Searching for Happiness
They both knew that the kiss had to end, no matter how much they didn't want it to. For right there, hidden in the trees and flowers of the small clearing in the forest, with fireflies dancing and sparkling in the air around them, perfumed with the scent of the flowers, the moonbeams catching in each other's hair, it seemed like maybe they could stay their forever. Forget about their duties, forget about their pasts, and stay there, together, for the rest of their lives.
Though it was such an ideal idea, such a tempting idea, they both knew that it would never become a reality.
"I wish...." Tomo murmured, taking comfort in the warm arms that wrapped themselves protectively around him.
"Don't wish," Nakago whispered back softly. "Wishing only gets you hurt."
"Oh, Nakago." Tomo wrapped his own arms up, around the other man's body and stroked his hair slowly with one hand.
He loved the man with a love never-ending love and Tomo felt so bad for all that he had suffered. Nakago had only ever tried to do what was best, but always, somehow, it had been turned wrong and he had suffered.
All Tomo wanted from the pathetic life he was living, was to give his lover some happiness, some relief, from the hell he lived daily.
They rested on the soft grass, hidden by the long, encompassing branches of an old, withered, willow tree.
Nakago let his fingers play with Tomo's long hair, twirling and twisting the silken thread nonchalantly.
Tomo was his everything. He gave him life, gave him happiness, and gave him everything he had. No, he didn't have much, but everything he did have, he owed to Tomo.
He had brought him back, taken him out of the farthest reaches of a fiery hell he had thought he was doomed to suffer for all eternity, and showed him beauty, showed him joy.
Showed him love.
And for that he was most grateful. He had never dared to dream that he would ever experience something as wonderful as love, and here, Tomo was offering it to him on a golden platter.
He took it hesitantly, for he was always wary of anything that seemed too good to be true.
But once he got a small taste, he was hopelessly haunted by its wonder.
Tomo lifted himself up and rested his weight on his right arm, looking down at his lover. Then he leaned down to softly brush a kiss across his lips.
If only they'd known that this was to be their last meeting in the forest....
-----
Tomo fought with everything in him. Fought because he knew it was what Nakago wanted. Fought for Nakago.
He would kill her. Yes. He would kill stupid Miaka. He would even kill Amiboshi and Suboshi, if it was necessary.
Anything to keep Suzaku from being raised.
Anything, for Nakago.
His last thoughts, as he lay, dying, beaten by people he should've won against, were deep apology and regret.
He was sorry, that he didn't finish them off. Sorry that he couldn't fulfill Nakago's wishes. Sorry that he lost. Sorry that he wasn't going to live any longer to give Nakago the little happiness he ever received. Sorry that he was so weak.
And sorry, that he never said goodbye.
-----
"What?!" Nakago asked as one of his advisors walked up.
"Sir, Tomo was found dead. Would you like to see his body?"
Nakago, for once in his life, couldn't think straight.
No, he took that back. He couldn't think straight when he was with Tomo.
Nakago, for the rare occasion in his life, couldn't think straight.
"Yes! Take me to the body!" he finally commanded and was lead to where he lay on a block of marble in a room that was used to keep the dead before they were buried.
"Leave," he commanded the man and the man immediately serviced to his desire and shut the door behind him.
Nakago walked slowly over and looked down on his lover.
Looked down on the only person he'd ever loved in such a way.
Looked down on the only person who'd ever loved him.
"Tomo...." he whispered and touched his make-up covered face. He ripped off part of his cape and began to gently wipe his face free of the designs, so that he could, once again, see his Tomo. See his Tomo how he looked when he was with him. When he was most himself. Most at ease.
That's how he wanted to see Tomo.
Not just another sick accoutrement of war.
He didn't want any more. He didn't want any more war. Any more people he loved to be killed. He hated it all.
Hated it!
And yet, he was the one causing it.
He rested his hand on the cold marble and he looked down, to see his hand blur as it tightened into a shaky fist.
He realized, as there was a light 'plink' and a drop of water hit the marble, that he was crying.
"Damn filthy gods.... Why? WHY?!" he shouted, too wrapped up in his anger to even know what he was doing, much less care. "Why do you take everything I want?! Everything I love...? Why...?"
He remembered, since the beginning of time, gods were always fucking with him. Politics always getting in the way and fucking up his life.
Guards killed his mother...right before his eyes.... Beat her, raped her, killed her....
Guards brought him to the emperor.... Brought him to hell....
Emperor raped him.... Lay him on the bed face down and raped the living fuck out of him. Until he screamed. Until he cried. Until he felt that he might die.
He was forced into this...with the Suzaku.... Forced and needing to accept and fulfill his duty.
And these stupid people killed Tomo.
Killed him.
Took away the last thing that mattered to him in his whole, pathetic, wasted life.
Why?
Did he deserve it?
Was it what he deserved?
To be fucked with for the rest of his life?
The only thing he could hope was that he would somehow die. He couldn't kill himself, no. That would be bad. It would screw things up too badly.... People would lose faith.... The seshi and Yui-sama would consider it all a waste.
He didn't want that.
He wanted Seriyu to be summoned.
He just didn't want to be there.
Maybe.... Maybe.... If he made a wrong turn.... Accidentally got in the way....
That's what he would have to do.
Intentionally/accidentally kill himself.
It was the only way.
It was the only way to get back to Tomo.
He leaned down for one brief moment and kissed Tomo's cold lips, sealing with the kiss a promise that he would get back and the could be happy for all eternity.
--Owari--