Title: Raging Numb

Autor: CrashOverride

Rating: PG

Part VI: Hope's Interference

When I awoke, I don't remember how I had gotten back to my dorm room, or what time it was, how long I had been out, or what day it was. However due to the timing of the mission, I believed it to be later that day. Though, it scares me as to how I could not have awaken as they unchained me and brought me from the room…. ' I must have been thoroughly exhausted…. But still….' I thought unnerving.

Standing, I went to the bathroom, changed and began emptying out my pockets. It wasn't until I looked down at the miscellaneous items that the light bulb in my brain had turned on and was now flashing bright red. "THE DISK!" Franticly I began searching through my cloths again, before running around the room, searching every nook and cranny. After I had turned the room upside down 4 times, I fell back against the wall, sliding down slowly, pain evident on my face. ' All…. All my work…. My thoughts…. Reports…. Everything… pictures… memories…. Information… all of my life was on that disk…. Maybe boys down cry…. But my god… I just lost everything….' I thought trying to stifle an escaping sob unsuccessfully.

I don't know how long I huddled against the wall, sobbing silently, but I do know, some time later Heero entered the room. At first he didn't see me, and went about his routine for going to bed, but once he had changed he glanced towards where I was curled against the wall, my eyes were shut tightly, but I could sense his eyes on me.

"Duo..?" he asked uncertainty riddled in his voice. I almost laughed then, always wanting to hear emotion in his voice, such a sad emotion though broke my heart, especially since it was directed towards me. I knew that I might be more sensitive to certain things then most boys my age, but my god, that didn't mean I was any less of a man.

I heard him step towards me cautiously, slowly, I backed up against the wall, shaking. I didn't know why I was shaking. It was almost as if everything on that disk had kept me sane. Kept me going, always wanting more than I had. It gave me a reason to survive. Now it was gone…all the memories that I had tried to suppress came back with vengeance. I was vaguely aware that I began to tremble violently as Heero reached out and touched my shoulder. Though I relaxed, groping tightly at his chest as he picked me up and placed me on his bed. He tried to move away, but I whimpered and clutched onto him fiercely. Though somehow, Heero managed to get himself free and I felt so lost. I knew he was gone a matter of moments, turning off the lights and finishing his routine, before I was back in his arms, rocking back and forth against his warmth. Try as I might though, the memories did not leave once I was asleep. I cried out desperately for the void… the blackness I had grown accustom to, though it never came. I felt the pain. The sorrow. The pity. The agony. The rage. Every possible feeling that I felt during every horrible memory that came firing at me. And I broke. Its funny that when I broke I remember a certain entry on that disk where I had tried to explain what it was like when I was broken…..

It's hard to describe what I mean when I say I am broken, or I broke. It's like having a sudden draining of all feeling. Where you travel to the recesses of your mind. Its not dark or light. There's not color or shade. It's just… empty? There is nothing, and you are nothing, but at the same time there is everything you can think of there but not. When I brake… I follow this path. Slowly walking in silence along this invisible path to an unknown destination. With each step something leaves me. First it's the pain. Then the sorrow. Depression. Anger. Guilt. Loneliness. Hope. Happiness. Joy. Life. One by one all the emotions escape me. I stop every once in a while trying to understand why I am doing what I am doing, but then again it comes to me saying this is what I asked for. "This is the void you wanted." And indeed it was always right.

There have been only two people that have brought me out of my mind and back to the true reality when I had become broken. When my soul had shattered and my heart was no where to be found, for the pieces were just too small to search for. Both of those people had died… because of me. If I break again…I don't know how I would come back…I don't believe even Heero…Or Quatre would be able to get me back. It would be a miracle if they even knew what was going on.

I had found though, when I get into this void, my mind clears considerably. It's easier to think. To listen to nature. To believe what your heart tells you about your life. There is no doubt in its logic. There are no questions demanding to be answered. Just simple facts that help bring me to peace. It's a simple place where I can gather my good memories, and play them over and over again. Living in a illusionary world where everyone is how I wanted them to be, and my life is perfect.

As the first day in my perfect world comes to an end now though. I think about the life that I have given up. The vegetable that my body will become until it dies. I have laughed at the thought of just waking up one day in the hospital, with doctors asking me questions as to how I could be in a coma, by my own free will. Always with that thought though I frown. In my void when I am broken, I am in that state aren't I? A veggie. In a coma, still giving my friends hope that I might awake from this perfect world into their tragedy of a life. It always comes then. This rushing sensation of grief and guilt. If I could find away to just die in this world I would have a long time ago. But once again I am unable to find a why that will work with out waking up. For I have tried many different ways. I believe there is a way though, and maybe some day I will find it, but for now I have the choice, of gaining consciousness, or staying in my disillusion.

In the end…I always return, waiting for the once voice to piece through my world, begging…no…ordering me to come back to them. Saying the words over and over. As always, I have learned. Anything broken can be fixed…in time…

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Heero's POV

Its been 2 weeks since I found Duo in his vegetation state. Its odd when the boy is silent in a room, breathing, eyes wide open, but if you take a closer look, you can see the dilation. You can see the ghastly pale skin. And I can see the dull eyes that were once so bright with life, love, and some happiness. Its eerie now, in this room as I work on rendering the mission for only 4 pilots now, that its so quiet. I look over at him every once in a while, while typing, hoping to see some life in the braided boy that I have grown fond of. As always, there is no such luck. I hope… its odd that I do that now, but I hope for everyone sakes that he comes back to us.

Currently though, I have been skimming through his disk for any help as to what has happened to him. I have read all the passages where he states that he is broken. I believe that is what is mind set is now, though I still haven't found a way to bring him back. I have analyze all the information but still no solution have come into play. Even Quatre and the others are lost, by all means, we know nothing of how to help our friend. 'ha…. Friend, can we even call him that…. I doubt we even fit such a statement. We can't be considered his friends… we pushed him into this state…. We made him what he is right now. Ha… a friend indeed we are….' I thought miserably.

Standing I made my way over to Duo, and sat next him on the bed, staring into his vacant violet eyes.

"Are we you friends?… Did we brake you? It was not my intention… never would it be my intention to brake you… or harm you…." I whispered to him softly, brushing a few bangs out of his eyes.

"I remember her voice you know…My mothers… that is how I know I was human somewhere inside myself… She was singing this soft tune, to get me to sleep. I guess it was a lullaby but I can't really remember. It was utterly soothing to me though…. And for the life of me I can't remember the words right now… You helped keep me human too…. Even if I don't show it…You rile up emotions in myself that I have never felt…. Its odd… I never though I would be jealous of you. But I am…. Just for the knowledge that you can keep us all acting like teens when in a war meant for adults. I think that is why you play the joker. Trying to lighten us up. Making sure we know when it is time to be a solider and when it is time to act our own age… no one else would have been able to pull it off…." I shifted slightly, bring my lips to his forehead. Moving back, I stared into his eyes smiling slightly. "You didn't fail at my mission Duo… I just never showed you the accomplished work…." It was after I whispered that, when I got up to leave that an idea came to my mind. Turn back to the braided baka, I spoke sternly," everything broken can be fixed, now if you don't get back here with in the next five minutes, I will have Deathsyeth Hell destroyed by me. And every single piece that is left will be sent to OZ, to create new weaponry that will kill me along with the others. So wake up or kill us all to heel with your gundam indirectly!" I stared, waiting for any response holding my breath. As the minutes ticked by so did my hope of ever getting Duo back. I turned to get off his bed, when his arm forcefully grabbed my shoulder and brought my face within an inch of his.

"If you every touch my gundam…. I will kill you… but not before turning Wing into scrap metal and your laptop into a toaster that I will send it to Relena!"

If this has any errors, please disreguard, I will look over it once again and repost with eroor free stuff but for now enjoy and review tell me you guys are reading this!!! Thanks to Deathwraith and Anime Echo once agian for all their support!!

CrashOverride