AN: This is a somewhat unduly serious chapter, but my Muses felt it needed
to be written. I must say that I agree with them.
There is this wondrous species called the 'reviewer'. I would like to introduce to a few of my favourite specimens ^_~:
Tantz: thanks for clearing up your last review for me... Ah, yes! The transition. No author likes the transition.... I'm glad I could make you hang around even tho' you don't really go in for male-male couples. I never really thought I was a good enough author to manage that....
Ariana Deralte: What a way to go that would be! Writing myself to death.
Athen: *cackles delightedly* You want to post me on your site! ^_^ *bounces off the ceiling several times*
linds: well, I don't want Harry and Sev to be a happy family unit just suddenly... The office scene? You ask, I deliver....
SilverWolf! Howdy there. Shush about banging my head. It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Elektra: Yus, well.... I'm not entirely sure how Ron and Hermione are dealing with all this....
xanpetuk: a newbie! *grins insanely* *shudders at the thought of the leech* I do NOT like that creature. I mean, can you imagine having that thing hanging off your arm?
Look at all the pretty words I've written just for you lot to read!
Chapter Thirteen: Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way
Severus was standing a ways down the corridor, in front of the painting guarding the entrance to his rooms. Harry wondered briefly if it were possible to access the potions classroom from within the apartment.
When Severus saw Harry had followed him into the hall, he turned and started toward the upper levels of the castle. Harry caught up to him and walked just behind and to the right of the man. He was looking at the cane his father was leaning heavily upon.
'You didn't have that two days ago,' he commented.
Severus glowered at nothing in particular, not bothering to glance down at the infernal cane.
'I believed I could manage without it. Evidently I was incorrect. Now I am paying the price for it.'
Severus could feel Harry's gaze on the side of his face. He glanced into the questioning eyes. He sighed.
'I could barely walk at all yesterday. Poppy confined me to bed and threatened to keep me there for an additional two weeks if I did not use the cane,' Severus shook the walking assistant in irritated emphasis.
Harry smirked and Severus glowered. Harry stopped smirking.
Harry settled uneasily in his chair, unsure of what exactly would be discussed in this meeting. Beside him, Severus gratefully cast aside the cane in favour of a chair, and, from behind his desk, Dumbledore benignly smiled at them both.
'Well, you called us here Albus. What is it you wished to discuss?'
Dumbledore bent a look on the professor that clearly said 'As if you don't know' but he answered the question for Harry's benefit.
'It needs to be decided how we continue from here.'
A simple statement, but so many connotations.
Severus looked as though the answer should be obvious, 'As before. Nothing should change.'
Harry felt as though he'd been slapped in the face.
Severus had just spent several days trying to convince Harry that he was wanted, and now he turned around and said that he wouldn't acknowledge him. Harry realised his nails were digging into his palms and that he had likely paled.
Dumbledore had been watching him when Severus had answered and noticed the immediate pallor that had cast itself over Harry's features. Behind his half-moon glasses, his bright eyes dimmed slightly.
Severus noticed this and followed the headmaster's gaze to Harry. He realised then what his words must have sounded like to his son.
'Harry!' he snapped somewhat harshly, drawing hurt green eyes to his face, 'It has nothing to do with my not wanting to claim you as my son. I would like nothing better. But you have to understand: I can do a lot more good as a spy, than as a simple Potions Master. If Voldemort found out you were my son, my cover would be blown. Not to mention you would be in even greater danger than you are now. Do you understand?'
Harry nodded, reluctantly. He did understand. Severus had saved countless lives as a double agent; even bought more time for his family, even if that had been ultimately futile. And if Harry had gone all these years without even knowing he had a father alive, surely he could go a few more without publicly acknowledging his sole living parent?
Severus nodded as well and turned back Dumbledore.
'As soon as I have healed adequately, I shall return to my responsibilities in the field.'
Dumbledore just regarded his friend solemnly.
'What happened the night you were beaten, Severus?' were his only words.
Severus paled and Harry was sure he didn't want to hear a recounting of the events that had left the potions master in the appalling state Harry had first seen him in.
'Severus? What caused them to punish you so severely? The Death Eaters don't usually resort to the physical, do they?'
With great reluctance, Severus shook his head, unwilling, or unable, to answer verbally.
'Then why?'
Severus darted a glance at Harry then looked significantly at the headmaster. Dumbledore refused to acknowledge it. He wanted Harry to hear Severus's answer.
Severus sighed in defeat. He had never been able to out-stubborn this wily old wizard.
'I... slipped,' he refused to look at Harry, sure he would read contempt, or at least disappointment in his son's eyes. He stared instead over Dumbledore's shoulder, 'They were boasting on what they would do to Harry if they ever got their hands on him.'
Severus pressed his lips shut and refused to elaborate further. His son didn't need to know that they had planned to rape him and then skin him alive, bleeding him dry of his blood, and with it, his magic.
'And you believe the Death Eaters won't suspect you on your return,' Albus, with his omniscient air, gave Severus the impression he knew more about the incident - if such a mild term could be used to label so heinous an act - then Severus had revealed.
Severus glared blackly. He'd be damned if he was going let the same man that had talked him *into* being a spy, talk him *out* of it. He had failed his family the first time; he refused to fail his son a second time. He would rather suffer for all eternity the same torture that had landed him at death's door than let the Death Eaters do what they had boasted of to *his* son.
'Voldemort may be rather maniacal, Severus, but I don't suppose for a moment that he is stupid,' Dumbledore's voice was uncharacteristically stern, 'And, despite your recent pretensions to the contrary, nor are you. You know as well as I do - as well as *Harry* here does - that your cover is blown.'
Harry was still pale, but for an entirely different reason now. Regardless of whether or not Severus decided to acknowledge Harry as his son publicly, Harry hadn't truly believed he would consider returning to Voldemort's side as a spy. He knew he hadn't really thought the situation through clearly, but no thought was necessary for him to realise he didn't want his father in such a vulnerable position. Harry thought he would be quite willing to get down on his knees and beg Severus not to return to spying if Dumbledore failed to convince him.
Dumbledore had a certain knack for making Severus feel completely impotent. The potions master hated it.
'Albus, this is Harry's *life* we're talking about,' he ground out.
Dumbledore's expression didn't give in the slightest, 'I disagree. It is *your* life that would be on the line. You are not our only informant.'
'I'm your best!'
'Our best, yes, but not our only.'
Harry could see Severus readying another argument and he suddenly couldn't take it any more.
'Please don't go back!'
Severus and Dumbledore turned stunned faces to him. Dumbledore smiled and Harry hurried on before he could be interrupted.
'Please don't. You're the only family I have left. I don't want to lose you too,' Harry turned a stark white face down to his lap, 'Please don't,' he beseeched again in a whisper.
Severus clenched and unclenched his hands fitfully at his sides. His gaze shifted from his son, to Dumbledore and back again.
'I must warn you, Severus: I will be forced to withdraw my support of you and let you go from your position if you return,' Dumbledore said.
Just *said*, no inflection to his tone at all.
But Severus knew he was beaten. He knew Dumbledore would not hesitate to carry through on his threat if he returned to the Death Eaters. Severus had been boxed in, with no viable option but to comply with the canny old wizard's wishes.
If he returned against Dumbledore's will, any information he managed to collect would go to waste, simply because he no longer had the headmaster's ear. He would be in no position to use his hard won knowledge to protect Harry - the only reason he would have returned in the first place. What was that term the muggles used? The entire situation was the proverbial catch- 22.
He nodded; gritted his teeth, but nodded. He reached across the distance separating them and laid a hand on Harry's shoulder, causing the boy to look up. He nodded again.
'I won't go back,' he glared once more at Dumbledore
Harry's response, Severus decided, was almost worth it. Almost.
The green eyes measured his sincerity carefully. When Harry decided Severus was telling the truth, his face began to blossom. First a small, rather watery smile appeared, but it quickly expanded through a grin until it took over his face and he was beaming like he had just been given the most wonderful gift in the world.
Dumbledore beamed at them both, 'Good. Now all we have to deal with is your relationship. I will owl a reliable contact I have at the "Daily Prophet". I think a discreet and tastefully done article should -'
'No.'
Dumbledore looked startled at the interruption, 'No?'
Severus stated again, quite unequivocally, 'No.'
Harry stared at him and Dumbledore raised an eyebrow.
Severus's face settled into stubborn lines, 'It would put Harry in too much danger and *that* I will *not* condone.'
Dumbledore chuckled at this and both Harry and Severus turned incredulous stares on him.
'My dear Severus, Harry couldn't possibly be in any more danger than he is now. Voldemort already wants him dead and every Death Eater out there is doing his best to capture him. A little thing like his true parentage isn't going to noticeably increase Harry's danger.
'I believe it would be the best course of action to announce your relation to Harry publicly. That way we will *know* that Voldemort knows. If we left it to get out on its own - and it *would* leak out - we would have no control over it.'
Dumbledore leant back in his chair, regarding the two men in front of him. Now that his suspicions of Harry's parentage had been conclusively proven, he could draw parallels between the pair: The lustre of Harry's hair seemed to match Severus's more closely than James's and he had always thought Harry had hands much like the potions master's; Harry had that gangliness that suggested he had Severus's height to grow into....
And, right now, they both wore identical expressions, caught somewhere between a scowl and eyebrows rising into the hairline with astonishment.
'Of course, Severus, once we make the announcement, it would be unadvisable for you to leave Hogwarts grounds. Or Harry for that matter.'
Severus regained control of his tongue, 'That's ludicrous! I refuse to be confined to these grounds like some recalcitrant child. I am quite able to take care of myself. I will not cower behind the school's wards as though I live in fear of those pathetic Death Eaters,' he calmed down enough to continue in a more reasonable tone, 'However, for Harry's safety, he *will* remain within the school's perimeter. But it shall not be announced that I am his father until much later, if ever. I will not risk Voldemort finding some way to use the information against us.'
Harry had be alternatively nodding and shaking his head through the first part of Severus's tirade. But his jaw dropped at Severus's final words.
Dumbledore had been looking rather taken aback at Severus's rant, and he looked even more surprised when Harry put his own two cents worth in:
'That's not fair! I've been to Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley plenty of times without being attacked. And I'm not even that safe at Hogwarts! Look what happened last year: Voldemort found a way to remove me from the school grounds anyway. If you're allowed out of the wards, then so am I -'
Things seemed to be tumbling beyond Dumbledore's control. Severus's face quickly became suffused with blood and he turned to shout Harry down.
'I AM YOUR FATHER, YOUNG MAN, AND YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY!!'
Harry paled dramatically and looked down at his tense hands. Severus had yelled at him before, but not since it was revealed that he was Harry's father. Harry just had no idea how to handle it.
Severus had paled too, and was clutching his abdomen. Shouting had strained his still healing ribs and gashed stomach. More than that, he felt sick with himself for losing control and yelling at Harry. He savagely fought the urge to drop his head into his hands. He had been right: he was an abysmal father.
Dumbledore allowed the pair to stew in their black feelings of guilt and shock for a long moment. He certainly hadn't expected this turn of events. He used the tense silence to gather his thoughts. Perhaps it would be best to deviate from his original plans just slightly.
Tactfully avoiding mention of the recent words, he said, 'I think, perhaps, a comprise would suit all our wants admirably.'
Both Harry and Severus turned their eyes on him as a welcome diversion.
'I still believe Harry's parentage should be publicly known. However, I am willing to delay the announcement until the school year begins in a month's time. After that, I will break the news as seems best.'
Harry perked up at this. He slid a look at his father from the corner of his eye. Severus didn't seem too pleased with Dumbledore's decision, but he wasn't arguing it for know.
Still in control of the conversation, Dumbledore went on:
'On the matter of the safety of you both whilst away from the school bounds, I believe we may come to some arrangement there as well,' Dumbledore mused for a moment, one hand drifting up to stroke his beard.
'Yes.... yes, I think that might be acceptable,' his eyes focused back on the pair opposite him. Harry was looking vaguely sullen and Severus was glaring blackly again.
'Severus, I know you are well able to see to your own well being, but that was while your cover was unbroken. I would feel much better if you would agree to inform me of your intended destination any time you left the grounds and if you would consent to taking another, trusted, and fully trained witch or wizard with you,' Dumbledore fixed piercing eyes on Severus.
Severus mulled briefly over the headmaster's suggestion but they both knew it was inevitable that he would agree to the conditions. Severus got the distinct impression that Dumbledore had predetermined a course of action before he had ever initiated this conversation, and he had already deviated from it as far as he was prepared to go.
Severus nodded, but in such away to ensure Dumbledore knew he was agreeing only under duress.
Dumbledore nodded too, grateful Severus had conceded so easily. He then turned to Harry.
'Harry, you must be aware that as your father, Severus *does* have the final word in this matter,' Harry nodded sullenly and Severus managed not to look too vindicated at Dumbledore's backing of his paternal authority.
'However,' continued Dumbledore, turning his attention back to Severus, 'Harry was correct earlier. It would be rather hypocritical of you to deny him the right to leave the school grounds, Severus. My suggestion is that Harry may leave only when accompanied by myself, you, or another powerful witch or wizard we both approve of and trust.'
Severus didn't really want to allow Harry to leave the relative safety of the school. But Dumbledore was right. It *would* be hypocritical of him to confine his son. Once again, Dumbledore had left him little choice but to agree.
One arm still wrapped about his aching ribs, Severus reluctantly nodded, 'On the condition that I have the final say on any of Harry's outings.'
'Of course,' Dumbledore was beaming benignly again, 'Harry?'
Harry nodded. It wasn't the total freedom he would have liked, but compared to none at all, it was generous. He offered his father a tentative smile. Severus's scowl softened a little, but otherwise he didn't acknowledge Harry's gesture. He leveled a look at Dumbledore.
'I once heard diplomacy summed up as the art of letting someone else have your way. You, Albus, are the definitive diplomat,' Severus pushed himself upright and reached for the despised cane, 'If there is nothing more you wish to discuss..?'
Dumbledore flapped at hand at him, 'No, no, of course not. Thank you for giving me your time.'
With a curt nod, Severus turned and swept from the room. Dumbledore smiled and popped a lemon drop into his mouth. He offered the box to Harry.
'Quite the temper Severus has,' he commented
Harry had no reply to that. He refused the lemon drops politely. Dumbledore returned the box to his drawer. He folded his hands on the surface of his desk.
'So tell me, young Harry, how are you getting on with your father?'
Harry had been dreading just such a question, especially coming on the heels of that.... whatever it had been, when Severus had yelled at him.
'I.... don't know, sir.'
Dumbledore nodded as though he understood completely. Which, Harry thought, would be quite a feat, considering he himself wasn't sure he knew what he meant.
'Ah, well. You are both learning. All I can suggest is that you give it time.'
But how much time? Harry wanted to ask. When would enough time have passed for them to settle into a normal father-son relationship? Would it ever be possible? Harry fought the urge to sigh despondently. He nodded instead.
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled behind his spectacles, 'I'm sure Mr Weasley and Miss Granger must be wondering where you have gotten to.'
Severus was pacing, without the aid of his cane. Every third pace or so, his stride would hitch and a faint spasm of pain would flit through the darker expression on his face.
'You don't seem to understand, Remus. He won't let me protect my own family,' Severus's legs delivered a forceful protest at the abuse and he heeded them now, collapsing into a chair, 'my *only* family.'
It seemed to Remus that they had been holding the same conversation for hours now, but the clock told a different story. Only a little over one hour had passed since Severus had stormed Remus in his rooms and began ranting about Dumbledore's dictatorial actions. Remus had yet to force his friend to see reason.
'I think it is more a matter of Dumbledore not letting you sacrifice your life needlessly,' Remus's patience was beginning to wear thin. The usually rational Potions Master had deserted reason altogether.
Severus opened his mouth to make some asinine retort but Remus didn't allow him the opportunity to speak, 'Harry needs you alive, Severus. He doesn't need another dead father.'
Severus's mouth snapped shut and Remus thought he might finally have gotten through to the man. But then his expression fell. Remus had the sinking feeling he had some how managed to make matters worse. Severus confirmed the sensation with his next comment.
'It's my fault James is dead in the first place.'
He pushed himself to his feet again, ignoring the twinges of protest from his legs, 'I should have killed Voldemort when I had the chance. *I* should have been their Secret Keeper. I should have been there! I don't deserve Harry,' Severus spun on his heel as he reached the wall and came face to face with other man.
Remus slapped him.
Severus raised a shocked hand to his stinging cheek.
Remus glared at Severus, 'It's your turn to shut up and listen to me.
'Fourteen years ago I let you get away with this. I let you get away with blaming yourself for the deaths of James and Lily. I even let you get away with blaming me. I'm not going to let you do it again.
'You might be right. You may not deserve Harry - I'm not qualified to judge. But this isn't about you. It's about what *Harry* deserves, and *he* deserves *you*. You have no right to deprive him of the family he needs, again.
'Do you think Harry would thank you if you went and got yourself killed in the name of saving his life? It's more likely that he would hate you for it.
'And what about James and Lily? They gave up their lives protecting your son and you want to throw that all away by running out and dying needlessly. *They* wouldn't thank you.
'Hell, Severus, *I* certainly won't be thanking you if you die. You're one of the few friends I have left.
'You are *not* to blame for James and Lily's deaths. There was nothing you could have done. If you had been there that night, you would have died *too* and Harry really *would* be an orphan today.' Remus ran his hands through his hair and turned away from Severus, 'Even if you had been the Secret Keeper, something would have happened sooner or later and James and Lily still would have died, and probably Harry along with them. As much as no one likes to admit it, it seems they were fated to die that night.'
Remus reclaimed his seat and stared resolutely away from Severus, 'You have to stop blaming yourself for the past. If you insist on dwelling upon it, there is no way you will be able to develop a healthy relationship with your son.'
Remus's eyes flickered briefly to the still staring potions master. His voice turned slightly bitter, 'You don't seem to be able to see how truly *lucky* you are.'
Severus snorted.
'I am quite serious. You and James had a love to last a lifetime. You and Harry were his whole world. I don't believe he regretted a moment he spent with you.
'And Lily. She loved you as much as a sister could. I never had that. Never. I was the skeleton in my family's closet, to be reviled at worst, tolerated at best.'
Remus turned impassioned eyes on Severus now, pinning him where he stood.
'And *Harry*! You have the most wonderful child, Severus. He is good and kind and intelligent and courageous and every thing a father could ever want in a son. You have no idea how I *envy* you.'
Remus's voice was bitter again, 'But you are blind to all that. You choose to dwell on the negative in your life. What you have lost, instead of what you *have*. You have a chance here to reclaim some of the glorious happiness you had for such a sort time when James was still alive, and you are going to pass it over because Dumbledore denied you the right to get yourself killed.
'My family never loved me like Lily loved you. I'll probably never have a love like you and James had. I doubt I'll *ever* have a child.'
Remus followed Severus's movements as the other sat back down, a completely blank look on his face. The werewolf's brown eyes pleaded with his friend's black ones.
'Please don't throw this second chance away, Severus.'
The quiet was tense, and intense. Remus kept his eyes riveted to Severus's face, trying to read the myriad of emotions that battled there. He couldn't tell what the other man was thinking.
Finally, Severus sighed and his face relaxed into an expression of old pain, 'It hurts, Remus.'
Remus nodded. It did hurt. Letting go of all the things that one's shield had been comprised of for years. Forcing oneself to confront old pain untended for a decade and a half. Admitting that there was nothing that could have been done to save one's loved ones. Giving up, finally, on changing what could never have been changed in the first place. It all hurt.
But then, so did lancing a wound.
'It's so hard to let go.'
Remus nodded again. Of course it was hard to let go of closely held memories of the people one had loved. Difficult to release the anger, because that would mean accepting they were dead and gone forever. Harder still to absolve oneself of the blame of not doing more to protect them. It was so very, very hard to lay their memories to rest.
'Let them sleep, Sev.'
Severus drew in a deep breath and held it. When it finally left him on a long, slow sigh it took something with it. Something indefinable, something that had been weighing on his heart for a long time. In its wake, Severus's body was more relaxed then it had been in years.
TBC
AN: Erm.. can you say 'hi-jack'? That's what Harry and Severus did to my story. They weren't meant to get into a shouting match.... I think maybe there were too many emotions bottled up in there....
Erm... it seems Remus thought Sev needed a wake-up call. Does anyone have any idea how to prevent their characters from taking over their story? Please tell me if you do.
Sorry about that whole raping and skinning Harry thing, but I needed some believable reason for Sev to slip up, and I thought the was extreme enough to cause him slip. I mean, what father could stand idly by whilst people casually discussed doing that to his child?
*horrified expression* I can't believe I just did that! Dumbledore and those damn lemon drops! Where do they come from anyway? The first book?
I promise more fun with the next chapter. Diagon Alley, people!
And Sirius has to be told at some point.... ^_~
Did you notice that WONDERFUL little button down the left-hand corner? Wouldn't you LOVE to know what it does? Click on it to find out!
There is this wondrous species called the 'reviewer'. I would like to introduce to a few of my favourite specimens ^_~:
Tantz: thanks for clearing up your last review for me... Ah, yes! The transition. No author likes the transition.... I'm glad I could make you hang around even tho' you don't really go in for male-male couples. I never really thought I was a good enough author to manage that....
Ariana Deralte: What a way to go that would be! Writing myself to death.
Athen: *cackles delightedly* You want to post me on your site! ^_^ *bounces off the ceiling several times*
linds: well, I don't want Harry and Sev to be a happy family unit just suddenly... The office scene? You ask, I deliver....
SilverWolf! Howdy there. Shush about banging my head. It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Elektra: Yus, well.... I'm not entirely sure how Ron and Hermione are dealing with all this....
xanpetuk: a newbie! *grins insanely* *shudders at the thought of the leech* I do NOT like that creature. I mean, can you imagine having that thing hanging off your arm?
Look at all the pretty words I've written just for you lot to read!
Chapter Thirteen: Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way
Severus was standing a ways down the corridor, in front of the painting guarding the entrance to his rooms. Harry wondered briefly if it were possible to access the potions classroom from within the apartment.
When Severus saw Harry had followed him into the hall, he turned and started toward the upper levels of the castle. Harry caught up to him and walked just behind and to the right of the man. He was looking at the cane his father was leaning heavily upon.
'You didn't have that two days ago,' he commented.
Severus glowered at nothing in particular, not bothering to glance down at the infernal cane.
'I believed I could manage without it. Evidently I was incorrect. Now I am paying the price for it.'
Severus could feel Harry's gaze on the side of his face. He glanced into the questioning eyes. He sighed.
'I could barely walk at all yesterday. Poppy confined me to bed and threatened to keep me there for an additional two weeks if I did not use the cane,' Severus shook the walking assistant in irritated emphasis.
Harry smirked and Severus glowered. Harry stopped smirking.
Harry settled uneasily in his chair, unsure of what exactly would be discussed in this meeting. Beside him, Severus gratefully cast aside the cane in favour of a chair, and, from behind his desk, Dumbledore benignly smiled at them both.
'Well, you called us here Albus. What is it you wished to discuss?'
Dumbledore bent a look on the professor that clearly said 'As if you don't know' but he answered the question for Harry's benefit.
'It needs to be decided how we continue from here.'
A simple statement, but so many connotations.
Severus looked as though the answer should be obvious, 'As before. Nothing should change.'
Harry felt as though he'd been slapped in the face.
Severus had just spent several days trying to convince Harry that he was wanted, and now he turned around and said that he wouldn't acknowledge him. Harry realised his nails were digging into his palms and that he had likely paled.
Dumbledore had been watching him when Severus had answered and noticed the immediate pallor that had cast itself over Harry's features. Behind his half-moon glasses, his bright eyes dimmed slightly.
Severus noticed this and followed the headmaster's gaze to Harry. He realised then what his words must have sounded like to his son.
'Harry!' he snapped somewhat harshly, drawing hurt green eyes to his face, 'It has nothing to do with my not wanting to claim you as my son. I would like nothing better. But you have to understand: I can do a lot more good as a spy, than as a simple Potions Master. If Voldemort found out you were my son, my cover would be blown. Not to mention you would be in even greater danger than you are now. Do you understand?'
Harry nodded, reluctantly. He did understand. Severus had saved countless lives as a double agent; even bought more time for his family, even if that had been ultimately futile. And if Harry had gone all these years without even knowing he had a father alive, surely he could go a few more without publicly acknowledging his sole living parent?
Severus nodded as well and turned back Dumbledore.
'As soon as I have healed adequately, I shall return to my responsibilities in the field.'
Dumbledore just regarded his friend solemnly.
'What happened the night you were beaten, Severus?' were his only words.
Severus paled and Harry was sure he didn't want to hear a recounting of the events that had left the potions master in the appalling state Harry had first seen him in.
'Severus? What caused them to punish you so severely? The Death Eaters don't usually resort to the physical, do they?'
With great reluctance, Severus shook his head, unwilling, or unable, to answer verbally.
'Then why?'
Severus darted a glance at Harry then looked significantly at the headmaster. Dumbledore refused to acknowledge it. He wanted Harry to hear Severus's answer.
Severus sighed in defeat. He had never been able to out-stubborn this wily old wizard.
'I... slipped,' he refused to look at Harry, sure he would read contempt, or at least disappointment in his son's eyes. He stared instead over Dumbledore's shoulder, 'They were boasting on what they would do to Harry if they ever got their hands on him.'
Severus pressed his lips shut and refused to elaborate further. His son didn't need to know that they had planned to rape him and then skin him alive, bleeding him dry of his blood, and with it, his magic.
'And you believe the Death Eaters won't suspect you on your return,' Albus, with his omniscient air, gave Severus the impression he knew more about the incident - if such a mild term could be used to label so heinous an act - then Severus had revealed.
Severus glared blackly. He'd be damned if he was going let the same man that had talked him *into* being a spy, talk him *out* of it. He had failed his family the first time; he refused to fail his son a second time. He would rather suffer for all eternity the same torture that had landed him at death's door than let the Death Eaters do what they had boasted of to *his* son.
'Voldemort may be rather maniacal, Severus, but I don't suppose for a moment that he is stupid,' Dumbledore's voice was uncharacteristically stern, 'And, despite your recent pretensions to the contrary, nor are you. You know as well as I do - as well as *Harry* here does - that your cover is blown.'
Harry was still pale, but for an entirely different reason now. Regardless of whether or not Severus decided to acknowledge Harry as his son publicly, Harry hadn't truly believed he would consider returning to Voldemort's side as a spy. He knew he hadn't really thought the situation through clearly, but no thought was necessary for him to realise he didn't want his father in such a vulnerable position. Harry thought he would be quite willing to get down on his knees and beg Severus not to return to spying if Dumbledore failed to convince him.
Dumbledore had a certain knack for making Severus feel completely impotent. The potions master hated it.
'Albus, this is Harry's *life* we're talking about,' he ground out.
Dumbledore's expression didn't give in the slightest, 'I disagree. It is *your* life that would be on the line. You are not our only informant.'
'I'm your best!'
'Our best, yes, but not our only.'
Harry could see Severus readying another argument and he suddenly couldn't take it any more.
'Please don't go back!'
Severus and Dumbledore turned stunned faces to him. Dumbledore smiled and Harry hurried on before he could be interrupted.
'Please don't. You're the only family I have left. I don't want to lose you too,' Harry turned a stark white face down to his lap, 'Please don't,' he beseeched again in a whisper.
Severus clenched and unclenched his hands fitfully at his sides. His gaze shifted from his son, to Dumbledore and back again.
'I must warn you, Severus: I will be forced to withdraw my support of you and let you go from your position if you return,' Dumbledore said.
Just *said*, no inflection to his tone at all.
But Severus knew he was beaten. He knew Dumbledore would not hesitate to carry through on his threat if he returned to the Death Eaters. Severus had been boxed in, with no viable option but to comply with the canny old wizard's wishes.
If he returned against Dumbledore's will, any information he managed to collect would go to waste, simply because he no longer had the headmaster's ear. He would be in no position to use his hard won knowledge to protect Harry - the only reason he would have returned in the first place. What was that term the muggles used? The entire situation was the proverbial catch- 22.
He nodded; gritted his teeth, but nodded. He reached across the distance separating them and laid a hand on Harry's shoulder, causing the boy to look up. He nodded again.
'I won't go back,' he glared once more at Dumbledore
Harry's response, Severus decided, was almost worth it. Almost.
The green eyes measured his sincerity carefully. When Harry decided Severus was telling the truth, his face began to blossom. First a small, rather watery smile appeared, but it quickly expanded through a grin until it took over his face and he was beaming like he had just been given the most wonderful gift in the world.
Dumbledore beamed at them both, 'Good. Now all we have to deal with is your relationship. I will owl a reliable contact I have at the "Daily Prophet". I think a discreet and tastefully done article should -'
'No.'
Dumbledore looked startled at the interruption, 'No?'
Severus stated again, quite unequivocally, 'No.'
Harry stared at him and Dumbledore raised an eyebrow.
Severus's face settled into stubborn lines, 'It would put Harry in too much danger and *that* I will *not* condone.'
Dumbledore chuckled at this and both Harry and Severus turned incredulous stares on him.
'My dear Severus, Harry couldn't possibly be in any more danger than he is now. Voldemort already wants him dead and every Death Eater out there is doing his best to capture him. A little thing like his true parentage isn't going to noticeably increase Harry's danger.
'I believe it would be the best course of action to announce your relation to Harry publicly. That way we will *know* that Voldemort knows. If we left it to get out on its own - and it *would* leak out - we would have no control over it.'
Dumbledore leant back in his chair, regarding the two men in front of him. Now that his suspicions of Harry's parentage had been conclusively proven, he could draw parallels between the pair: The lustre of Harry's hair seemed to match Severus's more closely than James's and he had always thought Harry had hands much like the potions master's; Harry had that gangliness that suggested he had Severus's height to grow into....
And, right now, they both wore identical expressions, caught somewhere between a scowl and eyebrows rising into the hairline with astonishment.
'Of course, Severus, once we make the announcement, it would be unadvisable for you to leave Hogwarts grounds. Or Harry for that matter.'
Severus regained control of his tongue, 'That's ludicrous! I refuse to be confined to these grounds like some recalcitrant child. I am quite able to take care of myself. I will not cower behind the school's wards as though I live in fear of those pathetic Death Eaters,' he calmed down enough to continue in a more reasonable tone, 'However, for Harry's safety, he *will* remain within the school's perimeter. But it shall not be announced that I am his father until much later, if ever. I will not risk Voldemort finding some way to use the information against us.'
Harry had be alternatively nodding and shaking his head through the first part of Severus's tirade. But his jaw dropped at Severus's final words.
Dumbledore had been looking rather taken aback at Severus's rant, and he looked even more surprised when Harry put his own two cents worth in:
'That's not fair! I've been to Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley plenty of times without being attacked. And I'm not even that safe at Hogwarts! Look what happened last year: Voldemort found a way to remove me from the school grounds anyway. If you're allowed out of the wards, then so am I -'
Things seemed to be tumbling beyond Dumbledore's control. Severus's face quickly became suffused with blood and he turned to shout Harry down.
'I AM YOUR FATHER, YOUNG MAN, AND YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY!!'
Harry paled dramatically and looked down at his tense hands. Severus had yelled at him before, but not since it was revealed that he was Harry's father. Harry just had no idea how to handle it.
Severus had paled too, and was clutching his abdomen. Shouting had strained his still healing ribs and gashed stomach. More than that, he felt sick with himself for losing control and yelling at Harry. He savagely fought the urge to drop his head into his hands. He had been right: he was an abysmal father.
Dumbledore allowed the pair to stew in their black feelings of guilt and shock for a long moment. He certainly hadn't expected this turn of events. He used the tense silence to gather his thoughts. Perhaps it would be best to deviate from his original plans just slightly.
Tactfully avoiding mention of the recent words, he said, 'I think, perhaps, a comprise would suit all our wants admirably.'
Both Harry and Severus turned their eyes on him as a welcome diversion.
'I still believe Harry's parentage should be publicly known. However, I am willing to delay the announcement until the school year begins in a month's time. After that, I will break the news as seems best.'
Harry perked up at this. He slid a look at his father from the corner of his eye. Severus didn't seem too pleased with Dumbledore's decision, but he wasn't arguing it for know.
Still in control of the conversation, Dumbledore went on:
'On the matter of the safety of you both whilst away from the school bounds, I believe we may come to some arrangement there as well,' Dumbledore mused for a moment, one hand drifting up to stroke his beard.
'Yes.... yes, I think that might be acceptable,' his eyes focused back on the pair opposite him. Harry was looking vaguely sullen and Severus was glaring blackly again.
'Severus, I know you are well able to see to your own well being, but that was while your cover was unbroken. I would feel much better if you would agree to inform me of your intended destination any time you left the grounds and if you would consent to taking another, trusted, and fully trained witch or wizard with you,' Dumbledore fixed piercing eyes on Severus.
Severus mulled briefly over the headmaster's suggestion but they both knew it was inevitable that he would agree to the conditions. Severus got the distinct impression that Dumbledore had predetermined a course of action before he had ever initiated this conversation, and he had already deviated from it as far as he was prepared to go.
Severus nodded, but in such away to ensure Dumbledore knew he was agreeing only under duress.
Dumbledore nodded too, grateful Severus had conceded so easily. He then turned to Harry.
'Harry, you must be aware that as your father, Severus *does* have the final word in this matter,' Harry nodded sullenly and Severus managed not to look too vindicated at Dumbledore's backing of his paternal authority.
'However,' continued Dumbledore, turning his attention back to Severus, 'Harry was correct earlier. It would be rather hypocritical of you to deny him the right to leave the school grounds, Severus. My suggestion is that Harry may leave only when accompanied by myself, you, or another powerful witch or wizard we both approve of and trust.'
Severus didn't really want to allow Harry to leave the relative safety of the school. But Dumbledore was right. It *would* be hypocritical of him to confine his son. Once again, Dumbledore had left him little choice but to agree.
One arm still wrapped about his aching ribs, Severus reluctantly nodded, 'On the condition that I have the final say on any of Harry's outings.'
'Of course,' Dumbledore was beaming benignly again, 'Harry?'
Harry nodded. It wasn't the total freedom he would have liked, but compared to none at all, it was generous. He offered his father a tentative smile. Severus's scowl softened a little, but otherwise he didn't acknowledge Harry's gesture. He leveled a look at Dumbledore.
'I once heard diplomacy summed up as the art of letting someone else have your way. You, Albus, are the definitive diplomat,' Severus pushed himself upright and reached for the despised cane, 'If there is nothing more you wish to discuss..?'
Dumbledore flapped at hand at him, 'No, no, of course not. Thank you for giving me your time.'
With a curt nod, Severus turned and swept from the room. Dumbledore smiled and popped a lemon drop into his mouth. He offered the box to Harry.
'Quite the temper Severus has,' he commented
Harry had no reply to that. He refused the lemon drops politely. Dumbledore returned the box to his drawer. He folded his hands on the surface of his desk.
'So tell me, young Harry, how are you getting on with your father?'
Harry had been dreading just such a question, especially coming on the heels of that.... whatever it had been, when Severus had yelled at him.
'I.... don't know, sir.'
Dumbledore nodded as though he understood completely. Which, Harry thought, would be quite a feat, considering he himself wasn't sure he knew what he meant.
'Ah, well. You are both learning. All I can suggest is that you give it time.'
But how much time? Harry wanted to ask. When would enough time have passed for them to settle into a normal father-son relationship? Would it ever be possible? Harry fought the urge to sigh despondently. He nodded instead.
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled behind his spectacles, 'I'm sure Mr Weasley and Miss Granger must be wondering where you have gotten to.'
Severus was pacing, without the aid of his cane. Every third pace or so, his stride would hitch and a faint spasm of pain would flit through the darker expression on his face.
'You don't seem to understand, Remus. He won't let me protect my own family,' Severus's legs delivered a forceful protest at the abuse and he heeded them now, collapsing into a chair, 'my *only* family.'
It seemed to Remus that they had been holding the same conversation for hours now, but the clock told a different story. Only a little over one hour had passed since Severus had stormed Remus in his rooms and began ranting about Dumbledore's dictatorial actions. Remus had yet to force his friend to see reason.
'I think it is more a matter of Dumbledore not letting you sacrifice your life needlessly,' Remus's patience was beginning to wear thin. The usually rational Potions Master had deserted reason altogether.
Severus opened his mouth to make some asinine retort but Remus didn't allow him the opportunity to speak, 'Harry needs you alive, Severus. He doesn't need another dead father.'
Severus's mouth snapped shut and Remus thought he might finally have gotten through to the man. But then his expression fell. Remus had the sinking feeling he had some how managed to make matters worse. Severus confirmed the sensation with his next comment.
'It's my fault James is dead in the first place.'
He pushed himself to his feet again, ignoring the twinges of protest from his legs, 'I should have killed Voldemort when I had the chance. *I* should have been their Secret Keeper. I should have been there! I don't deserve Harry,' Severus spun on his heel as he reached the wall and came face to face with other man.
Remus slapped him.
Severus raised a shocked hand to his stinging cheek.
Remus glared at Severus, 'It's your turn to shut up and listen to me.
'Fourteen years ago I let you get away with this. I let you get away with blaming yourself for the deaths of James and Lily. I even let you get away with blaming me. I'm not going to let you do it again.
'You might be right. You may not deserve Harry - I'm not qualified to judge. But this isn't about you. It's about what *Harry* deserves, and *he* deserves *you*. You have no right to deprive him of the family he needs, again.
'Do you think Harry would thank you if you went and got yourself killed in the name of saving his life? It's more likely that he would hate you for it.
'And what about James and Lily? They gave up their lives protecting your son and you want to throw that all away by running out and dying needlessly. *They* wouldn't thank you.
'Hell, Severus, *I* certainly won't be thanking you if you die. You're one of the few friends I have left.
'You are *not* to blame for James and Lily's deaths. There was nothing you could have done. If you had been there that night, you would have died *too* and Harry really *would* be an orphan today.' Remus ran his hands through his hair and turned away from Severus, 'Even if you had been the Secret Keeper, something would have happened sooner or later and James and Lily still would have died, and probably Harry along with them. As much as no one likes to admit it, it seems they were fated to die that night.'
Remus reclaimed his seat and stared resolutely away from Severus, 'You have to stop blaming yourself for the past. If you insist on dwelling upon it, there is no way you will be able to develop a healthy relationship with your son.'
Remus's eyes flickered briefly to the still staring potions master. His voice turned slightly bitter, 'You don't seem to be able to see how truly *lucky* you are.'
Severus snorted.
'I am quite serious. You and James had a love to last a lifetime. You and Harry were his whole world. I don't believe he regretted a moment he spent with you.
'And Lily. She loved you as much as a sister could. I never had that. Never. I was the skeleton in my family's closet, to be reviled at worst, tolerated at best.'
Remus turned impassioned eyes on Severus now, pinning him where he stood.
'And *Harry*! You have the most wonderful child, Severus. He is good and kind and intelligent and courageous and every thing a father could ever want in a son. You have no idea how I *envy* you.'
Remus's voice was bitter again, 'But you are blind to all that. You choose to dwell on the negative in your life. What you have lost, instead of what you *have*. You have a chance here to reclaim some of the glorious happiness you had for such a sort time when James was still alive, and you are going to pass it over because Dumbledore denied you the right to get yourself killed.
'My family never loved me like Lily loved you. I'll probably never have a love like you and James had. I doubt I'll *ever* have a child.'
Remus followed Severus's movements as the other sat back down, a completely blank look on his face. The werewolf's brown eyes pleaded with his friend's black ones.
'Please don't throw this second chance away, Severus.'
The quiet was tense, and intense. Remus kept his eyes riveted to Severus's face, trying to read the myriad of emotions that battled there. He couldn't tell what the other man was thinking.
Finally, Severus sighed and his face relaxed into an expression of old pain, 'It hurts, Remus.'
Remus nodded. It did hurt. Letting go of all the things that one's shield had been comprised of for years. Forcing oneself to confront old pain untended for a decade and a half. Admitting that there was nothing that could have been done to save one's loved ones. Giving up, finally, on changing what could never have been changed in the first place. It all hurt.
But then, so did lancing a wound.
'It's so hard to let go.'
Remus nodded again. Of course it was hard to let go of closely held memories of the people one had loved. Difficult to release the anger, because that would mean accepting they were dead and gone forever. Harder still to absolve oneself of the blame of not doing more to protect them. It was so very, very hard to lay their memories to rest.
'Let them sleep, Sev.'
Severus drew in a deep breath and held it. When it finally left him on a long, slow sigh it took something with it. Something indefinable, something that had been weighing on his heart for a long time. In its wake, Severus's body was more relaxed then it had been in years.
TBC
AN: Erm.. can you say 'hi-jack'? That's what Harry and Severus did to my story. They weren't meant to get into a shouting match.... I think maybe there were too many emotions bottled up in there....
Erm... it seems Remus thought Sev needed a wake-up call. Does anyone have any idea how to prevent their characters from taking over their story? Please tell me if you do.
Sorry about that whole raping and skinning Harry thing, but I needed some believable reason for Sev to slip up, and I thought the was extreme enough to cause him slip. I mean, what father could stand idly by whilst people casually discussed doing that to his child?
*horrified expression* I can't believe I just did that! Dumbledore and those damn lemon drops! Where do they come from anyway? The first book?
I promise more fun with the next chapter. Diagon Alley, people!
And Sirius has to be told at some point.... ^_~
Did you notice that WONDERFUL little button down the left-hand corner? Wouldn't you LOVE to know what it does? Click on it to find out!