AN: this is by far and away my longest chapter yet. But there was no way to
make it any shorter. Here within you will find the long awaited
explanation.
On to my reviewers:
della luna: My Muses came through! *mutters* kept me up half the night, but they came through!
Elektra Joradees Gamblin: argh! I just realised I haven't changed my summary yet! Will do. I have a sneaking suspicion that Sev may be ooc again in the this chapter, but it was so hard to keep him in....
Z: Lily had to be explained at some point. ^_~ I don't know about the Severus and James story, but I'm already considering a sequel....
SilverWolf: one of my most loyal reviewers! My Muses were grumpy at me.... I had to bribe them to get them to help me. Erm, Sev isn't totally grieved- out, but he's such a closed person anyway that it would be hard to tell....
Lee Lee Potter: another great reviewer! Only quibble with you, Lee, is that you don't have any stories for me to read... *pouts* XD *swipes sweating brow* Thank gods I'm not moving too slowly.
SilverMoon: another loyal reviewer. There's a little more on Harry's b'day. ^_^
Mikee: I take it you like my twist. = P thanx I'm still very proud of that
aniwda: I'ma writing. I love hearing people say they like my twist
Elendil Snape: re: chapter 7. erm, what happened there? Must go back and check. Oh! Harry figured out something! I like putting that chap together.
Myrddin Ambrosius: You've been looking for a fic like mine? Oh wow. *stoked stoked stoked* Although, I must say I'm kinda disappointed that you guessed. But congrats for picking up on the first clue! Well, Sev has begun his explanation, let's see where they take it....
Erm.... there were some no-name review in there too. Please give me some name to go by, people, so I can thank you! Are you all the same person? I'm not sure I understand all your comments though. Thanks for reviewing any way.
You have my permission to read the chapter now....
Chapter Ten: How to find the words to explain it all.
That afternoon, Harry had his first ever birthday party. It was only a small one, just Harry, Ron, Hermione, Remus, Dumbledore and Madam Pomfery, Dobby the house-elf and, lurking at the edges, Severus. But then, Harry had never had a party of any sort before, and wouldn't have cared if only two other people were there. It would have been one more than he'd ever had to share his birthday with. He just regretted Hagrid couldn't be here to share this one as well.
Under the zealous direction of Dobby, the house-elves had out-done themselves for the occasion. Harry had tried to invite them to join in, but, with the notable exception of Dobby himself, they had been too shy.
The only thing Harry could see that could possibly be better about this party was if it had come three days earlier. Dobby was oblivious to the underlying tension, grinning broadly at everybody and repeatedly wishing Harry 'a very wonderful fifteenthith birthday from Dobby, sir!'
Remus and Dumbledore seemed to be in cahoots, both seemingly completely ignorant of any discomfort, both merrily wishing Harry the best of days. Madam Pomfery didn't ignore the situation, but neither did she comment on it.
Ron and Hermione were the worst. They couldn't seem to talk to Harry without darting a glance at Professor Snape every two seconds. More than once Ron had opened his mouth to say something, only to be elbowed in the side by Hermione. At first it had been rather amusing, but after about the seventh time, it became wearing. Harry almost wished they'd say something so it would be out of the way. He knew Hermione's curiosity must be eating her alive. Even if she was the one most often urging caution, she was always the last to admit defeat when the three of them were looking for the answer to some new mystery.
The whole situation with Harry's odd family would be right up her alley. Ron just wanted to know what was going on. Well, they'd just have to wait until Harry had a better idea of that himself. He wasn't about to offer any information to them at the moment.
When the group sat down to Harry's birthday lunch, Harry found himself sitting between Remus and Ron. Severus was sitting obliquely opposite him, across from Ron. Harry wasn't particularly pleased with this arrangement. Ron was starting to annoy him with all the covert glances between himself and Snape and Harry still wanted to be mad at Remus for not telling him.
But it was hard to stay mad at the werewolf, and Dumbledore had had a point when he'd said that only James or Severus had had right to tell Harry of his parentage. Harry was even further distracted when the table filled with food.
The table groaned under the weight of dozens of dishes and desserts. All Harry's favourites were there: steak and kidney pie, lamb shanks, saffron rice and chicken curry, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. And the desserts: spotted dick, strawberry shortcake, bread-and-butter pudding, pavlova topped with whipped cream. And that was just to name a few of the delectable things on the table.
The crowning glory sat in the exact middle of the table, just in front of Harry. The house-elves had created a three-tier Black Forest cake and iced it in melted chocolate, then drizzled more cherry filling across the top and down the sides. On the platter about the base was an assortment of chocolate truffles. The whole concoction left Harry wishing he could skip straight to dessert.
As everybody helped themselves, Remus leaned over to Harry and whispered in his ear:
'Ten to one the first thing Severus eats is one of the truffles.'
Harry twisted his head about and looked at his professor oddly, 'Why?'
Remus winked, 'Your father loves them. He has a particular sweet tooth for the things. Watch.'
Remus directed Harry's attention back to his father in time to see the man superstitiously plucking several of the chocolate delicacies from the cake's platter. Harry gaped at him and Remus snickered at his side.
A truffle was already on the way to his lips when Severus glanced up. Harry and Remus were staring directly at him and smirking. He glanced down at the chocolate in his hand and immediately knew what Remus had told Harry. He glared at the still smirking pair and deliberately put the truffle aside, reaching instead for the pork spare ribs.
Harry and Remus laughed outright then and Ron glanced inquiringly at them, while Severus glared at them over his mug of butterbeer.
When the last of the group had eaten their fill, the table cleared, leaving the cake sitting in the middle. It filled again moments later with presents. Harry, with a broad grin on his face, was reaching for one to open when Hermione grabbed his right hand. Harry started, then realised she was looking at his ring.
'I've never seen this before, Harry. What's on the face?'
Harry didn't even try to reclaim his hand, 'My wizard-mark.'
Hermione tilted his hand to get a better look at the ring, 'Really? I want to see the mark later, okay?' she released his hand, 'But where'd you get the ring from, Harry?'
Harry was oblivious to the attention of the rest of the table as he answered, 'It was a birthday present from my fathers.'
Harry selected a present from the pile and began to read the tag aloud.
'It says "To Harry, Happy birthday. From Re-" ' Harry looked up at that point and realised everyone was staring at him and he had no idea why.
'What?'
They all blinked in unison. Beside Harry, Remus shook himself.
'You're opening my present? I hope you like it.'
It was "The Animagus Self" - a book on animagi and becoming one. Harry thanked Remus profusely, who smiled and winked. Settling the book safely in his lap, Harry moved on to the next gift.
The opened gifts began to pile up in front of him: "The Definitive Album of Seekers: the greatest players of the last millennium" from Hermione. Mismatched woollen socks from Dobby. He laughed when he opened Sirius's present: a set of three miniature figurines, a wolf, a dog and a stag, curled up together in the bottom of the box. The dog licked his fingers and the stag butted at his thumb.
The second-to-last box was heavy, so heavy Harry almost dropped it when he tried to pick it up. Instead, he opted for sliding across the table towards him. He pulled off the ribbon and lifted off the lid. He leant forward over the box to look in. Harry gasped.
Sitting in the box was a blue-gray stone basin, etched around the edges with runes. In the bottom swirled a bright whiteish silver fluid. It was a pensieve. There was a note tucked beside it in the box. Harry pulled it out and opened it.
"Harry (it read)
I've siphoned off several of my own memories of my times with James and Lily for you to view. Otherwise, this pensieve is for you to use any way you see fit.
- Severus"
His expression was neutral when he looked up. When he met Severus's eyes, the Potions Master's face was equally blank. After locking eyes for a long moment, Harry allowed a small smile to flit about the corners of his mouth. Severus nodded minutely in reply and Harry turned to the final parcel.
The Weasley twins had, predicably, sent him an assortment of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, including Canary Creams and Ton Tongue Toffee among other, newer developments.
Once the last of the presents had been opened and the birthday cake sliced and doled out, the group began to disperse. As Harry made to leave the table, a piece of cake in one hand, Ron leant in and said for his ears alone, 'You called him your father, you know, before.'
Harry shot his best friend a startled glance, then his eyes unfocused as he remembered. That was why everybody had been staring at him oddly when he'd looked up from Remus's present. He'd told Hermione the ring was a present from his *fathers*, plural. And he hadn't even noticed.... He shivered.
Hermione accosted Harry and Ron as they moved clear of the table. Latching onto Harry's elbow she dragged him further from the adults, Ron only too willing to follow. Harry almost groaned. So they were finally going to ask him about it all. He didn't know if he was relieved that he'd have someone to share it all with, or annoyed at them for being so nosy.
But then, he had screamed his accusations at Professor Snape right in front of them. He supposed that might give them *some* right to an explanation....
They'd made it to the entrance hall before Hermione released Harry's arm. Harry found himself faced with his two best friends standing shoulder-to- shoulder, determined expressions in their eyes. Suddenly, he was feeling at little nervous. It was kind of scary when these two ganged up on him.
'So...' Harry tried.
Ron crossed his arms and Hermione was standing arms akimbo.
'I guess you wanted to talk to me about something,' Harry picked at the slice of Black Forest cake he was still holding.
'Is Snape really your father, Harry?' Ron was the first to broach the subject.
Harry gave a dry laugh, 'You have to ask? You were there. You heard what he said.'
'Yes, but...'
'Yes, but nothing. He's my father and so was James, if you can believe that.' Harry was still having trouble accepting that fact himself, no matter his slip of the tongue earlier.
'How did you figure it out Harry?' That was Hermione, always wanting to know the whys and wherefores of any situation.
Harry sighed and seated himself on the bench against the wall. Hermione sat beside him and Ron slid down the wall to sit on the floor at his other side.
'It was a combination of things really,' Harry held out his hand in front of him, 'Remus said I "had hands like my father's",' the hand dropped again, 'And you know that photo Snape handed me?'
Hermione and Ron nodded. They'd seen Snape give Harry the photo, but they didn't know what was on it.
'It was a photo of Snape holding me as a baby. I saw that photo days ago when Snape first woke up, but I only realised on Thursday that that baby had my eyes.
'Then there was that whole blood-magic thing. It certainly explains why I could give him blood if I'm his son.'
A hand drifted to his shoulder and he rubbed at the mark he knew was the beneath the shirt.
'But the thing that made it all come together was the wizard-mark. I've seen Sna- my f-,' Harry couldn't decide how to refer to the man. He gestured vaguely instead and continued, 'It's on the inside of his right wrist. It's got the same quill as mine. Then, on Thursday afternoon... You know that book of yours I was reading, 'Mione? Just before I took off?'
Hermione nodded.
'It was talking about the wizard-marks being hereditary. Then there was this list of the marks common to each bloodline. There was nothing beside Potter, but... Next to Snape was the quill-mark.
'It all kind of just clicked. Then, of course, there was what the -' Harry stopped. He had been about to tell his friends of the Sorting Hat considering him for Slytherin House his first day. Fortunately, neither of them noticed his slip. They were too busy thinking about his story.
Ron pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them.
'But what about your Mum,' he flushed, 'I - I mean Lily.'
Harry shifted uncomfortably. Now they were getting to things Harry himself didn't know yet. He knew that Lily was his half-aunt, but he didn't know why she'd been covering for his parents.
'Umm. She was my aunt....'
Hermione and Ron goggled at him. Harry could feel his cheeks start to burn for some reason.
'Umm, yeah, she was -'
A dark voice above the three interrupted Harry's words.
'Harry,' they all looked up. Ron scrambled to his feet and dusted off his robes while Hermione and Harry straightened on the bench.
As silently as always, Professor Snape had swept up to them at some point in their conversation. He was holding Harry's new pensieve and staring impassively down at the Gyrffindors. Harry cleared his throat and stood.
'You and I have some unfinished business,' Severus winced inwardly. He hadn't meant that to sound so... dire. He was almost ridculously relieved when Harry didn't blanch, just nodded and stepped after him as he turned toward the dungeons, and his rooms.
Harry handed Hermione his mutilated slice of birthday cake and headed down the corridor after the disappearing professor. When he glanced back just before turning the corner, his two friends were staring apprehensively after him. He darted them a small smile of reassurance, then hurried after Severus.
He had just caught up with the man when he halted before a landscape painting not far from the Potions classroom. Harry eyed the painting curiously. It depicted a dismal mountain-scape and Harry could see no visible subject to receive the password. That was until he realised that the tree in the foreground of the painting had a face.
Severus shifted the weight of the pensieve in his arms and smirked at Harry as he uttered the password.
'Prongs.'
Harry started and stated up at the man that was his father.
Severus answered the unvoiced question he read in Harry's face, 'That has been my password at least once a year since you arrived at Hogwarts. It is purely coincidence that you should choose it at the same time,' a thoughtful expression flitted across Severus's face, 'Or.... Perhaps not.'
He pushed the painting clear as it clicked open and ushered Harry into his rooms. He had to sidestep to avoid colliding with the boy when he followed him in. Harry had stopped dead just across the threshold and was staring around him in surprise.
'It's not green!' he exclaimed.
Severus snorted.
'Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a great fan of the colour green.'
Harry flushed but didn't turn his eyes from his perusal of the room he found himself in. The walls weren't bare stone like the dungeon classroom; they were plastered in a deep-blue gray, echoing the slate of the floor. Several wall-tapestries in warm autumn colours offset the coldness of the effect.
Toward the back of the room stood a stately old mahogany wood desk, littered with various scrolls and tomes. Bookcases standing between the tapestries were cluttered with a wide variety of objects besides the vast collection of books. Strange looking potions bottles stood shoulder to shoulder with statuettes of ancient Egyptian and Greek gods, whilst a golden snitch canted to one side where it lay against a perfectly persevered skeleton of a bat.
On the wall perpendicular to the desk was a large hearth. Here was the only sign that the occupant of these rooms was actually a Slytherin: incredibly life-like twin snakes wound their way up the mantle posts. Before the hearth lay a plush rug the colour of burnt amber. Two wingback chairs upholstered in deep blue brocade faced the hearth over the rug: one showing signs of frequent use, the other only lightly scuffed.
The wall above the hearth was blank, which was something rarely seen. The mantle piece was nearly empty as well. At one end sat a silver tray holding several tumblers and a crystal decanter of some amber liquid. By the tray was the mantle piece's only other ornament: a small framed photograph.
Harry drew closer to it.
James was holding Harry this time. Harry guessed he must have been around nine months old when this picture was taken. His father had him in a firm grasp and was holding him above his head. They were both laughing. Another person stepped into view and reached to take Harry. It was Lily. Harry held out his tiny arms to her and James handed him over, wrapping an arm around Lily's shoulders instead. The three of them turned to face the photographer. James threw the person a kiss and Harry realised Severus must have taken the picture.
Harry reached out a tentative hand to pick up the photo. He jumped when something hissed at him. The that snake wound about the nearer mantle post had pulled its head from the stone work and was flickering its tongue in Harry's direction.
Harry stepped back hastily and turned away from the hearth. Severus had deposited the pensieve on a small table between the wingback chairs and was watching Harry from beneath hooded eyes. He made no comment on the photograph or the snake, just gestured Harry to the less worn chair.
Harry took the pro-offered seat and Severus sat as well. The silence stretched uncomfortably between them. Neither of them knew what to say or where to start. They still hadn't worked out how to interact with one another as father and son.
'I thought you hated Dad,' Harry suddenly blurted.
Severus stirred. He didn't know whether to be relieved Harry had given him somewhere to start, or to be perturbed that he had started with that particular comment.
'I did,' Severus decided to be as frank as possible with his son, not wishing for any falsehoods to stand between them any longer, 'at first. And especially after he saved my life from Black's childish prank.'
Severus's lip curled in a snarl. Harry realised reluctantly that, while his father's act towards Lupin seemed to be just that, an act, Severus appeared to genuinely hate Sirius.
Severus shook off his dislike for his son's godfather. Now was not the time to dwell on such a thing.
'Lily convinced me to give him a second chance,' Severus smirked at some distant memory, 'she actually locked us in a room once, until we would agree to talk civilly to each other. She'd spelled the door closed and since she was by the far the best of us at Charms, neither James nor I could get the door open.
'Of course, we weren't going to give in and chat amicably until she decided to release us. James was too stubborn for that, and I was just too proud to let my little sister get the better of me,' Severus snorted self- deprecatingly.
'James and I were forced into being reluctant allies. We used sheer power to overcome Lily's spell. In the process the door was reduced to kindling. Lily was mad at us both for thwarting her plan and James and I went straight back to being adversaries. But we were never so malicious to one another after that.'
Harry realised he was sitting forward in his chair, hanging on the visions conjured as Severus recalled the beginning of his relationship with James. Severus was staring beyond the room, beyond the here and now, down the long halls of memory: 'That was at the end of our fifth year.
'Lily had always kept in contact with me over the summer holidays. We'd owl one another. That summer, she began telling me the news she had of James, keeping me up to date on all his activities. James told me later that she had done the same with him, passing on everything I told her, whether he was interested or not.
'Lily should have been in Slytherin; she manipulated us both so masterfully. By the time sixth year began, the enmity James and I went no deeper than the surface. I was... Indifferent to him.
'But Lily couldn't be satisfied with that. She told me once that she wouldn't be happy until "her two favourite men loved each other as much as she loved us".
'She had her work cut out for her,' Severus's eyes focused briefly on Harry, 'I don't think I've ever met a man as stubborn as you father. I didn't exactly make it easy for her, either. I wasn't about to admit that there was a possibility that I had been wrong in my first assessment of James Potter, the Gryffindor Heir.'
Harry wasn't sure what to make of this tale. The professor, always so jealous about guarding his private life, didn't seem to be keeping much, if anything, back. The black eyes trained on Harry were open, when before they had only ever been masked, barring those few slips Harry had witnessed.
'Lily would drag one or the other of us off to meet the other every chance she got. In the end, James and I gave in. We became reluctant allies again, just to prevent Lily forcing us together at every turn. Over time, the relationship developed further. We became.... Friends.'
The obsidian eyes unfocused again, seeing some long lost moment.
'The summer after sixth year, we communicated sporadically. Nothing like the number of owls Lily sent me, but enough. I was actually looking forward to seeing him again when seventh year began, along with Lily, whom I always missed.
'Seventh year began, with Lily, James and I keeping secret rendezvous with one another. Few people even knew Lily and I were friends. *None* but the three of us saw through the masks James and I wore where anyone else could see us.
'Then, a month after school had begun, James and I were waiting for Lily to arrive. We were sitting next to one another, talking about some inane thing. With no warning, James just turned and kissed me.'
Severus stood up, Harry watching his every movement. He moved to the tray on the mantle piece and poured himself a glass of the vintage scotch in the crystal decanter. As much as he would have liked to knock back the entire glass, he constrained himself to just enough to soothe his throat before continuing.
'When James drew back, all I could do was stare at him for a time. I'm sorry to say that when I moved again, it was to leave, hastily. Lily was just arriving as I quit the room. I could her calling out, asking me what was wrong. Then James called out, trying to get me to wait.
'I avoided him for the next month. And Lily as much as she would let me, which wasn't much. I was confused. Not about my sexual preference; I had known I was gay for several years by that point. I'd even allowed myself to acknowledge the fact that I found James attractive.
'I didn't know what James wanted from me. You must understand; I never received affection at home except in return for something. My mother was a cold woman. Every gesture she made was calculated and the consequences weighed with no regard for personal feelings. If she offered any affection, it was sure sign she was after something. She manipulated me from the time I could walk.
'Even my father used me; for all that he was a mild man. My mother dominated him, used him in the same way she used me, and everybody else. He, in his turn, came to me for the affection he never received from his wife. He used me as a buffer between them. I had been so manipulated with affection that I didn't recognise it when it was freely given.'
The tumbler made its way to his lips again, and Severus realised he'd already drunk half the scotch in the glass. Harry was watching him avidly. The story of Severus's parents began to explain the man's cold demeanour.
'It took Lily lecturing me on how to treat her friends, and James cornering me, to convince me that James wanted nothing from me that I wasn't prepared to give.'
Severus sipped at his scotch again, then turned to top it up before continuing.
'It was me that initiated the kiss that time.'
Harry shifted uncomfortably. As much as he wanted to hear the story of his parents, he kind of wished Severus would leave out the parts of them being.... intimate. Severus caught the movement and smirked.
'After that, James and I became.... a couple. And still no one knew except Lily. That is, until Lupin decided to follow your father to our rendezvous one day. He entered the room just as I was.... greeting James,' Severus smirked again as Harry fidgeted, 'needless to say, he was shocked to see the two of us together in the first place, let alone in such a manner. I was still wary of him and was all for using a Memory Charm on him, but James and Lily wouldn't agree to it. It seemed his word was good enough for them.
'I must concede, he was as good as his word. He never even told Black - who, by the way, still doesn't know the truth about your parentage.'
Harry wasn't surprised. He was sure Sirius would likely have either disowned him, or tried to kill Snape by now if he knew the truth.
Severus's smirk turned truly evil, 'We must do something about that.'
In that moment, Harry despaired of ever seeing Severus and Sirius stand in the same room without trying to tear one another's throats out.
The tumbler rose to Severus's lips again and Harry wished he could have a drink as well. Just something to distract him slightly, a nervous reaction, a way of relieving the tension. Instead, he knitted his fingers together and each thumb began to battle against the other.
'We graduated. At the time, I believed the next two months to be the worst I would ever experience,' a mirthless laugh, 'Unfortunately, I was wrong.'
Again the tumbler made the trip to Severus's mouth and he took a hefty swallow.
'I didn't see James or Lily once in those two months. I even began to miss Remus. But the loneliness wasn't the worst of it. I only wish it were.
'By that time, my mother was a loyal follower of Voldemort and nothing would do except for her son to follow in her footsteps. I wanted nothing to do with the hypocritical, self-proclaimed Dark Lord. I refused. Or at least, I tried to.
'Some how, my mother had gotten wind of my friendship with Lily. Only Lily, fortunately, and she didn't realise that Lily was actually my half-sister. But she used Lily against me. Threatened to destroy the "filthy mud-blood" as she called Lily if I didn't comply with her wishes and take the Dark Mark.
'I took it. I believed Lily and James would want nothing further to do with me, but I would not let my mother harm Lily.'
Severus drained his tumbler and set it, empty, on the tray. He rested both his hands on the mantle piece and stared down into the empty fire-pit. Harry stared at his back. This man was his father. This man had been hurt much like him as a child.
'I won't bore you with the details of the Death Eater meetings I forced to attend. Suffice it to say it was not something I ever wanted to repeat. Unfortunately, I didn't seem to have a choice in the matter. I stopped owling Lily and James, didn't read any of the messages that were piling up on my desk.
'I successfully avoided them both until Father helped them "ambush" me. He waited until he knew my mother would be absent from the house for a considerable time, then flooed them directly into my room.'
Severus still had his back turned to Harry and his voice was sounding oddly strained as he continued.
'They eventually got the story out of me; they wouldn't leave me alone until I told them. James assured me that they still loved me - that was the first time that he said it. That he loved me.'
Harry could see Severus's knuckles clenching white on the carved stone of the mantle piece. For a time, nothing more was said. Then Severus visibly forced himself to relax and, still without turning, continued.
'James and Lily convinced me to go to Dumbledore for help. *He*,' Severus almost spat this, 'convinced me to turn spy. Young and foolish as I was, I agreed, thinking I could actually prevent the atrocities Voldemort was committing. We both know how wrong I was about that.'
Severus finally turned from the hearth. He didn't look at Harry at all as he resumed his seat and his tale.
'It was all so easy at first. I was too young to attend many of the meetings. For the most part, both Voldemort and Dumbledore left me to my own devices. I spent as much time as I could without raising suspicions with Lily and James, and occasionally Remus. My father was the only one who knew anything of this, and even he didn't know the extent.
'Only the four of us knew James and I were a couple. And there was only the four of us present when James and I were married almost a year later. Remus officiated and Lily bore us witness. James and I had to wear our rings about our necks, layered under concealment charms Lily had set on them.'
Severus pulled at the silver chain about his neck and withdrew a silver ring from within his robes. He slipped the chain over his head and passed it to Harry. Harry took it carefully and stared down at the wide band of silver. Lying in the palm of his hand was the concrete proof that James and Severus had been married, that both men were his fathers. He rolled the ring between his fingers and an inscription on the inside caught his eye: "James and Severus - one heart"
Harry was still staring at it when the chain and ring were plucked out of his hand and he watched as his father slipped the chain about his neck again and carefully tucked the ring out of sight once more.
'A month later, we discovered I was pregnant.'
Harry sat up straight and interrupted for the first time, 'About that....'
'How is it possible?' Severus anticipated the question. He didn't even wait for Harry's affirmative nod to begin the explanation, 'It's easier than one would suppose. Both the wizards must be magically strong and,' Severus's mouth twisted faintly, 'very much in love. There also must be the desire, whether conscious or unconscious, to have a child. Generally, the pregnancy forms in the magically stronger of the two wizards, but it also depends on several other factors such as physical strength, hormonal stability and - I maintain - to some degree, the blood-magic type.'
Severus's hands flared in an imitation of a shrug, 'I was the one who fell pregnant.'
Severus's voice turned grim and an expression more familiar to Harry than any he'd seen this afternoon settled over the Potion Master's face.
'But as happy as James and I were, it posed so many problems and risks.' Harry's expression flickered; only briefly, but Severus saw it and picked up on the reason. He turned sober eyes on Harry, 'Don't think for a moment that we didn't want you. When Lily tentatively suggested we terminate you, I threw her out of the house and James wouldn't talk to her for a week.
'He only forgave her because she was ultimately the one that suggested the solution.' Severus stopped talking and looked expectantly at Harry. It took Harry a moment to understand that Severus was silently asking him if he could figure out what Lily had suggested.
If hadn't been inappropriate under the circumstances, he would have considered snorting. Even in such a discussion, the Professor had found a way to test Harry's intelligence. But Harry had already had all morning to think about this one.
'She suggested that for public appearance, she and James should appear to marry, and then when I was born, I would be passed off as her son?' Harry ended his summary on a questioning note. He relaxed minutely when Severus nodded curtly.
'Very few people knew Lily was my sister and even fewer knew James and I could even tolerate each other. It was, it seemed, the perfect plan. Lily would pose as James's wife and when you were born, you would publicly be known as Lily's child. I would visit covertly, never coming home when there was any chance of my being seen. Lily even found a charm that would transfer all the visible symptoms of my pregnancy onto her.
'I "disappeared" for the nine months of my pregnancy. I had told my mother - who naturally passed it on to Voldemort - that I was travelling to the Continent to research potions. I lived in concealment with James, and Lily, in an apartment near Diagon Alley. They were publicly there; Remus was the only other that knew where I was.'
Harry noted that Severus's face had gone tight, as though he was clenching his jaw.
'Then you were born and for another month you, James and I, and Lily, were the perfect family. I only wished I could have introduced you to my father. Everybody adored you.
'But the time came that I had to leave again. I "returned" from the Continent with the research I had done in my spare time whilst carrying you. I was welcomed back into the fold, at a more senior level among the Death Eaters. My mother was so proud.
'Then, for the first time, my position as a spy paid off and I wished to god it hadn't. The first piece of useful intelligence I gleaned for Dumbledore was Voldemort's intention to do away with James, Lily and you.'
Resting on the chair's arms, Severus's hands had curled into claws. Harry shivered. Severus's voice was low and ominous when he spoke again.
'I wanted to kill Voldemort with my bare hands.'
The fingers curled into fists, which trembled on the armrests.
'All I could do was feign dispassion and report my findings to Dumbledore, hoping he would find a way to protect my family.
'Lily and James left London and moved to Godric's Hollow. For a few short months, that house there became our home. I could still only visit infrequently and you grew so much each time I was away.
'Then Dumbledore suggested James and Lily use the Fidelus Charm to hide their location, suggested that he be their secret-keeper. I was away on a mission at the time. I only got the owl in time to see you all one more time before the charm was cast.
'They chose Black to be their secret-keeper. I know he was James's best friend, but I didn't like him. By that stage, James and Lily suspected that someone close to them was working against them, feeding information to Voldemort.
'I returned to Godric's Hollow and stayed with you all as long as I could. But the charm had to be cast and I had to leave on another mission.'
The silence hung heavy over the room and Harry's hands were trembling now. Severus was staring resolutely away from Harry; his eyes fixed on some object on the shelves. Harry started when Severus spoke again, unexpectedly.
'Black must have convinced them to change secret-keepers at the last moment, after I'd left already.'
The silence was heavier this time. Harry felt like jumping up and running from the room, fleeing from what he knew was coming next. He wrapped his arms tight about his middle.
'Two weeks later, the Dark Mark flared painfully on my arm, and then faded away to almost nothing. I had an awful premonition. I returned to Godric's Hollow as quickly as I could.'
Harry saw a solitary tear seep from the corner of his father's fathomless eyes.
'There was nothing there when I arrived. No sign of whom had lived in that house, or even that it had been a house that had stood there. All that remained was a pile of rapidly cooling rubble. James and Lily were gone, no remains left. At the time I thought you had been killed as well.'
No more tears fell from Severus's eyes, but the pain he still felt was visible in every line of his body. Harry's own tears were running down his cheeks as he recalled the cries the dementors had dragged from his memory; the final moments of his father and - he now knew - his aunt. He slipped a cold hand under the frame of his glasses and brushed the tears from his lashes.
'I would have been sick with relief when I found out you'd survived if I had let myself feel anything at all. I closed off all emotion that day. When Remus came to see me, I gave him the cold shoulder. I blamed him for not saving James and Lily almost as much as I blamed myself.'
Severus lapsed into silence, staring blankly at the wall, trying to repress once more the memories he had deliberately stirred up for his son's benefit.
Harry's tears dried on his cheeks. The story explained a lot, but not enough. There was still another question Severus hadn't answered; one that mattered to Harry almost more than any other.
'Why did you leave me at the Dursleys?'
Severus actually winced at that question.
'You were safer there in the immediate aftermath. There were still Death Eaters around that would have done anything to kill you.
'I had been brought in for questioning over my Death Eater activities. It took all Dumbledore's influence just to get me pardoned, Harry. They never would have let me take you anyway. What would it look like: Me, a highly suspect former Death Eater trying to claim the Boy Who Lived as my own son?' Severus laughed harshly, 'That would have landed me in Azkaban for sure.'
Harry shivered, 'But what about after? When it had all died down a little?'
Severus turned to look at his son, appraising him. He had decided earlier to give the boy the truth. He didn't suppose he could stop now.
'I was afraid, Harry. Afraid of so many things. I was afraid I couldn't be a good father to you without James, or even Lily, there to help me. I was afraid you would hate me. I was afraid that some misguided fool of a Death Eater might try to kill you.
'But mostly I was afraid that they would take you away from me if I tried to claim you. I decided it would be easier never to have you, then to have you for a short time, then see you taken away.'
Severus turned away again, 'It was extremely selfish and cowardly of me. But it is in the past and cannot be changed. All I can ask is that one day you will forgive me.'
Harry nodded, though Severus didn't see.
But still, one more issue stood between them. One that needed to be resolved before Harry could truly begin to accept this man as his father.
'Why did you treat me so badly when I finally arrived at Hogwarts?' his voice trembled on the last words and Harry suddenly wished he could take the question back and remain forever ignorant of the answer.
It was too late. Severus was turning back to him, looking him in the eye.
'Because it was easier.'
Harry blanched and Severus sighed and rubbed the side of one hand against the palm of the other.
'Because I didn't want to care about you. It didn't work. I still cared about you. When Dumbledore gave you that *damn* cloak of James's, I wanted to strangle him. It made keeping track of you so much harder.
'Every time I yelled at you, I was twisting every good emotion and memory and using the pain to lash out at you. I couldn't let you get close. There was always the possibility that I would slip and the truth would come out and you would be in even more danger than before.'
Severus stood to pace back to the mantle. He poured himself another finger of scotch and sipped at it.
'In your third year, Remus began pressuring me to tell you the truth. I - reacted badly,' Harry snorted, and Severus smirked into his tumbler, 'an understatement, I know. But I believed revealing the truth would put you in the path of further danger and that was something I would not condone, not under any circumstances.'
Harry nodded, not knowing what else to do. Severus knocked back the last of his scotch and returned the tumbler to the tray. He moved back to his wingback chair and.... slouched.... into its welcoming arms. He didn't know what to say now, either.
So they sat both in silence, both turning over and over the day's conversation.
Harry was staring at Severus's profile, trying to see himself in that face. Everybody was right. He *did* resemble James more than Severus. But Harry decided that he *would* like to be able to look at Severus Snape and say 'See that man? He is my father. I take after him in these ways....'
One day. But not yet. It was too soon, too new and raw. Harry couldn't quite bring himself to forgive this man all the pain he had caused him just yet. But over time...
It would be hard, and they would both have to work at it, but Harry believed - hoped really - that eventually they could interact as father and son.
TBC
AN: it just occurred to me. I could almost leave it here. But I'm not that mean. Besides, there are still too many loose ends that need tying up. I hope you all appreciate the effort that went into this chapter... I started writing from the presents on at 5:30 this afternoon. It's now - hang on, let me just check - 1:20 in the morning! Make that yesterday afternoon.
I did my best to keep Sev in character. I know its not perfect, but I think I did pretty okay. What do you think?
Before anyone comments on it, the pensieve memories will feature in the next chapter.
I'm going to bed. Ooo.... mustn't forget to thank my Muses for coming through so well for me tonight.... Night, night, loyal readers.
ermm.... Do they have pavlova in Britain? I wouldn't know. Or is that Peach Melba I'm thinking of? Oh well.
Erm. about not telling you what the rest of the presents were (like the one from RON) I'm a hopeless git and I couldn't think of anything original. The ones I *did* get took me long enough. *throws up her hands* O, woe is me! *grins maniacally*
And I know, I took the easy way out with the explanation of the actual pregnancy. But if you want the story soon, you have to expect a few sacrifices. That was one of them.
Okay I know I stuffed up the whole Godric's Hollow thing, but it had to be done, or else it wouldn't fit in with something I said earlier. Also, forgive me if the time frame between the casting of the Charm and Voldie's attack is off. I don't know the correct one, I made it up.
On to my reviewers:
della luna: My Muses came through! *mutters* kept me up half the night, but they came through!
Elektra Joradees Gamblin: argh! I just realised I haven't changed my summary yet! Will do. I have a sneaking suspicion that Sev may be ooc again in the this chapter, but it was so hard to keep him in....
Z: Lily had to be explained at some point. ^_~ I don't know about the Severus and James story, but I'm already considering a sequel....
SilverWolf: one of my most loyal reviewers! My Muses were grumpy at me.... I had to bribe them to get them to help me. Erm, Sev isn't totally grieved- out, but he's such a closed person anyway that it would be hard to tell....
Lee Lee Potter: another great reviewer! Only quibble with you, Lee, is that you don't have any stories for me to read... *pouts* XD *swipes sweating brow* Thank gods I'm not moving too slowly.
SilverMoon: another loyal reviewer. There's a little more on Harry's b'day. ^_^
Mikee: I take it you like my twist. = P thanx I'm still very proud of that
aniwda: I'ma writing. I love hearing people say they like my twist
Elendil Snape: re: chapter 7. erm, what happened there? Must go back and check. Oh! Harry figured out something! I like putting that chap together.
Myrddin Ambrosius: You've been looking for a fic like mine? Oh wow. *stoked stoked stoked* Although, I must say I'm kinda disappointed that you guessed. But congrats for picking up on the first clue! Well, Sev has begun his explanation, let's see where they take it....
Erm.... there were some no-name review in there too. Please give me some name to go by, people, so I can thank you! Are you all the same person? I'm not sure I understand all your comments though. Thanks for reviewing any way.
You have my permission to read the chapter now....
Chapter Ten: How to find the words to explain it all.
That afternoon, Harry had his first ever birthday party. It was only a small one, just Harry, Ron, Hermione, Remus, Dumbledore and Madam Pomfery, Dobby the house-elf and, lurking at the edges, Severus. But then, Harry had never had a party of any sort before, and wouldn't have cared if only two other people were there. It would have been one more than he'd ever had to share his birthday with. He just regretted Hagrid couldn't be here to share this one as well.
Under the zealous direction of Dobby, the house-elves had out-done themselves for the occasion. Harry had tried to invite them to join in, but, with the notable exception of Dobby himself, they had been too shy.
The only thing Harry could see that could possibly be better about this party was if it had come three days earlier. Dobby was oblivious to the underlying tension, grinning broadly at everybody and repeatedly wishing Harry 'a very wonderful fifteenthith birthday from Dobby, sir!'
Remus and Dumbledore seemed to be in cahoots, both seemingly completely ignorant of any discomfort, both merrily wishing Harry the best of days. Madam Pomfery didn't ignore the situation, but neither did she comment on it.
Ron and Hermione were the worst. They couldn't seem to talk to Harry without darting a glance at Professor Snape every two seconds. More than once Ron had opened his mouth to say something, only to be elbowed in the side by Hermione. At first it had been rather amusing, but after about the seventh time, it became wearing. Harry almost wished they'd say something so it would be out of the way. He knew Hermione's curiosity must be eating her alive. Even if she was the one most often urging caution, she was always the last to admit defeat when the three of them were looking for the answer to some new mystery.
The whole situation with Harry's odd family would be right up her alley. Ron just wanted to know what was going on. Well, they'd just have to wait until Harry had a better idea of that himself. He wasn't about to offer any information to them at the moment.
When the group sat down to Harry's birthday lunch, Harry found himself sitting between Remus and Ron. Severus was sitting obliquely opposite him, across from Ron. Harry wasn't particularly pleased with this arrangement. Ron was starting to annoy him with all the covert glances between himself and Snape and Harry still wanted to be mad at Remus for not telling him.
But it was hard to stay mad at the werewolf, and Dumbledore had had a point when he'd said that only James or Severus had had right to tell Harry of his parentage. Harry was even further distracted when the table filled with food.
The table groaned under the weight of dozens of dishes and desserts. All Harry's favourites were there: steak and kidney pie, lamb shanks, saffron rice and chicken curry, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. And the desserts: spotted dick, strawberry shortcake, bread-and-butter pudding, pavlova topped with whipped cream. And that was just to name a few of the delectable things on the table.
The crowning glory sat in the exact middle of the table, just in front of Harry. The house-elves had created a three-tier Black Forest cake and iced it in melted chocolate, then drizzled more cherry filling across the top and down the sides. On the platter about the base was an assortment of chocolate truffles. The whole concoction left Harry wishing he could skip straight to dessert.
As everybody helped themselves, Remus leaned over to Harry and whispered in his ear:
'Ten to one the first thing Severus eats is one of the truffles.'
Harry twisted his head about and looked at his professor oddly, 'Why?'
Remus winked, 'Your father loves them. He has a particular sweet tooth for the things. Watch.'
Remus directed Harry's attention back to his father in time to see the man superstitiously plucking several of the chocolate delicacies from the cake's platter. Harry gaped at him and Remus snickered at his side.
A truffle was already on the way to his lips when Severus glanced up. Harry and Remus were staring directly at him and smirking. He glanced down at the chocolate in his hand and immediately knew what Remus had told Harry. He glared at the still smirking pair and deliberately put the truffle aside, reaching instead for the pork spare ribs.
Harry and Remus laughed outright then and Ron glanced inquiringly at them, while Severus glared at them over his mug of butterbeer.
When the last of the group had eaten their fill, the table cleared, leaving the cake sitting in the middle. It filled again moments later with presents. Harry, with a broad grin on his face, was reaching for one to open when Hermione grabbed his right hand. Harry started, then realised she was looking at his ring.
'I've never seen this before, Harry. What's on the face?'
Harry didn't even try to reclaim his hand, 'My wizard-mark.'
Hermione tilted his hand to get a better look at the ring, 'Really? I want to see the mark later, okay?' she released his hand, 'But where'd you get the ring from, Harry?'
Harry was oblivious to the attention of the rest of the table as he answered, 'It was a birthday present from my fathers.'
Harry selected a present from the pile and began to read the tag aloud.
'It says "To Harry, Happy birthday. From Re-" ' Harry looked up at that point and realised everyone was staring at him and he had no idea why.
'What?'
They all blinked in unison. Beside Harry, Remus shook himself.
'You're opening my present? I hope you like it.'
It was "The Animagus Self" - a book on animagi and becoming one. Harry thanked Remus profusely, who smiled and winked. Settling the book safely in his lap, Harry moved on to the next gift.
The opened gifts began to pile up in front of him: "The Definitive Album of Seekers: the greatest players of the last millennium" from Hermione. Mismatched woollen socks from Dobby. He laughed when he opened Sirius's present: a set of three miniature figurines, a wolf, a dog and a stag, curled up together in the bottom of the box. The dog licked his fingers and the stag butted at his thumb.
The second-to-last box was heavy, so heavy Harry almost dropped it when he tried to pick it up. Instead, he opted for sliding across the table towards him. He pulled off the ribbon and lifted off the lid. He leant forward over the box to look in. Harry gasped.
Sitting in the box was a blue-gray stone basin, etched around the edges with runes. In the bottom swirled a bright whiteish silver fluid. It was a pensieve. There was a note tucked beside it in the box. Harry pulled it out and opened it.
"Harry (it read)
I've siphoned off several of my own memories of my times with James and Lily for you to view. Otherwise, this pensieve is for you to use any way you see fit.
- Severus"
His expression was neutral when he looked up. When he met Severus's eyes, the Potions Master's face was equally blank. After locking eyes for a long moment, Harry allowed a small smile to flit about the corners of his mouth. Severus nodded minutely in reply and Harry turned to the final parcel.
The Weasley twins had, predicably, sent him an assortment of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, including Canary Creams and Ton Tongue Toffee among other, newer developments.
Once the last of the presents had been opened and the birthday cake sliced and doled out, the group began to disperse. As Harry made to leave the table, a piece of cake in one hand, Ron leant in and said for his ears alone, 'You called him your father, you know, before.'
Harry shot his best friend a startled glance, then his eyes unfocused as he remembered. That was why everybody had been staring at him oddly when he'd looked up from Remus's present. He'd told Hermione the ring was a present from his *fathers*, plural. And he hadn't even noticed.... He shivered.
Hermione accosted Harry and Ron as they moved clear of the table. Latching onto Harry's elbow she dragged him further from the adults, Ron only too willing to follow. Harry almost groaned. So they were finally going to ask him about it all. He didn't know if he was relieved that he'd have someone to share it all with, or annoyed at them for being so nosy.
But then, he had screamed his accusations at Professor Snape right in front of them. He supposed that might give them *some* right to an explanation....
They'd made it to the entrance hall before Hermione released Harry's arm. Harry found himself faced with his two best friends standing shoulder-to- shoulder, determined expressions in their eyes. Suddenly, he was feeling at little nervous. It was kind of scary when these two ganged up on him.
'So...' Harry tried.
Ron crossed his arms and Hermione was standing arms akimbo.
'I guess you wanted to talk to me about something,' Harry picked at the slice of Black Forest cake he was still holding.
'Is Snape really your father, Harry?' Ron was the first to broach the subject.
Harry gave a dry laugh, 'You have to ask? You were there. You heard what he said.'
'Yes, but...'
'Yes, but nothing. He's my father and so was James, if you can believe that.' Harry was still having trouble accepting that fact himself, no matter his slip of the tongue earlier.
'How did you figure it out Harry?' That was Hermione, always wanting to know the whys and wherefores of any situation.
Harry sighed and seated himself on the bench against the wall. Hermione sat beside him and Ron slid down the wall to sit on the floor at his other side.
'It was a combination of things really,' Harry held out his hand in front of him, 'Remus said I "had hands like my father's",' the hand dropped again, 'And you know that photo Snape handed me?'
Hermione and Ron nodded. They'd seen Snape give Harry the photo, but they didn't know what was on it.
'It was a photo of Snape holding me as a baby. I saw that photo days ago when Snape first woke up, but I only realised on Thursday that that baby had my eyes.
'Then there was that whole blood-magic thing. It certainly explains why I could give him blood if I'm his son.'
A hand drifted to his shoulder and he rubbed at the mark he knew was the beneath the shirt.
'But the thing that made it all come together was the wizard-mark. I've seen Sna- my f-,' Harry couldn't decide how to refer to the man. He gestured vaguely instead and continued, 'It's on the inside of his right wrist. It's got the same quill as mine. Then, on Thursday afternoon... You know that book of yours I was reading, 'Mione? Just before I took off?'
Hermione nodded.
'It was talking about the wizard-marks being hereditary. Then there was this list of the marks common to each bloodline. There was nothing beside Potter, but... Next to Snape was the quill-mark.
'It all kind of just clicked. Then, of course, there was what the -' Harry stopped. He had been about to tell his friends of the Sorting Hat considering him for Slytherin House his first day. Fortunately, neither of them noticed his slip. They were too busy thinking about his story.
Ron pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them.
'But what about your Mum,' he flushed, 'I - I mean Lily.'
Harry shifted uncomfortably. Now they were getting to things Harry himself didn't know yet. He knew that Lily was his half-aunt, but he didn't know why she'd been covering for his parents.
'Umm. She was my aunt....'
Hermione and Ron goggled at him. Harry could feel his cheeks start to burn for some reason.
'Umm, yeah, she was -'
A dark voice above the three interrupted Harry's words.
'Harry,' they all looked up. Ron scrambled to his feet and dusted off his robes while Hermione and Harry straightened on the bench.
As silently as always, Professor Snape had swept up to them at some point in their conversation. He was holding Harry's new pensieve and staring impassively down at the Gyrffindors. Harry cleared his throat and stood.
'You and I have some unfinished business,' Severus winced inwardly. He hadn't meant that to sound so... dire. He was almost ridculously relieved when Harry didn't blanch, just nodded and stepped after him as he turned toward the dungeons, and his rooms.
Harry handed Hermione his mutilated slice of birthday cake and headed down the corridor after the disappearing professor. When he glanced back just before turning the corner, his two friends were staring apprehensively after him. He darted them a small smile of reassurance, then hurried after Severus.
He had just caught up with the man when he halted before a landscape painting not far from the Potions classroom. Harry eyed the painting curiously. It depicted a dismal mountain-scape and Harry could see no visible subject to receive the password. That was until he realised that the tree in the foreground of the painting had a face.
Severus shifted the weight of the pensieve in his arms and smirked at Harry as he uttered the password.
'Prongs.'
Harry started and stated up at the man that was his father.
Severus answered the unvoiced question he read in Harry's face, 'That has been my password at least once a year since you arrived at Hogwarts. It is purely coincidence that you should choose it at the same time,' a thoughtful expression flitted across Severus's face, 'Or.... Perhaps not.'
He pushed the painting clear as it clicked open and ushered Harry into his rooms. He had to sidestep to avoid colliding with the boy when he followed him in. Harry had stopped dead just across the threshold and was staring around him in surprise.
'It's not green!' he exclaimed.
Severus snorted.
'Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a great fan of the colour green.'
Harry flushed but didn't turn his eyes from his perusal of the room he found himself in. The walls weren't bare stone like the dungeon classroom; they were plastered in a deep-blue gray, echoing the slate of the floor. Several wall-tapestries in warm autumn colours offset the coldness of the effect.
Toward the back of the room stood a stately old mahogany wood desk, littered with various scrolls and tomes. Bookcases standing between the tapestries were cluttered with a wide variety of objects besides the vast collection of books. Strange looking potions bottles stood shoulder to shoulder with statuettes of ancient Egyptian and Greek gods, whilst a golden snitch canted to one side where it lay against a perfectly persevered skeleton of a bat.
On the wall perpendicular to the desk was a large hearth. Here was the only sign that the occupant of these rooms was actually a Slytherin: incredibly life-like twin snakes wound their way up the mantle posts. Before the hearth lay a plush rug the colour of burnt amber. Two wingback chairs upholstered in deep blue brocade faced the hearth over the rug: one showing signs of frequent use, the other only lightly scuffed.
The wall above the hearth was blank, which was something rarely seen. The mantle piece was nearly empty as well. At one end sat a silver tray holding several tumblers and a crystal decanter of some amber liquid. By the tray was the mantle piece's only other ornament: a small framed photograph.
Harry drew closer to it.
James was holding Harry this time. Harry guessed he must have been around nine months old when this picture was taken. His father had him in a firm grasp and was holding him above his head. They were both laughing. Another person stepped into view and reached to take Harry. It was Lily. Harry held out his tiny arms to her and James handed him over, wrapping an arm around Lily's shoulders instead. The three of them turned to face the photographer. James threw the person a kiss and Harry realised Severus must have taken the picture.
Harry reached out a tentative hand to pick up the photo. He jumped when something hissed at him. The that snake wound about the nearer mantle post had pulled its head from the stone work and was flickering its tongue in Harry's direction.
Harry stepped back hastily and turned away from the hearth. Severus had deposited the pensieve on a small table between the wingback chairs and was watching Harry from beneath hooded eyes. He made no comment on the photograph or the snake, just gestured Harry to the less worn chair.
Harry took the pro-offered seat and Severus sat as well. The silence stretched uncomfortably between them. Neither of them knew what to say or where to start. They still hadn't worked out how to interact with one another as father and son.
'I thought you hated Dad,' Harry suddenly blurted.
Severus stirred. He didn't know whether to be relieved Harry had given him somewhere to start, or to be perturbed that he had started with that particular comment.
'I did,' Severus decided to be as frank as possible with his son, not wishing for any falsehoods to stand between them any longer, 'at first. And especially after he saved my life from Black's childish prank.'
Severus's lip curled in a snarl. Harry realised reluctantly that, while his father's act towards Lupin seemed to be just that, an act, Severus appeared to genuinely hate Sirius.
Severus shook off his dislike for his son's godfather. Now was not the time to dwell on such a thing.
'Lily convinced me to give him a second chance,' Severus smirked at some distant memory, 'she actually locked us in a room once, until we would agree to talk civilly to each other. She'd spelled the door closed and since she was by the far the best of us at Charms, neither James nor I could get the door open.
'Of course, we weren't going to give in and chat amicably until she decided to release us. James was too stubborn for that, and I was just too proud to let my little sister get the better of me,' Severus snorted self- deprecatingly.
'James and I were forced into being reluctant allies. We used sheer power to overcome Lily's spell. In the process the door was reduced to kindling. Lily was mad at us both for thwarting her plan and James and I went straight back to being adversaries. But we were never so malicious to one another after that.'
Harry realised he was sitting forward in his chair, hanging on the visions conjured as Severus recalled the beginning of his relationship with James. Severus was staring beyond the room, beyond the here and now, down the long halls of memory: 'That was at the end of our fifth year.
'Lily had always kept in contact with me over the summer holidays. We'd owl one another. That summer, she began telling me the news she had of James, keeping me up to date on all his activities. James told me later that she had done the same with him, passing on everything I told her, whether he was interested or not.
'Lily should have been in Slytherin; she manipulated us both so masterfully. By the time sixth year began, the enmity James and I went no deeper than the surface. I was... Indifferent to him.
'But Lily couldn't be satisfied with that. She told me once that she wouldn't be happy until "her two favourite men loved each other as much as she loved us".
'She had her work cut out for her,' Severus's eyes focused briefly on Harry, 'I don't think I've ever met a man as stubborn as you father. I didn't exactly make it easy for her, either. I wasn't about to admit that there was a possibility that I had been wrong in my first assessment of James Potter, the Gryffindor Heir.'
Harry wasn't sure what to make of this tale. The professor, always so jealous about guarding his private life, didn't seem to be keeping much, if anything, back. The black eyes trained on Harry were open, when before they had only ever been masked, barring those few slips Harry had witnessed.
'Lily would drag one or the other of us off to meet the other every chance she got. In the end, James and I gave in. We became reluctant allies again, just to prevent Lily forcing us together at every turn. Over time, the relationship developed further. We became.... Friends.'
The obsidian eyes unfocused again, seeing some long lost moment.
'The summer after sixth year, we communicated sporadically. Nothing like the number of owls Lily sent me, but enough. I was actually looking forward to seeing him again when seventh year began, along with Lily, whom I always missed.
'Seventh year began, with Lily, James and I keeping secret rendezvous with one another. Few people even knew Lily and I were friends. *None* but the three of us saw through the masks James and I wore where anyone else could see us.
'Then, a month after school had begun, James and I were waiting for Lily to arrive. We were sitting next to one another, talking about some inane thing. With no warning, James just turned and kissed me.'
Severus stood up, Harry watching his every movement. He moved to the tray on the mantle piece and poured himself a glass of the vintage scotch in the crystal decanter. As much as he would have liked to knock back the entire glass, he constrained himself to just enough to soothe his throat before continuing.
'When James drew back, all I could do was stare at him for a time. I'm sorry to say that when I moved again, it was to leave, hastily. Lily was just arriving as I quit the room. I could her calling out, asking me what was wrong. Then James called out, trying to get me to wait.
'I avoided him for the next month. And Lily as much as she would let me, which wasn't much. I was confused. Not about my sexual preference; I had known I was gay for several years by that point. I'd even allowed myself to acknowledge the fact that I found James attractive.
'I didn't know what James wanted from me. You must understand; I never received affection at home except in return for something. My mother was a cold woman. Every gesture she made was calculated and the consequences weighed with no regard for personal feelings. If she offered any affection, it was sure sign she was after something. She manipulated me from the time I could walk.
'Even my father used me; for all that he was a mild man. My mother dominated him, used him in the same way she used me, and everybody else. He, in his turn, came to me for the affection he never received from his wife. He used me as a buffer between them. I had been so manipulated with affection that I didn't recognise it when it was freely given.'
The tumbler made its way to his lips again, and Severus realised he'd already drunk half the scotch in the glass. Harry was watching him avidly. The story of Severus's parents began to explain the man's cold demeanour.
'It took Lily lecturing me on how to treat her friends, and James cornering me, to convince me that James wanted nothing from me that I wasn't prepared to give.'
Severus sipped at his scotch again, then turned to top it up before continuing.
'It was me that initiated the kiss that time.'
Harry shifted uncomfortably. As much as he wanted to hear the story of his parents, he kind of wished Severus would leave out the parts of them being.... intimate. Severus caught the movement and smirked.
'After that, James and I became.... a couple. And still no one knew except Lily. That is, until Lupin decided to follow your father to our rendezvous one day. He entered the room just as I was.... greeting James,' Severus smirked again as Harry fidgeted, 'needless to say, he was shocked to see the two of us together in the first place, let alone in such a manner. I was still wary of him and was all for using a Memory Charm on him, but James and Lily wouldn't agree to it. It seemed his word was good enough for them.
'I must concede, he was as good as his word. He never even told Black - who, by the way, still doesn't know the truth about your parentage.'
Harry wasn't surprised. He was sure Sirius would likely have either disowned him, or tried to kill Snape by now if he knew the truth.
Severus's smirk turned truly evil, 'We must do something about that.'
In that moment, Harry despaired of ever seeing Severus and Sirius stand in the same room without trying to tear one another's throats out.
The tumbler rose to Severus's lips again and Harry wished he could have a drink as well. Just something to distract him slightly, a nervous reaction, a way of relieving the tension. Instead, he knitted his fingers together and each thumb began to battle against the other.
'We graduated. At the time, I believed the next two months to be the worst I would ever experience,' a mirthless laugh, 'Unfortunately, I was wrong.'
Again the tumbler made the trip to Severus's mouth and he took a hefty swallow.
'I didn't see James or Lily once in those two months. I even began to miss Remus. But the loneliness wasn't the worst of it. I only wish it were.
'By that time, my mother was a loyal follower of Voldemort and nothing would do except for her son to follow in her footsteps. I wanted nothing to do with the hypocritical, self-proclaimed Dark Lord. I refused. Or at least, I tried to.
'Some how, my mother had gotten wind of my friendship with Lily. Only Lily, fortunately, and she didn't realise that Lily was actually my half-sister. But she used Lily against me. Threatened to destroy the "filthy mud-blood" as she called Lily if I didn't comply with her wishes and take the Dark Mark.
'I took it. I believed Lily and James would want nothing further to do with me, but I would not let my mother harm Lily.'
Severus drained his tumbler and set it, empty, on the tray. He rested both his hands on the mantle piece and stared down into the empty fire-pit. Harry stared at his back. This man was his father. This man had been hurt much like him as a child.
'I won't bore you with the details of the Death Eater meetings I forced to attend. Suffice it to say it was not something I ever wanted to repeat. Unfortunately, I didn't seem to have a choice in the matter. I stopped owling Lily and James, didn't read any of the messages that were piling up on my desk.
'I successfully avoided them both until Father helped them "ambush" me. He waited until he knew my mother would be absent from the house for a considerable time, then flooed them directly into my room.'
Severus still had his back turned to Harry and his voice was sounding oddly strained as he continued.
'They eventually got the story out of me; they wouldn't leave me alone until I told them. James assured me that they still loved me - that was the first time that he said it. That he loved me.'
Harry could see Severus's knuckles clenching white on the carved stone of the mantle piece. For a time, nothing more was said. Then Severus visibly forced himself to relax and, still without turning, continued.
'James and Lily convinced me to go to Dumbledore for help. *He*,' Severus almost spat this, 'convinced me to turn spy. Young and foolish as I was, I agreed, thinking I could actually prevent the atrocities Voldemort was committing. We both know how wrong I was about that.'
Severus finally turned from the hearth. He didn't look at Harry at all as he resumed his seat and his tale.
'It was all so easy at first. I was too young to attend many of the meetings. For the most part, both Voldemort and Dumbledore left me to my own devices. I spent as much time as I could without raising suspicions with Lily and James, and occasionally Remus. My father was the only one who knew anything of this, and even he didn't know the extent.
'Only the four of us knew James and I were a couple. And there was only the four of us present when James and I were married almost a year later. Remus officiated and Lily bore us witness. James and I had to wear our rings about our necks, layered under concealment charms Lily had set on them.'
Severus pulled at the silver chain about his neck and withdrew a silver ring from within his robes. He slipped the chain over his head and passed it to Harry. Harry took it carefully and stared down at the wide band of silver. Lying in the palm of his hand was the concrete proof that James and Severus had been married, that both men were his fathers. He rolled the ring between his fingers and an inscription on the inside caught his eye: "James and Severus - one heart"
Harry was still staring at it when the chain and ring were plucked out of his hand and he watched as his father slipped the chain about his neck again and carefully tucked the ring out of sight once more.
'A month later, we discovered I was pregnant.'
Harry sat up straight and interrupted for the first time, 'About that....'
'How is it possible?' Severus anticipated the question. He didn't even wait for Harry's affirmative nod to begin the explanation, 'It's easier than one would suppose. Both the wizards must be magically strong and,' Severus's mouth twisted faintly, 'very much in love. There also must be the desire, whether conscious or unconscious, to have a child. Generally, the pregnancy forms in the magically stronger of the two wizards, but it also depends on several other factors such as physical strength, hormonal stability and - I maintain - to some degree, the blood-magic type.'
Severus's hands flared in an imitation of a shrug, 'I was the one who fell pregnant.'
Severus's voice turned grim and an expression more familiar to Harry than any he'd seen this afternoon settled over the Potion Master's face.
'But as happy as James and I were, it posed so many problems and risks.' Harry's expression flickered; only briefly, but Severus saw it and picked up on the reason. He turned sober eyes on Harry, 'Don't think for a moment that we didn't want you. When Lily tentatively suggested we terminate you, I threw her out of the house and James wouldn't talk to her for a week.
'He only forgave her because she was ultimately the one that suggested the solution.' Severus stopped talking and looked expectantly at Harry. It took Harry a moment to understand that Severus was silently asking him if he could figure out what Lily had suggested.
If hadn't been inappropriate under the circumstances, he would have considered snorting. Even in such a discussion, the Professor had found a way to test Harry's intelligence. But Harry had already had all morning to think about this one.
'She suggested that for public appearance, she and James should appear to marry, and then when I was born, I would be passed off as her son?' Harry ended his summary on a questioning note. He relaxed minutely when Severus nodded curtly.
'Very few people knew Lily was my sister and even fewer knew James and I could even tolerate each other. It was, it seemed, the perfect plan. Lily would pose as James's wife and when you were born, you would publicly be known as Lily's child. I would visit covertly, never coming home when there was any chance of my being seen. Lily even found a charm that would transfer all the visible symptoms of my pregnancy onto her.
'I "disappeared" for the nine months of my pregnancy. I had told my mother - who naturally passed it on to Voldemort - that I was travelling to the Continent to research potions. I lived in concealment with James, and Lily, in an apartment near Diagon Alley. They were publicly there; Remus was the only other that knew where I was.'
Harry noted that Severus's face had gone tight, as though he was clenching his jaw.
'Then you were born and for another month you, James and I, and Lily, were the perfect family. I only wished I could have introduced you to my father. Everybody adored you.
'But the time came that I had to leave again. I "returned" from the Continent with the research I had done in my spare time whilst carrying you. I was welcomed back into the fold, at a more senior level among the Death Eaters. My mother was so proud.
'Then, for the first time, my position as a spy paid off and I wished to god it hadn't. The first piece of useful intelligence I gleaned for Dumbledore was Voldemort's intention to do away with James, Lily and you.'
Resting on the chair's arms, Severus's hands had curled into claws. Harry shivered. Severus's voice was low and ominous when he spoke again.
'I wanted to kill Voldemort with my bare hands.'
The fingers curled into fists, which trembled on the armrests.
'All I could do was feign dispassion and report my findings to Dumbledore, hoping he would find a way to protect my family.
'Lily and James left London and moved to Godric's Hollow. For a few short months, that house there became our home. I could still only visit infrequently and you grew so much each time I was away.
'Then Dumbledore suggested James and Lily use the Fidelus Charm to hide their location, suggested that he be their secret-keeper. I was away on a mission at the time. I only got the owl in time to see you all one more time before the charm was cast.
'They chose Black to be their secret-keeper. I know he was James's best friend, but I didn't like him. By that stage, James and Lily suspected that someone close to them was working against them, feeding information to Voldemort.
'I returned to Godric's Hollow and stayed with you all as long as I could. But the charm had to be cast and I had to leave on another mission.'
The silence hung heavy over the room and Harry's hands were trembling now. Severus was staring resolutely away from Harry; his eyes fixed on some object on the shelves. Harry started when Severus spoke again, unexpectedly.
'Black must have convinced them to change secret-keepers at the last moment, after I'd left already.'
The silence was heavier this time. Harry felt like jumping up and running from the room, fleeing from what he knew was coming next. He wrapped his arms tight about his middle.
'Two weeks later, the Dark Mark flared painfully on my arm, and then faded away to almost nothing. I had an awful premonition. I returned to Godric's Hollow as quickly as I could.'
Harry saw a solitary tear seep from the corner of his father's fathomless eyes.
'There was nothing there when I arrived. No sign of whom had lived in that house, or even that it had been a house that had stood there. All that remained was a pile of rapidly cooling rubble. James and Lily were gone, no remains left. At the time I thought you had been killed as well.'
No more tears fell from Severus's eyes, but the pain he still felt was visible in every line of his body. Harry's own tears were running down his cheeks as he recalled the cries the dementors had dragged from his memory; the final moments of his father and - he now knew - his aunt. He slipped a cold hand under the frame of his glasses and brushed the tears from his lashes.
'I would have been sick with relief when I found out you'd survived if I had let myself feel anything at all. I closed off all emotion that day. When Remus came to see me, I gave him the cold shoulder. I blamed him for not saving James and Lily almost as much as I blamed myself.'
Severus lapsed into silence, staring blankly at the wall, trying to repress once more the memories he had deliberately stirred up for his son's benefit.
Harry's tears dried on his cheeks. The story explained a lot, but not enough. There was still another question Severus hadn't answered; one that mattered to Harry almost more than any other.
'Why did you leave me at the Dursleys?'
Severus actually winced at that question.
'You were safer there in the immediate aftermath. There were still Death Eaters around that would have done anything to kill you.
'I had been brought in for questioning over my Death Eater activities. It took all Dumbledore's influence just to get me pardoned, Harry. They never would have let me take you anyway. What would it look like: Me, a highly suspect former Death Eater trying to claim the Boy Who Lived as my own son?' Severus laughed harshly, 'That would have landed me in Azkaban for sure.'
Harry shivered, 'But what about after? When it had all died down a little?'
Severus turned to look at his son, appraising him. He had decided earlier to give the boy the truth. He didn't suppose he could stop now.
'I was afraid, Harry. Afraid of so many things. I was afraid I couldn't be a good father to you without James, or even Lily, there to help me. I was afraid you would hate me. I was afraid that some misguided fool of a Death Eater might try to kill you.
'But mostly I was afraid that they would take you away from me if I tried to claim you. I decided it would be easier never to have you, then to have you for a short time, then see you taken away.'
Severus turned away again, 'It was extremely selfish and cowardly of me. But it is in the past and cannot be changed. All I can ask is that one day you will forgive me.'
Harry nodded, though Severus didn't see.
But still, one more issue stood between them. One that needed to be resolved before Harry could truly begin to accept this man as his father.
'Why did you treat me so badly when I finally arrived at Hogwarts?' his voice trembled on the last words and Harry suddenly wished he could take the question back and remain forever ignorant of the answer.
It was too late. Severus was turning back to him, looking him in the eye.
'Because it was easier.'
Harry blanched and Severus sighed and rubbed the side of one hand against the palm of the other.
'Because I didn't want to care about you. It didn't work. I still cared about you. When Dumbledore gave you that *damn* cloak of James's, I wanted to strangle him. It made keeping track of you so much harder.
'Every time I yelled at you, I was twisting every good emotion and memory and using the pain to lash out at you. I couldn't let you get close. There was always the possibility that I would slip and the truth would come out and you would be in even more danger than before.'
Severus stood to pace back to the mantle. He poured himself another finger of scotch and sipped at it.
'In your third year, Remus began pressuring me to tell you the truth. I - reacted badly,' Harry snorted, and Severus smirked into his tumbler, 'an understatement, I know. But I believed revealing the truth would put you in the path of further danger and that was something I would not condone, not under any circumstances.'
Harry nodded, not knowing what else to do. Severus knocked back the last of his scotch and returned the tumbler to the tray. He moved back to his wingback chair and.... slouched.... into its welcoming arms. He didn't know what to say now, either.
So they sat both in silence, both turning over and over the day's conversation.
Harry was staring at Severus's profile, trying to see himself in that face. Everybody was right. He *did* resemble James more than Severus. But Harry decided that he *would* like to be able to look at Severus Snape and say 'See that man? He is my father. I take after him in these ways....'
One day. But not yet. It was too soon, too new and raw. Harry couldn't quite bring himself to forgive this man all the pain he had caused him just yet. But over time...
It would be hard, and they would both have to work at it, but Harry believed - hoped really - that eventually they could interact as father and son.
TBC
AN: it just occurred to me. I could almost leave it here. But I'm not that mean. Besides, there are still too many loose ends that need tying up. I hope you all appreciate the effort that went into this chapter... I started writing from the presents on at 5:30 this afternoon. It's now - hang on, let me just check - 1:20 in the morning! Make that yesterday afternoon.
I did my best to keep Sev in character. I know its not perfect, but I think I did pretty okay. What do you think?
Before anyone comments on it, the pensieve memories will feature in the next chapter.
I'm going to bed. Ooo.... mustn't forget to thank my Muses for coming through so well for me tonight.... Night, night, loyal readers.
ermm.... Do they have pavlova in Britain? I wouldn't know. Or is that Peach Melba I'm thinking of? Oh well.
Erm. about not telling you what the rest of the presents were (like the one from RON) I'm a hopeless git and I couldn't think of anything original. The ones I *did* get took me long enough. *throws up her hands* O, woe is me! *grins maniacally*
And I know, I took the easy way out with the explanation of the actual pregnancy. But if you want the story soon, you have to expect a few sacrifices. That was one of them.
Okay I know I stuffed up the whole Godric's Hollow thing, but it had to be done, or else it wouldn't fit in with something I said earlier. Also, forgive me if the time frame between the casting of the Charm and Voldie's attack is off. I don't know the correct one, I made it up.