None of these characters belong to me. "Conversations In A Dead Language" belongs to Thomas Ligotti. "Identity Removal" and "Junkyard Funeral" belong to Schnauzer.
12.
"-but they would never find it in the places they were looking,"
Professor Dumbledore read,and closed the book.
He studied the faces around him,glowing in the surreal firelight
Minerva looked impressed. Harry sat openmouthed,and Dumbledore
knew he would be borrowing more than just Poe. Madame Hooch,
statuesque as always,sat still,those mysterious eyes wide. Severus
was lost in thought,comprehending the full scope of the story.
Dennis and Alastor both sat openmouthed. So did Colin,although he
had fallen asleep. Hagrid was laughing about something. Sprout
flashed her best witchy grin at Dumbledore.
None of them could speak except Dennis. "Wow," he said. "That was
just...wow."
"Thomas Ligotti has that effect on people," Dumbledore said. "I knew
this book would be perfect for Halloween."
"What compelled him to write that?" McGonagall asked.
"The story got in his head," Moody said. "Probably couldn't sleep
until it was all down."
The story,"Conversations In A Dead Language," had been the last
in a Ligotti triptych that had included "The Frolic" "I Have A
Special Plan For This World" "The Nameless Horror" and "New Faces
In The City" as he had previously promised.
"Sometimes the visions are dark," Snape said. "But there's nothing
wrong with a well-told horror story."
"I brought only the best," Dumbledore said. "You know,I brought
some candy. I don't remember what I did with it."
He looked into the starry sky.
Something fell out of the darkness.
It bounced in front of Hagrid.
He picked it up. "Chocolate," he said. He gave half to Sprout.
Hagrid looked at Dumbledore,and saw his twinkling eyes.
It began to rain candy.
"The one thing we were missing," Dumbledore said,trying his hardest
not to look pleased with himself. He magicked a wooden bowl out of
nothing and caught as much as it would hold.
The shower was short but bountiful; sweets of all sorts showered down on them,including Chocolate Frogs,which bounced around the circle until they were still. When it was over,they were buried in several feet of Halloween treats. Colin,fast asleep,was barely visible. They let him sleep.
"Have you ever met Bertie Bott?" Dennis asked,chewing on an Every
Flavor Bean.
"I have never met the man," Dumbledore said. "For all I know,Bertie Bott might be a woman. I'm not even sure if there is such a person
in the first place. What flavor did you get?"
"It tastes like milk," Dennis said.
"Fresh,I hope."
Dennis nodded.
"Mine tastes like dirt," Snape said.
"Have you eaten dirt,Professor Snape?"
"Enough to know the taste,Mr. Creevey. Something funny,Minerva?"
Professor McGonagall coughed. "No,Severus. Nothing." She tried to
look serious and failed.
Snape let her laugh.
Tonight had been an experience. He felt like he understood Linus's
state of mind; he felt that this was the closest to a spiritual
experience to which he would ever come. "Albus,what time-"
Dumbledore checked his watch. "Nearly two in the morning,Severus."
"We're up late," Dennis yawned. "Is this what it's like to grow up?"
"I wouldn't know," Dumbledore said,his mustache twitching.
"Mornin' and night get blurred,sometimes." Hagrid said.
"I've noticed that," Harry said,working on a chocolate bar.
"You know..." Snape said,"It's like you said,Albus...we came together in the spirit of Halloween. Believing the Great Pumpkin would come united us-"
"Did I say that,Severus?"
"I remember some of it," Minerva said. "Severus is right."
"Well,thank you,Minerva, I'll mark my calendar. 'Today,Professor
McGonagall agreed with me.'"
Minerva buried her face in Dumbledore's shoulder,unleashing cackles
that befitted a witch. The power of pumpkin compels us, she thought,
and laughed even harder.
In no time at all,Dennis was asleep. Alastor stood up and picked
him up off of the ground,cradling him in his arms. The group watched
him do this in silence. He put Dennis down just outside the circle,
where he was able to stretch out on the soft grass.
"Can you spare a blanket,Hagrid?" Dumbledore asked.
"'Course I can," he said. He began to rise.
"I'll get it." Dumbledore said. "Be right back."
He got up,took a few steps-
Then he came back and swept his bowl of candy off of the ground.
He strode to the door and opened it.
His shadow spilled across the moonlit floor.
Dumbledore stepped into the darkness,and closed the door.
He began to notice a subtle stench,one he knew well. It grew
more pungent as he crossed the floor. It was the smell of
human sewage,biological waste,the likes you could only find...
"In a sewer," he whispered.
In the darkness,something shifted.
"Hello,Dumbledore," it said. It sounded as if it were fighting
to clear its throat of sludge.
Dumbledore was not afraid. He was an old man. If this were Death,
black-cloaked and skull-faced,he would not be surprised.
Then,there was another voice,and for a moment,Dumbledore was
in another place.
-it was like a depressurizing airplane,things flying everywhere:
pieces of stuffed animals, mattresses,inflatable beach balls,
cream pies,being thrown around,especially at the band onstage,who
weren't missing a note. "-and I KNOOOW I'm gonna be at your FUNERAL-"
Most impressive was the pirate ship-
and then he was back in Hagrid's hut.
He heard,"Lumos."
Soft light cast his shadow on the wall.
"You thought the Great Pumpkin wouldn't come," Voldemort said. "Here
I am,Dumbledore."
"Hello,Tom," Dumbledore said. Ten. "You look terrible."
"The boy threw my wand down a sewer."
"Certainly smells that way." Nine.
Voldemort grinned. "Those would be terrible last words."
"Are you going to kill me,Tom?"
"Why not? I've just spent the last few hours in a dark,dank sewer.
I'm feeling reckless. I was going to kill Harry in front of you
and then leave you alive-see,I just read this wonderful book called
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER-"
"They made a mess of the film." Eight.
"Oh,they certainly did," Voldemort said.
"You've seen it," Dumbledore noted. Seven
"Yes. Yes I have." He frowned."They took a great book and vomited all over it. The book made me realize that the worst punishment for you would be to live in a world without Harry."
"That would be terrible," Dumbledore agreed. Six.
"I'm going to kill you," Voldemort said. Five. "Then I'm going to massacre your party outside-" Four. "-and then kill everyone in
that blasted castle." Three.
"Then I suppose you should kill me," Dumbledore said. "There's no
way that would ever happen if I were alive."
Two.
"I didn't think it would end this way," Voldemort said. "I mean,
you with a bowl of candy between life and death."
One.
"No more candy for you,Professor."
He grabbed the bowl away from Dumbledore.
"Always the student,aren't you,Tom?"
Zero.
Voldemort looked from the candy to Dumbledore. His mouth fell open.
Then the portkey activated,and disappeared along with Voldemort.
"Damn,I'm good." Dumbledore said.
"-Last time we played here,we got paid a hundred and forty-five
dollars. Unfortunately,we cause a hundred fifty dollars in damage.
Here's the song that wrecked this place. We call it...'JUNKYARD FUNERAL!'"
Voldemort materialized in the middle of a vicious mosh pit. There
were limbs flying everywhere,and not all of their owners were sober.
Someone kicked his knee out from under him and he went down,the
bowl of candy spilling onto the floor; he lost the bowl,too,and
someone fell on his outstretched leg; there was an audible CRACK
and Voldemort screamed as everyone around him began to fall,knowing
they weren't going to kill him,because there were worse things than
death in this place.
12.
"-but they would never find it in the places they were looking,"
Professor Dumbledore read,and closed the book.
He studied the faces around him,glowing in the surreal firelight
Minerva looked impressed. Harry sat openmouthed,and Dumbledore
knew he would be borrowing more than just Poe. Madame Hooch,
statuesque as always,sat still,those mysterious eyes wide. Severus
was lost in thought,comprehending the full scope of the story.
Dennis and Alastor both sat openmouthed. So did Colin,although he
had fallen asleep. Hagrid was laughing about something. Sprout
flashed her best witchy grin at Dumbledore.
None of them could speak except Dennis. "Wow," he said. "That was
just...wow."
"Thomas Ligotti has that effect on people," Dumbledore said. "I knew
this book would be perfect for Halloween."
"What compelled him to write that?" McGonagall asked.
"The story got in his head," Moody said. "Probably couldn't sleep
until it was all down."
The story,"Conversations In A Dead Language," had been the last
in a Ligotti triptych that had included "The Frolic" "I Have A
Special Plan For This World" "The Nameless Horror" and "New Faces
In The City" as he had previously promised.
"Sometimes the visions are dark," Snape said. "But there's nothing
wrong with a well-told horror story."
"I brought only the best," Dumbledore said. "You know,I brought
some candy. I don't remember what I did with it."
He looked into the starry sky.
Something fell out of the darkness.
It bounced in front of Hagrid.
He picked it up. "Chocolate," he said. He gave half to Sprout.
Hagrid looked at Dumbledore,and saw his twinkling eyes.
It began to rain candy.
"The one thing we were missing," Dumbledore said,trying his hardest
not to look pleased with himself. He magicked a wooden bowl out of
nothing and caught as much as it would hold.
The shower was short but bountiful; sweets of all sorts showered down on them,including Chocolate Frogs,which bounced around the circle until they were still. When it was over,they were buried in several feet of Halloween treats. Colin,fast asleep,was barely visible. They let him sleep.
"Have you ever met Bertie Bott?" Dennis asked,chewing on an Every
Flavor Bean.
"I have never met the man," Dumbledore said. "For all I know,Bertie Bott might be a woman. I'm not even sure if there is such a person
in the first place. What flavor did you get?"
"It tastes like milk," Dennis said.
"Fresh,I hope."
Dennis nodded.
"Mine tastes like dirt," Snape said.
"Have you eaten dirt,Professor Snape?"
"Enough to know the taste,Mr. Creevey. Something funny,Minerva?"
Professor McGonagall coughed. "No,Severus. Nothing." She tried to
look serious and failed.
Snape let her laugh.
Tonight had been an experience. He felt like he understood Linus's
state of mind; he felt that this was the closest to a spiritual
experience to which he would ever come. "Albus,what time-"
Dumbledore checked his watch. "Nearly two in the morning,Severus."
"We're up late," Dennis yawned. "Is this what it's like to grow up?"
"I wouldn't know," Dumbledore said,his mustache twitching.
"Mornin' and night get blurred,sometimes." Hagrid said.
"I've noticed that," Harry said,working on a chocolate bar.
"You know..." Snape said,"It's like you said,Albus...we came together in the spirit of Halloween. Believing the Great Pumpkin would come united us-"
"Did I say that,Severus?"
"I remember some of it," Minerva said. "Severus is right."
"Well,thank you,Minerva, I'll mark my calendar. 'Today,Professor
McGonagall agreed with me.'"
Minerva buried her face in Dumbledore's shoulder,unleashing cackles
that befitted a witch. The power of pumpkin compels us, she thought,
and laughed even harder.
In no time at all,Dennis was asleep. Alastor stood up and picked
him up off of the ground,cradling him in his arms. The group watched
him do this in silence. He put Dennis down just outside the circle,
where he was able to stretch out on the soft grass.
"Can you spare a blanket,Hagrid?" Dumbledore asked.
"'Course I can," he said. He began to rise.
"I'll get it." Dumbledore said. "Be right back."
He got up,took a few steps-
Then he came back and swept his bowl of candy off of the ground.
He strode to the door and opened it.
His shadow spilled across the moonlit floor.
Dumbledore stepped into the darkness,and closed the door.
He began to notice a subtle stench,one he knew well. It grew
more pungent as he crossed the floor. It was the smell of
human sewage,biological waste,the likes you could only find...
"In a sewer," he whispered.
In the darkness,something shifted.
"Hello,Dumbledore," it said. It sounded as if it were fighting
to clear its throat of sludge.
Dumbledore was not afraid. He was an old man. If this were Death,
black-cloaked and skull-faced,he would not be surprised.
Then,there was another voice,and for a moment,Dumbledore was
in another place.
-it was like a depressurizing airplane,things flying everywhere:
pieces of stuffed animals, mattresses,inflatable beach balls,
cream pies,being thrown around,especially at the band onstage,who
weren't missing a note. "-and I KNOOOW I'm gonna be at your FUNERAL-"
Most impressive was the pirate ship-
and then he was back in Hagrid's hut.
He heard,"Lumos."
Soft light cast his shadow on the wall.
"You thought the Great Pumpkin wouldn't come," Voldemort said. "Here
I am,Dumbledore."
"Hello,Tom," Dumbledore said. Ten. "You look terrible."
"The boy threw my wand down a sewer."
"Certainly smells that way." Nine.
Voldemort grinned. "Those would be terrible last words."
"Are you going to kill me,Tom?"
"Why not? I've just spent the last few hours in a dark,dank sewer.
I'm feeling reckless. I was going to kill Harry in front of you
and then leave you alive-see,I just read this wonderful book called
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER-"
"They made a mess of the film." Eight.
"Oh,they certainly did," Voldemort said.
"You've seen it," Dumbledore noted. Seven
"Yes. Yes I have." He frowned."They took a great book and vomited all over it. The book made me realize that the worst punishment for you would be to live in a world without Harry."
"That would be terrible," Dumbledore agreed. Six.
"I'm going to kill you," Voldemort said. Five. "Then I'm going to massacre your party outside-" Four. "-and then kill everyone in
that blasted castle." Three.
"Then I suppose you should kill me," Dumbledore said. "There's no
way that would ever happen if I were alive."
Two.
"I didn't think it would end this way," Voldemort said. "I mean,
you with a bowl of candy between life and death."
One.
"No more candy for you,Professor."
He grabbed the bowl away from Dumbledore.
"Always the student,aren't you,Tom?"
Zero.
Voldemort looked from the candy to Dumbledore. His mouth fell open.
Then the portkey activated,and disappeared along with Voldemort.
"Damn,I'm good." Dumbledore said.
"-Last time we played here,we got paid a hundred and forty-five
dollars. Unfortunately,we cause a hundred fifty dollars in damage.
Here's the song that wrecked this place. We call it...'JUNKYARD FUNERAL!'"
Voldemort materialized in the middle of a vicious mosh pit. There
were limbs flying everywhere,and not all of their owners were sober.
Someone kicked his knee out from under him and he went down,the
bowl of candy spilling onto the floor; he lost the bowl,too,and
someone fell on his outstretched leg; there was an audible CRACK
and Voldemort screamed as everyone around him began to fall,knowing
they weren't going to kill him,because there were worse things than
death in this place.