Copyright © 2002 by Syvia & Demon Hunter Anamae. All Rights Reserved.
Disclaimer: The few things we own are listed here; ourselves and the Narrator. Bucky the former chipmunk was inspired by the squirrel from The Emperor's New Groove. Crazy Dragon is responsible for the appearance of Janos' Porn Star T-shirt, as she was the one to draw him wearing it.
Anamae- Oh, and we don't own Crystarr either... not officially anyway. *winks*
Author's Notes: *The girls are seated at a posh table, dressed in high-necked, olde English type dresses, with tea cups in their hands. Anamae keeps tugging at the neck of hers. Her face slowly turns purple as Bucky looks on unconcerned.*
Syvia- *snooty version of a British accent* Here we are at Malfoy Manor-
Anamae- *cuts the collar apart with plot hole scissors and gasps* Or the set of Masterpiece Theater. Take your pick.
Syvia- With nine reviews. The first two are from- The Cat of Fluff-
Anamae- Oooh, bold print. Does this mean something is going on between you and the feline?!
Syvia- *raises her eyebrow and adopts an expression that matches the dress* Only that I'm tired of seeing the reviewers' names lost among our conversations. *clears throat* Moving right along- ^_^ Yep! Boo to Moebius :-p He should die and burn in hell.. except that he'd have too many friends there.
Anamae- You can say that again. *to CoF* His whole family is there.
Syvia- He should die and burn-
Anamae- I didn't mean that literally! :-p He'll get his comeuppance sooner or later.
Syvia- But CoF gave us a duplicate review, shouldn't I give the exact same answer?
Anamae- ... Moving on! To Fallen Templar- *both girls grin at the extended rant* We'll remember to save the eye for you, but I want the staff! :-D
Syvia- Feel the need for a long, pointy weapon, do you? *Anamae glares* Next, from Rocker Baby- *they wait for the rant to end* Calm down, hon. We know what we're doing. *smirks* And even if we didn't- it can't be changed now anyway. By the way, you've got an appointment with my Muse for that violent WCWN review you gave me.
Anamae- *smirks* It isn't nice to mess with Missus Author. *both grin evilly* Next, to Discordia- Oh Moby will get his, *Wayne impression* oh yes, he will get his. Syvia likes innuendo, that's where we got the Twister idea. :-p And thanks for the offer. ^_^
Syvia- Concept of a Demon- *big grin, starts chanting Kill Moe softly*
Anamae- *lmao* It was an odd twister position, that's all I know, and it killed some time while we waited for the Sarafan. *shrugs*
Syvia- To Plink- *lol* It was funnier that way!
Anamae- Raziella- Here's the chapter ^_^ Enjoy it with a passion! *makes a dramatic gesture with her hands.
Syvia- *looks at her* Uh-huh. Chalcedony- We all loved it. ^_^
Thank you very, very much! I don't know what I'd do without my fans! *tries to hug Chalcedony, but can't really do it, as she has no arms, settles for giving her a peck on the cheek* ^_^ *sighs gently* Ah the trials of being a narrator.
Anamae- *clears throat* And last but not least, Crystarr- Thank you, hon! ^_^ *lmao* That's a good idea! *pulls open a plot hole and hefts a watermelon thoughtfully* Now all we need is a bulls eye. *evil grin*
The Second Favorite Past Time of LoK Fic Writers
Moebius ran out the door- the Lieutenants chased him- so did Janos, fallen Raz, Syvia, Anamae, Bucky and I. Moebius pelted down the icy hallway at an amazing pace.... until I decided to make him slip and fall on a patch of ice.
Moebius- *looks up, confused* Wha...? Whoop! *thud*
The group pounced and tied him up.
Sarafan Rahab- *POUNCE* With what?
*some rope drops out of thin air* That.
Syvia- Wow, you're pretty handy to have on the offensive team. ^_^
Bucky gave me a thumbs up, which I could only return in spirit, as I have no hands. The Sarafan lifted Moebius by the arms and they stood there, looking at each other.
Anamae- Uh... what do we do now?
Syvia- Well....
Wait! The next segment was inspired by the Bikers Bar scene Pee-Wee's big Adventure. Then everyone looked at Syvia.
Anamae- *groans in disgust* Syv, you actually like that movie? It gave me nightmares...
Syvia- *dangerous look* You have a problem with that?
Everyone was quick to assure her that, no, they had no problems with that. Except Sarafan Zephon, who wanted to make a problem. After Syvia *edited due to graphic violence*, Zephon decided the problem wasn't really worth talking about. Now back to the Pee-Wee sequence.
Anamae- I say- we kill him!
*everyone cheers*
Syvia- I say we beat him senseless, then we kill him!
*everyone cheers*
Bucky- Squreak squean squeaker (I say we smash him over the head with a watermelon!)
*everyone looks at him strangely for a moment, half not having understood Squirrelish, the other half not having understood why use a watermelon, then they shrug and cheer*
Sarafan Melchiah- I say we skin him, then we kill him.
*everyone cheers* (Rahab- You and skin again...)
Sarafan Zephon- I say we hang him!
*everyone cheers*
Sarafan Rahab- I say we drown him, then resuscitate him, then we kill him!
*everyone cheers* (Hi, it's me, the narrator.)
Sarafan Dumah- I say we stab him fifty times, then kill him!
*everyone cheers* (I'm speaking in parentheses so I won't spoil the mood.)
Sarafan Turel- I say we break every bone in his body!
*everyone cheers* (That's Syvia's job, after all.)
Sarafan Raziel- I say we beat him senseless! *everyone cheers* Then we do whatever Bucky said! *everyone cheers* Then we skin him! *everyone cheers* Then we drown him! *everyone cheers* Then we resuscitate him! *everyone cheers* Then we stab him! *everyone cheers* Then we break every bone in his body, and then we kill him!
*everyone cheers* (This kind of thinking is why he's the leader.)
Moebius- *pretending to be one of the crowd* I say we let him go!
Everyone-*cheering* Nooooo!
SR Raz- *whistles- don't ask, grabs Moebius by the tunic and stands nose to nose with the Time Streamer* I say you let me have him first.
*everyone cheers* (For the last time, thank you God, the cheering was getting on my nerves.)
Moebius- Wait, wait! Don't I get a last request?
Everyone was against it... except the most important person in the group.
Janos- It's only fair.
We all argued about why is would be a very bad idea, but Janos wasn't turning back. So we untied Moebius and he borrowed Sarafan Melchiah's elevator boots.
Anamae- NO! NO! HE IS NOT GOING TO DO 'TEQUILA'! I refuse to be subjected to that horror! I hate that bloody song and the dance that goes with it!
Moebius- That's not why I wanted the shoes.
Everyone- It wasn't?
Then Moebius proceeded to kick all of the men in the groins while wearing the elevator boots, which was the only way he could do any damage through their armor. Then he ran off with SR Raziel, Anamae, Syvia, Bucky (and of course, me) in pursuit.
SR Raziel- If only Janos weren't so evenhanded.
Syvia- We couldn't agree with you more.
Anamae- Get Moebius! He's suppose to die! The reviewers wish it so!
Syvia- Then we beat him in all the ways Sarafan Raziel described!
So while Janos was left to get icepacks for the Sarafan warriors, (who were calling for their mothers) the girls, one pissed off animal and a Reaver called Raziel chased after Moebius, who for an old man who had just slipped and fallen on ice, was still going incredibly fast, sliding down the hallway on his bony butt.
Anamae- We're gonna kick the crap outta you!
SR Raziel- You stole my life, my soul, and my freedom! Now you will pay for it in blood!
Syvia- *really getting into the chase* Crush! Burn! Kill! Destroy!
Now I thought this was all well and good but the girls might need backup. So I did what any narrator would do when there is justice to be meted out.
Moebius- You're letting me go?
Hell no! All of the sudden, appearing right in front of the Time Streamer was the one, the only, the very powerful and not to mention available Kain, vampire ruler of all Nosgoth!
Kain- How did I get here? *sees Moebius, grins evilly* Not that it matters...
Anamae- Wait Kain we at least need to recover 50 percent of the body!
Syvia- *grimaces* I don't think that matters at this point.
Kain raced after Moebius with the others behind him. The Soul Reaver flashed in the dying light, cutting the air with every moment of Kain's arm. Moebius screamed like the little girl he really was as he raced across the marble corridors, working his way out of Janos' retreat. However, since we all hate him - save Janos who is always too nice to everyone, even scam artists - the Time Streamer slipped on the ice and fell full on his face. It didn't help his looks because Moebius had been damn ugly to begin with.
Moebius- Hey, I have feelings too, you know.
Syvia- No one cares, old man!
Anamae- *looming over him, holding a watermelon* And now we can begin to torture you! *giggles hysterically*
SR Raziel- Kain, will you do the honors this one time?
Kain tied the manipulative bastard up again. With Bucky riding on Moebius' head, shoving watermelon rinds into his mouth and Raziel kicking at his ribs, the four, dragged him back to Janos' chamber. There the Sarafan warriors sat on cushy chairs, holding ice packs to their man parts and watching T.V. as Janos passed around hot chocolate and food. Really, he was a good guy... once you got past the blue skin, wings, fangs and the need for blood. But some people like blue skin! Why, I know this girl in-
Janos- *interrupting* Kain! You're here?
Kain- Yeah, the narrator added me to savor the spice which only I can add to this aimless parody. *cheesy grin*
SR Raziel- Oh shut up.
Raziel, be nice.
Anamae- Yeah Raz be nice. *places her hand in his own* I like you the way you are.
SR Raziel- *brightening* Really?
Syvia- Umm, Anamae. *whispers in her ear* You already have Faustus, you know. *points to the ring that Anamae is still wearing*
Anamae- *whispering* I know, but Raziel here needs some TLC. *grins* You can go after Janos.
Syvia- *tapping a crowbar in her palm* I'd rather go after Moebius. *evil grin*
It should be known at this moment that Syvia does not mean that in a romantic sense; she just wants to beat the ever loving shit out of him!
Syvia- *looking blandly at the narrator* Um, yeah, I thought that was evident by the big f!$*#&@ CROWBAR I'm holding here! *holds it up*
I'm just trying to make sure they understand!
Syvia- This is exactly my problem with you- you dissemble! You could narrate so succinctly, but you just carry on and on! *everyone looks at Syvia and the narrator with bored expressions on their faces*
But that's my job! I'm supposed to be a tiresome, babbling, longwinded narrator!
Anamae- *tiredly* Syv, apologize to the narrator so we can get to the mutilation, okay?
Syvia- *sullenly* I'm sorry.
*huffily* Kain had finished tying Moebius from the rafters. Now eleven pairs of eyes...well twelve if you include mine, and thirteen if you count the mouse living in the corner of Janos' house, looked at the evil old man.
*Syvia looks furiously at Anamae, gesturing at the narrator as if to say 'This is exactly what I'm talking about.' Anamae gives Syvia a 'sit down and shut up' look.*
Sarafan Raziel- Now we get to beat him up!
Okay, I would describe this next sequence, because it involves some marvelous torture and more than one beating, but in the interest of keeping the little children innocent, I won't say anything.
All the Readers- Awwwwwwww!
Sorry guys. *Moebius can be heard screaming in the background* I will say that the kiddies had fun beating the snot out of Moebius. That part was kind of disgusting, all that snot everywhere... and the blood and bits of skin that were flayed off... but fun all the same! Oh! I know! Just use your imaginations! *Moebius screaming very shrilly* Imagine all the awful things you'd like to do to Moebius and pretend they did it! You'll come close.
All the Readers- Wahhh-hoo!
Moebius- *looking at the red hot poker in Kain's hand* Oh c'mon, please don't do this to me! I promise that I'll be nicer, I promise!!!!
Janos looked dubious at hearing this statement, and frowned. Anamae noticed.
Anamae- Don't listen to him, Janos. *claps her hands over his ears* Moebius spews lies out of his lips and various other areas of his body that are best left unmentioned.
Bucky- Squeakky! (That's disgusting.)
Syvia- It's the damn truth!
Well, the Sarafan generals got out cudgels -those baseball bats with rusty nails stuck through the wood that give people diseases- (Syvia- They do?) and a couple of pillows. Then Syvia slapped them upside the heads and made them trade the feathers in the pillows for bricks. Then they proceeded to play Whack-A-Moebius until the wee hours of the morning while Kain, fallen Raziel and I discussed serious things.
Kain- No, you cannot put garlic butter with shrimp. It simply won't go.
SR Raziel- But I liked garlic shrimp. *Moebius is screaming in the background*
Kain- Hey, I remember feeding them to you when you were young. You had bad gas for a whole week.
Really? I didn't know that!
SR Raziel- *huffily* Shut up, Kain. Just shut up! You still have those fluffy pink slippers that Melchiah gave you.
Kain- Hey, I only wore them to keep from upsetting him. Melchiah was the most emotionally sensitive of the six of you.
Sarafan Melchiah- Did I hear my name? ...And what was that about slippers?
Syvia- Don't listen to them, honey. Here, hit Moebis in the sweet spot. *hands Melchiah a pickaxe, which he swings at Moebius' nose, breaking it* ...Not what I meant, but good all the same.
Anamae- *draws Syvia off to the side of the chamber* Syvia, I just noticed a problem.
Syvia- *worried look* What?
Anamae- Haven't we technically screwed up everything? Now that Janos isn't dead, that means the Sarafan generals won't die, Kain won't bring them back as vamps and SR Raziel over there won't exist.
So now you girls figure this out!
Syvia- *alarmed look* ...Oops....
==========================================
Anamae- So, have we screwed up the time continuum of Nosgoth by beating up Moebius and averting the Nemesis war?
Syvia- Ten reviews and you'll find out! ^_^
Anamae- I think we have made it worse. Worse than it was in Blood Omen 2...
Syvia- What makes you say that?
*Anamae points to Vorador and his brides in a Greyhound, pulling into a drive-thru wedding chapel*
Syvia- *wide eyes* I see...