Disclaimer: Don't own anyone or anyone
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A/N: I accidentally made this fic way longer than planned, so read when you have the time.
[The setting was the Pillars, but it was decorated with the usual Christmas decorations: Dead sarafan reafs, dead people painted green and red and any other holiday color, blood with red food coloring, and even a Christmas tree that Dumah stole from Moebius' house. The lieutenants had just gathered together to sing a Christmas song while the others were out]
Zephon: (to Turel) How come YOU always get to sing the song?
Turel: Because I won on that show "Nosgoth Idol."
Raziel: Enough fussing!
Dumah: Yeah, or I'll beat the crap outta both of you! Hey, keep fighting please.
Rahab: Are we just gonna make the song up as we go?
Melchiah: Well, we do that every year, why break a tradition?
Raziel: I agree.
Melchiah: But what if Kain comes in?
Turel: Who cares?
Dumah: Yeah, I'll just blame this all on Razzyboy and we'll be off the hook.
Raziel: (to Dumah) I hate you. AND DON'T CALL ME RAZZYBOY!!
Turel: Ahem. (singing voice) (holding a mirror up to himself) On the first day of
Christmas, I got resurrected with THIS really handsome face!
On the second day of Christmas I gave to meeee
Raziel and Rahab: 2 really dead sarafan!
Turel: And my awesome looking face!!
On the third
day of Christmas-(then Dumah broke his mirror)
THAT BASTARD DUMAH BROKE MY MIRROR!!
Raziel and Rahab: 2 juicy sarafan!
Melchiah: And the pretty boys' pretty boy face!
Turel: (while beating up Dumah) On the fourth day of Christmas I gave to meeeee
Melchiah: (his limbs fell off) My four limbs!!
Turel: Idiot broke my mirror!!
Raziel and Rahab: Two very dead sarafan!!
Dumah: And the pretty boys' gay looking face!!
Turel: On the fifth day of Christmas I stoooole
FIVE OF VORADORS' RINGS!! (then Vorador appeared)
Melchiah: Four o' my limbs
Zephon: Idiot broke gay faces' mirror
Raziel and Rahab: Two maimed sarafan
Turel: And my awesome looking face!!
On the sixth day of Christmas-(Kain came in, saw them caroling, and Immolated Turel)
Zephon: Kain gave Turel six burn marks!! FIVE OF VORADOR'S RINGS, four o'
Melchiah's limbs-(he sees everyone starring at him)
Kain: Stupid singers!
Zephon: Hey! I sing good!
Kain: Yeah right! I bet I can sing better.
Zephon: Oh yeah!? (Zephon gave Kain a microphone) Why don't you put your mouth
where your...mouth is!
Kain: You are such a retard! Christmas is stupid!
Raziel: How can you think that? Do you know what Christmas is about?
Kain: Yeah. Getting presents.
Raziel: No! It's actually about something deeper.
Kain: (irritated sigh) Don't go all Charlie Brown Christmas special on me.
Melchiah: Oh yeah, I forgot all about the Charlie Brown Christmas special! I wonder if
it's still on!
Turel: I burn...
Dumah: Hey, Turel's crispy!
Turel: (to Kain) I'm surprised you don't like Christmas! You get stuff for FREE on
Christmas!
Kain: Rahab, get me something.
Rahab: What?
Kain: I don't care, anything.
(so Rahab brought him a Big Mac)
Rahab: Always, McDonalds!
Kain: (then Kain ate the Big Mac and punched Rahab) (to Turel) There, I got a Big Mac
for free.
Zephon: You've got to admit, he's got a point.
Raziel: Yeah, but the magical thing about Christmas is that you get stuff for free
without having to be violent!
Kain: But that takes all the fun out of getting stuff for free!
Dumah: How can you not like this time of year? I love it!
Turel: Yeah, even the racist, sexist, asshole Dumah likes Christmas!
Kain: I don't care!
Melchiah: Can we still sing?
Kain: Of course...outside!! GO!
Raziel: You're mean. (Razzyboy walks out)
Zephon: What's up with you? You have PMS? (then Zephon quickly ran out)
Rahab: This is illogical.
Kain: I don't care Data!
Rahab: Hey, Data's cool! (then Rahab walked out)
Dumah: Can I bring Bloodthirsty Demon with me?
Kain: Who is Bloodthirsty Demon?
Dumah: He's my maiming bird!
Kain: Fine!
(Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon leave)
Melchiah: You're trying to take all the fun out of Christmas, but I won't let you. Fool.
(then Melchiah left)
Kain: (rolls eyes) Whatever Charlie Brown.
Turel: Yeah! Well, you can't kick me out! I'm kicking myself out! Ha! (then Turel leaves)
Kain: (closes the gates) What an idiot.
[The scene is now outside in the freezing cold]
Raziel: Is a-a-a-a-anyone c-c-c-cold?
Dumah: Not really.
Turel: Well that's cause Dumah has lot of layers on fat on him to keep him warm.
Zephon: Ooh, good one.
Dumah: It's not fat!! It's muscle!!
Zephon: Yeah right. And Raziel is a man.
Rahab: Hahaha.
Raziel: I'm not a little boy, I'M A MAN!!
Rahab: It IS a little chilly. We should find a warm place.
Melchiah: I'm hungry.
Dumah: No problem. (to Bloodthirsty Demon) Hey, go get us something to eat please! I
will share my human remains with you!
(then the maiming bird flew off)
Dumah: I love that little guy.
Melchiah: Hey, Kain's got our tree in there! We need to find a new one!
Rahab: Good idea! Let's go!
Raziel: And get somewhere warm. I'm freezing my butt off.
Rahab: Do you even have one anymore? Hahaha! (then Rahab ran off)
Raziel: (to Rahab) YOU KNOW, SOMEDAY MY WINGS WILL GROW BACK, THEN I'LL FLY
AROUND AND KICK THE ASSES OF THE PEOPLE WHO PICKED ON ME!!
[Back in the Pillars, Kain settled down in his thrown, happy that he caused spite on this joyous time of the year]
Kain: That was fun.
(Kain looks around at the holiday decorations)
Kain: Well, I'll have to do something about this. I could always roast that tree over a
fire.
(Kain looks down at the tree and sees presents)
Kain: What's this? A present for me?
(then, all of a sudden, Magnus appears)
Kain: AHHHHHHHHH!! (then Kain sees it's Magnus) Oh. AHHHHHHHH!!
Magnus: KAIN!! I WAQS SENT HERE TO GIVE YOU MESSAGE!! AND I WANT MEAT!! 3
CIRCLE MEMBERS OF AGES PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE WILL STOP BY! BE
PREPARED FOR THE VISITATION!! MEAT!!
(then Magnus ran up, bit Kain's arm, then ran away)
Kain: What the hell is wrong with Magnus anyway?
Vorador: Hey Kain, could you ask Moebius if I could have my body back?
Kain: Why are you here?
Vorador: Turel stole my rings.
Kain: Oh.
Vorador: You and I are alike Kain. You hate everyone. I hate everyone. Let us form an
alliance, then we'll be unstoppable! Mwahahaha!
Kain: Forget it, I'm NOT getting you a Christmas present!
Vorador: Awww!
[Meanwhile, the lieutenants and the maiming bird found an Inn to stay in]
Dumah: Roasting chestnuts in the fire. Yummy looking.
Zephon: That is quite possibly one of the sickest things EVER!
Melchiah: Hey, since we've killed everyone here, Dumah can decorate and I can get us
a tree!
Rahab: You really like Christmas trees, don't you?
Melchiah: Yep.
Raziel: (wearing a big blue coat that covers his body and half his head and wearing a
hat that covers the rest of his head) I'll go too.
Melchiah: But you can't see!
(then Raziel ignited his Soul Reaver and cut eye holes then turned off his Reaver)
Raziel: Besides, my Reaver is perfect for cutting down Christmas trees.
Turel: What do I do?
Melchiah: Tape me the Charlie Brown Christmas special.
Dumah: Come on Bloodthirsty Demon, let's go get some more decorations, and by
getting more I mean, you maim and I finish them off!
(then Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon left)
Rahab: They are such the perfect team.
Raziel: We're off!
(then Melchiah and Raziel left)
Zephon: Who's up for a holiday drinking game!?
Rahab: Heeey, that might not be a bad idea!
Turel: Yes, but we'll need to sober up in time for opening presents.
Rahab: Okay. But how will we open our presents? They're at the Pillars.
Zephon: Do we remember what they were?
Rahab: Yes.
Zephon: Then we'll just get the presents again.
Turel: Oh, okay.
Zephon: Come, we must follow Dumah.
Rahab: Why?
Zephon: We drink each time him or Bloodthirsty Demon harms someone.
Turel: Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Rahab: Don't forget that special Melchiah wanted you to tape.
Turel: Oh yeah. Well, let's go.
[Back at the Pillars, Kain was just about to fall asleep because he was actually kind of bored since he had no one to terrorize, but then Ariel appeared]
Kain: What do you want Ariel? I'm sleepy.
Ariel: I am the Circle Member of Ages Past. I shall show you your past.
Kain: (rolls eyes) Very clever. What good will that do? I already know my past.
Ariel: Yes, but you shall see. Grab my hand.
(Kain grabs her hand and she flies up, holding onto Kain. She heads towards the
ceiling, still holding Kain)
Kain: (while ascending to the ceiling) Ariel! Ceiling! You no solid you go through, I solid
so my head goes 'bonk' when I hit the ceiling!
(then Ariel floated through the ceiling, but, as Kain said, his head went 'bonk' and he
fell all the way to the floor. When Ariel saw this she went back down to get him)
Ariel: What happened?
Kain: (aggravated) I NO GO THROUGH SOLID STUFF!!
Ariel: Oh yeah...follow me then.
(so Kain followed Ariel as the went outside)
Ariel: Now grab onto my hand.
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh goody, you gonna give me pixie dust so I can fly?
Ariel: No. But if a drop you you will die.
Kain: Please tell me that you lie.
Ariel: I no lie. If I drop you, you'll surely die. That was a good set of rhymes. Now let's
go!
[So Ariel holds onto Kain and they fly and getting teleported to the past when young Kain was still in school]
Kain: (seeing himself) It's me when I was in school! I HATE SCHOOL! Especially Math!
Young Kain: I hate school! Especially Math!
Kain: (amazed) Did he just hear me?
Ariel: No you idiot! No one can see or hear us! Don't you watch movies?
Kain: No.
Young Kain: I love Christmas. Christmas was a time of love and care and a time of
giving, NOT receiving! Christmas is all about love and family.
Kain: (disgusted) Oh please, haunt me no longer Circle Member! I was a total dork
then! Ariel: We're not done yet. You still have more pain to go through.
Kain: I hate you Ariel.
[So Ariel led him to when he was older and was at a tavern]
Human Kain: No drink for a weary traveler.
Bartender: No. Go away!
(so Human Kain was kicked out)
Kain: I still have yet to find that bartender and totally kick his-
Ariel: So are you sad?
Kain: No! And nothing you can do can make me sad!
[So Ariel led him to when he killed Umah]
BO2 Kain: (kills Umah) Now you're dead.
(tries to get her gift but fails)
BO2 Kain: Umah!! You left your gift at home!! That was the only reason I killed you! Aw
crap! I'll be getting pissed off about this one for a while!
Kain: Okay, now I'm pissed off!
Ariel: Later on you'll get a visit from the Circle Member of Ages Present. Be ready.
Kain: Fine!
Ariel: Oh, and one more thing.
Kain: Yes?
(so she punched him in the jaw, there was a white flash, and he was back on his throne
with an aching jaw. Meanwhile, Raziel and Melchiah were in a forest searching for a
tree)
Melchiah: I love snow!
Raziel: It's still cold!
Melchiah: Don't complain.
Raziel: (points to a tree) There's a tree!
Melchiah: No.
Raziel: (points to tree) There's a tree!
Melchiah: No.
Raziel: (points to a tree) There's a tree!
Melchiah: We aren't playing "Spot the Tree." I hate that game. We need to find a tree
with a certain aura. A certain soul. A certain radiance.
Raziel: Riiiiiiiight...
Melchiah: A tree that screams out "Find me for I am a lost lonely wonder. I am
mistaken. I am a great deserving one. I need a home."
Raziel: Are you high?
Melchiah: Certainly not. And I resent that.
(so they walk along and Melchiah finally spots the perfect tree)
Melchiah: (pointing) THERE! THERE'S THE PERFECT TREE! It screams "Beauty in the
soul."
Raziel: I bet you would make a wonderful poet.
Melchiah: Yeah, I would wouldn't I?
Raziel: (looking at the tree Melchiah pointed to) Melchiah, there's only one problem.
Melchiah: What?
Raziel: IT'S A FREAKIN' TWIG!
(sure enough, that 'tree' was a twig with a few bits of pine pointing out)
Melchiah: In its material form it looks like just a twig, but it's really the most touching,
beautiful tree ever.
Raziel: Well, we can see about that.
(so Raziel shifted into Spectral Realm and the twig turned into the most beautiful tree
ever)
Raziel: Oh my lord, Melchiah was right.
[Back at the Pillars, Kain was playing ping-pong with Vorador's head. Somehow,
Moebius' body had been snatched from Vorador is Vorador's sleep]
Kain: I love playing ping-pong against myself.
(he hit Vorador's head, teleported to the other side of the table, hit it again, teleported
to the other side of table and so on)
Kain: When did you say you first noticed it?
Vorador's head: When I got teleported here during Turel's song.
Kain: Baah! Humbug! Christmas is stupid!
Vorador's head: I wonder what I'm getting for Christmas?
Kain: Nothing from me!
(then the lights went out)
Kain: Wait, since when did I ever have lights?
(Okay then, it got so dark that Kain couldn't see. That better?)
Kain: Yep.
(Retard)
Kain: Hey!
???: I am the Circle Member of Christmas Present.
Vorador's head: Ooh, does that mean we get presents?
???: No you retard!
Vorador's head: Oh.
Kain: Turn the lights on and show yourself!
(but there are no lights remember?)
Kain: (annoyed sigh) Give me light!
(so the place lights up)
Malek: I am the Circle Member of Christmas Present!
Vorador's head: Oh no it's Malek!
Kain: Go ahead, show me the present.
Vorador's head: Me too!
Malek: No! You're a perverted freak! Come Kain!
(so Kain and Malek are teleported to a forest where Raziel and Melchiah are walking
away holding a twig)
Melchiah: What's with Kain?
Raziel: I know what's wrong with Kain. He's a jackass.
Melchiah: Oh, okay.
Kain: I hate Razzyboy. Show me more.
Malek: You ready?
(so Kain and Malek are teleported to where Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon are killing
people)
Dumah: (seeing Bloodthirsty Demon maim someone) Hahaha! Hey maiming bird, I
need to tell you something about Kain. Kain's a jackass.
Kain: HE THINKS SO TOO!? DAMN YOU DUMAH!! Oops, I mean DAMN YOU RAZIEL!
Malek: Have you noticed that nobody likes you Kain?
Kain: Send me elsewhere.
(so Kain and Malek teleport to behind a bush where Zephon, Turel, and Rahab are
playing their drinking game)
Turel: It's so fun seeing Dumah kill people!
Rahab: Yeah!
Zephon: Hey guys, I've just noticed something!
Rahab: What?
Zephon: Kain is a jackass!
Kain: AGAIN WITH THE JACKASS! I HATE THE PRESENT! AND I HATE YOU MALEK!
JUST GET ME OUTTA HERE, I'M PISSED OFF!
Malek: Right away. Just remember that the Circle Member of Ages Future will arrive.
Kain: FINE!
(so Malek popped Kain upside the Kain and Kain reappered on his throne)
Kain: (annoyed sigh) Will this nightmare ever end?
(he sees Vorador's head bobble an a porn magazine)
Kain: (annoyed sigh) You are so pathetic Vorador.
Vorador's head: I can't reach the edge of the page! Will you turn the page for me Kain?
(so Kain gets an evil idea. He picks up the magazine and puts it on a page with a naked
guy and puts it under Vorador's head so that Vorador's head has to stare at it and can't
turn the page)
Vorador's head: Hey Kain! Bad page! You accidentally put it on a bad page! Turn the
page! Kain, please turn the page! I hate you Kain!
[Meanwhile, Raziel and Rahab returned to the Inn, which looked very Christmassy (for a
vampire Christmas) and they set the twig down. A partly drunken Rahab, Zephon, and
Turel tumble in and see the twig]
Turel: Wow! I must be really drunk because that looks like a twig!
Rahab: Yeah, I see it too!
Zephon: Well I must be the mostest drunkest of you alls, because it doesn't klook like a
tweeg. It lookkkks like a banarnar puuuuuuding.
(they all stare at him)
Zephon: What? Eet does lookkks like a banarnar puuuuuuuding.
(then Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon burst in)
Dumah: (sees the twig) G'damn, I really hate you Melchiah.
Melchiah: What?
Dumah: Razzyboy, come here. I need to talk to you.
(so Raziel goes to Dumah)
Dumah: Why do you do these things to me? Why?
Raziel: It may look like just a crappy twig, but it's really beautiful.
Dumah: EVERYONE! (everyone looks at him) Melchiah has screwed up our Christmas
tree! Let's get a good one!
(then all but Raziel leaves)
Raziel: It really isn't too bad. It's really quite beautiful. Where are some lights?
[Back at the Pillars, Kain is busy using Vorador's head as a doorstop and Kain keeps
slamming the door over and over to see if his head remains a good doorstop)
Kain: This is fun!
Vorador's head: Ow! I think I'd rather be on that magazine...
Kain: (funny look) (blinking) For some reason, I'm not surprised.
(then Moebius suddenly appears! He has his head and his body back together again)
Moebius: (while waving his HUGE hands about) I am the Circle Member of Ages Future.
Kain: AHHH!! Stop waving your big-ass balloon hands around! You might smack me and
knock my head off with your huge inflated hands!
Moebius: What are you talking about? (starts waving HUGE hands again)
Kain: (trying hard to avoid the huge hands) I took you in and this is how you repay
me!? By trying to his me with your gorilla hands!?
Moebius: I don't have huge hands!!
Kain: Yes you do! You have mammoth hands!
Moebius: (devious smile) Hey, you know what they say about people with HUGE hands
right? You know what I mean?
Kain: Oh my lord, you're as pathetic as Vorador.
Moebius: Now, I shall let you look into the future.
Kain: No no no no no no no no! I HATE time travel!
Moebius: This isn't the same.
(Moebius teleports Kain to the future. Raziel sits on Kain's throne! Zephon has built a
ship called the Starship Enterprise and is the brave, intelligent captain. Dumah is an
aerobics instructor with the fake name of Richard Simmons. Rahab is the leader of a
mafia who's nickname is Salvatore Leone, Turel has started a singing career and
everyone knows him by the name Ozzy Ozbourne, and Melchiah has created a comic
strip called Peanuts. Kain, however, goes by his fake name Bill Clinton who just had an
affair with Ariel, who is known as Monica Lewensky. Right now they are at the Pillars
and Kain has crawled up to Raziel)
Future Kain: Please, Raziel, clear my name! I did not have an affair! It will ruin my
political state!
Future Raziel: No! HahahahahahahahZhahahahaha! Why was there a capital 'Z' in my
laugh?
Zephon: Help...we are...being followed by...an unidentified craft. We
may...get very...injured. Scotty!
Hash: Ay, captain?
Zephon: We really...need to do...something if...we want to...live. Get
me...Spock.
Hash: Spock, come here!
(Magnus enters)
Magnus: MEAT CAPTAIN!
Zephon: Spock!
Magnus: YES?
Zephon: Please...get me...headache medicine. Borgs are...killing...us!
Magnus: LIVE LONG AND PROSPER! MEAT! (then Magnus done that thing Spock does
with his finger then left)
Kain: Oh, please get me outta here Moebius!
Moebius: If you're not nice, this will happen!
Kain: I'm doomed. (then Kain brightens up) I have an affair with Ariel! Alright!
(then Moebius bitch-slapps him and Kain appears back at his throne in the present)
Kain: (his entire hand is red because of Moebius' huge deformed hand) I've gotta be
evil so I can have an affair!
[Back at the Inn, Raziel had decorated the twig with all sorts of ornaments, even a
dead body ornament! But the twig didn't break and everyone found that out when they
went inside. Dumah was carrying the tree]
Rahab: Wow! It's beautiful!
Zephon: Fantabulous!
Turel: Neat-o frito!
Melchiah: Raziel! You've decorated it!
Rahab: Dumah, put away the 500-pound tree! This twig IS our tree!
Dumah: AW SON OF A BITCH!! SO I LUGGED THIS EXTREMELY HEAVY TREE AROUND
FOR NOTHING!! SON OF A-
Zephon: This twig is magical.
Dumah: I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!
(then Dumah stormed out. Kain appeared)
Raziel: (sarcastically) Oh yay, it's Kain.
Kain: Hey guys! I brought presents! Moebius and Vorador's head are here too, along
with Janos!
Rahab: Really?
Kain: Yep! I'm in the holiday spirit!
Raziel: Are you lying?
Kain: No!
(then Kain gave them all parents)
Kain: And I'm not on medication! (to himself) These presents should make me mean
enough!
(then Dumah entered and got a present)
Zephon: Ooh, what is it! (then Kain opened the box and there was an empty box inside.
At first Zephon had a shocked look. But then) YAY!! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED MY OWN
BOX! YIPEE!
(then Zephon ran around in his box)
Kain: (rolls eyes)
Raziel: (opens his present and finds 2 of Janos' feathers. Raziel puts them on and flies)
Awesome! Coolness! Uber-awesome!
Kain: I'm stuck with idiots.
Melchiah: (opened gift to find duck-tape) Yay! Now my limbs won't fall off!
Kain: (to himself) He's supposed to take that as an insult.
Turel: (open his and finds half a microphone. The top half is missing) This is awesome!
This will go with the top half of microphone that Dumah gave me as a present!
Dumah: What about me?
Kain: You got your maiming bird!
Dumah: Oh yeah. Awesome!
Rahab: And me! (he opened his present and found a Spanish Dictionary) This is uber-
cool. Now I can curse people out in Spanish!
Kain: (to himself) I'm doomed to become Bill Clinton!
Moebius: (holding a huge present) (to Vorador) Vorador, here's your gift from me.
(Moebius opens the gift and it's Vorador's body!)
Vorador's head: YAY! THANK YOU MOEBIUS!!
Janos: That was very sweet Moebius.
Moebius: Aw, that's nice of you! I sound so gay right now.
(Raziel went over to Kain)
Raziel: Kain, I got you a present.
Kain: (PO'ed) WHAT!?
Raziel: (giving Kain his present) Here.
Kain: (looking at the present) DUMAH, I LOVE YOU!!
(Kain races over to Dumah)
Raziel: You'd think for ONCE it's get the credit! Merry Christmas!
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I accidentally made this fic longer than I meant, but oh well. PLEASE REVIEW or I'll end up with an astonishing 0 reviews like last time (I must be the only person in fanfic history to post a chapter into an already existing fic and get 0 reviews for it)! Oh well, that was the past! Hope you liked this chapter and the last chapter might be the last. There, you will find out what Kain's gift was! Merry Christmas and review!
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A/N: I accidentally made this fic way longer than planned, so read when you have the time.
[The setting was the Pillars, but it was decorated with the usual Christmas decorations: Dead sarafan reafs, dead people painted green and red and any other holiday color, blood with red food coloring, and even a Christmas tree that Dumah stole from Moebius' house. The lieutenants had just gathered together to sing a Christmas song while the others were out]
Zephon: (to Turel) How come YOU always get to sing the song?
Turel: Because I won on that show "Nosgoth Idol."
Raziel: Enough fussing!
Dumah: Yeah, or I'll beat the crap outta both of you! Hey, keep fighting please.
Rahab: Are we just gonna make the song up as we go?
Melchiah: Well, we do that every year, why break a tradition?
Raziel: I agree.
Melchiah: But what if Kain comes in?
Turel: Who cares?
Dumah: Yeah, I'll just blame this all on Razzyboy and we'll be off the hook.
Raziel: (to Dumah) I hate you. AND DON'T CALL ME RAZZYBOY!!
Turel: Ahem. (singing voice) (holding a mirror up to himself) On the first day of
Christmas, I got resurrected with THIS really handsome face!
On the second day of Christmas I gave to meeee
Raziel and Rahab: 2 really dead sarafan!
Turel: And my awesome looking face!!
On the third
day of Christmas-(then Dumah broke his mirror)
THAT BASTARD DUMAH BROKE MY MIRROR!!
Raziel and Rahab: 2 juicy sarafan!
Melchiah: And the pretty boys' pretty boy face!
Turel: (while beating up Dumah) On the fourth day of Christmas I gave to meeeee
Melchiah: (his limbs fell off) My four limbs!!
Turel: Idiot broke my mirror!!
Raziel and Rahab: Two very dead sarafan!!
Dumah: And the pretty boys' gay looking face!!
Turel: On the fifth day of Christmas I stoooole
FIVE OF VORADORS' RINGS!! (then Vorador appeared)
Melchiah: Four o' my limbs
Zephon: Idiot broke gay faces' mirror
Raziel and Rahab: Two maimed sarafan
Turel: And my awesome looking face!!
On the sixth day of Christmas-(Kain came in, saw them caroling, and Immolated Turel)
Zephon: Kain gave Turel six burn marks!! FIVE OF VORADOR'S RINGS, four o'
Melchiah's limbs-(he sees everyone starring at him)
Kain: Stupid singers!
Zephon: Hey! I sing good!
Kain: Yeah right! I bet I can sing better.
Zephon: Oh yeah!? (Zephon gave Kain a microphone) Why don't you put your mouth
where your...mouth is!
Kain: You are such a retard! Christmas is stupid!
Raziel: How can you think that? Do you know what Christmas is about?
Kain: Yeah. Getting presents.
Raziel: No! It's actually about something deeper.
Kain: (irritated sigh) Don't go all Charlie Brown Christmas special on me.
Melchiah: Oh yeah, I forgot all about the Charlie Brown Christmas special! I wonder if
it's still on!
Turel: I burn...
Dumah: Hey, Turel's crispy!
Turel: (to Kain) I'm surprised you don't like Christmas! You get stuff for FREE on
Christmas!
Kain: Rahab, get me something.
Rahab: What?
Kain: I don't care, anything.
(so Rahab brought him a Big Mac)
Rahab: Always, McDonalds!
Kain: (then Kain ate the Big Mac and punched Rahab) (to Turel) There, I got a Big Mac
for free.
Zephon: You've got to admit, he's got a point.
Raziel: Yeah, but the magical thing about Christmas is that you get stuff for free
without having to be violent!
Kain: But that takes all the fun out of getting stuff for free!
Dumah: How can you not like this time of year? I love it!
Turel: Yeah, even the racist, sexist, asshole Dumah likes Christmas!
Kain: I don't care!
Melchiah: Can we still sing?
Kain: Of course...outside!! GO!
Raziel: You're mean. (Razzyboy walks out)
Zephon: What's up with you? You have PMS? (then Zephon quickly ran out)
Rahab: This is illogical.
Kain: I don't care Data!
Rahab: Hey, Data's cool! (then Rahab walked out)
Dumah: Can I bring Bloodthirsty Demon with me?
Kain: Who is Bloodthirsty Demon?
Dumah: He's my maiming bird!
Kain: Fine!
(Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon leave)
Melchiah: You're trying to take all the fun out of Christmas, but I won't let you. Fool.
(then Melchiah left)
Kain: (rolls eyes) Whatever Charlie Brown.
Turel: Yeah! Well, you can't kick me out! I'm kicking myself out! Ha! (then Turel leaves)
Kain: (closes the gates) What an idiot.
[The scene is now outside in the freezing cold]
Raziel: Is a-a-a-a-anyone c-c-c-cold?
Dumah: Not really.
Turel: Well that's cause Dumah has lot of layers on fat on him to keep him warm.
Zephon: Ooh, good one.
Dumah: It's not fat!! It's muscle!!
Zephon: Yeah right. And Raziel is a man.
Rahab: Hahaha.
Raziel: I'm not a little boy, I'M A MAN!!
Rahab: It IS a little chilly. We should find a warm place.
Melchiah: I'm hungry.
Dumah: No problem. (to Bloodthirsty Demon) Hey, go get us something to eat please! I
will share my human remains with you!
(then the maiming bird flew off)
Dumah: I love that little guy.
Melchiah: Hey, Kain's got our tree in there! We need to find a new one!
Rahab: Good idea! Let's go!
Raziel: And get somewhere warm. I'm freezing my butt off.
Rahab: Do you even have one anymore? Hahaha! (then Rahab ran off)
Raziel: (to Rahab) YOU KNOW, SOMEDAY MY WINGS WILL GROW BACK, THEN I'LL FLY
AROUND AND KICK THE ASSES OF THE PEOPLE WHO PICKED ON ME!!
[Back in the Pillars, Kain settled down in his thrown, happy that he caused spite on this joyous time of the year]
Kain: That was fun.
(Kain looks around at the holiday decorations)
Kain: Well, I'll have to do something about this. I could always roast that tree over a
fire.
(Kain looks down at the tree and sees presents)
Kain: What's this? A present for me?
(then, all of a sudden, Magnus appears)
Kain: AHHHHHHHHH!! (then Kain sees it's Magnus) Oh. AHHHHHHHH!!
Magnus: KAIN!! I WAQS SENT HERE TO GIVE YOU MESSAGE!! AND I WANT MEAT!! 3
CIRCLE MEMBERS OF AGES PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE WILL STOP BY! BE
PREPARED FOR THE VISITATION!! MEAT!!
(then Magnus ran up, bit Kain's arm, then ran away)
Kain: What the hell is wrong with Magnus anyway?
Vorador: Hey Kain, could you ask Moebius if I could have my body back?
Kain: Why are you here?
Vorador: Turel stole my rings.
Kain: Oh.
Vorador: You and I are alike Kain. You hate everyone. I hate everyone. Let us form an
alliance, then we'll be unstoppable! Mwahahaha!
Kain: Forget it, I'm NOT getting you a Christmas present!
Vorador: Awww!
[Meanwhile, the lieutenants and the maiming bird found an Inn to stay in]
Dumah: Roasting chestnuts in the fire. Yummy looking.
Zephon: That is quite possibly one of the sickest things EVER!
Melchiah: Hey, since we've killed everyone here, Dumah can decorate and I can get us
a tree!
Rahab: You really like Christmas trees, don't you?
Melchiah: Yep.
Raziel: (wearing a big blue coat that covers his body and half his head and wearing a
hat that covers the rest of his head) I'll go too.
Melchiah: But you can't see!
(then Raziel ignited his Soul Reaver and cut eye holes then turned off his Reaver)
Raziel: Besides, my Reaver is perfect for cutting down Christmas trees.
Turel: What do I do?
Melchiah: Tape me the Charlie Brown Christmas special.
Dumah: Come on Bloodthirsty Demon, let's go get some more decorations, and by
getting more I mean, you maim and I finish them off!
(then Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon left)
Rahab: They are such the perfect team.
Raziel: We're off!
(then Melchiah and Raziel left)
Zephon: Who's up for a holiday drinking game!?
Rahab: Heeey, that might not be a bad idea!
Turel: Yes, but we'll need to sober up in time for opening presents.
Rahab: Okay. But how will we open our presents? They're at the Pillars.
Zephon: Do we remember what they were?
Rahab: Yes.
Zephon: Then we'll just get the presents again.
Turel: Oh, okay.
Zephon: Come, we must follow Dumah.
Rahab: Why?
Zephon: We drink each time him or Bloodthirsty Demon harms someone.
Turel: Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Rahab: Don't forget that special Melchiah wanted you to tape.
Turel: Oh yeah. Well, let's go.
[Back at the Pillars, Kain was just about to fall asleep because he was actually kind of bored since he had no one to terrorize, but then Ariel appeared]
Kain: What do you want Ariel? I'm sleepy.
Ariel: I am the Circle Member of Ages Past. I shall show you your past.
Kain: (rolls eyes) Very clever. What good will that do? I already know my past.
Ariel: Yes, but you shall see. Grab my hand.
(Kain grabs her hand and she flies up, holding onto Kain. She heads towards the
ceiling, still holding Kain)
Kain: (while ascending to the ceiling) Ariel! Ceiling! You no solid you go through, I solid
so my head goes 'bonk' when I hit the ceiling!
(then Ariel floated through the ceiling, but, as Kain said, his head went 'bonk' and he
fell all the way to the floor. When Ariel saw this she went back down to get him)
Ariel: What happened?
Kain: (aggravated) I NO GO THROUGH SOLID STUFF!!
Ariel: Oh yeah...follow me then.
(so Kain followed Ariel as the went outside)
Ariel: Now grab onto my hand.
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh goody, you gonna give me pixie dust so I can fly?
Ariel: No. But if a drop you you will die.
Kain: Please tell me that you lie.
Ariel: I no lie. If I drop you, you'll surely die. That was a good set of rhymes. Now let's
go!
[So Ariel holds onto Kain and they fly and getting teleported to the past when young Kain was still in school]
Kain: (seeing himself) It's me when I was in school! I HATE SCHOOL! Especially Math!
Young Kain: I hate school! Especially Math!
Kain: (amazed) Did he just hear me?
Ariel: No you idiot! No one can see or hear us! Don't you watch movies?
Kain: No.
Young Kain: I love Christmas. Christmas was a time of love and care and a time of
giving, NOT receiving! Christmas is all about love and family.
Kain: (disgusted) Oh please, haunt me no longer Circle Member! I was a total dork
then! Ariel: We're not done yet. You still have more pain to go through.
Kain: I hate you Ariel.
[So Ariel led him to when he was older and was at a tavern]
Human Kain: No drink for a weary traveler.
Bartender: No. Go away!
(so Human Kain was kicked out)
Kain: I still have yet to find that bartender and totally kick his-
Ariel: So are you sad?
Kain: No! And nothing you can do can make me sad!
[So Ariel led him to when he killed Umah]
BO2 Kain: (kills Umah) Now you're dead.
(tries to get her gift but fails)
BO2 Kain: Umah!! You left your gift at home!! That was the only reason I killed you! Aw
crap! I'll be getting pissed off about this one for a while!
Kain: Okay, now I'm pissed off!
Ariel: Later on you'll get a visit from the Circle Member of Ages Present. Be ready.
Kain: Fine!
Ariel: Oh, and one more thing.
Kain: Yes?
(so she punched him in the jaw, there was a white flash, and he was back on his throne
with an aching jaw. Meanwhile, Raziel and Melchiah were in a forest searching for a
tree)
Melchiah: I love snow!
Raziel: It's still cold!
Melchiah: Don't complain.
Raziel: (points to a tree) There's a tree!
Melchiah: No.
Raziel: (points to tree) There's a tree!
Melchiah: No.
Raziel: (points to a tree) There's a tree!
Melchiah: We aren't playing "Spot the Tree." I hate that game. We need to find a tree
with a certain aura. A certain soul. A certain radiance.
Raziel: Riiiiiiiight...
Melchiah: A tree that screams out "Find me for I am a lost lonely wonder. I am
mistaken. I am a great deserving one. I need a home."
Raziel: Are you high?
Melchiah: Certainly not. And I resent that.
(so they walk along and Melchiah finally spots the perfect tree)
Melchiah: (pointing) THERE! THERE'S THE PERFECT TREE! It screams "Beauty in the
soul."
Raziel: I bet you would make a wonderful poet.
Melchiah: Yeah, I would wouldn't I?
Raziel: (looking at the tree Melchiah pointed to) Melchiah, there's only one problem.
Melchiah: What?
Raziel: IT'S A FREAKIN' TWIG!
(sure enough, that 'tree' was a twig with a few bits of pine pointing out)
Melchiah: In its material form it looks like just a twig, but it's really the most touching,
beautiful tree ever.
Raziel: Well, we can see about that.
(so Raziel shifted into Spectral Realm and the twig turned into the most beautiful tree
ever)
Raziel: Oh my lord, Melchiah was right.
[Back at the Pillars, Kain was playing ping-pong with Vorador's head. Somehow,
Moebius' body had been snatched from Vorador is Vorador's sleep]
Kain: I love playing ping-pong against myself.
(he hit Vorador's head, teleported to the other side of the table, hit it again, teleported
to the other side of table and so on)
Kain: When did you say you first noticed it?
Vorador's head: When I got teleported here during Turel's song.
Kain: Baah! Humbug! Christmas is stupid!
Vorador's head: I wonder what I'm getting for Christmas?
Kain: Nothing from me!
(then the lights went out)
Kain: Wait, since when did I ever have lights?
(Okay then, it got so dark that Kain couldn't see. That better?)
Kain: Yep.
(Retard)
Kain: Hey!
???: I am the Circle Member of Christmas Present.
Vorador's head: Ooh, does that mean we get presents?
???: No you retard!
Vorador's head: Oh.
Kain: Turn the lights on and show yourself!
(but there are no lights remember?)
Kain: (annoyed sigh) Give me light!
(so the place lights up)
Malek: I am the Circle Member of Christmas Present!
Vorador's head: Oh no it's Malek!
Kain: Go ahead, show me the present.
Vorador's head: Me too!
Malek: No! You're a perverted freak! Come Kain!
(so Kain and Malek are teleported to a forest where Raziel and Melchiah are walking
away holding a twig)
Melchiah: What's with Kain?
Raziel: I know what's wrong with Kain. He's a jackass.
Melchiah: Oh, okay.
Kain: I hate Razzyboy. Show me more.
Malek: You ready?
(so Kain and Malek are teleported to where Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon are killing
people)
Dumah: (seeing Bloodthirsty Demon maim someone) Hahaha! Hey maiming bird, I
need to tell you something about Kain. Kain's a jackass.
Kain: HE THINKS SO TOO!? DAMN YOU DUMAH!! Oops, I mean DAMN YOU RAZIEL!
Malek: Have you noticed that nobody likes you Kain?
Kain: Send me elsewhere.
(so Kain and Malek teleport to behind a bush where Zephon, Turel, and Rahab are
playing their drinking game)
Turel: It's so fun seeing Dumah kill people!
Rahab: Yeah!
Zephon: Hey guys, I've just noticed something!
Rahab: What?
Zephon: Kain is a jackass!
Kain: AGAIN WITH THE JACKASS! I HATE THE PRESENT! AND I HATE YOU MALEK!
JUST GET ME OUTTA HERE, I'M PISSED OFF!
Malek: Right away. Just remember that the Circle Member of Ages Future will arrive.
Kain: FINE!
(so Malek popped Kain upside the Kain and Kain reappered on his throne)
Kain: (annoyed sigh) Will this nightmare ever end?
(he sees Vorador's head bobble an a porn magazine)
Kain: (annoyed sigh) You are so pathetic Vorador.
Vorador's head: I can't reach the edge of the page! Will you turn the page for me Kain?
(so Kain gets an evil idea. He picks up the magazine and puts it on a page with a naked
guy and puts it under Vorador's head so that Vorador's head has to stare at it and can't
turn the page)
Vorador's head: Hey Kain! Bad page! You accidentally put it on a bad page! Turn the
page! Kain, please turn the page! I hate you Kain!
[Meanwhile, Raziel and Rahab returned to the Inn, which looked very Christmassy (for a
vampire Christmas) and they set the twig down. A partly drunken Rahab, Zephon, and
Turel tumble in and see the twig]
Turel: Wow! I must be really drunk because that looks like a twig!
Rahab: Yeah, I see it too!
Zephon: Well I must be the mostest drunkest of you alls, because it doesn't klook like a
tweeg. It lookkkks like a banarnar puuuuuuding.
(they all stare at him)
Zephon: What? Eet does lookkks like a banarnar puuuuuuuding.
(then Dumah and Bloodthirsty Demon burst in)
Dumah: (sees the twig) G'damn, I really hate you Melchiah.
Melchiah: What?
Dumah: Razzyboy, come here. I need to talk to you.
(so Raziel goes to Dumah)
Dumah: Why do you do these things to me? Why?
Raziel: It may look like just a crappy twig, but it's really beautiful.
Dumah: EVERYONE! (everyone looks at him) Melchiah has screwed up our Christmas
tree! Let's get a good one!
(then all but Raziel leaves)
Raziel: It really isn't too bad. It's really quite beautiful. Where are some lights?
[Back at the Pillars, Kain is busy using Vorador's head as a doorstop and Kain keeps
slamming the door over and over to see if his head remains a good doorstop)
Kain: This is fun!
Vorador's head: Ow! I think I'd rather be on that magazine...
Kain: (funny look) (blinking) For some reason, I'm not surprised.
(then Moebius suddenly appears! He has his head and his body back together again)
Moebius: (while waving his HUGE hands about) I am the Circle Member of Ages Future.
Kain: AHHH!! Stop waving your big-ass balloon hands around! You might smack me and
knock my head off with your huge inflated hands!
Moebius: What are you talking about? (starts waving HUGE hands again)
Kain: (trying hard to avoid the huge hands) I took you in and this is how you repay
me!? By trying to his me with your gorilla hands!?
Moebius: I don't have huge hands!!
Kain: Yes you do! You have mammoth hands!
Moebius: (devious smile) Hey, you know what they say about people with HUGE hands
right? You know what I mean?
Kain: Oh my lord, you're as pathetic as Vorador.
Moebius: Now, I shall let you look into the future.
Kain: No no no no no no no no! I HATE time travel!
Moebius: This isn't the same.
(Moebius teleports Kain to the future. Raziel sits on Kain's throne! Zephon has built a
ship called the Starship Enterprise and is the brave, intelligent captain. Dumah is an
aerobics instructor with the fake name of Richard Simmons. Rahab is the leader of a
mafia who's nickname is Salvatore Leone, Turel has started a singing career and
everyone knows him by the name Ozzy Ozbourne, and Melchiah has created a comic
strip called Peanuts. Kain, however, goes by his fake name Bill Clinton who just had an
affair with Ariel, who is known as Monica Lewensky. Right now they are at the Pillars
and Kain has crawled up to Raziel)
Future Kain: Please, Raziel, clear my name! I did not have an affair! It will ruin my
political state!
Future Raziel: No! HahahahahahahahZhahahahaha! Why was there a capital 'Z' in my
laugh?
Zephon: Help...we are...being followed by...an unidentified craft. We
may...get very...injured. Scotty!
Hash: Ay, captain?
Zephon: We really...need to do...something if...we want to...live. Get
me...Spock.
Hash: Spock, come here!
(Magnus enters)
Magnus: MEAT CAPTAIN!
Zephon: Spock!
Magnus: YES?
Zephon: Please...get me...headache medicine. Borgs are...killing...us!
Magnus: LIVE LONG AND PROSPER! MEAT! (then Magnus done that thing Spock does
with his finger then left)
Kain: Oh, please get me outta here Moebius!
Moebius: If you're not nice, this will happen!
Kain: I'm doomed. (then Kain brightens up) I have an affair with Ariel! Alright!
(then Moebius bitch-slapps him and Kain appears back at his throne in the present)
Kain: (his entire hand is red because of Moebius' huge deformed hand) I've gotta be
evil so I can have an affair!
[Back at the Inn, Raziel had decorated the twig with all sorts of ornaments, even a
dead body ornament! But the twig didn't break and everyone found that out when they
went inside. Dumah was carrying the tree]
Rahab: Wow! It's beautiful!
Zephon: Fantabulous!
Turel: Neat-o frito!
Melchiah: Raziel! You've decorated it!
Rahab: Dumah, put away the 500-pound tree! This twig IS our tree!
Dumah: AW SON OF A BITCH!! SO I LUGGED THIS EXTREMELY HEAVY TREE AROUND
FOR NOTHING!! SON OF A-
Zephon: This twig is magical.
Dumah: I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!
(then Dumah stormed out. Kain appeared)
Raziel: (sarcastically) Oh yay, it's Kain.
Kain: Hey guys! I brought presents! Moebius and Vorador's head are here too, along
with Janos!
Rahab: Really?
Kain: Yep! I'm in the holiday spirit!
Raziel: Are you lying?
Kain: No!
(then Kain gave them all parents)
Kain: And I'm not on medication! (to himself) These presents should make me mean
enough!
(then Dumah entered and got a present)
Zephon: Ooh, what is it! (then Kain opened the box and there was an empty box inside.
At first Zephon had a shocked look. But then) YAY!! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED MY OWN
BOX! YIPEE!
(then Zephon ran around in his box)
Kain: (rolls eyes)
Raziel: (opens his present and finds 2 of Janos' feathers. Raziel puts them on and flies)
Awesome! Coolness! Uber-awesome!
Kain: I'm stuck with idiots.
Melchiah: (opened gift to find duck-tape) Yay! Now my limbs won't fall off!
Kain: (to himself) He's supposed to take that as an insult.
Turel: (open his and finds half a microphone. The top half is missing) This is awesome!
This will go with the top half of microphone that Dumah gave me as a present!
Dumah: What about me?
Kain: You got your maiming bird!
Dumah: Oh yeah. Awesome!
Rahab: And me! (he opened his present and found a Spanish Dictionary) This is uber-
cool. Now I can curse people out in Spanish!
Kain: (to himself) I'm doomed to become Bill Clinton!
Moebius: (holding a huge present) (to Vorador) Vorador, here's your gift from me.
(Moebius opens the gift and it's Vorador's body!)
Vorador's head: YAY! THANK YOU MOEBIUS!!
Janos: That was very sweet Moebius.
Moebius: Aw, that's nice of you! I sound so gay right now.
(Raziel went over to Kain)
Raziel: Kain, I got you a present.
Kain: (PO'ed) WHAT!?
Raziel: (giving Kain his present) Here.
Kain: (looking at the present) DUMAH, I LOVE YOU!!
(Kain races over to Dumah)
Raziel: You'd think for ONCE it's get the credit! Merry Christmas!
__________________________________________________________________
I accidentally made this fic longer than I meant, but oh well. PLEASE REVIEW or I'll end up with an astonishing 0 reviews like last time (I must be the only person in fanfic history to post a chapter into an already existing fic and get 0 reviews for it)! Oh well, that was the past! Hope you liked this chapter and the last chapter might be the last. There, you will find out what Kain's gift was! Merry Christmas and review!