Author: CrashOverride
Title: Raging Numb
Warnings: Yes I know it has been a while however I promise.... I will try to get you more parts soon. Writers block has been lifted and I found thing on my desk top after a wonderful IM message from a concerned reader. Tootles. Crash.
Rating: PG
XII: Musings
When I was brought back here, I thought it would be easier you know. Like I was free once again, nothing could stop me. Nothing. But I have come to realize that I am quite wrong. I believe now that nothing but time will take away everything that has happened in the past few months. Lately, I have just stopped. Well, living. Its been days since I last spoke, and ate. I wander a lot now. Kinda like a lost soul. Moving from room to room, taking up time. Right now the sun is setting, its magical. I have been sketching the sunrise and sets for the past few days from different places. Today its the roof. In the background beyound the forest that surrounds us, is a the brief sight of the small town we get our supplies from. From here it looks deserted, but I believe its just my perspective.
Once done with the sketch I look back on the other pages. There are several images of the others, doing different things. Trowa reading and working on his gundam. Wufei meditating and praticing with his swords. Quatre playing his violin and cooking. Heero sitting at his laptop, sleeping, and sitting in a tree. It's odd when I look back on these perfect captures of time. I try to remember when I smiled and laughed. Did a prank and hung out with the others. However nothing comes to mind. I guess thats what happens.
I remember one time when I was on a mission with Heero. On our way back to our safe house, we had turned to an oldies station, my favorite, and listened in compaionable silence. They had just ended three doors down, kryponite and began Eagle eye cherry, Save tonight. During those brief moments, I remember him smiling, just barely, but still a smile. It's strange when things happen out of no where. On several accounts I have found Quate and Wufei writing poetry in their native languages. One reason why I have an all in one language dictionary. When these brief moments happen, I am suprised by the natural feeling of everything being right in the world. The war has stopped. We are no longer pilots but simple teens. However, strong, intelligent, killing machines, but still teens. It's these moments I guess I live for now. When nothing seems right, I watch each one from a distance or while they are sleeping. Then try to capture them in a sketch, so I can look back and remember all the good that came with the broken bones, gun shot wounds, stitches, brusies and death that surrounded all of us. I find that I live for the peace.
" Duo? What are you doing up there? Come down, Wufei is done with dinner." Quatre asked, peering through the window I was sitting beside. Standing, I climbed back inside, sketch book clutched tightly to my side and braid swinging behind me. Silently, I padded down stairs following Quatre into the dining room, where the others were already seated. Taking my usual spot next to Heero, I glanced around.
The others had begun serving them selves and passing the bowls around while giving me side glances as once again I passed the dishes on with out stopping or taking a second glance. No matter who cooked, not how delicious it seemed, I was never hungry. This morning however I did have a few bites of Heero's apple, and my usual water.Now though, I slowly sipped my iced tea, as the others began to eat. Wufei sat across from me, and although the justice pilot was very keen about keeping us away, worry was beginning to form across his face.
What concerned me, was how Heero was acting. Slowly, he moved his fodd around his plate giving the simple idea that he had eaten, however, not once had his fork lifted from the plate.
"...Heero? Moving your food around wont make it closer to your stomach. Honestly, I should know. Remember, Duo equals bottumless pit stomach!" I joked, getting several startled glances. Heero had abruptly stopped his every movement and stared at me.
"Really then. Please tell me, did you lick your plate so clean in the past few moments with out even lifting a finger, that you actually ate dinner at the speed of light?" he shot back, eyes narrowed, glaring.
"Well... no...."
"Then I do not see where you can tell me to eat when you yourself are not. But I will make a proposal to you. Since you seem to care so much about me." He sneered.
"What?" I asked, running my finger along the edge of my glass.
"For every meal you forfeit, I will do the same. Every meal you eat, I will eat. And if you continue not eating then I am sure the others will join me and you will slowly starve us all. And this begins now." His monotoned voice said icly. Pushing his plate away from himself and crossing his arms, he stared at me, waiting for my to make my move. Glaring, I stood up and grabbed a pear from the fruit basket on the counter. Sitting back into my seat, I stared at the green fruit with discust, before biting into it.
"Thats a start, however by next week, fruit and vegtables will not be your way out of this game." Heero picked his fork up once again and began eating much to my relief. The others had watched our little display and once again started up small converstaions with one another. I ate the damn pear even if it made my stomach churn. He would not win in this little game.
'During moments like this, I just couldn't understand if it was concern for me or the mission. Even now sometimes I wondered if to them I was nothing more then an annoying burden that is now used goods. For sometimes I remembered the few times I was like them. Quite, still, contimplating. Though after an hour, Wufei came rushing down the stairs asking if the world was ending or if OZ had finally killed me. As did the others at some point that day. None of them however noticed the look of pain that flashed over my features. I guess, its just concern for the mission. It was never me was it?"
My thoughts were broken, as silence reigned in the dinning room. I suppose that sitting with one bite out of a pear in one hand that was half way to my open mouth, for a good 10 minutes, does cause some to wonder. Blinking, I finished the pear in less then a minute, and bounded up to my room, to plan. Never was I going to be a burden on someone else. 'Never...' It was then that I packed, wrote a brief note and left silently through the window, to someone I knew I could trust. Shinigami.