Disclaimer: A Lord of the Rings fanfic that's not really a true fanfic. Its just a little rant that turned itself into a story. The story is mine, but everything else belongs to J.R.R Tolkien and of corse, New Line Cinema
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How to Hate Frodo in Five Easy Steps
They say that true strength comes with being able to admit your secrets as if they're your biggest achievements. Who are they you ask? MailQuotes.com. Ancient Chinese monks had to journey millions of miles to gain wisdom. I should know, because my grandma told me that her father's father's granduncle did that. But me, I'll much rather use the powers of the Internet to become enlightened. No need to undergo such tedious ventures; don't get me wrong though. Its not as if I don't respect those monks, I do, I seriously do but why would you ever walk halfway through China and eat whatever people would give you to eat? You could end up dying on some bad pork. My daddy got food poison from eating rotten fish. Granted, he was eating fish sold by mad vendor Tsang, but my point is you can't trust everyone. If I had the chance to give every monk a computer, I would. They would visit Mail Quotes or Candystand.com and realize, Hey the whole frigging world is online! Who needs to walk all that way? You can find enlightenment while eating a sandwich!
Talking about which, that leads me to another annoyance of mine. Two of them in fact. Why can't people appreciate a popcorn, tomato and peanut butter sandwich? I mean, seriously, when I pull one out of my lunch bag, it does NOT mean that everyone, including the very cute Ethan and his not so cute snobby date [notice how I say date, not girlfriend because he's secretly hiding his love from me until I take my braces off, which means the transformation from adorable geek to gorgeous girl will be complete] Vicky Richmond, can stare at each other and go "Ewww..." You think that after seeing me eat a sandwich like that for the past three years, it'll grow old. But then again, when you live in an anthill, ridiculously dubbed "a cute town" in Nowhere, Massachusetts, popcorn, peanut butter and tomato sandwiches never grow old.
Pet Peeve 2] Why is it that everyone thinks that enlightenment via a big screen movie is not an enlightenment at all, but rather just a dork's obsession? If my grandma's father's cousin's son had to journey to Tibet to be enlightened then why the hell can't I be enlightened through a movie? I once beat the crap out of my used to be best friend [but now hated worst enemy] Jackie because she opened her fat mouth and said that monks were crazy and I was defiantly the prime example of craziness associated from not being able to eat meat. [And no, I am not a devout Buddhist, I leave that stuff to my baby brother Jim and Grandma. I'm a vegetarian by choice. But did Jackie ever asked me? No. Does anyone ever ask me anything? No]
So I punched her mouth and got expelled from school. Which was fine by me because it was Nov. 12th, and the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring extended version was coming out. Okay, so if you haven't been able to link any of my previous rants with this little blurb of information, Lord of the Rings became my enlightenment. Go ahead and laugh, I mean, everyone else in Nowhere is laughing right with you.
I don't mind. I mean, Lord of the Rings is hated by half of the world anyway. That's what makes fans - and a-hem, followers - like myself very rare. Lord of the Rings has everything anyone can ever want. At least, everything that anyone with a mind for fantasy and is called an outcast by not only the school, but the whole town, could ever want. Laughter, romance, power and beautiful eye-candy [and I'm not talking only about Legolas] the movie has everything that modern life should offer you, but rarely does.
I mean, right when Arwen stares right into the eyes of Aragorn and said, "It is mine to give to who I choose, like my heart." it almost makes me want to forget about Ethan and his burning love for me and find a new boyfriend, preferably one who'll live forever. Almost is the key word here.
I love everyone in that movie, except for one character. Who? It's an eyeopener, but I am utterly, completely positively sure. I am the biggest fan of Lord of the Rings and I hate Frodo. And let me assure you, I hate hate Frodo. Yes, so Elijah Wood has eyes as blue as the nighttime sky, littered with stars and that beautiful gentle face as if he's just waiting for love, and that slight, slender body bursting with male grace - I still hate Frodo. Weird? Yes. But that's what I am.
So okay, here I am, in Best Buy, which is the best store slash invention slash gift from the gods, clutching my version of Lord of the Rings, waiting in line. Time: 10:05 A.M. Wednesday the 12th of November. I'm the first one there, all decked out in my green tights, white dress, yellow vest and red scarf.
As the cashier - wait? What's that? What was I dressed up as? A little bit of Legolas, a bit of Galadriel, a pinch of Pippin and a dash of Merry and voila! You have my outfit for the day! Anyway, as I was saying, the cashier who was ringing up my DVD, was clearly a deranged Harry Potter fan, you could see it in his glasses and that stupid long black hair, because he picked up my DVD and actually talked to me. Weird, no? How many cashiers you know actually talk to you? I should have never went to the Best Buy in the mall. There's a disease of too much friendliness and "Hey there, can I help you, ma'am?" that's invading that place. Its like school.
"Big fan, huh?"
Oh, his wittiness was a thing to behold. But I will not panic. He's in procession of my DVD, he can call the manager and force me out of the store. Sure, I could buy it at SunCoast, but there's not chance in hell I'm paying an extra ten bucks for it. So I grit my teeth like this and took a deep breath and said,
"Yes, though many thought the movie was a little bit too long drawn, I think life is even more boring sometimes."
"Didn't quite catch you, Misse. Whatcha say?"
"Can you ring up my DVD? Please?"
He was old, so it took him some time to ring up the DVD. All the while, I had to clutch my stomach and try to unhinge my jaw. It was nerve-wracking. It took all I had not to climb over the register and ring it up for myself. And as he was handing me the bag, he asked me,
"Whose your favorite character?"
The DVD was this close to being in my hands and he had to stop it by asking me a question. If I could scream, I would, but then he'll have something to talk about to his buddies over lunch. I'm not giving anyone that joy. I'm not giving anyone anything to talk about, except my tomato, peanut butter and popcorn sandwiches.
"Legolas is my husband, but I love Sam. He's so brave and sad all at the same time."
"I like Frodo."
Between my surprise that he actually watched the movie, let alone he knew the character's names and my joy that he wasn't a Harry Potter fan, a really tight knot curled in my stomach and rose to my throat. Of course he had to be a Frodo Fan! Everyone was a Frodo Fan!
"Well, I don't like Frodo."
"How can you not?"
The DVD, by the way was quite excellent. Those little added touches were beautiful, to say the least. I watched the DVD at home, eating a grape and strawberry salad. And yes, I didn't answer the cashier at Best Buy, and no, I didn't run all the way home, clutching the DVD to my chest and singing the lyrics to May It Be by Enya. [Did I ever tell you I'm going to name either my first child or my new puppy Enya?] I took the bus, and THEN ran all the way to my house from the bus stop home. And I watched the DVD with Grandma.
Jim was far too busy studying for his philosophy test and playing Resident Evil on the GameCube to watch. So anyway, it was me and Grandma watching it. How an 83 year old woman can possibly understand every word that the actors said is beyond me, but Grandma was nice company because she laughed at everything and every time Gimli was on the screen.
Anyway, here's how you can hate Frodo. The first is realizing that Frodo is no Elijah Wood, so you don't have to hate Elijah to hate Frodo.
"Who that man? Pretty."
"Grandma, he's Legolas. Le-go-less."
"La-yo-less?"
"Right. He is pretty, isn't he?"
Step Two: Compare Frodo to Legolas.
"He no fight?"
"No, he's Frodo, he can't fight, Grandma."
Step Three: Realize that though Frodo is the main character, he could have been easily replaced with Pippin, Merry or Sam. Learn to appreciate the other hobbies, because Pippin rocks the house, if you haven't noticed that yet. Don't worry, it's the effect of Frodo-loving. It can be erased.
"No want ring, yes?"
"Yea, Grandma, he doesn't want the ring."
Step Four: Remind yourself constantly that Frodo meant no harm, but he KILLED GANDALF! Whose fault was it? Frodo wanted to go to the Mine, End of story,
"I like movie."
"Thanks for watching it with me, Grandma."
I watch Grandma take the DVD out and give it to me. She's a beautiful thing, Grandma, though she can be a bit old fashioned at times. She always wanted the best for me. I mean, after my mom died, she brought me to buy a book. I was about ten years old and she picked out a book for me called The Hobbit. I love Grandma.
"Grandma, what did the doctor say?"
"Say I okay. Just be calm and quiet."
"You do that Grandma. Night."
I don't usually kiss her cheek, but tonight I do. She smells like the forest. She was so weak, but her heart was strong enough to give me hope. She came from a long line of journey-taking monks. She has the desert, the forest, the river and the sky in her blood. I think I have that in me too.
Upstairs in my room, I sit myself in front of the desk and finished up a fan letter that I'm writing to Orlando Bloom. I written tons before. Actually, 263 to be exact, but this letter is one I'm actually going to send to him. And then he's going to visit Nowhere, swept me off my feet, bring Grandma, Daddy and Jim too, and take me to Hollywood and I'll leave Ethan's heart in pieces.
"...Anyway, Orlando, it has came to my attention that many so-called fans have scorned me for not appreciating Frodo. I was hoping, that because you're so close to Elijah and everything, could you tell him that its not that I don't appreciate Frodo. Far from it. I assessed the movie and its plot many times before, and written countless editorials for the high school newspaper, and I respect Frodo with all my heart. But its just that I don't understand how he can possibly run away from all he had to pursue a death as great as fighting the powerful Sauron. He had your character Legolas, and not only that, but the rest of the Fellowship to protect him. But he left with only Sam.
I'll never understand why he would. Its hard dealing with life with only one friend, and one hope. Didn't Frodo realize how important having everything was? That's why I hate Frodo, and Orlando, if you don't mind, please pass the message to Elijah.
Sincerely yours,
Marianne Xian."
And the final step to hating Frodo? It's the same reason why I hate my life. Understand he had everything and he gave it up. I want everything, but I don't have it. So I guess I hate him for being such a selfish person. Selfish enough to make friends and then leave them in worry and pain. See, hating Frodo is easy.
"Marianne?"
"Marianne!?!"
"MARIANNE!"
"What's wrong, Jim?"
I rush downstairs. Everything seems the same, except, Jim's on the floor, next to Grandma. She's not breathing. And Jim - Jim's crying. I don't know how I manage it, but I stumbled into the kitchen and called 911. And then Daddy. And I waited, hanging onto the phone, just waiting for the ambulance, waiting for someone to help Grandma. I was too scared to go into the living room. I could hear Jim crying, crying so loud. I cried too.
Grandma died of a heart attack that night. That was a month ago. Everything seems unbalanced without her, almost as if, I lost my glasses and could only see in a hazy blur.
I've been watching Lord of the Rings every other day now. Sometimes, I'm too busy with Ethan, or the drama club to watch it. I always wanted to join drama, I loved acting. And Ethan was nice enough to help me with my lines.
I knew if Grandma was still here, she would be in the first row, opening night, with white roses in her hands, because the red ones were not only too cheap, but too ordinary to give to me. And I would have kissed her and went home, and watched Lord of the Rings with her again. But she's not here. Instead, opening night, Jackie's in the front row, with Daddy and Jim, and even though I'm sad, I'm still happy to see them, all there.
When I got off stage, Jackie pressed sunflowers, as bright as her smile and Grandma's favorite dress, into my face, and kissed my cheek.
"You were great, Marianne. Liv Tyler got nothing on you."
"I'm proud of you, Marianne. Wait till everyone at the office sees you!"
"Hey, are we watching Lord of the Rings when we get home, Marianne? Jackie, wanna watch too?"
They almost smothered me with their cheerfulness, but it doesn't bother me, not this time. I can see, underneath their smiling faces, a bit of Grandma in them, smiling back at me. It doesn't hurt as much anymore. Nothing does.
I still eat peanut butter, tomato and popcorn sandwiches, don't appreciate nosy Best Buy cashiers and am a devoted follower of the Lord of the Rings Changed My Life cult [I'm not only a member, I'm also the president, vice president, secretary, treasurer and finical supporter] but I don't hate Frodo as much I used to.
"I know what I must do. But I'm scared to do it alone."
Frodo's right. Being alone is scary. But forcing yourself to be excluded from everything, including living with friends and enjoying life itself, is not strength. Its allowing your fear to control you. Grandma told me that once before, she said her father's father's granduncle passed that little nugget of wisdom from generation to generation. But of course, I never listened to her. She had to leave me alone, before I actually heard her.
Jim bursted into the room, right before the big ending fight scene. Its okay, because I know exactly every move that both Aragorn and Legolas perform onscreen, but its not really okay, cause I was hoping to finish up memorizing every Gimli and Boromir move that night.
"What's up Jim?"
"You got a letter."
"From who?"
"Orlando Bloom."
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How to Hate Frodo in Five Easy Steps
They say that true strength comes with being able to admit your secrets as if they're your biggest achievements. Who are they you ask? MailQuotes.com. Ancient Chinese monks had to journey millions of miles to gain wisdom. I should know, because my grandma told me that her father's father's granduncle did that. But me, I'll much rather use the powers of the Internet to become enlightened. No need to undergo such tedious ventures; don't get me wrong though. Its not as if I don't respect those monks, I do, I seriously do but why would you ever walk halfway through China and eat whatever people would give you to eat? You could end up dying on some bad pork. My daddy got food poison from eating rotten fish. Granted, he was eating fish sold by mad vendor Tsang, but my point is you can't trust everyone. If I had the chance to give every monk a computer, I would. They would visit Mail Quotes or Candystand.com and realize, Hey the whole frigging world is online! Who needs to walk all that way? You can find enlightenment while eating a sandwich!
Talking about which, that leads me to another annoyance of mine. Two of them in fact. Why can't people appreciate a popcorn, tomato and peanut butter sandwich? I mean, seriously, when I pull one out of my lunch bag, it does NOT mean that everyone, including the very cute Ethan and his not so cute snobby date [notice how I say date, not girlfriend because he's secretly hiding his love from me until I take my braces off, which means the transformation from adorable geek to gorgeous girl will be complete] Vicky Richmond, can stare at each other and go "Ewww..." You think that after seeing me eat a sandwich like that for the past three years, it'll grow old. But then again, when you live in an anthill, ridiculously dubbed "a cute town" in Nowhere, Massachusetts, popcorn, peanut butter and tomato sandwiches never grow old.
Pet Peeve 2] Why is it that everyone thinks that enlightenment via a big screen movie is not an enlightenment at all, but rather just a dork's obsession? If my grandma's father's cousin's son had to journey to Tibet to be enlightened then why the hell can't I be enlightened through a movie? I once beat the crap out of my used to be best friend [but now hated worst enemy] Jackie because she opened her fat mouth and said that monks were crazy and I was defiantly the prime example of craziness associated from not being able to eat meat. [And no, I am not a devout Buddhist, I leave that stuff to my baby brother Jim and Grandma. I'm a vegetarian by choice. But did Jackie ever asked me? No. Does anyone ever ask me anything? No]
So I punched her mouth and got expelled from school. Which was fine by me because it was Nov. 12th, and the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring extended version was coming out. Okay, so if you haven't been able to link any of my previous rants with this little blurb of information, Lord of the Rings became my enlightenment. Go ahead and laugh, I mean, everyone else in Nowhere is laughing right with you.
I don't mind. I mean, Lord of the Rings is hated by half of the world anyway. That's what makes fans - and a-hem, followers - like myself very rare. Lord of the Rings has everything anyone can ever want. At least, everything that anyone with a mind for fantasy and is called an outcast by not only the school, but the whole town, could ever want. Laughter, romance, power and beautiful eye-candy [and I'm not talking only about Legolas] the movie has everything that modern life should offer you, but rarely does.
I mean, right when Arwen stares right into the eyes of Aragorn and said, "It is mine to give to who I choose, like my heart." it almost makes me want to forget about Ethan and his burning love for me and find a new boyfriend, preferably one who'll live forever. Almost is the key word here.
I love everyone in that movie, except for one character. Who? It's an eyeopener, but I am utterly, completely positively sure. I am the biggest fan of Lord of the Rings and I hate Frodo. And let me assure you, I hate hate Frodo. Yes, so Elijah Wood has eyes as blue as the nighttime sky, littered with stars and that beautiful gentle face as if he's just waiting for love, and that slight, slender body bursting with male grace - I still hate Frodo. Weird? Yes. But that's what I am.
So okay, here I am, in Best Buy, which is the best store slash invention slash gift from the gods, clutching my version of Lord of the Rings, waiting in line. Time: 10:05 A.M. Wednesday the 12th of November. I'm the first one there, all decked out in my green tights, white dress, yellow vest and red scarf.
As the cashier - wait? What's that? What was I dressed up as? A little bit of Legolas, a bit of Galadriel, a pinch of Pippin and a dash of Merry and voila! You have my outfit for the day! Anyway, as I was saying, the cashier who was ringing up my DVD, was clearly a deranged Harry Potter fan, you could see it in his glasses and that stupid long black hair, because he picked up my DVD and actually talked to me. Weird, no? How many cashiers you know actually talk to you? I should have never went to the Best Buy in the mall. There's a disease of too much friendliness and "Hey there, can I help you, ma'am?" that's invading that place. Its like school.
"Big fan, huh?"
Oh, his wittiness was a thing to behold. But I will not panic. He's in procession of my DVD, he can call the manager and force me out of the store. Sure, I could buy it at SunCoast, but there's not chance in hell I'm paying an extra ten bucks for it. So I grit my teeth like this and took a deep breath and said,
"Yes, though many thought the movie was a little bit too long drawn, I think life is even more boring sometimes."
"Didn't quite catch you, Misse. Whatcha say?"
"Can you ring up my DVD? Please?"
He was old, so it took him some time to ring up the DVD. All the while, I had to clutch my stomach and try to unhinge my jaw. It was nerve-wracking. It took all I had not to climb over the register and ring it up for myself. And as he was handing me the bag, he asked me,
"Whose your favorite character?"
The DVD was this close to being in my hands and he had to stop it by asking me a question. If I could scream, I would, but then he'll have something to talk about to his buddies over lunch. I'm not giving anyone that joy. I'm not giving anyone anything to talk about, except my tomato, peanut butter and popcorn sandwiches.
"Legolas is my husband, but I love Sam. He's so brave and sad all at the same time."
"I like Frodo."
Between my surprise that he actually watched the movie, let alone he knew the character's names and my joy that he wasn't a Harry Potter fan, a really tight knot curled in my stomach and rose to my throat. Of course he had to be a Frodo Fan! Everyone was a Frodo Fan!
"Well, I don't like Frodo."
"How can you not?"
The DVD, by the way was quite excellent. Those little added touches were beautiful, to say the least. I watched the DVD at home, eating a grape and strawberry salad. And yes, I didn't answer the cashier at Best Buy, and no, I didn't run all the way home, clutching the DVD to my chest and singing the lyrics to May It Be by Enya. [Did I ever tell you I'm going to name either my first child or my new puppy Enya?] I took the bus, and THEN ran all the way to my house from the bus stop home. And I watched the DVD with Grandma.
Jim was far too busy studying for his philosophy test and playing Resident Evil on the GameCube to watch. So anyway, it was me and Grandma watching it. How an 83 year old woman can possibly understand every word that the actors said is beyond me, but Grandma was nice company because she laughed at everything and every time Gimli was on the screen.
Anyway, here's how you can hate Frodo. The first is realizing that Frodo is no Elijah Wood, so you don't have to hate Elijah to hate Frodo.
"Who that man? Pretty."
"Grandma, he's Legolas. Le-go-less."
"La-yo-less?"
"Right. He is pretty, isn't he?"
Step Two: Compare Frodo to Legolas.
"He no fight?"
"No, he's Frodo, he can't fight, Grandma."
Step Three: Realize that though Frodo is the main character, he could have been easily replaced with Pippin, Merry or Sam. Learn to appreciate the other hobbies, because Pippin rocks the house, if you haven't noticed that yet. Don't worry, it's the effect of Frodo-loving. It can be erased.
"No want ring, yes?"
"Yea, Grandma, he doesn't want the ring."
Step Four: Remind yourself constantly that Frodo meant no harm, but he KILLED GANDALF! Whose fault was it? Frodo wanted to go to the Mine, End of story,
"I like movie."
"Thanks for watching it with me, Grandma."
I watch Grandma take the DVD out and give it to me. She's a beautiful thing, Grandma, though she can be a bit old fashioned at times. She always wanted the best for me. I mean, after my mom died, she brought me to buy a book. I was about ten years old and she picked out a book for me called The Hobbit. I love Grandma.
"Grandma, what did the doctor say?"
"Say I okay. Just be calm and quiet."
"You do that Grandma. Night."
I don't usually kiss her cheek, but tonight I do. She smells like the forest. She was so weak, but her heart was strong enough to give me hope. She came from a long line of journey-taking monks. She has the desert, the forest, the river and the sky in her blood. I think I have that in me too.
Upstairs in my room, I sit myself in front of the desk and finished up a fan letter that I'm writing to Orlando Bloom. I written tons before. Actually, 263 to be exact, but this letter is one I'm actually going to send to him. And then he's going to visit Nowhere, swept me off my feet, bring Grandma, Daddy and Jim too, and take me to Hollywood and I'll leave Ethan's heart in pieces.
"...Anyway, Orlando, it has came to my attention that many so-called fans have scorned me for not appreciating Frodo. I was hoping, that because you're so close to Elijah and everything, could you tell him that its not that I don't appreciate Frodo. Far from it. I assessed the movie and its plot many times before, and written countless editorials for the high school newspaper, and I respect Frodo with all my heart. But its just that I don't understand how he can possibly run away from all he had to pursue a death as great as fighting the powerful Sauron. He had your character Legolas, and not only that, but the rest of the Fellowship to protect him. But he left with only Sam.
I'll never understand why he would. Its hard dealing with life with only one friend, and one hope. Didn't Frodo realize how important having everything was? That's why I hate Frodo, and Orlando, if you don't mind, please pass the message to Elijah.
Sincerely yours,
Marianne Xian."
And the final step to hating Frodo? It's the same reason why I hate my life. Understand he had everything and he gave it up. I want everything, but I don't have it. So I guess I hate him for being such a selfish person. Selfish enough to make friends and then leave them in worry and pain. See, hating Frodo is easy.
"Marianne?"
"Marianne!?!"
"MARIANNE!"
"What's wrong, Jim?"
I rush downstairs. Everything seems the same, except, Jim's on the floor, next to Grandma. She's not breathing. And Jim - Jim's crying. I don't know how I manage it, but I stumbled into the kitchen and called 911. And then Daddy. And I waited, hanging onto the phone, just waiting for the ambulance, waiting for someone to help Grandma. I was too scared to go into the living room. I could hear Jim crying, crying so loud. I cried too.
Grandma died of a heart attack that night. That was a month ago. Everything seems unbalanced without her, almost as if, I lost my glasses and could only see in a hazy blur.
I've been watching Lord of the Rings every other day now. Sometimes, I'm too busy with Ethan, or the drama club to watch it. I always wanted to join drama, I loved acting. And Ethan was nice enough to help me with my lines.
I knew if Grandma was still here, she would be in the first row, opening night, with white roses in her hands, because the red ones were not only too cheap, but too ordinary to give to me. And I would have kissed her and went home, and watched Lord of the Rings with her again. But she's not here. Instead, opening night, Jackie's in the front row, with Daddy and Jim, and even though I'm sad, I'm still happy to see them, all there.
When I got off stage, Jackie pressed sunflowers, as bright as her smile and Grandma's favorite dress, into my face, and kissed my cheek.
"You were great, Marianne. Liv Tyler got nothing on you."
"I'm proud of you, Marianne. Wait till everyone at the office sees you!"
"Hey, are we watching Lord of the Rings when we get home, Marianne? Jackie, wanna watch too?"
They almost smothered me with their cheerfulness, but it doesn't bother me, not this time. I can see, underneath their smiling faces, a bit of Grandma in them, smiling back at me. It doesn't hurt as much anymore. Nothing does.
I still eat peanut butter, tomato and popcorn sandwiches, don't appreciate nosy Best Buy cashiers and am a devoted follower of the Lord of the Rings Changed My Life cult [I'm not only a member, I'm also the president, vice president, secretary, treasurer and finical supporter] but I don't hate Frodo as much I used to.
"I know what I must do. But I'm scared to do it alone."
Frodo's right. Being alone is scary. But forcing yourself to be excluded from everything, including living with friends and enjoying life itself, is not strength. Its allowing your fear to control you. Grandma told me that once before, she said her father's father's granduncle passed that little nugget of wisdom from generation to generation. But of course, I never listened to her. She had to leave me alone, before I actually heard her.
Jim bursted into the room, right before the big ending fight scene. Its okay, because I know exactly every move that both Aragorn and Legolas perform onscreen, but its not really okay, cause I was hoping to finish up memorizing every Gimli and Boromir move that night.
"What's up Jim?"
"You got a letter."
"From who?"
"Orlando Bloom."