Chapter 1 - Ambition
"You, Draco Malfoy, have been charged with Murder and participating in the Terror spread by the Dark Lord."
/Why is this happening?/
"What do you plead?"
/I'm innocent, but I'm guilty... Oh so guilty.../
"Not guilty, your Honor." My voice cracked as I said it.
/I'm only nineteen, how did this happen?/
"Not guilty!! You lying bastard!!" Mrs. Weasley's voice, harsh and broken by the tears streaming down her face.
/I'm innocent, it wasn't supposed to go this far.../
"Order! I will have order in my court!!"
/Oh, God, why didn't you take me instead?/
"Bring in the first witness." I looked to the door.
/You'll never forgive me, and I don't blame you./
"Ronald Weasley, you have been brought before this court to testify to the charges. Will you speak?" He looked sick, I thought, and tired.
/I'm sorry... I'm sorry sorry.../
"Yes." He wasn't mad, just - - tired. I would have preferred him being mad.
/I didn't mean to, I didn't.../
"When did you first learn that Mr. Malfoy had become a Death Eater?"
/You all have forsaken me, and I understand./
*
"What are you doing, Malfoy?!?" Harry cried, running at me. I refused to flinch.
"Nothing. Mind your own business, Potter." It had, after all, nothing to do with him.
"Put. It. Down." It was something important, I remember. A weight in my hands. But I can't remember what it was.
"No. I don't think I will. If Ginny wants it back, she can come get it." I must have been just a little older than seventeen, at this point.
"Give it back, NOW!" He was worried, I could tell. Know your enemy better than you know yourself. My father always told me that. So I knew Harry better than anyone else.
"No."
He leapt at that point. Launched himself at my hands. He caught me by surprise. He must have been upset, normally it takes forever to make him finally pounce.
There was something in his eyes, a light, and I was stunned - - unable to do anything. He grabbed whatever I was holding, but in doing so pushed my sleeves right up my arms. He stopped, staring at the fading black skull burned upon my skin. It was horror in his eyes. Horror.
It shouldn't have been there. It had only been put there a day before, they said it would fade...
The horror had turned to rage. And - and - betrayal? But how had I betrayed him? Isn't this what he wanted? For me to be worthy of his hate? He should have been gratefull.
"Malfoy..." There was danger in his voice, a warning: 'Don't tell me the truth, don't tell me the truth...'
"What?" I snapped. I should have had something scathing to say, but...
"Is that what I think it is?"
"What, my beauty spot?" I drawled. I sounded stupid and worried even to my own ears.
"I should turn you in." It was a threat, a growl, and it was that minute that I knew he wouldn't.
"Yes, let's all run to Dumbledore - oh wait - you can't! He's dead!"
His fist connected with my jaw with a might crack.
I had expected it, of course, but the pain still vibrated through my head.
"Yes, Harry, give into your anger." I said, quoting the only muggle movie I had ever seen. He, apparently, had seen it too.
"You bastard." It was cold, hard, accusing. But how could he judge me? I had to. I needed to. For me, and no one else. I was the one that mattered.
I merely glared back.
"Now you have a reason to hate me," I cooed, "Isn't that what you wanted?"
"I don't want to hate ANYone!" Harry screamed at me. He grabbed whatever we had been fighting over and stormed off.
*
/I did betray you, I just didn't notice.../
"Thank you, Mr. Weasley. You may sit down." Harry had told him the story. I'm not suprised.
/He always loved you more than me./
"Call the next witness!" Ginny, this time, eyes flooded with tears and head in her hands.
/I caused this. I brought this pain.../
"Virginia Weasley, you have been brought into this court for questioning in the case of the death of -" She burst into tears again, howling, and cutting off his sentence.
/I don't deserve a trial. Just kill me. It would be better than this./
"Ms. Weasley, the court - - " He was cut off by another howl, making me shiver. It was a dreadful sound.
/You hate me, I know you do./
"Please, Ms. Weasley, just tell the court what you know of the years prior to the incident."
/I don't want to hear, I don't want to remember.../
*
"Malfoy, you will stay after class." Snape said in that don't-you-dare-question-me-tone. I didn't bother.
The class slowly filtered it's way out, leaving only me and the Potions Master in the dungeon class room. I grinned.
"Yes?"
"Give me your arm." He said harshly. I frowned.
"Why?"
"I know what you did. Give it to me, and be glad that I'm keeping my mouth shut." Snape snapped. I shrugged, and stepped forward, rolling up my sleeve. They had promised the mark would fade, but it had been half a year, and I could still see it. Snape frowned deeply.
"Why?"
"Why what?" I asked back.
"Why did you join the Death Eaters?" His voice was no longer harsh, just low, and questioning. Suspicious.
"Why shouldn't I?" I asked, drawing my arm back quickly. He was one too, I knew, but...
"You're too young. You're only seventeen."
"He let me. He said I had special circumstances..."
Snape sneered. "He just wanted to secure you."
"So what!" I snapped back, "Obviously I must be worthy enough to be secured!"
"I will not argue with you about that." Snape said coldly, "But I do want to know why you joined."
"You have no right to question you!"
"I have every right to question you. I have his right to question you."
I faultered.
"The... the Dark Lord asked you to question me?"
Snape said nothing, just stared at me with those cold black eyes.
"I - I want the power. He promised me..." I heard myself stuttering, "He promised me that I could be greater than Harry Potter, greater than even my father, even than him..."
"He lied to you." Snape said bitterly. I frowned.
"No he didn't. He cares what happens to me. It's not like anyone else does!"
"Shut your mouth!"
"No! I doubt you're even on his side. I bet - - I bet - - I bet you're a SPY."
Later, looking back, I can remember his face paling. Then, I only noticed the rage in his voice.
"How dare you question my loyalty. How dare you."
We both paused, for there was a gasp from the doorway, and a quick pattering of feet. I didn't even seem the culprit before it got away, but I knew - - Ginny.
*
/I don't deserve to be alive. He should be alive. Not me. Never me./
Ginny was completely in tears, now. I hadn't even heard her words. I knew what she had said, anyway. Like a book I was reading, but not one I was in.
/No one loved me... What could I have done...?/
***
"You, Draco Malfoy, have been charged with Murder and participating in the Terror spread by the Dark Lord."
/Why is this happening?/
"What do you plead?"
/I'm innocent, but I'm guilty... Oh so guilty.../
"Not guilty, your Honor." My voice cracked as I said it.
/I'm only nineteen, how did this happen?/
"Not guilty!! You lying bastard!!" Mrs. Weasley's voice, harsh and broken by the tears streaming down her face.
/I'm innocent, it wasn't supposed to go this far.../
"Order! I will have order in my court!!"
/Oh, God, why didn't you take me instead?/
"Bring in the first witness." I looked to the door.
/You'll never forgive me, and I don't blame you./
"Ronald Weasley, you have been brought before this court to testify to the charges. Will you speak?" He looked sick, I thought, and tired.
/I'm sorry... I'm sorry sorry.../
"Yes." He wasn't mad, just - - tired. I would have preferred him being mad.
/I didn't mean to, I didn't.../
"When did you first learn that Mr. Malfoy had become a Death Eater?"
/You all have forsaken me, and I understand./
*
"What are you doing, Malfoy?!?" Harry cried, running at me. I refused to flinch.
"Nothing. Mind your own business, Potter." It had, after all, nothing to do with him.
"Put. It. Down." It was something important, I remember. A weight in my hands. But I can't remember what it was.
"No. I don't think I will. If Ginny wants it back, she can come get it." I must have been just a little older than seventeen, at this point.
"Give it back, NOW!" He was worried, I could tell. Know your enemy better than you know yourself. My father always told me that. So I knew Harry better than anyone else.
"No."
He leapt at that point. Launched himself at my hands. He caught me by surprise. He must have been upset, normally it takes forever to make him finally pounce.
There was something in his eyes, a light, and I was stunned - - unable to do anything. He grabbed whatever I was holding, but in doing so pushed my sleeves right up my arms. He stopped, staring at the fading black skull burned upon my skin. It was horror in his eyes. Horror.
It shouldn't have been there. It had only been put there a day before, they said it would fade...
The horror had turned to rage. And - and - betrayal? But how had I betrayed him? Isn't this what he wanted? For me to be worthy of his hate? He should have been gratefull.
"Malfoy..." There was danger in his voice, a warning: 'Don't tell me the truth, don't tell me the truth...'
"What?" I snapped. I should have had something scathing to say, but...
"Is that what I think it is?"
"What, my beauty spot?" I drawled. I sounded stupid and worried even to my own ears.
"I should turn you in." It was a threat, a growl, and it was that minute that I knew he wouldn't.
"Yes, let's all run to Dumbledore - oh wait - you can't! He's dead!"
His fist connected with my jaw with a might crack.
I had expected it, of course, but the pain still vibrated through my head.
"Yes, Harry, give into your anger." I said, quoting the only muggle movie I had ever seen. He, apparently, had seen it too.
"You bastard." It was cold, hard, accusing. But how could he judge me? I had to. I needed to. For me, and no one else. I was the one that mattered.
I merely glared back.
"Now you have a reason to hate me," I cooed, "Isn't that what you wanted?"
"I don't want to hate ANYone!" Harry screamed at me. He grabbed whatever we had been fighting over and stormed off.
*
/I did betray you, I just didn't notice.../
"Thank you, Mr. Weasley. You may sit down." Harry had told him the story. I'm not suprised.
/He always loved you more than me./
"Call the next witness!" Ginny, this time, eyes flooded with tears and head in her hands.
/I caused this. I brought this pain.../
"Virginia Weasley, you have been brought into this court for questioning in the case of the death of -" She burst into tears again, howling, and cutting off his sentence.
/I don't deserve a trial. Just kill me. It would be better than this./
"Ms. Weasley, the court - - " He was cut off by another howl, making me shiver. It was a dreadful sound.
/You hate me, I know you do./
"Please, Ms. Weasley, just tell the court what you know of the years prior to the incident."
/I don't want to hear, I don't want to remember.../
*
"Malfoy, you will stay after class." Snape said in that don't-you-dare-question-me-tone. I didn't bother.
The class slowly filtered it's way out, leaving only me and the Potions Master in the dungeon class room. I grinned.
"Yes?"
"Give me your arm." He said harshly. I frowned.
"Why?"
"I know what you did. Give it to me, and be glad that I'm keeping my mouth shut." Snape snapped. I shrugged, and stepped forward, rolling up my sleeve. They had promised the mark would fade, but it had been half a year, and I could still see it. Snape frowned deeply.
"Why?"
"Why what?" I asked back.
"Why did you join the Death Eaters?" His voice was no longer harsh, just low, and questioning. Suspicious.
"Why shouldn't I?" I asked, drawing my arm back quickly. He was one too, I knew, but...
"You're too young. You're only seventeen."
"He let me. He said I had special circumstances..."
Snape sneered. "He just wanted to secure you."
"So what!" I snapped back, "Obviously I must be worthy enough to be secured!"
"I will not argue with you about that." Snape said coldly, "But I do want to know why you joined."
"You have no right to question you!"
"I have every right to question you. I have his right to question you."
I faultered.
"The... the Dark Lord asked you to question me?"
Snape said nothing, just stared at me with those cold black eyes.
"I - I want the power. He promised me..." I heard myself stuttering, "He promised me that I could be greater than Harry Potter, greater than even my father, even than him..."
"He lied to you." Snape said bitterly. I frowned.
"No he didn't. He cares what happens to me. It's not like anyone else does!"
"Shut your mouth!"
"No! I doubt you're even on his side. I bet - - I bet - - I bet you're a SPY."
Later, looking back, I can remember his face paling. Then, I only noticed the rage in his voice.
"How dare you question my loyalty. How dare you."
We both paused, for there was a gasp from the doorway, and a quick pattering of feet. I didn't even seem the culprit before it got away, but I knew - - Ginny.
*
/I don't deserve to be alive. He should be alive. Not me. Never me./
Ginny was completely in tears, now. I hadn't even heard her words. I knew what she had said, anyway. Like a book I was reading, but not one I was in.
/No one loved me... What could I have done...?/
***