Journeys
by Mary
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WE are shaped and fashioned by what we love.
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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Part One – Promise to a Lady
WHY did I love her?
Because it was her; because it was me.
– Montaigne
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Chapter Ten of 'Journeys: Part One: Promise to a Lady' contains adult material not suited for FF.net. If you're old enough, and would like to read the chapter in its' entirety, it can be found at these sites, either today (11/20) or within a day or two:
All About Spike:
http://www.allaboutspike.com/fic/203.html
The Crypt:
http://home.att.net/~lubakmetyk/crypt.htm#mary
Or at the page First Rabid made for me off of her fan fiction page:
http://www.geocities.com/rabid1st/mksficpage.html
(You can then click over to Rabid's page and read some of her great fic too.)
And, of course, feedback can still be left at FF.net. (Hint, hint!) All About Spike has a place for posting feedback as well.
If you're following the story (thank you!) and don't care to read the adult material, or are not old enough, a brief synopsis of Chapter Ten follows. Please don't read the synopsis if you plan to read the entire chapter. It's like cheating or something. Geesh!
Chapter Ten Synopsis for Fan Fiction.net
Spike is in Buffy's room, lying on her bed. DreamVision!Barbie, I mean, Buffy, comes to him.
He can hear her voice clearly in his mind, and can communicate with her mentally as well. She feels very real to him, more so than other visions and dreams he's had of her. Her voice is Buffy's, but slightly different. It was huskier, and had a strange, not quite human quality to it, a whispering darkness. And her scent is different. Cool and sensual, woodsy and wanton.
They more or less spend the entire night making love. Since this isn't real, Spike feels comfortable unleashing all his tenderness. He even lets William out to play for a while. You know, with the poetry and stuff.
Buffy suggests that she is there for him, but our boy assures her he's there for her, too, and some suggestion is made that their lovemaking teaches her things about her capacity for passion that she hadn't yet discovered in life.
Spike feels strongly that this is what it would have been like to make love to Buffy in life, if she had loved him, but also acknowledges to himself that this is something he never would have had, because he feels she never would have returned his love. He pushes that idea away, though, because he isn't a complete wanker. And he enjoys the night with her, even though he's aware it's unreal.
The night ends with this exchange, only slightly edited:
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You're wavering. I need you to stay strong.
It was late, nearing dawn, and he knew she'd be leaving him soon. God, he wanted her to stay. If he'd lost his mind and was existing in some fantasy world, he wanted to stay there, lost in her forever.
He knew it wouldn't be.
Know I'd do anything for you, love. But most of the time, I'm jes' hangin' by a thread. Don't know how long...
Promise me. Promise me you'll stay strong. Dawn needs you.
So hard here without you. Jes' – day after day. Mind's playin' tricks on me, too. Can't always tell what's real and what's not. What good am I to you like this?
You're what I need, what Dawn needs, and I'm counting on you, to protect her. Promise me. I need you to give me your word.
Spike squeezed his eyes shut, pain washing over him.
You know you've got it, love. 'Til the end of the world. Gave it once, not gonna take it back. I just – I don't know why you'd want it. If it weren't for me, if I hadn't buggered everything up, you'd still be here. You'd-a never had to jump. What makes you think I can do any better now?
You can't think... Spike, you almost died for Dawn, for me. You would have died for us. You put your life on the line, and you think you failed us? Failed me? You're wrong. So completely wrong.
I'm so sorry, love.
There's nothing for you to be sorry about. Nothing.
Her hands were gliding over him again, soothing him, and her thoughts tried to ease his doubts, his guilt.
(((edited)))
You're strong here. Her hand stroked over the beautifully muscled length of his arms. All that power.
You're strong here. She laid her hand over his unbeating heart. All that love.
And you're strong here. Her hand moved to his head, brushed through his hair. Your mind is strong, vital. You're strong, Spike. My blood flows in you, will always flow in you now. Always. It makes you stronger. And you need to stay strong. I need you.
Give you anything, love. Do anything.
Sleep now. You need to sleep. You've been wearing yourself out, never allowing yourself to rest. You have to change that, take care of yourself.
Her mouth moved over his closed eyes, touching the lids in a soft caress. She was leaving, sliding away from him, and as always, he ached for her to stay. To stay. With him.
Please, love, stay. Stay.
Sleep and rest. You need to be strong. Be ready.
Love you, Buffy, so much. Know you don't feel…
Always so sure you know everything. Her thoughts interrupted his own, coming to him on a note of amusement. The dark, husky sound of her thoughts seemed to be becoming a part of the breeze that stirred the curtains at the window. She was leaving him, fading away, and her last thoughts, drawn out slowly, were so quiet in his mind he had to strain to hear them.
Spike… You think you know, what you are, what's to come… You haven't even begun.
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