Stay On The Outside
Hermione lay in bed that night, thinking of her failed cure. She just couldn't understand what she had done wrong. All her research, all her ingrediants.. It should have worked. There was no reason for it not to work. All her research.. It was right. And it had all been a waste. This just was not fair.
This won't do me any good.., Hermione told herself. I need to concentrate. I need to keep my head straight. Sitting around and wondering what I did wrong will not do me any good. I need to find out what I did wrong.
Of course, even when she knew this, she still knew that she wouldn't be able to just get up and start working again. She was tired; a result of staying up all night and skipping breakfast. On one hand she was thinking, "How could you be so careless?", but on the other, she wasn't thinking of anything other than her disappointment.
Concentrate.., she told herself.
But concentration never came.
At lunchtime, Hermione spent more time humming than talking. She thought of herself as an obvserver; watching everything, not really there. Every now and then she would join in and share her opinions, commenting on whether or not the weather was unusually hot that summer. It almost seemed as though she was invisible and wasn't really there. The only thing that made her positive of her existance at the lunch time was Professor Snape's stares, which she caught every now and then.
"Is there something I can do for you, sir?", she asked discreetly, still playing with the salad on her plate. He shook his head, feeling the need for a private conversation also. "Then perhaps you could stop staring at me."
He nodded.
He stared.
"Is there anything you're wondering about? At all?"
"Have you had a chance to give your potion to your mother?", Severus asked.
They were the first words he had said to her all day long, and they were the words that Hermione had wanted to hear least. They forced her to think back of all the time she put into her research, think of all the faith she had put into the potion, think of her failure. His words struck several nerves on several levels, but she would never let him know. She couldn't let him know. She couldn't let anyone know.
"Yes, and no.. It did not work. I failed."
"Miss. Granger, are you sure you do not want my help?"
Why was he offering? Again? Not even Severus knew the answer. He would just say that she spent all that time for nothing and actually felt something akin to sorrow that she had failed. And contrary to popular belief, Severus did feel sorrow. It came in small amounts and only once in a great while, but it definitly came. So that was all he was feeling towards this woman that seemed heartbroken next to him.
"I told you before; I'm fine. Besides, I don't think I'll continue. It was silly to believe that I could really cure my mother."
"If you ever change your mind..", he answered.
She nodded slightly. "Yes, thank you."
She smiled shyly at him. She wasn't expecting him to smile back; she hadn't seen him do it once in the twelve years she had known him. She'd seen smirks, but not smiles. And still, she saw him make an attempt. The corners of his mouth twitched, trying they're hardest to lift into a position they had not been in for a very long time. This encouraged her and made her smile wider.
"You know, I do believe that the weather has actually been cooler then it was last year.", Hermione announced to the staff.
They stared at her as if she was crazy.
She wandered back into her room that night, tired as hell from the entire day. She wasn't sure if it was a feeling coming from her disease, or if it was a an actual tired feeling, directly coming from the events of the day.
She fell onto her bed, sighing. This was the best part of any day. Falling back and being able to say, "It's all over." She wouldn't have to do anything she didn't want to for another..
She looked to the right to ask what the time was from her clock when something caught her eye.
Her notes. The ones that she had used to try and determine the anti-Lupus potion. The potion that had failed.
She sat up, debating whether she should or not. The last few weeks of gathering had taken a lot out of her. If she did it again...
She walked towards her desk, picking up the few scattered bits of paper. Her eyes immediatly started skimming the words she had taken down. Her research was still good. She just needed a new plan for the potion. Picking up a pen and a notebook, the ones she brought with her for personal use to avoid spilling ink in the middle of the night, she started rewriting down key phrases, like..
She didn't have enough time to start. As she sat down, an owl flew into her room and dropped a letter on her lap. It was Pig; Ron's owl.
As if she was trying to beat some sort of a record, Hermione grabbed the letter and started reading.
Dear Hermione,
In town for a little while. Harry said you wanted to tell me something. I'll meet you at The Three Broomsticks tomorrow at noon, if you can. If you can't, send note with Pig.
Lot of love,
Ron
Hermione smiled at his note. Quick and messy, much like her friend.
Of course she would meet him at noon tomorrow. She hadn't seen him for a long while and desperatly needed to see someone her age. No offense to her colleagues, but she was going stiff from being bored. Not that she wasn't already stiff, but still..
Despite the quick message and the long years between any contact, Hermione felt a new inspiration to finish her potion. But she would need help.
She sighed. Admiting was hard enough, admiting that she needed his help was harder.
She would ask tomorrow.
Err..., Hermione's anger sizzled as she came into view just outside of the Hogwarts School grounds with a barely audible 'pop'. How could he act like that? I didn't purposly wait to tell him last! He is not last, anyway. It's not like he's the easiest person to get a hold of, anyways. He should have been in contact if he wanted to know everything..
As she walked towards the gates, Hermione looked around her. She hadn't even noticed getting that close to the school. Her mind had been too full of the meeting she just came from. After Hermione told Ron about being sick, he started throwing wild accusations right and left. He had immediatly apologized, realizing however hard it was for him to be losing his best friend, it was harder for her to be losing her life, but his words still stung. She had moved on from being hurt to being pissed off, and only wished that he was there now so that he could expierence her rath.
She breathed deeply, allowing the extra anger to just leave. She would hold onto a little, but only so that she wouldn't be afraid to yell at Snape when she asked for his help and he made a sarcastic comment.
It was like her thoughts were bringing her to where she wanted to go that day, because Hermione found herself outside of Snape's quarters rather quickly. Again, his door was open. For a man who liked his privacy, he left his door open a lot.
She cleared his throat to get his attention.
He looked up from the book he was looking at, shocked that anyone was there. "Yes, Miss. Granger?"
She smiled. "You know, for someone who suggests a first name basis, you have a hard time following through yourself."
"Fine then. Yes, Hermione?"
She hesitated. Now that she was here, was this really a good idea? She'd have to continue her lie, and she might slip up. She might end up telling him that she was the one with lupus, not her mother.
It's worth it, Hermione told herself.
"Well, you see.. It's just that..", Hermione stuttered.
"Hermione, if you actually need me for something then please; spit it out. Otherwise, I have work that I need to do."
Well, if his work is so important, then he can just continue working on it- I should have known that his offer wasn't sincere.., she thought with anger.
"I was just coming to see if you would still help me with my potion, but I clearly would just be in your way, and I don't want to have to owe you anything. I'm terrified to think what you might make me do. After all, punishment for you was always the worst."
She turned around, prepared to leave, and walked towards the door again. She felt Severus walk over and grab her arm, but it barely registered in her mind. She was too busy staring at the door, which was now standing perfectly still, but Hermione swore she felt it moving. She suddenly felt weak and stiff. She needed to sit down. If only.. If only there was a place that she could find.
"Mmm.", Hermione whimpered as her body went limp. She fell backwards into Severus's arms.
"Hermione?", he asked.
No response.
"Hermione!"
That time Severus practically yelled. What the hell was happening? Why was Hermione fainting? He paniced and started trying to wake her up immediatly, shaking her. Of course, he got no results. Picking up the small body that was her, he knew he had to get her to Madam Pomfrey.
It seemed as if he could fly as he walked down those corriders.