Title: Fear
Author: CSIphile/A-Stepf
Rating/Disclaimers: Same as before.
Notes: Ok time to get serious in the notes, so please don't skip the notes. Usually I reserve this space for some useless information about my writing process, the day I've had, or why Word is Satan. Today is different. I want you guys to know how much I struggled with the last section of this chapter, it's a serious issue (which I wont reveal now, you'll see) which I am hoping to not take lightly. I debated for a good long time if it was appropriate, if it fit with where I was taking these characters, basically if I was using it for the sake of using it or if it advanced the story. After leaving it in, re-reading the fic after I was done, and consulting with both Meg and Dev, its stays in. I hope it adds something to the fic instead of taking away. Also, the ~~ things indicate Sara's internal thoughts. Ok, now that that's done.
To the Thanks: Big HUGE ones to Meg and Dev for the aforementioned reason, you guys make me feel good about the decision. Of course to Meg for betaing for me, she rocks, yo. To all those who have reviewed, thank you immensely. You guys have no idea what your reviews do for authors.
Returning to the lab, he finds his entire team, minus Sara of course, hovering around the pictures spread again on the layout table. Catherine sees him first.
"Hey, how is she doing?" she asks.
"I don't know, Catherine. I have never seen her like this, its almost like she doesn't care anymore what happens. I'm at a loss what to do," he tells her while rubbing the bridge of his nose slowly. "What do we have?"
"More of the same, pictures, I counted 234. The judge is not pleased the guy violated the order and, when the DA told him about the pictures and the call, issued a temporary restraining order. Now we just have to find him to bring him in. Shouldn't be too tough in a tourist town," Warrick answers, a grim expression on his face.
"Ok, I guess it's up to Brass and the PD to find him now. Any clues where he may have gone?"
"Working on that." Nick responds this time. "Watching activity on his credit cards and bank account. So far, nothing."
"Gil, you should go home, she needs you. We have it covered; I won't let anything get screwed up." Catherine looks at her friend with concern.
"Yeah, you're right. Call me if anything happens."
Walking into his house for the second time in under two hours, Grissom is just weary. Slowly opening the bedroom door, he strips down and slides in bed, Sara shifting only slightly when he pulls her into him. Wrapping one arm around her and listening to her even breathing, Grissom falls into sleep with her.
He is woken several hours later by Sara moving in her sleep and moaning lightly. As he looks at her, the noises she is making increase in volume until a piercing scream cuts through the silence and Sara sits up, pulling the covers with her.
"Sara, Sara. Hey, shhh." He sits up and touches her face, shoulders, and arms in quick succession, wanting to make sure she is physically ok.
"He was here, right here. He found me, wouldn't let me go. He was about to kill me, had the gun leveled at my head." Looking at him, tears spill onto her cheeks. "I don't know how much more I can take, Gris. I tried to be strong, to not show my fear, but I can't sleep, and when I do, all I see is him. I can't function at all, every decision I make is forced by him. I have no control over my life. None. I hate it and I hate him."
Gathering her into his arms, Grissom leans back against the headboard, listening to her cry. After several minutes, he feels her chest stop heaving and she relaxes against him.
"It's ok to cry, Sara. It's ok to talk to me about this; you need to let it out sometimes. You can lean on me. I will do everything in my power to make this better."
"I know, thank you. I don't know what is wrong with me."
"This would be hard on anyone Sara, but you have such a tight reign on your life that it's especially tough for you."
"Yeah." Quickly changing the topic, she looks at the clock. "Oh my God, I slept for 8 hours? I think that's the longest I have slept in my life at one time. Shift starts again in 3 hours."
"Sara, do you think."
"I am going to work Gris, that is not negotiable. It's all I have beside you." She gets out of bed and heads for the bathroom to change and get ready. Standing in front of the mirror, Sara grips the edges of the sink, fighting the depression as she feels it slinking up on her, like black oil moving in on the edges of her consciousness. Looking at herself in the reflective glass, she is shocked at her own appearance. Her skin is a paler shade of white than usual. Dark, almost black circles rim her eyes. Her lips are dry, cracked, and it looks like she has lost a needed 10 pounds; she looks half dead. Sighing and brushing her hair quickly, she pulls it back into a ponytail, unwilling to deal with the curls today. After changing, she exits, allowing Grissom passage to shower.
"As soon as I am ready we can go. But I want you to eat something before we leave," he instructs and starts the water.
"Fine," she responds and finds a piece of fruit, eating it quietly on the couch, waiting for him to finish. His voice scares her out of a self- imposed daze.
"Ready?"
"Yeah, let's go."
Grabbing the assignments on the way in, Grissom quickly divvies them up between the team in his head. One homicide for Catherine, one suicide for him and Sara, and Warrick and Nick stay on Sara's case. Dropping his things in his office, he walks into the break room; Sara had taken off for the locker room as soon as they arrived. Finding everyone there, he notices the tense silence that permeates the room, all of them concerned for Sara, but no one willing to say it to her.
"Ok guys. Cath, nice homicide for you. Warrick and Nick, you work on finding Harrington." Addressing Sara seated quietly at the table, he continues. "You and I have a suicide. Let's go."
Once again on the way out, Catherine stops him and only says one thing. "She needs to talk to someone. Stop being her boyfriend for a minute and be her boss. Force her if you have to."
The thought of pulling rank is still swirling in his mind as they process their suicide. No 'apparent' this time for Grissom. The woman left a note for her husband explaining why she had to do it; she had gambled their savings away and couldn't face his disappointment. There were no signs of a struggle. She had simply overdosed on Percocet; taken an entire bottle, went to sleep, and never woke up.
'What a peaceful way to go,' Sara thinks as she snaps pictures of the woman. Her mind begins to wander as she does her job, normally not a problem, but this time her thoughts take a dark turn. She wonders if the woman suffered. Probably not, took 75 pills and all her troubles were over. She didn't have to think about what her husband would say, or have to explain to him the compulsion that took over and made her gamble away everything they had. It is an easy way out, too, not messy like gun shots or painful like hanging yourself. Typically female, too- most women commit suicide by overdosing; it's passive, quiet.
The camera flashes as Sara photographs an outstretched hand.
~~Easy, it probably felt like floating before she fell into sleep.~~
**Flash** A serene face, unmarred. She can have an open casket funeral.
~~She could do it after work, no one would notice for hours, plenty of time.~~
**Flash** A prescription bottle three fourths empty.
~~All she would have to do is go to the doctor, claim some phantom pain and get a painkiller, no one would doubt her.~~
**Flash** A bottle of water, empty. It probably took a lot to get all those pills down.
~~Maybe some alcohol instead of water might make it faster.~~
**Flash** The suicide note, written in precise handwriting, giving no clue as to the writer's intentions.
No one would wonder why, that much is obvious to anyone. She wouldn't need a note. Say your goodbyes before you leave work. A couple hours and it would all be over. Problem solved - no more calls, visits, gifts, Grissom would truly be safe, they all would. Joey couldn't bother her anymore, would he be upset she was dead, or upset he didn't get to posses her? Taking one last picture, Sara captures Grissom in the frame of the camera and realizes what she has been thinking. 'Oh my God, what is wrong with me?' She almost drops the camera as she looks at Grissom's back. Shaking, Sara backs away from the bed, her focus shifting between Grissom and the body. Her movements are stopped suddenly when her hip makes hard contact with the corner of a dresser, causing several small items on the dresser to shake, getting Grissom's attention.
Turning to her, Grissom's concern increases tenfold. She is shaking and in the 10 minutes since he looked at her last, she has gotten considerably paler.
"Sara?"
She turns her head to him, an alarmed expression on her face. She can't speak, her vocal cords won't work. The room is starting to spin, and she is having trouble breathing.
"I..I'll be back," she says and leaves, placing the camera on the dresser, not giving Grissom a chance to respond. Rushing outside into the cool air, she stops and raises her hands above her head to get more air into her lungs. Pacing back and forth, trying to calm herself, Sara doesn't even notice Grissom coming out of the house, watching her make circles in the walkway.
"Sara. What happened?" he asks quietly and the brunette turns to face him, but doesn't look in his eyes. A first for Sara, she always looks him right in the eyes; it's how he always knows what she is thinking. "Sara, you're scaring me."
"Yeah? Well, I am scaring myself too, Grissom. Do you **know** what I was thinking in there? Do you?" She starts pacing again as Grissom waits patiently for the answer to her question. He knows that pushing her won't help. "I looked at that woman lying on the bed; she looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping, not really dead. I started thinking what an easy way to go, just take a few pills and everything is over. **I actually thought about how I could do it, how easy getting the pills would be, would water or alcohol be better.** No Joey bothering me, no wondering if he will go after you next, no worrying if the next time I go outside is the last time. Maybe an hour and everything is over." She has been gesturing wildly the entire conversation until the last sentence when the energy seems to drain out of her.
"Jesus Sara, I had no idea. Look, you stay here, I will finish up. We were almost done anyway, and then we'll go back to the lab." Without thinking, Grissom pulls her into a hug, stricken by the dark path Sara had been going down, and the fact that he'd had no idea it was happening.
tbc.....again, I hope you enjoyed this chapter despite the depressing ending. I really wanted to show how this is affecting Sara without her really realizing it, and I hope that comes across.
Rating/Disclaimers: Same as before.
Notes: Ok time to get serious in the notes, so please don't skip the notes. Usually I reserve this space for some useless information about my writing process, the day I've had, or why Word is Satan. Today is different. I want you guys to know how much I struggled with the last section of this chapter, it's a serious issue (which I wont reveal now, you'll see) which I am hoping to not take lightly. I debated for a good long time if it was appropriate, if it fit with where I was taking these characters, basically if I was using it for the sake of using it or if it advanced the story. After leaving it in, re-reading the fic after I was done, and consulting with both Meg and Dev, its stays in. I hope it adds something to the fic instead of taking away. Also, the ~~ things indicate Sara's internal thoughts. Ok, now that that's done.
To the Thanks: Big HUGE ones to Meg and Dev for the aforementioned reason, you guys make me feel good about the decision. Of course to Meg for betaing for me, she rocks, yo. To all those who have reviewed, thank you immensely. You guys have no idea what your reviews do for authors.
Returning to the lab, he finds his entire team, minus Sara of course, hovering around the pictures spread again on the layout table. Catherine sees him first.
"Hey, how is she doing?" she asks.
"I don't know, Catherine. I have never seen her like this, its almost like she doesn't care anymore what happens. I'm at a loss what to do," he tells her while rubbing the bridge of his nose slowly. "What do we have?"
"More of the same, pictures, I counted 234. The judge is not pleased the guy violated the order and, when the DA told him about the pictures and the call, issued a temporary restraining order. Now we just have to find him to bring him in. Shouldn't be too tough in a tourist town," Warrick answers, a grim expression on his face.
"Ok, I guess it's up to Brass and the PD to find him now. Any clues where he may have gone?"
"Working on that." Nick responds this time. "Watching activity on his credit cards and bank account. So far, nothing."
"Gil, you should go home, she needs you. We have it covered; I won't let anything get screwed up." Catherine looks at her friend with concern.
"Yeah, you're right. Call me if anything happens."
Walking into his house for the second time in under two hours, Grissom is just weary. Slowly opening the bedroom door, he strips down and slides in bed, Sara shifting only slightly when he pulls her into him. Wrapping one arm around her and listening to her even breathing, Grissom falls into sleep with her.
He is woken several hours later by Sara moving in her sleep and moaning lightly. As he looks at her, the noises she is making increase in volume until a piercing scream cuts through the silence and Sara sits up, pulling the covers with her.
"Sara, Sara. Hey, shhh." He sits up and touches her face, shoulders, and arms in quick succession, wanting to make sure she is physically ok.
"He was here, right here. He found me, wouldn't let me go. He was about to kill me, had the gun leveled at my head." Looking at him, tears spill onto her cheeks. "I don't know how much more I can take, Gris. I tried to be strong, to not show my fear, but I can't sleep, and when I do, all I see is him. I can't function at all, every decision I make is forced by him. I have no control over my life. None. I hate it and I hate him."
Gathering her into his arms, Grissom leans back against the headboard, listening to her cry. After several minutes, he feels her chest stop heaving and she relaxes against him.
"It's ok to cry, Sara. It's ok to talk to me about this; you need to let it out sometimes. You can lean on me. I will do everything in my power to make this better."
"I know, thank you. I don't know what is wrong with me."
"This would be hard on anyone Sara, but you have such a tight reign on your life that it's especially tough for you."
"Yeah." Quickly changing the topic, she looks at the clock. "Oh my God, I slept for 8 hours? I think that's the longest I have slept in my life at one time. Shift starts again in 3 hours."
"Sara, do you think."
"I am going to work Gris, that is not negotiable. It's all I have beside you." She gets out of bed and heads for the bathroom to change and get ready. Standing in front of the mirror, Sara grips the edges of the sink, fighting the depression as she feels it slinking up on her, like black oil moving in on the edges of her consciousness. Looking at herself in the reflective glass, she is shocked at her own appearance. Her skin is a paler shade of white than usual. Dark, almost black circles rim her eyes. Her lips are dry, cracked, and it looks like she has lost a needed 10 pounds; she looks half dead. Sighing and brushing her hair quickly, she pulls it back into a ponytail, unwilling to deal with the curls today. After changing, she exits, allowing Grissom passage to shower.
"As soon as I am ready we can go. But I want you to eat something before we leave," he instructs and starts the water.
"Fine," she responds and finds a piece of fruit, eating it quietly on the couch, waiting for him to finish. His voice scares her out of a self- imposed daze.
"Ready?"
"Yeah, let's go."
Grabbing the assignments on the way in, Grissom quickly divvies them up between the team in his head. One homicide for Catherine, one suicide for him and Sara, and Warrick and Nick stay on Sara's case. Dropping his things in his office, he walks into the break room; Sara had taken off for the locker room as soon as they arrived. Finding everyone there, he notices the tense silence that permeates the room, all of them concerned for Sara, but no one willing to say it to her.
"Ok guys. Cath, nice homicide for you. Warrick and Nick, you work on finding Harrington." Addressing Sara seated quietly at the table, he continues. "You and I have a suicide. Let's go."
Once again on the way out, Catherine stops him and only says one thing. "She needs to talk to someone. Stop being her boyfriend for a minute and be her boss. Force her if you have to."
The thought of pulling rank is still swirling in his mind as they process their suicide. No 'apparent' this time for Grissom. The woman left a note for her husband explaining why she had to do it; she had gambled their savings away and couldn't face his disappointment. There were no signs of a struggle. She had simply overdosed on Percocet; taken an entire bottle, went to sleep, and never woke up.
'What a peaceful way to go,' Sara thinks as she snaps pictures of the woman. Her mind begins to wander as she does her job, normally not a problem, but this time her thoughts take a dark turn. She wonders if the woman suffered. Probably not, took 75 pills and all her troubles were over. She didn't have to think about what her husband would say, or have to explain to him the compulsion that took over and made her gamble away everything they had. It is an easy way out, too, not messy like gun shots or painful like hanging yourself. Typically female, too- most women commit suicide by overdosing; it's passive, quiet.
The camera flashes as Sara photographs an outstretched hand.
~~Easy, it probably felt like floating before she fell into sleep.~~
**Flash** A serene face, unmarred. She can have an open casket funeral.
~~She could do it after work, no one would notice for hours, plenty of time.~~
**Flash** A prescription bottle three fourths empty.
~~All she would have to do is go to the doctor, claim some phantom pain and get a painkiller, no one would doubt her.~~
**Flash** A bottle of water, empty. It probably took a lot to get all those pills down.
~~Maybe some alcohol instead of water might make it faster.~~
**Flash** The suicide note, written in precise handwriting, giving no clue as to the writer's intentions.
No one would wonder why, that much is obvious to anyone. She wouldn't need a note. Say your goodbyes before you leave work. A couple hours and it would all be over. Problem solved - no more calls, visits, gifts, Grissom would truly be safe, they all would. Joey couldn't bother her anymore, would he be upset she was dead, or upset he didn't get to posses her? Taking one last picture, Sara captures Grissom in the frame of the camera and realizes what she has been thinking. 'Oh my God, what is wrong with me?' She almost drops the camera as she looks at Grissom's back. Shaking, Sara backs away from the bed, her focus shifting between Grissom and the body. Her movements are stopped suddenly when her hip makes hard contact with the corner of a dresser, causing several small items on the dresser to shake, getting Grissom's attention.
Turning to her, Grissom's concern increases tenfold. She is shaking and in the 10 minutes since he looked at her last, she has gotten considerably paler.
"Sara?"
She turns her head to him, an alarmed expression on her face. She can't speak, her vocal cords won't work. The room is starting to spin, and she is having trouble breathing.
"I..I'll be back," she says and leaves, placing the camera on the dresser, not giving Grissom a chance to respond. Rushing outside into the cool air, she stops and raises her hands above her head to get more air into her lungs. Pacing back and forth, trying to calm herself, Sara doesn't even notice Grissom coming out of the house, watching her make circles in the walkway.
"Sara. What happened?" he asks quietly and the brunette turns to face him, but doesn't look in his eyes. A first for Sara, she always looks him right in the eyes; it's how he always knows what she is thinking. "Sara, you're scaring me."
"Yeah? Well, I am scaring myself too, Grissom. Do you **know** what I was thinking in there? Do you?" She starts pacing again as Grissom waits patiently for the answer to her question. He knows that pushing her won't help. "I looked at that woman lying on the bed; she looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping, not really dead. I started thinking what an easy way to go, just take a few pills and everything is over. **I actually thought about how I could do it, how easy getting the pills would be, would water or alcohol be better.** No Joey bothering me, no wondering if he will go after you next, no worrying if the next time I go outside is the last time. Maybe an hour and everything is over." She has been gesturing wildly the entire conversation until the last sentence when the energy seems to drain out of her.
"Jesus Sara, I had no idea. Look, you stay here, I will finish up. We were almost done anyway, and then we'll go back to the lab." Without thinking, Grissom pulls her into a hug, stricken by the dark path Sara had been going down, and the fact that he'd had no idea it was happening.
tbc.....again, I hope you enjoyed this chapter despite the depressing ending. I really wanted to show how this is affecting Sara without her really realizing it, and I hope that comes across.