zephon, I was told to give you this.
(Kain hands Zephon a chocolate pudding)
Zephon: OH YUMMY! (he starts eating it) Oh yummy yummy yummy!
Kain: And who wants early Christmas presents?
Raziel: Oh my lord, I love Kain now!
Dumah: Me too!
Kain: I'll be right back. Let me get the presents!
(then Kain left again)
Melchiah: I think we should leave Kain on medication.
Turel: Yeah.
Moebius: Yeah, when he's medicated, he likes me!
Raziel: Then that medication must be some powerful stuff.
Moebius: Yeah cause nobody likes me!
(then Kain walked in dressed as Santa Clause. He even had a bag of presents)
Kain: Hohoho!
Melchiah: (uber-excited) IT'S SANTS CLAUSE!! SANTA CAME EARLY!! I LOVE SANTA!!
Umah: (to Raziel) He doesn't know that Santa's not real, does he?
Raziel: Nope.
Kain: Hohoho! Merry Christmas!
Turel: Give us presents!
Kain: Okay.
(Kain hands Dumah a box. The box has holes in it)
Dumah: What is it?
(Dumah opens the box to find...a maiming bird!)
Dumah: A MAIMING BIRD! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE! I HAVE A MAIMING BIRD!
(then the maiming bird flew off so it could maim something and Dumah followed it)
Raziel: That probably wasn't a good idea. (then Kain hands Raziel a present) What's
inside of this? (he opens it to find a Dumah plushy)
Kain: I know how much so dislike Dumah so I got you a Dumah voodoo doll.
Raziel: (eyes light up) YAY!!
Kain: Ahh, Turel and Melchiah.
Turel and Melchiah: What do we get! What do we get!
Kain: You get...gyahh! Gyahhhhhh! Eechie! Grahhhhhh! (then the medication wore off)
Melchiah: (to Turel) What did that just mean?
Turel: (to Melchiah) Don't know.
Kain: Let's get back to business. No, I got you 2 this.
(Then Kain reaches into an empty bag and pulls his fist out)
Kain: This is called a fist. (then he bops Turel) An excellent gift. (then he bops
Melchiah's head, which then falls off)
Turel: Ow!
Kain: Hahahahahahahaha!! Now to give Rahab and Zephon their gifts!
(then Kain locates Zephon and Rahab)
Rahab: Hey Kain! What did you get us?
Kain: Rahab, you get a book.
(he gives Rahab a book entitled "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare)
Kain: Now you can talk like those people. In other words, you're talking total crap that
no one understands except other lonely geeks.
Rahab: (unsure) Um...thanks?
Kain: Wait! It's dark in here! Let me light this place up.
(then he Immolates the book)
Rahab: Kain!!
Kain: Oops, I burned the last copy. So sad.
Rahab: Zephon, run. His medication has worn off.
(then Rahab ran away)
Zephon: Oh, please don't hurt me!
Kain: Oh don't worry, I would never hurt you! You like pudding, right?
Zephon: (terrified) Uh-huh...
Kain: That's good to know.
(Kain pulls out some banana pudding)
Kain: You want it?
Zephon: Yeah!
Kain: Fetch!
(then Kain threw the pudding at Umah)
Zephon: Pudding!
(Kain walked over to Janos, happy to hear the sound of Zephon getting beat up)
Kain: Hey Janos.
Janos: Hey Santa Kain!
Kain: Yes...anyway, I got you a gift as well.
Janos: Really!? What is it?
Kain: Janos, Janos, Janos. You truly ARE the mother they never had. I just want you to
know that.
Janos: Um...thanks?
Kain: You're welcome.
(Kain really hates Janos. Especially since Janos is a goody-goody. That's why he put
Janos' name down on the sex-change list at the local hospital. Then Kain got to
Moebius)
Kain: Oh, hey, it's condom-face!
Moebius: I can see the future. You're medication has worn off, you're mad, and you're
about to punch me.
Kain: That's right. (Kian punches him)
Moebius: Ow! You're about to punch me three times while I stand here in pain.
Kain: Correct again!
(so then Kain punched Moebius 3 more times, knocking Moebius unconscious. The Kain
walked off and found the calender. It was almost Christmas.)
Kain: Hahahahaa! Time to celebrate the holiday...(Kain then grinned his evil grin
and laughed his evil laugh...)
______________________________________________________________
Got this one done finally! I love having a good excuse for making Kain incredibly out of character. Well, make sure you review!