P.S. The name 'Stay On The Outside' is a line in a song by Lisa Loeb. (It's How, in case you were interested.) It quite obviously means that Hermione gets closer to Severus as he helps but doesn't want him to.. (Just in case you were wondering..)
Stay On The Outside
Hermione stood outside of Snape's doors, medical book in hand. She wanted desperatly to walk in as he had just done moments ago and interupt whatever it was that he was doing to tell him that she no longer needed his books, even though the both of them knew that she did. She took a few steps in quitely, thinking of her meeting with Harry earlier the day before. Every time he thought of her reaction.. She wanted to risk Snape finding out what was going on even more. She couldn't bare seeing Harry's or Ron's face if she fell ill enough to land her in the hospital.
"You have.. what?", He had asked.
"Lupus.. It's a muggle disease. It causes me stiffness and dizzy spells and headaches. I tire easily. The side effects are quite uncomfortable.", she explained.
"Well.. Is it fatal?"
Hermione watched as his face twisted in panic or worrysome or quite possibly sadness. She couldn't identify what he was feeling- hell, she could barely identify what she was feeling. She knew that her breif pause seemed to make time go on forever for her friend, and she felt awful for it, but she needed time to think of how to word her answer.
"It could be.. If I don't take care of myself. Sunlight, as hard as it is to believe, is actually quite harmful to me. If I overwork myself, it could cause me to end up in the hospital. Lupus is more common than leukaemia, multiple sclerosis, and muscular dystrophy. It's more commonly found in woman. It's almost like a self-allergy.. My immune system is basically attacking my own body, and without the treatement it's quite possible that all my organs could be damaged to the point that they don't work anymore. But I promise you that I am taking care of myself."
"Hermione.. Is there a cure?"
She shook her head 'no'. "There's no muggle cure, but.. I'm working on the magical one. And I'm very close, actually.."
Thanks to Snape, she thought. She only stood for a few more seconds, finally gathering the courage to stand up to her old proffessor.
"Proffessor Snape?"
He turned around, slightly startled by her voice.
"Yes, Miss. Granger?"
"I was just returning your book.", Hermione answered. She held it out for him as he quickly walked over to her.
Severus placed it back where it belonged on the shelf, knowing exactly where it belonged. He turned around, barely seeing her leave as she was already trying to get as far away from that place as she could.
"Miss. Granger?"
She stopped walking away, but she refused to turn back.
"Yes, Proffessor Snape?"
"Well, weren't you going to look for another book?"
She stepped back into the room, fixing her old teacher with a deadly glare that said all things she didn't want to. "I found that the cons outweighed the pros."
"Hermione, I'm sorry I followed you. I'm simply interested in what it is that you are doing. Perhaps if you weren't so secretive about what it is that you wish to do, I could help. And I wouldn't have to follow you."
"I think we both know that what I'm doing is because you are in obvious trouble. Why won't you tell anyone?"
She took a deep breath. "Severus.. This is my buisness, and my buisness alone. If I wanted your help, then perhaps I would have asked. But until then.. Please just leave it be. I'm not ready to deal with this.."
Severus watched her as she left. He couldn't explain it, but he almost felt a twinge of hurt. She had used his name when wasn't angry. And like he said, she was obviously in trouble. Perhaps when it was finally revealed, he would be able to forget it. But for now, his curiosity got the best of him.
He reached for the book he had just put away. Setting to work, he grabbed various herbs for a potion. If she wouldn't tell him what she was researching, perhaps his book would.
Hermione had found a simple charm that would allow her to play any music she wanted without any machine. She can remember finding it months ago, simply reading for enjoyment. Before she knew of her.. illness
She thought back to the day that she found out she was sick. She had been sleeping in more than usual, going to bed way too early. She'd wake up feeling stiff, in pain, and she would constantly find herself fighting a terrible headache along with dizzy spells. She can't remember what made her so sure it had to be a muggle disease, but.. Something deep inside her told her that it couldn't have come from her magical world. And when she was on vacation one year with her parents, she just knew she had to get to a doctor..
And then she found out.
And her entire world changed.
She heard the muggle music she had been playing come to an end. That had been what started her thoughts of her disease in the first place. She simply closed her eyes and willed the music to start again. Usually whatever was in the air didn't ever make it into her thoughts, but just then the lyrics to the song were entering her mind and refused to leave. Something by a singer named Lisa Loeb... The Way It Really Is.. Not a particularly happy song, but it was nice.
She smiled at that thought. A nice sort of depression. It almost seemed like an oxymoron.
Her thoughts were interupted. She looked down at the potion she had started hours ago. It was almost complete. She needed a few more ingrediants, but needed much more research to figure it out. She had already combed through every book in the library, and it had take much too much of her energy to apparte to Harry yesterday. She wouldn't be able to go anywhere until, well.. Until a week or so. It looked like she had no choice. She would have to find Severus and ask for a book.
Better now than never.., Hermione told herself.
She set out down the dark hallways, walking towards the dungeons. The sun had set recently and supper would be served soon. If she wanted to catch him before then, she would have to walk fast. Of course, not having to watch him watch her all supper long might be put off if she waited until after. But then again, he would probably stare at her either way, after she had been rude to him for the first time for no reason.
Agh.. Just do it, Hermione told herself. Without a knock, Hermione entered Severus's personal quarters.
Although, now that she was there, she was suddenly at a loss for words. She looked around. It seemed like he had brewed a potion of some sort. For what, she did not know. However, she knew that when he was doing something more personal than buisness, he liked to be left alone. Or maybe she was just thinking that so that she could back down and not feel cowardly about it. She wasn't really sure why she didn't want to go through with this. Ever since she learned she was sick, she had looked at things in a different way. And if she had to guess, she would have to say that she didn't want Severus to know, because he didn't care. Hermione knew she hated sympathy, pity. But if the person offering the emtion didn't care, it wasn't sympathy, and she didn't want to expierence whatever it might be.
She wasn't sure how long he had known she was there, but she had stopped thinking long enough to notice that he had turned around.
What was he thinking? Was he wondering why she was there?
Why did she care?
"Yes.. Hermione?", he asked.
"I need a book."
He gestured over to his book cases, allowing her to freely look at everything. It didn't take her long to realize that the book she had borrowed earlier was missing.
"Is the potion to figure out what I was researching?", she asked.
"You're smarter than I ever gave you credit for."
"Lupus."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I was researching lupus.", she said again. He would know soon enough anyway. Why not just tell him what he wanted to hear. She would even take it one step further and tell him why she was researching lupus. "My mother's fallen ill and the doctor's aren't sure if it's lupus or not, but I would like be ready just in case."
What did she just say?
She wasn't sick? Her mother was?
Well, now. Everything seemed to make a whole lot of sense.
"I'm sorry, Hermione. I wish you the best of luck with your cure."
She nodded polietly and walked over to the shelves. What had she just done? She lied to her old proffessor about her mother? What the hell was she thinking!?!?
She found a book that she hadn't looked through yet and thought might help her. With any luck, she would find the last bits of information to find the cure.
She looked to him. "This one should be fine. Oh, and Severus.. I haven't told anyone about the illness. I'd appreciate it if you would keep this to yourself. I don't want people to make a big deal out of it."
Severus nodded. "If that's what you want."
"Thank you. For your silence, and for the book."
She walked out the door.
What was she thinking?
It looks like my body's not the only thing that's sick.., Hermione thought. My mind could certianly use a good potion to get rid of that nasty habbit of lying..
Hermione lay in bed that night, thinking of the night she told her parents that she was sick. They were the first to know. By then she had done a lot of research on what lupus is, and while it may not be as fatal as many types of cancer, it would considerably shorten her lifespan. Some of the smallest things like running around outside for hours would land her right in the hospital. She told all of this to her parents, and they begged her not to go back to Hogwarts to teach. They wanted her to stay at home to take care of her, but Hermione knew just because she was sick she couldn't stop living altogether.
Then she thought of Harry again.. He had taken the new better than she thought he would. Better than she knew Ron would.
Ron. She still wasn't sure how to get a hold of him. Not even Harry knew where Ron was. That wasn't strange- Ron's work required his privacy. She just hoped that she would get a hold of him soon.
Soon.., her mind echoed. I should probably finish my research soon. There's not much left..
And with thinking like that, Hermione found the most recent book that she had borrowed and started reading, jotting something down every now and then. It was late, but she didn't care. All that mattered was the cure..
She skipped breakfast that morning. She had finally finished with it- all of it. She knew everything about Lupus that morning. She knew exactly how to cure it. And she skipped breakfast so that she could brew her potion. She added in the last of the ingrediants, making note of everything she had used. She materialized a folder to hold all of her findings in, carefully throwing in the papers and finding a drawer to keep them in. Her potion needed to cool before she could drink it. Understandable, as this was the case with most potions. And all of this was why she had saught out Severus that morning.
She handed him his book, a smile on her face.
"What are you so happy about, Miss. Granger?", Severus asked, putting the book where it belonged.
"I did it- I found the cure. Pretty soon things will be alright.", she answered, annoyingly happy (as per usual).
She stopped bouncing up and down, waiting for a reaction from Severus. It was another of those moments that seemed like for the first time things weren't going fast. To him, all of this probably seemed so sudden. But then again, she had been working on this for months, and she knew that she should be proud of her accomplishments.
"Nothing to say, Severus?"
"Other than congragulations, no."
She narrowed her eyes and glared at him. She didn't need him to be happy, anyway.
"I'm off.. I've got to give the potion to my mother.", Hermione said as she left again. She had wanted some sort of recognition from her old potions master. She had assumed that he would be proud of her, after all.. He did teach her everything she knew.
"I wish you the best of luck.", he called after her.
He was proud of her.
She smiled. Breifly, but she smiled.
Now to test her potion..
She swallowed quickly, not wanting the potion that would obviously have a foul taste to touch her throat. She felt dizzy- nothing new. She sat on her bed, overcome with a sudden burst of light that seemed to only be directly in her eyes. It had no source; it came from no where. She couldn't tell if there was anything beyond the light. She didn't even know what was going on. But the light was bright. Bright had to be good.
Dark was evil.
Bright was good.
The light was bright. It had to be good. It just had to be.
Hermione wasn't sure if she passed out from the light or if she simply can't remember what happened then, but when she woke up she knew. She wasn't sure how, but she just knew.
Now what was she going to do?