(Author is briefing the cats on what exactly they're going to do this
time.)
Okay, here's a brand new parody. I don't know if it'll end up with any sort of plot, but let's just hope it doesn't turn out like.uh.that. (Points pointedly toward her like-new copy of her own "A Plotless Parody.")
Misto: I really hope not. That thing was terrible. I hope no one in any place of power reads it. Our entire governmental system could be destroyed in the wake of your writing style.
(Sounding hurt) Hey, it wasn't that bad. At least it was funny.
(All cats start giggling as they notice that Misto is still a slight shade of pink in the white spots.)
Okay. Sooo.what do you want to do?
Rum Tum Tugger: You're asking us? Whoa. That's a first. She actually cares what we think.
I didn't say that. I just didn't want to seem imposing.
Roxanne: A little late for that, wouldn't you say?
Be quiet, little miss alter ego. I'm trying to sound intelligent.
Bombalurina: A little late for that, too.
Alonzo: Hey, Bomb, what're you doing here?
Bombalurina: The author decided she wanted to include all of us in this thing. (Turns toward the previously mentioned author) And if you even THINK of coming near me with spray paint. (Lets it hang, trying to be suspenseful and to impress the threat a bit more.)
Ooh, do I detect a hint of foreshadowing?
Munkustrap: Let's hope not. At least the purple faded into the black.
Misto: Yeah, lucky you. I just happen to be the only one who was there who had white spots, and she chose pink. Hot pink, of all things!
Alonzo: Hey, forgetting someone?
Misto: Hey, at least your green came out after a few washings.
All right, people, enough small talk. I'm getting fed up with writing nothing of any content whatsoever. I'm tired of us going of on meaningless tangents. I'm tired of having to sit here idly while listening to the infernal racket of you impertinent fools chattering endlessly about little misdemeanors in your everyday lives. (After breathing extra specially hard, the author hyperventilates and passes out as she did in the last parody. Cats all cheer and.) Wait a minute. I've got writer's block. Oh, no, the horror! Whatever shall I do? I have nothing, nothing at all, no material with which to torture you all. Oh, woe is me!
(All cats edge slowly away from author, who is apparently and most definitely a total fruitcake.)
WAIT! I have an idea!
Misto: No, really?
Hey, didn't we make that joke last time?
Victoria: Most of us wouldn't know, we were spared the torture.
Macavity: Shut up! It's not like we had a choice!
Why do you all have to be so cynical? If this idea of mine works out, no one should get hurt. At least, not by my doing.
Macavity: Oh, joy. Oh, rapture. Oh, the merriment of it all. We shall be spared the horrendous agony being exposed to the more harmful of your ideas. Go on, please.
Ookay. (Edges away from Macavity with the rest of the cats, who are beginning to look nervous at the thought of so many fruitcakes in on room. Including the pile of them that lay by the fireplace, waiting to be used as fuel for the non-existent fire since a few Christmases ago.)
So, anyway, I was thinking that we could try and have debates.
Demeter: Debates? Why debates?
Well, it doesn't have to be debates. We could just, I don't know, have little group chat sessions hourly about our problems. Become more open with one another. Cool things like that. (Doesn't pause at the looks of fright plastered on the cat's faces and proceeds to take a huge lava lamp and tie dye tee shirts for all from a carpet bag that looks strangely like the one in 'Mary Poppins.')
Macavity: Noooooo! Not more tye dye! I can't stand it! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Runs around the small, confined space, screaming hysterically and tearing out chunks of his fur.)
Uh, oh. I think we may have a nutcase on the loose. Oh, well. Spray paints, anyone?
Misto: (Backs away slowly) Hey, I thought you said we were going to sort out our problems. (Goes flying across the room as Plato elbows him hard in the stomach.)
Plato: Don't remind her! (Turns and gets a face full of.wait. What's that?) Ha, ha! It doesn't work! You can't color me.
Roxanne: I wouldn't taunt her if I were you, Plato.
Who says I can't color you?
All: Run!
Macavity: (Stops screaming for a moment) Run, run, yes, run! Run awaaaaay! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Resumes task of running around the room and screaming. Begins to claw at his eyes because there's no fur left to tear out.
Hey, Munk? Would you go call the asylum? I think we may be in need of their assistance. Desperately.
Munk: How come I always have to find people? It's not like I get paid for it.
So.
Munk: So, I want pay. And I'm sure I'm not just speaking for myself when I say that.
All: Yeah! Pay! Pay! Pay! Pay! (Go on chanting for a while the author calls the asylum to say that there is a tribe of lunatic Jellicles surrounding her and that they'd better come immediately.)
All right, what do you want? A home? Actual food? Necessary, everyday provisions?
(They all nod, disbelieving the fact that she's offering them all these things that they've lived without for years.)
Okay, then. I've just called a very nice place that's willing to put you guys up.for free!
Macavity: Free! Free! I'm freeeeeeeeeeee! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
And it's just perfect for you. You'll have your own pretty, white room with nice, soft walls.
Macavity: Pretty! White! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
(A knock on the door is heard from.guess what? The door!)
Hello? Who's there?
Asylum dude: Bring out yer dead! Bring out yer dead! Wait, wrong story. It's me, the asylum dude. I've come to collect.
Ah, yes, the asylum dude. Come on in. They're all confined.
Asylum dude: Good. I like 'em confined. (Spots Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer.) Hey, guys! Wazzuuuuuup! (Gives them both high fives.) So, who'm I collecting today?
Mungojerrie: (With an overpowering innocent and truthful look on his face.) We 'ave jost got a few for yew, Fred.
Rumpelteazer: Oh, yeah. An 'ole bonch of wackoes! (Giggles her characteristically demented giggle and points to Macavity who has clawed his eyes out and is now working on chewing off his tail.)
Asylum dude now known as Fred: Ah, I see what you mean. That one'll have to stay in.(pauses for dramatical effect and the cats all gasp in horror) .the room.
Mungojerrie: Ao, nao, not the reoom!
Fred: Yes, the room! Mmmwahahahahahahahahahah..! (Macavity joins in the insane, maniacal laughter and then goes back to chewing his tail off.) .ahahahah.Aaaaaaaaah! (Laughter turns to screams as Fred's 'buddies' wrap him in a straitjacket and carry him off. A new officer steps forward.)
New officer: So, who else besides that guy?
Mungojerrie: Tha's oll, really. Oi con't think of any one alse. (Begins to wheeze profusely because Misto jabbed him the back with his small but pointy elbow.)
Misto: Actually, we've got a few more. Let's see.you can have Pouncival and Etcetera definitely.
Rumpelteazer: (Catches on to Misto's wonderfully clever plan to rid the world of fruitcake-like cats.) Yew can 'ave Coreecowpit an' Tintoemoil, they're jost ploin freaky.
Rum Tum Tugger: You can have Munkustrap. He's so serious, I think he suffers from major depression. I'm worried he'll try to commit suicide or something like that.
Mungojerrie: Toik Rom,,,wheeze.Tom Togga',.wheeze.tew.
New Officer: Is that all?
Misto: Yep, that's ZAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!! oops.
New Officer: Wait a minute, you're a freak, too?
Misto: Nope, not me, nothing freakish about me. I think one of my, erm, explosives just went off by mistake. But I'm definitely not a fruitcake. Not me, no way, no how.
New Officer: Explosives in your fingers? That's it, take him away, too.
Misto: No! Not me! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Let me go! Aaaarggh!
New Officer: Watch out, men, that one's dangerous, he's got explosives in his fingers.
Mungojerrie: Boi the woiy, we'ave got one mor.aaaaaah! Keap 'er awoiy! Oi con't stand the.the.INNOSHINCE OF IT OLL! AAAAAAAAH! (Falls on the floor and twitches as Jemima skips happily by.)
New Officer: (Stares at Mungojerrie) Oooh, another nutcase.
Rumpelteazer: Doin't toik him, officer, it's not 'is folt. She's offected oll of us. It's getting tew 'ard tew bear.
New Officer: You mean to say you're all nutcases? (Looks skyward) Yes! New test subjects! Wait a minute, did I just say that out loud?
All nod.
New Officer: Okay, well, I guess it doesn't matter, anyway. You all have to be locked up if you've been contaminated with the same, uh, innocence as this poor fellow. (Gestures towards Mungojerrie who is still going into various spasms on the floor.)
(Jemima skips innocently by the cats with a wide eyed look of naiveté on her perfect, innocent face, humming that annoying little tune the Smurfs hum when they're being all happy and innocent. All the cats fall on the floor and go into spasms. Jemima stops in front of the new officer and stares plaintively at him with her wide-eyed, innocent gaze of pure innocence.)
New Officer: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! The horror! (His fellow work mates all fall to the floor and groan.) Oh, no! We've all been contaminated! (Runs around like the crazed man he is and fits straitjackets onto everybody, then attempts to secure himself.) Hahahahahahahahahahah! I'm safe! Heeheeheeheehee! (Waltzes merrily into barred truck with all the cats and his work mates following.)
Jemima: (Drops her look of innocence, closes the van door, locks it, and mutters something incoherently to the ground, then looks back up with a glint of something akin to evil in her eyes.) Yes! I've finally managed to get rid of all the cats! Now I can rule the world! Mmmwahahahahahahahah!!!
Roxanne: (Realizes they've all been had and wakes up Misto. He has a swollen eye from when he was hit over the head so he wouldn't go all explosive again.) Wait one minute, evil Jemima alter-ego cat! You're forgetting two things!
Jemima: And what are those two things, may I ask?
Misto: Us! Voila! (Roxanne and Misto appear outside the van without their straitjackets.)
Roxanne: Bravo, Mistoffelees! Bravo! Now we can put an end to your evil ways! POOF! (Magically transports Jemima into the still-locked van and into a straitjacket.
Misto: Now it's my turn to congratulate you, Roxanne, that was beautifully done.
Roxanne: Why, thank you. You think we should let the rest of them out?
Misto: (Pauses to think.) I don't think so. A year or so in there would probably do them good. Besides, now we'll have the junkyard to ourselves. (Winks playfully towards Roxanne.)
Roxanne: Ah, good deduction, Mistowatson. Shall we adjourn to our abode?
Misto: We shall. (They walk off together, arm in arm, completely forgetting that everyone else is in the van and there is, consequentially, no driver to take them to the funny farm. Not like they care, but still.)
Okay, here's a brand new parody. I don't know if it'll end up with any sort of plot, but let's just hope it doesn't turn out like.uh.that. (Points pointedly toward her like-new copy of her own "A Plotless Parody.")
Misto: I really hope not. That thing was terrible. I hope no one in any place of power reads it. Our entire governmental system could be destroyed in the wake of your writing style.
(Sounding hurt) Hey, it wasn't that bad. At least it was funny.
(All cats start giggling as they notice that Misto is still a slight shade of pink in the white spots.)
Okay. Sooo.what do you want to do?
Rum Tum Tugger: You're asking us? Whoa. That's a first. She actually cares what we think.
I didn't say that. I just didn't want to seem imposing.
Roxanne: A little late for that, wouldn't you say?
Be quiet, little miss alter ego. I'm trying to sound intelligent.
Bombalurina: A little late for that, too.
Alonzo: Hey, Bomb, what're you doing here?
Bombalurina: The author decided she wanted to include all of us in this thing. (Turns toward the previously mentioned author) And if you even THINK of coming near me with spray paint. (Lets it hang, trying to be suspenseful and to impress the threat a bit more.)
Ooh, do I detect a hint of foreshadowing?
Munkustrap: Let's hope not. At least the purple faded into the black.
Misto: Yeah, lucky you. I just happen to be the only one who was there who had white spots, and she chose pink. Hot pink, of all things!
Alonzo: Hey, forgetting someone?
Misto: Hey, at least your green came out after a few washings.
All right, people, enough small talk. I'm getting fed up with writing nothing of any content whatsoever. I'm tired of us going of on meaningless tangents. I'm tired of having to sit here idly while listening to the infernal racket of you impertinent fools chattering endlessly about little misdemeanors in your everyday lives. (After breathing extra specially hard, the author hyperventilates and passes out as she did in the last parody. Cats all cheer and.) Wait a minute. I've got writer's block. Oh, no, the horror! Whatever shall I do? I have nothing, nothing at all, no material with which to torture you all. Oh, woe is me!
(All cats edge slowly away from author, who is apparently and most definitely a total fruitcake.)
WAIT! I have an idea!
Misto: No, really?
Hey, didn't we make that joke last time?
Victoria: Most of us wouldn't know, we were spared the torture.
Macavity: Shut up! It's not like we had a choice!
Why do you all have to be so cynical? If this idea of mine works out, no one should get hurt. At least, not by my doing.
Macavity: Oh, joy. Oh, rapture. Oh, the merriment of it all. We shall be spared the horrendous agony being exposed to the more harmful of your ideas. Go on, please.
Ookay. (Edges away from Macavity with the rest of the cats, who are beginning to look nervous at the thought of so many fruitcakes in on room. Including the pile of them that lay by the fireplace, waiting to be used as fuel for the non-existent fire since a few Christmases ago.)
So, anyway, I was thinking that we could try and have debates.
Demeter: Debates? Why debates?
Well, it doesn't have to be debates. We could just, I don't know, have little group chat sessions hourly about our problems. Become more open with one another. Cool things like that. (Doesn't pause at the looks of fright plastered on the cat's faces and proceeds to take a huge lava lamp and tie dye tee shirts for all from a carpet bag that looks strangely like the one in 'Mary Poppins.')
Macavity: Noooooo! Not more tye dye! I can't stand it! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Runs around the small, confined space, screaming hysterically and tearing out chunks of his fur.)
Uh, oh. I think we may have a nutcase on the loose. Oh, well. Spray paints, anyone?
Misto: (Backs away slowly) Hey, I thought you said we were going to sort out our problems. (Goes flying across the room as Plato elbows him hard in the stomach.)
Plato: Don't remind her! (Turns and gets a face full of.wait. What's that?) Ha, ha! It doesn't work! You can't color me.
Roxanne: I wouldn't taunt her if I were you, Plato.
Who says I can't color you?
All: Run!
Macavity: (Stops screaming for a moment) Run, run, yes, run! Run awaaaaay! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Resumes task of running around the room and screaming. Begins to claw at his eyes because there's no fur left to tear out.
Hey, Munk? Would you go call the asylum? I think we may be in need of their assistance. Desperately.
Munk: How come I always have to find people? It's not like I get paid for it.
So.
Munk: So, I want pay. And I'm sure I'm not just speaking for myself when I say that.
All: Yeah! Pay! Pay! Pay! Pay! (Go on chanting for a while the author calls the asylum to say that there is a tribe of lunatic Jellicles surrounding her and that they'd better come immediately.)
All right, what do you want? A home? Actual food? Necessary, everyday provisions?
(They all nod, disbelieving the fact that she's offering them all these things that they've lived without for years.)
Okay, then. I've just called a very nice place that's willing to put you guys up.for free!
Macavity: Free! Free! I'm freeeeeeeeeeee! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
And it's just perfect for you. You'll have your own pretty, white room with nice, soft walls.
Macavity: Pretty! White! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
(A knock on the door is heard from.guess what? The door!)
Hello? Who's there?
Asylum dude: Bring out yer dead! Bring out yer dead! Wait, wrong story. It's me, the asylum dude. I've come to collect.
Ah, yes, the asylum dude. Come on in. They're all confined.
Asylum dude: Good. I like 'em confined. (Spots Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer.) Hey, guys! Wazzuuuuuup! (Gives them both high fives.) So, who'm I collecting today?
Mungojerrie: (With an overpowering innocent and truthful look on his face.) We 'ave jost got a few for yew, Fred.
Rumpelteazer: Oh, yeah. An 'ole bonch of wackoes! (Giggles her characteristically demented giggle and points to Macavity who has clawed his eyes out and is now working on chewing off his tail.)
Asylum dude now known as Fred: Ah, I see what you mean. That one'll have to stay in.(pauses for dramatical effect and the cats all gasp in horror) .the room.
Mungojerrie: Ao, nao, not the reoom!
Fred: Yes, the room! Mmmwahahahahahahahahahah..! (Macavity joins in the insane, maniacal laughter and then goes back to chewing his tail off.) .ahahahah.Aaaaaaaaah! (Laughter turns to screams as Fred's 'buddies' wrap him in a straitjacket and carry him off. A new officer steps forward.)
New officer: So, who else besides that guy?
Mungojerrie: Tha's oll, really. Oi con't think of any one alse. (Begins to wheeze profusely because Misto jabbed him the back with his small but pointy elbow.)
Misto: Actually, we've got a few more. Let's see.you can have Pouncival and Etcetera definitely.
Rumpelteazer: (Catches on to Misto's wonderfully clever plan to rid the world of fruitcake-like cats.) Yew can 'ave Coreecowpit an' Tintoemoil, they're jost ploin freaky.
Rum Tum Tugger: You can have Munkustrap. He's so serious, I think he suffers from major depression. I'm worried he'll try to commit suicide or something like that.
Mungojerrie: Toik Rom,,,wheeze.Tom Togga',.wheeze.tew.
New Officer: Is that all?
Misto: Yep, that's ZAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!! oops.
New Officer: Wait a minute, you're a freak, too?
Misto: Nope, not me, nothing freakish about me. I think one of my, erm, explosives just went off by mistake. But I'm definitely not a fruitcake. Not me, no way, no how.
New Officer: Explosives in your fingers? That's it, take him away, too.
Misto: No! Not me! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Let me go! Aaaarggh!
New Officer: Watch out, men, that one's dangerous, he's got explosives in his fingers.
Mungojerrie: Boi the woiy, we'ave got one mor.aaaaaah! Keap 'er awoiy! Oi con't stand the.the.INNOSHINCE OF IT OLL! AAAAAAAAH! (Falls on the floor and twitches as Jemima skips happily by.)
New Officer: (Stares at Mungojerrie) Oooh, another nutcase.
Rumpelteazer: Doin't toik him, officer, it's not 'is folt. She's offected oll of us. It's getting tew 'ard tew bear.
New Officer: You mean to say you're all nutcases? (Looks skyward) Yes! New test subjects! Wait a minute, did I just say that out loud?
All nod.
New Officer: Okay, well, I guess it doesn't matter, anyway. You all have to be locked up if you've been contaminated with the same, uh, innocence as this poor fellow. (Gestures towards Mungojerrie who is still going into various spasms on the floor.)
(Jemima skips innocently by the cats with a wide eyed look of naiveté on her perfect, innocent face, humming that annoying little tune the Smurfs hum when they're being all happy and innocent. All the cats fall on the floor and go into spasms. Jemima stops in front of the new officer and stares plaintively at him with her wide-eyed, innocent gaze of pure innocence.)
New Officer: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! The horror! (His fellow work mates all fall to the floor and groan.) Oh, no! We've all been contaminated! (Runs around like the crazed man he is and fits straitjackets onto everybody, then attempts to secure himself.) Hahahahahahahahahahah! I'm safe! Heeheeheeheehee! (Waltzes merrily into barred truck with all the cats and his work mates following.)
Jemima: (Drops her look of innocence, closes the van door, locks it, and mutters something incoherently to the ground, then looks back up with a glint of something akin to evil in her eyes.) Yes! I've finally managed to get rid of all the cats! Now I can rule the world! Mmmwahahahahahahahah!!!
Roxanne: (Realizes they've all been had and wakes up Misto. He has a swollen eye from when he was hit over the head so he wouldn't go all explosive again.) Wait one minute, evil Jemima alter-ego cat! You're forgetting two things!
Jemima: And what are those two things, may I ask?
Misto: Us! Voila! (Roxanne and Misto appear outside the van without their straitjackets.)
Roxanne: Bravo, Mistoffelees! Bravo! Now we can put an end to your evil ways! POOF! (Magically transports Jemima into the still-locked van and into a straitjacket.
Misto: Now it's my turn to congratulate you, Roxanne, that was beautifully done.
Roxanne: Why, thank you. You think we should let the rest of them out?
Misto: (Pauses to think.) I don't think so. A year or so in there would probably do them good. Besides, now we'll have the junkyard to ourselves. (Winks playfully towards Roxanne.)
Roxanne: Ah, good deduction, Mistowatson. Shall we adjourn to our abode?
Misto: We shall. (They walk off together, arm in arm, completely forgetting that everyone else is in the van and there is, consequentially, no driver to take them to the funny farm. Not like they care, but still.)