A/N: This is, again, for the Graveyard shift groupies! There's always *
hope *, lol
"No. He's right. I have to leave."
I sigh and let my shoulders hang.
She's silent. Shocked, probably. Within minutes she'll be yelling at me, of that I'm sure.
I still remember our real last fight, about a year ago. It was about a case. She had told the victim's husband, Mr Barger, that his wife had been having an affair with someone he knew, Mr..Swelco. By telling the husband she had compromised the integrity of the case. I knew she felt somewhat personally involved because Eddie had cheated on her, but nevertheless...I was angry and disappointed in her.
A lot of things were said. True things.
"We're scientists. We're not psychiatrists or victim's rights advocates."
"You're right, I should be just like you. Alone in my hermetically sealed condo watching Discovery on the big screen. Working genius level crossword puzzles, but no relationships. No chance any will slop over into a case. Right. I want to be just like you."
"Technically, it's a townhouse. And the crosswords are advanced, but not genius, but you're right. I'm deficient in a lot of ways. But I never screw up one of my cases with personal stuff."
"Grissom ... what personal stuff?"
And then, the fight I know will follow my " I have to leave "-comment.
She's still looking for words though, which gives me the time to think over what I've just heard.
Ecklie stated what everyone at the Crime Lab must have been thinking ever since they found out....what's wrong with me. They've probably already lost all faith in me. And, I'm beginning to as well. They probably assume that I can't be a CSI anymore. I love my job. Some people call their job their lives. This is more than true for me. The only people I socialise with are connected to my job, my team, the officers at the crimescene, other forensic scientists and ..yes..even witnesses. I know what will happen when I no longer have my job, but I'm not going to wait until they fire me.
I glance at her. She looks tired and even a little pale.
"WHAT are you talking about, Gil? No-one's leaving!"
There it is. Her long-awaited reaction.
I sigh again, ready to turn around and walk out of the break room. I don't want to fight with her. But I knew......know Catherine. We've known each other for so long, shared so much together. Even if I don't feel like explaining, I owe it to her.
"Cath" I begin, my voice low and soft. Her head snaps up, her fiery blue eyes looking straight at me.
"I'm the last person on earth to ever admit that Ecklie's right, but.who am I fooling here? I need my hearing, Cath, and it won't be long until I've lost it. The last thing the team needs is a leader who can't hear"
"No, Gil. Just calm down. I'd never thought I'd say this to you but..you're not being rational" Her voice is shaky, probably out of anger. She puts a hand on my shoulder and guides me towards the break room table.
We sit down.
"We'll find a solution for this. We could hire someone to sign for you..or..or...I'll sign for you! You listen to me, Gil Grissom. I'm not letting you give up on yourself. You are still years away from retirement or resigning. You hear me?"
She's so strong. I wish I could posses even a fraction of her strength.
"You don't understand"
"You're right. I don't understand. I can't figure out for the life of me WHY you're just giving up on yourself because someone as low and slimy as Ecklie said something about hearing. He has always had it in for you, Gil. Now don't let him get you down."
She stops talking and gazes at the doorway. I, curious why she stopped so suddenly, look over my shoulder and see Greg passing the break room. He waves at us enthusiastically but when he recognises our grave expressions, lowers his hand stiffly and quickly takes off again.
Silence.
I'm uncomfortable.
"Gil. Think of what everyone would do if it wasn't for you. We wouldn't be anywhere without you and your words of wisdom. Your our mentor, Gil. And..You saved my life. If it weren't for you I'd still be..sniffing cocaine and stripping in some sleazy bar to make a living"
"A very GOOD living" I mumble and slowly look up to get a glance of her reaction. She's right. I'm getting depressed more and more but I shouldn't let someone like Ecklie get to me. And,I'm beginning to realise I shouldn't give up without a fight.
She shakes her head and I know, because I know her so well, she's suppressing one of her gorgeous smiles.
"You know what I mean" She eventually smiles. "We'll figure something out. You and I. Like we always do."
She takes both of my hands with hers and presses them.
I stare at my hands in hers and nod. I believe her.
What we have fascinates me. Minutes ago I had been ready to give up my job. My job. My passion. My life. And this women sitting here in front of me is saving me from myself and all of my dark and depressing thoughts.
The strongest woman I've ever known. The woman I have very strong feelings for.
"I'm sorry for that. You just got a peek of the more darker places of my mind" I apologise.
I'm still unsure of myself but no need to tell her this. Without my hearing I am deficient and maybe just in my eyes alone. It will be very difficult to keep on doing my job. But we'll work something out. Catherine and I. I am not going to give up.
"It's okay, it really is. Whenever you feel like you want to be......convinced of your own qualities or genius mind again, let me know"
I look at her. This amazing woman full of confidence, my dearest friend. I haven't been a good friend to her. I couldn't save her from Eddie, I couldn't give her the comfort that she needed. And still, she has remained my friend for the last ten years.
As they always do when I'm pondering the meaning of....anything, a quote springs to mind, from the famous writer Albert Camus. A very appropriate one, if I do say so myself.
Softly, I whisper, "Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."
"I am your friend. I'll always be your friend and more"
The last part of her statement makes my heart beat faster. I'm almost afraid she'll hear it.
There's still hope.
For me.
For us.
"No. He's right. I have to leave."
I sigh and let my shoulders hang.
She's silent. Shocked, probably. Within minutes she'll be yelling at me, of that I'm sure.
I still remember our real last fight, about a year ago. It was about a case. She had told the victim's husband, Mr Barger, that his wife had been having an affair with someone he knew, Mr..Swelco. By telling the husband she had compromised the integrity of the case. I knew she felt somewhat personally involved because Eddie had cheated on her, but nevertheless...I was angry and disappointed in her.
A lot of things were said. True things.
"We're scientists. We're not psychiatrists or victim's rights advocates."
"You're right, I should be just like you. Alone in my hermetically sealed condo watching Discovery on the big screen. Working genius level crossword puzzles, but no relationships. No chance any will slop over into a case. Right. I want to be just like you."
"Technically, it's a townhouse. And the crosswords are advanced, but not genius, but you're right. I'm deficient in a lot of ways. But I never screw up one of my cases with personal stuff."
"Grissom ... what personal stuff?"
And then, the fight I know will follow my " I have to leave "-comment.
She's still looking for words though, which gives me the time to think over what I've just heard.
Ecklie stated what everyone at the Crime Lab must have been thinking ever since they found out....what's wrong with me. They've probably already lost all faith in me. And, I'm beginning to as well. They probably assume that I can't be a CSI anymore. I love my job. Some people call their job their lives. This is more than true for me. The only people I socialise with are connected to my job, my team, the officers at the crimescene, other forensic scientists and ..yes..even witnesses. I know what will happen when I no longer have my job, but I'm not going to wait until they fire me.
I glance at her. She looks tired and even a little pale.
"WHAT are you talking about, Gil? No-one's leaving!"
There it is. Her long-awaited reaction.
I sigh again, ready to turn around and walk out of the break room. I don't want to fight with her. But I knew......know Catherine. We've known each other for so long, shared so much together. Even if I don't feel like explaining, I owe it to her.
"Cath" I begin, my voice low and soft. Her head snaps up, her fiery blue eyes looking straight at me.
"I'm the last person on earth to ever admit that Ecklie's right, but.who am I fooling here? I need my hearing, Cath, and it won't be long until I've lost it. The last thing the team needs is a leader who can't hear"
"No, Gil. Just calm down. I'd never thought I'd say this to you but..you're not being rational" Her voice is shaky, probably out of anger. She puts a hand on my shoulder and guides me towards the break room table.
We sit down.
"We'll find a solution for this. We could hire someone to sign for you..or..or...I'll sign for you! You listen to me, Gil Grissom. I'm not letting you give up on yourself. You are still years away from retirement or resigning. You hear me?"
She's so strong. I wish I could posses even a fraction of her strength.
"You don't understand"
"You're right. I don't understand. I can't figure out for the life of me WHY you're just giving up on yourself because someone as low and slimy as Ecklie said something about hearing. He has always had it in for you, Gil. Now don't let him get you down."
She stops talking and gazes at the doorway. I, curious why she stopped so suddenly, look over my shoulder and see Greg passing the break room. He waves at us enthusiastically but when he recognises our grave expressions, lowers his hand stiffly and quickly takes off again.
Silence.
I'm uncomfortable.
"Gil. Think of what everyone would do if it wasn't for you. We wouldn't be anywhere without you and your words of wisdom. Your our mentor, Gil. And..You saved my life. If it weren't for you I'd still be..sniffing cocaine and stripping in some sleazy bar to make a living"
"A very GOOD living" I mumble and slowly look up to get a glance of her reaction. She's right. I'm getting depressed more and more but I shouldn't let someone like Ecklie get to me. And,I'm beginning to realise I shouldn't give up without a fight.
She shakes her head and I know, because I know her so well, she's suppressing one of her gorgeous smiles.
"You know what I mean" She eventually smiles. "We'll figure something out. You and I. Like we always do."
She takes both of my hands with hers and presses them.
I stare at my hands in hers and nod. I believe her.
What we have fascinates me. Minutes ago I had been ready to give up my job. My job. My passion. My life. And this women sitting here in front of me is saving me from myself and all of my dark and depressing thoughts.
The strongest woman I've ever known. The woman I have very strong feelings for.
"I'm sorry for that. You just got a peek of the more darker places of my mind" I apologise.
I'm still unsure of myself but no need to tell her this. Without my hearing I am deficient and maybe just in my eyes alone. It will be very difficult to keep on doing my job. But we'll work something out. Catherine and I. I am not going to give up.
"It's okay, it really is. Whenever you feel like you want to be......convinced of your own qualities or genius mind again, let me know"
I look at her. This amazing woman full of confidence, my dearest friend. I haven't been a good friend to her. I couldn't save her from Eddie, I couldn't give her the comfort that she needed. And still, she has remained my friend for the last ten years.
As they always do when I'm pondering the meaning of....anything, a quote springs to mind, from the famous writer Albert Camus. A very appropriate one, if I do say so myself.
Softly, I whisper, "Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."
"I am your friend. I'll always be your friend and more"
The last part of her statement makes my heart beat faster. I'm almost afraid she'll hear it.
There's still hope.
For me.
For us.