Chapter 3
Luis hurried along the sidewalks of Harmony. Intent on one thing and one thing only...
Getting home to his beautiful wife.
A hand caught him from behind, and Luis groaned.
Busted!
"Whoa! Wait a minute. Where do you think you're going? You do know it's a crime to look so happy, don't you?" Sam's blue eyes twinkled.
But Luis could tell...this wasn't all fun and games. "Look, Sam. I..."
Sam shook his head. "Not yet, you don't. I want you to check something out for me. An elderly lady called 9-1-1 from the Book Café. Said someone assaulted her..."
"At the Book Café, Sam? I guess what they say is true. There's no place safe anymore."
"Would you..."
Luis smiled and gave his boss a friendly slap on the shoulder. "Sure thing."
"Thanks," Sam grinned. "Well...I'm off."
Luis's handsome features took on a look of such utter confusion...
"Going home to that lovely wife of mine," Sam bragged. Shoving his hands in his pockets and walking away.
"Sure," Luis called after him. "Rub it in. Might as well pour salt in the wound. Damn. Who the hell assaults a little old lady? In the Book Café no less?" he shook his head. And continued on his way.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Beth shook her head and blinked once, twice, three times as Theresa stumbled out of the bathroom.
Was it just her imagination? Or did Theresa have a Guiness Book-worthy wad of toilet paper trailing after her as she lunged toward her and Ethan's table?
"Excuse me!" a shrill voice yelled. "Excuse me! I ordered that coffee like 5 minutes ago."
Beth plastered her fake smile carefully in place and turned to face the woman. "I'm so sorry for your inconvenience," she apologized through clenched teeth. "Your coffee," she said. Setting the steaming styrofoam cup down in front of the Zsa Zsa Gabor look-alike. "Would you care for anything else?"
"Are you kidding?" Zsa Zsa huffed. "This place is worse than that wacko town on Passions. Come to think of it..." she tapped her chin with her index finger. "They DO have the same name. You haven't been wearing that ridiculous tie for 3 months, have you?" she scowled.
"You can't be serious."
"Never mind," Zsa Zsa said with a toss of her head. Catching a glimpse of a young couple that looked suspiciously like...Theresa and Ethan! Oh! The horror! "I really should get going. I'm late enough as it is."
"Whatever," Beth shrugged her shoulders. "Some people..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ethan bounced his baby sister on his knee.
"You know," Reese informed him. "I really don't think you should be doing that."
Ethan looked at him dumbly.
"Her brain's still...have you ever heard of Shaken Baby Syndrome? I just don't think you should be bouncing her so...vigorously," Reese winced. "But that's just me..." he trailed off. Rising from his seat to meet his girlfriend half-way.
Ethan looked appropriately horrified as he gathered his gurgling baby sister close to his chest. How would he ever explain to Mother how he brain-damaged his baby sister?
When he pulled back to look into Brandy's blue-green eyes, all he got was a blank stare. "Oh no," he whispered. "It's true."
"Reese," Kay deadpanned. "We better bail while we can. A flash-flood has been forecast. Besides...hear that?"
Reese's blue eyes twinkled at her.
"That little cha-ching noise? That's our IQ's dropping steadily. Lethal Weapon's perfume is putting off dangerous fumes and depleting our smarts. I say we blow this joint."
"After you, M'lady," Reese grinned. Holding out his arm.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"It was so awful, Officer," the elderly woman lamented. "I was sitting on the toilet, and..."
"Mrs. Horton," Luis placed a consoling hand on her arm. If he weren't so anxious to get home to Sheridan, he might find this mildly amusing. "Why don't you just give me a description of your attacker?"
"Okay," Mrs. Horton said in a shaky but sweet voice.
"Male or female?" Luis took out his notepad.
Mrs. Horton gave him a "what the hell?!" look. "I was in the ladies' restroom, Dear. Female."
"Sorry," Luis apologized sheepishly. "Anything else?"
"It was like some nightmare," Mrs. Horton shuddered. "Like she was demonically possessed," she confided. "She had black blood pouring from her eyes."
Luis bit the inside of his cheek. Thank you, Sam, he thought. Demons. Psychos. Smartass grannies hiding behind bifocals and clutching knitting needles. "Did she physically attack you? Lay a hand on you?"
"Why no! But I could have had a heart attack, Dear," she laughed nervously. "I don't want to meet my Maker yet. I have BINGO Thursday. There IS one other thing I just remembered!" she exclaimed. "She was screaming something like `EEEEEEEEEDDDUNNNN'. No. That wasn't it. It was more like `Edumb'. I'm sorry," she wrung her hands. "My hearing's not what it used to be," she said at the stricken look on his face.
"Mrs. Horton," he closed his notepad. "I'll get right on it. As a matter of fact...something you said rang a bell."
"Oh goodie!" Mrs. Horton clapped her hands together. "And when you find her, I want you to lock her ass up for a long time," she growled. Taking on a frightening snarl.
Theresa, Luis groaned inwardly as he scurried inside the Book Café. Careful to make sure Mrs. Horton was nowhere to be found. Appearances certainly could be deceiving. "Hey Beth," he waved. "Have you seen Theresa?"
Beth smiled at him. "Sorry, Luis. You just missed her. She and Ethan..."
Luis was already out the door.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ethan juggled Brandy on his hip as he struggled to catch up with Theresa. Where had she gone? He couldn't see her anywhere, he thought. Panicking.
Something white was flapping in the breeze.
And while he stared at it trying to figure out what it was...it MOVED!
Toilet paper! How embarrassing!
He raced forward. The public humiliation was too awful to think about, and when he rounded the corner, he saw her. "THERESA!"
"You love her more than me," Theresa wailed.
"Mother?" Ethan's face scrunched up in thought.
"YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER MORE THAN ME?!?!" Theresa screamed. Stomping her foot.
Ethan's blue eyes were fixated on the toilet paper streaming in the air.
"Ethan! Look at me!" Theresa demanded. Grabbing his face between both hands and forcing the issue.
One look at Theresa's mascara-smudged face, and Brandy started screaming bloody murder.
Luis rounded the corner with a relieved sigh. "Theresa! Ethan!" he yelled as he skidded to a stop beside Ethan. "What's...going...on...here?" he panted.
"My life is over," Theresa trembled. "Over. Ethan and I are getting a divorce."
"W-W-What?" Ethan stuttered. "Why? Because I said..."
"He doesn't love me best," Theresa crumpled in Luis's arms. "I'm 3^rd best behind Mrs. Crane and the baby."
"Actually..." Ethan corrected. "You're somewhere around 6^th or 7^th."
Dear God in Heaven, Luis thought with a groan as his sister clutched handfuls of his police uniform. Smearing ruined makeup all over it. Well...at least Sheridan wouldn't think he was cheating on her. The pattern of the stains was classic Theresa.
Brandy continued to shriek in Ethan's arms.
"Ouch!" Ethan yelped when Luis pinched a plug out of the soft underskin of his arm. "Why'd you do that for?"
`Fix it,' Luis mouthed with a glare.
"Theresa, I'm sorry," Ethan said woefully. "I...I don't love Mother best. I don't love anyone better than you."
"Promise?" Theresa sniffled. Relaxing the death grip she had on her brother's shirt.
Luis carefully withdrew Brandy from Ethan's arms and put some distance between them and the quarreling couple as he tried to calm her tears.
"Cross my heart and hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye."
"Eww!" Theresa scrunched her face up in disgust. "Ethan!"
"What now?" he sighed. His head hurt. He was SO confused. "I love you, Theresa. You're my wife."
Theresa's brown eyes melted, and she surged forward. Wrapping her arms around his waist and squeezing so tight Ethan was sure he'd never breathe again.
"Don't you feel much safer with Uncle Luis?"
Brandy blinked back fat crystal tears, and her tiny fist waved in the air. Until Luis caught it and placed a gentle kiss there. Making her smile.
"Oh my goodness! Ethan! Why didn't somebody tell me my make-up was ruined? I have to fix it! But I need something to..."
Ethan knelt down and yanked the wad of toilet tissue from her shoe.
Theresa took the paper with a mega-watt smile. "My hero."
Luis and Brandy exchanged glances. "You're coming home with me, Kid. I think Aunt Sheridan will understand."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Luis shifted the gurgling baby to his other arm as he fitted the key in the lock.
The door creaked open, and some low, sexy tune made him close his brown eyes in regret. "Sheridan! I'm home, Baby!"
The music stopped, and he walked across the cozy living room into the kitchen. Tossing his keys on the counter. "Are you hungry? `Cause you look like you're hungry," Luis asked Brandy.
Brandy's only response...
A Babe-like grunt.
Luis's lips twisted upward in a wry grin.
"Luis...Mijo. It's your Mother. Are you in there?" Pilar called from the living room.
"In the kitchen," Luis answered. Goodbye night of animalistic passion with the Missus, he thought with a groan.
"YOU have the baby," Pilar sighed in relief. Taking Brandy from her son. "Your sister and Ethan called in hysterics. Ready to put out an APB."
"Little Miss Crane has had quite an eventful day," Luis told her with a laugh. His little sister better be on some pretty damn good birth control. The world was NOT ready for her and Ethan to become parents.
The lights in the living room dimmed, and Pilar shot a confused look his way. "Mijo? What's going on in there?"
"Mama...Mama...Mama!"
"DIOS MIO!"
"Don't go in there," he groaned. Running after her.
His wife...his gorgeous, sexy wife...wore little to nothing but a mortified smile on her lovely deathly pale face.
"Welcome home," she whispered. Scanning the living frantically for...SOMETHING...to cover herself up.
Luis couldn't help but crack a smile as his mother ducked her head and headed straight for the kitchen. Furiously making the sign of the cross and uttering words of prayer.
He snagged the pair of handcuffs that dangled from the fingers of one of Sheridan's hands with a questioning look.
"Role reversal," she told him weakly. "I thought you might like to be the bad guy THIS time. Oh God, Luis," she groaned. Burying her face in his chest. "I could just crawl up in a hole and die. Why does this ALWAYS happen to us? The look on her face...she thinks..."
"She thinks right," he smirked.
"Damn you," Sheridan grumbled. Rolling her blue eyes at him. "You think it's so funny. You're lucky I love you. And want you. And...Next time give me a warning," she hissed as she darted down the hall toward their bedroom.
"So there WILL be a next time?" he teased as her blond head disappeared behind the door.
Her muffled, "Shut up, Officer...before I arrest you" had him laughing out loud.
Luis hurried along the sidewalks of Harmony. Intent on one thing and one thing only...
Getting home to his beautiful wife.
A hand caught him from behind, and Luis groaned.
Busted!
"Whoa! Wait a minute. Where do you think you're going? You do know it's a crime to look so happy, don't you?" Sam's blue eyes twinkled.
But Luis could tell...this wasn't all fun and games. "Look, Sam. I..."
Sam shook his head. "Not yet, you don't. I want you to check something out for me. An elderly lady called 9-1-1 from the Book Café. Said someone assaulted her..."
"At the Book Café, Sam? I guess what they say is true. There's no place safe anymore."
"Would you..."
Luis smiled and gave his boss a friendly slap on the shoulder. "Sure thing."
"Thanks," Sam grinned. "Well...I'm off."
Luis's handsome features took on a look of such utter confusion...
"Going home to that lovely wife of mine," Sam bragged. Shoving his hands in his pockets and walking away.
"Sure," Luis called after him. "Rub it in. Might as well pour salt in the wound. Damn. Who the hell assaults a little old lady? In the Book Café no less?" he shook his head. And continued on his way.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Beth shook her head and blinked once, twice, three times as Theresa stumbled out of the bathroom.
Was it just her imagination? Or did Theresa have a Guiness Book-worthy wad of toilet paper trailing after her as she lunged toward her and Ethan's table?
"Excuse me!" a shrill voice yelled. "Excuse me! I ordered that coffee like 5 minutes ago."
Beth plastered her fake smile carefully in place and turned to face the woman. "I'm so sorry for your inconvenience," she apologized through clenched teeth. "Your coffee," she said. Setting the steaming styrofoam cup down in front of the Zsa Zsa Gabor look-alike. "Would you care for anything else?"
"Are you kidding?" Zsa Zsa huffed. "This place is worse than that wacko town on Passions. Come to think of it..." she tapped her chin with her index finger. "They DO have the same name. You haven't been wearing that ridiculous tie for 3 months, have you?" she scowled.
"You can't be serious."
"Never mind," Zsa Zsa said with a toss of her head. Catching a glimpse of a young couple that looked suspiciously like...Theresa and Ethan! Oh! The horror! "I really should get going. I'm late enough as it is."
"Whatever," Beth shrugged her shoulders. "Some people..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ethan bounced his baby sister on his knee.
"You know," Reese informed him. "I really don't think you should be doing that."
Ethan looked at him dumbly.
"Her brain's still...have you ever heard of Shaken Baby Syndrome? I just don't think you should be bouncing her so...vigorously," Reese winced. "But that's just me..." he trailed off. Rising from his seat to meet his girlfriend half-way.
Ethan looked appropriately horrified as he gathered his gurgling baby sister close to his chest. How would he ever explain to Mother how he brain-damaged his baby sister?
When he pulled back to look into Brandy's blue-green eyes, all he got was a blank stare. "Oh no," he whispered. "It's true."
"Reese," Kay deadpanned. "We better bail while we can. A flash-flood has been forecast. Besides...hear that?"
Reese's blue eyes twinkled at her.
"That little cha-ching noise? That's our IQ's dropping steadily. Lethal Weapon's perfume is putting off dangerous fumes and depleting our smarts. I say we blow this joint."
"After you, M'lady," Reese grinned. Holding out his arm.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"It was so awful, Officer," the elderly woman lamented. "I was sitting on the toilet, and..."
"Mrs. Horton," Luis placed a consoling hand on her arm. If he weren't so anxious to get home to Sheridan, he might find this mildly amusing. "Why don't you just give me a description of your attacker?"
"Okay," Mrs. Horton said in a shaky but sweet voice.
"Male or female?" Luis took out his notepad.
Mrs. Horton gave him a "what the hell?!" look. "I was in the ladies' restroom, Dear. Female."
"Sorry," Luis apologized sheepishly. "Anything else?"
"It was like some nightmare," Mrs. Horton shuddered. "Like she was demonically possessed," she confided. "She had black blood pouring from her eyes."
Luis bit the inside of his cheek. Thank you, Sam, he thought. Demons. Psychos. Smartass grannies hiding behind bifocals and clutching knitting needles. "Did she physically attack you? Lay a hand on you?"
"Why no! But I could have had a heart attack, Dear," she laughed nervously. "I don't want to meet my Maker yet. I have BINGO Thursday. There IS one other thing I just remembered!" she exclaimed. "She was screaming something like `EEEEEEEEEDDDUNNNN'. No. That wasn't it. It was more like `Edumb'. I'm sorry," she wrung her hands. "My hearing's not what it used to be," she said at the stricken look on his face.
"Mrs. Horton," he closed his notepad. "I'll get right on it. As a matter of fact...something you said rang a bell."
"Oh goodie!" Mrs. Horton clapped her hands together. "And when you find her, I want you to lock her ass up for a long time," she growled. Taking on a frightening snarl.
Theresa, Luis groaned inwardly as he scurried inside the Book Café. Careful to make sure Mrs. Horton was nowhere to be found. Appearances certainly could be deceiving. "Hey Beth," he waved. "Have you seen Theresa?"
Beth smiled at him. "Sorry, Luis. You just missed her. She and Ethan..."
Luis was already out the door.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ethan juggled Brandy on his hip as he struggled to catch up with Theresa. Where had she gone? He couldn't see her anywhere, he thought. Panicking.
Something white was flapping in the breeze.
And while he stared at it trying to figure out what it was...it MOVED!
Toilet paper! How embarrassing!
He raced forward. The public humiliation was too awful to think about, and when he rounded the corner, he saw her. "THERESA!"
"You love her more than me," Theresa wailed.
"Mother?" Ethan's face scrunched up in thought.
"YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER MORE THAN ME?!?!" Theresa screamed. Stomping her foot.
Ethan's blue eyes were fixated on the toilet paper streaming in the air.
"Ethan! Look at me!" Theresa demanded. Grabbing his face between both hands and forcing the issue.
One look at Theresa's mascara-smudged face, and Brandy started screaming bloody murder.
Luis rounded the corner with a relieved sigh. "Theresa! Ethan!" he yelled as he skidded to a stop beside Ethan. "What's...going...on...here?" he panted.
"My life is over," Theresa trembled. "Over. Ethan and I are getting a divorce."
"W-W-What?" Ethan stuttered. "Why? Because I said..."
"He doesn't love me best," Theresa crumpled in Luis's arms. "I'm 3^rd best behind Mrs. Crane and the baby."
"Actually..." Ethan corrected. "You're somewhere around 6^th or 7^th."
Dear God in Heaven, Luis thought with a groan as his sister clutched handfuls of his police uniform. Smearing ruined makeup all over it. Well...at least Sheridan wouldn't think he was cheating on her. The pattern of the stains was classic Theresa.
Brandy continued to shriek in Ethan's arms.
"Ouch!" Ethan yelped when Luis pinched a plug out of the soft underskin of his arm. "Why'd you do that for?"
`Fix it,' Luis mouthed with a glare.
"Theresa, I'm sorry," Ethan said woefully. "I...I don't love Mother best. I don't love anyone better than you."
"Promise?" Theresa sniffled. Relaxing the death grip she had on her brother's shirt.
Luis carefully withdrew Brandy from Ethan's arms and put some distance between them and the quarreling couple as he tried to calm her tears.
"Cross my heart and hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye."
"Eww!" Theresa scrunched her face up in disgust. "Ethan!"
"What now?" he sighed. His head hurt. He was SO confused. "I love you, Theresa. You're my wife."
Theresa's brown eyes melted, and she surged forward. Wrapping her arms around his waist and squeezing so tight Ethan was sure he'd never breathe again.
"Don't you feel much safer with Uncle Luis?"
Brandy blinked back fat crystal tears, and her tiny fist waved in the air. Until Luis caught it and placed a gentle kiss there. Making her smile.
"Oh my goodness! Ethan! Why didn't somebody tell me my make-up was ruined? I have to fix it! But I need something to..."
Ethan knelt down and yanked the wad of toilet tissue from her shoe.
Theresa took the paper with a mega-watt smile. "My hero."
Luis and Brandy exchanged glances. "You're coming home with me, Kid. I think Aunt Sheridan will understand."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Luis shifted the gurgling baby to his other arm as he fitted the key in the lock.
The door creaked open, and some low, sexy tune made him close his brown eyes in regret. "Sheridan! I'm home, Baby!"
The music stopped, and he walked across the cozy living room into the kitchen. Tossing his keys on the counter. "Are you hungry? `Cause you look like you're hungry," Luis asked Brandy.
Brandy's only response...
A Babe-like grunt.
Luis's lips twisted upward in a wry grin.
"Luis...Mijo. It's your Mother. Are you in there?" Pilar called from the living room.
"In the kitchen," Luis answered. Goodbye night of animalistic passion with the Missus, he thought with a groan.
"YOU have the baby," Pilar sighed in relief. Taking Brandy from her son. "Your sister and Ethan called in hysterics. Ready to put out an APB."
"Little Miss Crane has had quite an eventful day," Luis told her with a laugh. His little sister better be on some pretty damn good birth control. The world was NOT ready for her and Ethan to become parents.
The lights in the living room dimmed, and Pilar shot a confused look his way. "Mijo? What's going on in there?"
"Mama...Mama...Mama!"
"DIOS MIO!"
"Don't go in there," he groaned. Running after her.
His wife...his gorgeous, sexy wife...wore little to nothing but a mortified smile on her lovely deathly pale face.
"Welcome home," she whispered. Scanning the living frantically for...SOMETHING...to cover herself up.
Luis couldn't help but crack a smile as his mother ducked her head and headed straight for the kitchen. Furiously making the sign of the cross and uttering words of prayer.
He snagged the pair of handcuffs that dangled from the fingers of one of Sheridan's hands with a questioning look.
"Role reversal," she told him weakly. "I thought you might like to be the bad guy THIS time. Oh God, Luis," she groaned. Burying her face in his chest. "I could just crawl up in a hole and die. Why does this ALWAYS happen to us? The look on her face...she thinks..."
"She thinks right," he smirked.
"Damn you," Sheridan grumbled. Rolling her blue eyes at him. "You think it's so funny. You're lucky I love you. And want you. And...Next time give me a warning," she hissed as she darted down the hall toward their bedroom.
"So there WILL be a next time?" he teased as her blond head disappeared behind the door.
Her muffled, "Shut up, Officer...before I arrest you" had him laughing out loud.