Disclaimer: I dun own dem FF characters...kay?
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The 12 Final Fantasy Days of Christmas
starring your favorite FF7 characters!!
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Audience: (deadpan) Yay.
Authoress: I knew you'd be excited!! Let's get this show on the road! *kicks the hidiously-decorated stereo in the background and stands in front of the FF characters assembled to sing*
Stereo: Hit me baby, one more time!!
Authoress: AERIS!!! I said 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'!! Not Brittany Shears!!
Aeris: Spears.
Authoress: Whatever. I'm glad you die. Very glad. Now get in line. NOW.
Aeris: Humph!! *gets in line only to be tripped by Authoress*
Authoress: Heh heh...Okay! Now for the Twelve Days of Christmas!!
Stereo: *plays the old, cheesy Christmas tune*
CID: On the first $#%^ing day of Christmas, my true love (who ISN'T that %$^&# Sherra!!) gave to me...A high-powered flying airship. *mumbles expelatives under his breath while smoking*
CLOUD: *in a surprisingly good voice* On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... two tubs of hair gel! *whips out a comb and mirror and does his hair*
Cid: And a high-powered flying airship....%$^^^#$!@#!!!
YUFFIE: *wobbles onto stage, does her trademark punchy...thingy* On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...three huge materia! (Yeah baby! I mean...I'm clean, I swear!!)
Cloud: Two tubs of hairgel.
Cid: And a high-powered flying airship....#^^&#@...
BARRETT: *in a really low, Barry White-esque singing voice* On da forph day uh Christmas, mah true homie-home-boy-g-dawg gave tah MEEEEEEEEEEE....four replacement gun-arms. (You go, dawg!)
Yuffie: Three huge materia! (I wonder how much I'll get for these...)
Cloud: Two tubs of hairgel...Only two?!
Cid: And a high-%^*@ing powered flying airship.
AERIS: *growling at Authoress* On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love *waves to Cloud* gave to me...*looks at paper* Five deaths by Sephie?!?!
*omnious Latin chorus begins to play. Aeris looks around nervously. Sephiroth stands in the back- ground, holding the stereo hostage*
Stereo: Help! I mean...*plays more Christmas music like nothing's happening*
Barrett: Four replacement gun-arms...foo!!
Yuffie: Three huge materia!
Cloud: Two tubs of hairgel. *puts hands on hips in trademark Cloud stance*
Cid: And a high-powered flying airship. Are we done yet?!
VINCENT: *flying in from a dark corner, scowling* On the sixth day of Christmas, Lucrecia gave to me...six coffin lids. (In purple, I might add.)
Aeris: *still nervous* Five...deaths by Sephie...
*Sephiroth prepares to kill Aeris again. He walks away from the stereo, which sighs in relief*
Barrett: Four replacement gun-arms...YO!!
Yuffie: Three REEEEEEEEEELLY big huge materia.
Cloud: *does Rufus hair flick...thing* Two tubs of hairgel...(Does Tifa like my hair?)
Cid: We're STILL goin'?!!? #%#^#&#$^$&$^# airships!!!
TIFA: *in an elven costume, for some reason* On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love *waves at Cloud, who waves back* gave to me...seven dates with Cloud!
Vincent: Six coffin lids...(Thanks, Lucrecia!)
Aeris: Five deaths by...Sephie...(Aren't I dead already?)
Barrett: *rapping* Fo' gun-arms...YO!!
Yuffie: Three HUGIE HUGE materia!
Cloud: *puffs his stupid genie pants* Two tubs o' hairgel.
Cid: #$$&%#^*%&%^&%&#$ AIRSHIP!!!
CAIT-SITH: On the eighth day of Christmas, ya'll gave ta me...eight big fat moogles!
Tifa: Seven dates with wonderful Cloud over there...
Vincent: Six coffin lids...with built-in speakers...
Aeris: Fiiiiiiiive....unneccesary deaths by Sephie...
Barrett: *still rapping, with turntable* F-F-F-F-F-F-Fo' gun-arms....Y-Y-Y- Y-O!!!
Yuffie: THREE BIG OL' FREAKIN' HUGE MATERIA...!! WHOO!!
Cloud: *waves at Tifa* Two tubs of hairgel...(Should I wear my hair up or down...?)
Cid: Airships...airships...one FREAKIN' airship...okay??!
TSENG: *swaying uneasily back and forth* On DA ninth day O' Christmas...*hic*...mah trew luv *waves at Tifa* gave ta meh...NINE QUARTS O' BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZZZZZZEEEE!!!
Cait-Sith: *shuffles away from Tseng* Eight big fat moogles...ya'll...
Tifa: *smacks Tseng* Seven dates with CLOUD...Not you!!!
*Tseng pouts*
Vincent: Six coffin lids...with cable and AC...
Aeris: Five...deaths by...someone else...besides Sephie...
Barrett: *with Rude on the mic, rapping with him* Say it wit me, foo'!! FO GUN-ARMS, YO!!
Yuffie: *is slightly amused by the two "rappers"* Three...*giggle* huge materia...
Cloud: *raises an eyebrow, which is spiked like his hair* Two tubs of hairgel...
Cid: *looks over at the rappers* WTF?!?!? One airship, and THAT'S all!!
NANAKI: *almost asleep, save for the rapping in the background* On the tenth day of Christmas, my creator gave to me...ten rolling beachballs....*yawn*
Tseng: Hey Tifa! Want nine quarts of boooooooooooze?
Cait-Sith: *backing away* Eight moogles...that are big...
Tifa: *beats Tseng with a frying pan* Seven dates with Cloud...ALONE!
Vincent: Six coffin lids...with sixteen movie channels...
Aeris: *spots Sephie approaching* Five...deaths...by...uh...someone else?
Barrett: *has Rude and Reno now* Put yo hands in dah AIR!! FO' gun-arms!
Reno and Rude: YO!!
Yuffie: *still giggling* Three huge-cut, fourteen carat materia...hee hee...
Cloud: *looks over at Tifa, who is beating the snot out of Tseng* Two tubs of hairgel...
Cid: Are we done yet?!?! An airship! A high-powered flying' one, too!! @#$@%!!
RUFUS: *appears with his dog thing whose name I don't remember* On the eleventh day of Christmas, my advisors gave to me...eleven Sister Rays. (World domination, baby!!)
Nanaki: *curled up in a corner* Ten rolling beachballs.
Tseng: Nine quarts of booze!! Yeah! Hey, Teef, wanna--*WHOMP*
*Tifa pounds his face in with her shoe*
Cait-Sith: *at a safe distance* Eight giant moogles...I'm calling my supervisors!
Tifa: *is satisfied with Tseng as a bloody heap on the floor* Seven dates with Cloud! *waves*
Vincent: Six coffin lids...with a DVD player...
Aeris: Five...um...can I leave now?
Barrett: FO' GUN-ARMS!! Put YO freekin' hands UP!!
Reno and Rude: WHOOO!!
Yuffie: *is talking to a pawn shop owner* How much for...I mean three huge materia!
Cloud: *still doing his hair* Two tubs of hairgel...well, actually, more like one...cuz' I used one... Cid: *is in the bathroom, but can be heard* An AIRSHIP!!
SEPHIROTH: *appears with trademark Latin choir* On the twelfth day of Christmas, my father, whom I loathe, gave to me...twelve masamunes! Whoo!!
Rufus: *does hair swish thing* Eleven Sister Rays...
Nanaki: Ten rolling beachballs...*falls asleep, until he's pegged in the head by said beachballs*
Tseng: *is passed out*
Cait-Sith: *on cell-phone* Yeah...yeah...and eight big fat moogles, awright?
Tifa: *beaming* Seven dates with Cloud!
Vincent: Six coffin lids...with a built-in bathroom, which really comes in handy...
Aeris: Fiiiiiiive deaths by---ACK!! *is killed by Sephiroth*
Stereo and Random Gnomes: *cheer*
Barrett: *has most of the audience rapping* FO', let me tell ya', FO' gun- arms!!
Reno and Rude: *doing a back-up dance* YO!!
Yuffie: *counting a pile of Gil* Well...I HAD three huge materia...
Cloud: Two tubs of hairgel...*walks out to go on a date with Tifa*
Cid: *has toilet paper stuck to his shoe* And a high-powered flying airship! THERE, WE'RE DONE!!
Audience: *cheers*
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That was...*sniff*...so touching...
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The 12 Final Fantasy Days of Christmas
starring your favorite FF7 characters!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Audience: (deadpan) Yay.
Authoress: I knew you'd be excited!! Let's get this show on the road! *kicks the hidiously-decorated stereo in the background and stands in front of the FF characters assembled to sing*
Stereo: Hit me baby, one more time!!
Authoress: AERIS!!! I said 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'!! Not Brittany Shears!!
Aeris: Spears.
Authoress: Whatever. I'm glad you die. Very glad. Now get in line. NOW.
Aeris: Humph!! *gets in line only to be tripped by Authoress*
Authoress: Heh heh...Okay! Now for the Twelve Days of Christmas!!
Stereo: *plays the old, cheesy Christmas tune*
CID: On the first $#%^ing day of Christmas, my true love (who ISN'T that %$^&# Sherra!!) gave to me...A high-powered flying airship. *mumbles expelatives under his breath while smoking*
CLOUD: *in a surprisingly good voice* On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... two tubs of hair gel! *whips out a comb and mirror and does his hair*
Cid: And a high-powered flying airship....%$^^^#$!@#!!!
YUFFIE: *wobbles onto stage, does her trademark punchy...thingy* On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...three huge materia! (Yeah baby! I mean...I'm clean, I swear!!)
Cloud: Two tubs of hairgel.
Cid: And a high-powered flying airship....#^^&#@...
BARRETT: *in a really low, Barry White-esque singing voice* On da forph day uh Christmas, mah true homie-home-boy-g-dawg gave tah MEEEEEEEEEEE....four replacement gun-arms. (You go, dawg!)
Yuffie: Three huge materia! (I wonder how much I'll get for these...)
Cloud: Two tubs of hairgel...Only two?!
Cid: And a high-%^*@ing powered flying airship.
AERIS: *growling at Authoress* On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love *waves to Cloud* gave to me...*looks at paper* Five deaths by Sephie?!?!
*omnious Latin chorus begins to play. Aeris looks around nervously. Sephiroth stands in the back- ground, holding the stereo hostage*
Stereo: Help! I mean...*plays more Christmas music like nothing's happening*
Barrett: Four replacement gun-arms...foo!!
Yuffie: Three huge materia!
Cloud: Two tubs of hairgel. *puts hands on hips in trademark Cloud stance*
Cid: And a high-powered flying airship. Are we done yet?!
VINCENT: *flying in from a dark corner, scowling* On the sixth day of Christmas, Lucrecia gave to me...six coffin lids. (In purple, I might add.)
Aeris: *still nervous* Five...deaths by Sephie...
*Sephiroth prepares to kill Aeris again. He walks away from the stereo, which sighs in relief*
Barrett: Four replacement gun-arms...YO!!
Yuffie: Three REEEEEEEEEELLY big huge materia.
Cloud: *does Rufus hair flick...thing* Two tubs of hairgel...(Does Tifa like my hair?)
Cid: We're STILL goin'?!!? #%#^#&#$^$&$^# airships!!!
TIFA: *in an elven costume, for some reason* On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love *waves at Cloud, who waves back* gave to me...seven dates with Cloud!
Vincent: Six coffin lids...(Thanks, Lucrecia!)
Aeris: Five deaths by...Sephie...(Aren't I dead already?)
Barrett: *rapping* Fo' gun-arms...YO!!
Yuffie: Three HUGIE HUGE materia!
Cloud: *puffs his stupid genie pants* Two tubs o' hairgel.
Cid: #$$&%#^*%&%^&%&#$ AIRSHIP!!!
CAIT-SITH: On the eighth day of Christmas, ya'll gave ta me...eight big fat moogles!
Tifa: Seven dates with wonderful Cloud over there...
Vincent: Six coffin lids...with built-in speakers...
Aeris: Fiiiiiiiive....unneccesary deaths by Sephie...
Barrett: *still rapping, with turntable* F-F-F-F-F-F-Fo' gun-arms....Y-Y-Y- Y-O!!!
Yuffie: THREE BIG OL' FREAKIN' HUGE MATERIA...!! WHOO!!
Cloud: *waves at Tifa* Two tubs of hairgel...(Should I wear my hair up or down...?)
Cid: Airships...airships...one FREAKIN' airship...okay??!
TSENG: *swaying uneasily back and forth* On DA ninth day O' Christmas...*hic*...mah trew luv *waves at Tifa* gave ta meh...NINE QUARTS O' BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZZZZZZEEEE!!!
Cait-Sith: *shuffles away from Tseng* Eight big fat moogles...ya'll...
Tifa: *smacks Tseng* Seven dates with CLOUD...Not you!!!
*Tseng pouts*
Vincent: Six coffin lids...with cable and AC...
Aeris: Five...deaths by...someone else...besides Sephie...
Barrett: *with Rude on the mic, rapping with him* Say it wit me, foo'!! FO GUN-ARMS, YO!!
Yuffie: *is slightly amused by the two "rappers"* Three...*giggle* huge materia...
Cloud: *raises an eyebrow, which is spiked like his hair* Two tubs of hairgel...
Cid: *looks over at the rappers* WTF?!?!? One airship, and THAT'S all!!
NANAKI: *almost asleep, save for the rapping in the background* On the tenth day of Christmas, my creator gave to me...ten rolling beachballs....*yawn*
Tseng: Hey Tifa! Want nine quarts of boooooooooooze?
Cait-Sith: *backing away* Eight moogles...that are big...
Tifa: *beats Tseng with a frying pan* Seven dates with Cloud...ALONE!
Vincent: Six coffin lids...with sixteen movie channels...
Aeris: *spots Sephie approaching* Five...deaths...by...uh...someone else?
Barrett: *has Rude and Reno now* Put yo hands in dah AIR!! FO' gun-arms!
Reno and Rude: YO!!
Yuffie: *still giggling* Three huge-cut, fourteen carat materia...hee hee...
Cloud: *looks over at Tifa, who is beating the snot out of Tseng* Two tubs of hairgel...
Cid: Are we done yet?!?! An airship! A high-powered flying' one, too!! @#$@%!!
RUFUS: *appears with his dog thing whose name I don't remember* On the eleventh day of Christmas, my advisors gave to me...eleven Sister Rays. (World domination, baby!!)
Nanaki: *curled up in a corner* Ten rolling beachballs.
Tseng: Nine quarts of booze!! Yeah! Hey, Teef, wanna--*WHOMP*
*Tifa pounds his face in with her shoe*
Cait-Sith: *at a safe distance* Eight giant moogles...I'm calling my supervisors!
Tifa: *is satisfied with Tseng as a bloody heap on the floor* Seven dates with Cloud! *waves*
Vincent: Six coffin lids...with a DVD player...
Aeris: Five...um...can I leave now?
Barrett: FO' GUN-ARMS!! Put YO freekin' hands UP!!
Reno and Rude: WHOOO!!
Yuffie: *is talking to a pawn shop owner* How much for...I mean three huge materia!
Cloud: *still doing his hair* Two tubs of hairgel...well, actually, more like one...cuz' I used one... Cid: *is in the bathroom, but can be heard* An AIRSHIP!!
SEPHIROTH: *appears with trademark Latin choir* On the twelfth day of Christmas, my father, whom I loathe, gave to me...twelve masamunes! Whoo!!
Rufus: *does hair swish thing* Eleven Sister Rays...
Nanaki: Ten rolling beachballs...*falls asleep, until he's pegged in the head by said beachballs*
Tseng: *is passed out*
Cait-Sith: *on cell-phone* Yeah...yeah...and eight big fat moogles, awright?
Tifa: *beaming* Seven dates with Cloud!
Vincent: Six coffin lids...with a built-in bathroom, which really comes in handy...
Aeris: Fiiiiiiive deaths by---ACK!! *is killed by Sephiroth*
Stereo and Random Gnomes: *cheer*
Barrett: *has most of the audience rapping* FO', let me tell ya', FO' gun- arms!!
Reno and Rude: *doing a back-up dance* YO!!
Yuffie: *counting a pile of Gil* Well...I HAD three huge materia...
Cloud: Two tubs of hairgel...*walks out to go on a date with Tifa*
Cid: *has toilet paper stuck to his shoe* And a high-powered flying airship! THERE, WE'RE DONE!!
Audience: *cheers*
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That was...*sniff*...so touching...