Shenna sadly shook his head; he was beginning to notice a pattern in the way Berret spoke about himself in the future tense.
"That is another thing you have no choice about. A Shrike is not of any one race or culture. In reality you don't practice or learn to become a Shrike, you are simply born to be a Shrike."
Reminded of his lost life and what might have been, Berret suddenly become angry. He found himself panicking in despair at the thought of being trapped forever in the role of an assassin.
"Now you're not making sense, old man. I wasn't born or meant to be here in the Territories, let alone one of your mystic Shrike warriors. I was taken from my home and my life by force and then turned into this creature you see before you. The only thing I want from this existence is to kill Arckatius before it ends. I don't want to learn politics, discipline, honor... or poetry!"
Without realizing it, his voice had grown in volume and he was drawing attention from around the room.
Berret didn't understand this emotion that raged unexpectedly within him but for some unknown reason he let it have full rein, no longer able to hold it in check.
Rising to his feet he leaned over the table closer toward the old Delvian Grandmaster.
"There is no 'happy ending' for us!" he spat at Shenna, "There is only blood and death. I have lived with them for so long I know nothing else."
Chiana sat taken aback at the uncharacteristic venom in her friend's voice that was directed at the kindly old man. "Berret, take it easy..." she began.
Berret glanced her way, but it was as if he really no longer saw her.
"There is no love... or a chance to be loved for me," he snapped accusingly in her direction.
Without thinking, he had revealed Shenna's earlier assertion to Chiana. Her open mouth expression paused his rage cold for a moment as he realized what he'd done. He saw understanding flare in her eyes for a microt and Berret felt himself burn with shame, his secret and disability laid bare. It was not the Nebari girl's fault that he was unable to share simple common emotions, not that he deserved to be happy or cared for after all the lives he snuffed out. He wanted to scream in the old Shrike's calm face that with all the blood on his hands that he had no right to ask another being to share their life with him. How can Chiana not look at him and find the thought of accepting his affections after all he had done as vile as he did. Despite all her assurances that what happen to him was not his fault and she didn't think badly of him, he knew that if she'd seen the things he'd done... she couldn't help but to turn away in disgust. If he couldn't bare himself, how could she?
Nothing she had experience or lived through in her hard life would prepare her for the atrocities he was force to perform. Now Shenna was selling dreams that they had a chance of a happy life together. The Pixie deserved a happy life... just not with him. It might be a good thing his emotions were frelled up; otherwise he might have ended his life himself long ago.
" ...'Ret, we need to talk," said Chiana as she become aware of what Berret's slip-up had meant and had an odd feeling why the comment had been directed at her instead of the older man.
"It's a fantasy," muttered the younger Shrike to no one in particular. He looked back at Shenna and said. "I have enough nightmares and I don't need anymore of your shoved dren. I'm not interested in becoming one of your students. I just want this to end. After Arckatius is dead, I'll gladly let Val'Cirrus take my head if that is what she wants... but not before."
Shenna remained silent as Berret spoke. Chiana got up from her chair and tried to calm the man down.
"Berret, please... we can talk about this," she said grabbing his arm. "You don't mean all that."
"Don't I?" said the man, the wild look in his eye letting her know he was indeed serious.
He yanked his arm free of her grasp saying, "Leave me alone, Chiana. There is nothing here for me. You can listen to his fairy tales if you wish. I have had enough."
A large humanoid wandered over to their table, drawn by the commotion. The man was obviously security for the Inn. He stopped just behind Berret and stared down at the smaller man in disapproval.
"Is there something wrong here?" he rumbled to the trio.
Berret rounded on the man. "Yes, You're standing too close to me," he growled.
Before the man could reply, the Shrike reached up and grabbed him by the front of his shirt. He spun and threw the being into the wall behind them. The man hit the wall hard and slid to the floor stunned.
Berret turned with a swirl of black cloak and stalked toward the Inn's exit. Other patrons scurried out of his path after seeing the bouncer's fate. An overturned chair felt the blunt of the Shrike's anger as an armored boot splintered it to pieces as Berret kicked it out of his way.
Chiana blinked in confusion. Never before had she seen Berret so outright angry. She had seen him moody countless times since they had meet, but this was something all together new for the man. Shenna had moved to help the security man to his feet and apologized to the Innkeeper for the incident. He slipped a number of coins into the proprietor's hand to cover the damages and a little something extra to smooth things over with the bouncer. When he was finished, Chiana moved in front of him to block his way in case he tried to leave without answering her questions. The old Delvian began slipping into his outer traveling robes as Chiana cocked her head to one side and asked,
"What the frell was that all about? What did you tell him?"
"I told him the truth, child. Nothing more," replied Shenna.
"No, I don't buy that," said the Nebari stubbornly. "There's something more than that. I've never seen him react that way. What did you say exactly? What did he mean about 'no happy endings and not being able to be loved?"
The Delvian pursed his lips together and thought a microt before answering her.
"Your friend doesn't believe he deserves to be happy. In fact, he very much hates himself right now. He's shouldering all the blame for what the Syndicate did to him and all they made him do in their name. Berret feels he could have done something to stop it and won't accept the fact that there was nothing he could have done."
"So he sees it as his failure and wants to punish himself?" concluded Chiana.
"Yes, in a way," said Shenna as he picked up his staff and steered the Nebari girl to the door.
"Then what does failing to stop the Syndicate's mind-frelling have to do with someone loving him?" she asked as they stood on the Inn's front steps.
"Again, he doesn't feel he deserves it. He doesn't think he's worthy of the one who loves him, or that she would accept what he views as his corrupted affections. That is the reason he wants Arckatius' life so badly. In a way he believes that by killing Arckatius he will be killing what he sees as the evil in himself. Then he will feel he has gone some ways into atoning or wiping the slate clean."
"So he really doesn't want Val'Cirrus to kill him in the end then?" asked Chiana.
"I'm afraid he does," admitted the old Shrike. "To him, it is still too late to totally redeem himself, to undo all he has done even with killing the Scarren. His only answer is to someday die for his sins."
"What can we do to change his mind?" asked Chiana.
" 'We' can't. Only the one who loves him and who he loves has that power," replied Shenna.
Chiana searched the crowd looking for a sign as to where Berret went as the old man spoke.
Her head snapped back in his direction as his last statement sank in and confirmed the line of thought she had been considering since her friend's outburst at the table.
"Berret is in love? Who is it, is it Zhaan? Does he love Zhaan?" she asked.
Shenna shook his head. "I'm quite sure Berret is very fond of Pa'u Zhaan, but I'm reasonably sure it's not her."
Chiana bit her lip as she thought, "Aeryn then? He and Aeryn have more in common being they are both sort of warriors and they spent a lot of time together working on his ship... but that'll never work because Aeryn's in love with Crichton."
"No, it is not Officer Sun," said the Delvian.
"We're running out of females and I'm reasonably sure Berret's not into males. The new girl... Malika.
Is it her?" she continued and then changed her mind, "Nah, can't be her. She can't even stand to be in the same room with him."
"You know who it is," replied Shenna.
Chiana stopped the old man in the middle of the street and gazed up at the stooped figure opened mouthed.
"You can't be serious... me? Berret is in love with me?" Chiana said.
"Stranger things have been known to happen, little Nebari," replied Shenna with an amused smile. "Now, lets us get out of the street before a transport runs us down shall we?"
Chiana jumped down from the stone block she'd climbed up on to get a look over the crowds on the street.
"I can't see him anywhere," she said as she brushed the dirt off her gloved hands.
"It maybe better if we let him have some time alone," answered the old Delvian.
"What happens if Val'Cirrus finds him before we do?"
"I doubt Val'Cirrus is still in the area after our run in. She'll withdraw and regroup to come at Berret in a different way now that she knows I'm here and involved," said Shenna.
Chiana sat down beside the man on the public bench. "I don't like that we're not together. We need to get off of this rock as soon as possible," the Nebari woman said.
The Delvian made no comment to her last statement. Her face screwed up as she wandered heavily into thought over the new situation.
"What are we gonna do?" she asked a few microns later.
"I was thinking we should sit here and see if your friend wanders by."
"No, I mean about Berret... you know, being in love with me?" she specified.
"What do you want to do about it?" asked the old man in turn.
Chiana sighed heavily and rolled her eyes, "Do you always answer a question with a frelling question?"
"No, not always. And you should really learn to control your cursing. It's unattractive and very un-lady-like," said the Shrike Grandmaster.
"What are you? My Grandfather?" asked Chiana slightly annoyed.
"No. Just an old man who's sitting on a public bench in the company of a beautiful young lady and enjoying this lovely afternoon," replied Shenna in a leisurely manner. "You see, my dear... if you have something important to say you need only say it with confidence and dignity to get people to listen."
Strangely, Chiana found herself thinking about what the old man was saying and it was making sense to her. She suddenly noticed how the old man took his time whenever he spoke, as if others would gladly wait for him to finish speaking his thoughts in his own good time. She shook her head a microt later.
"I never though of it that way. You're right and I'm sorry. Now getting back to Berret, what do I do about him?"
Shenna was about to speak when Chiana cut him off.
"I know, I know... 'What do I want to do about him,' " she quoted. "The truth is I don't know what I want to do about him."
"Well, actually I was going to ask... how do you feel about him?" said the old man.
"I-I dunno," she answered. "We're friends, partners in crime... though he's honest to the point of being boring most of the time. "
"I see," was all the Delvian said to her.
"I'm not sure if I want things to be like that between us. He treats me as an equal, not like a child like the rest do. Its important for me to have somebody who takes me seriously, ya know?" she said.
"Indeed I do, child... er, Chiana," answered Shenna.
"That's okay, old man," she said to him with a small smile because she was finding him easy to talk too.
"I don't wanna lose what we have. If me and Berret get 'close' like that, everything will change."
"That it will," agreed Shenna solemnly.
Chiana looked down at the ground between them. "My other relationships like that... they never turned out so good," she confessed. "I always get close to someone and just when I began to feel safe with them, they don't want me around anymore... or I get scared and purposely do something so they don't want me around afterwards."
She fidgeted on her side of the seat and began to play with a piece of litter on the ground with the toe of one boot. A wrinkled blue hand reached over and gently tilted her chin up so she was looking at the old Delvian again.
"Child... Little Pixie..." he said and she wondered how he knew Berret's pet name for her. "If ever I saw two people in need of each other, it is the two of you. Have faith, little one. The Goddess has entwined your paths for a reason."
Chiana let out a small quiet chuckle, "Now you're starting to sound like Zhaan."
"Thank you, then I am in good company and I'll take that as a compliment, " he said with a gentle smile. "He's a good man, Chiana, but he needs you to show him that he is. " Shenna tilted his head as he regarded the young woman. "...and you do love him," he added.
Hands folded in her lap; the Nebari girl nodded her head. "I know," she whispered
Shenna again placed a hand over the girl's smaller ones. "When the time comes, you might have to take that chance for the both of you and show him the way to his heart," he told her.
"When will that be?" she asked.
Shenna smiled and patted her hands before replacing his hand on his staff to help him rise to his feet.
"In the Goddess own good time, dear. You will know when," he assured her as he stood up " When the time is right, she'll let you know when. Now, shall we see if we can find our wayward friend?"
"That is another thing you have no choice about. A Shrike is not of any one race or culture. In reality you don't practice or learn to become a Shrike, you are simply born to be a Shrike."
Reminded of his lost life and what might have been, Berret suddenly become angry. He found himself panicking in despair at the thought of being trapped forever in the role of an assassin.
"Now you're not making sense, old man. I wasn't born or meant to be here in the Territories, let alone one of your mystic Shrike warriors. I was taken from my home and my life by force and then turned into this creature you see before you. The only thing I want from this existence is to kill Arckatius before it ends. I don't want to learn politics, discipline, honor... or poetry!"
Without realizing it, his voice had grown in volume and he was drawing attention from around the room.
Berret didn't understand this emotion that raged unexpectedly within him but for some unknown reason he let it have full rein, no longer able to hold it in check.
Rising to his feet he leaned over the table closer toward the old Delvian Grandmaster.
"There is no 'happy ending' for us!" he spat at Shenna, "There is only blood and death. I have lived with them for so long I know nothing else."
Chiana sat taken aback at the uncharacteristic venom in her friend's voice that was directed at the kindly old man. "Berret, take it easy..." she began.
Berret glanced her way, but it was as if he really no longer saw her.
"There is no love... or a chance to be loved for me," he snapped accusingly in her direction.
Without thinking, he had revealed Shenna's earlier assertion to Chiana. Her open mouth expression paused his rage cold for a moment as he realized what he'd done. He saw understanding flare in her eyes for a microt and Berret felt himself burn with shame, his secret and disability laid bare. It was not the Nebari girl's fault that he was unable to share simple common emotions, not that he deserved to be happy or cared for after all the lives he snuffed out. He wanted to scream in the old Shrike's calm face that with all the blood on his hands that he had no right to ask another being to share their life with him. How can Chiana not look at him and find the thought of accepting his affections after all he had done as vile as he did. Despite all her assurances that what happen to him was not his fault and she didn't think badly of him, he knew that if she'd seen the things he'd done... she couldn't help but to turn away in disgust. If he couldn't bare himself, how could she?
Nothing she had experience or lived through in her hard life would prepare her for the atrocities he was force to perform. Now Shenna was selling dreams that they had a chance of a happy life together. The Pixie deserved a happy life... just not with him. It might be a good thing his emotions were frelled up; otherwise he might have ended his life himself long ago.
" ...'Ret, we need to talk," said Chiana as she become aware of what Berret's slip-up had meant and had an odd feeling why the comment had been directed at her instead of the older man.
"It's a fantasy," muttered the younger Shrike to no one in particular. He looked back at Shenna and said. "I have enough nightmares and I don't need anymore of your shoved dren. I'm not interested in becoming one of your students. I just want this to end. After Arckatius is dead, I'll gladly let Val'Cirrus take my head if that is what she wants... but not before."
Shenna remained silent as Berret spoke. Chiana got up from her chair and tried to calm the man down.
"Berret, please... we can talk about this," she said grabbing his arm. "You don't mean all that."
"Don't I?" said the man, the wild look in his eye letting her know he was indeed serious.
He yanked his arm free of her grasp saying, "Leave me alone, Chiana. There is nothing here for me. You can listen to his fairy tales if you wish. I have had enough."
A large humanoid wandered over to their table, drawn by the commotion. The man was obviously security for the Inn. He stopped just behind Berret and stared down at the smaller man in disapproval.
"Is there something wrong here?" he rumbled to the trio.
Berret rounded on the man. "Yes, You're standing too close to me," he growled.
Before the man could reply, the Shrike reached up and grabbed him by the front of his shirt. He spun and threw the being into the wall behind them. The man hit the wall hard and slid to the floor stunned.
Berret turned with a swirl of black cloak and stalked toward the Inn's exit. Other patrons scurried out of his path after seeing the bouncer's fate. An overturned chair felt the blunt of the Shrike's anger as an armored boot splintered it to pieces as Berret kicked it out of his way.
Chiana blinked in confusion. Never before had she seen Berret so outright angry. She had seen him moody countless times since they had meet, but this was something all together new for the man. Shenna had moved to help the security man to his feet and apologized to the Innkeeper for the incident. He slipped a number of coins into the proprietor's hand to cover the damages and a little something extra to smooth things over with the bouncer. When he was finished, Chiana moved in front of him to block his way in case he tried to leave without answering her questions. The old Delvian began slipping into his outer traveling robes as Chiana cocked her head to one side and asked,
"What the frell was that all about? What did you tell him?"
"I told him the truth, child. Nothing more," replied Shenna.
"No, I don't buy that," said the Nebari stubbornly. "There's something more than that. I've never seen him react that way. What did you say exactly? What did he mean about 'no happy endings and not being able to be loved?"
The Delvian pursed his lips together and thought a microt before answering her.
"Your friend doesn't believe he deserves to be happy. In fact, he very much hates himself right now. He's shouldering all the blame for what the Syndicate did to him and all they made him do in their name. Berret feels he could have done something to stop it and won't accept the fact that there was nothing he could have done."
"So he sees it as his failure and wants to punish himself?" concluded Chiana.
"Yes, in a way," said Shenna as he picked up his staff and steered the Nebari girl to the door.
"Then what does failing to stop the Syndicate's mind-frelling have to do with someone loving him?" she asked as they stood on the Inn's front steps.
"Again, he doesn't feel he deserves it. He doesn't think he's worthy of the one who loves him, or that she would accept what he views as his corrupted affections. That is the reason he wants Arckatius' life so badly. In a way he believes that by killing Arckatius he will be killing what he sees as the evil in himself. Then he will feel he has gone some ways into atoning or wiping the slate clean."
"So he really doesn't want Val'Cirrus to kill him in the end then?" asked Chiana.
"I'm afraid he does," admitted the old Shrike. "To him, it is still too late to totally redeem himself, to undo all he has done even with killing the Scarren. His only answer is to someday die for his sins."
"What can we do to change his mind?" asked Chiana.
" 'We' can't. Only the one who loves him and who he loves has that power," replied Shenna.
Chiana searched the crowd looking for a sign as to where Berret went as the old man spoke.
Her head snapped back in his direction as his last statement sank in and confirmed the line of thought she had been considering since her friend's outburst at the table.
"Berret is in love? Who is it, is it Zhaan? Does he love Zhaan?" she asked.
Shenna shook his head. "I'm quite sure Berret is very fond of Pa'u Zhaan, but I'm reasonably sure it's not her."
Chiana bit her lip as she thought, "Aeryn then? He and Aeryn have more in common being they are both sort of warriors and they spent a lot of time together working on his ship... but that'll never work because Aeryn's in love with Crichton."
"No, it is not Officer Sun," said the Delvian.
"We're running out of females and I'm reasonably sure Berret's not into males. The new girl... Malika.
Is it her?" she continued and then changed her mind, "Nah, can't be her. She can't even stand to be in the same room with him."
"You know who it is," replied Shenna.
Chiana stopped the old man in the middle of the street and gazed up at the stooped figure opened mouthed.
"You can't be serious... me? Berret is in love with me?" Chiana said.
"Stranger things have been known to happen, little Nebari," replied Shenna with an amused smile. "Now, lets us get out of the street before a transport runs us down shall we?"
Chiana jumped down from the stone block she'd climbed up on to get a look over the crowds on the street.
"I can't see him anywhere," she said as she brushed the dirt off her gloved hands.
"It maybe better if we let him have some time alone," answered the old Delvian.
"What happens if Val'Cirrus finds him before we do?"
"I doubt Val'Cirrus is still in the area after our run in. She'll withdraw and regroup to come at Berret in a different way now that she knows I'm here and involved," said Shenna.
Chiana sat down beside the man on the public bench. "I don't like that we're not together. We need to get off of this rock as soon as possible," the Nebari woman said.
The Delvian made no comment to her last statement. Her face screwed up as she wandered heavily into thought over the new situation.
"What are we gonna do?" she asked a few microns later.
"I was thinking we should sit here and see if your friend wanders by."
"No, I mean about Berret... you know, being in love with me?" she specified.
"What do you want to do about it?" asked the old man in turn.
Chiana sighed heavily and rolled her eyes, "Do you always answer a question with a frelling question?"
"No, not always. And you should really learn to control your cursing. It's unattractive and very un-lady-like," said the Shrike Grandmaster.
"What are you? My Grandfather?" asked Chiana slightly annoyed.
"No. Just an old man who's sitting on a public bench in the company of a beautiful young lady and enjoying this lovely afternoon," replied Shenna in a leisurely manner. "You see, my dear... if you have something important to say you need only say it with confidence and dignity to get people to listen."
Strangely, Chiana found herself thinking about what the old man was saying and it was making sense to her. She suddenly noticed how the old man took his time whenever he spoke, as if others would gladly wait for him to finish speaking his thoughts in his own good time. She shook her head a microt later.
"I never though of it that way. You're right and I'm sorry. Now getting back to Berret, what do I do about him?"
Shenna was about to speak when Chiana cut him off.
"I know, I know... 'What do I want to do about him,' " she quoted. "The truth is I don't know what I want to do about him."
"Well, actually I was going to ask... how do you feel about him?" said the old man.
"I-I dunno," she answered. "We're friends, partners in crime... though he's honest to the point of being boring most of the time. "
"I see," was all the Delvian said to her.
"I'm not sure if I want things to be like that between us. He treats me as an equal, not like a child like the rest do. Its important for me to have somebody who takes me seriously, ya know?" she said.
"Indeed I do, child... er, Chiana," answered Shenna.
"That's okay, old man," she said to him with a small smile because she was finding him easy to talk too.
"I don't wanna lose what we have. If me and Berret get 'close' like that, everything will change."
"That it will," agreed Shenna solemnly.
Chiana looked down at the ground between them. "My other relationships like that... they never turned out so good," she confessed. "I always get close to someone and just when I began to feel safe with them, they don't want me around anymore... or I get scared and purposely do something so they don't want me around afterwards."
She fidgeted on her side of the seat and began to play with a piece of litter on the ground with the toe of one boot. A wrinkled blue hand reached over and gently tilted her chin up so she was looking at the old Delvian again.
"Child... Little Pixie..." he said and she wondered how he knew Berret's pet name for her. "If ever I saw two people in need of each other, it is the two of you. Have faith, little one. The Goddess has entwined your paths for a reason."
Chiana let out a small quiet chuckle, "Now you're starting to sound like Zhaan."
"Thank you, then I am in good company and I'll take that as a compliment, " he said with a gentle smile. "He's a good man, Chiana, but he needs you to show him that he is. " Shenna tilted his head as he regarded the young woman. "...and you do love him," he added.
Hands folded in her lap; the Nebari girl nodded her head. "I know," she whispered
Shenna again placed a hand over the girl's smaller ones. "When the time comes, you might have to take that chance for the both of you and show him the way to his heart," he told her.
"When will that be?" she asked.
Shenna smiled and patted her hands before replacing his hand on his staff to help him rise to his feet.
"In the Goddess own good time, dear. You will know when," he assured her as he stood up " When the time is right, she'll let you know when. Now, shall we see if we can find our wayward friend?"