TITLE × Road Trip, Cheese, and Breathing on the Glass
RATING × R for language
GENRE × Humor
SUMMARY × For some reason, Yugi and friends are traveling to California (don't ask how so in only an SUV). Hilarity (or lack thereof) ensues.
WARNINGS × Shounen ai, stupidity, a hint of random, very OOC-ness, it could be AU, and everyone-bashing. Yay.
AUTHOR'S NOTE ××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
Okay, Calculator didn't work out. *points to the decapitated rubber chicken in the background. I have no idea what happened!!! Imma just gotta hafta blame Joey. Bad chihuahua!!!
Joey: Wha-- HEY!!!!!!!!!!!! O
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
DISCLAIMER × I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, but my sister has a Yugi Starter Deck! She gave the Celtic Guardian away to a friend, so I bought a Japanese Shallow Grave magic card from a vending machine and added it to the deck! That counts... right? ^^;;
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
############### flashback (oh dearie-me!) ###############
"Let's leave him behind!" cried Tristan in a total fit of inspiration. It must've been the cheese.
"What a great idea!" Kaiba floored the acceleration pedal and drove off. "MUAHAHAhahahahaaa..." he laughed, freaking everyone else out.
"Ooooookay..." stated Téa. A few moments later, they could hear the cry of an angry Yami piercing the atmosphere.
"I'll geeeeeeeeeeeeeet yooooooooooooooooou!!!!!!!!!! And your little dog toooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"
############### end flashback (yeah yeah, enough wastin' space.) ###############
"Did 'e jest call meh a lil dog?!?!" asked Joey, indignant.
"Aw don't worry Joey! I'll protect ya!!!" said Tristan in reply, hugging him.
"Gaw, getchur hands offah meh! What dat cheese do ta ya?!" Joey shouted in horror, pushing his friend off him.
"Ow! Joey, I'll get you for that!" cried Téa as Tristan fell against her in a crumpled heap. Mokuba, sensing the tension in the backseat, jumped over the second seat into Ryou's lap.
"Hey Ryou!" He split his face in half with an ear-to-ear grin. C'mon everybody, in 3, 2, 1... Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww........!!!
"Why, g'day to you too, chap! Isn't it just wonderful this mornin', love?" answered Ryou in his nonexistent British accent.
Kaiba (again) stupidly turned his head away from the road to face Ryou and Mokuba. "What have I told you with aquainting yourself with the enemy?!?!"
"KAAAAAAIIIIBAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ryou screamed in a prissy-sissy-girly-scream.
Kaiba whipped his head back round, just to avoid the obstacle at the last second by flooring the brake. Hard.
The van's rear end flew up six feet, enough to have everyone's head bump against the ceiling. Everyone but Yugi that is, because he's so short it would take more force than a 6.7 Richter scale earthquake to make him fly up that high.
"Hey! That's not nice," Yugi cried.
Too bad. Life's tough, you'll live through it.
Yugi's lower lip flew out in a pout and trembled.
Anyways, where were we? Ah, yes, the obstacle. A mile long line of fuzzy little duckies were crossing the street... Uh oh, that means...
"DUCKIES!!!" Mokuba, the duck-crazed adolescent flew out of the SUV faster than you can yell in a corny Kiyone-voice "Galaxy Police Force! Freeze!" and started gathering the cute yellow little baby ducks in his arms and clothing.
"Quack!" "Peep!" "Squeak!" "Honk!" "Arf... I mean, uh, Quack!"
"Mokuba, put those ducks down!" Kaiba and the others got out of the vehicle to join the boy.
"Oh, they're so cute!" Téa picked one up in her hand and cuddled it up to her face. "Ow! It bit my nose!"
"Aye, Tristan, ya know wad I'm dinkin'?" Joey glanced over at Tristan.
Tristan licked his lips. "Ooooh yeaaah..."
"Sauteed duck breast..."
"Peking duck..."
"Duck soup..."
"Preserved duck egg-flavored porridge..."
"What are you boys doing?!" a policeman cried, scaring the shit out of several gray and yellow ducklings splashing around in a puddle of Tristan and Joey's saliva.
"Wha-? Oh yechh!" Joey took a live peeper out of his mouth; it flew out of his hand and off to join its mummy dearest.
"You three boys are going against local ordinance 62, collecting live ducks out of their natural habitat. I'm gonna have to arrest all of you." The law enforcer wrote something down on a ticket and tore it off his pad. "Hey... you kids get back here!"
"Suckeeerrrrrrrrrr!" Several teenagers stuck their tongue out and pulled their eyelids at him from the window on the back of a certain sports utility vehicle, which was now speeding down the road at 100 miles per hour and leaving a cloud of dust. (Run-on sentences! Fun-ness!)
"Gosh darnit, they got away!" The policeman bent down to pet a baby duck. "Heeey, they're pretty cute!" Looking in all directions, the guy put one of the fluffiest in his hat, and got back on his motorcycle. He sped off in the opposite direction of the van.
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
"853 wedges of cheese on the wall, 853 wedges of cheeeeeeese!!! You take one down and pass it around, and now you have 852 wedges of cheese on the wall!" everyone but Seto sang.
"Stop it! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!! I've kept this up for 147 cheese wedges, but it ends right NOW! NOW!!!!!!!" Kaiba yelled, facing them.
"Kaiba! The road, the road!!!" Ryou shouted.
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! WHAT NOW!!!!!" He put on the brakes immediately.
"I see golden arches!" Ryou said in reply. Everyone sweatdropped and fell down anime-style.
"We love to see you smile!" sang Mokuba as they all got out of the car and into McDonald's. Kaiba ordered while everyone else tried to find a seat. They ended up taking two booths, Téa, Tristan, Joey, Yugi and Ryou in one, and the Kaiba brothers in a smaller one.
"Fries!!!" Joey stuck fries up his nose and in his ears. "Bloopity bloopity bloopity blaaaah!!!" he warbled.
"Joey, you're so immature!" Téa smacked him upside the head. The fries flew onto the floor.
"Nooooooo!!! Whadda waste o' fries!" He bent down to pick them up, only to have Tristan take it out from his fingers. "Heeey! Dose ah MAH fries!"
"Were," said the smug spike-headed boy as he chomped down on them.
"Ewwwwww.........." said everyone else, grossed out.
Yeah, they ate, blah blah blah. Oh yeah, and in case you were wondering, Tristan had a Double Cheeseburger. CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!!! Sorry.
After they ate, Mokuba and Yugi ran off to play in the playplace while the rest just rambled around bored. Seto grabbed Joey for a 'man-to-man' talk and they sat down in a two-seater, facing each other.
"Joey..." Kaiba started off in a weak voice. He cleared his voice and started over again. "Joey... this is hard to say but... I need something of yours."
"Somedang o' mines? What wouldja want from meh?" asked Joey.
"I'll pay anything you ask. I promise," he took the confused blonde's hands in his own slender fingers and leaned in closer to Joey's face.
"Joey..." He paused, for suspense, for emphasis, or to enjoy the sensation of Joey's breath on his face, Ra only knows. "I want you... to give me..."
"Hey Joey!!!" A yellow playball bounced off Joey's messed up hair.
"Wha-- Tristan! I'll getchu fer dat!" Joey ran off toward his friend to start a ball war.
"Damn..." Seto leaned back against the uncomfortable plastic seat and massaged his temples. "Looks like I'll never get to his Red Eyes Black Dragon."
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
"Stupid boys. Getting us kicked out of McDonald's..." Téa grumbled.
"Well, it's not like we'll ever get to this one ever again. I mean, we are a long long way from home," Tristan shrugged off the matter. Joey nodded in agreement.
"Where are we anyways?" wondered Yugi.
Kaiba peered down at the map he held in his hands. "Looks like we're somewhere in the lush forests of South America..."
"Yah moron! Yer holdin' dah map upside-down!" Joey grabbed the paper out of his grasp. "Wuh in dah US, s'all I kin tell."
"Who cares?" said Ryou. "Anyways, the sky's getting dark. We should find a hotel to stay or something."
"Wha-?! Howddat happ'n?! We jest et lunch!" Joey said, his jaw dropping.
"Hmm... Maybe it has something to do with the fact this is being written by a person who doesn't care about realism in the fic," said Téa sadly.
"Uhh... yah."
"Or maybe it's just time zones."
".....Yah, that too."
"Hey, lookit there, everybody! A hotel!" Mokuba pointed to a hotel behind them that was conveniently placed where McDonald's was a few minutes ago. It was all dark and creepy and lightning flashed behind it, lighting up the caved-in porch and boarded windows. Think Scooby-Doo.
A black cat ran by, "Rrrryaaow!!!"
"Ugh... Do we really have to go into THAT?" asked Tristan.
"Are you SCARED, Tristan?" teased Yugi.
"Am not! Let's go!" He marched over to the porch and looked at it skeptically. There was an awkward silence, apparently he was making up his mind.
"Scaredy-caaaaaaaaaaaaat..." Yugi sang softly.
"I am NOT a kitty! I'll wipe that smirk off your face, you just watch!" yelled Tristan, sounding a disturbingly lot like Joey. He jumped onto the porch...
and fell through the floor.
"Tristan!!!" cried everybody watching, their eyebrows shooting ten feet off their head. A sickening thud -clearly the end of the fall- cut Tristan's scream into pieces, then, silence.
"Well, now we HAVE to lodge in that hotel," Yugi pointed out.
"Aaaaaaaaaaargh, Imma kill Tristan fer dis!!!" shouted Joey.
"Yeah," said Téa, "but at least he showed us where not to step."
"Oh, yeah... danks, Tristan!" said Joey.
The door creaked open, inviting them in. Seto led the way into the lobby, taking note of the threadbare carpet, the faded wallpaper and the cobwebs in the corner. 'Huh, I could demolish this area and build some public duelist arenas—'
SLAM!!!
"The door!!!" cried Téa, hugging onto an uncomfortable Ryou.
'No duh, thanks for pointing out the obvious,' thought the silver-haired boy as he tapped the cool looking nub on top of the dome on the bell that makes it go 'ding.' He turned to the bead-covered doorway behind the counter and gasped.
"Hello my friends, how is your day?" said the mime, a crooked smile on his powder-covered face. Well, he would've said that if he wasn't a mime, but he was, and y'all know how mimes are.
"Uhh, we'd like three rooms, please," stammered Yugi.
The mime elaborately waved his hand about, holding up one finger (no, he's not flippin' them off, peoples). He then jumped, landed on the ball of one foot, and fell sideways.
"Oh, I know dis one... Umm, uhh... a fish went inta yah pants an' yah fainted!!!" said Joey triumphantly. Everyone fell anime-style.
"No, you moron! He said there was only one room left, all the others have collapsed!" said Téa, hitting him upside the head.
"Well, let's go then!!!" cried the ever-cheerful Mokuba, grabbing the key from the mime and skipping off to their assigned room.
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
What horrors will face the Digidestined in the decadent hotel? Wait wrong show, umm... Yeah, like, what will happen next? In the place, I mean. So like, and where's Tristan? And Yami? Like, stay tuned for the next stupid chapter of this stupid fic, but first youse gotta stupidly click the stupid lil stupid button and stupidly tell stupid me how stupid this stupid fic was. Got that? Good... stupid.
RATING × R for language
GENRE × Humor
SUMMARY × For some reason, Yugi and friends are traveling to California (don't ask how so in only an SUV). Hilarity (or lack thereof) ensues.
WARNINGS × Shounen ai, stupidity, a hint of random, very OOC-ness, it could be AU, and everyone-bashing. Yay.
AUTHOR'S NOTE ××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
Okay, Calculator didn't work out. *points to the decapitated rubber chicken in the background. I have no idea what happened!!! Imma just gotta hafta blame Joey. Bad chihuahua!!!
Joey: Wha-- HEY!!!!!!!!!!!! O
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
DISCLAIMER × I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, but my sister has a Yugi Starter Deck! She gave the Celtic Guardian away to a friend, so I bought a Japanese Shallow Grave magic card from a vending machine and added it to the deck! That counts... right? ^^;;
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
############### flashback (oh dearie-me!) ###############
"Let's leave him behind!" cried Tristan in a total fit of inspiration. It must've been the cheese.
"What a great idea!" Kaiba floored the acceleration pedal and drove off. "MUAHAHAhahahahaaa..." he laughed, freaking everyone else out.
"Ooooookay..." stated Téa. A few moments later, they could hear the cry of an angry Yami piercing the atmosphere.
"I'll geeeeeeeeeeeeeet yooooooooooooooooou!!!!!!!!!! And your little dog toooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"
############### end flashback (yeah yeah, enough wastin' space.) ###############
"Did 'e jest call meh a lil dog?!?!" asked Joey, indignant.
"Aw don't worry Joey! I'll protect ya!!!" said Tristan in reply, hugging him.
"Gaw, getchur hands offah meh! What dat cheese do ta ya?!" Joey shouted in horror, pushing his friend off him.
"Ow! Joey, I'll get you for that!" cried Téa as Tristan fell against her in a crumpled heap. Mokuba, sensing the tension in the backseat, jumped over the second seat into Ryou's lap.
"Hey Ryou!" He split his face in half with an ear-to-ear grin. C'mon everybody, in 3, 2, 1... Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww........!!!
"Why, g'day to you too, chap! Isn't it just wonderful this mornin', love?" answered Ryou in his nonexistent British accent.
Kaiba (again) stupidly turned his head away from the road to face Ryou and Mokuba. "What have I told you with aquainting yourself with the enemy?!?!"
"KAAAAAAIIIIBAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ryou screamed in a prissy-sissy-girly-scream.
Kaiba whipped his head back round, just to avoid the obstacle at the last second by flooring the brake. Hard.
The van's rear end flew up six feet, enough to have everyone's head bump against the ceiling. Everyone but Yugi that is, because he's so short it would take more force than a 6.7 Richter scale earthquake to make him fly up that high.
"Hey! That's not nice," Yugi cried.
Too bad. Life's tough, you'll live through it.
Yugi's lower lip flew out in a pout and trembled.
Anyways, where were we? Ah, yes, the obstacle. A mile long line of fuzzy little duckies were crossing the street... Uh oh, that means...
"DUCKIES!!!" Mokuba, the duck-crazed adolescent flew out of the SUV faster than you can yell in a corny Kiyone-voice "Galaxy Police Force! Freeze!" and started gathering the cute yellow little baby ducks in his arms and clothing.
"Quack!" "Peep!" "Squeak!" "Honk!" "Arf... I mean, uh, Quack!"
"Mokuba, put those ducks down!" Kaiba and the others got out of the vehicle to join the boy.
"Oh, they're so cute!" Téa picked one up in her hand and cuddled it up to her face. "Ow! It bit my nose!"
"Aye, Tristan, ya know wad I'm dinkin'?" Joey glanced over at Tristan.
Tristan licked his lips. "Ooooh yeaaah..."
"Sauteed duck breast..."
"Peking duck..."
"Duck soup..."
"Preserved duck egg-flavored porridge..."
"What are you boys doing?!" a policeman cried, scaring the shit out of several gray and yellow ducklings splashing around in a puddle of Tristan and Joey's saliva.
"Wha-? Oh yechh!" Joey took a live peeper out of his mouth; it flew out of his hand and off to join its mummy dearest.
"You three boys are going against local ordinance 62, collecting live ducks out of their natural habitat. I'm gonna have to arrest all of you." The law enforcer wrote something down on a ticket and tore it off his pad. "Hey... you kids get back here!"
"Suckeeerrrrrrrrrr!" Several teenagers stuck their tongue out and pulled their eyelids at him from the window on the back of a certain sports utility vehicle, which was now speeding down the road at 100 miles per hour and leaving a cloud of dust. (Run-on sentences! Fun-ness!)
"Gosh darnit, they got away!" The policeman bent down to pet a baby duck. "Heeey, they're pretty cute!" Looking in all directions, the guy put one of the fluffiest in his hat, and got back on his motorcycle. He sped off in the opposite direction of the van.
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
"853 wedges of cheese on the wall, 853 wedges of cheeeeeeese!!! You take one down and pass it around, and now you have 852 wedges of cheese on the wall!" everyone but Seto sang.
"Stop it! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!! I've kept this up for 147 cheese wedges, but it ends right NOW! NOW!!!!!!!" Kaiba yelled, facing them.
"Kaiba! The road, the road!!!" Ryou shouted.
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! WHAT NOW!!!!!" He put on the brakes immediately.
"I see golden arches!" Ryou said in reply. Everyone sweatdropped and fell down anime-style.
"We love to see you smile!" sang Mokuba as they all got out of the car and into McDonald's. Kaiba ordered while everyone else tried to find a seat. They ended up taking two booths, Téa, Tristan, Joey, Yugi and Ryou in one, and the Kaiba brothers in a smaller one.
"Fries!!!" Joey stuck fries up his nose and in his ears. "Bloopity bloopity bloopity blaaaah!!!" he warbled.
"Joey, you're so immature!" Téa smacked him upside the head. The fries flew onto the floor.
"Nooooooo!!! Whadda waste o' fries!" He bent down to pick them up, only to have Tristan take it out from his fingers. "Heeey! Dose ah MAH fries!"
"Were," said the smug spike-headed boy as he chomped down on them.
"Ewwwwww.........." said everyone else, grossed out.
Yeah, they ate, blah blah blah. Oh yeah, and in case you were wondering, Tristan had a Double Cheeseburger. CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!!! Sorry.
After they ate, Mokuba and Yugi ran off to play in the playplace while the rest just rambled around bored. Seto grabbed Joey for a 'man-to-man' talk and they sat down in a two-seater, facing each other.
"Joey..." Kaiba started off in a weak voice. He cleared his voice and started over again. "Joey... this is hard to say but... I need something of yours."
"Somedang o' mines? What wouldja want from meh?" asked Joey.
"I'll pay anything you ask. I promise," he took the confused blonde's hands in his own slender fingers and leaned in closer to Joey's face.
"Joey..." He paused, for suspense, for emphasis, or to enjoy the sensation of Joey's breath on his face, Ra only knows. "I want you... to give me..."
"Hey Joey!!!" A yellow playball bounced off Joey's messed up hair.
"Wha-- Tristan! I'll getchu fer dat!" Joey ran off toward his friend to start a ball war.
"Damn..." Seto leaned back against the uncomfortable plastic seat and massaged his temples. "Looks like I'll never get to his Red Eyes Black Dragon."
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
"Stupid boys. Getting us kicked out of McDonald's..." Téa grumbled.
"Well, it's not like we'll ever get to this one ever again. I mean, we are a long long way from home," Tristan shrugged off the matter. Joey nodded in agreement.
"Where are we anyways?" wondered Yugi.
Kaiba peered down at the map he held in his hands. "Looks like we're somewhere in the lush forests of South America..."
"Yah moron! Yer holdin' dah map upside-down!" Joey grabbed the paper out of his grasp. "Wuh in dah US, s'all I kin tell."
"Who cares?" said Ryou. "Anyways, the sky's getting dark. We should find a hotel to stay or something."
"Wha-?! Howddat happ'n?! We jest et lunch!" Joey said, his jaw dropping.
"Hmm... Maybe it has something to do with the fact this is being written by a person who doesn't care about realism in the fic," said Téa sadly.
"Uhh... yah."
"Or maybe it's just time zones."
".....Yah, that too."
"Hey, lookit there, everybody! A hotel!" Mokuba pointed to a hotel behind them that was conveniently placed where McDonald's was a few minutes ago. It was all dark and creepy and lightning flashed behind it, lighting up the caved-in porch and boarded windows. Think Scooby-Doo.
A black cat ran by, "Rrrryaaow!!!"
"Ugh... Do we really have to go into THAT?" asked Tristan.
"Are you SCARED, Tristan?" teased Yugi.
"Am not! Let's go!" He marched over to the porch and looked at it skeptically. There was an awkward silence, apparently he was making up his mind.
"Scaredy-caaaaaaaaaaaaat..." Yugi sang softly.
"I am NOT a kitty! I'll wipe that smirk off your face, you just watch!" yelled Tristan, sounding a disturbingly lot like Joey. He jumped onto the porch...
and fell through the floor.
"Tristan!!!" cried everybody watching, their eyebrows shooting ten feet off their head. A sickening thud -clearly the end of the fall- cut Tristan's scream into pieces, then, silence.
"Well, now we HAVE to lodge in that hotel," Yugi pointed out.
"Aaaaaaaaaaargh, Imma kill Tristan fer dis!!!" shouted Joey.
"Yeah," said Téa, "but at least he showed us where not to step."
"Oh, yeah... danks, Tristan!" said Joey.
The door creaked open, inviting them in. Seto led the way into the lobby, taking note of the threadbare carpet, the faded wallpaper and the cobwebs in the corner. 'Huh, I could demolish this area and build some public duelist arenas—'
SLAM!!!
"The door!!!" cried Téa, hugging onto an uncomfortable Ryou.
'No duh, thanks for pointing out the obvious,' thought the silver-haired boy as he tapped the cool looking nub on top of the dome on the bell that makes it go 'ding.' He turned to the bead-covered doorway behind the counter and gasped.
"Hello my friends, how is your day?" said the mime, a crooked smile on his powder-covered face. Well, he would've said that if he wasn't a mime, but he was, and y'all know how mimes are.
"Uhh, we'd like three rooms, please," stammered Yugi.
The mime elaborately waved his hand about, holding up one finger (no, he's not flippin' them off, peoples). He then jumped, landed on the ball of one foot, and fell sideways.
"Oh, I know dis one... Umm, uhh... a fish went inta yah pants an' yah fainted!!!" said Joey triumphantly. Everyone fell anime-style.
"No, you moron! He said there was only one room left, all the others have collapsed!" said Téa, hitting him upside the head.
"Well, let's go then!!!" cried the ever-cheerful Mokuba, grabbing the key from the mime and skipping off to their assigned room.
××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××
What horrors will face the Digidestined in the decadent hotel? Wait wrong show, umm... Yeah, like, what will happen next? In the place, I mean. So like, and where's Tristan? And Yami? Like, stay tuned for the next stupid chapter of this stupid fic, but first youse gotta stupidly click the stupid lil stupid button and stupidly tell stupid me how stupid this stupid fic was. Got that? Good... stupid.