AN: a ~ (tilda) at the beginning of a paragraph or line denotes memories
from the pensieve since I can't figure out how to get italics to work for
me.
Ah! My reviewers!
Elektra Joradees Gamblin: Elektra! Good to see you again! Erm, not that you were ever missing.... I never thought of that present. I blame it on the rush to get the story out there. =P
Lee Lee Potter: Ooo! A story! Must go and find it. And hurry up with and blind!Harry one, okay?
No-name: Erm, thank you. For some strange reason you make me think of my cousin....
SilverWolf: I'm always nice to my Muses! *cough*cough* =D And who could resist Sev in any form?
Blank blank blank underscore blank: Sev and James aren't my favourite combination. I'm sorry that you feel that way about slash, but I'm glad I managed to hold you until the 10th chapter. Who knows, you might even keep on coming back until the end.... I'm glad you reviewed regardless of your personal sentiments
rosie: Yeah, I was getting sick of all the Sev/Lily as Harry's parents fics, so voila. There's no great significance with the dagger of Harry's mark. More a curiosity than anything. All is explained in this chap. As for Sev spying, I haven't quite figured that out yet, but you'll be the first to know.... figuratively speaking
Tantz: nice to see you back! I never like waiting for chapters, so I try not to be a hypocrite and keep others waiting. Whew! I'm glad I managed to get Sev in something resembling his character
linds: new reader? Welcome! I reckon Harry, being the good-natured boy he is, would do is best, so that's what I made him do....
Azaelian: a glowing review! *blushes furiously* Thank you. My imagination is warped and my Muses contrary. Sometimes they're helpful. But more often, their not *pulls out her bomby-knocker and threatens her slack-arse Muses*
Z: I never like reading a story in dribs and drabs either, but I'm glad you came back for more. About that back story: it might take me a while, but the idea's certainly got its claws into me.
Azaelian (again): yes, that was the ubiquitous explanation chapter. Over and done with finally. Thanks for being frank about Sev being ooc. I knew he was, but there wasn't really much I could do about it.
Chapter Eleven: Visions of a time lost forever
The silence was deafening, the stillness paralysing.
Harry and Severus were sitting in the blue brocade wingback chairs before the hearth in the Potion Master's rooms, staring in opposite directions.
The stillness of Severus was to be expected; he was naturally a self- contained man. He made no movement that didn't have a pre-determined purpose. But where his muscles were usually in a semblance of relaxation, this evening they were taut, ready for sudden action, waiting for a blow to land from some unknown direction.
His black eyes were half lidded as they stared into the ether, fixed on some imaginary point in the air. He was laying old and painful memories to rest. Or at least trying to. But with the same perversity that led one to continuously test a sore tooth to insure it still hurt, he kept reviewing the images and moments in his mind, forcing himself to stare the pain in the eyes. He was waiting for that final straw that would break the back of his resolve and loose his turbulent emotions to the public's eye.
Stillness in Harry, however, was unnatural. The Gryffindor Seeker usually exhibited some sign of movement, of awareness; a finger would twitch, the eyes flicker from one point to another, every now and then a leg would adjust to a more comfortable position. So to see the young man absolutely immobile was uncanny.
His normally bright green eyes were glazed over with a myriad of thoughts, memories and emotions as he stared fixedly at a wall-tapestry, completely without seeing the complex patterns woven in greens and yellows.
A clock chimed the fifth hour of the evening from its position on the bookshelf. Harry jumped and blinked owlishly. He abruptly recalled where he was and in whose company he sat. The green eyes sought out the other man. Harry stared at the professor from beneath his lashes. The man was impassive. It irked Harry that he seemed impervious to the sting of the emotions that lingered in the air.
Harry's teeth clenched. However much he would like it to be otherwise, there was still a ways to go before Harry could forgive all the hurt that had been dealt him over the years. Harry's eyes trailed down to the long- fingered hands Severus had steepled beneath his chin. Harry stared down at his own hands spread now over his thigh.
That was enough reason to try wasn't it? No matter what Harry had believed Snape to be to him until two days ago, the fact that they were blood deserved a chance, right? Harry sighed. Even if he truly believed Snape didn't deserve a chance, Harry owed it to himself. All he'd ever wanted was a family, someone that he could call his no matter what happened.
He would be a fool to turn his back on his father simply because he couldn't forgive a façade. He would be denying himself the only thing he had ever truly wanted out of sheer spite. Harry liked to flatter himself he wasn't such a fool to do that. But....
.... Not just yet. Harry needed more time first. Time to think. And he couldn't do it sitting not two paces from the embodiment of his emotional dilemma.
Decisively, Harry stood. His sudden movement attracted the other's glance and Harry found himself staring into Severus's gaze. Harry knew their eyes were talking to each other, but he had no idea what was being said. The meaning seemed to distil directly into his sub-conscience, bypassing his waking mind altogether.
Severus nodded his head soberly and Harry turned away. He understood what had been said, now.
Silently, Harry had communicated his desire to work at the relationship, but also the fact he required time before he could make any attempt at reconciliation. Severus had understood and, without saying a word, told Harry he would give him the time he needed and, when Harry was ready, he would be waiting. With one nod, he had conveyed to Harry that he would be welcome in the dungeon quarters should he wish to visit.
Although Harry didn't look back, he could feel the dark weight of Severus's gaze follow him across the room. It left him just before he slipped from behind the landscape and into the dungeon corridor. Harry risked a glance back as the painting swung closed behind him. His father was staring at the wall again, one hand now wrapped around the ring that had hung concealed from his neck for over fifteen years.
Harry had been staring at canopy of his bed for almost seven hours now. He knew because he had just heard the distant chiming of a clock as it marked the midnight hour.
It was amazing how many times you could go over the same thoughts in your head and still come to the same conclusions. But then, what was it that American muggle had once said? That insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting the different results?
Harry rolled onto his side. What he really needed was something new to add to the mix, some new perspective he hadn't seen the whole situation from before. The obvious answer was to talk to someone. And the obvious someone was Hermione or Ron.
But Harry didn't want to talk to his friends until he had a clearer idea of how he felt. He believed he would simply come away from any conversation with them feeling more muddled then he went in. Ron would, naturally, support him, but all comments would be coloured by his intense dislike for the Potions Master even if he tried to temper it for Harry's sake. Hermione, Harry was convinced, would do one of two things. She would either strip all emotion from the situation and look at the bare facts, or she would ignore the facts and tell Harry to follow his heart. Which wouldn't help in the least, because right now Harry's heart was telling him to go in several different directions and he couldn't follow them all.
Harry supposed he could talk to Professor Dumbledore. The headmaster was always willing to lend an ear. But all Harry would get out of him would be ambiguous snippets of advice that wouldn't make any sense until long after they'd ceased to be of any use to him.
There was, he supposed, always Remus. But Harry quickly rejected that idea. He liked the professor well enough, loved him like another godfather even, and he was a good listener. But he was too closely involved in the whole situation for Harry's comfort right now.
Harry briefly considered sending a letter to Sirius. But he could just see that going over well:
"Dear Sirius, I've just found out that your arch rival was married to Dad and is, in fact, my father. I was wondering what you think I should do?"
All that would gain Harry was a murdered father and, quite likely, no godfather either. It would probably take many long hours and strong restraints to break the news to the animagus.
What Harry really needed right now was to talk to Hagrid. Harry distracted himself briefly by imagining how the encounter would go: Harry's first real friend would invite him down to the hut at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. He would make tea and offer Harry something to eat, which Harry would politely refuse. After making small talk about Norbert and the latest addition to Hagrid's menagerie, the half-giant would get to the heart of the matter. He would sit silently, occasionally nodding his great shaggy head as Harry poured out all his worries and fears. When Harry rambled to a close, Hagrid would offer his take on the matter. That view would be sure to be free of any prejudice against Snape and see right to the simplest heart of the situation. Then he would rumble a laugh and begin to recount to Harry some anecdote he remembered of Harry's fathers from when they had attended Hogwarts....
Harry's eyes widened. The pensieve! He had forgotten all about the pensieve he had been given for his birthday! The note had said Severus had siphoned off some of his own memories into it. Surely that would be able to give him some new morsel that might aid him in reaching a resolution.
Then he remembered where it was. He sagged back into his pillows. Harry had left it sitting on the table between the chairs in Severus's quarters. He'd just have to wait until morning to retrieve it. He sighed and flopped over onto his back.
Then he jumped up and hurried to his trunk. Flipping the lid up, he pulled out his invisibility cloak. He decided he wasn't in the mood to wait. All he would do was stare blankly into the night and let the same old thoughts roll about in his head until dawn. He slipped beneath the cloak and disappeared from sight. The trunk closed and a moment later the door opened and shut as the invisible presence departed.
The grim-looking tree at the front of the mountain-scape glared suspiciously into the empty hall as a voice whispered the password. The painting reluctantly swung outwards and the invisible Harry tiptoed into the room beyond.
A single torch burnt in a wall sconce above the desk. By it's light Harry could see that the room was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief. He directed his gaze away from the closed bedroom door, toward the opposite side of the room, where the pensieve still sat.
A silvery light danced softly on the cold dungeon ceiling above the magical device, casting shadows like half-formed images of the memories within its bowl. Harry glided slowly over to it, careful to make no sound. He stared down at it for a moment, wondering what he would see if he were to make use of the pensieve here and now.
Harry shook himself. Here was not the place to find out. He bent down and picked up the stone basin. Carelessly.
Harry's thumbs dipped into the silver-white memories swirling about in the bowl. The surface cleared, showing another room, seemingly empty. The invisibility cloak slid unnoticed from Harry's shoulders.
Black eyes glittered through the crack of the barely open door of the bedroom as Harry appeared in the middle of the room, the invisibility cloak pooled at his feet, the boy himself canting forward over the pensieve.
~ When Harry slipped from the dark whirlpool he remembered so well from the previous year, he found himself standing in an almost empty room. He was facing a closed door. The floor and walls were bare. In one corner stood a battered bench and even tattier desk that was missing one leg. The room had no windows, so Harry had no idea where this room was, but it had that distinctive feel he associated with Hogwarts.
~ He was alone in the room. But that wasn't right. He *couldn't* be alone inside someone else's memory. He turned around.
~ Standing directly behind, staring through him at the door was a young boy. Harry decided he was no more than thirteen years old. Since he had black hair and midnight eyes - and there was no one else in the room - Harry quite rightly concluded that this was the young Severus Snape.
~ Harry stepped closer and bent down to examine the boy's face. It was open. Well not totally, but Harry suspected his father had never been particularly open, not even at this age. But it was more open then Harry had ever seen. Harry could read the eyes.
~ Severus was waiting. Rather irritably. His foot began to tap. Suddenly, the door slammed open behind Harry and Severus's face lightened then settled into a habitual scowl. Before Harry could turn to see who had entered to cause such a reaction, he had the singularly odd opportunity to witness someone appear *out* *of* him as the young girl rushed through the spot he stood and flung her arms about Severus's waist.
~ Harry stepped back against the wall to avoid being stepped through again - he wasn't sure he cared for the experience - and watched as his father's memory unfolded.
~ Severus's face and voice were stern when he addressed the girl wrapped about him.
~ 'You're late.'
~ 'You'll never guess what I just found out,' babbled the girl into Severus's robes.
~ Severus set his hands on her shoulders and forcibly broke her limpet-like hold on him. Harry gasped when he saw her face. Harry's own green eyes stared at Severus from beneath a mop of red-gold hair. This could only be the young Lily Evans, Severus's only friend from his early years at Hogwarts.
~ Severus sighed and Harry could see him trying to feign disinterest in the cause of the younger student's excitement.
~ 'What did you discover? That Gryffindorks have a singular lack of anything remotely resembling intelligence?'
~ Lily gasped and pointed her nose in the air.
~ 'If you're going to be like that, I'm not going to tell you,' she pouted.
~ 'Ha!' snorted Severus, 'You won't last. You never do.'
~ 'I will this time! And it's something that concerns you too, so...' Harry got the impression that his young aunt would have stuck out her tongue if she hadn't considered it below herself to do such a thing.
~ 'Fine by me then,' Severus crossed his arms.
~ 'Fine!' Lily snapped back.
~ 'Fine,' replied Severus, just to have the last word.
~ Silence fell, both young students trying to glare the other down. Harry covered his mouth to stifle his laughter, forgetting completely that neither of them could see nor hear him. The silence stretched and Harry was beginning to wonder if that was all there was to this memory. Then Severus broke, his curiosity getting the better of him.
~ 'Oh, all right! What did you just find out?' he snapped out in ill grace.
~ Lily's face brightened immediately and she was again bouncing with the same excitement that had carried her into the room.
~ 'Oh, it's *wonderful* Severus! I was in the library reading a charms book -' Severus rolled his eyes and Harry decided Lily must have been like Hermione, '- and I found this one called the Familius Charm!'
~ 'Is that all? That's just a useless old charm that tells you who your family is,' Severus grouched.
~ 'I know!' exclaimed Lily enthusiastically, 'I cast it, too!
~ 'It spelled out the name of my sister,' Lily's nose crinkled and Harry had to agree, 'and my mother's name, but not my father's!'
~ 'What?' Harry could see that Severus was reluctantly intrigued now.
~ 'It surprised me too. But the best part was the name it spelled out next!' Lily paused and grinned almost maniacally at the young Slytherin, 'you'll never guess who it was.'
~ Severus rolled his eyes, 'Just tell me, Lily. You know how I detest guessing games.'
~ 'It spelt out the name "Severus Snape",' Lily clearly enunciated.
~ Severus's jaw dropped and he gaped at her. Harry grinned at the expression of pure shock on the face of the boy who would grow into his father.
~ 'What?'
~ Lily was nodding, 'And then it spelt out *your* father's name.'
~ Severus's mouth snapped shut.
~ 'You cast the charm correctly?'
~ Lily glared at him, 'Of course I did. I even checked it and recast it two more times, with the same results.'
~ Severus's face slowly relaxed and spread into a wide grin, a never before seen sight to Harry's eyes.
~ 'You're my little sister,' he stated.
~ Lily nodded again and threw her arms around Severus's neck once more. Harry saw the boy wrap his arms around the girl's waist before the scene began to dissolve into swirling darkness.
~ A moment later, a new scene began to solidify about him. He found himself standing in a familiar grotto on the shore of the Hogwarts lake. It was late afternoon. Sitting on the grass before him were two raven-haired young men. Harry moved around them until he could see their faces.
~ It was his fathers, both James Potter and Severus Snape. Harry guessed they were seventeen, nearing the end of their last year at Hogwarts. They were both sitting with their knees bent up. James's right arm was slung about Severus's waist and Severus was grasping the hand at his hip in his left hand, their fingers intertwined. Both boys had their free arms draped over their knees.
~ They were silent. Harry stared at them, taking in the sight of his parents in this quiet moment together. Harry wondered why Severus had given him this particular memory. Surely it must be one of his favourite, something to be savoured only by himself? It was so peaceful, so... tender. Harry found himself momentarily wishing he had someone he could sit on the lakeshore like this with.
~ James moved. He took gentle hold of Severus's right wrist and turned it towards him. He ran a thumb over what Harry knew must be the wizard-mark.
~ 'Its so visible,' he murmured. Harry strained to hear his voice more clearly. It was the first time he could remember hearing his Dad's voice outside of the awful memories conjured by the dementors.
~ Severus stirred beside James and tugged at his wrist, but James wouldn't let it go.
~ 'It's a wizard-mark. You didn't expect it to be invisible, did you?' he snapped.
~ James ignored his tone, 'It's just that mine isn't in such an obvious place.'
~ 'Oh?' inquired Severus, trying to sound disinterested.
~ James grinned broadly and Harry smiled with him.
~ 'Its on the inside of my thigh,' he made a movement to bare his thigh, 'Would you like to see it?'
~ Harry shook his head frantically, hoping his father wouldn't have given him a memory like *that*. Apparently he hadn't. The young Severus was shaking his head too, 'No I would not! At least, not here,' he muttered the last part and Harry flushed. James smirked knowingly.
~ He fingered Severus's mark again, 'Mine's the sun symbol above a wand.'
~ Harry started. But his mark had a dagger! James's didn't. Then where did he get the second half of his wizard-mark? Harry had an awful sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Maybe James wasn't his father after all....
~ Severus didn't reply for a moment. Then: 'Which element is the Potter legacy?'
~ James shrugged, 'The sun symbol I think.'
~ Severus twisted about and stared at him incredulously.
~ 'You don't *know*?' he asked scathingly. Harry winced in sympathy for James. It didn't look like Severus went easy even on people he loved.
~ James seemed immune to it all though. He shrugged again.
~ 'The Potters are unique in that the wizard-mark seems to change from generation to generation.'
~ Severus snorted and muttered, 'Either that, or they're impotent and the children are all changelings.'
~ James elbowed him in the side, but otherwise ignored the comment, 'My father had an ankh. My grandfather had a trefoil. Then there was a dancing flame, an upturned dagger and.... umm... I don't remember after that.'
~ James ran a nail lightly down the slope of the quill in Severus's mark, 'The elements get repeated every generation or so. I had a great uncle that had the sun symbol.'
~ Harry felt the knots in his stomach let go and he relaxed. The upturned dagger *was* an element of the Potter line. James Potter *was* his father.
~ As Harry mused, Severus had finally reclaimed his arm from James's grip.
~ 'Yes, well, I know for a *fact* where each of the elements of my wizard- mark comes from.'
~ James rolled his eyes at Severus, pecked him on the cheek and turned to gaze out over the lake again. Harry noticed then that, through out the entire conversation, James hadn't removed his arm from Severus's waist and Severus hadn't released the hand at his right hip.
~ Harry watched them for a long moment after they had lapsed back into silence. But when James turned to draw Severus into a kiss, Harry squinted his eyes shut hastily.
~ Thus it was that he missed that scene dissolving into blackness, then into another memory.
~ When Harry cautiously slitted his eyes open once more, he found himself in another room. This one had a window and through it Harry could see a muggle street. He turned around. He was standing in a bedroom. And on the bed....
~ On the bed lay Severus Snape and James Potter. Fortunately for Harry, they were fully clothed. Severus was propped up on several pillows, reading a heavy book. Harry wasn't surprised to note that it was a book on Potions.
~ James was lying perpendicular to - Harry realised as he noticed the matching chains about the two men's necks - his husband. He was talking. With a start, Harry realised James was talking to Severus's stomach. Looking closer, Harry noticed the gentle rounding of Severus's abdomen.
~ Harry understood then. James and Severus were in an apartment in London, married now, and Severus was pregnant with Harry. It was odd to stand unseen by the window and think that that the swelling of his father's stomach was actually him.
~ 'I'll take you flying everyday,' James was saying, murmuring softly to the unborn Harry, 'You'll love it up there; its wonderful.'
~ Severus snorted, buried in his book, but James ignored him. Instead, he shifted and laid one hand over his developing child.
~ 'And when you get your first wand, your aunt Lily can start teaching you all the charms you'll never need,' the second hand came up, cradling the mound.
~ 'And your daddy, here....'
~ Severus dropped his book to glare down at his husband, '*Father*. I refuse to be called "daddy".'
~ James leered up at him, 'Your *daddy* will teach you potions.'
~ Severus opened his mouth to retort, but stopped as a look of shock came over his face. Harry glanced at James to find him looking as equally shocked, staring at his hands. Then a huge grin spread over his face.
~ 'It moved! Sev! Our baby moved! Did you feel it?'
~ 'Of course I felt it! I'm the one carrying him, aren't I?'
~ James drew glowing eyes from his unborn child and turned them on his husband instead, 'Him? You think our baby is a boy?'
~ 'I *know* he's a boy,' Severus's voice was unbearably smug, and he moved a hand to lie next to James's on his abdomen. James covered it with his own and pressed them both the unborn child. He was still staring at his husband.
~ 'We're having a boy?' A look of wonder on his face he looked back down at his hands on Severus's pregnant form, 'Hello, my son,' he whispered.
~ Harry felt tears spring to his eyes and blinked them back furiously, even though no one was there to witness them if they fell. Here was proof that his fathers had wanted him. They were both lying content on the bed now, James still with both hands pressed to Severus's abdomen.
~ Harry nearly jumped when he felt a hand settle on his shoulder. He glanced up to find his father standing beside him. Harry glanced between the Severus on the bed and the Severus at his shoulder.
~ The man at his shoulder was staring somewhat mournfully at the memory of himself and James on the bed. Without looking down at Harry he spoke.
~ 'That was the first time you moved. James kept me on that bed for hours, his hands on my stomach, waiting for you to move again.'
~ He blinked hard. Harry stared into his face rather suspiciously. Severus turned then and looked down at his teenage son.
~ 'You're exhausted, Harry. You need to sleep. The rest of my memories will still be here in the morning.'
~ Harry nodded, reluctantly. He glanced back at the bed one last time before he felt himself rising into the air and the scene was melting around him. ~
Harry staggered slightly as he regained his footing in the Potions Master's chambers. He looked up from the shifting fluid in the pensieve. Severus was standing beside him, wearing a brocade lounging robe, one hand still on Harry's shoulder. He squeezed it gently before letting go and stooping to retrieve something from the floor at Harry's feet.
He handed it to Harry and Harry realised it was his invisibility cloak.
'You need not use that to enter my chambers, Harry. I *have* given you permission to come when you will.'
Harry flushed at the slightly censoring look in his father's eyes, 'I know. It's just.... I wanted the pensieve and I didn't want to wake you..'
Severus made a non-committal sound in the back of his throat. He lifted the pensieve from the table and placed it squarely in Harry's arms.
'Take it with you this time.'
Then, before he could censor the gesture, Severus reached out and caressed his son's cheek. He knew he looked just as startled as Harry as he pulled back. He hadn't meant to do that. Harry was staring wide-eyed at him.
Severus cleared his throat.
'Well, as much I enjoy midnight chats, Mr Potter, we both need our sleep.'
Harry nodded dumbly and turned for the door. He paused at the threshold and looked back.
'Goodnight.... Daddy.'
Harry grinned at the nonplussed expression on his father's face and darted down the hall before Severus could recover enough to snarl at him for calling him that.
TBC
AN: another long haul on this one. I would have started last night, but my Muses were on vacation and I was dead on my feet from being up until 2 that morning.
This one didn't take as long to write, but I've still been at it for six straight hours. All because I don't like to disappoint my reviewers and so many of you asked me to get out my next chapter.
Did you know, none of those memories were the ones I originally intended to put I. But these ones fitted better. There might be more later, but right now, I'm so tired I can't think straight.
I may or may not get the next chapter out by tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure what happens next. I have ideas for later on... Like a week before school commences... A short trip to Diagon Alley *wink*wink* no more clues for you.
Ah! My reviewers!
Elektra Joradees Gamblin: Elektra! Good to see you again! Erm, not that you were ever missing.... I never thought of that present. I blame it on the rush to get the story out there. =P
Lee Lee Potter: Ooo! A story! Must go and find it. And hurry up with and blind!Harry one, okay?
No-name: Erm, thank you. For some strange reason you make me think of my cousin....
SilverWolf: I'm always nice to my Muses! *cough*cough* =D And who could resist Sev in any form?
Blank blank blank underscore blank: Sev and James aren't my favourite combination. I'm sorry that you feel that way about slash, but I'm glad I managed to hold you until the 10th chapter. Who knows, you might even keep on coming back until the end.... I'm glad you reviewed regardless of your personal sentiments
rosie: Yeah, I was getting sick of all the Sev/Lily as Harry's parents fics, so voila. There's no great significance with the dagger of Harry's mark. More a curiosity than anything. All is explained in this chap. As for Sev spying, I haven't quite figured that out yet, but you'll be the first to know.... figuratively speaking
Tantz: nice to see you back! I never like waiting for chapters, so I try not to be a hypocrite and keep others waiting. Whew! I'm glad I managed to get Sev in something resembling his character
linds: new reader? Welcome! I reckon Harry, being the good-natured boy he is, would do is best, so that's what I made him do....
Azaelian: a glowing review! *blushes furiously* Thank you. My imagination is warped and my Muses contrary. Sometimes they're helpful. But more often, their not *pulls out her bomby-knocker and threatens her slack-arse Muses*
Z: I never like reading a story in dribs and drabs either, but I'm glad you came back for more. About that back story: it might take me a while, but the idea's certainly got its claws into me.
Azaelian (again): yes, that was the ubiquitous explanation chapter. Over and done with finally. Thanks for being frank about Sev being ooc. I knew he was, but there wasn't really much I could do about it.
Chapter Eleven: Visions of a time lost forever
The silence was deafening, the stillness paralysing.
Harry and Severus were sitting in the blue brocade wingback chairs before the hearth in the Potion Master's rooms, staring in opposite directions.
The stillness of Severus was to be expected; he was naturally a self- contained man. He made no movement that didn't have a pre-determined purpose. But where his muscles were usually in a semblance of relaxation, this evening they were taut, ready for sudden action, waiting for a blow to land from some unknown direction.
His black eyes were half lidded as they stared into the ether, fixed on some imaginary point in the air. He was laying old and painful memories to rest. Or at least trying to. But with the same perversity that led one to continuously test a sore tooth to insure it still hurt, he kept reviewing the images and moments in his mind, forcing himself to stare the pain in the eyes. He was waiting for that final straw that would break the back of his resolve and loose his turbulent emotions to the public's eye.
Stillness in Harry, however, was unnatural. The Gryffindor Seeker usually exhibited some sign of movement, of awareness; a finger would twitch, the eyes flicker from one point to another, every now and then a leg would adjust to a more comfortable position. So to see the young man absolutely immobile was uncanny.
His normally bright green eyes were glazed over with a myriad of thoughts, memories and emotions as he stared fixedly at a wall-tapestry, completely without seeing the complex patterns woven in greens and yellows.
A clock chimed the fifth hour of the evening from its position on the bookshelf. Harry jumped and blinked owlishly. He abruptly recalled where he was and in whose company he sat. The green eyes sought out the other man. Harry stared at the professor from beneath his lashes. The man was impassive. It irked Harry that he seemed impervious to the sting of the emotions that lingered in the air.
Harry's teeth clenched. However much he would like it to be otherwise, there was still a ways to go before Harry could forgive all the hurt that had been dealt him over the years. Harry's eyes trailed down to the long- fingered hands Severus had steepled beneath his chin. Harry stared down at his own hands spread now over his thigh.
That was enough reason to try wasn't it? No matter what Harry had believed Snape to be to him until two days ago, the fact that they were blood deserved a chance, right? Harry sighed. Even if he truly believed Snape didn't deserve a chance, Harry owed it to himself. All he'd ever wanted was a family, someone that he could call his no matter what happened.
He would be a fool to turn his back on his father simply because he couldn't forgive a façade. He would be denying himself the only thing he had ever truly wanted out of sheer spite. Harry liked to flatter himself he wasn't such a fool to do that. But....
.... Not just yet. Harry needed more time first. Time to think. And he couldn't do it sitting not two paces from the embodiment of his emotional dilemma.
Decisively, Harry stood. His sudden movement attracted the other's glance and Harry found himself staring into Severus's gaze. Harry knew their eyes were talking to each other, but he had no idea what was being said. The meaning seemed to distil directly into his sub-conscience, bypassing his waking mind altogether.
Severus nodded his head soberly and Harry turned away. He understood what had been said, now.
Silently, Harry had communicated his desire to work at the relationship, but also the fact he required time before he could make any attempt at reconciliation. Severus had understood and, without saying a word, told Harry he would give him the time he needed and, when Harry was ready, he would be waiting. With one nod, he had conveyed to Harry that he would be welcome in the dungeon quarters should he wish to visit.
Although Harry didn't look back, he could feel the dark weight of Severus's gaze follow him across the room. It left him just before he slipped from behind the landscape and into the dungeon corridor. Harry risked a glance back as the painting swung closed behind him. His father was staring at the wall again, one hand now wrapped around the ring that had hung concealed from his neck for over fifteen years.
Harry had been staring at canopy of his bed for almost seven hours now. He knew because he had just heard the distant chiming of a clock as it marked the midnight hour.
It was amazing how many times you could go over the same thoughts in your head and still come to the same conclusions. But then, what was it that American muggle had once said? That insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting the different results?
Harry rolled onto his side. What he really needed was something new to add to the mix, some new perspective he hadn't seen the whole situation from before. The obvious answer was to talk to someone. And the obvious someone was Hermione or Ron.
But Harry didn't want to talk to his friends until he had a clearer idea of how he felt. He believed he would simply come away from any conversation with them feeling more muddled then he went in. Ron would, naturally, support him, but all comments would be coloured by his intense dislike for the Potions Master even if he tried to temper it for Harry's sake. Hermione, Harry was convinced, would do one of two things. She would either strip all emotion from the situation and look at the bare facts, or she would ignore the facts and tell Harry to follow his heart. Which wouldn't help in the least, because right now Harry's heart was telling him to go in several different directions and he couldn't follow them all.
Harry supposed he could talk to Professor Dumbledore. The headmaster was always willing to lend an ear. But all Harry would get out of him would be ambiguous snippets of advice that wouldn't make any sense until long after they'd ceased to be of any use to him.
There was, he supposed, always Remus. But Harry quickly rejected that idea. He liked the professor well enough, loved him like another godfather even, and he was a good listener. But he was too closely involved in the whole situation for Harry's comfort right now.
Harry briefly considered sending a letter to Sirius. But he could just see that going over well:
"Dear Sirius, I've just found out that your arch rival was married to Dad and is, in fact, my father. I was wondering what you think I should do?"
All that would gain Harry was a murdered father and, quite likely, no godfather either. It would probably take many long hours and strong restraints to break the news to the animagus.
What Harry really needed right now was to talk to Hagrid. Harry distracted himself briefly by imagining how the encounter would go: Harry's first real friend would invite him down to the hut at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. He would make tea and offer Harry something to eat, which Harry would politely refuse. After making small talk about Norbert and the latest addition to Hagrid's menagerie, the half-giant would get to the heart of the matter. He would sit silently, occasionally nodding his great shaggy head as Harry poured out all his worries and fears. When Harry rambled to a close, Hagrid would offer his take on the matter. That view would be sure to be free of any prejudice against Snape and see right to the simplest heart of the situation. Then he would rumble a laugh and begin to recount to Harry some anecdote he remembered of Harry's fathers from when they had attended Hogwarts....
Harry's eyes widened. The pensieve! He had forgotten all about the pensieve he had been given for his birthday! The note had said Severus had siphoned off some of his own memories into it. Surely that would be able to give him some new morsel that might aid him in reaching a resolution.
Then he remembered where it was. He sagged back into his pillows. Harry had left it sitting on the table between the chairs in Severus's quarters. He'd just have to wait until morning to retrieve it. He sighed and flopped over onto his back.
Then he jumped up and hurried to his trunk. Flipping the lid up, he pulled out his invisibility cloak. He decided he wasn't in the mood to wait. All he would do was stare blankly into the night and let the same old thoughts roll about in his head until dawn. He slipped beneath the cloak and disappeared from sight. The trunk closed and a moment later the door opened and shut as the invisible presence departed.
The grim-looking tree at the front of the mountain-scape glared suspiciously into the empty hall as a voice whispered the password. The painting reluctantly swung outwards and the invisible Harry tiptoed into the room beyond.
A single torch burnt in a wall sconce above the desk. By it's light Harry could see that the room was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief. He directed his gaze away from the closed bedroom door, toward the opposite side of the room, where the pensieve still sat.
A silvery light danced softly on the cold dungeon ceiling above the magical device, casting shadows like half-formed images of the memories within its bowl. Harry glided slowly over to it, careful to make no sound. He stared down at it for a moment, wondering what he would see if he were to make use of the pensieve here and now.
Harry shook himself. Here was not the place to find out. He bent down and picked up the stone basin. Carelessly.
Harry's thumbs dipped into the silver-white memories swirling about in the bowl. The surface cleared, showing another room, seemingly empty. The invisibility cloak slid unnoticed from Harry's shoulders.
Black eyes glittered through the crack of the barely open door of the bedroom as Harry appeared in the middle of the room, the invisibility cloak pooled at his feet, the boy himself canting forward over the pensieve.
~ When Harry slipped from the dark whirlpool he remembered so well from the previous year, he found himself standing in an almost empty room. He was facing a closed door. The floor and walls were bare. In one corner stood a battered bench and even tattier desk that was missing one leg. The room had no windows, so Harry had no idea where this room was, but it had that distinctive feel he associated with Hogwarts.
~ He was alone in the room. But that wasn't right. He *couldn't* be alone inside someone else's memory. He turned around.
~ Standing directly behind, staring through him at the door was a young boy. Harry decided he was no more than thirteen years old. Since he had black hair and midnight eyes - and there was no one else in the room - Harry quite rightly concluded that this was the young Severus Snape.
~ Harry stepped closer and bent down to examine the boy's face. It was open. Well not totally, but Harry suspected his father had never been particularly open, not even at this age. But it was more open then Harry had ever seen. Harry could read the eyes.
~ Severus was waiting. Rather irritably. His foot began to tap. Suddenly, the door slammed open behind Harry and Severus's face lightened then settled into a habitual scowl. Before Harry could turn to see who had entered to cause such a reaction, he had the singularly odd opportunity to witness someone appear *out* *of* him as the young girl rushed through the spot he stood and flung her arms about Severus's waist.
~ Harry stepped back against the wall to avoid being stepped through again - he wasn't sure he cared for the experience - and watched as his father's memory unfolded.
~ Severus's face and voice were stern when he addressed the girl wrapped about him.
~ 'You're late.'
~ 'You'll never guess what I just found out,' babbled the girl into Severus's robes.
~ Severus set his hands on her shoulders and forcibly broke her limpet-like hold on him. Harry gasped when he saw her face. Harry's own green eyes stared at Severus from beneath a mop of red-gold hair. This could only be the young Lily Evans, Severus's only friend from his early years at Hogwarts.
~ Severus sighed and Harry could see him trying to feign disinterest in the cause of the younger student's excitement.
~ 'What did you discover? That Gryffindorks have a singular lack of anything remotely resembling intelligence?'
~ Lily gasped and pointed her nose in the air.
~ 'If you're going to be like that, I'm not going to tell you,' she pouted.
~ 'Ha!' snorted Severus, 'You won't last. You never do.'
~ 'I will this time! And it's something that concerns you too, so...' Harry got the impression that his young aunt would have stuck out her tongue if she hadn't considered it below herself to do such a thing.
~ 'Fine by me then,' Severus crossed his arms.
~ 'Fine!' Lily snapped back.
~ 'Fine,' replied Severus, just to have the last word.
~ Silence fell, both young students trying to glare the other down. Harry covered his mouth to stifle his laughter, forgetting completely that neither of them could see nor hear him. The silence stretched and Harry was beginning to wonder if that was all there was to this memory. Then Severus broke, his curiosity getting the better of him.
~ 'Oh, all right! What did you just find out?' he snapped out in ill grace.
~ Lily's face brightened immediately and she was again bouncing with the same excitement that had carried her into the room.
~ 'Oh, it's *wonderful* Severus! I was in the library reading a charms book -' Severus rolled his eyes and Harry decided Lily must have been like Hermione, '- and I found this one called the Familius Charm!'
~ 'Is that all? That's just a useless old charm that tells you who your family is,' Severus grouched.
~ 'I know!' exclaimed Lily enthusiastically, 'I cast it, too!
~ 'It spelled out the name of my sister,' Lily's nose crinkled and Harry had to agree, 'and my mother's name, but not my father's!'
~ 'What?' Harry could see that Severus was reluctantly intrigued now.
~ 'It surprised me too. But the best part was the name it spelled out next!' Lily paused and grinned almost maniacally at the young Slytherin, 'you'll never guess who it was.'
~ Severus rolled his eyes, 'Just tell me, Lily. You know how I detest guessing games.'
~ 'It spelt out the name "Severus Snape",' Lily clearly enunciated.
~ Severus's jaw dropped and he gaped at her. Harry grinned at the expression of pure shock on the face of the boy who would grow into his father.
~ 'What?'
~ Lily was nodding, 'And then it spelt out *your* father's name.'
~ Severus's mouth snapped shut.
~ 'You cast the charm correctly?'
~ Lily glared at him, 'Of course I did. I even checked it and recast it two more times, with the same results.'
~ Severus's face slowly relaxed and spread into a wide grin, a never before seen sight to Harry's eyes.
~ 'You're my little sister,' he stated.
~ Lily nodded again and threw her arms around Severus's neck once more. Harry saw the boy wrap his arms around the girl's waist before the scene began to dissolve into swirling darkness.
~ A moment later, a new scene began to solidify about him. He found himself standing in a familiar grotto on the shore of the Hogwarts lake. It was late afternoon. Sitting on the grass before him were two raven-haired young men. Harry moved around them until he could see their faces.
~ It was his fathers, both James Potter and Severus Snape. Harry guessed they were seventeen, nearing the end of their last year at Hogwarts. They were both sitting with their knees bent up. James's right arm was slung about Severus's waist and Severus was grasping the hand at his hip in his left hand, their fingers intertwined. Both boys had their free arms draped over their knees.
~ They were silent. Harry stared at them, taking in the sight of his parents in this quiet moment together. Harry wondered why Severus had given him this particular memory. Surely it must be one of his favourite, something to be savoured only by himself? It was so peaceful, so... tender. Harry found himself momentarily wishing he had someone he could sit on the lakeshore like this with.
~ James moved. He took gentle hold of Severus's right wrist and turned it towards him. He ran a thumb over what Harry knew must be the wizard-mark.
~ 'Its so visible,' he murmured. Harry strained to hear his voice more clearly. It was the first time he could remember hearing his Dad's voice outside of the awful memories conjured by the dementors.
~ Severus stirred beside James and tugged at his wrist, but James wouldn't let it go.
~ 'It's a wizard-mark. You didn't expect it to be invisible, did you?' he snapped.
~ James ignored his tone, 'It's just that mine isn't in such an obvious place.'
~ 'Oh?' inquired Severus, trying to sound disinterested.
~ James grinned broadly and Harry smiled with him.
~ 'Its on the inside of my thigh,' he made a movement to bare his thigh, 'Would you like to see it?'
~ Harry shook his head frantically, hoping his father wouldn't have given him a memory like *that*. Apparently he hadn't. The young Severus was shaking his head too, 'No I would not! At least, not here,' he muttered the last part and Harry flushed. James smirked knowingly.
~ He fingered Severus's mark again, 'Mine's the sun symbol above a wand.'
~ Harry started. But his mark had a dagger! James's didn't. Then where did he get the second half of his wizard-mark? Harry had an awful sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Maybe James wasn't his father after all....
~ Severus didn't reply for a moment. Then: 'Which element is the Potter legacy?'
~ James shrugged, 'The sun symbol I think.'
~ Severus twisted about and stared at him incredulously.
~ 'You don't *know*?' he asked scathingly. Harry winced in sympathy for James. It didn't look like Severus went easy even on people he loved.
~ James seemed immune to it all though. He shrugged again.
~ 'The Potters are unique in that the wizard-mark seems to change from generation to generation.'
~ Severus snorted and muttered, 'Either that, or they're impotent and the children are all changelings.'
~ James elbowed him in the side, but otherwise ignored the comment, 'My father had an ankh. My grandfather had a trefoil. Then there was a dancing flame, an upturned dagger and.... umm... I don't remember after that.'
~ James ran a nail lightly down the slope of the quill in Severus's mark, 'The elements get repeated every generation or so. I had a great uncle that had the sun symbol.'
~ Harry felt the knots in his stomach let go and he relaxed. The upturned dagger *was* an element of the Potter line. James Potter *was* his father.
~ As Harry mused, Severus had finally reclaimed his arm from James's grip.
~ 'Yes, well, I know for a *fact* where each of the elements of my wizard- mark comes from.'
~ James rolled his eyes at Severus, pecked him on the cheek and turned to gaze out over the lake again. Harry noticed then that, through out the entire conversation, James hadn't removed his arm from Severus's waist and Severus hadn't released the hand at his right hip.
~ Harry watched them for a long moment after they had lapsed back into silence. But when James turned to draw Severus into a kiss, Harry squinted his eyes shut hastily.
~ Thus it was that he missed that scene dissolving into blackness, then into another memory.
~ When Harry cautiously slitted his eyes open once more, he found himself in another room. This one had a window and through it Harry could see a muggle street. He turned around. He was standing in a bedroom. And on the bed....
~ On the bed lay Severus Snape and James Potter. Fortunately for Harry, they were fully clothed. Severus was propped up on several pillows, reading a heavy book. Harry wasn't surprised to note that it was a book on Potions.
~ James was lying perpendicular to - Harry realised as he noticed the matching chains about the two men's necks - his husband. He was talking. With a start, Harry realised James was talking to Severus's stomach. Looking closer, Harry noticed the gentle rounding of Severus's abdomen.
~ Harry understood then. James and Severus were in an apartment in London, married now, and Severus was pregnant with Harry. It was odd to stand unseen by the window and think that that the swelling of his father's stomach was actually him.
~ 'I'll take you flying everyday,' James was saying, murmuring softly to the unborn Harry, 'You'll love it up there; its wonderful.'
~ Severus snorted, buried in his book, but James ignored him. Instead, he shifted and laid one hand over his developing child.
~ 'And when you get your first wand, your aunt Lily can start teaching you all the charms you'll never need,' the second hand came up, cradling the mound.
~ 'And your daddy, here....'
~ Severus dropped his book to glare down at his husband, '*Father*. I refuse to be called "daddy".'
~ James leered up at him, 'Your *daddy* will teach you potions.'
~ Severus opened his mouth to retort, but stopped as a look of shock came over his face. Harry glanced at James to find him looking as equally shocked, staring at his hands. Then a huge grin spread over his face.
~ 'It moved! Sev! Our baby moved! Did you feel it?'
~ 'Of course I felt it! I'm the one carrying him, aren't I?'
~ James drew glowing eyes from his unborn child and turned them on his husband instead, 'Him? You think our baby is a boy?'
~ 'I *know* he's a boy,' Severus's voice was unbearably smug, and he moved a hand to lie next to James's on his abdomen. James covered it with his own and pressed them both the unborn child. He was still staring at his husband.
~ 'We're having a boy?' A look of wonder on his face he looked back down at his hands on Severus's pregnant form, 'Hello, my son,' he whispered.
~ Harry felt tears spring to his eyes and blinked them back furiously, even though no one was there to witness them if they fell. Here was proof that his fathers had wanted him. They were both lying content on the bed now, James still with both hands pressed to Severus's abdomen.
~ Harry nearly jumped when he felt a hand settle on his shoulder. He glanced up to find his father standing beside him. Harry glanced between the Severus on the bed and the Severus at his shoulder.
~ The man at his shoulder was staring somewhat mournfully at the memory of himself and James on the bed. Without looking down at Harry he spoke.
~ 'That was the first time you moved. James kept me on that bed for hours, his hands on my stomach, waiting for you to move again.'
~ He blinked hard. Harry stared into his face rather suspiciously. Severus turned then and looked down at his teenage son.
~ 'You're exhausted, Harry. You need to sleep. The rest of my memories will still be here in the morning.'
~ Harry nodded, reluctantly. He glanced back at the bed one last time before he felt himself rising into the air and the scene was melting around him. ~
Harry staggered slightly as he regained his footing in the Potions Master's chambers. He looked up from the shifting fluid in the pensieve. Severus was standing beside him, wearing a brocade lounging robe, one hand still on Harry's shoulder. He squeezed it gently before letting go and stooping to retrieve something from the floor at Harry's feet.
He handed it to Harry and Harry realised it was his invisibility cloak.
'You need not use that to enter my chambers, Harry. I *have* given you permission to come when you will.'
Harry flushed at the slightly censoring look in his father's eyes, 'I know. It's just.... I wanted the pensieve and I didn't want to wake you..'
Severus made a non-committal sound in the back of his throat. He lifted the pensieve from the table and placed it squarely in Harry's arms.
'Take it with you this time.'
Then, before he could censor the gesture, Severus reached out and caressed his son's cheek. He knew he looked just as startled as Harry as he pulled back. He hadn't meant to do that. Harry was staring wide-eyed at him.
Severus cleared his throat.
'Well, as much I enjoy midnight chats, Mr Potter, we both need our sleep.'
Harry nodded dumbly and turned for the door. He paused at the threshold and looked back.
'Goodnight.... Daddy.'
Harry grinned at the nonplussed expression on his father's face and darted down the hall before Severus could recover enough to snarl at him for calling him that.
TBC
AN: another long haul on this one. I would have started last night, but my Muses were on vacation and I was dead on my feet from being up until 2 that morning.
This one didn't take as long to write, but I've still been at it for six straight hours. All because I don't like to disappoint my reviewers and so many of you asked me to get out my next chapter.
Did you know, none of those memories were the ones I originally intended to put I. But these ones fitted better. There might be more later, but right now, I'm so tired I can't think straight.
I may or may not get the next chapter out by tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure what happens next. I have ideas for later on... Like a week before school commences... A short trip to Diagon Alley *wink*wink* no more clues for you.