2. Living Memories





The quiet music draws me away from myself. All I have to do is close my eyes, and I'm back at Sunnydale High, ten years ago. I was the slayer, in love with a vampire. He was everything, I know now that I was blinded by love. But it was a good loss of sight, except of course, when it led to death from my incompetence.



You light me up and then I fall for you



Was it my fault or his? We loved each other; I think the answer lies in that. I suppose we should have known better but we weren't to know what was to happen. How could we have known? All we knew was that we wanted each other, probably too much.



You lay me down and then I call for you



It was certainly the perfect scenario for the whole 'I told you so' phrase from whoever hadn't approved in the first place. Was that everyone? It doesn't matter now, that was then and this is now. But then, if that were completely true I'd have got over Angel years ago.



I was devastated when he said he was leaving. I honestly didn't understand why he was doing it. It was only later, a lot later that I truly understood.



Stumbling on reasons that are far and few



And now, the walls that I've built aren't coming down for anyone.



I'd let it all come down and then some for you





I remember pleading with him to stay. I almost wish I could banish the sewer talk from my mind completely.



Pretty baby don't you leave me



And I'm still saying it. I'm so sad. I'm sure he isn't sat staring into the fire like a drunken old fart on the day after Christmas thinking about me. I'm sure he's too busy earning redemption. But as sad as it is to admit, it doesn't make it any less true, that I haven't smiled properly for years. Everyone thinks they're so clever in this observation when everyone else knows anyway,



I have been saving smiles for you



I couldn't see what I see now, what I realised. It was too much of a teenager's drama of heartbreak for me to see the truth. I lived in painful denial.



Pretty baby why can't you see



You're the one that I belong to



How naïve was I in the beginning? More than you would think with me being the slayer. I wanted what all of us girls wanted, for our boyfriends to be there forever. I'd still like that, though I know it's a fantasy. I have moved on, just not so much from him.



I'll be the embrace that keeps you warm



For you're the sun that breaks the storm



And I've been left like this.



I'll be alright and I'll sleep sound



As long as you keep comin' round, oh pretty baby



The fires still burning when I pull myself away from a fleeting image of Angel in the sunlight, kissing me. I shake my head as if to loosen the last dregs of to-nights reverie. And somehow feel a little better at not thinking about him any longer. I've had enough. The events of the day pass over my minds eye and I smile. My life is full of friends and that's a great thing.



After going about the ritual of the end of the day and going to bed I climb the stairs, pausing to reassure myself that I had put the fire out. At least I can sleep in tomorrow. Thank god for the school vacation.





And I know things can't last forever

But there are lessons that you'll never learn

Oh just the scent of you it makes me hurt

So how's it you that makes me better



Why can't you hold me and never let go



I've been saving my smiles for you.







Tbc.....





For those of you that are wondering where Angel is, the next chapter is full of him!